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Started by @Riorlyne pets
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@WriteOutofTime

Yay! Okay, here it is:

It’d been a while since Dara had a full-fledged panic attack. Sure, she still got anxious, especially in social settings, but it hadn’t been this bad in ages. Rocking back and forth, crying, hyperventilating –all of it.

The mess from the morning’s experiment was still strewn about. She had tried to clean it up, but her shaking hands had been completely useless. Then, when she melted into a puddle of anxiety, all the rest of her had become useless.
Her brain wouldn’t shut up. What if someone was watching her? What if she wasn’t supposed to discover this? What if it was some big secret, some big conspiracy? Why was the Board trying to stop her? Why? Why? Why?

“Squirrelly?” Her twin brother’s voice cut through the frenzied voice in her mind, startling her. She jumped and gasped, scooting back even further into the corner she was curled up in. Daso approached her hesitantly, his hands raised in a placating gesture. “Squirrelly, hey, it’s me. What’s going on?” His voice was quiet and unassuming.

She took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. “It’s…I…the…Dragons… I think someone is watching me. I think someone is actually watching me and I think they’re going to burst in any minute and kill me because I did something wrong but all I did was try to help and now-"

“Shh. Hey.” He crouched so that he was eyelevel with her and smiled one of his gentler grins. “What did we used to do when it got bad like this?”

Dara glared at him. “I’m n-not a child anymore.” She sniffled.

“I am, so eff you,” he replied, holding up his wrist. The bracelet she made him so many years ago swayed with his movement. “You know you want to. C’mon.”

With a bitter scowl, she held up her own wrist, showing off the bracelet he had made for her. Overdramatic as always, Daso slammed his wrist into hers, practically yelling, “Twin bond, activated!” He lowered his voice. “Now. Let’s sync up. Breath with me?”

Rolling her eyes but still out of breath, she managed to listen for his breathing. She made an effort to match her own inhales with his. Finally, her heartrate began to slow, and she could think clearly again. She was dead tired, but at least she was better.

“So, what’s all the fuss about?” Daso asked, sitting next to her with his back against the wall. He was being purposefully calm, and she could tell. He was stressed, too.

She sighed, wiping away sweat and tears from her face. “My research. When I told you I’d been promoted, I actually meant that the Board changed me to a different sector of research to stop me from researching what I was previously researching. I mean it could be a coincidence. Right? Maybe they just wanted to see if I could handle a change like that.”

“So, when you say research,” he said, “you mean the Dragon cell stuff you were doing? What could possibly be wrong with that?”

Dara shrugged, not meeting his gaze. “I don’t know. I hate that I don’t know. Nyir acted like it was some big conspiracy and I’ve honestly never seen her so terrified so I just…don’t know. She told me to clean everything and get out of here as fast as I could. But I…well. You know.”

“Okay.” Daso was still maintaining his calm. “I guess we should grab all this stuff and do what Nyir said. I mean, she’s probably being paranoid. But since you weren’t supposed to be in here, it’s best if we clear out anyway, yeah?”

“Yeah, true.” She hesitated. “Sorry for acting all hysterical. Lots of emotions. Sleep deprivation. Caffeine.”

He shrugged. “You’re always hysterical. I’m used to it.” He grinned and stood up, holding out a hand to her. “Let’s get all this stuff cleaned up. But after that you’ll owe me a favor. Got it?”

“Yeah,” she agreed, rolling her eyes. “Got it.” She accepted his proffered hand and stood up. Her legs were still shaking, but from exhaustion more than fear. Anxiety attacks always tired her out.

The two of them began cramming all of her equipment into boxes. Everything she’d used that wasn’t hers was cleaned thoroughly and placed back to where it used to be. Dara’s hand hesitated over the Dragon eye cells. She needed the evidence, she decided before cramming them into a plastic bag and then into the box.

“Got everything?” Daso asked, carrying one of the boxes.

She nodded, starting to make her way towards the exit. “I think so. Outside security cameras will have footage of our being here, but they can’t prove anything else. I hope.”

“They’ll just think you’re cleaning up for your move to the fifth floor,” he agreed. He followed her to the door, holding it open with his foot as she walked out onto the sidewalk.

In the damp air, Dara felt her mind start to clear. The clinical smell of the lab had not helped her in any way. Now that she could think, she almost laughed at how stupid she’d been acting. There was no weird conspiracy. She didn’t need to be so paranoid.

“Dara.” Daso’s voice was subdued. “Don’t investigate. Keep your head down.”

Dara looked at him, her blood running cold. “What?”

He smiled at her as though to contradict his tone. “I just mean, I know how bad your curiosity gets. I don’t want anything to happen to you, you know?”

She shook her head. She guessed she looked panicked, because he cut her off before she could respond. “Know what? Forget I said anything. I’m just being overprotective.”

He started down the street towards their home, humming under his breath as though he hadn’t a care in the world. It was all a
front, Dara was sure of it. Why would he warn her, then change his mind? No, he must know something. He must at least suspect that she’d be in danger if she pursued this path.

With his blithe singing in her ears and her own tumultuous thoughts swirling about in her head, she continued towards her home. Dread ate at the corners of her mind, and with it, overwhelming curiosity.

Daso was right. She really couldn’t help herself.

@Riorlyne pets

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime Here it is! Comments here are short so as to get this to you more quickly.

Google doc 2

Quick Thoughts

I love your characters! Daso's care for his sister is so touching, and yet he is totally different from Tyfer in the way he does it. I love how they're twins, yet, "I'm not a child anymore," - "I am!" :) That bit in particular really shows a lot about their personalities, and I laughed a bit too loudly for the homework club I was helping supervise. :P

@mckapo

Can you look at the beginning of mine?

PAN

Pulling ever so slightly so as not to tear the entire wing from the small fairy’s back, Pan ground his teeth against the shriek of pain that rattled his eardrums. Pushing past the sudden appearance of his small amount of empathy, Pan pulled again, half of the thin effervescent wing now hanging limply off the fairy. The skin on her back started to swell and small red droplets oozed out of the wound, but Pan was more focused on the fairy’s small face, and the black tar-like tear that squeezed itself out of the corner of her bright blue eye.

Catching is before it slid to the ground, Pan gazed at it feverishly, so incredibly impatient. But first, Pan settled his gaze on the diminutive fairy, just about the length of his palm, whose shoulders were shaking with silent sobs of pain. He leaned forward and gently blew on the fairy, watching as her wing knitted itself back together with a small golden light. It fizzled out when the job was done. The fairy glanced up at Pan, gaze hardened with hatred, yet full of misguided love and worship, and kissed his fingertip, before flying back into the dense forest, fighting against the gusty winds that was Pan’s current mood.

He did hate inflicting pain on the small fairies, who he’d taken an almost instant liking to when he’d first been cursed to this island, but he’d found that fairy tears of pain were the most powerful, and the most intoxicating, and so it was a necessary evil.

Placing the tear on the tip of his tongue, Pan leaned back on the sand of the beach, watching the large dark gray storm clouds thin out until they were small wisps in an otherwise clear blue sky.
He took a deep breath, the wind dying down, the waves beating against the shore calming to a standstill. Calm, everything was now calm.

How long had Neverland been in a state of grief? A state of anger? Days? Weeks? Possibly months. Time moved so differently on this island, that Pan usually forgot how long it had been since he’d been placed on this miserable island. It could have been yesterday, or five hundred years ago; there was no way to tell. No constellations in the sky to give him any point of reference, just the stars of the souls, and that told him nothing.

A gurgle of water made Pan sit up, brushing sand off his clothes. Besides him, no one else dared lounge about the beach shores, for fear of the creatures that lurked beneath the clear water that surrounded Neverland. The souls roamed Skull Rock, the Lost Boys stayed inland, even Hook had his crew scale cliffs when they docked rather than chance a dock on the beach. It made for easy pickings.

Mermaids as imagined on Earth did not exist, at least not in the beautiful lovely way they were often portrayed. They were instead, horrifying and terrible, and Pan admired their ruthlessness and cunning.

Out of the water rose such a creature, masses of tangled seaweed sprouting from her head, large webbed ears that flattened against her head to hear the singing of her sisters, her hands were smooth and sharp, their webbings disappearing as she snaked onto the sand. Her mouth was small, petite, and when she grinned at Pan, two rows of sharp carnivorous teeth flashed at him.

The eyes of the mermaids were what intrigued Pan the most, besides the splitting of the fin to come onto dry land for mere moments of course, as they were incredibly large and doe-like, giving the mermaid a sense of childlike innocence. Before they pulled their victims into the depths of the sea, tearing their flesh from their body, the limbs from their sockets, watching their victim die from drowning or the torture, who could guess, but they liked to witness them die slow painful deaths. With Lost Boys or souls, or even the humans from Hook’s crew, the mermaids had cravings.

“Poppy,” Pan inclined his head to the mermaid, as her fin separated into two legs, complete with scales and barnacles. Not the prettiest site. Poppy hissed at the pain, crawling up next to Pan, her legs still wobbly.

“I found one of your souls,” Poppy smiled, her rows of teeth flashing again, and this time, Peter caught the remnants of a corporeal soul’s cloth gown stuck in the back of her teeth. “Naughty little thing, they seem to have found a way past your defenses. Or perhaps that Captain friend of yours has found a way to release them.” Pan groaned inwardly. Those stupid stupid souls…

Neverland had always been the place where souls that were neither ‘good’ nor ‘evil’ were sent until their fates could be decided upon by the powers that be, but it wasn’t such a friendly place. Pan wondered what it would have been like before he had been sent there; possibly much more nefarious and disturbing. He’d created a base for all souls to stay, at Skull’s Rock, where they were bound by his magic until their Judgment came in. That had been much easier than searching all over the wretched island for a soul that had gotten itself stuck in a sand pit or found its way to the edges of the shoreline. If they could just do what he had told them to do, he wouldn’t have to renew that barrier every goddamned decade.

“I told you I pick the souls for you and your sisters,” Pan snarled, pooling a teaspoon of freshwater into his now cupped hands from the Cannibal Cove Pool of Madness. He flung it at Poppy and she writhed in pain, every droplet that landed on her burning into her salty scale covered skin, bubbles forming and popping, oozing with golden liquid. “You do not have free reign here.”

“It is not my fault if you fail to do your duty,” Poppy spat, wiping at the blood that leaked from her mouth. “And the souls you pick for us are old and weak. We want fresh souls, maybe even one of those wraiths you keep locked up in the fairy tree.”

Pan balled up his fists and stood, gripping Poppy by the ends of her seaweed hair. It was slimy and covered in algae. He stalked towards the edge of the water and threw Poppy back to the shoreline. The moment she hit the saltwater her wounds closed and her feet fused together, once again a gnarled looking fin. “I’ll have your souls in a fortnight. Do not touch any others until that time, or you will be answering to me.”

Poppy stared at him, a sly smile on her dark green face. Of course, Pan had no actual power over the mermaids, but he knew they saw him as a threat, as someone with a mind like their own. Though, if he crossed into Mermaid’s Cove, he knew he could just as easily be ripped to shreds like the other unfortunate souls that had done so before. “Is it your time to visit the world once again? We are agreed, Pan. I will tell my sisters.” Poppy’s head slowly disappeared under the water, her fin splashing at the surface before she was gone from sight.

“Pan! Those fucking souls are out again!”

Frowning, Pan turned back to the forest outline, where his first in command, Tamaerean, hollered out to him. Tam was… energetic, to say the least. Out of all the Lost Boys Pan had created over the years, Tam had been with him the longest. He wasn’t the first, but he had been alongside Pan for many years, and had danced around the edges of insanity as their time went on. The transition from wraith to Lost Boy was difficult and strenuous, and more often than not Pan had to dissolve the mindless creatures in the Pool of Madness, as they were too far gone to make the mentally exhausting change; but Tamaerean had been a different case. He’d held onto his anger, his vengeance far longer than any other Lost Boy, but he hadn’t gotten lost in the process, and had come out better than the others.

Reaching into his leather bag he had on him at all times, Pan tossed a small handful of fairy dust over his head, the small specks of gold fusing into his skin upon contact. He pushed off the ground lightly, a sense of weightlessness washing over him, and glided over to Tam, the boy’s wolfish face staring up at him eagerly. Bramwë said it was a side-effect of their relationship to Pan, the animalistic qualities his Lost Boys gained over the years, as he was a nature god, and with nature came the animals, the beasts of the wild. Over time, the Lost Boys became less human-like, and more like the horrid beasts that roamed Neverland at night. Perhaps that was their fate, and perhaps he cared more about it than he would have liked to admit.

“Take this, gather up the souls, and fix the barrier. It should hold until I renew the Tree tomorrow night,” Pan said to him, tossing Tam the second leather pouch he always carried with him, the magical concoction he and Bramwë made every few weeks from the Pool of Sadness; a mixture of fairy dust, fairy tears, wraith souls, and Pan’s own inherent nature magic. Tam nodded, the large ever-present smile on his face rivaling that of a mermaid’s. His canines and molars were all pointed now, and added with the fact that Tam could smile wider than Pan previously thought impossible, it gave him an unsettling look. If he were anyone else, Pan would have possibly been frightened, but there was nothing that could frighten Pan now except his own mind, and that was where he lost.

“Yes sir,” Tam said, turning to leave, back into the forest, where the Lost Boys had set up camp near the Fairy Tree. “Are you… going to Hangman’s Cliff?”

“Yes,” Pan said quietly, and Tam nodded solemnly, his eyes downcast.

“I’ll have Cass ready to go, and Tiva and Markov will take watch tonight,” Tam said, reaching into his pocket and throwing a handful of golden dust over his head. He lifted off the ground, gave Pan a salute, and headed towards the Fairy Tree that grew in the middle of the Neverland island.

@Riorlyne pets

@mckapo - All right, I've read and commented, and here's the doc I've put it in: Beginning of Pan

General Feedback

  1. Worldbuilding - I really love the twist you've put on Neverland. You've put a lot of thought into your mermaids and Lost Boys and I assume the other inhabitants too, although we haven't gotten to meet them yet, so well done! I would suggest however that all the origin info, for the souls and Lost Boys particularly, does not need to happen in the first few pages. It dilutes the urgency of needing to round up the souls. I think it's fine to describe Tam as wolfish, with a large grin and pointed teeth, without needing to go into how a Lost Boy is made. That might better fit in a more relaxed moment.
  2. Pan's character - this might be what you're going for, but the first we see of Pan is very dark. He's torturing innocent creatures to feed his addiction, and the reader is given no reason for the addiction or how it affects him. I think this may make it harder for your readers to relate to Pan, and if he is the main character, you want them to be able to relate to him. I would suggest restructuring the scene, as I'll lay out below.
  3. Scene flow - there are three main sections to this scene - Pan getting fairy tears, Pan talking with Poppy, and Pan talking with Tam. All work okay on their own but because you've wrapped each one up individually they don't seem linked together. This is my suggestion for linking them:
    • Start with Pan having captured the fairy. HOWEVER, have him be interrupted by Tam telling him the souls have got out, and in the distraction, the fairy gets away, and Pan doesn't get his tear. This way, the fairy scene is not resolved (Pan still needs that Pain tear, dammit) and immediately you've got two conflicts engaging your readers - Pan's mood and the escaped souls. When Pan finally does get his hands on a tear, your readers will have experienced how Pan feels without one, and though they probably won't agree with his methods they will at least understand why he's driven to it. Also, if tears of pain are supposed to be analogous to mood-altering drugs, Pan will be unnaturally calm after one. As it is now Pan gets pretty miffed with Poppy right after ingesting the tear and thus the tear's effects don't seem very potent (or worth the guilt suffered to acquire them).
    • Have Pan encounter Poppy on his way to Hangman's Cliff. Her 'I found one of your souls' will feel more gloating and be more irritating to Pan, and because his mood has not just been reset to 'calm' via fairy tear, his frustration will feel more natural.
    • Have worldbuilding elements like how Lost Boys are created and how the souls-in-limbo system operates later on, in less active moments of the story. :)

@mckapo

@mckapo - All right, I've read and commented, and here's the doc I've put it in: Beginning of Pan

General Feedback

  1. Worldbuilding - I really love the twist you've put on Neverland. You've put a lot of thought into your mermaids and Lost Boys and I assume the other inhabitants too, although we haven't gotten to meet them yet, so well done! I would suggest however that all the origin info, for the souls and Lost Boys particularly, does not need to happen in the first few pages. It dilutes the urgency of needing to round up the souls. I think it's fine to describe Tam as wolfish, with a large grin and pointed teeth, without needing to go into how a Lost Boy is made. That might better fit in a more relaxed moment.
  2. Pan's character - this might be what you're going for, but the first we see of Pan is very dark. He's torturing innocent creatures to feed his addiction, and the reader is given no reason for the addiction or how it affects him. I think this may make it harder for your readers to relate to Pan, and if he is the main character, you want them to be able to relate to him. I would suggest restructuring the scene, as I'll lay out below.
  3. Scene flow - there are three main sections to this scene - Pan getting fairy tears, Pan talking with Poppy, and Pan talking with Tam. All work okay on their own but because you've wrapped each one up individually they don't seem linked together. This is my suggestion for linking them:
    • Start with Pan having captured the fairy. HOWEVER, have him be interrupted by Tam telling him the souls have got out, and in the distraction, the fairy gets away, and Pan doesn't get his tear. This way, the fairy scene is not resolved (Pan still needs that Pain tear, dammit) and immediately you've got two conflicts engaging your readers - Pan's mood and the escaped souls. When Pan finally does get his hands on a tear, your readers will have experienced how Pan feels without one, and though they probably won't agree with his methods they will at least understand why he's driven to it. Also, if tears of pain are supposed to be analogous to mood-altering drugs, Pan will be unnaturally calm after one. As it is now Pan gets pretty miffed with Poppy right after ingesting the tear and thus the tear's effects don't seem very potent (or worth the guilt suffered to acquire them).
    • Have Pan encounter Poppy on his way to Hangman's Cliff. Her 'I found one of your souls' will feel more gloating and be more irritating to Pan, and because his mood has not just been reset to 'calm' via fairy tear, his frustration will feel more natural.
    • Have worldbuilding elements like how Lost Boys are created and how the souls-in-limbo system operates later on, in less active moments of the story. :)

THANK YOU

@Riorlyne pets

@Annika - All right, here goes! :)

Otis

  • Overview: For nicknames, do you mean 'O-bo' as in the musical instrument? If so, it's spelled 'Oboe'.
  • Looks: For body type, there are many, many different types that can be considered healthy, and your readers will have different opinions on what 'perfect' is. Think about what shape he is - does he have long legs, short legs, does he still have a bit of baby fat or is he basically a twig, he probably hasn't hit puberty yet but which adult shape is he growing toward (some common male adult body shapes)? Also, identifying marks tend to be more permanent than a bruise. If you rounded up all the green-eyed, auburn-haired 12-year-old boys in his town, how would you point out Otis to me?
  • Nature: With Mannerisms, when does he lick his lips? When he's nervous, thinking, sad, …? You can probably add more to this section, especially since he's your main character. Each of the subheadings in this category could have a bit more in it. A well-rounded character will have more than one flaw or talent, and I think you should add some hobbies. What does Otis do in his free time?
    His personality is ISFJ-T which is a good start. You could read these pages to get some ideas for an ISFJ personality if you're a bit stuck: ISFJ Personality.
  • Social: If his religion is going to factor into the story at all, it might be helpful to say which denomination and how seriously Otis takes his religious beliefs. If it's just things like celebrating Christmas, what you've got is fine.
  • History: More backstory! Where does he live? Did he enjoy being homeschooled? How did he adjust to the transition to public/private school? How did he meet Annika and why is she his best friend? What about his depression, when did he have it and why does he not have it now? (FYI, depression is rarer in kids before puberty, affecting roughly 2%). What's his relationship like with his brother?

You've got a great start with Otis here but overall I feel that you can develop his character a lot further. These character sheets are a great tool for you as a writer - the more you know about him and his personality from the start, the more he'll come to life in your writing. :)

Abram

  • Overview: In nicknames, do you mean "Father Abraham"?
  • Looks: "he shaves every little hair that he sees so that he can feel like a man." LOL!
  • Nature: Again, this is the most important section to flesh out.
    • Mannerisms: when does he play with his hair? What does he do when he's feeling different emotions?
    • Motivations: Is his primary goal in life for Otis to be in pain? That seems a bit sadistic, but if that's the case, you NEED to know why he hates Otis. The reader doesn't necessarily have to know, but you do. What motivates him to work at his job and go to school? (I'm guessing he doesn't go to work 'to hurt Otis'.) Seeing as he's also the school bully, I'm guessing he's more likely motivated by gaining power over others and being in control.
    • Flaws: What are his character flaws? Is he impatient, driven by his emotions, insecure, etc.
    • Personality: Flesh this out. To be a 3-dimensional person, Abram should have some qualities that can be used in a positive way as well as all the negative. Maybe he's a good planner. Maybe he's clever with words, or resilient, or always finishes what he starts.
  • History: Why was he held back a year? Also, remember that Otis and Abram have the same set of parents. Obviously siblings are not all carbon copies of each other, but they've got one complete jerk of a son and one who's the complete opposite. Do they simply sit back and watch Otis get beat up by his brother?

Abram seems a bit one-dimensional - the 'bully' character. Everything about him points back to this, even his favourite animal and pet tarantula. Real people are a lot more nuanced than this. If you've read Harry Potter, think about Dudley - yes, he was a bully, but he was more than just a bully and we can see where his bad character traits came from (spoilers: they were constantly reinforced by his parents). I would say Dudley was motivated by wanting to be the one in charge and constantly have his way, and sometimes this led to hurting others directly.

All in all, I would recommend developing Abram more.

@Riorlyne pets

@Lightningclaw13 - Here goes!

Kaden

  • Overview: It could be helpful to put how Kaden got those particular nicknames, especially those that aren't derived from his given name (Tiger, Captain, etc.)
  • Looks: Is there a reason Kaden chooses non-human features like grey sclera and orange hair when he appears human? He will look non-human to those around him. How did he get his scars?
  • Nature: "Apologizes to Talia for what he did when they're alone" isn't exactly a mannerism. Is this something he constantly does when (happy/sad/nervous)? If not, it might better fit under backstory.
    Why does he enjoy learning about human culture if he hates all humans?
  • Social:
    • Religion: Agnosticism is the belief that nothing is known or can be known about the existence of God/Deities, etc. But Kaden formerly worshipped the Dark Being and was created by the puppet of the Dark Being. Does he actually believe that the Dark Being doesn't exist?
    • Occupation: Is Kaden still working on destroying the world? From his backstory it seems he's abandoned that way of life.
    • Languages: It's cool that you're using an existing language for the demon characters! If you're planning on publishing your work though, you should make sure Enochian isn't copyrighted anywhere.
  • History: (Adding paragraphs to the background information would make it a lot easier to follow) I have some questions and suggestions below for making the backstory clearer.
    • You have a lot of information about how Kaden tortured the first young man. If this guy is not important to the story, consider being more brief so the more significant events in Kaden's backstory stand out.
    • Why does Kaden leave his victims alive, especially since he was created to "kill those who oppose his creator"?
    • Can Kaden be killed? He is listed as immortal.
    • Would Talia not already know that Kaden is non-human, as he previously burned her hands with his electric powers? (Also because of his choice of hair and eye colours?)
    • The 'innocent girl cures evil boy of his evilness through the power of Love/Forgiveness' can be a cliché if not handled well. Think about why Kaden changes. How did he and Talia become friends? What do they have in common? How strong is his urge to kill those who oppose his creator, and does it cause conflict with his feelings for Talia? What happens to his love of torturing people? Does he still have any loyalty to Tristan?
      Also, how does Talia know how to heal a demon?
  • Health: Kaden seems more sadistic than masochistic as from what I read he derives pleasure from hurting people, but it doesn't look like he enjoys people hurting him.

Altogether I can tell you've put a lot of thought into Kaden and his backstory. I think a little more development around how he changes after meeting Talia would help us to understand his character better.

@Riorlyne pets

@Lightningclaw13 - Next one!

Mina

  • Looks: Again, is there a reason Mina chooses to look non-human when she could probably get closer to humans to destroy them if she looked human?
  • Nature: I understand that Mina was created by Tristan/Dark Being and therefore may not have a well-rounded personality, but it seems a little strange for everything in this section to revolve around her sexuality. Also, sex requires a partner, and none are mentioned here. She thinks humans are inferior so it seems unlikely that she would seduce them. From her profile I'm guessing she was created to be Tristan's partner?
    Mina's personality traits and flaws seem to contradict each other. It would be good to clarify how she is arrogant and allocentric, and venomous while being cheerful and uncomplaining.
  • Social: Mina's occupation is listed as "Destroyer of the World" yet in her backstory it is unknown why she was created. These don't seem to match.
    How is her body her favourite weapon? Do you mean like martial arts (if so, which style), or her looks (if so, how does she use them as a weapon)?
  • History: It may not be revealed in-story why Mina was created, but it is important for you, the author, to know this.
  • Sexuality: I'm unsure whether it would be within character for an aromantic person to constantly flirt and enjoy reading romance novels, but as I am not aromantic, I can't be the judge of that one.

At the moment it seems like a lot of Mina revolves around her liking sex. That's fine to include in her personality and could make sense if she was created for that purpose, but if you intend for her to be a well-rounded character she probably needs a bit more substance.

@Riorlyne pets

Xylas

  • Looks: How does Xylas have heterochromia if they can change all aspects of their appearance at will? Also, I would nearly expect them, as the demon that is most interested in humans, to be the one who would change their appearance to most resemble humans, but their hair is green and skin grey, and their eyes different colours. Why is this?
  • Nature: Welllll… seeing what the other demon has done to humans I'm not surprised Xylas thinks humans hate them. XD
  • Social:
    • Occupation: Destroyer of the world doesn't seem to fit with everything else Xylas likes doing. Are they still in that job? Or do they do something else with their life now?
    • Weapon: Shapeshifting is good, but which animal/weapon?
  • History: How is Xylas so sympathetic to humans when, like Kaden and Mina, they were created to destroy the world and be loyal to the Dark Being? Did something go wrong? Why was Xylas created hastily? How did they get their scars?
  • Health: Where did Xylas's IED come from? They seem otherwise rather docile.
  • Clothes: Why does Xylas wear a suit?

(Also, I am not well-practised with using they/them in the singular, so I apologise for any slip-ups I may have made.)

@Lightningclaw13 group

@Riorlyne

Kaden
Overview: It'll be explained how in the story I'm making for him.

Looks: Orange hair isn't really a strange hair color in my universe. He used to have his sclera white but when he got his scars, he gave up on trying to hide it. (His scar color is dependent on what color his sclera is) His visible face scar is from Talia when she found him in the woods. His other scar will be explained in the story.

Nature: It happens when he gets sad. (Sometimes he'll just start thinking about it and will get sad from that.) Everything he learns about human culture is from her understanding and how she views things. That's why he's ok with it.

Social

  • Religion: Ok, I changed it to Apatheism, because he knows they exist but just doesn't really care anymore. He wants to live for himself, gods or no gods.
  • Occupation: Oh, I forgot to change that! Formally he was but now he's just looking out for Talia and himself. (It's not really an occupation)
  • Languages: From what I can tell, it's not. It was made back in the late 16th century.

History: I'm gonna do that for all my characters! I have no idea why I didn't in the first place.

  • He will be important!
  • I changed it to "kill or weaken (emotionally/physically) those who oppose his creator"
  • He can only be killed by either of the gods of the world. He can still he but though.
  • I should have said this but, magic is not just for demons in my universe. Humans could have Electricity Magic. Also, he disguised himself when they met the first time and until he attacked her. (I added that in by the way) And at that time, he had no scars on his face and both of his eyes were visible (and normal looking).
  • Most of this will be explained in my story (or a short spin-off story). I will say his urge to kill and torture is very much still there. He can hold it off to a point but sometimes will go off and kill, which Talia hates. (They actually have a huge fight over it.) They do eventually find a better way he can get these urges out, by killing/torturing those deemed criminals. He has no loyalty to Tristan at all. Kaden's will to defend him is still there but it doesn't make him wanna go back to him.
  • She more so just cleans the cuts. She wasn't gonna take him to a healer because they'd refuse to help a demon. I changed it "help him" instead of "heal him".

Health: He does, he just doesn't really like to show it. (It was more prominent when he worked for Tristan.) But from reading just that, it does seem he's just sadistic.

Thank you! I've tried too.

Mina
Looks: As I said with Kaden, strange hair colors aren't really strange in my universe. People still dye their hair so it's normal. The only thing that really gives her away is her teeth and if people look closely at her hands.

Nature: Yes, but she's honestly a whore. But she doesn't do it just for her own pleasure (though a big a part of it is) she gets information from these people. She also has a "friends with benefits" thing going on with Kaden (before he left). Tristan is her main guy though. As for her traits, she's venomous toward humans and allocentric toward Tristan.

Social: It's unknown to the heroes. Same with her other job, getting info out of people.
It's her looks. She flaunts off her body and can get basically anything she wants from people. (Not really with demons though)

History: I changed it to where her job, "She spends a lot of her time getting information out of others by seducing them or by other means. She might kill them afterward, depending on who they are, how high up they are and how much information they gave her" is shown.

Sexuality: Honestly, I've had a hard time trying to pinpoint what she would be. I think now I can say she's just completely pansexul and panromantic. She doesn't want any relationship though, except with Tristan. They're not really in one but she wants to be.

For me, I think she's one of the harder characters to write/think of things. I do hope to make her a little rounded but not completely. Thank you though!

Xylas
Looks: Their heterochromia is due to them being created in a rush. They do when they're out and about. (But not when they get their scar) Though, at one point, they just stop doing that to show that not all demons are bad.

Nature: Yeah Xylas, the rest of your race are jerks. XD

Social

  • Occupation: I put that as formally. Now, they don't really have a "job" per-say. Just somewhat helping the heroes.
  • Weapon: A wolf, most of the time! (omg i just realized i made them a furry)

History: It was do to their hasty creation. When Tristan realized Kaden wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, he thought he'd made another demon. But as he had many things going through his mind, he rushed it.
How they got their scars will be explained/shown in the story.

Health: Their rushed creation.

Clothes: They think it makes them look professional.

It's fine! I slip-up too sometimes.

Again, thank you for the critiques! They helped a lot!

@JordenMor

This is my main character and her sister getting breakfast on the way to school.

On the way to school is Galaxy of Glee, the best tea place around. I
like the poetry nights there. So much creativity! Anyways, Galaxy of Glee is
so good. They have every kind of tea someone could think of. If they don’t
have it, they’ll get it within a month or make it! There’s never been an issue
there, as far as I’m aware of. Every month, I see a jar to donate money and
every month, it gets filled up.
So when Mariana and I get there, I’m jumping with joy. On the
outside, it looks like a cute little rinky dink cafe. Traditional wood helped
create a friendly entrance. On the inside, 16 tables were scattered about the
floor. Being shorter than average at my age, everything felt bigger. To me,
the whole place felt like it was for elves or giants! Calm, earthy tones
helped compliment the ideas, it’s purpose and those it attracted! I loved
seeing it so much. There was a Poet’s Tree on the south wall, a Tree of Life
on the north wall and a children’s area on the East end. Galaxy of Glee
was a 24/7 place. The only time they were closed was when it was a pagan
holiday, though I could never remember which one was in each place.
I went up to the counter and smiled. The kind lady, who I called
Mama Tera, was there. She was already making Mariana’s vanilla chai tea
latte. Mariana always got the same thing.
“Alli dear, what would you like?” Mama Tera’s voice was as smooth
as ever.
“Something minty and chocolatey please.” I began to get out my wallet
when she spoke again.
“No need, dear. You come here so often. This one is on the house.”
Mama Tera went to make my tea. “So, Allania, See any boys you like
yet?”
“Not yet. I got to talk to my soulmate this morning though.”
“Oh really? He or she?”
“No sure. I can’t wait to be able to say ‘Hello. My name is Allania
Reynova Luebke.’ That would be amazing.”
“Dear, you still dream too big.”
“Oh. I forgot. Sorry.” My voice went quiet, remembering Mama Tera’s
lesson.
Mama Tera had talked with her soulmate for 20 years and then…it
stopped. Later, she found out her soul mate had been killed. She hasn’t
found a new match yet and that was 10 years ago.
Mama Tera gave me my tea and grinned.
“Sweetheart, it’s ok. People do forget me easily. Just relax and do good
in school. Build your home.”
I grabbed the drink before heading out with Mariana.

I know it's short but it's a snipit.

@Riorlyne pets

@JordenMor - Okay, here goes! Inline feedback on this Google doc here, and more general comments below.

  • Tense: Make sure you tell your story using a consistent tense. Flipping back and forth between past tense and present tense can be confusing to the reader.
  • Soulmates: Sounds like you've got some interesting elements relating to soulmates in your story! I take it that people can somehow communicate with their soulmate but not actually meet them? It would be interesting to see your twist on the topic. Make sure that you've got a solid idea of how it works in your world, because that will help you get it across in a realistic way to your reader. You don't want to have an infodump giving the reader all the information all at once, but I think that the conversation between Alli and Mama Tera could benefit from the reader knowing a little bit more about how soulmates work in your world.

@Riorlyne pets

Hi @Born_Confuzzled_Chameleon ! I notice that I've already critiqued your characters Otis and Abram before, so I will only have a couple of comments for them.

Otis

  • Identifying marks: Again, bruises are not permanent. What makes him look different from other boys his size and colouring?
  • Nature: Add to his flaws, mannerisms, prejudices, hobbies, and talents. Think about the people you know. They have more than one flaw or thing they're good at, right? So should Otis. Also, keep in mind that people often have hobbies that they're not particularly talented in, or are good at things they don't necessarily want to do, so although hobbies and talents often line up, that's not always the case.
  • Politics: Good start. How does his view of violence = bad, kindness = good play out when things get more complex? Does he think war is bad? What about someone punching someone in self-defence? Does he object to the death penalty? What about kindness - how would he view a teacher who shows kindness to someone he knows to be a bully behind the teacher's back?
  • Backstory: I would suggest doing a bit of research into depression to find out how it affects boys of his age and what the recovery process is. I'm not an expert on the subject so unfortunately I can't give you particular help here.

Abram

  • Mannerisms: When does he play with his hair? What are the little things he does when he's angry, nervous, happy, embarrassed, scared, etc.
  • Motivations: Again, you as the author need to know WHY he hates Otis. Does he resent the fact that Otis gets more attention from their parents? Does he think Otis is weak? Does he have unresolved anger and hate towards someone else and he's able to take it out on Otis without consequences?
  • Politics: How does Abram decide whether a person is good or bad? Does he base his judgments on looks? Weath? Strength? Intelligence? (probably not kindess) How much they respect him?
  • Backstory: Why does he resort to bullying? Kids tend to not bully just out of nowhere. Think about all the examples of bullying we have from the Harry Potter franchise: Dudley bullies because of his father's bad example and his parents giving in to his every whim. Malfoy bullies because he thinks he's better than halfbloods/muggleborns (due again to his father's bad example), and he's spoiled. James Potter bullies because it amuses his friends and gets him attention - he also probably justifies his bullying because it's directed at people he thinks are worse than him. Snape bullies partly because he grew up in a love-poor family and was bullied himself at school, and doesn't deal with his anger and grief appropriately. I've simplified the reasons quite a lot but I'm sure you can see that bullying and 'being evil' doesn't just pop up one day just because.

Annika

  • Identifying marks: Imagine Annika is standing in a line of girls with medium skintone, brown hair and brown eyes, and similar body shape to her. How would you point her out to a detective?
  • Motivations: What does living life well mean to Annika? Being good? Making money and living comfortably? Changing people's lives for the better? Having fun? Staying healthy? Not many people would want to 'live life badly', so you need more detail on this.
  • Prejudices: I'm not sure what you mean by this. If by style you mean fashion (like hair and clothes) is she prejudiced against people who don't dress conservatively (e.g., people who dye hair pink, have multiple piercings, tattoos, dress like the opposite sex, uneven haircut, rips in jeans, etc.)? Because not all members of the LGBT community dress like this, and not everyone who dresses like this is a member of the LGBT community. And what does she assume about them? A prejudice is a 'preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience'. So, for example, a realistic prejudice for a character might be 'John believes people who don't speak English are unintelligent' or 'Suzy believes people who own guns are violent' or 'Boris assumes that women can't be good at math'.
  • Talents, hobbies: She would probably have more than one. The more detail you can give her, especially as she's your main character, the better.
  • Personality type: Is she an introvert or an extrovert or somewhere in between? How easily does she express her feelings? Is she observant? How easily does she pick up on the feelings of others, and how does she react to them? Is she more of a planner, or more spontaneous? Does she keep her thoughts to herself, or does she share them? Does she make choices rationally or based on emotion?
  • Backstory: It's unclear whether Annika is still homeschooled and whether she has any other siblings. Does she have friends other than Otis? Also, why did her parents choose to homeschool her?

You've got a good start to Annika. :) I would recommend adding more detail to bring her to life, especially in the categories in the Nature tab (personality, etc.)