forum “You are terrifying, and strange, and beautiful... something not everybody knows how to love.”// No more people please // OcxOc

Started July 17, 2021 by @michael_rainer_eats_uranium group

tune

Ender didn’t look up at him. His voice was quiet, and a little shaky. “………sorry……” He wiped off his face, which was damp with tears. He hated yelling. It reminded him of before, when he was in heaven.

You had one job. You were made for one thing. You were created to torture. And here you are, crying over being yelled at by a human. Pathetic.

Ender’s intrusive thoughts were starting to get to him. He knew Kapnos wouldn’t be any help though, so he just kept it to himself. That was one reason why he was hesitant to tell Pogo what was going on in his head; Kapnos would almost certainly mock or belittle him for it. Even if Ender didn’t hear it, he knew it would happen.

Alright, Kap, that's enough. Give me my body back.

"Sheesh," Kapnos cackled aloud. "Not even gonna thank me? The nerve of this guy," they added, rolling their eyes at Ender as if they expected the angel to agree with them. They frowned.

"Oh. Right. You can't hear him. That's lame."

They sighed. "Fine, Al. Take it back."

And then there he was, rubbing his eyes as he readjusted to being corporeal. He'd never get used to it.

He knelt beside Ender, concern furrowing his brow. "Are you alright? That guy wasn't too much, was he..?"

Ender didn’t look up. He didn’t want to tell him what was going on, Kapnos would only make fun of him. His own head already did that enough.
“……I’m gonna…..I’m gonna go over there for a bit……” He pointed at an alley. “……I feel the eyes coming on….” He stood up and walked, not looking up. He disappeared around a corner.

”Did’ja come here to smoke, kid? Cuz I’ve got an extra pack.” A tall, bulky man leaned against the brick wall. He had dark, shoulder length hair, and wore a hat that cast a shadow over his eyes.

Ender nodded, taking a cigarette from the pack the man handed him and putting it between his lips. The man lit Ender’s cigarette with his own. Ender had seen people smoke before, and had a decent idea of what to do. He inhaled the smoke, then blew it out, coughing a little. He had never done this before.

”First time, eh? Try inhaling through your teeth, so you don’t breathe in too much at once. Takes a while to get used to it.” Ender tried again, and coughed less this time. He was starting to feel a little lightheaded, and a little dizzy. He liked it.

Pogo watched, rubbing his face with his hands in exasperation and exhaustion. He wasn't going in an alley.

Ender was immortal, right? He'd be fine.

He sat down on the bench, his face resting in his hands. Maybe the city was a bad idea.

Don't beat yourself too much over it. You're just used to city life, Kapnos offered. He's not, just like you're not used to a radioactive forest.

"I-I know, but… I feel like he's doing it again. He's not talking to me when something's bugging him. A-And we just talked about it, too…"

Well, change takes time, yeah? Maybe walking over to what's probably the most dangerous place you could be in a city wasn't the brightest idea, but I don't think anyone's told him that, yet.

Pogo fell silent.

Listen, I know you hate alleys. I hate them too. But you thought it yourself, he's practically immortal. He can take a shiv or something for the both of you.

He sighed. "Fine. Fine, but if he's going to hide, we're gonna hide somewhere safer."

Pogo got up from the bench and tentatively made his way over to the alley, calling Ender's name in the hopes of getting his attention.

"Ender? Where'd you go? L-Listen, I get you wanna get away for a second, but the alley isn't the best place to—"

He froze, staring at Ender — and the little cigarette between his lips.

This time, he was the one to pull out his pocket knife, pointing it at the man in the hat beside Ender.

Uh oh, whispered Kapnos.

"You trying to get another fuckin' kid addicted to that shit?" he spat, a unique kind of anger fueling his ragged, trembling tone. "I don't give a damn what you do with yourself, but damn you to hell if you try to hook someone else."

Almost instinctively at this point, he smacked the cigarette out of Ender's hands and dragged him away by his shirt.

Kapnos didn't say a word. They knew quite well why Pogo had such a vendetta against tobacco, and they weren't going to risk tipping him over.

Ender flinched as he slapped the cigarette away. He let out a quiet yelp as he was dragged away from the man. He had hidden the rest of the pack in his satchel, and didn’t plan on letting him know. He was incredibly tense, and didn’t want to do anything that could potentially make Pogo or Kapnos angry.
“………s-sorry……”

You filthy, polluted thing. You’ve disappointed yet another human. Why are you still here, anyway?

Ender wanted nothing more than to run away.

You knew this would happen again. You’re too much.

His face was blank. He felt numb.

When the two were somewhere that resembled less of an alley, Pogo turned and faced Ender, anger and hurt and confusion written all over his face.

"You didn't tell me you smoked. You don't tell me anything," he whispered. "How much about you do I not know? How much are you going to keep hidden from me until it's too late?"

He briefly turned away from Ender, furiously wiping away the tears that had begun to form.

"L-Listen… if we're gonna be something, you can't smoke. I'm setting that boundary now. I can't be near someone who does that."

Ender nodded, refusing to let himself cry. He was terrified. “…….I’m sorry…..it won’t happen again…..” He threw the rest of the pack into a trash can.

You hurt him again. Great job.

Why hasn’t he left yet? Why haven’t you left yet?

Ender stared at the ground. He couldn’t meet Pogo’s eyes. “……why haven’t you left yet?”

Pogo's gaze dropped to the ground. Kapnos thought of offering their two cents, but given the situation, thought better of it.

"Because… I care about you," he whispered. "A-And I want to give you a chance. We're…"

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "We're different people, so there's a lot we're going to have to learn about each other, but… I-I don't like this. I don't like that you hurt yourself like this."

He gestured at the trash can Ender had thrown the cigarettes into. "Alcohol is fine; in moderation, it's even good for you. But drugs? Tobacco? It does nothing but destroy you. I-I can't just watch you turn to the unhealthiest coping mechanisms you can find the second you get stressed. Talk to me. I can't do anything to help you if you don't let me help you."

Ender teared up. “……he’s gonna make fun of me if I say what’s going on…..” He stared at the ground. It sounded silly now that he said it out loud.

"They make fun of you regardless," Pogo sighed. "They make fun of me, too. It's just who they are."

Yeah, put the blame on me. I'm not the one who has to fear for my life every time he's around or anything, grumbled Kapnos. Pogo rubbed his temples.

Please, not now. I'll get you more coffee.

Kapnos grunted, but kept quiet.

"Listen, if they make fun of you, I can just eat salt, alright?" Pogo continued, taking out the bottle of salt he kept in his pocket. "It's gross, but it shuts them up. Your safety is more important."

Ender trembled. “…….I….I hate yelling…….s-so much…..” He didn’t look up. He didn’t know if he could handle eye contact right now.
“……..everything’s j-just……too much…..I feel it in the w-woods, but it’s a lot worse here…..everything’s loud and bright and strange and mean and scary……..and t-then there’s….” Ender trailed off, lost in his thoughts. He tried to remember. It was all fuzzy. “…..the Bad Men…….I think……they yelled a lot…..when I w-wouldn’t cooperate…….”
He stared off.

Pogo took Ender's hand.

"Things aren't so scary anymore when you learn what they are and how they work," he offered. "You can't be afraid forever, it's just… no way to live."

His gaze dropped to the ground.

"I don't like yelling, either. But a lot of the time, there's nothing you can do but stand up for yourself. People tend to not yell at you when they don't think they can get away with it."

He lifted his head, scanning for their location relative to his apartment.

"What if we take it slower? Let you adjust to the city in a more safe area?"

Ender nodded, holding onto his hand.
…..warm…..
He couldn’t stop thinking about the Bad Men. He couldn’t remember much, but little snippets kept coming back to him. He squeezed Pogo’s hand tighter.

Pogo managed something resembling a smile, yet the emotion in his gaze was indecipherable. He picked out his apartment's location and began heading back, keeping an eye on their surroundings, his pocket knife still out and by his side.

You got a lot going on in this head of yours, huh? Kapnos snickered. Can't say I blame you. But these thoughts are loud. You might wanna take some breaths or something.

I'll breathe later. We just need to get home.

Ender felt terrible.

That was a mistake. That was a mistake. That was a mistake. That was a mistake. That was a mistake. That was a mistake. That was a mistake. That was a mistake.

He tried to shut the thoughts out of his head, but he couldn’t. He started to get lost in his head again, and let go of Pogo’s hand.

He might not even be real! None of this is real! You’re still in the box! They made him up! This isn’t real!

He stared off.

Eventually, they were home. Pogo flipped the blade of his knife closed and pocketed it, pulling out his keys and unlocking the door. When the two were inside, he shut and locked it behind him. He moved to the living room and sat on the couch, pointing to the spot next to him.

"We need to talk."

It then immediately occurred to him how terrifying of a statement that was, so with a softened expression he added, "Y-You're not in trouble or anything. I just… I think we really need to just sit down and get to know each other."

His stomach dropped. He nearly threw up on the spot.
‘We need to talk, 0027E. Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble, I’d just like to get to know you more. We’re on your side here. We’d just like to learn more about…. you.’
Ender remembered again. He made himself sit down, curling up a little. A half a dozen eyes showed up on his body.

Pogo sat crosslegged on the couch, ruminating on how to begin. Ender looked as if he was scared out of his wits, and he couldn't think of how to ease his nerves.

"… What's going on?" he asked tentatively. "I want the whole story. I need to know who exactly I'm getting into a relationship with."

You couldn't have figured this out from the beginning, sneered Kapnos, instead of falling head over heels for the first guy you meet?

Shut up.

Ender was incredibly tense. His baggy white t-shirt that was too big for him made him look smaller than he was.
“…..I……s-so……a-a while ago……..I c-can’t remember how long a-ago, but it was pretty s-soon after I was…..kicked out……….I-I went to sleep……and I w-woke up in a……I-in a building……in a r-really bright, white room……the t-tiles were so cold…….I didn’t have a-any socks……”
Ender started to tear up.

You’re still there. You know you are.

“……they…..t-they did tests……a l-lot of tests……….w-with a lot of n-needles…..they tried t-to get me to do a lot of things………and s-sometimes I wouldn’t……..a-and they’d shock me……..” He stared at the ground. “……when I cried……..t-they’d give me a s-shot…….they g-gave me a lot of s-shots……..it made everything……..s-slow down…….”

Pogo fell silent, his gaze drifting to the floor. He didn't know entirely how to respond, so he just kept quiet.

Huh… I mean, a fallen angel would be a prime subject of interest to the government, Kapnos commented. You know how pushy they got when you made being 'demonically possessed' your performance schtick. Looks like they just actually managed to catch him.

Ender looked up at him. “……..a-are you real?…..”
There was a look of utmost desperation in his eyes. “…….you’re not j-just a…..test…..r-right?”

Sympathy softened Pogo's features. "Of course I'm real. I feel like if I was tangoing with the government, it'd be more on the lines of evading capture than working for them, y'know?"

He rested a hand on Ender's shoulder, careful to avoid the eyes. "There's none of those people here, whoever they were. You're safe here. I moved here specifically to get away from prying eyes, as a matter of fact. The city's got a lot of people, but that just makes it easier to blend in."

“……..b-but what if t-this is just a test……to s-see how long it t-takes for me to figure out…..” Ender began to shake. “…….I n-never left……I-I’m just in t-the box again……”

This guy's fucked, holy cow, Kapnos cackled, yet there was an apprehensiveness to their laughter that made it sound almost like pity. Almost.

Pogo, again, was at a loss for words. He moved in and embraced Ender tightly.

"Well… if you've come to this conclusion, surely they would've ended the 'test' by now, wouldn't they?" he whispered. "But they haven't. I'm still here. There's no box anymore, just my apartment. And neither I nor the apartment are going anywhere, I promise."

He tightened his hug.

"You're safe. I promise."

He curled up tight, and cried. He just cried. He couldn’t stop remembering.