forum The Pravaci Court - Leave me a critique!

Started February 27, 2018 by @LittleBear group

tune

the cats are so cute!!!! i love black cats.
i'm a microbiology premed major, sociology minor

That's awesome!! We have similar interests i see..I'm not premed but I'm planning on going into neuroscience research!
(I'm neurosci major with focus in molecular and cellular with german minor)

ehehe guys do yall wanna read something from four years ago of mine when i first started writing? its so bad i want to cryyyyy lol

but lowkey my style hasn't changed…just its so cliche like YIKES and i didn't know how to format and what was my POV??? idek

The day would have been a beautiful one, Naomi Avenir thought. The sun had just risen and the morning dew was still fresh on the grass at the edges of the dirt road. The tree’s soft new leaves fluttered in the spring breeze.
But the birds weren’t singing. A foreign voice shouted at an old woman who was slow in clearing the road. A baby wailed.
It would’ve been a nice day if her enemies hadn’t just rode into her helpless village to claim victory. Naomi and her people knelt as the procession of Kinesis warriors kicked up dust in the roads. They were spreading out, like a disease, throughout the whole town.
“Eyes down, vermin,” one yelled.
A pathetic yelp came from her left. Naomi saw soldiers forcing down the heads of everyone kneeling beside the road. Those who weren’t forced did so out of fear; and Naomi was. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. A line of ants marched across the dirt below, oblivious to the human army traveling in a similar fashion. On the dirt, what had once been a tiny white flower lay. The pounding of feet mixed with jeering shouts and muffled cries of pain made her fists curl at her side.
She flicked her bangs aside and lifted her eyes. A party all mounted on horses approached, a flurry of red and black. They were out of place compared to the soft browns and muted blues of her tribe. She hardened her gaze and stood to her full height. A murmur rose around her. As the horses reached the point where she stood, the riders paused. Her heart rate refused to slow as willed herself not to waver.
“Kneel Manipulator scum,” a soldier walking next to the riders shouted.
She did not move.
“Alexander.” The man seated on the finest horse, in the most luxurious robes, with his nose in the air motioned vaguely toward the defiant villager. Naomi didn’t have time to get a good look at the younger man all in black before a violent force jerked her forward. The crowd around let out a sudden cry of fear. It was like gravity had shifted for her, and her alone. She tumbled toward the group of horses, stopping just short of barreling straight into the house right in front of her.
She looked up and met the eyes of her tormentor. She had impression of jade green eyes and freckles before the older man spoke to her.
“Name?”
Naomi turned to him, but he wasn’t even looking at her. He spoke to the air above her head. Naomi knew he was Dominic Felch, the ruler of Kinesis Nation.
“What?” She said stupidly.
“Alexander.”
Her mind was sluggish. That’s definitely not my name, old man, she thought for a second. Then panic shot through her like ice.. She tried to step backward, but Alexander’s hand rose quickly. As he clenched his fist, a heavy force pressed down on her chest. It was as if a house had fallen on top of her lungs. Stars shot through her vision, and the dirt road swam under her. Then it stopped as suddenly as it had started. She gasped in a huge lung-full of the spring air. Her legs felt like liquid but she refused to kneel.
“I asked you what your name was.”
“Naomi,” she coughed out.
“Talent?”
“None.” Lying is easier when you are still struggling for breath, she reasoned grimly.
“Get rid of her then, Alexander. Teach a lesson to the others.”
It was only then did a flicker of doubt enter Alexander’s mind. Naomi looked wildly at him, and heard, If she has no Talent then she can’t be the one. The one? They came here looking for one person. They had invaded her helpless, peaceful tribe on account of one person. Her face blanched in fury as she watched the two men decide her fate.
“Grandfather,” he said softly, “no point in killing her.”
The white-haired man sighed exasperatedly at his grandson.
“I didn’t mean kill her, Xander. Just get her out of my sight.”
Alexander raised his arm again, but slowly, almost gently. Naomi floated weightlessly above the ground, writhing and struggling. “Put me down, you bastard! ” she yelled.
“Fine.”
As if he was slashing a knife, he swung his arm down. Naomi came crashing to the ground. Pain exploded in her head and arm. She heard a loud scream that she recognized dimly to be her own. The last thing she remembered seeing was the white wildflower crushed in the road, directly under her nose.

“Gnomy. Gnomy!” Matthew Avenir shook his sister, trying to rouse her. Only when she groaned then coughed into the dirt did he stop his constant shaking of her shoulders. Naomi blinked and tried to focus on her surroundings. She was still in the road, but everyone was clearing out. She saw Sean Allen, the innkeeper, give her a sympathetic glance before shuffling off in the direction of the inn.
“What’s going on? What happened?”
“Everyone was told to go home. They took Dad and Grandma somewhere. Mom’s at the house.”
Naomi nodded and pulled herself to her feet. Her four year-old brother must be scared out of his mind, but he was putting on a brave face.
“Gnomy you’ve got blood on your face.” She checked, and blood was in fact pouring out of her nose.
“Just a nose bleed Matty. Let’s go.” She swept her brother up. He was light, even for a four year-old, but her muscles still screamed in protest.
Some sixth sense had warned her of the approaching enemy before Alexander’s voice said, “You’ve been ordered to go home.”
Naomi whipped around, clutching her brother tightly.
“We’re going,” she said scathyingly, “Took a moment to peel myself off the road.”
“Allow me to escort you.” As he took a step towards her, she stepped back and instinctively shielded Matthew with her body. She glared at him furiously, biting back retorts that would make her grandfather roll in his grave. He used to tell Naomi that she had the temper of a Fire Talent.
“Thank you, but I’m disinclined to accept.” Naomi finally hissed between clenched teeth. She tried turning away, but a hand on her shoulder stopped her.
“I wasn’t asking.”
Naomi jerked away, and started the familiar walk home. The streets were unnaturally empty; doors were shut tightly; windows were shuttered closed that would normally be flung wide open to catch the early spring winds. She ignored the Kinesis warrior following close behind.
“Go tell Mom that I’m fine.” She ushered Matthew through the door then turned back to Alexander Felch.
“What do you want?” She growled at him.
He blinked in surprise and actually took a small step backwards from the furious girl. She looked him dead in the eye, straining her Talent to hear his thoughts.
“What's the point of all this? Who are you looking for?”
Naomi’s heart stuttered in his rapid beating. She had said too much. She had only heard him think that they were looking for someone.
“What did you say?”
Maybe she could talk her way out of this.
“You said that earlier. That I'm not the one? Who are you looking for?”
“No,” He shook his head slowly, frowning as he tried to recall what had happened, “I thought that.”
“No,” she said firmly, “ You definitely said it. Otherwise how could I have known?”
He seemed to see her for the first time. He swept his gaze over her, taking in her long tunic in the color of the Ike Tribe, olive skin, dark hair that matched her dark eyes; eyes that shot daggers at him. She radiated a sense of righteous fury and false confidence. She stood, hands on hips, in the middle of the doorway.
“Naomi right?”
“What?”
“Your name; it's Naomi.”
“Yes, but-”
“Last name?”
“Are you not-?”
“You asked me what I wanted. I want your last name.”
“It's Avenir.”
He nodded like this was vital information.
“Naomi Avenir,” he stepped closer, using his height advantage to tower over her, “just keep your nose out of things that shouldn't concern you.”
“That's rich coming from you.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Watch yourself.”
“I would if I could afford a mirror.”

it's lowkey really good though!!! i enjoyed it a lot, especially the dialogue.

lol thanks…this is where the draft cuts off and sometimes I wonder where I was going with it

Yo, not bad at all! Color me intrigued! And man you guys are such smarties, I try and stay as far away from numbers and hard science as I can. '

ALSO OMG THE KITTIES! SO cute!

They're so grown up now!!! I've truly transitioned into crazy cat lady– I bought kitten leashes to take them on walks……

YO! Still working on that chapter, but guys, I graduate on Saturday!

OH MY GOSH!!! Congrats!!!!! That's awesome!!!

yay!! congratulations! that's so exciting

Heya guys!! How's it all going? I'm actually halfway through a draft that I might actually get done! Just wanted to let you know that if you want to beta read it at the end, y'all are some of the only people I would trust with that! If you're ~interested~ just let me know!

OMG YES!!!! I would be honored and so happy to! But I do have to warn you that I'm pretty swamped with training so it might take me awhile to get back to you (hence the LONG delay on my promised excerpt). Just tag me in a separate discussion and I will be ALL over it! :)

Yay!!! Don't worry about time!! I myself probably won't be done with the draft until October ish (that's my goal at the very very latest) and then I'm giving it a couple of months before I launch back in with redrafting and looking at beta comments, so you'll have time! :))

So two things! I got a kitten! He's entirely black and the chillest thing ever. I named him Saber after Salem Saberhagan, the cat from Sabrina. He's currently sleeping in my lap. I'll try and upload a pic later!

Secondly, I finally have something to submit to y'all! I did some quick edits but I probably missed something. Let me know what ya'll think!

Minor edits made
Nati -

I pushed the door open and the little bell that hung above it tinkled throughout the cluttered space. Odds and ends were everywhere around the store, imports from faraway lands and Estonie, and books crammed into every available space. There were stacks of them from floor to ceiling, ensuring no wasted space. There was some semblance of a system: items and books arranged in areas by subject. But, otherwise, it looked like a madhouse. There were books on history, science, religion, fairy tales from other lands, and stories that did nothing but bring you happiness, sadness, or even horror. Elkner’s Odds & Ends was my favorite store in town.

Every other store was for function. There were so few townsfolk that having any non-purposeful space seemed frivolous. Even the town tavern with connected to quarters for weary travelers and it was regularly cleared for town hall meetings. Truly, it was more of a gathering space than a place to lose yourself and a mug of ale.

But Elkner's was different, this was the place where I could come for pretty things. Yards of beautifully embroidered fabric were tucked away on the only floor to ceiling shelves that weren’t occupied by books. This was the place where I could find hair ornaments, makeup, and things from Estonie. Things that Sela might have appreciated. Elkner’s was my only window into the outside world, it held a glimpse into what my life could be, what it would be someday.

I ran my fingers over anything I could touch: over the tables brimming with pretty things, the spines of new books that looked as if no one had ever opened them, the spines old ones that looked if they had been well-loved. I loved the smell of this place, it smelled of vanilla and leather and love and wood and adventure. It smelled like freedom.

“Oh, Natiselle!” the shopkeeper beamed, his bald head popping up over a display of masks. “You're here!”

“Hello, Elkner! I'm here to pick up the goods for Mama and Papa. And also,” I couldn’t help but think of my own selfish pleasure, “do you happen to have any new fabric?”

“No. No more fabric, not since the last time, and I don't think you liked the latest one very much. It was the maroon with the with the copper thread, yes?”

“You're right, no thank you." I shook my head. "But, Papa said you had something for me to pick up?"

“Yes, yes.” Elkner tutted absently, wandering with his finger in the air. “Where did I put that? I just came in… oh, did I put it… no…” he muttered under his breath. He waved for me to follow him and together, we tried to make sense of the shop’s chaos. “Lets look in the back, we'll find it once I see it. I think we'll it be able to find it. Yes, with two eyes it'll be much easier.”

I couldn't help but smile. His mind was always on something else.

But, it was not much easier. It took us at least an hour for Elkner to even remember what exactly he was looking for. By the time he had, something else caught my eye.

A history book with an incredibly ornate cover gleamed from behind a stack of Rondolvan Hocat cards. My first thought, as I stoked my finger along the gilded spine, was that maybe Kraio would enjoy it. He always had his nose in something educational. Much to my ire, he was not one for ‘wasting time with something worthless’. While I had tried and failed to convince him of the value of fiction - unless it helped him with the lords and ladies - fiction was useless. But this one might be the perfect mix of the two. The title was written in golden filigree script that glistened as I pulled it from its place on the Rare bookshelf: How Love Changed Darion: The Beginning of the New Age.

“What does it mean by ‘New Age’?” I asked. I had never heard of anything like this … and through Papa's teachings, I should have been one of the most learned people outside of the capital. “What is this?”

“Oh that!” Elkner all but bounded to my side. “That, my dear, is one of the banned first books after the change in reign. Most of the copies were burned, I think is one of the few remaining.”

“Why was it banned?” I set it on the table and let it fall open. Twelve men and women, each in a recognizable house color, looked back at me. Their clothes were ancient and their faces were different, but they were unmistakably the original Pravaci Court.

“Well, the contents of this book was meant to be a record of our history and was accurate when it was published,” Elkner eagerly explained as he hovered over my shoulder. “It was supposed to comment and record how the world changing. So someday, when the change became the new normal, we would remember how the world used to be.”

“That seems like a perfectly good reason.” My eyebrows knit together. “Why burn the books?”

“Our history changed dramatically after it was written. The event it recorded was not the joyous occasion this book depicted, but the beginning of a tragedy that would divide our people for years. Instead of bringing hope, it was a cruel reminder of broken promises. The new regime, under the guidance of Regent King Bestolin, had them burned. They didn't want to spread the false message of the Mad Queen.”

The Mad Queen. I had heard that name before, but as far as I knew, she was a children’s tale based on the last Queen of War and her bloody end. It did more to serve as a way to keep children off of the streets than anything else.

According to the stories, the Mad Queen lurked in the shadows. Her face was sweet and angelic in the darkness, but in the light, you could see her fangs and claws. If she caught you out at night when you weren't supposed to be there, she would drag you into the woods and eat you alive. If you caught a look at her in the shadows, when she was beautiful, you could see a bloody red line across her neck. A gift from the brave knight that finally slew her. As she attacked him, he managed to slit her throat – but not before she sunk her wicked claws into his heart.

Mama and Papa never spoke of the Mad Queen. In fact, they never spoke about the Regent King’s climb to power at all. Their concerns were on the Regent King’s main advisor, the High Lady Straivia Uradavi. They never really talked about the last, and brief, joint reign of the Kings of War and Coin.

“You were around Papa’s age when that happened, right? When the Mad Queen was dethroned? What do you remember?” I asked, flipping though the beautifully painted pictures.

“Oh, I remember everything! I'm not so good with the recent," he said, motioning to the rest of his shop. "But I remember then like it was yesterday. I remember when King Deracose announced their betrothal. It was just after the death of his father, the old King of War. The Wasting took him.” Elkner bowed his head and slowly moved his thumb from the bridge of his nose to his forehead in the sign of respect for the dead. “Then-Prince Jerlorn had petitioned the Pravaci Court to marry a common girl. Of course, the Court was having none of it. But he persisted and, as the story goes, the last act of the old King of War was to give his blessing over his son's chosen bride, the commoner.

“With his father gone, and with the support of the new King of Coin, he, as the new King of War he was able to overrule the court. And Marielle Lark became the first common born Queen of Darion. She was seen, at least at first, as the true mark of grace and love from the King to his people. The new Kings and their soon to be brides were like beacons of light. We thought they would bring in a future age of prosperity.” He had a far away look in his eyes, his lips smiling sadly underneath his greying mustache.

“Why?” I asked.

“Well, the soon to be Queen of Coin, Eline was a Camile, she had learned all her life how to be the High Lady of Learning. It was her duty to teach all the Pravaci children, our future leaders, all they needed to know. But she, with the help of Marielle, who was originally her handmaid, had made the effort over many years to bring knowledge to all the children of the realm. They hated that only highborn children could read and study beyond the houses of their birth. Oh!” Elkner jumped back. “I remember now!” he exclaimed and whirled into the labyrinth of his shop.

I stayed and flipped through the pages. I marveled at the delicate paintings of the Pravaci Court through the ages as I skimmed through a thousand years of Darion’s history. Soon, however, I tired of the faces of long-dead leaders and flipped to the last chapter: “The New Age of Enlightenment”.

The first image was of the red-haired Solin Seblire, King of Coin. His face was regal with a noble nose and a neatly groomed beard, his green eyes were warm and inviting. He looked friendly and kind. On the page opposite him was a beautiful blond woman. Eline Seblire, Queen of Coin. Like the King, she was wearing the emerald green of the Seblire house. She was fair with a smattering of freckles across her cheeks, her golden hair was perfectly coifed – she looked majestic. But there was something in her face that beyond the obvious grace, that she was intelligent beyond measure. Something about the set of her jaw, like she was displeased at having to sit for a portrait. I decided that I liked her, she reminded me a little of Kraio. What struck me most was that they were barely older than I was.

I flipped the page and the contrast to the King and Queen of Coin was like day and night. King Jerlorn Deracose’s dark coffee colored waves looked like they were trying to escape their tie. There was a wildness to him, in his longer beard and his tanned face. If I imagined a hardened sailor, it would look like him. But his grey eyes had the same warm look to them as King Solin’s did. Like he was caring and quick to laughter. Across from him was a woman with porcelain skin, full lips and delicate features, surrounded by gently curled black hair. Her most striking feature was her piercing blue eyes. She wasn’t quite smiling, but there was a quiet warmth that seemed to flow from the page. I may have been reading too much into it, but she looked kind, like she wanted to tell me a funny secret.

With a slight shuffle, Elkner returned, nondescript paper wrapped package in hand. “There she is. That is the Mad Queen,” he said as he tapped the picture. There is a long pause and both he and I came to the same conclusion. “You know, other than her fair coloring, you could be her twin!”

“You've known me my entire life.” I looked up at him. “How is this the only time that you’ve said anything?”

He lifted his hands, almost in surrender. “You have to remember she was only Queen for a year, and before that, there were only glimpses of her when she helped the then-High Lady Eline. There was no need to spread the likeness of a lady's maid across the country. The only times anyone saw her likeness was the betrothal announcement, the wedding, and the heir announcement.”

“She was with child?” I felt as if Los was tugging at my stomach, his power of despair beginning to seep up the length of me.

“I… Don't remeb- oh! I think there was a miscarriage.” The blood drained from his face. “Yes, the Miscarriage.”

“And?”

“That’s when the Queen went mad.” A far-off look clouded his face, it was if he was swept of into the past. “Queen of Coin gave birth to the twins soon after the Queen of War lost her unborn child. And she, mad with jealously over the other queen’s two heirs… she murdered her. Stabbed her and stole one of the twins. Her body was found later, the twin was never seen again. Or so the stories say.”

“How have I never heard this before?” I whispered.

“My dear,” Elkner took my hand, “it tore the kingdom apart. There were those that thought a common queen would bring better lives and more perspective. Then there were those that argued a commoner in the Pravaci Court would spell doom for the kingdom. And when the Kingsdom heard, all Darion erupted as the two slides fought. The Kings fought, Coin against War, and for a time, there was chaos. All finances were frozen, no peacekeepers had orders, our enemies sought to take advantage of the lack of leadership. When King Regent Bestolin took stewardship of the throne, he set out to heal the kingdom. All written history of Queen Marielle Deracose was burned, including all likenesses of her, and she became the Mad Queen in the minds of the public. I would assume the only people who remember her are those who are old enough to remember it.” He pulled out a chair and sat next to me, looking weary.

“But it was our history.” I sounded so feeble; I could barely hear myself.

“That may have been true, but that history was too dangerous,” he said in an attempt to be comforting. It didn’t work.

“This tale of love was too dangerous?” I took my hand from his and waved at the book.

“It painted her in a good light. It spoke of a hopeful future, one that turned quickly to tragedy. It was no longer true.” His voice was low, like he was trying to soothe a frightened animal.

“How much do you want for this?” I got up and swept the book to me, its weight comforting against me.

He waved me off. “You would be doing me a favor. If I’m found with it… if anyone is found with it, its a good way to be sent to the Tower.”

“Why didn’t you burn it earlier then?” I asked.

“You know me well enough; I could never burn a book! Any book!” he said, looking horrified at the very idea. But in the next moment, he looked off, far away again, and whispered, “And I liked her. I never knew her, but I liked the idea of her.”

I pulled out my purse and set down more than enough for Papa’s package. “I need to go. I – I’ll see you soon.”

Through the grace of practice, I secured Ibis’ saddlebags and tore through the town. There must have been exclamations of indignation, but the sound of my thoughts were too overwhelming. The countryside flew by as they whirled around in my head. They were married in the winter of 1053. I was born in the spring of 1055, Kraio in the fall of 1054. She had a much kinder expression than I usually wore and her skin was fair, but otherwise, it was like looking into a mirror.

Even as I neared the mill, the only thing I could see was her face. It wasn’t quite as it had been painted, not gentle and happy, but it wasn’t one of madness either. It had morphed into something like heartache.

“Miss! You’re back!” Landis said, laden down with a bale of hay. “Your father-”

“Where is he?” I barked, jumping off Ibis before she came to a full stop.

Landis took a step forward. “Kitchen, I think. Can I help y-”

“No.” I pushed past him, Papa’s package in one hand and Darion’s history in the other.

I threw the door open and Papa was sitting at the dining room table, poring over what looked like reports. He didn’t look phased as I crashed into the room, breathing heavily. He didn’t even look up until he had finished scribbling his thought.

“Nati, I am tired of fixing that door. For once, could you come in like a normal person?” Papa stroked his beard as he had always done, as if nothing was wrong.

How could he? How could he?

“How did my parents die?” I made my face a mask. I wiped the emotion from my stance and steadied my breathing.

Papa’s lip twitched. “What's brought this on?”

“I said, how did my – our parents die?” My voice was listless.

“They were in the early resistance to High Lady Uradavi. When she discovered their existence – she had them killed.” The same story he had told Kraio and me our entire lives - word for word, the same hitch in his voice.

It would not be enough this time. “Who were our parents?”

“Nati, you know this.” He sighed. “Why are you bringing this up?”

“Who were our parents?” I asked.

“They were my dearest friends.” The quill snapped in his hand. “They were helping me bring her down. I couldn't save them in time.” He couldn’t look at me. His focus was solely on the ink droplets seeping into the parchment, like blood in the snow. “Is that what you wanted to hear?

“You liar!” I cried.

Mama appeared at the door, “Natiselle! What is going on?”

His face hardened, not betraying any of his feelings. I didn’t want a stoic leader or a logical teacher. I wanted anger, passion – something!

“You liar!” I threw down the book, and it fell open to the page of the Mad Queen and the King of War’s wedding. “How do you explain this?” I pointed furiously at the woman who looked just like me. She was hand in hand with the King. Her wedding dress, a white gown threaded with Deracosi blue, swirled around her. Her eyes were a stark contrast against the black curls that gracefully cascaded over her shoulders. “I will ask you again, who were my parents?”

Trembling, he reached out and traced her image. Still, he said nothing.

“Say something!” I hissed. “Have you been lying to me –”

The creaky second step interrupted me and I whirled to find Kraio there, book in hand, lips pursed. How long he had been there, I had no idea.

“To us? Have you been lying to us this entire time?” I turned on Mama. “Have you? Did you know about this?”

Apparently, it was her turn to be speechless, she crossed her arms and refused to meet my eyes. But Kraio joined me at the table.

“Look at this.” I spun the book around to face us, what could have been my likeness, dancing on the page. “And them,” I said, turning the page to the Seblires. They, like the Deracoses, were dancing in their house colors. The Queen was in a white gown threaded with Seblire green, dotted with embroidered blossoms in Camile purple. The Queen had a familiar expression on her face, the King had Kraio’s chiseled jawline. With him there for comparison, the resemblance was clear.

“It’s them. They’re our parents. Aren’t they?” Kraio said, remarkably calm.

The air hung still. Suffocating.

“Yes.” Papa said, looking at his hands.

Somehow, I thought that hearing the truth would make me feel better. It didn’t. Unconciously, I started pacing.

“You're telling me that my father is out there. That he's been out there, all this time.” There was a different type of anger coursing though me. “And you kept me from him. Kraio from his?”

“Yes.” Papa said.

“You.” I was shaking. Hot angry tears dribbled down my chin. “You stole… You stole family from us. You stole blood from us. Why?”

Papa finally looked up at me. “She would have killed you if you tried to go back.”

“How can I trust anything you say?” I spat. “Is she even evil? Did she even kill our mothers?”

“I did it to protect you.” He turned to Kraio and me. “You both. I love you both too much to risk that.”

A father’s love? That was his excuse?

All I could do was stare at him.

It wasn’t good enough. That was not enough.

“You are not my father. That wasn't your decision to make,” I said. He didn’t deserve to call himself Papa. And I wouldn’t either.

“Nati –”

“Rionel, have at you, Erion.” I spat his name. It was the first time I had ever used it and it felt foreign in my mouth.

His face twitched.

I left.

the little bell that hung above it pealed throughout the cluttered space.

Diction choice here: pealing makes it sound like it was louder than it would be. A little bell like that would "tinkle" or "ring lightly"

Yards of beautifully embroidered fabric were tucked away on the only floor to ceiling shelves that weren’t occupied by books.

I love the image you paint of the shop! I think this image needs to be introduced sooner so that we know that it's not just a bookstore. It'll make the image even more interesting and fun!

And also,” I couldn’t help but think of my own selfish pleasure, “do you happen to have any new fabric?”

Grammer thing: I think…think that when you have a complete sentence in the middle of an incomplete dialog you need to use an em dash?
"And also–" I couldn't help but think of my own selfish pleasure. "–do you happen to have any new fabric?"

Her face was sweet and angelic in the darkness, but in the light, you could see her fangs and claws. If she caught you out at night when you weren't supposed to be there, she would drag you into the woods and eat you alive. If you caught a look at her in the shadows, when she was beautiful, you could see a bloody red line across her neck.

Ooo! I love myths and legends like this! But saying that in the dark she is beautiful and sweet and then the light is where her fangs are seen seems strange? and it doesn't completely add up with kid snatching in the dark.

“You know, other than her fair coloring, you could be her twin!”

Oh ho! I know you already told me that this way the plot twist, but I still felt the reveal! This is a really good way to describe Nati and her mom at the same time. usually people listing traits of people's faces annoys me, but this was well done.

“You would be doing me a favor. If I’m found with it… if anyone is found with it, its a good way to be sent to the Tower.”

I think, then, you should make the finding of the book more difficult for Nati. I know she's in the back of the store, but even still. It should be in a dusty corner, behind stuff and she should actually have to "unearth" it. Ya know, for the ~drama~

“Rionel, have at you, Erion.”

Oh! Oh! oh… I copy and pasted this to comment that I didn't understand this phrase, but re reading it again, I realized that it's an in-universe curse! lol! nothing to see here, carry on. (though I would say, the first comma is unnecessary and puts a pause where I don't think there should be one)

This scene was super interesting because it's a real turning point in the plot, I feel like! I really liked how the two kids reacted differently and none of the emotions felt over the top or cheesy for me! (if you felt like you needed to, you could even dial it up a notch without going too far over) The world building didn't feel like an info dump because it was logical how it was introduced!

Overall, super swell and you never fail to impress!! :)

Omg that was such a quick turn around! I'll get on those edits, thanks again girly!

Life update, guys: college is kicking my ass lol

Oh no! What's wrong? Is everything messed up from COVID?

Yeah it's insane. everything is online, even for "in person" classes and so I've had technical issues on top of the 20 programs I'm supposed to keep track of…….it's just insane lol
but I love all my professors, so that's good!

Thats awful, but I belived in you!

I think I might want to switch places with you…. I'm in person (we were in a two week quarentine, tested twice, and bc the Army can actually enforce mask wearing - we're relatively safe). But, I'm in the middle of training for my job and the professor makes me want to scoop my eardrums out with a mellon baller. This 50+ yr old man says: YAS (unironically), "Meow" instead of now, wastes all of our time with sound effects FROM HIS MOUTH and he has a MIC (whoever gave this man a mic, seriously wanted to torture us), and treats us as if we were in Kindergarten. And we have to spend 8 hours a day with this man. My soul is broken. The unspoken sass is threatening to explode.

The only thing saving me is the ability to online shop. Send help. For the sake of my poor bank account, save me.

Oh my gosh……..he sounds like an absolute character……..literally I think I could deal with everything else except people who treat their students like they're younger than they really are. Huge pet peeve of mine, so I totally would not want to switch.
For the sake of your bank account, and your brain, I'd suggest going ahead and finding an outlet for that sass. A steady stream of sarcasm clears my mind in times of trouble 😂

So, I have several things in the works right now. Would you guys rather see the scene right after Nati has the big alley fight (and kills those three thugs)? Or the scene where Nati's mother and father think that Marielle (Nati's mother) has miscarried her (Nati). Or do you guys have something you would like to see with the characters?

Ooo either of those sound crazy! Whichever you're most excited about? Or whichever one you're least confident with and want a second/third pair of eyes on?

So, I was writing the thing that most needed to be put down…. When all the shit hits the fan, the climax of the whole first book. But I got so sad, so I needed some fluff. Here it is (plus background info.):

Set up: Erion has already gone missing (his mom sent him to get trained in Lian (assassin training)) and has been gone for six months or so. Jerlorn (Prince of War) and Solin (Prince of Coin) are about to be 17. Marielle and Eline are 15/ early 16. Since childhood, every week or so in the warm months, they’d sneak up to the palace roof to look at the stars.

Earlier Jer explains the tides to Mari. He says something to the effect of “The sailors of old noticed that when then moon is larger, the tides are stronger. They say the moon has influence over the water, [tells a story of how the moon and the sea were in love, but she was betrothed to the sun. The gods degreed that she had to complete her duties, so she joined the sun in the sky. But she grew so unhappy that she began to run from the sun. Night took pity on her and agreed to hide her from the sun. Sometimes the Sun catches her and night and day clash as they struggle. But in the chase, the moon grows brave and larger and the sea grows excited to see her. But the sun always appears to drive her into hiding again.]

Jesimae is one of the goddesses. Godessess of youth, beauty, jealousy, vanity

Jerlorn –

Sol and Eline were the first to fall asleep, as usual. His nasally breathing and her occasional muttering joined the distant cricket song. It was a familiar lullaby that should have been comforting, but an entire instrument was missing. There was no Erion to point at the stars and whisper the exploits of the constellations. So, there were no interrupting questions or enthralled gasps from Mari.

“Are you thinking about him too?” Mari asked.

“Yes,” I murmured. “It’s strange without him. It almost feels wrong to be up here.” I shook my head. “That’s silly.”

“No, it’s not.” She said.

Jesimae wrapped her jealous fingers around my heart. “Do you miss him?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said without pause. “He was my first true friend.”

I turned on my side to look at her, to really see her as she gazed up at the stars. The stars without their narrator.

She chewed on her lower lip. “I worry about him.”

I did too. But a little part of me, a frightening and shameful part of me was glad that he was gone. And that part of me did not like that she was worried about him.

“I wonder if he is all alone or if he has someone with him, helping him. I wonder why he left us. Why he broke Eline’s heart. I wonder why none of his brothers will tell us anything. I wonder how the High Lady can continue on as if nothing has happened.” Her voice became so soft that I had to inch closer to hear her. “I just hope he’s alright.”

A thin breeze blew over us, a reminder that Summer was soon coming to an end. A reminder that come Winter, Sol and my tours would start. It would be time for us to leave the girls behind too. We would train amongst our allies and put our lessons to the test. I would walk in the same land where Mari’s father served, the same land where he died. Would she miss me in the same way?

I shouldn’t ask.

I shouldn’t ask.

I couldn’t.

“Mari?” I asked.

“Hmm?” She turned to me, finally pulling away from the stars.

“What if it had been me?” I asked. “What would you do if I was the one who went missing?”

The light of the moon and the stars lit the sorrow on her face and my heart fell.

“Forgive me, I shouldn’t have said anything.” Stupid, stupid.

She looked back at the moon and stars and whispered, “I would search all Darion for you. I would climb every mountain and ford every stream. If I couldn’t find you here, I would wander past our borders until I did.”

I could hear the beating of my heart in my ears. “Why?” She was still here. She wasn’t doing the same for Erion.

“Because…” Her throat bobbed as she swallowed. “Losing you would be like losing the moon. The ebb and flow of my heart would stop.”

The opposite was happening to me. I turned her face back to mine and brushed away a welling tear. “Can I kiss you now?”

“Yes.”

AWWW!! they're adorable omg!!

It kinda wanted the moment to hang on longer even, at the end there. "The opposite was happening to me" could be drawn out a bit, and we could get a better picture of Mari's building emotions from the point where she calls like the moon and the point where they kiss.
Ugh so cute tho!!

I loved the myth you explained at the beginning. That gives the scene even a richer emotional element!