After a few moments, Zedd simply stopped and knelt down again. "Nathaniel. You didn't know. I want you to stop apologising. Once is enough. Yes, you put yourself in danger and scared the everloving shit out of me. But it's done, and you know what to do now. It's okay. Now, let's get home and maybe have some lunch, yeah?"
The man sounded a bit tired in all honesty, but he seemed relieved more than anything. Nothing bad had happened aside from a scrape or two.
And the fact that it was your fault in the first place.
Soon, the two reached the potion shop once again and Zedd seemed to feel a bit more at ease. They were home now, and he'd be able to cheer Nathaniel up somehow with everything they bought as well as something to eat. And quite possibly chocolate milk again. Wait, he had some this morning, and he couldn't have a lot of sugar. After climbing the stairs, Zedd opened the door and set the bags by the couch. "Have anything in mind that you like to eat?" he asked, already striding towards the kitchen. If Nathaniel said he didn't know again, he'd probably just make some sandwiches or something easy.
Nathaniel nodded weakly and rubbed at his teary eyes, his wings still curled around himself a bit. He hated that he'd scared Zedd so much, and that he'd ruined their fun day at the toy store. It was all his fault that everything was bad right now and he knew it. He didn't have much of an appetite, but Zedd wanted him to eat, and he knew that he probably should.
"Anything is fine, sir…" He whispered. He was scared right now, and he felt like he didn't deserve to call Zedd 'dad' after the shit he just pulled. He felt like he should be in trouble. He'd been bad, after all.
Zedd froze where he was. He knew as soon as Nathaniel called him "sir" again that things were far from okay from the small boy's point of view. "Nathaniel. We're okay. You had fun today, right? I'm not angry, okay…? We're okay… I haven't had you here very long, but I can tell you're blaming yourself still. It's okay. I'm here to help you while you're here, remember? You didn't know what to do. But… now we're home and you can set up all your new toys in your room if you want?" the man rambled. It honestly scared him ten times more that he had no idea what to do aside from attempt to say something comforting. "Please… don't feel bad anymore? It's… it's dad's fault too, Nathaniel…" he whispered, before coming into the living room beside the small angel. He embraced the boy again carefully.
"It's dad's fault too…"
Nathaniel hiccuped weakly a few times and wrapped his arms around Zedd, holding tightly to the man as he struggled to get himself to relax. "B-But I was bad, and— and you s-should be mad at me… you… y-you have every right to be…" He tightened his grip on Zedd, starting to tremble harder again. "It's not— y-your fault… it's m-mine… I… s-sure, I don't know anything about roads— a-and… I d-didn't know there was gonna— b-be a car there— b-but you couldn't have stopped me from doing that… I was too far away…" He practically collapsed into Zedd's arms, his knees growing too weak and shaky to support him. "It's my fault, and I'm s-sorry…"
"No, Nathaniel, you weren't bad. I'm supposed to keep an eye on you. I'm mostly upset at myself because I let you get too far without telling you anything. But it's okay. We're home and safe now," he whispered, gently stroking Nathaniel's wings. Feeling the boy begin to slip, he shifted to put him in his lap, sitting on the ground with the other held close in his arms. Zedd frowned as the angel continued to shake. "Not that I was mad before, but I'm going to say this so you understand that you aren't in trouble: I forgive you. Dad makes mistakes too," he whispered, doing what he could to try and get the shaking to stop.
Nathaniel sniffled weakly and nodded, clinging tighter to Zedd while he cried. He settled himself in the man's lap, his legs wrapped around the other's waist as he clutched at him. "I-I just… I d— d-didn't mean to scare you, or to make p-people mad at me, or to— to do any of that…" He sobbed. "And— I'm sorry— f-for all the trouble…" When Zedd started petting his wings, he seemed to relax a bit, but he was still very upset.
Zedd made quiet shushing noises as he continued to smooth the puffed up wings. He opened his mouth to speak, but then stopped. He considered the last statement carefully. Truthfully, Zedd had considered dropping Nathaniel at an orphanage or the foster care system as he initially thought a young child would have been way too much. But there was no nice way of saying that. He couldn't just say "you wouldn't be here if I thought you were too much to handle." There wasn't any chance that situation would end well.
"Nathaniel. You know how I feel about you. You're a good kid. You really are. I'm not mad, and nobody's mad at you. I won't say that being your dad is easy, because any parenting is hard. But, there is the fact that you make things a lot more enjoyable compared to any other kid."
"I'm not a good kid…" Nathaniel whispered weakly, biting his lip as he buried his face in Zedd's chest, still clinging to the man for dear life. "I-I've never been good enough… I….I wouldn't have gotten kicked out of my home if I was good enough for them, dad. I'm… I'm not good enough for you either… you deserve better than a useless, s-stupid kid like me…" He hiccuped a few times, starting to work himself up again. "J-Just a stupid kid who can't even do anything right, no matter how simple it is… battle training? Too sensitive. Anything around the house? Too short and too weak. Living on earth? I'm honestly just pathetic… I-I've been trained to kill people and I can't even keep myself alive without help… I'd be running into every road and getting hit by cars and starving on the streets and getting beat up by the mean people…"
Zedd couldn't take this anymore. "Nathaniel. Stop. You're not stupid or useless. I told you how I feel about you already. You're far too hard on yourself. It's not even been a week. Were you good at making blades after a few days? No. Were you prepared to fight in a few days? No. So stop expecting that you're supposed to understand everything in… not even three full days yet. Especially without help. I'm supposed to help you, but it's hard if you won't accept it," he argued. He hated seeing the boy break down like this so often. Zedd felt extremely underqualified, yes, but that didn't make Nathaniel any less good. He only wished he could make the young angel see that he was fine as is.
The keyword being wished as he was likely still doing a horrible job.
"I'm s-sorry…" Nathaniel buried his face in Zedd's shoulder and clung tightly to him, keeping his wings curled around himself. "I just… I don't like feeling like this, dad… it's scary…" He sighed shakily, melting into Zedd's gentle touch. "Why's this gotta happen to me all the time? I wanna feel happy and good… why's it so hard to just… not do this, you know?"
Zedd stared at the ground as Nathaniel cried into his shoulder. That was a question he wanted to ask as well. Why was it hard to fight for happiness? Why couldn't he do anything more to help?
Why was he doing such a bad job at this? Why couldn't he make at least one person happy? Why couldn't he be better in general? Why-
Zedd had to force away the downhill train of thought once again. Not right now. He'd handle it later when Nathaniel was already asleep. Even if he was still new at this whole parenting thing, he had to at least look strong.
"I know, Nathaniel. It'll get better. It takes time, but it will…"
I hope.
Nathaniel nodded weakly. "How… h-how long…?" He asked. "I… I don't… I d-don't wanna feel like this forever, dad… I'm so tired… I'm not even that old and I've just been like this for so long…" He tightly gripped the fabric of Zedd's shirt as he struggled to choke back his sobs. "I'm just so ungrateful for every good thing I have… you treat me so well, dad, and we haven't even known each other for long… I'm really lucky to have you…"
Zedd felt his heart swell at the final comment Nathaniel had made. He ran a hand gently over the boy’s wings again for a moment. “I don’t know. It won’t be forever, but I really don’t know,” he replied honestly. He wished he had the ability to cure depression somehow. Then again, if he could effect emotions in such a way, he would have chosen to be a happier person. Then again, the small angel in his arms was already helping with that.
Nathaniel sniffled a bit and rubbed at his teary eyes, still trembling in Zedd's arms. "O-Okay…" He whispered in reply. "I just wish it could be now…" He sighed softly and curled up a bit more in Zedd's lap, clearly growing tired from crying so much.
Zedd continued the comforting motions, whispering softly to the boy in his arms. "I know, Nathaniel. I know," he said gently. "We should get you some water in a minute. You're gonna dehydrate if you overwork yourself too much," the man thought out loud. With all the tears from the past few days, Zedd was quite surprised the angel hadn't started feeling unwell due the crying slowly dehydrating him.
"Mmkay, dad… if you say so…" Nathaniel whispered weakly in reply. Honestly, he'd gotten so used to being dehydrated during his time on the streets and during long days of training that he hardly noticed it anymore. The first while was absolutely awful. He'd felt terrible for so long. But then, his body started adjusting, and now he was just drained of energy most of the time.
Once he was sure that Nathaniel had mostly calmed down, the man lifted Nathaniel up off the floor, still holding him. He stepped into the kitchen only to set the boy down gently on the cool countertop. Zedd then turned to grab a cup from the cabinets and fill it with cool water. When it was mostly full, he turned and gave it to the angel who didn't have to wait all too long.
"Thanks…" Nathaniel closed his eyes and started sipping idly at the water, seeming to be pretty drained from crying so much. "Sorry for causing all this trouble, dad… I know you'll tell me not to apologize or whatever, but I still feel bad and I want you to know that I'm really, truly sorry about what I did, even if it was inadvertent. Y-You can punish me if you'd like… uhm… not that it's really up to me, of course, but… I deserve it…"
At that moment, Zedd wanted to slam his head into the wall. Damn it, again with the punishment thing. "Nathaniel, I'm not going to punish you," he sighed tiredly. "A single sorry is fine if you think you need to say it. I accepted your apology already. After that, it's done. Don't worry about it," he explained bluntly. "That goes for the future too. One sorry and then it's done. I'm not angry or upset with you," Zedd finally finished. "Am I clear?"
Nathaniel looked up at Zedd weakly, wincing a bit at his tone and clearly struggling to hold back another apology. "Okay…" He finished his water and held up his arms to Zedd again to silently request to be carried. He was too tired to walk around right now and he honestly just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up for a really long time.
Of course, Zedd complied, gently lifting Nathaniel into his arms. "Why don't we get you into some pajamas and get you to bed, hm?" the man asked rhetorically. He moved out of the kitchen and into the spare room that was supposed to have been Nathaniel's. Zedd set the angel down on the bed while he took out the first set of pajamas he found. They were a pale blue set with 3 little white buttons on the shirt collar. Setting the clothes beside Nathaniel, he turned around so the boy could change.
Nathaniel did as he was told, tiredly changing into his pajamas and then standing beside Zedd to ask to be carried again. He clearly wasn't really in the mood for talking, at the moment. Only being held close and going to sleep when he had the opportunity to do so. "G'night…" He mumbled softly, yawning a bit as he closed his eyes.
Zedd noticed Nathaniel move beside him, and had to quickly catch the angel before he fell over from exhaustion. The man carried the boy into his own bedroom and tucked him in before changing his own clothes. The cool air of the evening made him shiver as he got dressed. Looking over his shoulder, he watched the young boy a moment. It seemed he wasn't fully able to relax again without someone else being beside him. Rubbing at his eyes, Zedd carefully climbed into bed behind him. He felt so tired from the events of the day that he crashed almost immediately.
Nathaniel huddled up in Zedd's arms as he slept, purring weakly. He was still dead asleep when Zedd awoke, completely limp and still other than the steady rise and fall of his small chest. Even his wings, which usually fluttered idly in his sleep, were still as they rested on the sheets behind Nathaniel. He was just completely exhausted from everything and he seemed like he'd be asleep for a while unless he were disturbed.
It was actually fairly early in the morning. Zedd had awoken to the dark whispers of his mind he had sworn he had pushed down. He had practically heard Nathaniel screaming and crying in his dreams. No. Not dreams.
Nightmares.
When was the last time he had one of those…? Pulling himself out of bed, he rested his head in his hands. He took a deep breath before standing up. He cast a glance behind him to be sure Nathaniel was still sleeping soundly. Satisfied that he hadn't woken the small boy, the man slipped out of the room. The tile was cold under his feet as Zedd padded into the bathroom. He reached into the cabinet behind the mirror to the tallest shelf. His fingers found the small orange bottle with the white screw-on cap. Closing the bathroom door, Zedd sat against the door, tossing the familiar prescription between each hand. Of course he hadn't remembered to take it. There was so much going on in the past few days that he hadn't even remembered to take care of himself. The man's tired eyes watched as the pills continued to clatter around in their container.
The angel had been shivering in the corner of the empty room, afraid. His arms had been raised defensively, wings puffed out and wrapped around himself. The boy's defense was directed to him. And he had only been standing there. Nathaniel was scared of him. He was screaming despite being so worked up from crying. The angel's words were hard to understand, but there was one thing that was clear. The boy saw him as everything he had been trying to avoid being. He couldn't do this. Nothing he did was ever right.
He willingly let Nathaniel make knives despite him being incredibly too young
He had let Nathaniel hurt himself after getting him the means to do so.
He had nearly let Nathaniel get killed just hours ago.
Not only that, but the boy had still beaten himself up about it after.
There was so many times when Nathaniel had been crying and he had no idea what to say
The more he thought about it… the only time he had made Nathaniel happy was when he had bought him something. He never really did anything himself. He was just that inexperienced that he had already ruined everything in a mere three days.
Zedd let the pill bottle roll out of his palm, hands returning to his face. He couldn't make anyone happy. Not even himself. Stars, he wanted to slam his head into the wall.
But he didn't.
Instead, Zeddicus shook, sobbing quietly to himself for the first time in months.
