"Imagine Annika is standing in a line of girls with medium skintone, brown hair and brown eyes, and similar body shape to her. How would you point her out to a detective?"
Be like "It's me,Lassie! It's me!" and jump up and down. Yep, Annika is legit me. But with braces.
Thank you! I didnt realize how much that I was missing! Is there any way that I could make Otis not as one-sided?
Hi @Lightningclaw13 ! Sorry for this late reply - I'll hopefully get to your characters soon.
hey @Riorlyne I finished that first chapter that you offered feedback on a while ago.
here is the link, since it's quite long.
First draft. I tried to include some of your previous suggestions in there.
This is a prologue about the meeting of the main characters two parents. I am not sure what state it is in.
Elizabeth’s hair was dyed hot pink at the ends, but the rest was deep auburn in color. Her long curls swayed gently across her back as she quickly walked along the unfamiliar path of Phoenix, Arizona.
There were families throughout the park, many children playing on the swingset or sprinting down the abundant pathways of the surrounding the rural desert. A large tree bloomed bright purple in the center of the park leaving petals everywhere and giving the air a smell similar to that of warm honey.
It was a particularly sultry day shown by the sweat soaked into Elizabeth’s navy blue shirt; children also seemed to be aware as many of them were arriving in swimsuits. Elizabeth thought this to be odd as there was no pool or splash pad but she disregarded it quickly, thinking they were sure to have their own reasonings.
She was cutting through the park, heading towards the path she needed to walk on, when it started to rain, or so she thought. A large sprinkler was going off filling the children with excitement as they cooled off in the crisp water. Elizabeth rolled her chocolate colored eyes in disgust. She had a purpose, and it wasn’t finding a cheap way to cool off. She was a special agent for the World Wide Spies in Disguise, or WWSD for short. The agency had recently detected an odd sector that wasn’t showing up on any of their devices, and to top it off there had been several human disappearances in the area. Someone had to be sent in, so they opted for their top agent. A young lady with no living family or loved ones who was willing to risk her life. Naturally, Elizabeth accepted.
Once she reached the pathway she walked for about 20 minutes, clearing over a mile of desert terrain. Finally, upon reaching “the hole in the earth,” as her boss had put it Elizabeth took a step toward the unknown abyss. There was a dramatic temperature drop; what had been 100-degree weather was now a mere 75. The area grew foggy and suspiciously quiet. The ground was full of pliant orange material and a sulfur smell hung in the air. About to step deeper into “the hole,” she saw a man's shadow flickering behind her as if illuminated by a dying candle.
“I wouldn’t go any closer if I were you,” he said, “it’s dangerous, you might fall, like the others.” His voice held an accent, but Elizabeth couldn't quite place it; Even though she had been all over the world.
She quickly spun around in time to see a formally dressed man with impossibly light skin and even lighter hair. He seemed to have stepped out of a black and white movie, as his clothes also held no color. His shirt, a black and grey, short sleeve button down, was peculiarly arranged in floral patterns. Along with this he had freshly ironed black shorts, and gladiator style black sandals. Strapped to his side using a green rope that looked awfully like a living plant, was a glinting sword, dark silver in color, the hilt an odd entanglement of purple flowers. Elizabeth was about to pull out her own gun, but thought better of it. He was not making any attempt to draw his weapon, and she suspected that it would not have much effect on him anyway. When she looked back up at his face she almost leaped into "the hole" from surprise. His eyes glinted in a unnatural purple color, as if lavender and wild indigo flowers were growing uncultivated through his irises, the colors constantly shifting from an imaginary wind.
His tall, skinny frame was strong like he often worked in a gym and regularly fought his own battles. He had smudges of dirt across his knees, elbows, and hands, that contrasted greatly with his pale skin. A thin scar cut across his otherwise unblemished face, highlighting his strong jaw and hollow cheeks. He was much more handsome than most men Elizabeth encountered, he seemed to know it to, the way he held himself in confidence. Perhaps that was his flaw, a horrible personality. Surely, she thought, he would be an arrogant jerk. Someone with this beautiful of an outward appearance couldn’t also be kind. He is here to distract me, he’s muddling my thoughts keeping me from my mission. Another enemy I am trying to vanquish.
His voice suddenly broke the silence, deep, strong, and pleasant in manner. “I actually am not the enemy, believe it or not,” he spoke slowly, “on the contrary I’m here to help, but first, as a show of your trust, I need to know who you are.”
“And I need to know what you're doing here,” she quickly replied,“But I suppose that neither of us are going to get what we want?”
“I am sorry, but you are sadly mistaken miss,” he commented, casually bringing a fresh apple out of his pocket and taking a bite. “I know the answer to both of our questions, I just wanted to see if you would easily give up information.”
“No, I do not give up answers easily, and you sir, do not know who I am,” Elizabeth confidently answered. She had been trained thoroughly and knew that many suspicious looking people would try vigorously to get her to give away her position but she wasn't going to fall for it.
“Are you sure about that, Ms. Elizabeth Maria Livi Cooper?” he asked.
This really took Elizabeth back, because not only did he know her first and last names, but he also knew both her middle name. A secret she didn’t share with anyone, not even the agency. She simply left out Maria when sharing her full name with people.
She may have been shaken on the inside but she didn't want him to know that. “Well, we are never going to have a formal conversation without me knowing what your name is, and as I am not a criminal, I will ask politely. So, what shall your name be sir?”
“Fair enough but you will never believe me.” he spoke, surprising Elizabeth by how easy it was to get his information. “My name is,” he said a word that sounded as if a hive of bees was burying a cow; a combination of buzzes and terrifying deep noises in the background of a sound much like that of a shovel hitting dirt. I could try to spell his name but it would look as if I slammed my face on the keyboard, and besides where he came from they did not have the same alphabet as you and I.
Elizabeth chuckled lightly, she didn’t understand in the slightest, but also knew that he was telling the truth.
The man obviously understood. Of course, she could barely fathom what he had said much less say it. “For now you may call me… Josh? Yes, that will do just fine.”
“Where do you come from?” She asked after some length of silence.
“I come from a land in a different dimension. The closest translation of what my people call that place in your language would be ‘deep rabbit nest’ but that is nowhere near what we describe it as.”
“Okay, Josh, if you live in another dimension then why are you here?” She asked.
“Because…” Josh spoke with urgency in his voice, but was quickly cut off, something was happening. The ground began to shake and rumble, but only in the “hole in the Earth” everywhere else seemed to be perfectly fine, the birds continued to playfully skip from cactus to cactus, and the ground squirrels happily burrowed into the ground, completely ignorant of what was happening nearby.
“Hold this,” He demanded, stumbling around, Elizabeth quizzically took the half eaten apple from him. Josh dug a small hole in the ground pouring a packet of unlabeled seeds into the earth. Instantly the seeds burst leaving what appeared to be grape vines curling around the floor. The rumbling stopped. “That should hold it, for now.”
The two of them continued to talk for hours in the little 75 degree bubble, being careful not to venture deeper into the center. Elizabeth started to fall for the young man, he was confident in every word he spoke as if he knew all the wonders of the world, and perhaps he did. His eyes twinkled in the Arizona sunlight, but also held despair as if he was carrying the weight of the world, a burden to heavy, even for him. He was strong, allowing Elizabeth to feel for the first time in a while, that she could rely on him. Maybe he was from another place, but what stopped her from going with him. She saw a few sign that he might be drawn to her too which she wasn’t used to. Why would someone like him love a spy who had caused the end of countless people's lives, someone who came and went with no strings to tie her down. Then again she also supposed that he was similar. He was from another universe after all, and the sadness in his eyes showed he’d seen hardships as well.
When Elizabeth returned to the agency she reported no problems claiming that it must have been a glitch. She remained in touch with Josh for several years. Until she suddenly passed away.
@Lightningclaw13 - Okeyday, here goes. :)
Ayana
Lily
Karla
Tristan
These questions are not mainly for you to answer here but for you to keep in mind as you continue to develop your characters. :) I hope that they can help!
@Riorlyne - Thank you so much! Before I get into each of them, I just wanted to say I spaced out the backstories into different paragraphs. (I have no idea as to why I hadn't before)
Ayana
Lily
Karla
Tristan
This helps a lot! Thank you so very much!
@Riorlyne - This is a flashback for one of my characters in my project, could you give me feedback on what I could potentially improve in the future?
I stand over him, trembling with the gun in my hand. This is what I've wanted for weeks, but now I regret it. He drugged my sister and then did things to her, I shouldn't not want to kill him, but there's no going back now.
"Mike, come on man, you know I didn't do anything to your sister." He pleads to me. I draw the gun up to him, aiming it directly at his head. "Oh… oh god. Don't… please don't-" and bang. The bullet tore straight through the base his head. I look at the gun and shudder, gallons of adrenaline pumping through my veins. My eyes draw back to his lifeless body, as his brains spew out onto the carpet. The sound of police sirens echo through the streets, getting closer and closer with every passing second. I hear them and rush out of the building. For what seemed like hours, I sprinted through the street, pushing many people out of the way as I still tightly grip the gun in my hands. The cops were right behind me, all of them ordering me to freeze and drop my weapon, but I didn't listen, I just ran. I make my way to an alley and sprint down it at top speeds. Another cop car blocks the end of the alley as the others were still behind me. I stop dead in my tracks and turn around, drawing my gun to them. The cops stop running before taking out their guns.
"Drop it. Now." One of the cops get out of the car behind me, his shotgun directed at me. I weigh my odds and drop the gun, raising both my hands in the air. A cop moves behind me and checks me for any other weapons while another picks up the gun. The cop behind me handcuffs me and begins moving me to the car.
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and–"
"Will be used against you in the court of law." I finish the cop's statement.
He smiles and says, "Smart cookie, this one is." He moves me to the car and places me in the back seat. This is what happens when you look for vengeance, you sit down in a seat of cop car, awaiting to be escorted to the nearest prison. I wonder how my sister's doing, but I don't want to see me. Not like this.
Oh and on mine about her parents meeting, I think that it is not a rough draft as I have read it through and edited it several times along with having some other people read it through.
Thank you so much I really appreciate it.
@Lara - All right, here's a Google doc with some inline grammar edits and comments. More general feedback below.
If the spy agency is going to be a big part of your story, I would recommend working on Elizabeth's personality and mannerisms so that this scene flows in a way that's a lot more plausible for your readers.
Thank you so much, its kind of hard because the rest of the story is in the perspective of her daughter in the future. I was trying to not give things away. I will take your comments into account, thank you so much.
@"Write Like You're Running Out Of Time" I was bored and reading through critiques, (dang you go @Riorlyne, great critiques) and I came across some of your amazing writing. I just wanted to give you a little nitpicky military thing (since I'm guessing you were going para-military Army/Air Force) for an added air of authenticity. So when directly addressing a superior officer a subordinate, be that a Sergeant (noncommisioned) or lower commissioned officer, would say "Sir" or "Ma'am". You would only use explicit rank when talking about the person when they are not there or introducing them to others, need to distinguish them from other officers, or are mocking them (almost like saying "the only reason I am following you is because of your rank"). Calling them by explicit rank to their face is seen as pretty insulting. However, I think that the Navy (and also Marine Corps) requires the use of explicit rank always so if the organization is more sea faring (but they don't have COLs) then have at it! Also, a lot of officers that I know call other officers they are close with by first name. If you want to know anything else about the military (Army esp.) jut PM me! (this goes for anyone who comes across this)
PS, I tried to PM you, but for some reason your name wouldn't come up in the address bar. Sorry @Riorlyne for hijacking your thread a little.
@LittleBear - No worries! I don’t consider it a hijack at all, and thank you for the compliment!
Btw for PMs, people’s names should come up if you type them without the @ in the address bar (unless they have an added @ in their username). I’ve had that issue myself.
@Riorlyne, you're an angel, thanks!
@"Write Like You're Running Out Of Time" I was bored and reading through critiques, (dang you go @Riorlyne, great critiques) and I came across some of your amazing writing. I just wanted to give you a little nitpicky military thing (since I'm guessing you were going para-military Army/Air Force) for an added air of authenticity. So when directly addressing a superior officer a subordinate, be that a Sergeant (noncommisioned) or lower commissioned officer, would say "Sir" or "Ma'am". You would only use explicit rank when talking about the person when they are not there or introducing them to others, need to distinguish them from other officers, or are mocking them (almost like saying "the only reason I am following you is because of your rank"). Calling them by explicit rank to their face is seen as pretty insulting. However, I think that the Navy (and also Marine Corps) requires the use of explicit rank always so if the organization is more sea faring (but they don't have COLs) then have at it! Also, a lot of officers that I know call other officers they are close with by first name. If you want to know anything else about the military (Army esp.) jut PM me! (this goes for anyone who comes across this)
PS, I tried to PM you, but for some reason your name wouldn't come up in the address bar. Sorry @Riorlyne for hijacking your thread a little.
Oh, thank you! This is something I genuinely did not know. The hierarchy/rank is loosely based on the Army, but it's slightly different since it's post-apocalyptic. So, just to clarify, was the mistake when Nyir referred to Tyfer as "Colonel", or did I just overlook something?
@"Write Like You're Running Out Of Time", yup that's the only thing and that really just stylistic, only military people would notice it!
Would it be weird if a superior referred to someone under them as Colonel, though? Nyir is the General.
So it depends on the commander, but here I've seen generals call officers below them by just first or last name depending on how well they know them. So lets say Gen. Jones is just in the office and needs to know the whereabouts of some troops, she would say "Hey, Steve or (hey Smith) do you have that report for me?" and then Col. Smith would reply with "Not yet Ma'am, the fax machine is broken again…"
The but lets say Col. Smith crashed a tank, she might formally reprimand him with "Col. Smith do you have any idea the millions of dollars you have just wasted!" Or if they are at a fancy function or promotion Gen. Jones might say "Let me introduce you to my colleague/ friend/ whatever Col. Smith."
@Riorlyne would you mind looking at something of mine? This is split up into two excerpts that go hand in hand. I already have a few lovely editors - but I wanted to see if some of the less action-y bits were still engaging to someone who is completely unfamiliar with the characters. So I guess for lack of a better phrase, "Does it suck you in" like if you picked this up at a book store, flipped to a random page would you keep reading or put it back. And of course if I did something grammatically wrong, lmk. Also, I like brutal honesty and this is like 2nd or third draft.
Also side note, Erion calls Eline "Cat" because she can be so temperamental some days and affectionate in others.
Erion -
The moment the carriage door opened, the weight of the world fell off my shoulders. The air was cool and humid, the breeze was gentle, and the road was paved with limestone. The sun did not scorch my skin. But, most importantly, there was no sand. Finally, I was home.
Somehow, I had expected it to change in my absence, but it looked as if I had only left yesterday.
“Lad, your things,” Sangar said as he thrusted my bags at me. One was the standard issue all the apprentices received and the other was the bag I had packed so many years ago. I took them and without another word, he shut the door and the carriage rode off.
Out of curiosity, I opened the clasp and found a few clothes and the roll of parchment, inkwell, and quill. Only now, the parchment was horribly creased, the quill broken, and the ink had dried long ago.
“Erion?” asked a high and musical voice, like a viola. “Erion!”
I turned and saw her. Gods above and below, time had been kind to her. Gone was the pretty girl who tripped over her own feet. In her stead was a beautiful raven-haired creature, tall and willowy, who moved like a dancer as she flew down the stairs. Only those big eyes were familiar to me.
I set my things down, ready to hold her hands in greeting, but Marielle had other ideas. She launched herself at me and I thanked the gods for my training, for our foreheads almost collided. I held her to me and wisps tickled my face as I rested my cheek on her hair. She still smelled of vanilla and oranges.
“Where have you been?” She exclaimed, a little too close to my ear. “It has been so long and I missed you so! I have so much to tell you!” She pulled away from me and it took all of my strength to let her go. The feeling of her against me comforted my bruised heart. It was fitting that she was the first one to embrace me in all this time. It was her face that kept me strong through the grueling training and horrifying tasks. The thought of seeing her smile gave me the will to continue on.
“My mother did not tell you?” It was odd to think that Marielle had seen Mother more than I had.
“She told us that she sent you to study culture across the sea,” Marielle said, her brow furrowed. “But, it was so strange of you to just disappear. Jerlorn and Solin were convinced that you were dead. And Eline, oh Eline was livid with you for the longest time.”
I smiled at her and simply said, “That is more or less the truth. I learned slightly more than culture.”
“Oh, Erion! You know how I hate it when you act so tight-lipped! Tell me all about your adventures,” she scolded as she nudged me.
“Truly, I –”
“Is that Erion?” boomed a rolling baritone.
“By Archanie, it is him!” was the slightly more bass answer. Before I could do a thing, I was bowled over by two hulking men, one with hair as deep as Strician dark roast and the other’s could rival a setting Lianian sun.
“Solin! Jerlorn!” I managed to wheeze from the courtyard floor. “I cannot breathe!”
Laughing, they leapt up off me and pulled me to my feet.
“Where in three hells have you been?” Jerlorn asked. His close-cropped beard suited him well and from the looks of it, it barely covered a new scar on his cheek. “You have missed so much! It felt wrong that you were not with us for all of our adventures.”
“We were both sent to the Lianian badlands,” Solin said.
“Then to the Strician Ocean,” Jerlorn had started to count on his fingers.
“Over the Macraton Mountians –”
Suddenly a window flew open and a blond woman leaned out. “What is all the comot –” Her eyes caught mine and I knew that sharp gaze anywhere. It was Eline. Twenty years or a second later, I really could not say, she disappeared into the depths of the room.
Solin elbowed me and whispered, “Heirokeps have mercy on you.”
“Why would I need him, of all the gods?” I looked away from Eline's window to see him looking quite solemn.
“Eline was a right terror for at least six months after you left,” he said. “She just about tore off all of our heads, one time or another. She missed her best friend.”
I ran a hand through my hair and tried to compose myself.
Marielle grabbed my free hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze, “This was years ago, we have all grown so much since then.”
“Thank you,” I breathed and after a returned squeeze, I made my way inside the palace.
It had not changed in the slightest since I had left. The same velvet runners were laid precisely across the floor and up the staircase, bordered with embroidered braids of all of the house colors. The crystal chandeliers still glittered with light from white candles, up in the lofty rafters. Once I reached the third floor, in the Camile house’s wing, the runners turned to the amethyst of their house gem.
I went to the door that was as familiar as my own and ran my fingers across the engraved plaque on the door. I could still remember the day they put it up, Eline was so proud that she could barely contain herself. It read Eline Camile and underneath it had her family crest and moto, Guardians of Knowledge, Agents of Progress. I knocked gently.
“Enter,” was the quiet answer.
She was a sight. The sun streamed through the open window and set her neatly pinned curls aglow. The breeze played at the gossamer curtains and stirred the gentle air. The only sound was a faint scratching of her quill across what looked like a ledger. She did not look up.
“Cat?” I whispered as I entered and closed the door behind me. The click had a certain finality about it.
“Did you not have a quill and parchment?” At her cold tone, I could not help but think of the first time we met. It had taken me weeks to get her to smile.
“I did,” I lied. How could I tell her that I had been an assassin apprentice in all the time I was gone? Telling her I could not have written her would have just led to more questions. The very thing hurt me to no end, but there were greater things at stake than my feelings.
“Did you become illiterate?” She continued to write.
“I did not.” At this, she finally looked up at me.
“I see that you are still in possession of your hands. So why did you not write me?” she paused and waited for my excuse.
I could not think of anything. I was too busy looking at how she had changed. She still looked like a fairy, but she had grown into herself. Fair had turned to elegance.
She dropped her quill on the blotting cloth and pushed herself to her feet. The scraping of her chair against the floor was deafening.
“Do you have an answer? At all?” Eline asked as she strode up to me. One thing had remained unchanged. She was not afraid to invade a man’s personal space to make a point – which she did by shoving me with all her strength. She pushed so hard that I actually had to take a step back. “Answer me you idiot!”
She spun away from me and went to the window, her infuriated breathing filling the silence. Eline patted her hair back into place and it struck me how adult the movement was.
After what felt like an eternity, I found my voice. “I could not find the words. I wanted desperately to get back and accept you. But mother sent me away the very day you told me how you felt.”
Briefly, I thought about reaching out to touch her. In a way, I did love her and seeing her in pain caused a pang in my own heart. I just did not love her the way she wanted. In the end, I kept my hands by my side. “When I was able to write, I realized that I could not change my feelings. I thought of you, but my heart only yearned for her. I thought that you would be better off if you moved on without me. Kinder.”
She turned to me with piercing eyes and clenched fists. A tear ran down her cheek and the weight of it caused my chest to constrict.
“You were gone for four years.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “I never had a chance, did I?”
“I –”
She held up a hand and cut me off. “I do not want any more excuses. Leave me.”
“Eline –” I made a move towards her.
“I will see you another time Erion.” She moved past me and opened the door. “I need to be at Solin’s side.”
I watched her skirts swing around her as she left.
Side note: Erion finds out that Jerlorn is marrying Marielle and Solin is marrying Eline. He has resolved to try and win Marielle – despite his friendship to Jerlorn.
Erion –
The man was plain in every sense of the word. Even as I was looking at him, I began to forget what he looked like. I suppose that is what made him one of our best.
“Yes, and what did your men find?” I asked.
There was no emotion in his face as he gave his report, “There is an influx of immigrants at our borders. Unfortunately, there is no way to tell exact figures since there are no outposts or checkpoints. The majority of them are family units from Lian, Marcat, and Rondolvo. All of the locations, except the one near Holvim are ideal candidates for your Lady Mother’s projects.”
I made my way to the large map hanging on my wall and looked for the word. “And what is so special about Holvim?” I asked.
“You will not find it on a map, m’lord. The town is much too small for that,” he said as he pointed to a part of the map that looked to be a full week’s ride or more from Estonie. “The community is very small and entirely too interested –”
“Interested?” I interrupted.
“Curious. Our men could not stay longer than two days without raising suspicion,” he finished.
My own curiosity was piqued. Part of me yearned to know what this grand operation was and the other, much wiser, part of me knew that I did not want to know – not in the slightest. In the end, I left it alone.
“Very well, if you would turn please,” I said as I sat down at my desk. I scribbled the down last details of the new report and blew gently on the ink until it faded away. I added it to other stack of seemingly blank parchments, flipped it over and gave the fake medical documents a quick glance, and then slipped it into its envelope. The wax dripped prettily into a opalescent wax blob and it gently warmed my signet ring as I stamped it. “Ensure that my eldest brother gets this before nightfall.”
He took the envelope gingerly and took his leave, as silently as he had come.
Regarding the map again, my mind wandered to my travels. I was lost in thought about the missing Lianian princess when there was a timid knock.
“Enter,” I called and a maid opened the door.
She curtsied deeply and said, “The Ladies Eline and Marielle request your presence in the Vrualti wing.”
What ever could the two of them want with me? Marielle I could see, but Eline? As far as I was aware, she still wanted to flay me alive. “Would you do me the pleasure of showing me exactly where they are? I must confess that I rarely spend time calling upon the artisans,” I bade her.
“Of course, m’Lord” she breathed and we began our way through the winding halls of the palace.
After a time in silence, she dared ask “M’Lord may I speak out of turn?” The poor thing looked as if she was about to pass out from fear of breaking etiquette.
“Speak freely; you will face no reprimand from me.” The words seemed to bring her a little solace.
“All of the palace staff missed your dearly whilst you were away. But it seems as if you have returned in body alone. There is a change about you m’lord and we worry is all. Should there be anything at all that you require, please do let us know.”
I turned and truly took her in. As I had done with so many other servants before, I had forgotten that she was a person beyond the neat palace uniform and perfectly slicked back hair. She was a girl who, despite having painfully little compared to me, was offering aid. “Thank you Miss…” I trailed off.
“Emaline, m’lord. Miss Emaline,” She said with a quick curtsy. “And that brings us to the Vrualti wing. Will you be requiring anything else m’lord?”
“No, you may take your leave,” I said as her words still swirled around in my head. “And again, thank you.”
She smiled kindly and slipped away as an unmistakably shrill voice called out, “Erion! It has been so long!”
“Briness, indeed it has. How have you been?” I asked the Vrualti heir.
“So, so wonderfully busy with the double wedding. The entire palace is alight with anticipation!” She giggled, gesturing wildly. “It seems that everyone, simply everyone must have new wardrobes for the event. Is that why you are here? Have you come for a new doublet?”
“Ah, no Marielle and Eline sent for me.”
A knowing look flashed across her face as she turned and beckoned, “Well come on then, best not to keep those two waiting.”
We turned the corner and came to a room of mirrors; which in and of itself would have made anyone gasp with wonder. However, my eyes were only on the woman on the platform.
“Would you just look at how it flows! I do not believe I have ever seen anything so fine in my entire life.” She spun slowly and indeed the glossy fabric moved with her, pooling around her like water. Lace crept up her arms and around her bodice like a rose vine. And the veil flowed from her hair with an unparalleled air of regality. Briness and her house must have worked for months on the ensemble. She was so lovely that I feared the goddess Jesimae would smite her in a jealous rage.
“Oh Erion, you are here!” She exclaimed as she caught me in the reflection of the mirror. “So what do you think?” she asked, turning to face me. “Do I look like a proper bride?”
In that moment, I could see a future that could have been ours. I would marry her in the grand temple. I would bring her to my noble house and her caring heart would bring light and goodness back into its halls. We would have a hoard of beautiful, adventurous children.
I wanted nothing more than to sweep her up kiss her with all the passion in the world. I wanted to kiss her until my lips were swollen and numb. I wanted to give her the world and my heart and anything she wanted. But, all I could do was mummer, “You look incredible.”
She blushed and gathered my hands in hers. “I just wanted to thank you. My life has changed so much because of you. If you had not helped me at the well, so long ago I would never have met Jerlorn or had these wonderful friends or beautiful gowns,” she giggled abashedly and swished her skirts. “I know it is a little bit silly to love them so much, but I will always appreciate how the silk feels on my skin and how much work went into each piece. It is almost like wearing love itself.”
Eline cleared her throat from the chair.
“Oh! Thank you Eline! I almost forgot. Erion, we have something we want to ask you,” she said as bounced on the balls of her feet. “I mean it was Eline’s idea, but it is just perfection! Seeing as you are the only reason I am here. I would just be so poetic with all of us up there–” she trailed off as if she were imagining it. “So will you?”
“Marielle you forgot to ask him.” Eline deadpanned in her familiar way. For a moment, I felt transported back to our childhood.
“Oh! You are right!” She shook her head and laughed at herself. “Erion, we want you to give us away! Just think of how perfect it would be, all five of us up there at once, like one family.”
It took all of my training to force a smile onto my face. But nothing could stop me from looking over Marielle’s shoulder to Eline. She looked back with cruel triumph in her eyes, her arms crossed defiantly. “You want this too Eline?”
“It was her idea you ninny. I know I said that part!” Marielle laughed.
“It is fitting Erion, do you not agree?” Eline said softly.
I turned back to Marielle and nodded, “I would be honored.”
Marielle wrapped me in a massive hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. How can I ever repay you? You have given me my world!”
I found my voice long enough to say, “Marielle you owe me nothing, all I ask is that you bask in your happiness.”
She kissed both my cheeks and exclaimed, “Oh this is going to be wonderful; I have to go tell Jer.” Without another moment, she gathered her skirts and ran from the room, I could faintly hear her calling out, “Briness, it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, but I must fly and you know who cannot see me like this!”
After she left, I turned to Eline once more and an unspoken thing passed between us. In a way this was warranted, for all of the heartache I had caused her. “I admit that I deserved that. Are you done? Have I suffered enough now?”
Eline briefly looked like she wanted to push me out of a window. “No. However punishing you is exhausting and I would like my best friend back.” She stood up and put her hands out to me and I pulled her into a hug.
“I missed you, Cat,” I murmured into her hair. “And I am sorry for the pain I put you through.”
“I missed you too, but part of me is glad you left.” She pulled away from me. “I have found my happiness in Solin. I truly do love him, and if you had not gone, I do not think I would have let him in.”
@LittleBear - Sure thing, no worries! I’ll get to it as soon as I have the time.
@Riorlyne - could you also look at my first 3 chapters. I would appreciate any feedback - your critiques are amazing!
Genre: Fantasy, adventure, romance - although this NOT the main point
Story Background - In the world of Iomi, females are being kidnapped or offered to dragon like creatures to spare their villages. They are then taking to Na'Syl'Nar(a separate world created by a wizard,O'Rahn) and put into prisons until their human captors find a use for them; which initially it was for breeding. While in the cells, the female prisoners began discovering/improving on powers that they have and it becomes useful when Fallyn, Reesa, and Meryha try to escape.
ch. 1
ch.2
ch.3
Thank you so much!
@Zen - Sorry to take so long, I've finally gotten to your flashback. Inline feedback can be found here.
General Feedback
@LittleBear - Here it is, finally! Many inline bits of feedback can be found via Google docs here. Some of the grammar/flow critiques come with an explanation as to why such-and-such should be changed, so I apologise in advance if I've explained stuff you're already fully aware of. If you have questions about any of my comments, feel free to ask!
I hope my bits and pieces of feedback can be helpful. Let me know if you want me to take a look at any more of your work - I'd be more than happy to!