Nathaniel stirred a bit as the bed grew colder, Zedd's familiar warmth having been missing for several minutes. He opened his eyes groggily, completely drained still and very unhappy to be awake. He glanced around, his heart thumping hard in his chest when he didn't see Zedd. Calm down, he's… he's probably just having a snack… or something. Despite his attempt to reassure himself, he slipped out of bed with his plush wolf clutched tightly to his chest. He couldn't speak; couldn't call out to find Zedd. As he shuffled across the carpet, he caught the soft sound of crying from the bathroom. "Dad…?" He hesitated before pushing open the door and stepping inside, shivering as the cold tiles bit at his bare feet. Upon seeing Zedd crying, his stomach sunk. Did I do this…? "D-Dad? Are… are you okay?" He asked weakly, not daring to step closer yet in case he was the cause of this breakdown.
(I'm not crying)
(You're crying)
(Hi, thank you for following Pain & Suffering™)
Fuck.
He hadn't wanted this to happen. He didn't want Nathaniel to see him. "Go back to bed," he said, the command sounding very weak and more like a begged request. He didn't want the boy to start blaming himself again. Then again, it was far from likely that he hadn't already done so.
Hurt continued to well up in his chest, angry with himself that he had messed this up as well. There was so much he continued to mess up. Stars, he was such a screw up. Zedd attempted to take a deep breath but it sounded shakey.
"Just… I'll be in there in a moment," he said, running a hand through his hair. He hoped that this once the angel would listen and at least wait to ask again later.
(I did change the title for a reason 👀)
(I’d say it was a fitting change.)
Nathaniel hesitated for several seconds, considering. He didn't want Zedd to be angry with him for disobeying a direct order, but… he also didn't want to leave Zedd alone in this state. If it were him in Zedd's place, which it usually was, Zedd wouldn't leave him alone. It just wasn't the right thing to do. Soon, after being frozen in place for a bit, he sat down beside Zedd on the ground and huddled up against his side in an attempt to comfort the man. What would dad say if it were me…? "Y-You're okay… it's not your fault, dad…" He murmured softly with his arms wrapped around Zedd as well as he could.
Zedd flinched, feeling the touch of Nathaniel's small embrace. The boy didn't know what it meant to have something truly be his fault. He was raised wrong. Nathaniel didn't have a choice in that and thus was scared of upsetting people. The man the angel was currently hugging had always considered himself a screw-up. He didn't want to make this any worse for Nathaniel. "Ha… it really is," he said. There was a golden glow that started from a small bubble forming in his palms. It grew and eventually started to push at the boy at his side. Zedd didn't want to have to use his magic to push the angel away, but he was stuck with the feeling that he was a failure. "I really, really fucked up. I'm not a good choice for a 'dad', Nathaniel," he added, a dark chuckle following. "I'm supposed to handle this as an adult and not bring you into it. So listen to me and wait in the other room?" Zedd's voice once again sounded weak as he spoke.
"B-But I don't wanna leave you like this, dad…" Nathaniel held tighter to Zedd, trying his best to not be pushed away. "If I were the one crying right now, you wouldn't just leave me alone, because you're a good dad." He sniffled a bit, starting to grow upset as well. "You're way better than my actual parents were, s-so… you— y-you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, dad… I know you're trying really hard and you've done so much for me and I really, really appreciate it… me being so upset and unstable isn't your fault… I was like that when I came to you, and I'm sorry that you have to deal with it, but I think you're doing a really good job…"
"Bullshit. I let you make weapons without supervision for one. Here, it's not even remotely acceptable for you to be making them in general at this age. I didn't watch out for you that one time at the park, I continually scare you whenever I try and make you feel better, and when I manage to say something remotely right, it doesn't last. I've nearly let you get killed on my watch. And now this. You still wanna tell me I'm doing a good job?" he hissed, still trying to push Nathaniel away. As he did so, the angel's foot gently ran into the orange pill bottle on the ground. It gave a small rattling sound as it rolled an inch before stopping again.
Nathaniel whimpered quietly when Zedd pushed him away, jumping at the rattling sound. He hesitated before picking it up and examining it, but being unable to read, he didn't know what it was. "Y-Yes, I still want to tell you that you're doing a good job. My own parents sent me out to battles when I was only like, five. I could've easily died. I was forced to train for days in insane heat with very little food or water, which also could have killed me. You may think that you're doing poorly, but it's a hell of a lot better down here, dad." Nathaniel sighed shakily and looked down at the pills again.
(I- Wha- Uh- WHAT THE FRICK)
(my heart won't stop shattering)
(aHAHAHA THERE WERE HINTS THAT THIS WAS COMING TOO)
(Horf2kwbtkhjbhjw34rhouwrhuigr4g3yg5ilygyi5gkvhk4g je,bjwv. That's all I can say…)
Zedd let the magic fall immediately, forgetting the fact that Nathaniel didn't know how to read. "Don't open those…" he instructed, trying to keep his voice calm. For the time being, he was worried the angel would figure out to press the lid down based on the picture guide on the lid, not knowing what the medication names meant. He held out a hand patiently, hoping Nathaniel knew to hand over the pills. "You've been here a total of three days, Nathaniel… plus however long you were on the streets for. There's a reason why Earth isn't called Heaven instead. Down here we have poverty, murder, abusers…" Zedd stopped, not wanting to ruin Nathaniel's view of the world. There was plenty good still. "And, well, dads who don't know what they're doing," he added with a small laugh. "It really isn't all that great is my point," the man finished, bringing one of his wings forward so he could start smoothing his ruffled feathers.
"But it's worse up in heaven, dad!" Nathaniel insisted as he pressed the pills into Zedd's hand. "Please… you're not as bad as you think… you're really good! When everyone else ignored me when I was getting knocked around in the market, and when I got hit into the road, you helped! You got me out of both of those situations and you brought me home and started talking care of me even though you didn't have to! You easily could've just ignored me like everyone else, but you didn't, okay?"
(AhHhHHhHHHhHH STAP. YOU BETTER STAP)
The man took the bottle only to set it on the opposite side of him. Without warning, Zedd reached over and took Nathaniel into his arms. He held the boy close, chin resting lightly on the boy's left shoulder. It was a funny situation as the two sat in the middle of the bathroom floor in an embrace. Zedd was never one for contact, but it was clear that the angel had rubbed off on him. He began to run his fingers through Nathaniel's hair idly as he felt his breathing return to normal. "You know how you always blame yourself for things…?" he whispered quietly. "I have a different version of that. My brain wants me to think that I hate myself… It's really stupid, huh…?" he asked, not really caring if Nathaniel answered or not.
(did somebody say keep going-?)
Nathaniel nuzzled against Zedd affectionately when the man finally allowed him to hold onto him, trying his best to curl his wings around the two of them. He purred weakly at the petting and leaned into Zedd's gentle touch. "Y-Yeah, I get that… mine does that too, sometimes. Uhm…" He hesitated before picking up the bottle of pills to examine again. "What are these?" He asked tentatively. "They've got a bunch of real long words on them and I still dunno how to read, so… I haven't got the faintest clue."
(Zedd: hey son i have this thing called depression haha surprise?)
(Nathaniel: yooooooo i'm like 99% sure I have that too-)
Zedd froze. He knew the question was coming, but he desperately hoped Nathaniel wouldn't ask. "It's medication…" the man answered sadly. He pointed at the word escitalopram. "That's the name of the specific medicine. This kind… treats depression," he finished, feeling very uncomfortable. Zedd really hoped he wouldn't have to explain what depression was to the poor boy.
(Lmao)
(Also Zedd you better be prepared for that question-)
"Oh… what's depressin?" Nathaniel asked, sounding concerned. "Are you sick? Is that why you need the medicine?" He examined the container more closely to try and make sense of it. "How do you get depssion? Is it contagious?" His wings puffed up a bit as he grew more worried for Zedd. "Are you okay?"
Zedd nearly sighed in irritation. Of course. The exact thing he didn't want to happen… happened. The man thought a moment, really unsure how to explain what depression was, what a mental disorder was, and make it all phrased correctly as to not worry the poor angel even further. All while being incredibly worn out. Oh yes, this is exactly what he wanted to do so early in the morning.
"Ah… it's uh… no, it's not contagious, but… it's kind of like being sick?" he started. "It's when your brain can't feel as happy as other people might. It also usually makes it to where nothing you used to like seems fun anymore… um, you might feel tired almost constantly…? I don't know how to explain this very well to you, especially since I feel very tired-" Zedd caught his wording before continuing. "I mean sleepy. It's like… I dunno, four?"
