forum I can look over and give advice on your characters, world, or plot!

Started October 04, 2019 by @Rover3672

tune

Sorry, this week me and my family have been doing a bit a travelling since I had a week off of school and I haven't had a chance to sit down and take the time to look over the characters but I'm alive and here are my critiques:

Micheal: I was confused a bit when reading his backstory, like what exactly was this mysterious disease and why was the closet leaking gas? A bit more detail would be nicer. On the note of the disease, one thing to note in writing is that you have to keep in mind how relevant certain details are, like if you have a character that was abused in their childhood but during the story its not relevant to their personality or personal arc then why have that backstory in the first place? Same goes with the disease. And for him not talking to Sophie, does she or the rest of the family try to talk to him or did they just give up trying after a while? Another thing that I saw was in the hobbies section it said that he like stalking to his dolls, I'm just a bit confused about that part since it wasn't mentioned anywhere else. Like why does he do it? Last note is that you should look into more what isolation does to a person since I think it can lead to parts of insanity? Idk its been a while since I looked into it myself but it could be something to look into if you want to take a darker route or his character.

Tyler: I was wondering if during the car crash when he was 4 if Tyler took any brain damage or was injured in any way? It is very likely that there would be a bit more than just some broken bones or anything. Look into that a bit more and edit if you please from then on. He also doesn't have a symbol, I don't know if that was intentional or just a small mistake but I thought I'd point it out.

Mason: (He also doesn't have a symbol btw) ANYWAYS, his backstory and personality seems good enough nothing stood out to me as confusing or in need of looking over.

William: Backstory and personality is good, just look into comas and the recovery behind it since you don't just wake and ready to function at 110%. It takes time to relearn certain things such as walking to just do a bit a research into that. Also he doesn't have a symbol.

Jaelynn: She is pretty good but in her backstory you covered just one event in her life. Yes it is important to her motivations but you should mention a bit more about her life outside it. Like what was her family like? Did she have a good childhood or no? Are her parents nice and accepting or mean and harsh?Just a few things to add if you want.

Crystal: Good character, interesting story but just look into what its like to only have one eye and what other challenges she would face other than phantom pains (if there is anything at all).

Marionette: Once again, interesting character with a coolio backstory and descent into madness. Love her name too.

Stephe: I like her a lot and I really have nothing to say other than how exactly did her and Duke being together change Stephe or even at all. Did she become more adventurous and cheerful or not really? Also how is her relationship with her children? Whats the whole family dynamic before the story takes place? Other than that she is pretty good.

Duke: Same questions as Stephe, did he change when he got together with his wife and what was the family dynamic? I do really think he is coolio as well btw.

Colton: Nothing more than look into comas and all that jazz. Good character.

Hasuko:She is good but you had much for detail in Colton's backstory than in hers, maybe just add a but more of the parts where they overlap along with her reaction and how she coped with the accident.

As for the three heroes, I'm not really sure how to make them not seem like pricks. Of anything either play certain parts off as comedic because the reader/viewer would know that they aren't being weird but rather trying to accomplish the task at hand. It all really depends on how your other characters react. Its a bit hard for me to say how exactly they should act since my one character who is an asshole but its played off as a 'running gag' of sort, but none of them came off as weird in anyways so I don't think you will have any troubles with that. Unless of course there a specific scenes that stand out to you that you need help with then you can message me personally for that (if your not comfortable putting a link of a document I know its one thing to put a character but another for writing, some people care, some don't).

One last thing that I never realized before about your characters is that they all are kinda freakishly tall. I mean, a lot of them are in the 6-7ft area and I just want to make sure about that since most places people average more in the 5'5"-5'10" range. If its an intentional thing that I'm missing then please ignore this part.

Oof idk why the text got so big there sorry about that…

Sorry, this week me and my family have been doing a bit a travelling since I had a week off of school and I haven't had a chance to sit down and take the time to look over the characters but I'm alive and here are my critiques:

It's fine

Micheal: I was confused a bit when reading his backstory, like what exactly was this mysterious disease and why was the closet leaking gas? A bit more detail would be nicer. On the note of the disease, one thing to note in writing is that you have to keep in mind how relevant certain details are, like if you have a character that was abused in their childhood but during the story its not relevant to their personality or personal arc then why have that backstory in the first place? Same goes with the disease. And for him not talking to Sophie, does she or the rest of the family try to talk to him or did they just give up trying after a while? Another thing that I saw was in the hobbies section it said that he like stalking to his dolls, I'm just a bit confused about that part since it wasn't mentioned anywhere else. Like why does he do it? Last note is that you should look into more what isolation does to a person since I think it can lead to parts of insanity? Idk its been a while since I looked into it myself but it could be something to look into if you want to take a darker route or his character.

The disease he got had to do with his father's death which led up to discovery of the magical world and closet leaking gas was a prank pulled by a gang of bullies which led to him hating Sophie and closing himself off to the world, Also with the dolls I meant to say talking to dolls and it's mostly supposed to play for comedic effect (Since he see dolls as better friends than humans)

Tyler: I was wondering if during the car crash when he was 4 if Tyler took any brain damage or was injured in any way? It is very likely that there would be a bit more than just some broken bones or anything. Look into that a bit more and edit if you please from then on. He also doesn't have a symbol, I don't know if that was intentional or just a small mistake but I thought I'd point it out.

Tyler actually was at home when his parents were in a wreck, also his symbol was supposed to a pigeon (Mason's is Mallard)

One last thing that I never realized before about your characters is that they all are kinda freakishly tall. I >mean, a lot of them are in the 6-7ft area and I just want to make sure about that since most places >people average more in the 5'5"-5'10" range. If its an intentional thing that I'm missing then please ignore >this part.

That unintentional, I don't know my heights

For the heights, you can just google "average height of 'X' nationality/age" and you'll have the best options but rememeber you still have whatever liberty you want. Just keep in mind if they were a actual person in real life, also here is a height comparison site that you can use for whatever reason idk. https://www.mrinitialman.com/OddsEnds/Sizes/sizes.html

I know you already reviewed these characters but how to make a relationship work between these two: Dawn Lycra and Cleo Kim

For some context, Dawn and Cleo are in a secret relationship, since Dawn lose street cred with caught dating such a little ball of sunshine and Cleo's friends and parents wouldn't approve of her dating a delinquent girl, their main conflict is Cleo willingness to fit in despite leaving behind her true friends and Dawn's bullying and delinquent tendencies

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster

I'm just wondering what you have in mind for their dynamic, or at least what are some key points that you want/need to keep for the story? I understand it is a secret and friends and family disapprove but I'd like to know if there are any thing I should keep in mind?

So here the last batch of character, for now, the main villains in the side project, They're
in the race for Asumi blood because he's a Nephilim for anything they want oh all of them (excluding Hikari and Unzari) are yandere for Asumi

Eri (Greed): Invalid Character
Asumi's older cousin, She wants his blood so she and Asumi can live a luxurious life
PS. She's a platonic yandere, to avoid, you know

Colin(Sloth)Invalid Character
Asumi best friend, He wants Asumi's blood to erase his traumatic memories because he sees Asumi as pure

Mikoto(Wrath)Invalid Character
She wants Asumi's blood for power to get revenge on all who wronged her also she sees Asumi as pure

Hanaki (Envy) Invalid Character
He wants everything that was denied from him, He also wants Asumi since he resembles his dead girlfriend

Hikari(Gluttony)Invalid Character
Kage's sister, she wants to eat Asumi so she can have all the attention of Minato (a girl she's crushing on), She sees Asumi as competition

Emiko(Pride) Invalid Character
Asumi's ex-girlfriend, She wants her blood so she can be as powerful as a god and his undivided attention

Unzari(Vessel) Invalid Character Kosuke (Lust) Invalid Character
Unzari is the body Kosuke is possessing, Kosuke wants Asumi blood so he can get Kage's and his ex-wife (Kage's and Hikari's foster mom) attention, He doesn't care about Asumi

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster

Eri: Okay so a lot of the points you make with her don't add up . I don't really see how she is related to greed other than gambling which you can defiantly bump up a bit more since gambling isn't really a light thing. She seems a little to happy for someone with such trauma so look into that a bit more. I think you should think a bit harder about how her points add up and relate to the whole "greed" theme while also bumping up the protectiveness a bit to seem more yandere.

Collin: His character is very interesting but at the same I don't see him relating to the sin of sloth. Nothing really shows that other than the bit of depression he went thought near the end of his backstory so maybe look over that. I also don't see his gay complex working very well either, or at least you didn't describe it much in his personality.

Mikoto: Same issue as Collin here, very cool character but the theme doesn't match up very well with her personality.

Hanaki: His backstory is a tad bit confusing to read, especially when the other girl comes in, but in all honesty I think Greed or even Pride might be a better trait then envy. You should look into PTSD a bit more and apply that to the personality as well.

Hikari: So I see a why her theme is gluttony but I'd maybe bump it up a bit more than what you have now. Her backstory is good and matches decently with her personality.

Emiko: She is a very interesting character but I defiantly you should switch her and Hanaki's themes, she seems more envious rather than prideful. Other than that she is good.

Unzari: I like him a lot actually and think his character is pretty cool and I don't have any critiques for him.

Kosuke: I'd say that everything adds up with him, once again nothing really to say!

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster

Collin: His character is very interesting but at the same I don't see him relating to the sin of sloth. Nothing really shows that other than the bit of depression he went thought near the end of his backstory so maybe look over that. I also don't see his gay complex working very well either, or at least you didn't describe it much in his personality.

His gay complex mostly just him showing discomfort towards homosexuality, due to his uncle using her sexuality as an excuse to rape him, also his sloth mostly comes out through his over reliance on others and unwillingness to empathetize with others

Mikoto: Same issue as Collin here, very cool character but the theme doesn't match up very well with her personality.

Her personality and theme are supposed to conflict due to her holding her anger back

Hanaki: His backstory is a tad bit confusing to read, especially when the other girl comes in, but in all honesty I think Greed or even Pride might be a better trait then envy. You should look into PTSD a bit more and apply that to the personality as well.

As a TLDR of backstory
He was bullied for having dark skin and his parents were too busy to attend to him, A girl saved him from the bullies and befriended him, When they were in highschool they dated the girl got jealous of him getting attention due to his looks, so she abused him, one day Hanaki got fed up of her bullshit and left her, when he was trying to leave, She chased after him and got ran over causing Hanaki to blame himself for her death

(I haven't add this to his backstory but he always envied other people's perfect family or having a perfect love interest)

Oh also how to make these characters sympathetic or least understandable (well at least with excusing their action) like redeeming them (Eri, Mikoto, Hanaki, Collin) or them realizing they gone too far (Hikari Emiko, Kosuke)

Hello, I was wondering if you could look over one of my main characters and share any advice you may have on how to make her a better or more relatable person. Her name is Levina Malashi and she is one of the main protagonists in my story. Heres the link to her character: Levina Annabelle Malashi Let me know if you have any questions, a lot of my characters' backstories are connected and I tend to leave out some important details because I already have them memorized.

@Emma I just saw this and it was no problem about the timing. We all get busy sometimes. Thank you for your kind words and no the Agent 47 was not intentional. Actually the whole character started out as a flat character ment for my Inorganic Chemistry class (we got some weird assignments). Basically we were told to make a character based off of an element and I choose silver. So Agent 47 was based off the atomic number of silver.

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster

I don't really get the vibes that you'll have any problems making your characters sympathetic since they have some form of a tragic backstory that can at least make the reader feel bad for them but still not agree completely with their actions. Take an antagonist like JD from Heathers (i just keep going back to that example oops). He had an abusive past and a very tragic family dynamic that messes him up and we feel bad for him but it doesn't excuse his actions. With the way I see it your okay.

@stuckythestan

Okay so I adore the name Levina, very unique name to me. Anyways, her backstory isn't super clear to me, does the story pick up from when they are kidnapped and if not then you should defiantly elaborate more on how she got her powers from the testing. Is it alright if you could tell me more about her personality? Its kinda vague but to be honest I get that it doesn't always makes sense to other when you write it down vs. speaking to them. I

@Stargazerwriter78

That's totally okay, I just wanted to point it out just in case but if you want to keep that name you just need to make it clear or have some sort of reference to tell the reader that its for the atomic number for silver and not from the movie. But yet again it is an easy thing to switch up if you really wanted to.