Hi y'all–I'm CinnamonRoll! I like to think I'm not half bad at critiquing characters. I've noticed that these 'I will critique' things have become popular, so I figured I would make one! If you'd like to post characters, I'd be happy to critique :)
And, hey, if you want opinions on story snippets or ideas or anything else, I'd be happy to help! :DD
This character is still in development so I would appreciate as much help as I can get. He'll be a main character so I need to make him good.
Sounds good!! In the classic fashion, top down…
Just a note: I would recommend defining his age more exactly. It's helpful to know how old he is to be able to more accurately gauge his emotional reactions.
What you have under mannerisms gives me good contextualization, but I would recommend adding physical tics to make him more human-seeming. Things like 'taps foot when annoyed,' 'bites lip when nervous,' etc. Motivations are good–I like how it changes. Your current flaw is fine, but especially for an MC, you need more. Some of the notes that you currently have under mannerisms would probably fit nicely. Very nice job detailing all of the powers! Under personality type, I noticed an inconsistency: you mention earlier how he's very closed-off and somber, but then you mention how he cares about those close to him–while also saying that he is arrogant. I think that you're going to need WAY more contextualization for that kill-for-loved-ones bit if you want it to fly.
I notice that you didn't include any hobbies, politics, favorite foods/colors, or favorite possessions. This takes away your character's humanity. This happens a lot with ultra-powerful characters, but it's not good. Round him out! Right now he has awesome darker and more powerful traits, but everyone has a bit of softness, even if that softness is just "I like vanilla cake." It makes characters more human and relatable, so it's important to include.
GOOD JOB ON THE BACKSTORY. It adds context and explanation to a lot of traits! I would add a couple of mentions to the fights that you point out earlier (ex. the one with Zeus). Other than that, I would just add a couple of mentions to any friends of his. He seems kind of isolated.
Overall? An interesting premise for a superhero story! Have fun with this one!
I hope that this helps you!! :DDD
Here you go!! This is Markus…Markus Lane Hill
I know you already critiqued one of my other characters but could you critique this one too? Victor Roul
Okay, I'm going to start with @@Rubyjane… Top down…
I hope that these rainbow eyes get an explainer!!
Motivations seem a little weak. While I understand 'do the right thing,' I think that this should develop later on, assuming that he makes friends or something along those lines. Next, I'm assuming that there is some form of abuse involved here. That's fine, but it kind of undermines the whole 'doesn't-think-before-acting-slightly-reckless' trait. Children of abuse, as far as I am aware, tend to think a lot about potential consequences, so this is an inconsistency.
Another note: why is he angry that they kicked his father out if he father was so terrible to him? OH! You mention Everleigh! Maybe she could be a motivation? And Cammie?
Just a suggestion: for politics, I find it helpful to rate your characters on a scale of liberal-ness. This always helps me gauge reactions. :)
Nice job on the background! I got most of the explainers I needed. These extra subject areas you added are AMAZING!! They make Markus seem way more human. I might try some of them with my characters!
Overall, a very well-developed character. Nicely well-rounded in terms of realistic-ness; I would just smooth out some personality bits. Great job!
I hope that this helps you!! :DDD
Okay, now for Charles's character! Top down, of course…
Wait! I remember now! I critiqued Baby Spice! Hello, hello, Scary Spice!
What you have under mannerisms is definitely good, but I would recommend putting some physical tics in this field: ex. 'runs hands through hair when nervous,' or 'taps foot when annoyed,' or things like that. Motivations are fine–not amazing but it works. Maybe elaborating a little more would be good. What you have as prejudices aren't really prejudices. I would recommend adding something that's more based in past experience–maybe he doesn't like female teachers because of a bad one he had in the third grade, or something more specific like that.
Yay liberal scale!!!
Not a bad job on the backstory. Personally, I would add more detail, but you don't need as much when writing romance so this is okay.
Overall, he's a sweet lil character! Round his traits out a little more and maybe puff up the backstory and I think you'll be all good!
I hope that this helps you!! :DDD
Haii I don't know if you've done them already, but do you mind checking them out if you haven't?
Thanks!
Hi–sorry I'm so late! I'll start with Luciel: top down…
Hmm, first note would have to go under motivations. Since he's the MC, I'm assuming that . a lot revolves around him. Because of this, it's important that he's motivated by something more specific than wanting to be interested. Otherwise it seems unrealistic. Very, VERY good job on the rest of the personality page though.
Very nice on the backstory. It explains everything, but I'm sensing a slight character blip–he kills for the fun of it. I could be wrong, but that's what I'm picking up. It just seems off somehow. I can understand the premise, but I think it needs way more justification to be able to fly. Otherwise, it's illogical and readers won't be able to sympathize and thus will lose interest.
I REALLY appreciate the premise of this character. He's got a haunting, seductive, Gothic vibe that I absolutely ADORE. I just think you could add a bit more justification so that I don't hate myself for loving him, you know? Other than that, he's amazing!
All right, Arabella! Top down (duh)…
CAPRI-SUN! I love this. Just had to throw that in here. I love this.
Again, motivations are a little skewed. This one sounds more justifiable, but I think you need to contextualize it more. "…through assassination. She feels…" or something along those lines. Tell us what she feels about this. THAT'S her motivation.
I really appreciate your use of Machiavelli, by the way. That's really helping me with their philosophies! Although to jump back (just though of this, sorry!) if Luciel is also a big Machiavelli supporter, why is he so anarchic? I feel as if this doesn't make much sense given Machiavelli's views on a powerful leader.
Okay, but back to Arabella! I love her hobbies and talents. They make her seem human.
I like the backstory, but the link from death to murder to torture is shaky. The first half is okay, but then she goes full sadist with barely any explanation. It's hard to think of a reason for it (I struggle with this a lot) but if you don't, your characters seem flatter.
I really like your characters, especially Luciel, and I think your universe is unique and interesting!! Support their personalities and you've got a strong series here!
I hope that this helps you!! :DDD
heyy, he's been judged before by other people but I'd love to hear your opinion!
his pinterestboard can be found in the notes section.
@CinnamonRoll Thank you a lot for such in depth critique! I totally have to work more in both of their backstories and in making them feel more human. To be honest, about the Anarchy thing, I never know what to put in the "politics" question, and I felt like Luciel would be more of a "no authority figures (if it's not me)" guy, but he doesn't really care that much. I haven't read Machiavelli's whole book yet (I'll do it once I can have a break from school uugh), so I'll definitely be changing some stuff in Luciel's page once I do.
With Arabella, since she's one of the most recent characters I've made, I still have to find more things to "bring her to life" in the story and deepen her personality.
Thank you so much again!:)
@MajimePlease, I'm so glad that I could help!! Let me know if you want any more feedback when you update them :D
Okay, moving onto Nouc's character! Top down (of course)…
Just a quick note: I don't often critique on appearances, but I think you should probably elaborate more under skin tone. There's so much diversity in African-American skin tones that it would be helpful to understand the shade!
VERY nice job on personality. Everything flows so smoothly! One note: it would be helpful if you could add more about his soft side, especially considering his motivations of protecting and romance. Everything is well-developed, but it would be helpful to hear more about that side of him. :)
Two quick notes on the social page: one, about religion. When doing 'no religion,' I would recommend specifying either atheist or agnostic. Both are technically 'no religion,' but have very different connotations. Two, about politics: I find it very helpful to rate my characters on a scale of liberal-ness. For whatever reason, this is really helpful in gauging their responses to certain issues. I like how he's vegetarian :)
Okay, backstory sets a good baseline, but I want to hear more. Considering that a large part of his motives revolve around other characters, I need to see more of them in the backstory! Since the other half of his motives is moving on from his past, I think that you should also add a bit more from before he ran away. Now, he is a side character, so you don't need to go full-out, but I can safely say that so far he has been as well thought out as a main character. Because of this, more backstory is definitely in order!!
Overall, again, AMAZINGLY developed, especially for a side character! He's so well-rounded that I'm kind of sad that he isn't an MC. :) Add more backstory and maybe puff up a couple things and you should be doing really well!!
I hope that this helps you!! :DDD
@MajimePlease, I'm so glad that I could help!! Let me know if you want any more feedback when you update them :D
Okay, moving onto Nouc's character! Top down (of course)…
Just a quick note: I don't often critique on appearances, but I think you should probably elaborate more under skin tone. There's so much diversity in African-American skin tones that it would be helpful to understand the shade!
VERY nice job on personality. Everything flows so smoothly! One note: it would be helpful if you could add more about his soft side, especially considering his motivations of protecting and romance. Everything is well-developed, but it would be helpful to hear more about that side of him. :)
Two quick notes on the social page: one, about religion. When doing 'no religion,' I would recommend specifying either atheist or agnostic. Both are technically 'no religion,' but have very different connotations. Two, about politics: I find it very helpful to rate my characters on a scale of liberal-ness. For whatever reason, this is really helpful in gauging their responses to certain issues. I like how he's vegetarian :)
Okay, backstory sets a good baseline, but I want to hear more. Considering that a large part of his motives revolve around other characters, I need to see more of them in the backstory! Since the other half of his motives is moving on from his past, I think that you should also add a bit more from before he ran away. Now, he is a side character, so you don't need to go full-out, but I can safely say that so far he has been as well thought out as a main character. Because of this, more backstory is definitely in order!!
Overall, again, AMAZINGLY developed, especially for a side character! He's so well-rounded that I'm kind of sad that he isn't an MC. :) Add more backstory and maybe puff up a couple things and you should be doing really well!!
I hope that this helps you!! :DDD
Thank you so much for your advice! I really appreciate it!
I am white myself and (I feel kinda bad about not knowing these things) don't know much about the diversity in American-African skintones, and I didn't want to link it to like a person.
He's basically the same skintone as Will Smith, but do you know how to describe that without like using food-related things? I probably will be describing it in the story itself, just mentioning he's African-American may not be enough? Sexuality racism is a big thing in the plot. (he's gay and most of his friends are lbgt+).
The religion part in this story is kinda hard since Satan is actually the main character, but I guess we can say all the characters are forced that way to at least believe in the devil (not christianity). So that's a bit of a hard part.
Anyways, I might make him a maincharacter, he's much easier to write than the girl I had as second MC first.
Thanks again!
This is my baby Lucas.
Yay!! Top down…
Okay, everything flows more or less smoothly on the personality page. I just have one overarching note: you focus on his suicidal nature a lot. I completely understand how this can control his life and dictate a lot of his mannerisms and flaws, but it's still important to add at least a couple human characteristics. Even those with depression can have the occasional good day. What does he do on those days? This may seem unimportant as a lot of the plot seems to revolve around his anxiety and depression, but giving Lucas some more average characteristics will lead readers to sympathize with him more. There's a good start under hobbies, but I think you could branch it out a bit. Maybe he gets excited when someone mentions his favorite books, or he likes to doodle characters or make OCs. I'd like to see more of his human hobbies permeating bits of his personality. Adding another, albeit less monumental, dimension to his character will just make him better rounded! This is not to say you have to tone down the mental piece; just add a bit more softness as a sort of balancing act. :)
Very, VERY good job on politics!! I understand him a little better now. (Also, have I critiqued one of your characters before? I think I've seen the same politics format elsewhere).
Nice work on the backstory! This explains most of his motives as well as flaws and personality. I just have a couple quick notes: 'the dog' is brought up a lot and it's confusing as there is a dog mentioned in the beginning and I thought it died. Maybe add a dog's name, just for the sake of easy reading. It doesn't really matter, since this isn't the actual story, but that's just a note in case you ever need another critique. Next, I have to wonder about this: he has sexual attractions, then becomes asexual. I would like to apologize in advance in case I get any facts wrong here, but as far as I'm aware, asexuality means you don't have sexual attractions. I didn't know that you could just suddenly decide to be asexual, especially after a sexual attraction. Now, I could be dead wrong, but this just jumped out at me. :)
Overall, you've got a wonderful character here! He has a beautifully sad backstory that I feel like far too many people will be able to relate to. Give him a touch more dimension and I think you're good to go!!
I hope that this helps you!! :DDD
@CinnamonRoll
Thank you so much for the advice!!
So yes in my world the eyes are normal. People just have very different colored eyes in my world.
I fixed the motivations!!
And I changed the reckless thing, I think it's now a bit more believable.
Because if his father hadn't been kicked out Markus would've been with his mother and brother
Would you mind telling me what other questions that weren't covered in the backstory so that I can fix it?
I'm so glad you like all the extra sections!!
@CinnamonRoll
Thank you for your critique!
To clear a few things up:
-He had two dogs, one past away though. I will add an additional name to help that.
-He once wasn't asexual but from some mild PTSD from the person he was sexually attracted to made him think that he probably would never be sexually attracted to someone again. (That happened to me, also.)
-I don't think you have ever critiqued my characters before but I could be wrong.
Thank you again!!
AHH I'm so glad y'all like!! I'm going to respond to some people first, then do a critique for @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime's twins in the next post. :)
First, for @@Rubyjane:
I think that you should add a bit for his hobbies and talents. Why is he such a good lockpick? Why does he feel he has to be strong? These may seem obvious, but adding detailed incidences is weirdly helpful for development! Next, more Everleigh!! I'm so, SO curious about her! I want to know more about how they found out they were soulmates. :)
The bit you added for recklessness is AWESOME. It's absolutely perfect for his character!!
I'm so glad I could help!! Just let me know if you want anything else (or if I could meet Everleigh maybe…??) :DDD
Then to @TheMusicalVampire:
Thank you, that helps me understand!! Thank you for telling me about the asexuality bit. I'm afraid I'm not as well-versed in that as I should be, and it'll be really good to know for future reference!! I'm glad you liked my critique–as always, let me know if you need anything else!! :DD
Now for @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime's twins!!
I'll start with Dara–top down…
(Squirrely! I like it ;P)
Nice on the motivations!! I haven't even glanced at the backstory yet, but I'm hoping you'll involve a reasoning for her to be so spiteful of her parents. Oh, god, AMAZING job on the rest of personality. This is gonna be a hard critique!!
Hmm, just a note: her main prejudice is religious people, but now she's Catholic. I understand 'loosely,' but I think it would be safer to go with atheist or agnostic, so long as this isn't a major plot point. Nice job with the politics!!
WAIT! I've critiqued for you before! I remember the dragons! Sorry, just had to say that.
Backstory is good for explaining her personality, but it's nowhere near enough. Her role in the story is researcher… who starts a war. This deserves a HUGE place in the backstory! While her personality is explained very nicely, I think you need to add this. Also, I'd like to know where the prejudice against traditionalism comes from!
I'll overall at the end, so for now, Daso! Top down, duh…
Again, AMAZING job on personality. Especially under prejudices–I understand it a lot better now!
Also again, the religion piece. Hates religious people but is also Catholic. This is just a minor inconsistency, but I think you need to work it out.
For him, I think that the backstory is enough. This ended up being a REALLY short critique, and I apologize, but I honestly couldn't find that much!
You did an AMAZING job with both of these characters. I could barely find anything wrong! Smooth out a couple bits and give Dara a little more love and I think you'll have two absolutely incredible characters here!
I hope that this helps you!! :DDD
Aww thank you!! Those are some very helpful tips. I can clear up one thing though: the "starts a war" part becomes her role in the story. Like, almost mid story. If I were to explain it, I'd have to detail the entire plot.
As for the prejudice/religion thing…these two are loosely based on me, and honestly, I'm conflicted myself. I'll need to straighten that out…lol.
Thank you again!! I'm so glad you like my characters, and I'll definitely get to work on their prejudices/religion. :D
Hi, do you mind critiquing my character Zoe? Shes the main character and it's still a work in progress. Zoe Melana
@Nerd_Girl2.0 : She's on the private setting! If you could make her public I would love to take a look :DD
Hello! If you don't mind, I'd love some critique on my character, Louise. I'm having a bit of trouble grasping her voice (I'm not experienced writing older characters) so some help would be much appreciated. Louise Silverwood
Okay, since I can't access @Nerd_Girl2.0's character, I'm going to jump to @symphonic's until she's public.
Top down (but of course)…
Personality is a good depth for a side character. However, given the deep nature of her motivations, I would urge you to go a little deeper, especially on personality type. Explain why she is such an overbearing, motherly influence. Under prejudices–I like what you have, especially for an older character, but I do have a suggestion: throw in politics! Older characters tend to have a firmer grasp on politics, and will sometimes immediately dislike anyone with opposing political views. You don't have to, but I think it adds to the age piece.
To jump off the politics–she doesn't have any! For younger character, this is helpful, but for older characters, it's a must. She can vote, right? Thus, she probably has some sort of political inclinations that are important to note. I think you got cut off under favorite possessions! I'd like to know what the notes are about :)
Nice job on the backstory! I like how it explains her history. I would, however, add a bit more into the more present-day plot: Who are these kids she feels responsible for? Who's Olli? Why are they so important to her? You have about half of her personality rooted, just lay down the other bit. :)
Overall, though, you did a really good job, especially for a side character!! It's tempting to give them less attention, but you certainly didn't. Fluff up her backstory and I think you'll be great!!
I hope that this helps you!! :DDD