forum A Thousand Cranes // Rated PG-15 // Eris

Started November 30, 2018 by Deleted user

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{Me!}

{Dom my dear, I like these ones and will do as I please.}

{Genuinely is your n key okay}

{Oh okay lol}

I slept horribly, disturbing dreams with changing faces in wrong contexts filling my head and waking me up every other hour.

This

_{(Eris? Isn't that the same update as the most recent one you did a few pages back?)}

I'm through my homework and I feel cooped up in my bedroom. I'd like to go to the library, but I can hear Declan playing the piano and that means I'd have to pass him first.

Frowning, I berate myself. There is absolutely no reason to act like this.

Clenching my teeth, I go downstairs.

Declan has made a lot of progress on the song. The notes flow easily, and I find I am slowing my steps as I near the piano, just to listen to the music. I would have loved to play with someone as talented as him. Well, if I ever played for the public that is.

So, never.

When he stops to replay the last bit, I walk past him with lowered head and slip into the library. I could feel his curious gaze on me the entire time, even going as far to raise his hand in a wave. I close the door behind me with a soft click, exhaling in relief as I hear the piano sounds pick up again. Although, the tinkling notes that drift through the door are not Chopin’s, not any song I recognize actually. But they are beautiful.

I press my forehead against the door, listening and lulled by the new song. It’s soft, lovely, yet pulls the emotion of sorrow and loneliness deep from my heart. I can imagine exactly where my violin would fit in perfect sync within the trills and deep thrums that emerge from the piano.

I’m softly humming the harmony when Declan’s playing stutters. I hadn’t noticed that my eyes had closed and snap them open as the stuttering continues until—I jump. Declan had pressed on a multitude of keys at once, releasing an angry thrum! He sighs heavily before returning to Chopin.

I turn away, grabbing one of the astronomy books I’ve been eyeing. The spell has been broken and somehow, I feel more adrift than I had before.

I can't concentrate on my reading. Instead, I listen to Declan play until he stops. The song is distracting. It reminds me of better days, of the time when my mother was still kind and forthcoming. When she would pull me into bed with her and wrap her arms around me.

Things changed when Peter came. Things started to be my fault and as far as I know, they were always right.

I sigh and shake my head to get rid of the memory. They seem to come up more often lately, especially at night. I wake up in terror, afraid that my stay at the James abode has been a dream and I'm back in Los Angeles, fighting for my life as strong hands constrict around my throat.

A soft knock on the door pulls me from my thoughts. I sit up straighter in the window seat and watch as the door opens to reveal Declan. "I have that playlist for you." He says so softly I can barely hear him on the other side of the room. "Can I come in?"

Why could he not? It's not like I have any say over this place. I nod.

Nerves explode, however, as he steps further into the room and closes the door behind him. He walks to the plush couch and places his laptop on the table between us, before sitting with a heavy sigh.

I wait, tense, watching him with growing curiosity. He isn’t speaking, or even looking at me. He's quiet for a long time, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and looking at the floor.

Finally, he sits up, gazing at me with a directness that is startling. "Did I do something wrong?"

I blink at his question as it catches me off guard. I'm surprised he has been so quick to notice my changed demeanor around him. I wasn’t exactly subtle, but my skittishness could have been directed at a number of things.

"Because I didn't mean to," He continues. "I just feel like I did something to upset you."

I shake my head uncertainly.

"Then what is it?" He presses softly. "Because I thought we were getting along okay? Was—was it the hand holding? I was really surprised too, but you needed it so much… I honestly thought I was helping." His insecurity radiates off him and the look in his eyes is almost pleading.

All of a sudden, it feels so stupid to have thought he would change. But that still doesn't answer the question why he is so nice to me. I need to solve this. Suck it up and get it over with. Hell, I was never afraid to trigger William when I could feel the tension building up. The sooner he relieved it on me, the better.

So why am I so reluctant now?

You're afraid of disappointment. A voice in the back of my head whispers, and my shoulders sag when I realize it's the truth. I enjoy Declan’s presence. I enjoy being his friend. To lose that would be—

I have to look away from him, but I can’t. My brain stutters on that thought and I’m trapped in his blue gaze. To lose this odd, fragile friendship I have with Declan would be painful. So painful that I can’t comprehend why my heart feels like it’s being constricted right now.

"Will you talk to me? Yesterday was okay, in Biology, right? Even though you almost panicked? I didn't tell Auntie about that, just so you know." He's still looking at me, hurt written all over his features. I swallow as the tension in my body builds.

Finally, I break away from his gaze and I focus on my hands, fidgeting in my lap.

"Hey," He says softly, his hands twitch as if he wants to reach for me but holds himself back. "If you want me to go, I'll go, but I'd really like to know what I did wrong. So, I can be more careful the next time, you know? I—I don’t want to hurt you, Cassia."

His kindness, his sincerity… It's uncanny. Scary.

For some weird reason, a lump comes to my throat. He is so nice to me, and I'm affected by it. Much more so than I'd like to admit.

When he moves, my eyes dart back to his form on the couch, to see that he is pulling his phone from his back pocket. He fiddles with it, then offers it to me. "Please," He says and again his voice is so soft. "Talk to me."

Reluctantly, I reach out and accept the phone, avoiding touching his skin. When I look at the screen, I see he has started the notes application. He wants me to write something down.

However, I don't know what to say. It's weird how my mind is trying to warn me, trying to raise my guard to push Declan away, to protect myself and to keep my distance, when my body is telling me a different story. Now he's around me, my fears seem silly almost. He’s so warm, honestly the room seems brighter since he walked in. It seems I'm just as relaxed around Declan as I am Emmy. The nerves I felt earlier are completely gone.

I don’t know what to do with this information.

"Just spit it out," He says not unkindly. His lips quirk up in a little smile. "I won't get mad, I promise."

Taking a deep breath, I decide this moment will work as well as any other moment in time to confront him. Too bad though the door of the library is closed. Then again, it will always remain the question if someone would come to my aid should things turn bad.

Best to not let my thoughts linger on that.

I type.

Why are you so kind to me?

I give the phone back to him and this time it seems as if he is careful to avoid physical contact as well. I'm not sure if he doesn't want to touch me, or if he is respecting my wish to be left alone like that.

He reads the text on the screen and his brows pucker as his entire face seems to furrow in confusion. "Why would I not be nice to you?" The question asked slowly, as if he doesn’t quite understand why being nice is a bad thing.

He obviously doesn't understand. And I know I won't be able to clarify. I sigh, frustrated. I shouldn't have tried this to begin with.

Declan is not giving up however, and he holds out his phone for me once more. "Please, explain?"

Taking the phone, I think for a long moment. Declan sits still, a look of patience clear on his face. For a moment, I recognize Emmy in him.

I think there's only one way to deal with this. I've to be quite literal with him if I want to sort this out.

What do you want in return?

I look at the screen for a long time before I have the guts to show it to him. Tentatively, he accepts the phone back from me and as he reads, a hand goes to his hair, tangling his fingers in it as his eyes stay focused on the words on the screen.

My heart is nearly crashing out of my chest as the silence stretches between us. Finally, he looks up and I startle visibly as he meets my gaze. The look he is giving me is so intense, as if he is struggling to keep all his emotions tucked inside him. If he lets go for a moment, he may explode.

"I'm not even sure I know what you mean." He says. Why is his voice so hoarse? "I don't expect anything, Cassia. I just want to be nice to you, just like you've been nice to me. Maybe I've been very wrong in my perception, but I thought you liked our impromptu meetings too."

I swallow heavily, audibly.

He likes them, too.

He doesn’t expect anything.

Not a thing.

Except….my happiness?

What?

I don’t know how to process this. No one ever just expected me to be happy about anything before. No one has ever wanted nothing from me before. A part of me doesn’t believe him. Scoffs at his apparent sincerity, but—but—that part of me that has been filling with hope, with light since I walked through the James’ front door, clings to this saving grace.

I’m so relieved that I could pass out from the lack of anxiety. What a concept.

He doesn’t want anything in return.

"I don't expect anything back. Did I do something to make you think otherwise?" There’s a note of pleading in his eyes now, of pain. I can’t look away, but it makes my heart twinge yet again.

I shake my head, trying to process his words in the chaos of my mind. He's not mad. He's confused. He's trying his best to choose the right words and all the while I can tell he's insecure and sincere.

I know sincerity. Not that I've seen much of it before, but I know when somebody is lying. As such, I know when somebody is honest, too.

Declan is being honest right now. Achingly so.

"I can stop seeking you out, if that's what you want." He says after a long moment of silence, although his tone suggests that he really would not like that. I'm shaking my head and before I realize what I'm doing, I have reached forward to gently take his hand. I squeeze gently and warmth surges through me as his fingers tighten around mine. I don't want to lose the contact I have with Declan.

Even if he's a man. Even if I don't know what will happen later because there is something there, something that makes me want to spend time around him if he'll let me.

Careful, Cassia…

He sighs deeply, but it's more in a way of relieving tension than to show exasperation. "I guess you can't tell me why you are so distrusting, huh?" He states, arching a dark brow. His words sound light, but there's a world of meaning behind them.

When he meets my gaze again, I shake my head minutely as I squeeze his hand once more. I'm breathing slowly forcing out all the tension that built up in me during this conversation, and my heart rate picks up once more at Declan's subtle referral to my past.

"I told you before, I don't see you any differently now I know some more about you. And I don't expect anything in return for my being nice to you. That’s for certain, Cass. I–" He clears his throat a little, glancing down at our bound fingers. “I like being nice to you.”

I just look at him, unable to complete a thought anymore. How do I compute this? He likes it?

What?

He looks back at me for a moment before he looks away and chuckles, shaking his head in what I can only perceive as a look of disbelief. "You are– Know what?" He says then, "Why don’t we text? Send me some words when you feel like it. Will that work?"

Well, no, probably not. I shrug to let him know it wouldn't really matter, but he looks at his phone and is pushing buttons right away.

My phone buzzes in my pocket. What did he send me that he couldn’t convey right to my face? We’re talking aren’t we? Is this normal texting behavior?

I’m so lost, that it takes me a moment to realize that he is looking at me expectantly. Oh. Blushing, I look down and away to the pocket that is buzzing again. Duh. I go to release Declan’s hand, but he tightens his fingers for a moment, pulling my gaze back up to him in surprise. He’s giving me another one of his unreadable looks. His brows slightly furrowed, but his eyes alight with something like mischief.

Charming.

My entire face is burning now, but I haven’t the faintest idea why. He finally lets my hand go with a soft sigh chuckle. That same hand dives into my sweater pocket to pull out my phone. I gaze down at the screen curiously.

A smiley face?

Declan is giving me his half grin when I look back at him, dubious.

A beat. "See? Pretty easy huh?"

I blink at him. Do I see a tinge of red in his face? Is he actually blushing?

I nod however, to answer his question. Did he really think I was going to go along with this? On the other hand, I'm a complete techtard and I won't be surprised if that hadn't gone unnoticed.

"So, are you going to respond?" A hint of that insecurity again, but he’s covering it with his grin.

As on the one hand I can't help but wonder, why?, on the other hand I find I'm thinking, why not? We’re friends and friends….chat.

Gah.

I stare intently at my phone and Declan stares intently at me. Fine. Fine. I can’t resist. Not sure what to say in response to a smiley, I simply send one back. Honestly, if his messages bother me I can just ignore them, can I not?

Right?

Right.

When I look back up at Declan his smile as grown impossibly wider and he is stuffing his phone back in his pocket, all self-satisfaction. As if he had just solved the worlds greatest puzzle. He stands, extending a hand out to me. "I'm hungry. Want to go and get a snack or something?"

I check my watch and see it's already four o'clock. As per my four meals a day diet, I might as well get something to eat.

But I don't want to eat around Declan.

Why am I like this?

Seeing my hesitation, his smile wavers as he speaks. "Or you can eat later. Just join me now? To keep me company?"

It’s almost too easy to give into his suggestion. Despite my incessant worrying, saying no to him just isn’t something I can bring myself to do. Mostly, and to my great surprise, because I’d rather be around him than alone. I'll just have to brace myself for when this ends, I think. Doesn't mean I can't indulge now.

I can eat after him. No problem.

Hm, this eating thing might become a problem when I go to school, come to think of it. It's a small school as I saw yesterday, and it will be hard to seek out to a place where I can be without a million people staring at me while I try to eat.

Also, I still don't know how the James kids will react to me being in the school. Teenagers act differently around their friends, especially in a high stress environment.

Declan acknowledged me easily however, which was nice. Now that this is out of the way, I'm less nervous about being with him in Biology again. That is, if he still wants to sit with me Monday. I—I would certainly enjoy sitting with him again.

Maybe I should ask him that before school starts. I like to have clarity on these things. Maybe it’ll give me some clarity on whatever the hell my heart seems to do whenever I’m around him.

Sighing without a sound, I mentally curse myself. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I'm all over the place emotionally and where I was simply confused before, the world has started to make less and less sense to me altogether.

Nothing here is going as I expected.

And to be honest, that shoe is taking an awful long time to drop indeed.

But maybe—there isn’t a shoe?

Maybe.

_{(Eris? Isn't that the same update as the most recent one you did a few pages back?)}

_{{I thought the same thing but I didn't want to say anything–}}