forum Would love to critique characters!! :D
Started by @CinnamonRoll
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@3abbie3 Premium Supporter

Could you critique these characters?

@CinnamonRoll

Hi @3abbie3!! I'd love to~~ I'll start with Alexei. Top down…

I like his personality–it's obviously well thought-out. However, he seems kind of like a 2D character right now. Where's his soft side? Hasn't he ever had a friend or lover that he's respected? What about his parents? Cold, stoic characters are great, but remember that they're still people!! They've got things that can make them laugh and cry and yell. Make sure to put all of these levels into his character to make him more dimensional!!

I like how he's conservative–they're so rare in writing!!

Okay. In the backstory, you explained why he likes and dislikes what he does, but you didn't say anything else. Again, it's just sort of flat. Tell me about how he grew up!! Any major events? What were his parents like? I'm glad you have everything rooted, and I would keep that, but give it some fluff!!

I'll overall at the end here, so–Lucifer!! Top down…

Hey, her personality is awesome!! The only thing that I would do here is the same as the previous: soft side!! You've got a good start with her talents and hobbies, but I would just urge you to add a touch more. For example, you mention that she gives great advice–is she empathetic? Emotional? Does she cry over romantic movies? This is more of a nit-pick since you've got everything down so well, but I think that it would help!! :3

NICE backstory!! I love how the devil is actually a sweetie :) I think you hit everything, except for one thing. You mention how she despises people who base their lives on hate and discrimination, which is fine, but her entire backstory stems from her own hate in the form of jealousy. This can definitely work, and I actually like it, but you need a touch more support for it.

(Also, are the two I just did in the same universe? Hmm. If so, maybe add some more explainer, because when I look at them it makes no sense).

Next!! Nyarlathotep (lmao I copy-pasted that)–top down…

Okay, um, maybe give this boi a nickname? I'm not even gonna try pronouncing that, and I don't want to.

I like his personality, but (ayy) it's the same thing! This time, though, I would give his talents and hobbies some more love. As soon as you said "He's a dad," I got REALLY excited, but I would go more into dad-like talents and hobbies. Other than that, everything here seems to flow pretty smoothly. Also, what's an outer god?

All right. I can understand the no religion thing–as a god, why would he worship? However, I would still urge you to include political inclinations!! Just what you've been doing with the other characters seems fine.

Oh. Um… More backstory please? Keep what you have, but you definitely need more. A large amount of his personality revolves around his being a father–why aren't his children in his backstory? This is where you could explain my earlier question–what is an outer god?

Finally!! Yaweh–top down (one day I'll stop saying this)…

Note: I really like how all the gods are Middle Eastern. It makes me happy :3 you don't see that much

Hmm. Okay, this one is hard to critique because he's basically god. However, I'm just gonna critique as I would a person and you can take or discard as much as you'd like. First off, give him more physical tics!! What you currently have as mannerisms would actually fit much better under personality type. Next, prejudices. Even though he's technically god, I think that he would have some base-line prejudices. For example, he did throw Lucifer out of heaven. Does he have a prejudice against people who are overly ambitious? People who are jealous? Heck, does he dislike atheists? Probably not, but I still think that he deserves some prejudices. Other than that, looks good!

Religion: himself. Um, ME. (hah) Okay, but again, I would recommend putting politics. It sounds silly, because he's god, but I think that that makes it even more important. See, lots of people see god in different ways–for example, "God hates gay people!" versus "God accepts everyone." I think you should specify which viewpoint you're using here. :3

OH DEAR. I just checked notes–what you have there is perfect!! I say 'oh dear' because all of my backstory critiques are now obsolete. Sorry!! But hey, what you have as notes can easily become backstory. :)

Overall, I really love the premise here!! It's a cool take on something classic. :) Give their personalities a little love and you should be all good!! Sorry that this took me so long!!

I hope that this helps you!! :DDD

@CinnamonRoll

Aww thank you!! Let's see him. Top down…

(Oh, and sorry for such a late response!!)

I think the thing that jumps out at me most here is his flaws. They're good, but they directly clash with his motivations. You mention that his family is a huge priority in his life, but then say that he is selfish. This is a massive inconsistency. Both of these traits work, but not in conjunction. Of course, you could add some explainers: maybe he's selfless around close friends and family and selfish around people he doesn't know as well, or something along those lines. I did notice the ~mostly~ when mentioning his family–I think that this was meant to be a bit of explainer. However, you still need a lot more! Also, I notice your (?) under talents, and I would agree–you need more!! It doesn't even have to be stuff that he likes. I kind of like it when a character is a fast runner but hates to exercise, or is an amazing artist but thinks that the arts are lame.

Now, I do have a major note here. I like his personality and focus on knowledge, but here's the thing. I happen to have a similar character–she's selfish and scientific-minded. She's also a villain. The problem I have with Bela is that he doesn't give off that 'protagonist' vibe. I'm getting mixed signals here, because his personality screams 'potential villain,' but his title is 'main character.' It's fine (seriously, I don't hate it), but I think he deserves a few ~soft~ traits. :3

Note: I would recommend rating your character on a scale of liberal-ness under politics. How accepting is he?

Nice job on the backstory!! I love the premise of the universe. :) All that I would urge you to do is root things like flaws more deeply. I'd like to know why he's so selfish. From my experience, small country towns breed the nicest people–tell me why this didn't happen to him!

Overall? A very well-developed character!! I'm impressed at the amount of thought that went into your universe. Just smooth out some traits and you should be all good!!

I hope that this helps you!! :DDD

@[email protected]

These are my main characters. Eildia and Aidlie. :)
This is my first ever time trying to write a story so some tips would be VERY appreciated! THANKS!!

@[email protected]

These are my main characters. Eildia and Aidlie. :)
This is my first ever time trying to write a story so some tips would be VERY appreciated! THANKS!!

Also, here's the universe of my story.

@AloeVera groupMentallyImInACottage

Heyo! I'm back, and I think I've built up three more characters enough to be critiqued! I have a couple notes on each of them, which might explain why I've been so hesitant to have them be critiqued, but I hope it doesn't interfere too much with critiquing :) Alright, here are more of my children!

-Jean: (Note, I've decided to throw out Jean's original backstory, so his current role, backstory, etc. is undecided and may be empty, but I'd still appreciate a critique on his personality!) Christian Jean White

-Kaiholo: (Note: this boi,,,,oh man,,,he's quite complex in that I want to write him as a fourth-wall breaker,,sort of. I want his story to indicate that he's aware of the fictionality and even of the author, if possible, and it might seem weird and complex but like,,it makes sense in my head wheEZE) Kaiholo

-Kireina: (Note: Kireina and another character, Yuki's sister, are background characters. They don't have much of a current story because they're not inthe story. All you hear about these two are from Yuki's memories, but I'd still like them to be as complex as my main character :) )

@CinnamonRoll

Oh, wow, I'm behind! Let me see if I can catch up here. I'll start with @3abbie3's latest…

Okay, top down…

I have to say, motivations confuse me. I understand that her anxiety can be a driving force in her life, but I think that you need a motivation that she can choose. You can't choose to have anxiety and/or depression. Try to make her motivated by something that she can choose and thus can attain. That's another note–make her motivation a goal! You have a couple, but these feel like afterthoughts to me (forgive me if I'm wrong). Give her a more complex motive–after all, she is the protagonist!!

I'm glad that you have actual flaws!! When writing anxious and/or depressed characters, it's far too easy to get caught into the shallow 'their flaws are their mental issues' thing. Good job here! :)

Prejudices and personality type are awesome!! I can relate to her personality WAY too much :D

I love the notes section! I'm seeing a lot of depth ;P

However–the backstory! I have a couple concerns with this. One, it's really short!! I want more of an explainer. Tell me why she dislikes the far right so much, how she grew up, how she was chosen to be awakened by Nyarlathotep (copy-paste is a GIFT). Two, we now have ADHD thrown into the mix. PCOS is more medical than mental, so if I discount that, I count 3 illnesses here, all of them mental. While I think that each one can be great for a character and all three together are entirely possible, I have to caution you against it. There's something about loading a character with mental illnesses that adds a dark connotation to your story. The problem you face with this connotation is that the story feels too present-day, real-world-y. I didn't even realize that you were the author with Yahweh and the others until I hit the notes section. When you put in that much, on paper, it reads more like a coming-of-age than a (fantasy? scifi? I'd say a sort of fantasy).

And I'm not saying don't do it, I swear!! I'm just saying think about it. :)

Also, maybe you wanted to blend your fantasy with her coming-of-age story. If that's the case, then keep it.

Overall? A strong character. Everything that I saw flowed nicely. I'd really just work on her motives and a few personality points to make her into a main character that we can love. :)

I hope that this helps you!! :DDD

@CinnamonRoll

Moving on to @[email protected]! Starting with Eildia, top down…

Note: race 'white' and skin tone 'white' aren't really helping me. Also, it kind of sounds bad. I try to refer to my 'white' characters as Caucasian or European and my 'black' characters as African (or, in both cases, specific countries when I can). At least tell me more about the skintone. Is she super pale? Milky white? Slightly blushed and pink? Lightly tanned?

Okay. So you've got the bare bones here, but that's it. You definitely need more on this personality page!! My first tip: fill out all of the fields. They're there for a reason. Especially prejudices and flaws. (Yes, you have flaws filled out, but I wouldn't really call what you have there 'flaws,' per say). Then, add more hobbies/talents than fighting and training. These fields exist to make your character more relatable and human, but right now they're making her less human.

DEFINITELY need more backstory here. This doesn't explain her personality. As of now, you might not have enough to explain (generally motivations and prejudices are what you want to root most strongly), but when you have enough, put it down!!

Overall? She's got a good foundation–just give her some love!! :) I'll come back for your other character later–class is starting soon, sorry!

I hope that this helps you!! :DDD

@sgadanwrites

Read the notes, they're usually important! These bios contain references to British culture. If you have any questions just ask me!

On the symbolism of the names:
Iain has a pretentiously long name- Iain Fionnlagh Lachlann Somerhairle Mac Domhnaill (Mac Donald). It's long, for one, because he has such a heavy burden to bear (more on that.) Fionnlagh (or Finlay) means "fair hero", referencing his white hair, Lachlann was a name used to refer to Norway in classic literature (loch + lann) since he has Viking ancestors and is part Norwegian. Somerhairle, or Somerled, means "summer wanderer" in Old Norse- the same name as his Celtic/Viking ancestor, and a reference to his never-ending "wandering."

Ciarán's middle name is Aodh. Aodh is a name that's been passed down in his family but has some special pride to it since he's from Donegal and is directly related to Aodh Ruadh. "Aodh" means "fire," directly correlating to his enthusiastic nature, while passing on the legacy of living, and dying, a rebel.

Calum's real name is Donal Malcolm Alasdair Roy MacKenzie. "Donal" is just an Anglicised version of Domhnall/Dòmhnall, "world-ruler." In the U.S. this name is usually Anglicised as "Donald" but not here though. His mother sensed he was meant to conquer the world. Malcolm is where his nickname "Calum" is derived from. The actual meaning of Irish or Scottish Gaelic "Colm/Colm Cille" is a dove or interestingly, scar. "Mael Colm," or "Malcolm," means "follower of Colm Cille" (St. Columba.) This could be interpreted as "follower of the dove" or "follower of the scar." Calum is deeply scarred, both inside and out, but never stops looking for internal peace.

Fiona is the feminine of Fionn ("fair"). She's stunningly beautiful. Her middle name, Meabh, is the modern Irish version of classic "Maeve," meaning "she who intoxicates." Maeve was a legendary queen of Connacht in the Tain Bo Cuailgne. Fiona is intoxicating (due to the love spell/curse) and is a queen in her own right.

Eithne, or Enya, means "seed or kernel." Eithne has so much potential to heal and make things grow.

Leif's real name is Leif Guðmundur Eriksson. Leif Eriksson. For those Americans and Canadians out there, you probably pronounced it as LEAF, but in Scandinavia, it's pronounced LAY-f. Leif's a very classic Old Norse name and is fairly rare, derived from "heir" or descendant. Leif's mother knew he was the son of a king (Odin) and that he was born to be an adventurer, honouring the legacy of Leif Eriksson (I).

Aksel- pays homage to legendary Norwegian skier Aksel Lund Svindal. Tor- Well, you know…

Colin's middle name is Diarmuid as a nod to his and Fiona's mythical ancestor, Diarmuid Ua Duibhne, the supposed progenitor of Clan Campbell.

As for Will… his last name is Wallace.

Calum: AUG A3 M1/Lochaber Axe
Glock 9mm

Weapons:
Iain:
4 throwing knives (distractions only)
Knife
Sgian dubh
Swiss Army Knife
Gae Bolg (more on that later)

Ciarán:
AK-47
Hand grenade
Shillelagh
Hurley (more on that)

Cathal:
War sycthe/SP5K
Beretta M9A1

Go raibh mile maith agat and tapadh leat for reading my obnoxiously long post!

@Crisis

Can you do my trio of heroes?

I've just started getting them fleshed out and I want all the advice I can get. Thank you!