forum I can look over and give advice on your characters, world, or plot!
Started by @Rover3672
tune

people_alt 55 followers

@Fangirl616 group

@Fangirl616

First of all I do like the name Zenith A LOT, very unique. Secondly you could build up a bit more of his personality (not to say its bad it really isn't) by looking more into side effects of abuse since he was created and I can only assume he wasn't treated right and more like an object, he may be cocky but go deeper into that broken side of him to make the audience have sympathy for someone like him. Obviously don't go too dramatic or else he seems whiny but still and interesting character and I'm interested to how he falls in love with someone else…

Thanks! I'll do that!

@Rover3672

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster

Sophie seems pretty good but I can give some advice for romance to the best of my ability!

Maybe she could be a bit a of a daydreamer, like fantasizing about her "soulmate". Think of her perfect guy and then split some traits between however many characters you want, for example if she likes guys who are funny, kind and intelligent you would have three characters with that as their defining trait. This will cause some internal conflict between her to what she wants the most in a partner. I'm not really good with love triangles, look more into dating games and why you like the characters so much, or why you may like more than one character. You do need to make the love interest different and not copy and paste, I would also avoid a 'bastard boyfriend" character or even if you do have one try to not make him seem abusive or too "Edward Cullen" like.

Sorry if I'm not making sense but I still I helped a bit!

@Kaloobia

1) LOVE your icon, The Arcana is my shit
2) Would you care to look over my character please? Sakchai He's never been critiqued before, sorry if he's a little rocky. Thank you very much in advance! :)

@Rover3672

@Kaloobia

I really don't have any critiques for Sakchai and I think he is pretty well-rounded! My only thought was what lead him to become a Youtuber and put his music and passions out there? Was there someone who he had admired or looked up to as a creator and strives to go down that direction? What about his family and how do they support him? Or if they don't then why? I think you need to elaborate to why he does what he does a but more so the reader/viewer gets a good view of his motivations and goals. You don't necessarily need to make up this tragic protagonist backstory or a super detailed one either but rather one that explains why Sakchai chose Youtube over any other job and how it come to be like that along with how it effected others.

Overall he is very well-rounded and dynamic but giving him a backstory would defiantly complete it.

Also Julian is my best boi so thank you and I hope I helped!

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster group

Hey since I'm finished with all the character of the prequel arc, So here they are

(Kai) A former familiar who want to have the Spirit bond herself Bonita Reinfield

(Valerie) Sophie former bullying victim want to get the bond just to spite her and also for its magic

(Ava) Sophie's mentor and former user of the spirit bond

(Insato) The main villain wants to kill Sophie for playing the game she was trapped in

(Sprit Bond) The MacGuffin that channels magic through the user

@Kaloobia

@Kaloobia

I really don't have any critiques for Sakchai and I think he is pretty well-rounded! My only thought was what lead him to become a Youtuber and put his music and passions out there? Was there someone who he had admired or looked up to as a creator and strives to go down that direction? What about his family and how do they support him? Or if they don't then why? I think you need to elaborate to why he does what he does a but more so the reader/viewer gets a good view of his motivations and goals. You don't necessarily need to make up this tragic protagonist backstory or a super detailed one either but rather one that explains why Sakchai chose Youtube over any other job and how it come to be like that along with how it effected others.

Overall he is very well-rounded and dynamic but giving him a backstory would defiantly complete it.

Also Julian is my best boi so thank you and I hope I helped!

Backstory is def super important, something I should put down for sure.

I'm very glad you like him! You flatter me :) Thanks for your help!

@Rover3672

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster

(Sorry if some of these are shorter than I would normally write)

Kai: I think she is pretty cool overall but maybe add a bit more to her backstory like what

Valerie: Her backstory is short and simple but my question is why she was targeted by Sophie and what is their relationship like now? I also think there is just something missing from her, like you could add more to her backstory or something else to what happened to her because of the bullying that had happened.

Ava: I think Ava is pretty cool and my only thing is to obviously research more into her trauma and what she has seen and how her mental state would be effected. Also why exactly is she mute and if it was something she was born with then look into conditions that could lead to or cause that within a child.

Insato: She is defiantly one of my favorites, very dynamic and as a very interesting personality. Not much to say other than to look into sexual or emotional abuse and possibly weave it within her personality.

The spirit bonds is pretty straightforward and makes sense, nothing much to critique on that.

Long story short just develop Kai's backstory more, look into Ava and Insato's trauma and Valerie and Sophie's relationship. Once again sorry if this wasn't as detailed as I usually write but I hope this still helps!

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster group

Well the characters here's my next arc

Charlie Charlie Rōtasu
The hero and love interest of the arc, He's atoning for basically being a bystanding coward

Chapter One|
Kelly Kelly Smith
A delinquent who used to be the target of bullying of everyone for being albino, she also was a former childhood friend of Charlie

Dawn Dawn Lycra
The leader of the delinquents and the most feared girl in school

Emma Emma Smith
Kelly's sister and one of the most popular girls in high school

Cleo Cleo Kim
One of the most popular girls in school, she has a crush on Dawn|

Chapter Two|
Terry Terry Torrert
A member of the disciplinary committee and is huge on PC culture, he was a former childhood friend of Charlie

Tori Tori Torrent
His younger sister who was bullied for being transgender

Chapter Three

Aaron Aaron Phillett
The quarterback, he seems to be a playboy and a bully, he also has a bad relationship with father, he also was a former childhood friend of Charlie

Darrell Darnell Greigii
Aaron's boyfriend and childhood friend, he doesn't agree with him bullying students and is worried about him due to his violent dad

Claire Claire Lillian
Darell's childhood friend and one of popular girls in school, She tends to dislike Aaron and considers him a boorish idiot

Elijah Elijah Lillian
The main villain who behind all bullying, He is extremely attention-seeking

@Rover3672

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster

Charlie: First of all I'm a sucker for Hanahaki disease so you instantly got me there. Anyways not too much to critique but to go into more research of trauma and anger issues along with depressing. It might help a bit to see out he reacts with his father and if you should alternate/add to his personality. Overall nothing really wrong with Charlie.

Kelly: I love her design a lot actually,very unique. But to me it seems weird how she is shy but at the same time very violent. I think you should make her anti-social or more of an ambivert rather than describing her as shy. I also think you could exaggerate her "evilness" a bit more than just being violent. Think yandere but minus the whole romance aspect, also sadistic if that works for what you have in mind for Kelly.

Dawn: Dawn is pretty good overall but by only question is how she stopped herself from suicide? What exactly happened then? Did someone come and change her life or maybe she had gone through it but survived? If you've seem Heathers then maybe it could be like he backlash of what Martha got when she tried to kill herself. No one cared and still made fun of her.

Emma: I think you should go a but more in depth to what a pampered child like Emma would act like, you could add more to her personality and also her relationship with Kelly when they were kids? Did either of them try to make an effort to make up with their difference or did Emma ever accept Kelly for how she looked? Did she ever stand up for Kelly but then her parents taught her to hate her sister? Little things like this can show relationship at its current status and what the characters may want internally.

Cleo: I really like her design, very cute and especially her hair! Anyways, since she is a side character the backstory doesn't need to be as detailed as the other characters but it doesn't make too much sense to have her being such an optimistic character when she had seen people being hurt like that? Unless it is a 'state of denial' thing that she forces herself into then I would look over that again.

Terry: I love Terry a lot and I really don't have any critiques for anything! Very interesting backstory.

Tori: Once again, not maybe critiques for Tori other than unless the plot demands it or he overcomes the dysmorphia over time, then keep that in his backstory. It feels like something that he should stay as a backstory unless it is important in anyway for him to get over it during the plot. If you do this, then look into articles or just flat out research of what people are like when they start to love themselves again, and if you want to take it 3 steps further make Tori turn to a religion or some community that helps in a non-obsessive way like how Terry does. A lot of people turn to religion (just as an example) to feel safe and loved. (Also edit note, for the family section you put Terry twice)

Aaron: Because he is abused and bullied, go into trauma and how that would effect his personality and more. As for his father I don't think he should be an alcoholic if Aaron is tying to impress and please him at times, some abusers may hurt you one minute then the next give you money or act affectionate towards you, its a cycle of abuse that is hard to get out of but I think is better than him being drunk. It could be occasionally but not all the time. Also why is he opposed to hurting women more than anyone else? It seems a little weird to include but if its very important then add why in his backstory.

Darrel: First I love the contrast of his design with such a dark color pallet and then those nice green eyes, very striking. Next he seems like the 'strong-silent' type a bit too much so maybe giving him a softer hobby or something unexpected to his character. His backstory does collide with Aaron's so same critiques for his dad. Overall a good character and nothing too big.

Elijah/Claire: Because he is the main villain you REALLY need to add more details to his backstory and relationships to his parents and sister. You need to have why he stuck to his ideals and never tried to fight back and whatever trauma he went through and exaggerate it (but not too much or he will seem whiny/bitchy). He is your main villain and even if he is just a 'pure evil' villain he still need to have motivations and end goals that seem right to him but wrong to everyone else. His backstory doesn't need to be so complex and complected but it is lacking and not strong enough to convince the reader/viewer that what he is doing is reasonable (to an extent or in his eyes) without him seem boring or too 'cut and paste". He isn't a bad character just he is lacking and needs more detail especially if he is the main villain. Very important. You may have noticed I didn't include Claire yet but that is because I want to know about their relationship. Their backstories do collide but not in an extreme enough way for them to be siblings, do more in depth to what they are like around each other and their parents too. I also think you can make her more of a yandere but may minus a bit of the murdering part but rather the obsessiveness and stalker-ish ways. Overall I'm not to worried about Claire since she is a minor character but for Elijah you NEED to elaborate on his backstory and motivations more.

I think your characters are really well thought out and have a lot of attention towards each but you need to go into the more technical stuff and if they were a real life person, how would act with seeming like they would overreact? I recommend you watch a YouTube channel called Overly Sarcastic Productions. They talk a lot about writing and certain tropes and characters (like villains) and how they are done and what is good examples and bad. I've found it helpful for my writing and hopefully you will, especially for Elijah. Go on to the channel and go into the playlist and click on the one that says "Trope Talks", very helpful information that I highly suggest,

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster group

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster

Kelly: But to me it seems weird how she is shy but at the same time very violent.

TBH I just put that trait just for some contrast or some twist from the strong, uncaring delinquent archetype

I think you should make her anti-social or more of an ambivert rather than describing her as shy. I also >think you could exaggerate her "evilness" a bit more than just being violent. Think yandere but minus the >whole romance aspect, also sadistic if that works for what you have in mind for Kelly.

Actually Kelly isn't supposed to be evil or a yandere, while yes, she isn't a good person, but she isn't evil, She's more rebellious and jealous

.

@Rover3672

@Icefire

Nyx: I like the idea of a cyborg-like character a lot and over all Nyx is pretty cool. His backstory is well thought out but maybe you could ad more with his struggles at the beginning when he first wakes up, like how he adjusts to being a cyborg. Another thing to note is side effects of coming out of a coma. People usually aren't fully functioning when they wake up so I'd suggest looking into what happens when you wake up from a coma and see if that should apply to Nyx. Maybe it is canceled out by the cyborg parts maybe it isn't but I would considered it and it could be a challenge he faces when he wakes up, and if your plot takes place relatively close to when he does wake up then that could carry over. But remember that there is a line between a weakness and an annoying inconvenience so if you do this them be careful to how much it effects the scenario. Take Superman, his weakness isn't an annoying inconvenience because not all his villains have Kryptonite, it would be come irritating if every villain did have it and Superman was all dramatic about it every single time. So don't let any coma side effects get in the way of everything but still keep in mind that it is a challenge for Nyx to function.

Chase: Nothing really negative within his character and backstory but since he is a clone, does he ever have the complex of "Am I really human?" or even does he try and seek out who he is a clone of? There are a lot of interesting themes and ideas that can be played around with this part. As for the submissive part, is he submissive around his superiors and then all fun and games around everyone else? I was a little confused about that part.

Both very good characters, just look into the coma thing and then you should be golden!

@Rover3672

@Bananapudding_is_meh

First off I love your take on Sirens! Very unique and interesting compared to my take on them for my story anyways, I think Daniel should be overprotective of his body and people touching him seen as he had an abusive past and with bullying and the other people trying to cut off his gills. Just a little add detail that I think would make some sense. Regardless, look into the trauma of abusive parents and being an outcast and how exactly that might effect him. When reading his personality compared to his backstory, it did line up but at the same time I think some things can be exaggerated a more within his mannerisms and how is body language is around people he trusts and doesn't trust. A minor thing but still a really well thought out character.

@ElderGod-Icefire

On Nyx: ooh yeah I kinda skimmed over that part in his backstory, will definitely flesh that out asap. Thank you!
Chase: yeah he kinda does have that issue sometimes, I guess I kinda glossed over that. Oops. As for his personality…it more of depends who he's with? I should have specified that. He can be fun and games around people he trusts, but around his superiors/eventual owner, he would be far more submissive and pliant. Thanks again!

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster group

Lucas- Lucas Bates
The hero and love interest of the arc, Who is a half-phantom and is throw in the incident because such

Amberly- Amerly Finn
One of Lucas's ex, She is slightly based off of The Little Mermaid, she wants to be with Lucas to "become whole"

Briar/Logan- Cein Rose
Another one of Lucas's ex, who is based off of Sleeping Beauty, His alter Briar is active personality while his main personality Logan is "sleeping"

Noelle- Noelle Akeldama
ANOTHER one of Lucas's ex based off of Snow White, her gimmick is that she rubs the fact that she's the strongest of all

Blevin- Blevin Cresent
ANOTHER FUCKING ex of Lucas, he's based off of Cinderella, who has to kill Lucas by the midnight near the end of February

Camille- Camille Bates
Lucas's dead mother, who tends following him around as a ghost

Lucian- Lucian Bates
Lucas's dad who ignores him and is possibility the catalyst of all Lucas's insecurities

@Rover3672

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster

Lucas: I think Lucas is pretty good overall and I don't have any critiques. I'm just a bit confused on why would his dad hates him so much? I understand that his mom died in childbirth but is it some kind of psychosis? Just a little thing that I was wondering about.

Amberly: She seem very cool and unique but you didn't finish writing her backstory, the sentence cuts out randomly but from what was there I have no critiques.

Logan/Briar: His backstory is a little bit confusing after you mention that his mother was poisoned, you also kind of lose when it comes to why they are split? Its very interesting idea but if you could explain it more for me that would be nice. Other than that just research sexual abuse (mostly on children) a tad bit more and if you want I can link you a short film that actually goes into this. I've been told that the actor perfectly portrays what its like and I've even used it for my own character Sunny, hopefully this might help you as well.

Noelle: First off, I LOVE her character design a lot, especially how her red eye pop compared to the rest of the paler tones. I think her backstory is interesting and you can defiantly see how it is related to Snow White, anyways I was thinking on how she was effected from her parents? Look into emotional abuse and see if you can apply that to Noelle just a little bit with only using maybe a few traits if needed. Other than that a very cool take on a vampire.

Blevin: Okay so the first thing that stuck out to me was the fact that he likes BDSM but also had an abusive past. It seem a but weird unless he had pleasure from his stepmother abused him and then allowed that to carry over to his adult life, another thing is the fact that he is a werewolf. Because he is half do the same rules apply to him were he turns into a wolf during a full moon or is he in a weird 'half and half' state at all times? Just wondering since you do have unique takes on classic creatures/beings and if you had made up your own rules for Blevin specifically.

Camille: I like the idea and her backstory a lot actually! But rather her just being a ghost that follows Lucas around maybe she possess people around Lucas's ex's so that he ends up dying since I assume she can't directly interfere with the real world. Other that she seems interesting, especially for a mother character/role with also being an antagonist.

Lucian: You didn't write a backstory for him but that is okay since he is a minor character but at the same time why is he afraid of Lucas? Is it because he is a ghost or is it something more? If it was because he 'killed' Camille in labor because if thats the case then it would probably be more anger than fear. Either way he is a minor character so it isn't too important, just a little detail I was wondering about.

I'm very interested to see what your story for all these characters are! Very cool idea but maybe try looking at the original Brothers Grimm/ Hans Christian Anderson versions of the fairy tales if you haven't already.

Here is also the video link that I mentioned earlier( plus a secondary one thats pretty good as well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gix6pM7WK3E

It is a little dark and heavy on the heart but it did help me get a bit of insight on what sexual abuse can do to a child/teen. You also should to finish Amberly's backstory and then send the link again to me so I can give better critiques on her.

@Kinarymo

O hai, if you have the time, could you give me some advice regarding the romance between Hiryur and Virion?

My main concerns would be if it's healthy enough and if it's okay (i'm pretty nervous about these two since they're my first and only gay couple i ever made)

@Rover3672

@Kinarymo

I completely understand your concern, I have a few LGBTQ+ characters in a relationship and it is a bit intimidating as someone who hasn't dated the same sex.

ANYWAYS I love both of them in general and they kinda remind me of Maureen and Joanne from Rent a lot with their personalities being pretty much the opposite. I think their relationship would be healthy but note that I think they would argue/challenge each other quite a but because of said personality contrast which means unless the understanding is already there and they work well together. Also because they are antagonists they probably would be very chaotic at times so the relationship would be a wild ride. But the way they fall in love is also very healthy and doesn't seem to have any issues. Just keep in mind that they both have bold personalities that will challenge each other occasionally unless the understanding is already there from the start.

(BTW I love your character art! Did you draw those yourself and if your up to it can you draw my characters? I have the artistic ability of a dead worm lol.)

@Kinarymo

Ayy ty for the feedback q3q
Glad to know u like them :'> So a chaotic relationship huh? I've never written one of those, but it sounds very interesting :0 (there is understanding between them but a little bit of chaos sounds fun :D)
As for the art, yus i did draw all of it myself (except the one with Virion where he looks like hes on the cover of a magazine, that one was a gift). Idk about ur characters, i mean depends on how many u have and what exactly u want me to draw. If you're ok with headshot sketches i can do that pretty easily, but if its full bodies i might not be able to do it :'>