forum Three in Death and Two in Life (Come Read and Critique, please!)
Started by @ElderGod-Icefire
tune

people_alt 54 followers

@ElderGod-Icefire

I've said it before and I'll say it again: James is my favorite! He's just a poor lil cinnamon roll! XD
Other than that, the relationship building between him and Avitas is excellent. You add a good mix of head-butting and grudging alliance, while at the same time leaving possible room for friendship. In addition, you are getting better at fleshing out each character with each chapter. I think that holding back some details of the slums and character's pasts was a good choice; too much backstory kills the plot.
As for making James trans, I mean it's your story. All I would have to say is let him decide. If you are really feeling that he should be and he wants to be, then go for it.

Lol thanks!
Oh thank you!! Yeah I figured that they wouldn't get along too well bc they're so different.
Yeah, I've kinda been flipping back and forth lol

@ElderGod-Icefire

This is amazing, I love your writing style, and I'm gonna just follow along to maybe try to learn from you. By the way, that prophecy is amazing.

Thanks!! Haha alright. Oh thank you!

@ElderGod-Icefire

So uh. There won't be a chapter this week either because I'm a lazy ass but also because I'm struggling with it lmao. Sorry guys! I'll do my best to get one out next week.

@ElderGod-Icefire

(I am so so sorry for the long wait you guys! Real life has gotten busy as fuck and I'm very sorry. Also I hit writer's block bc Tessa is…not my favorite but anyways here's the next chapter!)


Chapter Nine: Tessa

Tessa raked her hands through her curly dark hair, pulling it back into a low ponytail as she followed Ace. This might not have been the best idea, she reflected, sighing and shaking her head as Ace talked and talked and talked. And talked.

“Your– Ace.” Tessa put a hand on the princess’ shoulder, turning the blonde girl to face her. “Slow down.”

Ace reached up to cover Tessa’s hand with her own, nearly bouncing in place. “But Tess, I’m so excited! Think about all the good we’re going to do! Together!”

Tessa’s mouth twitched in a faint smile, and she shook her head. “Ace…” she sighed softly. She didn’t know how to make her plan go the way it was supposed to. Both her own plan, and Ace’s. “Calm down, and try to keep a level head? Remember that…it may not work out the way you want it to.” she bit her lip slightly.

“I know, I know, I know.” Ace said. But Tessa could tell that the princess wasn’t really listening to a thing that Tessa had said to her.

“Besides, we already talked about this. This is going to go great, and you can’t convince me otherwise.” Ace ran a hand through her hair, grinning at Tess.

Tess shook her head, but smiled. “Alright, alright. Let–” she broke off as she spotted Ace’s friend from five days ago. Avitas. He was running towards them, eyes wide. She reached out and stopped him before he could get too close. “What do you want?”

“Ace– there was– he–” Avitas was panting, gasping for air. He bent, hands braced on his knees.

Tess’ eyes narrowed, and she pushed him upright and into a wall. Sure, he was taller than she, but she was strong. “What happened?” she demanded.

His throat worked for a moment. “Th-there was a guy. James.” he gasped out. “He– he was looking for Ace. Said she was the princess. So I was…I was helping him, and I didn’t know…I didn’t know he was Henri Donovan’s son, honest to gods I didn’t, and now…”

What!” Tessa slammed him backwards again. “What did you do?”

Avitas made a noise in the back of his throat. “Rath Josen. I took him to Rath Josen because I thought…I swear to the gods, I didn’t know he was Henri Donovan’s son, or I never would have brought him there…” he gulped. His eyes were fearful. Good.

What. Fucking. Happened.” Tessa growled, glaring at Avitas.

“Tes–”

“Shut up, Ace.” Tessa snarled, looking at Avitas still.

“Josen took him ca-captive. He…and I don’t know…I think…Josen’s looking for you, Ace.” Avitas’ wide eyes flashed to the princess, then back to Tessa. “He’s one of the biggest bosses in these parts, if he…if he finds you, you’re a goner.”

Tessa dropped him, backing away with her lips in a thin line. “You gods-damned idiot.” she spat out. “You bastard! Do you realize what you’ve done?” she raked her hands through her hair, black curls falling around the shoulders she hardly recognized in the mirror anymore.

Ace stared between Tessa and Avitas. “If this Josen guy is really so dangerous…we should just head back to the palace.” she said softly.

“Y-you can’t.” Avitas said in a dry, soft voice. “He’s got most of the sector guards in his pocket. They wouldn’t let you through. Even if you’re the princess. Josen, he’s…he’s got a better hierarchy and set up than most gangs around here. He’s…dangerous.”

“Yeah? How do you know so much about him?” Tessa asked in a dangerously soft voice, hand twitching to her belt. “How do you know that he’s got the guards in his pockets? That he’s dangerous?”

Avitas took a deep breath. “It’s…common knowledge?” he said weakly.

Lies. Her hand flicked to her belt, pulled out a knife. The blade flashed in the sun as she pressed it to his throat. “What aren’t you telling us, Avitas?”

She watched his throat bob. He licked his lips nervously. “Tessa…I…” he spoke slowly. “I don’t know what to say.” he didn’t look at her, his attention on the knife.

“Start with the truth.” she hissed, pressing the edge of the blade to his throat, glaring up at him. “Or I gut you right here.”

“Tessa–” Ace started again. Tess glanced at the princess. Ace’s eyes were wide and afraid as she stared at them.

“Shut it, Ace. He’s lying, and it could be endangering your life.” Tessa fixed her gaze on Avitas again.

“Shit, I…Tessa…” Avitas’ stammered, staring at her fearfully. “I’m…”

“Spill. It. Now.”

“I work for him, okay? I’m just one of the dippers, just a pickpocket, nothing more I swear. This isn’t a trap, I promise you it isn’t.” he blurted, those blue eyes never leaving the knife she was pressing to his throat.

She pressed harder. Blood trickled down his fair skin. “Anything else?” she growled, glaring daggers at him. How dare he endanger Ace like this? After all her work, everything she’s done to guarantee her plans would work, and he just waltzes in and destroys all of it.

“N-no I swear!” he exclaimed, straining backwards to get away from her knife. “I swear I’m just a dipper, I just steal things I wouldn’t hurt the princess, I swear to all the gods I know of!” his voice was high, panicked.

She kept the knife there for a few more moments, then dropped back. She wiped it on her pants, sheathing it. “If you’re lying, I will kill you.” she said in a soft, deadly tone. She looked at Ace.

“Tessa, what the fuck?!” Ace screeched. “What the fuck was that??! You pulled a knife! You’re a handmaid, not a…a…assassin or whatever the fuck that was!”

“Ace.” Tessa said calmly. “I’m no assassin, but I was never just a handmaiden.” Layers upon layers. Don’t drop the act. “I’m supposed to be a secret bodyguard. To protect you from scum like him.” she jerked a thumb at Avitas, remembering when the same things were said of her. That she was scum beneath someone else’s boot. She clenched her jaw at the memory. She wasn’t that anymore. She wasn’t. And she never would be again. Soon, neither would her people.

Ace took a deep breath. “He’s not scum, Tessa. He’s a person, just like you and me.” she said slowly, staring at Tessa. “And…you should have told me you were a bodyguard before you pulled a knife on someone I consider a fucking friend?”

Avitas, Tessa noticed, was being very quiet through this. Perhaps he was afraid that she would threaten him with the knife again. She allowed a very faint smile at that. She might not look the same as she usually did, but that didn’t matter. She could still terrify a man.

“Ace.” Tessa said, as calm as she could possibly be. “He’s not like you and me.” she kept her voice level. “We aren’t criminals.” at least, Ace wasn’t. Tessa knew that she herself, though? She was. Just not on this planet. “And I couldn’t tell you. I wasn’t allowed to. Now you know, though.”

“Tessa, he’s part of the reason I want to fix this place.” Ace stared hard at Tessa. It made the girl uncomfortable. “I want to give him other opportunities, opportunities that don’t involve criminal activities.” she took a step closer to Tessa. “Earlier, you backed me up on this.”

“Earlier, I didn’t know that you were going to condone criminal behavior.” Tessa’s voice was frosty, even as she wished that someone would have done something like this on her home. For her people. But then again, if they had, she wouldn’t be doing this.

Tessa, oh my gods.” Ace groaned. “It’s not like he really has a choice down here. I’ve seen the job choices. Good, reputable ones are very few and far between.”

“So what?”

“So…so there has to be some forgiveness for smaller theft like he does. It’s not like he murders people.” Ace replied, crossing her arms and staring over at Tessa with her teeth gritted. “Don’t you get it?”

“No, Ace. I don’t.” Tessa replied calmly, staring right back at Ace challengingly. “I don’t get it at all. If you start pardoning criminals, where do you stop? Whose crimes are finally “too big” to be pardoned, huh? Where are you gonna draw that line?”

Ace blinked. “Tessa, I…I don’t know.” the princess looked like Tessa had sucker punched her. Not a good look. “But he…he’s not a criminal, and he…gods, I don’t know, Tess.”

Tessa shook her head. “Fine. We can talk about this later.” she said firmly, putting her knife away. She looked at Avitas. “You. How do we get out of here?”

“You don’t.” Avitas replied after a moment. “There’s no way for you to escape without getting hurt, killed, or captured. You’d have to be able to fly, and there ain’t no one here that would even let you near a ship, no matter how shitty it is.” he shifted, looking at Tessa.

She clenched her jaw. “Well then. Looks like we need to find us a ship, don’t we?” she looked at Ace. “We should go back to that bar, talk to Kalir. He might be able to help us. Right?”

Ace nodded. “Wh– yeah. He should be able to. I uhm…I hope so, anyway. I don’t want to cause any trouble for him, though. That would be a really shitty thing to do.”

Tessa snorted. “Yeah, no shit. Come on. Both of you.” she glared at Avitas. “You’re coming with us so that I can keep an eye on you.”

@justapettySlytherin group

So, not going to lie, it was a little choppy. It didn't flow as well as some of your other chapters, but that could just be because you're struggling with Tess's character. That doesn't mean it's necessarily horrible, just that maybe you need to do a read-through and take out some bits that chunk up the flow.
That being said, you do keep an aura of mystery around Tess's character that makes me very intrigued by her past/backstory/what she's really doing with Ace. I think that is a key characteristic of plot and character development and I definitely prefer protagonists that I slowly learn about, not just get their entire life thrown at me in a paragraph.
All in all, keep up the good writing and I can't wait for the next chapter.
cough cough and james cough cough

@ElderGod-Icefire

Haha yeahh…I've been trying to keep the mystery up for a while longer because…just because, and Tessa's character…ugh.
Thanks tho!
haha James isn't in the next chapter…I don't think. The next chapter is Orion's

@ElderGod-Icefire

Hey guys…just wanted to let y'all know that there won't be a chapter this week, because chemistry is beating my ass and i need to focus on that. it literally made me cry because i can't get it and UGH So yeah. Sorry!

@ElderGod-Icefire

Hey all…I am so so so sorry that I haven't been posting anything. I'm just going through some shit and I hit a writer's block. Plus Covid-19 is fucking everything up. So…I promise I haven't forgotten about this, and it will be updated again, but I don't know when I'll be able to update again. I'm so sorry, guys!