forum The Pravaci Court - Leave me a critique!

Started February 27, 2018 by @LittleBear group

tune

Ha! Same!

Y’all are too sweet, I’m going to get a tooth ache. Oh and, hey @TryToDoItWrite I started a writing comp if you are interested, spots are open for judges and writers!! https://www.notebook.ai/forum/general-chat/short-story-writing-competition-2

Hey, just letting you know I am still alive, I am SUPER BUSY right now (going to bed at 12 waking up at 5 busy) though. So I will not be available until after the 16th! BUT I will be writing more and have something soon! Thanks for being so great y'all! @TryToDoItWrite @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime

Hey, just letting you know I am still alive, I am SUPER BUSY right now (going to bed at 12 waking up at 5 busy) though. So I will not be available until after the 16th! BUT I will be writing more and have something soon! Thanks for being so great y'all! @TryToDoItWrite @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime

Oh okay! I was wondering where you went. But I totally get it. Thanks for continuing to share your writing with us :D

(( Hey @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime @TryToDoItWrite! I'm back for a brief spell (before I head to Germany for a month) and struck with inspiration! So I'm going to upload like a fiend, feel free to critique at your own pace! Thanks so much for being patient with me!))
Edits have been made

Erion

The best officers are not made by solely by the brilliance of their maneuvers or the number of battles won, rather by how they regard their soldiers. Severe and tyrannical treatment may be passable in the short term; however, it does nothing to inspire loyalty or discipline – only resentment. There is such a way to motivate men with a proper example of compassion for ones fellow soldiers. It is imperative that when giving orders to troops that one does – “Erion!” Eline shook my shoulder and pulled me out of my textbook.

Lady Morn just happened to passing at that moment and her hawkish eyes narrowed as she stopped in her tracks. “Miss Camile, you know better than to shout in the library. Either carry on your conversation elsewhere or stop,” she said sternly and continued on her way.

Eline looked both mortified and furious, her mouth gaping like a fish at Lady Morn’s back. I stifled a snicker as I gathered my books and notes. Gods, I could feel her seething next to me as we left the library.

Eline found her voice the moment the grand doors closed behind us. “Honestly! That woman! I – just, ugh!” she sputtered.

Without thinking, I laughed. I immediately regretted it.

“You think this is funny, do you?” She spat and bumped me with her hip.

I am not proud to say that I stumbled slightly. “Alright, that was in poor taste. I deserve that,” I said as I rubbed my side. “You have such a bony backside. I believe you cut me.”

She shot me a glare for a moment but then broke into a smile. “You are a bony ass.”

“There you go again. Not nice.” I grinned at her as she laughed at me. “Now what was so important that you risked incurring the wrath of Lady Morn?”

“Risked? I did incur her wrath,” She said, rolling her eyes.

“Stop arguing semantics and spit it out Eline,” I teased. But to my surprise instead of a witty comeback, the blood rose to Eline’s cheeks.

Was she okay? Was she sick? Eline never blushed. She tucked a stray strand of blond hair behind her ear with a shaky hand and my concern only grew. There was a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. There was something wrong. What was she hiding?

“Oh, stop being impatient. I will tell you when we get to the courtyard.” She was deliberately not looking at me. Her hand was balled into a fist and it was trembling ever so slightly. Eline was going to tell me something devastating; I could feel it in my bones.

We went the rest of the way to the courtyard in an awkward silence. Thankfully, it was not too much further. I trailed after her as she strode to her favorite bench, the one under the cherry tree. It was in full bloom and a few petals escaped every time the wind blew. She patted the spot next to her and looked up at me expectantly.

I could hear my heart pumping in my ears as I sat next to her. “Yes?” The hairs on the back of my neck were standing on end and looking at her was like trying to look at the sun – unbearable.

Eline looked down at her hands folded carefully in her lap. She was holding them so tightly that her knuckles were white. “It has taken me so long to find the courage to say this so you had better let me finish or the gods themselves will fear my wrath. Understand?”

I nodded.

“Other than my family, you were my first friend. I have made all of my other friends because of your kindness. Without you, I would still be that sullen little girl in the kitchens with her nose stuck in a book, making snide comments about dumb people.”

I could not help myself. “You still do that!” I ribbed.

She hit me, but rewarded me with a smile. “I will end you Uradavi.”

I held up my hands in surrender.

Eline looked off into the distance. “Now, I have a whole group of people who accept me for who I am. Who laugh with me. Who help me dry my tears. Who will support me when I need it. And I them. All because of you. You have given me the world without asking anything in return.” She seemed to find her strength because she turned to me. “I mean at first you just wanted my food, but you have not asked for anything since. Whenever I have something happy or sad to share, I want to run to you. You have become my safe place, my home.” She took a shaky breath and grabbed one of my hands. “You have to promise me that whatever I say will not ruin our friendship. I do not need an answer now, but please do not hide from me. That would break my heart.”

My head was a swirling pool of emotions. Up was down. Left was right. My body was turning to stone. I did not know whether to be relieved or scared. I had thought that someone had died or she was leaving or she had some flesh-eating disease. But, if she was going to say what I think she was going to say – that was almost worse. Do not jump to conclusions! Hear her out! I chided myself.

“Of course, I could not hide from you if I tried,” I said as I picked a stray cherry blossom out of her hair.

“I think that I love you Erion. I think that I always have.”

Gods above and below, I was going to break her heart. Until now, my greatest fear had been Marielle finding out how I felt about her. But this was worse – so much worse.

“I know that you fancy Marielle, but Jerlorn is starting to woo her and –”

Wait. She knew? Who else knew? Did Marielle? I could feel my eyes growing wider. Sweat was starting to bead on my forehead. Any thoughts I had were replaced by internal screaming.

She must have seen me panicking because she sighed, “Do not worry, you infant. I only know because I know you so well.”

Oh, the agony she must have felt as I pined over Marielle. I wanted to hide from the shame of it all.

She tucked her hair behind her ear again. “I do not need your reply, but promise me you will think on it.”

I stared at her for who knows how long before I regained control of my brain. “I promise,” I croaked. With sweaty palms, I held both of her hands in mine and gave them a squeeze. “And you and I will be friends until the end of time. I promise that too.”

She nodded curtly, all the tension gone from her little body. Then she got up, kissed me on the cheek, and walked away. As she left, she whispered, “Thank the gods that is over with” under her breath.

I watched as the wind played with her hair and skirts. More blossoms rained down and I was struck by how beautiful the scene could have been had I not been thunderstruck.

Eline.

Eline?

Eline.

She did have a beauty about her, with her small features and fiery personality. She was like a murderous pixie, just waiting for the opportunity to rip you to shreds. Even the way she moved was like that – she always looked like she had somewhere to be. She always moved with a purpose.

Could I love her back?

I thought about all the times that we sat next to each other, poring over textbooks and wishing for more adventures. I thought about all of the times we snuck out of the castle to explore Estonie. Every memory of us seemed to float around my head. I wanted so desperately for that spark to ignite, the one that I felt when I thought of Marielle. That breathless feeling, the one that made me feel like a fish out of water.

Nothing came. There was only the low hum of friendship. It was a gentle warmth of a hearth on a cold day or of cookies straight from the oven.

Defeated, I finally forced myself to make my way home. The entire ride was a blur; my mind just dissected every one of Eline’s words over and over again. I moved mindlessly towards my chambers before I was called out of my stupor.

“Erion!” Mother yelled. I blinked up at her as she descended the stairs. “I have called you more times than I care to count.”

“My apologies, Mother. My mind is elsewhere,” I said, making sure to look her directly in the eye.

Her brow furrowed slightly and she motioned me closed to her. I met her at the foot of the staircase and she raised the back of her hand to my forehead. “You are not feverish, and yet you look afflicted.”

“It is nothing Mother. My day was taxing is all.” I made sure to stand as straight as possible, praying that she would move on so that I could go think my life over.

She looked skeptical but she dropped her hand and the subject. “Go and pack a bag with some clothes. I am sending you to continue your learning elsewhere. You –”

“What? No! I –”

The look on her face was thunderous. In that instant I would have rather had the ground swallow me whole or have my tongue ripped out by Rionel in the Third Hell than be in front of Mother. Her eyes were like ice as she looked down at me. “Do you wish to continue? If your words are more important than mine, I will wait.”

“No Mother. I have nothing of importance.” I looked at my shoes.

“You will not be returning for some time. Were I you, I would bring a few things of sentimental value. Go.” She pointed up the stairs and I took the opportunity to flee.

I only stopped once I had reached the top of the staircase on the third floor to look down at the foyer. Mother was wiping down the bust of her favorite philosopher and for a moment, I truly and deeply despised her. I pushed the thought away. There was no way that she could have known the dilemma I was facing. This was not her fault. Still, the anger lingered.

Once I had packed the essentials, I took a moment to look around my room. Nothing stood out to me. Oddly, it felt wrong to take anything of real worth. Mother did not approve of sentimentality and so her advice felt wrong. Instead, I took only an inkwell, my new quill, and a roll of parchment. I promised myself that I would write Eline the moment I had a chance.

Travel case in hand, I made my way down the limestone steps. I had almost made it to the last step when I heard a sound behind me. Before I could turn, coarse fabric fell over my head.

Then something hit the back of my legs and I fell to my knees. Someone grabbed my arms and wrenched them behind my back. I manage to yelp before something hit the side of my head, hard. Nothing followed but blackness.

Okay, working on the critique now!

Wow! I have nothing negative to say about your plot or characters! It was all v. nice, as usual :) The only thing are little grammar/flow things that are easily fixed. side note: these are all opinion type things so don't feel obligated to change anything. I'll just go in order:

• It is imperative that when giving orders to troops that one does – “Erion!” Eline shook my shoulder and pulled me out of my textbook.
  I would actually make the passage out of the book longer in order to give the feel that he actual is sucked into the book and Eline is really jolting him out of it.

• Her hand was balled into a fist and it she was trembling ever so slightly.
  I have a feeling you didn't mean to say "it" right there

• Eline was going to tell me something devastating, I could feel it in my bones.
  I'd separate these out into two sentences or with a semi colon. they are two complete thoughts and thus cannot be connected by a comma. (im a grammar nazi im sorry)

• The hairs on the back of my neck were standing on end and looking at her was like trying to look at the sun. Unbearable.
  Again, im a grammar nazi. Fragments are okay in my book in dialog and not much else. Lots of the great writers do fragments in narrative, but, as my english teachers always said to me, until you are a great, you have to follow the rules just to show people that you know them.
  you'll have to connect the last word to the sentence with a em dash, like so:
  The hairs on the back of my neck were standing on end and looking at her was like trying to look at the sun—unbearable.

• Gods above and below. I was going to break her heart.
  Comma instead of period here. It's not a complete thoughts, but something to add emphasis.

• But this was worse. So much worse.
  Dash again.

• Sweat was starting to bead on my forehead. Why was
  I sweating?
  I would delete the question here. It's kinda obvious why he's sweating, and it would be even to himself, so it doesn't make lots of sense.

• Even the way she moved was like that, she always looked like she had somewhere to be.
  I'd use a dash here. Don't be afraid of the dash. The dash is your best friend, along with it's cousin the colon and it's twin sister the semi colon.

• There was only the low hum of friendship. It was a gentle warmth of a hearth on a cold day or of cookies straight from the oven.
  Nothing to critique here. Just wanted to say that I LovEd this bit here! I could feel it!!! Awesome keep it uppp!!

• “What? No! I –” I interrupted
  I'd delete "I interrupted." its pretty obvious that he did and it makes the whole thing flow smoother without it in my opinion

• Then something hit the back of my knees and I buckled.
  I wouldn't say "I buckled" because really it's his legs doing the buckling so i'd change it to that. or even "Then something hit the back of my legs and I fell to my knees." Idk, but the sentence needs tweaking.

OKAY!! WOw! Great stuff as always! I enjoyed reading it and the critiques are just stylistic and picky grammar stuff! Keep it up, man!

@TryToDoItWrite, whoa quick turn around! Thanks so much for being a grammar Nazi, I really do appreciate it :)! I went ahead and added some more to the first little book passage (besides the edits), lmk what you think.

The best officers are not made by solely by the brilliance of their maneuvers or the number of battles won, rather by how they regard their soldiers. Severe and tyrannical treatment may be passable in the short term; however, it does nothing to inspire loyalty or discipline – only resentment. There is such a way to motivate men with a proper example of compassion for ones fellow soldier. It is imperative that when giving orders to troops that one does – “Erion!” Eline shook my shoulder and pulled me out of my textbook.

OOoo The book passage has nothing to do with your story yet even that bit I can see you put towards your novel's theme. I like it!! * thumbs up *

Okay today is the day! I will have internet while I'm there (I think?), so I might get to post then. But if not, see y'all soon!

OH my gOSh tell me how Germany is because I'm going to spend a year there after I graduate!

HEyyy sorry I've been super busy this weekend/last week so I haven't had time to read over what you wrote. Hopefully I'll get to read it tonight or tomorrow.

I LOVED IT! I didn't even realize how much I missed your writing until I read it. The narrative is so smooth. I love his reactions to Eline, I love the descriptions, I love the dialogue –you make my job so incredibly difficult! I managed to find one tiny imperfection in an otherwise flawless narrative: "She nodded curly" should be "She nodded curtly." Other than that, I literally couldn't find one thing wrong. I can't wait for the next excerpt!

Just got back from Germany and HOLY @#&($^!@)$ it was AMAZING - I liked it better than Italy….. @TryToDoItWrite I can pm you all of the things you MUST do while your are there. And get ready for TONS of well behaved dogs. I have a few things that I have been working on and they'll (hopefully) be uploaded soon.

But again, @WriteLikeYoureRunningOutOfTime & @TryToDoItWrite thank you guys for being so crazily supportive - I don't know if I would have had the drive to write so much if it wasn't for y'all!

Welcome back! I'm glad your trip went well. I'm looking forward to reading more of your writing. :D

Thanks for being so patient with me! Beware the passage is LONG (Ill give it a quick read through, so sorry if I miss any typos or grammar!). Also side note, Erion calls Eline "Cat" because she can be so temperamental some days and affectionate in others.
~Edits have been made~

Erion -

The moment the carriage door opened, the weight of the world fell off my shoulders. The air was cool and humid, the breeze was gentle, and the road was paved with limestone. The sun did not scorch my skin. But, most importantly, there was no sand. Finally, I was home.

Somehow, I had expected it to change in my absence, but it looked as if I had only left yesterday.

“Lad, your things,” Sangar said as he thrust my bags at me. One was the standard issue all the apprentices received and the other was the bag I had packed so many years ago. I took them and, without another word, he shut the door and the carriage rolled away.

Out of curiosity, I opened the clasp and found a few clothes and the roll of parchment, inkwell, and quill. Only now, the parchment was horribly creased, the quill broken, and the ink had dried long ago.

“Erion?” asked a high and musical voice, like a viola. “Erion!”

I turned and saw her. Gods above and below, time had been kind to her. Gone was the pretty girl who tripped over her own feet. In her stead was a beautiful raven-haired creature, tall and willowy, who moved like a dancer as she flew down the stairs. Only those big eyes were familiar to me.

I set my things down, ready to hold her hands in greeting, but Marielle had other ideas. She launched herself at me and I thanked the gods for my training, for our foreheads almost collided. I held her to me and wisps tickled my face as I rested my cheek on her hair. She still smelled of vanilla and oranges.

“Where have you been?” she exclaimed, a little too close to my ear. “It has been so long and I missed you so! I have so much to tell you!”

She pulled away from me and it took all of my strength to let her go. The feeling of her against me comforted my bruised heart. It was fitting that she was the first one to embrace me in all this time. It was her face that kept me strong through the grueling training and horrifying tasks. The thought of seeing her smile gave me the will to continue on.

“My mother did not tell you?” It was odd to think that Marielle had seen Mother more than I had.

“She told us that she sent you to study culture across the sea,” Marielle said, her brow furrowed. “But it was so strange of you to just disappear. Jerlorn and Solin were convinced that you were dead. And Eline, oh, Eline was livid with you for the longest time.”

I smiled at her. “That is more or less the truth. I learned slightly more than culture.”

“Oh, Erion! You know how I hate it when you act so tight-lipped! Tell me all about your adventures,” she scolded as she nudged me.

“Truly, I –”

“Is that Erion?” boomed a rolling baritone.

“By Archanie, it is him!” was the slightly deeper answer.

Before I could do a thing, I was bowled over by two hulking men, one with hair as deep as Strician coffee and another whose locks could rival a setting Lianian sun.

“Solin! Jerlorn!” I managed to wheeze from the courtyard floor. “I cannot breathe!”
Laughing, they leapt up off me and pulled me to my feet.

“Where in three hells have you been?” Jerlorn asked. His close-cropped beard suited him well and from the looks of it, it barely covered a new scar on his cheek. “You have missed so much! It felt wrong that you were not with us for all of our adventures.”

“We were both sent to the Lianian badlands,” Solin said.

“Then to the Strician Ocean.” Jerlorn had started to count on his fingers.

“Over the Macraton Mountains –”

Suddenly a window flew open and a blond woman leaned out. “What is all the commot –” Her eyes caught mine and I knew that sharp gaze anywhere. It was Eline. Twenty years or a second later, I really could not say, she disappeared into the depths of the room.

Solin elbowed me and whispered, “Heirokeps have mercy on you.”

“Why would I need him, of all the gods?” I looked away from Eline's window to see Solin looking quite solemn.

“Eline was a right terror for at least six months after you left,” he said. “She just about tore off all of our heads, one time or another. She missed her best friend.”

I ran a hand through my hair and tried to compose myself.

Marielle grabbed my free hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “This was years ago. We have all grown so much since then.”

“Thank you,” I breathed and after a returned squeeze, I made my way inside the palace.

It had not changed in the slightest since I had left. The same velvet runners were laid precisely across the floor and up the staircase, bordered with embroidered braids of all of the house colors. The crystal chandeliers still glittered with light from white candles, up in the lofty rafters. Once I reached the third floor, in the Camile house’s wing, the runners turned to the amethyst of their house gem.

I went to the door that was as familiar as my own and ran my fingers across the engraved plaque on the door. I could still remember the day they put it up. Eline was so proud that she could barely contain herself. It read Eline Camile and underneath it had her family crest and motto, Guardians of Knowledge, Agents of Progress. I knocked gently.

“Enter,” was the quiet answer.

She was a sight. The sun streamed through the open window and set her neatly pinned curls aglow. The breeze played at the gossamer curtains and stirred the gentle air. The only sound was a faint scratching of her quill across what looked like a ledger. She did not look up.

“Cat?” I whispered as I entered and closed the door behind me. The click had a certain finality about it.

“Did you not have a quill and parchment?” At her cold tone, I could not help but think of the first time we met. It had taken me weeks to get her to smile.

“I did,” I lied. How could I tell her that I had been an assassin apprentice in all the time I was gone? Telling her I could not have written her would have just led to more questions. The very thought hurt me to no end, but there were greater things at stake than my feelings.

“Did you become illiterate?” She continued to write.

“I did not.” At this, she finally looked up at me.

“I see that you are still in possession of your hands. So why did you not write me?” She paused and waited for my excuse.

I could not think of anything. I was too busy looking at how she had changed. She still looked like a fairy, but she had grown into herself. Fair had turned to elegant.

She dropped her quill on the blotting cloth and pushed herself to her feet. The scraping of her chair against the floor was deafening.

“Do you have an answer? At all?” Eline asked as she strode up to me. One thing had remained unchanged. She was not afraid to invade a man’s personal space to make a point – which she did by shoving me with all her strength. She pushed so hard that I actually had to take a step back. “Answer me, you idiot!”

She spun away from me and went to the window, her infuriated breathing filling the silence. Eline patted her hair back into place and it struck me how adult the movement was.

After what felt like an eternity, I found my voice. “I could not find the words. I wanted desperately to get back and accept you. But mother sent me away the very day you told me how you felt.”

Briefly, I thought about reaching out to touch her. In a way, I did love her and seeing her in pain caused a pang in my own heart. I just did not love her the way she wanted. In the end, I kept my hands by my side. “When I was able to write, I realized that I could not change my feelings. I thought of you, but my heart yearned only for her. I thought that you would be better off if you moved on without me. That is was kinder of me .”

She turned to me with piercing eyes and clenched fists. A tear ran down her cheek and the weight of it caused my chest to constrict.

“You were gone for four years.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “I never had a chance, did I?”

“I –”

She held up a hand and cut me off. “I do not want any more excuses. Leave me.”

“Eline –” I made a move towards her.

“I will see you another time, Erion.” She moved past me and opened the door. “I need to be at Solin’s side.”

I watched her skirts swing around her as she left.

Oh…wow…it's fitting that I'm just now returning to reading your writing, like Erion is returning. I feel his heartache and nostalgia :( it's a good and bad feeling at the same time, ya know? Wow! Okay! Enough purely enjoying. Time for small critiques:

• The moment the carriage door opened, I felt as if the weight of the world fell off my shoulders.
  To me, a metaphor would be stronger and flow better here, instead of a simile, i.e. The moment the carriage door opened, the weight of the world fell off my shoulders.

• She launched herself at me and I thanked the gods for my training, for our faces almost collided. I held her to me and her hair tickled my face as I rested my cheek on her hair.
  Seeing as this is an action sequence of sorts/sweet moment, I feel like it probably needs to be drawn out more? Or made to flow a bit smoother? (also you used the word face twice in two sentences, and that's something I normally avoid) Something like this: She launched herself at me and I thanked the gods for my training, for the impact almost knocked us both over. Her face came within inches of mine. I held her to me and rested my cheek on her hair, which tickled slightly.
  you know you can ignore like all of my suggests lol

• The thought seeing her smile gave me the will to continue on.
  The thought of is probably what you wanted to say :)

• Marielle grabbed my free hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze, “this was years ago, we have all grown so much since then.”
  Small thing. Capitalize "this" :)

• Telling her I could have written her would have just led to more questions.
  This could just be me misunderstanding the passage, but shouldn't it say "I couldn't have" because he's not letting her know that he was training as an assassin and they literally took away his means of communication?

Okay! I couldn't find much else, so A+ work my friend :)

also
AAAHHHHHH
YESS! Tell me everything about Germany!!!

This section is absolutely lovely! I really like the way you were able to describe everything without it feeling clunky or unnecessary. Often when a place is described through the eyes of the narrator, it feels off, because people don't typically describe things in detail if they see them every day. However, I like that he draws comparisons between how things were, and how things are now –relatively unchanged, but still slightly different. Not only was the tone impeccable for that description, it also painted a clear picture in my mind of each character and setting. I only have a few suggestions:

“Erion?” asked a high and musical voice, like a viola. “Erion!” Something about this sentence doesn't flow. I think it's the fact that you describe her voice as musical, and then compare the way she says his name to a viola. It might flow better if you stick with simply "high and musical" or if you alter it to something like "a voice high and musical like a viola."

Suddenly a window flew open and a blond woman leaned out. “What is all the comot –” Her eyes caught mine and I knew that sharp gaze anywhere. It was Eline. Twenty years or a second later, I really could not say, she disappeared into the depths of the room. I think you need to slow this down, just a little. Since Erion feels the moment lasted for twenty years, it might be better to describe her features here, or at least describe something about her features that Erion notices in that brief moment. I think stretching it out more will justify the last sentence just a bit better.

Can I just say I adore the dialogue between Eline and Erion? It feels so real. I could practically hear the iciness in her voice when she asked him about the quill and parchment.

Yep, I only managed to find two little things to critique, and both of those things were a matter of taste. I enjoyed reading this so much!

Whoo, its been a long week. I've just finished moving in and all that jazz which left me like no time to write! But here it is! (Also, @TryToDoItWrite did you get my Germany list?)

Side note: Erion finds out that Jerlorn is marrying Marielle and Solin is marrying Eline. He has resolved to try and win Marielle – despite his friendship to Jerlorn.

Erion –
The man was plain in every sense of the word. Even as I looked at him, I began to forget what he looked like. I suppose that is what made him one of our best.

“Yes, and what did your men find?” I asked.

There was no emotion in his face as he gave his report. “There is an influx of immigrants at our borders. Unfortunately, there is no way to obtain exact figures since there are no outposts or checkpoints. The majority of them are family units from Lian, Marcat, and Rondolvo. All of the locations, except the one near Holvim, are ideal candidates for your Lady Mother’s projects.”

I made my way to the large map hanging on my wall and looked for the word. “And what is so special about Holvim?” I asked.

“You will not find it on a map, m’lord. The town is much too small for that,” he said. He pointed to a part of the map that looked to be a full week’s ride or more from Estonie. “The community is very small and entirely too interested –”

“Interested?” I asked.

“Curious. Our men could not stay longer than two days without raising suspicion,” he finished.

My own curiosity was piqued. Part of me yearned to know what this grand operation was and the other, much wiser, part of me knew that I did not want to know – not in the slightest. In the end, I left it alone.

“Very well, if you would turn, please,” I said as I sat down at my desk. I scribbled down the last details of the new report and blew gently on the ink until it faded away. I added it to stack of seemingly blank parchments and flipped the stack over. After giving the fake medical documents a quick glance, I slipped the stack into its envelope. The wax dripped prettily into a opalescent blob and gently warmed my signet ring as I stamped it. “Ensure that my eldest brother gets this before nightfall.”

The spy took the envelope gingerly and took his leave, as silently as he had come.

As I regarded the map again, my mind wandered to my travels. I was lost in thought about the missing Lianian princess when there was a timid knock.

“Enter,” I called.

A maid opened the door. She curtsied deeply and said, “The Ladies Eline and Marielle request your presence in the Vrualti wing.”

Whatever could the two of them want with me? Marielle I could see, but Eline? As far as I was aware, she still wanted to flay me alive. “Would you do me the pleasure of showing me exactly where they are?" I bade her. "I must confess that I rarely spend time calling upon the artisans.”

“Of course, m’Lord,” she breathed. We began our way through the winding halls of the palace.

After a time in silence, she dared ask, “M’Lord, may I speak out of turn?” The poor thing looked as if she was about to pass out from fear of breaking etiquette.

“Speak freely; you will face no reprimand from me.”

The words seemed to bring her a little solace. “All of the palace staff missed you dearly whilst you were away. But it seems as if you have returned in body alone. There is a change about you, m’lord, and we worry is all. Should there be anything at all that you require, please do let us know.”

I turned and truly took her in. As I had done with so many servants before, I had forgotten that she was a person beyond the neat palace uniform and perfectly pulled back hair. She was a girl who, despite having painfully little compared to me, was offering aid. “Thank you, Miss…” I trailed off.

“Emaline, m’lord. Miss Emaline,” she said with a quick curtsy. “And that brings us to the Vrualti wing. Will you be requiring anything else, m’lord?”

“No, you may take your leave,” I said as her words still swirled around in my head. “And again, thank you.”

She smiled kindly and slipped away as an unmistakably shrill voice called out, “Erion! It has been so long!”

“Briness, indeed it has. How have you been?” I asked the Vrualti heir.

“So, so wonderfully busy with the double wedding. The entire palace is alight with anticipation!” She giggled, gesturing wildly. “It seems that everyone, simply everyone, must have new wardrobes for the event. Is that why you are here? Have you come for a new doublet?”

“Ah, no. Marielle and Eline sent for me.”

A knowing look flashed across her face and she turned and beckoned. “Well come on then, best not to keep those two waiting.”

We turned the corner and came to a room of mirrors. In and of itself it would have made anyone gasp with wonder, but, my eyes were only on the woman on the platform.

“Would you just look at how it flows! I do not believe I have ever seen anything so fine in my entire life.” She spun slowly and indeed the glossy fabric moved with her, pooling around her like water. Lace crept up her arms and around her bodice in delicate tendrils. And the veil flowed from her hair with an unparalleled air of regality. Briness and her house must have worked for months on the ensemble. She was so lovely that I feared the goddess Jesimae would smite her in a jealous rage.

"I will take my leave," Briness whispered and left me in my awe.

“Oh Erion, you are here!” she exclaimed as she caught me in the reflection of the mirror. “So what do you think?” she asked, turning to face me. “Do I look like a proper bride?”

In that moment, I could see a future that could have been ours. I would marry her in the grand temple. I would bring her to my noble house and her caring heart would bring light and goodness back into its halls. We would have a hoard of beautiful, adventurous children.

I wanted nothing more than to sweep her up and kiss her with all the passion in the world. I wanted to kiss her until my lips were swollen and numb. I wanted to give her the world and my heart and anything she wanted. But, all I could do was murmur, “You look incredible.”

She blushed held her hands out to me. I fell out of my thoughts and went to her, letting her gather my hands in hers. “I just wanted to thank you. My life has changed so much because of you. If you had not helped me at the well so long ago, I would never have met Jerlorn or had these wonderful friends or beautiful gowns.” She giggled abashedly and swished her skirts. “I know it is a little bit silly to love them so much, but I will always appreciate how the silk feels on my skin and how much work went into each piece. It is almost like wearing love itself.”

Eline cleared her throat from the chair.

“Oh! Thank you, Eline! I almost forgot. Erion, we have something we want to ask you,” she said as bounced on the balls of her feet. “I mean, it was Eline’s idea, but it is just perfection! Seeing as you are the only reason I am here. It would just be so poetic with all of us up there…” She trailed off as if she were imagining it. “So will you?”

“Marielle, you forgot to ask him.” Eline said in her familiar. For a moment, I felt transported back to our childhood.

“Oh! You are right!” She shook her head and laughed at herself. “Erion, we want you to give us away! Just think of how perfect it would be, all five of us up there at once, like one family.”

It took all of my training to force a smile onto my face. But nothing could stop me from looking over Marielle’s shoulder to Eline. She looked back with cruel triumph in her eyes, her arms crossed defiantly. “You want this too, Eline?”

Marielle laughed. “It was her idea you ninny. I know I said that part!”

“It is fitting, Erion,"Eline said softly. "Do you not agree?”

I turned back to Marielle and nodded. “I would be honored.”

Marielle wrapped me in a massive hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. How can I ever repay you? You have given me my world!”

I found my voice long enough to say, “Marielle, you owe me nothing. All I ask is that you bask in your happiness.”

She kissed both my cheeks and exclaimed, “Oh, this is going to be wonderful! I have to go tell Jer.” Without another moment, she gathered her skirts and ran from the room. I could faintly hear her calling out, “Briness, it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, but I must fly and you know who cannot see me like this!”

After she left, I turned to Eline once more and an unspoken thing passed between us. In a way this was warranted. For all of the heartache I had caused her. “I admit that I deserved that," I said. "Are you done? Have I suffered enough now?”

Eline briefly looked like she wanted to push me out of a window. “No. However, punishing you is exhausting and I would like my best friend back.” She stood up and put her hands out to me and I pulled her into a hug.

“I missed you, Cat,” I murmured into her hair. “And I am sorry for the pain I put you through.”

“I missed you too, but part of me is glad you left.” She pulled away from me. “I have found my happiness in Solin. I truly do love him, and if you had not gone, I do not think I would have let him in.”

Da a a a a a ng.
He's giving his love away…wow…
I just need to ask: Do Marielle and him end up together? because I can see the poeticness of him never being with her but at the same time it would be so sad!!
Also I'm so curious about the secret letters and the missing Lianian princess!
This was so well written!! As I was reading, nothing wrong or ugly grammar/style wise stuck out to me. The words flew by so smoothly. Congrats :)
I did get your Germany list! It was so helpful and made me feel less nervous about Germany, thank you!

Yeah… his love life is rough. Here is the cryptic answer:

And I'm glad it was helpful! You will have a blast :)

Dang. Poor dude (about his love life).
I have two characters that would be perfect for each other, but I'm not sure if they're going to end up together. Their world is so messed up that they don't have much time for dating and love

Is it the two who were on the bus to the hospital? BC OMG THEY HAVE TO BE TOGETHER! Ugh, you're making my inner shipper/ hopeless romantic come out.