"You were a baby, Nathaniel, you can't blame yourself!" Ilya wiped away the tears, still rubbing his back. "The person who sent you out there is the one who did this, not you. The people you were fighting killed him, not you. I know it's hard to see family go, but there was nothing you could've done because it wasn't your fault!""
Nathaniel clung tightly to Ilya, sobbing quietly. "B-But I could've done something… I… I just got so scared, seeing all those people running towards me… It's different than training. These people wanted me dead… I physically couldn't move… I can still remember the deep pit of terror in my stomach…"
(gotta love a character with survivors guilt)
"You were eight and tiny and terrified, there was nothing for you to do." Ilya continued to wipe his tears and hold him close, offering physical comfort when his words weren't enough. "It's fine to be scared as a kid! It's natural! Nobody should've forced you onto a battlefield when you were clearly too young and expected things to turn out well."
(Yeah lol)
"Lloyd was only fifteen…" Nathaniel gripped the fabric of Ilya's shirt, shaking. "H-He was only fifteen when he gave his life for my sake. He was far too young to die…" He sobbed softly.
"And you were too." Ilya put a hand on the back of Nathaniel's neck, holding him close and swaying softly. "You were both too young. It wasn't something a kid should have to go through."
Nathaniel hiccuped and held tightly to Ilya. Even with the pain medicine, he was in quite a bit of pain. He ignored it for now, clearly really needing the closeness of another person.
Ilya kept him close, letting Nathaniel cling to him as he petted his hair and rubbed his back. "How are you feeling?" he asked, voice soft and soothing. "Do you want to move somewhere else? Maybe lay down?"
"It hurts…" Was all he said. His grip on Ilya was pretty weak right now, because it hurt a lot to hold on any tighter than that.
Ilya frowned, planting a hand on the back of his neck and drawing out some of the pain. He took on more than he had last time, hissing quietly as his ribs snapped. "How about now? Feel a little better?"
"Yeah, but you're hurting yourself… I don't want you to have to take that burden from me." Nathaniel hugged him gently, not wanting to hurt him.
(And now because of Lloyd, he doesn't like to burden people with his problems and has attachment issues Yaaaay)
(fuuuuuunnn)
"I want to. You need to heal here," Ilya pressed his hand over Nathaniel's forehead, "just as much as you need to heal here." His hand ghosted over Nathaniel's ribs. "I can make that easier for you."
"Oh, my skull is only cracked. My ribs are actually broken." Nathaniel said, not seeming to fully understand.
Ilya laughed, breaking off into a subdued coughing fit as his ribs protested. "I meant you need to heal mentally, silly. Psychological wounds scar just as badly as physical ones and it's clear you can only deal with one at a time."
"Oh… what do you mean? I think I'm okay mentally…" Nathaniel watched Ilya with a bit of concern, not wanting the fairy to hurt himself.
( w h e e z e "I think I'm okay mentally" that's hilarious)
(Lmao, I think I'm dying)
Ilya laughed even harder, setting off a worse coughing fit. A few strained giggles worked their way through. "Lying is a bad look Nathaniel. You just broke down crying at a bad memory, you clearly have some issues to resolve."
Nathaniel looked away, feeling guilty. "I wasn't trying to lie… I… I thought I was okay… is the whole 'childhood trauma' thing not normal?"
Ilya sighed, lightly tapping Nathaniel's shoulder. "Hey, I'm sorry." His voice was as soft as silk. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad. And, no. Most kids grow up happy and safe and provided for. Trauma isn't normal."
"Oh…" Nathaniel fell silent and eventually just huddled against Ilya again. He didn't speak for a bit. "How am I supposed to get over it?"
Ilya hummed quietly. "Well, it's… a process. First you address the problem, and then you try to figure out what's fact and what's emotion, and then you learn how to cope." He shrugged. "Talking about it can help sometimes. That's what I liked to do when I was recovering."
"I think I might've already talked about it… am I supposed to talk more?" Nathaniel let his wings hang loosely on his back and closed his eyes.
"Well, you can. There's not really any 'supposed to's when you're dealing with this kind of stuff." Ilya shrugged, pulling Nathaniel close to cuddle him. "But, for me, talking was a way to sort out what was real and what wasn't. It helped me get some distance from what happened and that was what I needed. It might be helpful to you, but if it isn't you don't have to do it."
Nathaniel nodded and tucked his head under Ilya's chin, keeping his eyes closed. After a while his breathing evened out, and it became apparent that he'd dozed off.
Ilya turned him over carefully until Nathaniel's back was pressed comfortably against his chest. After a few minutes, he pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead and quietly got off the couch. Time to search the attic for that musty old spellbook.
Nathaniel stayed asleep on the couch while Ilya searched in the attic. He curled into a ball to get comfortable.