forum I can look over and give advice on your characters, world, or plot!
Started by @Rover3672
tune

people_alt 55 followers

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster group

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster

Blevin: Okay so the first thing that stuck out to me was the fact that he likes BDSM but also had an abusive past. It seem a but weird unless he had pleasure from his stepmother abused him and then allowed that to carry over to his adult life,
Actually first his stepmother didn't abuse him, that was his stepbrothers, Second I wasn't intending for him to be a sub or a masochist

another thing is the fact that he is a werewolf. Because he is half do the same rules apply to him were he turns into a wolf during a full moon or is he in a weird 'half and half' state at all times? Just wondering since you do have unique takes on classic creatures/beings and if you had made up your own rules for Blevin specifically.
tbh I think he's usually in the half and half state (eg. he goes in the human realm with a hat hiding his ears)

Here are Lucien's and Amberly updated profile, I didn't know they didn't have backstories

@Bananapudding

@Bananapudding_is_meh

First off I love your take on Sirens! Very unique and interesting compared to my take on them for my story anyways, I think Daniel should be overprotective of his body and people touching him seen as he had an abusive past and with bullying and the other people trying to cut off his gills. Just a little add detail that I think would make some sense. Regardless, look into the trauma of abusive parents and being an outcast and how exactly that might effect him. When reading his personality compared to his backstory, it did line up but at the same time I think some things can be exaggerated a more within his mannerisms and how is body language is around people he trusts and doesn't trust. A minor thing but still a really well thought out character.

awww thank you
and noted. I will definitely make those changes

@Kinarymo

Hi, it's me again q3q
If it's ok, can you take a look at another one of my villains, Mahiru?
The problem is i don't know how to establish her as a villain - i don't really want to use basic motives like greed or other stuff like it, and i'm very unsure if i should give her a sadder background. Do you have any suggestions about how to make her a more admirable villain?

@Rover3672

@Kinarymo

Mahiru is pretty cool overall and and her backstory is good how it is but I want you to consider looking into pure evil villains rather than making her more complex.

I actually have the same problem with my own villain but there is a Youtube channel that I watch that could help for looking into villains. I'll link the video which explains more about what pure evil villains are and how they should function. If this doesn't work for your story or doesn't fit Mahiru then I think there are other videos on that same channel that cover more about villains.

Hopefully this helps a bit and if not we can talk more and figure it out!

@Rover3672

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster

Amberly's backstory is pretty good and like Noelle her story is pretty close to her inspiration, but I think you can be more intense with her backstory. The original Hans Christian Anderson story is very dark, I tired to find a summary of the story to save you trouble of finding one but I couldn't find one that is good enough so I'll link a pdf for you to read. Its 12 pages long but skim through it if you want.

As for Lucian, I like how you changed it to guilt rather than anger and that defiantly makes all the difference. Other than that I think they both are pretty good!

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster group

Jax:
The hero and love interest of the arc, He is thrown in conflict due to his kitsune blood

Janice: Jax's codependent mother

Jane: Jax's younger sister who just came back from running away

Alice: The woman who groomed Jane and is part of Alex's gang

Jacob: Jax's older brother who was forced by his father to sell drugs

Elise: A mysterious gang member who keeps tabs on the others

Alex: Jax's abusive dad, The main villain of the story

@Rover3672

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster

Jax: I like Jax quite a but and his backstory is pretty good but my only question is doe she try and contact his brother or does his dad make sure that he can't talk to the rest of the family. If so do the two find a way to get around this or just accept it? You should look into emotional abuse as well to see how is mental health is effected too. ( I also have a main character named Jax so thats fun!)

Janice: I love her backstory a lot, very well done and her personality matches with her trauma. No real critiques for her!

Jane: She is very interesting but her backstory feels a but imcomplete, espcially at the end there. If thats when the story picks up then don't bother adding more but if not then add a bit more to what happens afterwards. (My main girl's human name is Jane so thats coolio)

Alice: Nothing too big here really, its what a character like her seems like she would behave and be motivated by. If your up to it then elaborate some details in her backstory but its not super important unless the plot has moments where it focuses on her a lot, if not then its good how it is. ( Oof I have another girl named Alice too…I think its a pretty name)

Jacob: His personality and backstory are good but once again you could elaborate just a bit more on his backstory.

Elise: Defiantly very interesting past but does she ever meet up with her son? I assume he doesn't know what she had to go through but does he forgive her if he were to heard her side of things? She seems pretty cool and nothing really you should change.

Alex: Nothing really to say about him, very good backstory that matches with his personality. Nothing seems off or you need to look over really.

@Rover3672

@Cloudy_The_Busy_Asexual

Ok it works so here is my critiques:

For conditions I think you should look into PTSD if people with powers are scary to her, I can link an article for you that I've found helpful. Other than that she seems pretty cool, but she need a backstory! You already have a point of her being weary of other people with powers so you can go down that route, is it because she is a rp charcater? Overall nothing sticks out other than context of her past could help me critique better, but what you have now is great.

Here are some links for PTSD if your interested:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ptsd/what-is-ptsd

@Cloudy_is_trying_her_best

She's not really scared of people with powers(she has them herself), but I've been meaning to look into PTSD for a while for some other projects, so thank you! The thing where it mentions "ooh powers scary" is talking about the government lol.

@Kinarymo

Ah, i know Overly Sarcastic Production, she's honestly so good at writing advice.
But i still feel like there's something missing about Mahiru, idk how to explain. I feel like her story was somehow comprised of 2 chapters like, in the first part she has her initial encounters with her soon to be enemy, Hanami, while the second part takes place post encounters and focuses on the current protags.
The part i'm most worried about is the first one, where she ends up making Hanami her enemy. I was thinking that her original motivation wasn't necessarily related to Hanami, but through her actions she drew him into the mix (and got locked up). Like i said, i didn't really want to put greed here since i feel it's been done so many times and its recipe is pretty clear - the more you wish the less you have, the greed finally being their undoing.

I discovered an extremely interesting villain in one novel, whose original goal was to get revenge on the people who destroyed his life and betrayed him, and once he achieved his goal he sat back and let things be. Until the main protag showed up, and the villain's new motivation was to turn the protag into what he failed to be - he was hidden for the majority of the story, finally coming out when the protag refused to go his way and it was very intense. The villain had enough bad acts behind him to be hated for but his story gave a reason to pity him.

I dont necessarily want to go the crushed dream route, but the effect and feel of the said villain were amazing - and i cant find a starting motivation to get things going for Mahiru. What would lead her to nearly exterminate a specie without a racism or a deep hate reason?

@Rover3672

Sorry I'm a but confused, do you think that Mahiru's motivations are lacking and too 'cut and paste"? And if your concerned about the racism part then add more instances where they encounter the species in a negative way, like maybe she was an outcast where she grew up or she had another smaller goal that was crushed constantly by these people? As if she was always at the wrong place and time with these people. It maybe started out as a personal hatred but over time it build up into hatred. Or switch up the part where she tires to take over the island with something more that wold push Mahiru to the villain. Betrayal comes to mind but you can play around with this idea more.

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster group

Matthew: Matthew Thomas
The antihero and love interest of the arc, He ends up infecting everyone when in a heat-induced rage so he has to help Sophie fix everything and also he has sun powers

Theo: Theo Kim
Matthew's rival, his entire conflict is his sibling rivalry with his sister, also he has moon powers

Skylar: Skylar Aither
Matthew's new stepsister, her whole conflict is her need for attention, also she has sky powers

Elliot: Elliott Centauri
Matthew's childhood friend, his whole conflict is anger at being tricked and bullied all the time

Mia: Mia Thomas
Matthew estranged mother

Felix: Felix Widow
Matthew's ex-stepfather, who's a cat homunculus, He just wants to redeem himself in the other's eyes

@Rover3672

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster

Sorry this took a bit longer for me to critique, I had a science test that I needed to study for. ANYWAYS HERE YOU GO:

Matthew: I don't see to many werecats in stories so that was pretty coolio. Otherwise he doesn't seen 'yandere' like to me at all, just really over protective. Maybe you could change it to him being very overprotective but sometimes his instinct take over and that causes him to harm others.

Theo: He is nice over all but I think you should go more into what causes pica since it wasn't mentioned in his backstory at all. Other than that maybe develop his story a little bit more. Add a bit more detail and then he should be good. Also go more into the relationship with his sister too since you didn't mention much of that either.

Skylar: Very cool backstory but go more into psychological issues that a child would have if they did child pageants (there a quite a few) so you can incorporate them into her personality and behavior.

Elliot: Btw he looks super pure, I love his design a lot! Anyways, nothing is really wrong with his character, its pretty detailed and explains everything necessary.

Mia: Its okay the she was a bit rushed but what you have down is good, if you feel like she is very important to the plot then defiantly think about more.

Felix: Nothing really bad can be said. Interesting past that matches his personality/ behavior. You could go into what happened when he was captured again but if that is part of the plot then ignore this.

@Rover3672

@Stargazerwriter78

I'm so sorry this took so long for me to write, school has been a bit of a mess for me.

Either way I love Sereya a lot! I think she is very unique but the name "agent 47 " sounded a bit familiar so I googled it. It is the name of a movie (Hitman: Agent 47). I don't know it it was intentional but just a thing I noticed if it wasn't on purpose. Other than that there really isn't anything bad to say or if anything needs work, great character!

@NotSoBeautifulDiseaster group

Micheal:Michael Kāne
Sophie's brother and the hero of the arc, He gets thrown into the situation purely because his sister having the amulet

Tyler:Tyler Pingree
The head of the school newspaper club, he takes advantage of the harem(love hectagon? idk?) Sophie has to get the amulet

Mason:Mason Crane
A quiet boy helping Tyler to steal the amulet, he thinks that Micheal has it, He has a more straightforward approach to getting the job done

William: William Crowworth
Sophie's homeroom teacher, he wants to destroy the amulet because he thinks it will harm someone

Jaelynn:Jaelynn Corabot
She thinks that Sophie maybe behind the death of her friend since she can use magic

Crystal:Margret Celeste
A girl who saved Micheal from Mason, she claims to be his childhood friend, She wants to give the amulet to Marionette

Marionette: Marionette Hannibal
A mysterious woman near the well, She needs the amulet to extend her life to make her immortal

Stephe:Stephe Kāne
Micheal's and Sophie's mother, she wants to find out what behind her daughter being out so late

Duke:Duke Millerstine
Micheal's and Sophie's father, who fell ill and died before the story took place

Also on a side note how to avoid making the heroes (Will, Tyler, Mason) look like self-righteous prick since they are technically harassing a kid for a necklace his sister has

These next characters were in the second arc but I forget to include them

Colton:Colton Rōtasu
Charlie's dad who got in a car wreck and feel in a coma and got his soul trapped in a bunny

Hasuko:Hasuko Rōtasu
Charlie's mom, She wants to reconnect with her son