forum Offering Feedback (5/5 - CLOSED for now, check back later)

Started July 12, 2018 by @Riorlyne pets

tune

EDIT:

Spots Open/Filled

1. LittleBear
2. Relsey
3. Mackbyst
4. Little Bear
5. Moxie

---

Hello writers! I have some free time on my hands and would love to offer assistance by offering feedback on writing. :) Let me know if you'd like some!

Just a couple of points:

• Nothing at the idea stage, please. This is simply because the most boring, clichéd idea can be amazing if well-written, and having the best idea in the world is no use if it's presented in a terrible way. Because it all depends on what an author does with the idea, I prefer not to give feedback on things at the idea stage. Plots with a moderate level of detail are fine, but something along the lines of "misunderstood half-orc learns magic to defeat army of tabby cats" is too open-ended.
• Let me know what stage the writing is at. If it's a first draft, I would look more at things like characterisation and flow, whereas if you consider it close to finished, I would pay a closer look at grammar and spelling.
• I live in Australia. Being upside-down and all, my replies might not be at a friendly hour for your timezone, but if the thread title still says (OPEN), I will reply!
• I will try my best to give balanced feedback, but if you'd prefer a more gentle approach (or conversely, brutal honesty) don't hesitate to let me know.
• I will reply in a comment to this thread unless you specifically request that I send feedback in a private message. :)

Hi, @Riorlyne! Would you mind taking a look at my opening scene?

I'm not really sure what stage it's at? My story is still a wip, but this is a few months old so the writing is a bit more eh than my more recent stuff. I've had it gone over for edits a few times but I thought I'd get as many different points of view as I could. Sorry, I know this isn't the level of specification you wanted.

I.

It starts the way many things start, with a dark night and a large vat of bubbling, potentially radioactive fluid.

The compound is dark, an eerie silence filling Alexander’s head. The sound of footsteps and scuffling ring in his ears. His eyes are open, but he can’t see much of anything through the thick burlap, anyways. Hands weight against his shoulder and his upper arm, large and heavy. Flashlights shine stabbing-bright on the pavement, cutting through the black. Shadows leap, exaggerating the size of the three teenage boys who drag a fourth along, kicking and struggling to break free.

Alexander wonders how he the hell he got himself into this situation, with a gag in his mouth and a bag over his head, being marched into a huge empty compound late at night. He wonders why thought it was a good idea to interrupt the drug deal he stumbled upon in the back alley while taking the trash out at work. He wonders what he thought he was doing, when he froze mid-step and gave the drug dealers time to notice him before he ran back in to call the police. He doesn’t wonder why he thought it was the right thing to do. No, what he wonders is why he thought it was a good idea. At this point, it’s abundantly clear to him that it was not. He’s outnumbered three to one and he doesn’t have his phone. Alexander has never been weak, but he certainly isn’t strong and that’s what he needs to be in order to get out of this.

That, or really smart. He might be able to pull off smart. Alexander stops struggling.

“Givin’ up already, princess?” One of them leers. He hears another snicker to his right. He grits his teeth and says nothing.

“Shut up, Jax,” a third voice growls from in front of them. Alexander can practically hear the smirk crawling onto his face when he says, “we’re here.”

The hands on his shoulder and bicep tighten, shoving him forwards roughly. He grunts, hands balling into fists, knuckles gone white with the effort of keeping himself from turning around and punching Jax in the face.

(Calm, Alexander, his brain soothes him. We’ve got to be smart, remember? Punching this bastard’s face off does not fall under the ‘smart’ category).

Alexander’s hands loosen again at his sides. He breathes slow, calming breaths through the gag. Well, as calming as breaths through a gag can be made.

He’s being shoved again, steered by those hands clamped on him, solid like steel. He’s stumbling up stairs that clang and vibrate under his feet when he trips and his foot slams down particularly hard. His hands find a cool metal railing. He has no idea what’s going on.

(So much for being smart, his brain scoffs. Shut it, he snaps).

He can hear a bubbling sound akin to that of a boiling pot of water. The air is thick with the smell of sulphur and rust and Alexander wrinkles his nose.

The bag is jerked violently off his head and his eyes fly open, blinking rapidly. There’s a large, dimly flickering light above what appears to be—“Oh, hell no,” Alexander says. Or at least, he tries to. It comes out more as “aw, heh oh,” but this kidnappers seem to get the message as the one with the short brown hair to his right—Karson—sniggers again. (So he was the giggly one earlier, his brain supplies helpfully).

In front of Alexander lies a huge vat of bubbling…fluid. Alexander doesn’t know just what type, but he’s not too eager to find out. He has a sneaking suspicion, however, that it’s highly radioactive.

(Gee, wonder what gave that away, his brain says dryly, maybe the huge bright yellow warning sign on that pole? Sometimes Alexander really hates his brain).

“Wi wam wot hetting in ere,” Alexander says resolutely.

“What was that, princess?” Jax asks, leaning in. His breath is hot on Alexander’s ear and it smells disgustingly of alcohol.

Alexander shoves Jax off of him and yanks down his gag.

“I said,” he says, glaring at Jax, “I am not getting in there.” He points to the giant tank of accident-waiting-to-happen, still glaring at Jax.

“Princess,” Jax says, the smile on his face sickening, “you don’t have a choice.”

Alexander can’t think of a time in his life he’s been more terrified than he is the moment Jax and Karson heave him up over the railing and toss him into the huge tub of not-for-children. While he’s falling, all he can think about is the adrenaline that seems to be running through his veins instead of blood, and that he is definitely, one hundred percent going to die. Karson's laughter follows him all the way down.

Thanks in advance!

@alice No worries, if you've had a few people look at it then it's not really a first draft anymore, so that's specific enough for me! I'll write some general feedback here and if you'd like a closer line edit (spelling, typos, missing words) let me know and I'll send that through in a message.

---

Overall Feedback
I really like this beginning to your story! We really get to see some of Alexander's personality, and I like how he doesn't come across as a pathetic helpless victim (even though technically he is in this bit) because of how he reacts to his (unhelpful) brain and the drug dealers. The fact that he doesn't change his mind about whether or not his choice was right shows he has a strong sense of justice, and I like that.

The List

1. Great hook in that first sentence! While the reader might be expecting a dark night, the radioactive fluid is a surprise.
2. Your POV seems to be third-person limited, so it's a bit strange to have Alex unable to see much of anything, then two sentences later describe flashlights and shadows. Your description of those is amazing, though, so perhaps you could start out with a wide shot sort of thing before zooming into the close POV that the rest of the section uses?
3. I love that Alex is sure what he did was right, but that it wasn't a good idea, but it's not too clear what exactly he's sure is the right thing: taking out the trash? Interrupting the deal? Deciding to go inside and call the police?
4. I'm unsure about the 'princess' nickname. So far Alex hasn't seemed the spoiled, whiny type that would usually get such a nickname. Maybe something equally demeaning but less girly?
5. To leer means "to look at in an unpleasant way". If Alexander has burlap over his head, he won't notice that sort of thing.
6. I had assumed Alexander would have his hands tied behind his back, so it was a surprise that he had to stop himself from punching Jax and could use the stair railing. I think if his hands were free he could simply pull the burlap and gag off, so perhaps have his hands tied? He could think about kicking Jax instead.
7. He can hear a bubbling sound akin to that of a boiling pot of water. The air is thick with the smell of sulphur and rust and Alexander wrinkles his nose. Just gotta say, this whole piece really reads like someone deprived of sight, and it's great!
8. "I am not getting in there." This bit felt like a leap of logic to me, like I'm not sure Alexander would assume they're going to kill him in this fashion. You could have one of the dealers jokingly tell him to get into the vat to introduce the idea, like, "Hope you can swim," or "Bathtime, princess."
9. Karson's laughter follows him all the way down. From your earlier description I had assumed the tank was on level with the boys and quite full, since Alexander could see the liquid, but this last sentence makes it sound like he has a long way to fall from going over the tank edge to hitting the liquid. I reread the last bit and do you mean that they're on some kind of metal walkway above this large vat? A few added details when Alexander's blindfold first comes off could help set the scene a bit more clearly.

I really want to know what happens to Alexander now. :) I'm assuming from the 'it all began' that this radioactive episode is not the end of this spunky character.

Thank you so much for this! Your edits are very detailed, it's great :) I really appreciate you taking the time to look this over for me. Thanks again!

Could you critique a background story for my character, Rie? Here's the link; https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gCbrO_-ZUEnFnXXc8Tt077IBnMuocsQaxgoHFqQ_uTI/edit?usp=sharing

Can you critique something of mine? Give me that b r u t a l honesty please! Here's an excerpt/dream sequence from a first draft that I'm working on.

“A Chaser, huh?” Yuu’mi’s tone was carefully balanced. Nyir could tell he didn’t agree with her decision, though. He’d never been one to hide his emotions. They were painfully obvious, at least to her. Displeasure was etched into every crevice of his face, from his dark eyebrows, angled downward, to his full lips, pressed together firmly. He sat down on the edge of the bed, his shoulder brushing against hers. “I thought we’d be Researchers together. Unstoppable duo. Famous, maybe.”

Nyir pursed her lips. “Come on. Famous, really?” She bumped her shoulder into his. “Don’t be stupid.”

“Maybe not famous,” he reiterated, “but happy. I don’t want to be that guy, but you might get hurt. Chasing’s a dangerous job, sweetheart.”

Nyir remembered a time when she used to hate pet names. Hell, even when she and Yuu’mi had first started dating, she’d hated them. But something about the genuine way he said them made them almost enjoyable. “So is researching,” she said, trying to still the butterflies in her stomach. It wasn’t fair that he still did that to her.

“What about Tassy?” Yuu’mi asked, his chocolate eyes lowering.

She shrugged, looking away. “He’ll understand. I won’t be gone all that much. Chasing missions are spaced out enough. He’ll still know me.”

“That’s not what I mean,” he said.

“Then what do you mean?”

“I mean I don’t want him motherless.” There. He’d said it. He hadn’t wanted to, but he couldn’t take it back now.

She took his hand in hers, gazing down at their intertwined fingers with a blank expression. “You’re scared for me?”

“I don’t want to lose you,” he replied. “Is that so strange?” He pulled her hand up to his lips and pressed a kiss to her knuckles.

She could’ve melted right then and there. God, she loved him. “You won’t lose me. I’ll come back to you and Tas. I’ll do anything to come back to you.”

He finally met her gaze again. His eyes, his impossibly soft eyes, were shining with tears. He pressed his lips to her fingers again. His face was pure light. “Is that a promise?”

“Yes,” she said, “it’s a promise. Look at me. Look at me, Yuu’mi. I’ll kill any Dragon that would even dare to try and keep me away from you.”

“You’ll kill a Dragon, huh?” He said with a laugh. “I believe you.” He pulled her in closer, wrapping his arms around her waist and gazing down at her with a smile. “I believe you, sweetheart.”

She leaned in to kiss him, to feel his lips against hers one more time. Suddenly, blood flowed from his mouth. His face was a mess of deep cuts and blood, his eyes swollen shut. He gurgled, trying to speak. “You promised me,” he gargled, “you promised. Have you killed a Dragon, Nyir?”

She gasped and leapt away from him. His entire stomach was gouged out, leaving nothing but blood, blood, blood. His blood was all over her, staining her clothes, her skin, her hair. She opened her mouth to scream but she couldn’t.

“Have you? Have you? Have you?”

@barabara, Would you like me to give feedback on the content as a backstory, or more on the written aspect?

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime, Sure thing, brutal honesty coming up right after I get home from church. :)

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime Okay, I'm back, so here goes!

---

The List

1. Yuu'mi - Just a caution that apostrophes are often overused in fantasy/science fiction, but as long as you know exactly why it's there it should be fine. Is Yuu'mi pronounced any differently from Yuumi?
2. Yuu’mi’s tone was carefully balanced, but Nyir could tell he didn’t agree with her decision though.
   I feel like this bit might flow better as one sentence.
3. Displeasure was etched… pressed together firmly. A great description of both how he's feeling and what he looks like here!
4. Famous? Really?
   Again, perhaps separating these two words would help with flow.
5. …he reiterated Maybe a personal preference, but I find that overly complicated speech tags can break the flow of dialogue. Also to reiterate is to say something again, but he's altering his position, so perhaps 'conceded' might fit better. But 'said' also works too. 'Said' is virtually invisible when used well.
6. You use the words 'hell', 'God' and 'dating', which made me think of a dystopian earth at first, but the mention of dragons jettisoned me straight into a fantasy universe. Those words imply that your world has at least one monotheistic religion and that your characters have a concept of hell, and that the way couples get together is similar to what Western societies do now. If this is some alternate or future version of Earth, those words are fine (and the reader will have gotten used to that prior to this scene) but if it's not Earth I would suggest coming up with your world's own flavour of swears/expressions of surprise.
7. Tassy, Tas I originally read these to rhyme with sassy (soft s) and has (z). If it's Tas to rhyme with sass I would suggest a double s.
8. chocolate - This word seemed a bit off. Possibly too romantic and descriptive for this point in the scene? I think a non-food word might work better.
9. There. He’d said it. He hadn’t wanted to, but he couldn’t take it back now. So far this scene has been from Nyir's perspective, and I take it it's her dream. But this bit is directly from Yuu'mi's perspective, which we should not be able to hear in Nyir's dream. The rhythm of your sentences here is spot on, but due to the head-hopping thing I'd say strike it or change it.
10. His face was pure light. What do you mean by this? Is this the weirdness of dreams making him glow or just a metaphor? It seems a bit out of place - I would recommend getting the idea across in a more concrete way.
11. Dragons. :D
12. He he said with a laugh. Lowercase H.
13. O_O Whoa. Just… let me calm my pounding heart a bit here. Okay, I think the end needs its own section.

---

The End

Gah, you pulled off that twist really well. I was definitely not expecting it to turn into such a nightmare. I take it this dream is feeding off Nyir's feelings of guilt or something? Very effective - the end was like a punch to the stomach (in a good way).

1. I feel like Nyir would gasp and pull back as soon as blood flowed from his mouth rather than in the second paragraph.
2. Gurgled and gargled are exactly the right words to use here but having them in adjacent sentences sounds repetitive as they're such similar words. On the contrary, the repetition of blood works really well and builds Nyir's sense of horror and that awful helplessness you get in dreams.
3. Have you? Have you? Have you? I read this really quickly as it's all on one line, but if it's meant to be more gargly-dying I'd recommend breaking it up a bit, like:

"Have you? Have you?

"Have you?"

Altogether this is a great piece, chock-full of feeling with plenty of characterisation in there for free. I feel sorry for Nyir and want to know what she's dealing with that's spawning such nightmares. The dialogue feels natural and genuine and it's clear your characters care deeply for each other. The only thing I'd add is to make sure this represents the gist of something between her and Yuu'mi, not a word-for-word replay of something that actually happened. Dreams-as-perfectly-accurate-flashbacks are (a) implausible and (b) overdone in fiction anyway.

All these critiques are minor, really. Well done, and all the best as you continue writing! Let me know if you'd like me to give feedback on anything else. :)

Thank you so much! I think I've altered it to amend all of your critiques except one big one. I've always been heavy-handed in writing dream sequences because I can never figure out how to convey important memories/information without relying on dreams. So, would this make sense: it starts out as a lucid dream/flashback, a purposeful projection of Nyir's guilt. Then as she begins to wake up, she loses control of the dream, and it turns into a nightmare. Do you think that would work?

Do you think that would work?

I don't think you need to make it a lucid dream - I think what you have is really good and you don't need to change the sequence of events - but what you could do is have the actual, non-dream events that occurred differ from what you have here. Maybe they had what amounted to this conversation over a longer period of time. Maybe they discussed things more in detail. Maybe it wasn't quite as romantic. But when Nyir dreams, all the essence of that time with Yuu'mui is coalesced into a shorter, more to the point episode that quickly spirals into a nightmare. And you don't even need to let the reader know that the dream (at least the normal part) is not a point for point replay of something that occurred earlier.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't change this, but for other dreams you write, think about what it is about a flashback that a reader needs to know and include that, altering or intensifying the other details, and if the reader really needs to know exactly how something happens, the dreamer can 'correct' the dream upon waking. For example, protag has a nightmare in which he and his sister are being chased by wolves. He runs ahead; she falls behind and is torn apart as he is unable to get to her.

Hanon shook as he drew in deep lungfuls of dry air. He threw the coverlets back and paced to the window, running a sweaty hand through his dishevelled hair and staring with unseeing eyes at the waning moon. He couldn't shake the image of Cori's broken body from his mind.

She's not dead. She's not dead.

The desperate mantra was of no reassurance. How could he know whether Cori lived or died? He had left her, abandoned her in Dorness to fend for herself while he chased after glory and fortune. "You're holding me back," he had told her. The memory of those words burned in the back of his throat like poison.

Hi Riolyne!! Would you mind critiquing the beginnning of my story. I haven't edited it yet and I would like some feedback. Thanks!! :) (Something you should know, I copied and pasted this onto here and all of the paragraphs dissapeared fo some reason, so you'll know why it's just one big block of text.)

Nicola ran as fast as she could through the market place. Most of it had been destroyed during the attack, but she managed to find a fairly intact stand and hid inside of it. She took several deep breaths and tried to slow down her heartbeat. She brushed her soft, brown hair out of her warm blue eyes. When she felt calm enough, she unwrapped the bundle of cloth she was holding. Inside lay a baby. “My dear Felix.” Nicola spoke in her warm, gentle voice. As she looked at his peaceful, sleeping face she felt tears well up in her eyes. She couldn’t believe that this might be the last time she ever saw her child.
Julius had told them that Pompeii would be safe, but the Cyclops had found them. The monsters had pounded on Mount Vesuvius until the mountain had attacked out in fiery rage. The bubbling rock and fire had searched for the Cyclops and found them in the town, and destroyed it. The Cyclops escaped and came back after to kill any who had survived. Nicola and Julius had hidden underground, but when they came above Nitro was there waiting for them, just like last time. But Julius couldn’t save them. Nitro had pounded his fist into Julius’s head and…that was it. Nicola had fled and was now hiding. She lay little Felix in a crate and drew her dagger.
Suddenly Nicola heard heavy footsteps behind her. She froze, not making a sound. A shadow loomed around her. She heard a cracking sound and her heart sank. A Cyclops was smiling. “Well, well, well. What do we have here?” A deep gravely voice rasped. “Little Nicola Ashby, you’ve given us a lot of trouble, so why don’t you come out here so we can talk.” In that moment Nicola jumped out and raised her dagger. There was Nitro, towering at twenty feet tall, grinning evilly, revealing his yellow cracked teeth and large fangs. His one red eye glinted evilly. His arm and leg muscles bulged against his bright bluish green skin. His white loincloth was stained either from the dirt and messy way of life he lived, or because of a reason she didn’t want to know. The claws on each of his six fingers were wicked sharp. His bare feet revealed the four toes he had on each of them.
“At last,” Nitro rumbled, “You should be grateful Nicola, your son will become greater then the entire race of the Cyclops, he shall lead our attack against Rome. He will learn our ways. He will be one of us.” “Liar!” Shouted Nicola, “My son will never join you. I shall strike you down, and raise him against your kind!” Nitro let loose a deep rumbling laugh and said, “Oh but Nicola, you shall soon join you husband, and I will take your son. I hope you taste as good as Julius.”
Nicola screamed and leaped forward and thrust her dagger up. It was an impossible jump, but her anger fueled her muscles and her dagger cut open Nitro’s face. Nitro roared and staggered back, his hands coming to his face. They came away stained black, the blood of the Cyclops. He swung his face towards Nicola and roared again. Nicola fell backwards which saved her from the Cyclops’s poisonous breath. But just a bit of the stench was all that was needed to make her feel mildly nauseous. She looked up in time to see Nitro open his mouth, and then it began to glow bright red like his eye. Nicola rolled away as white-hot flames torched the spot where she had been a moment before. The rock bubbled. Nitro then jumped fifty meters high and brought his fist down on the earth. A shock wave spread out from his fist, and when it reached Nicola she was tossed twenty meters away and she crashed into a food stand. She sat up, seeing spots. When her vision cleared she saw Nitro, staring down at her. “Next time you pick a fight, don’t let it be with a Cyclops.” He growled. Nicola could barely fight back as Nitros giant fist closed around her neck. As the life was squezed out of her she left Nitro with one last warning, “My sons soul will be the end of your race.” Nicolas body then went limp.
Nitro nodded in satisfaction. He lifted Nicolas body and swallowed it whole. He took a deep breath and then walked over to the stand where Nicola had been hiding and picked up the baby who was crying. “Felix,” he said, remembering what he had heard Nicola say. “One day, you will lead my army against Rome. You will have the strength, skill and intelligence of a Cyclops, and the soul of a human.” All around Nitro, other smaller Cyclops came to their leader, king Nitro. When there were thousands he lifted baby Felix up high and bellowed, “HAIL THE CONQUERING HERO!” Felix’s quiet cries for his mother went unheard.

@Riorlyne, Both? If I had to choose it would be the written aspect, what stands out as repetitive to you and what doesn't make sense, but in the end everything and anything would be great! Thanks!

Hi could you please review this? So basically I have my plot: A theater kid, Juliana, who is known on the stage, but not so much off it. Juliana or Jules has a best friend, Jack, since she was six. Jack, or Jackson, has been through thick and thin with her. The greatest example would be when she was eight her mom died, and when she was eleven her dad happily remarried. Jack is also a theater kid who is extremely geeky. One time while onstage, Joshua – Juliana's long time crush – notices her beauty onstage and asks her out, with Jack being unknowingly. They go out a couple of times as friends, they start to spend more time together, which comes with the affect of her spending less time with Jack. The lack of time spent between the best friends causes Jack to come across his feelings towards Jules. As he planes to tell her about his feelings, Jules and Joshua kiss. Jules rushes to tell her best friend, this is her first kiss. Jack manages to confess before she can speak, startled she agrees she has the same feelings toward him. As she thinks about the topic she realizes she has actually had the same feelings toward him. Confused she no longer knows which boy screams love louder in her head.

Sometime later Juliana gets into a car accident, ends up in the hospital unconscious. She wakes up, still very unstable. Sadly she dies while still in the hospital unable to recover. Jackson and Joshua both realize that they weren't truly in love with Jules but instead in love with each other. The fall in love, wishing they had found this out before Juliana had died, so she could have gotten a true chance at love.

for those confused about love triangle⬇️

So basically while during a school play Joshua noticed Jules and Jack acting onstage, he noticed how they were interacting with each other. He got jealous of them and all he knew was he wanted those two to be separated. He thought his feelings were that he liked Jules and wanted Jack away from her, but instead it was the other way around.

With the lack of time spent between Jack and Jules, Jack feels jealous of how much time is being spent between Joshua and Jules. He feels he likes Jules, instead he likes Joshua.

After Jules dies they both realize they have the same feelings even after shes gone, and that the feelings were meant for each other and not her.

@barabara As this piece of yours is fairly long, I've done most of the line and content editing in-document in the form of comments. This post will just be general feedback.

Edited Google doc

---

First off, I can tell you have put a lot of thought into your worldbuilding. You've got different groups, frostwolves (yay wolves!), clearly at least one goddess and method of worship and a lot going on with the culture behind warriors such as Rie. This is really great, and having this kind of foundation now is going to make your writing much more streamlined.

The voice you've used for Rie is very engaging as well. The poetic elements of description don't feel out of character for her and set the tone really well. I can tell she's passionate and strong and I want to hear more of her story. :) And I'm curious - is her name pronounced to rhyme with sea or sigh?

Some general thoughts and bigger issues:

1. You've done all this worldbuilding, but now you need to reveal it in appropriately-sized chunks to your reader at the appropriate times. Think about what the reader needs to know at every given point in the story, because any unfamiliar and unnecessary information will overwhelm your reader and distract from the story, but leaving out key information will leave your reader confused. For example, in this segment after her mother dies Rie makes a mad dash with her mother's sword through a storm and across a border to lay it at the foot of a shrine. And she leaves her sister behind to do this. Now, I'm not 100% sure, but I think she was in such a hurry because she needed to fulfil her mother's dying wish OR she needed to present the sword at the shrine to grant her mother a peaceful life after death. The problem is the reader is only told this sort of thing after Rie has placed the sword at the shrine. Nothing about a dying wish or passage into the afterlife or a shrine is mentioned up until that point. I totally understand wanting to withhold information to increase suspense, but Rie's plans and motivations can't be the information you withhold, since it's told from her perspective.
2. The flashback. This is a great technique and you've done a good job, but the point where the flashback ends and reconnects with the point that started the story needs a bit of work. It's not clear to the reader when this happens. I assume the point of flashback is right after her mother dies? In the beginning, Rie is quite frozen and emotionless, taking in all the details of her surroundings. When the flashback ends, Rie is instead panicky and acts immediately. These two don't match. To help them connect, you could use similar language from your beginning paragraph at the point where your flashback ends, just to connect those two points in your readers' minds.
3. The storm. Consider carefully the level of visibility, the distance sound can travel, how much wind there is, and how cold. Also think about how quickly the storm will reach full strength, and how quickly it will pass on. You can't have the winds howling in your ears and still be able to hear a horse trotting far away in the snow. Visualise what's happening to your characters.
4. The Misians confused me, to be honest. Clearly the Tamayans are evil, they've clearly got something against Rie and her mother, and we learn later that they're traffickers (I think?). Now the first thing we hear of the Misians is that they'll be furious with the Tamayans but not Rie (from Rie's perspective we think she's safe from them). Then they stop the Tamayans. Cool, so they sound like the good guys. Next minute, the Misians are shooting down the wolves that are protecting Rie, dragging her injured sister through the snow, and Rie decides to punch the captain out of nowhere (so from Rie's perspective we think they're secretly evil). This is a huge shift in Rie's attitude toward Misians with no reason for it shown in-story. I'm sure there's a reason, but you need to show that reason in-story.

---

Overall, I like the world and the initial conflict that you've set up. :) All the best with your writing! I look forward to seeing where you take your characters. :)

@"Suga Lover" I notice that you’ve posted this idea in multiple threads. One reason that you might not be getting much feedback is that what you’ve got is only the bare outline of a plot - there isn’t much to critique as it’s still at the idea stage. I’ll be honest with you: I’m not really a fan of love triangles or stories that are mainly romance. That said, those are only my preferences and there are plenty of people out there who enjoy the sort of story you’re going for.

Here are a few thoughts that may help:

1. Love triangles have been way overdone, so you will need to make sure yours avoids clichés and is unique. If Juliana truly cannot tell which boy she loves more, please make sure she has different reasons for falling in love with each of them. From your plot outline Joshua and Jackson seem very similar but I’m sure you will give them distinct personalities as you write.
2. You’ve got a plot outline - good. Great start! Now flesh it out. When does your story begin? What happens next? Write a detailed synopsis of what’s going to happen. If planning isn’t your thing, that’s fine - just start writing. Choose a scene that inspires you and go for it.
3. You might want more in your plot than just people falling in love and deciding who they love better and the tragedy with Juliana. You’ve said they’re all theatre kids - perhaps you can incorporate a theatre-related subplot. Someone wants a main role but gets understudy or a chorus role - how do they deal with that? Or the drama roles put two of the three together in a way that the third finds frustrating. Or their theatre hours challenge them each in a different way - someone struggles to work as part of a team, someone struggles with nerves, someone just wants to paint the sets but their dad’s a famous actor and makes them try out for the main part, someone loves acting but not the work of learning their lines, etc. The ideas for additional plot elements are nearly endless.

I would recommend that you start writing, either in further developing your plot or just getting into the story. It will be easier for others to give you feedback on your work when it’s more developed. :) All the best with your writing!

@chase Hall - No, I don't mind. Feedback coming up! (In future, don't forget that you have the ability to edit your posts in the forums here, so if you post something and it doesn't paragraph, you can add them in later. :)

---

Inline Feedback
Here: Link to Google Doc

More General Issues

1. The plural of Cyclops is Cyclopes. At some points in the story I was confused as to whether you meant one Cyclops or several, so using the proper plural form will help with that.
2. Description. Try to insert physical descriptions of your characters in little bits and pieces when the information is relevant, rather than giving your readers a long list. For example, instead of describing Nicola's hair and eyes in paragraph 1, you could slip some of this information in when she's looking at her baby since it's a calmer moment.
3. Dialogue. Every time a speaker changes, they need a new paragraph. Also, be aware of the rules for punctuation when writing dialogue. A handy Pinterest post here for a cheat sheet.
4. Genre. Is this set in Roman Empire times in a sort of alternate history? The name Nicola Ashby sounds very modern and European compared to Julius and Felix, and having Cyclopes and Vesuvius erupting seems more Ancient History-ish. I would suggest fleshing out the details of your setting, maybe not in this scene, but at least in notes for yourself so you have a clear picture of where this story is taking place.
5. I like Nicola's interaction with Felix, and I think you could go a little further with that.
6. Do the Cyclopes have a reason for wanting this Felix baby? This does not have to be mentioned in this scene, but make sure they're well-developed villains and not just evil for the sake of it.
7. Try to use strong, meaningful verbs. Why say 'attacked back' when you could say 'retaliated'? Or 'cut' when you could paint a more vivid image with 'slashed', 'slit' or 'gashed'? Action scenes benefit from shorter, punchier sentences, and one way to achieve this is to make sure every word is pulling its weight. Cut adverbs and adjectives when you can say the same thing with a better verb, especially if you're writing action.

---

I think if you tighten your writing a bit, this scene between Nicola and the Cyclops will be a lot more dramatic and engaging to your readers, and I hope that these pointers can help. All the best for your writing!

Oh, okay, I get it. Thank you so much! Would you be willing to critique something else of mine? I'm a bit iffy on the scene that takes place right after the dream, and I was wondering if you'd like to look over it.

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime I’d be happy to! I’ll have to get to it tomorrow though, as it’s quite late here. ^^;

Okay, that's cool. I think this is the first time we've ever been on at the same time lol. It's morning for me :D Anyway, I'll go ahead and post it and you can get to it whenever you have the time.

Nyir’s eyes opened. There was a weight on her chest, so heavy that she could hardly breathe. She struggled for air, clenching her fists around her sheets. For a few seconds she was locked in a battle against her own body. Finally, the tension released from her body and she was able to breathe normally again.

She’d relived the same moment of replaying her vows in her head countless times. And every time, her own inability to keep her promise destroyed the tranquility of that moment. Every time, she had to watch him die. She flinched.

“You okay?” A quiet voice asked. She glanced over at Tyfer, who sat by her bed, his brows raised.

She smirked, exhaling, “Mm. We’ve gotta stop meeting like this.” She started to push herself upright. Without her asking, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and helped her sit up. She didn’t resist.

“I’m going to say this once,” Tyfer said, a small smile on his face as he leaned back into his chair. “Don’t take it the wrong way.”

Nyir eyed him, her lips puckering. “Mm-hm?”

“You fainted.” He cupped his face in his hands and leaned forward so that his elbows were on his knees. “I’ve never seen you genuinely faint before.”

Nyir glared at him. “I didn’t faint, Ty. I passed out. There’s a difference.”

“The difference is totally arbitrary, isn’t it?” he guessed.

She ignored him. “I lost a lot of blood. So I passed out. See, look, I tore my stitches.” She let the sheets pool around her hips and lifted her shirt, gesturing to the bandage on her side. Blood stained the bandage and the stain was growing. “See? Fainting is weak. Passing out is different.”

Tyfer tsked softly. “I see no difference, but fine.” He rummaged around in her side table drawer, withdrawing a needle and thread. He took the bottle of liquor from her side table and poured it over the needle. “Keep still.”

“I can always count on my colonel,” she said, her eyes glancing towards the ceiling. She flinched as he removed the bandage. His fingers were cold. “What were you doing at Dara’s lab?”

Tyfer squinted at Nyir’s wound, his mouth drawn. “Hm? Oh, I was looking for you. Daso said something about Dara’s research that seemed of interest. I figured you wouldn’t be able to resist going to check it out.”

“Did you…want something from me?” she asked, her eyes still gazing at the ceiling.

He shook his head. Splashing the lukewarm liquor on her injury, he replied, “Is it so weird that I just wanted to talk to you? We are friends, aren’t we?”

“Friends,” Nyir snorted. “No. Tyfer. We’re not friends.” She paused. “We’re best friends.”

“See, I try to convince the rest of the regiment that you’re actually ridiculous,” Tyfer said, his voice muffled as he bit through the thread with his teeth. “No one believes me.”

“You’re right, though,” she continued as though he hadn’t spoken, “Dara’s research was…more than I expected.” Her eyes dimmed.

He noticed the shift in her tone and paused, looking up at her. “What do you mean?”

“Is Tasper here?” she asked, motioning for him to keep going.

He shook his head. “No. He’s still out. Who knows where.”

“Okay.” She took a deep breath, wincing as pain coursed through her lungs and side. “Dara thinks…well, she knows she’s found a way to kill Dragons.”

Tyfer froze again, his brows lowering. “What? How? Is it proven?”

“As proven as it could be without actually killing a Dragon,” Nyir sighed, motioning impatiently for him to finish. “It’s so simple. A readily available substance. Easy to form into a weapon. Isn’t that nice?”

“That seems…” Tyfer hesitated. “Convenient. Are you certain?”

“Dara is the most brilliant mind I’ve ever encountered,” she responded. “She’s not wrong.”

“What are you going to do?”

She exhaled. “I don’t know. Well, I do know, but you won’t like it.”

“I figured that already,” he sighed.

She winced and shifted slightly as he tugged away her old stitches. “I told Dara to make me a sword with the substance,” she said, her eyes closing. “And as soon as it’s finished, we’ll go and kill a Dragon.”

“A sword,” he repeated. “Just one sword? Not weapons for the entire regiment?” Nyir didn’t say anything, and so he had his answer. “I get that you want to kill Dragons, Nyir, but this is unusually risky even for you. Can I ask why?”

She opened an eye and gazed down at his messy dirty-blonde curls. “Call it a hunch. I just think that if we don’t hurry and kill a Dragon, we might not get another chance.”

“You and your hunches,” Tyfer exhaled, biting through the thread again. He leaned back for a moment, rummaging around in the first aid kit for another bandage. “You’re going to get yourself killed like that.”

Nyir relaxed her posture for a moment, flinching as the newly stitched wound tugged. “Wouldn’t that be a shame.”

His hands froze in their search for another bandage. He gazed at her out of the corner of his eye, his brows lowered. “Don’t joke.”

“Aww, I didn’t know you cared.”

“Yes you did.”

“True.” She opened both of her eyes and smirked. “I won’t do anything too stupid, Colonel.”

“I guess I can’t make you promise to not die,” he sighed with a begrudging smile playing on the corner of his lips. He retrieved the bandages and set to work covering her wound.

He was being unnecessarily gentle. Nyir wasn’t sure why. He could get it done much quicker if he weren’t being so careful. It was almost annoying. At least his hands weren’t cold anymore. The callouses on the tips of his fingers brushed lightly against her skin as he worked. She yawned, “Done yet?”

“Nyir.” There was a note of…something in his voice. Something like worry, maybe, but softer. “I know better than to try and tell you what to do. But when it comes down to it. If things go backwards. The lives of the regiment come before the mission.” He swallowed, avoiding her gaze. “Your life comes before the mission.”

A long silence. “That’s unprofessional,” she snorted, although she agreed with him, at least to an extent. The lives of the regiment were more important than her personal vendetta. But her life? Hardly.

“Can’t you show normal human emotion for once in your life?” Tyfer muttered, his hands falling away from her side. “I just bared my soul to you.”

Nyir pulled her shirt back down over her wound. It felt leagues better. She exhaled, running her hands through her cornrows. “If I did, I wouldn’t be horribly, disgustingly defeatist, now would I?”

“I don’t take it back,” he shot back, crossing his arms. But he wasn’t really angry, because in the next breath, he said, “I’m going to go make you lunch.”

As he stood and walked through the threshold, Nyir let herself smile at his back. “Thank you, Colonel.”

“Unprofessional, my ass,” he mumbled. “Lives have value, you know.” He vanished into the next room.

As though she needed a reminder. She was only endangering her own life. She would deal the killing blow to the Dragon –she would wield the weapon. She would do anything to save her team’s lives, but when it came down to it, and it was her versus a Dragon…she’d finish it.

I’ll kill any Dragon that would even dare to try and keep me away from you.

That was her promise.

I think if you tighten your writing a bit, this scene between Nicola and the Cyclops will be a lot more dramatic and engaging to your readers, and I hope that these pointers can help. All the best for your writing!

Thanks for all of your feedback! I'll come back to this post when I'm editing. Thanks for taking the time to do this! :)

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime Since this excerpt is longer than the other, do you mind if I copy it into a Google Doc and write feedback notes inline?

That's fine with me!

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime - I'm back! And so is the feedback! Most of it is inline, found here. I apologise in advance for the many tangents and places where I got swept away with the story. The good news is, I got swept up in your story. You've got me hooked now. :P

---

General Thoughts

I love the interaction you've written between these two characters. The dialogue reads very naturally and you do a great job of showing rather than telling their emotions. I can feel Nyir's tension as she deals with her nightmare and considers what she has to do next.

I'm not sure if this would still be the case if I had read the portion of story that happens prior to this piece, but I both enjoy and am maddened by the suspense surrounding the mysterious substance for weapon-making - what is it made of? (You don't have to answer that.) How did Dara discover it? Why can she only make one? Is it made of something radioactive? Is it made of human bones?

(You really don't have to answer any of that, it's just an indication of how I deal with suspense. :P)

I love Tyfer and the way he shows concern and care for Nyir yet also understands that she makes her own choices. I want to hear more about him. About all of them, actually. :)

I'm so glad you like it! Your critiques are incredible. The scene flows way better now, and I almost like it! (You'd be hard pressed to find something that I've written that I actually enjoy reading, by the way.) The mystery surrounding the substance isn't really what it is (it's just plain old iron) but why no one's bothered to figure it out. Dara's smart, but she's also an independent thinker and unmanageable curious. She figured it out because no one could stop her from figuring it out. Want to read the scene right after she finds the substance? It could use a critique… ;)

I'm so glad you like it! Your critiques are incredible. The scene flows way better now, and I almost like it!

You're very welcome! And yes, I would love to read that scene.