forum Let's go chapter by chapter....

Started May 16, 2020 by @SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

tune

Chapter 7:

• In the first sentence, 'princess' should not be capitalized since it is not being used as a proper known and rather a regular noun. If it were used like Princess Bubblegum or something, then it would be capitalized.
• I say this to people a lot and unfortunately, I must say to you. Watch your tense. I may have been a simple falter and forgetting of the "ed" in 'turned', but do be careful.
• The focus jumps around hella fast. The said weeks passed, so give a teensy bit of insight as to what happened during those weeks. Weeks are a long amount of time
• It went straight from Peter saying something about how he loved the princess to: "One day a guard yelled out". That feels very choppy and it is a rushed transition. Also, there should be a comma after 'one day'.
• It really feels like the dead parents thing was thrown in quite poorly and needs a little more oomph. Like, really, as I said, it's rushed. There was almost no reaction to their deaths by Peter or his brother other than storming off to battle in a manner that almost felt random.
• I understand that they were probably just very emotional, but there wasn't even a moment where their emotions were discussed. It would be one thing if it said that he wanted to avenge them, or was angry, or grieving. But instead, they just marched into battle like two blind mice.
• The battle is rushed and poorly done. Hardly any description of the battlefield, suddenly the brother is dead, yadda yadda. For all I know, they could be fighting in someone's big-ass backyard. Just, really do flesh out the battle scene more. It's not good to rush something so inherently important.

Hope this helps. I'll try to get into some other chapters later. <3

@Kyomi_naidesu take all the time you need. its no rush really :)

Well, I'm feeling pressingly sad today. So I'll use this as a distraction. Do forgive me if at some points I falter with something or fail to understand. Don't be afraid to tell me! :)

Chapter 8 (part one, but I don't have the brainpower to do it all right now):

• First sentence of the chapter and I'm already lost. Was Peter's chapter just a flashback or what? His life flashing before his eyes? I'm so confused. It went from talking about how Fala saved his life to her stabbing him. Definitely try to clear this up, because I'm sure it'll confuse people other than me.
• I know this will sound like nitpicking, but "he said before dying" is… uh. Kinda bland to be honest. Try to describe his body movements in his final moments did he shiver, tense up, look around? I know he gave her his star, but at least describe what his body looked like once he finally died. As in, was it visible that he loosen up or something?
• From personal experience, I don't recall people so much stuttering with their final words as much as the do take sharp inhales between it. Mostly due to pain and if they're sad or scared, their words will come out very hoarse due to the throat feeling like it's closing when you cry.
• That being said, describe Peter's countenance.
• This time, I cannot excuse this as a slip of the finger. Watch your tense. Right after Fala said, "Urdir, I am no queen!" you switched to the present tense. Gave me extreme whiplash, my guy.
• The whole confession of love thing is cute and all, but I feel like it switched the focus too much. Like, was Lux (love the name btw) even still working to quell Fala's bleeding, because that was very unclear to me. Especially when it said he crossed his arms. So did he finish it, or..?
• After she says the whole "I am Fala [blah blah blah]" thing, it has not much transition other than the words, "that night". It feels like the scene of confessions was so focused on that it was slightly lost what they went into the castle for. There wasn't even the slightest mention that Lux finished quelling the bleed or that they all dispersed.
• That being said, you're killing me, man. Is this supposed to be in past or present tense? Because I'm feeling like it might be present, but I just don't know?
• Make it a little clearer when she starts reading the journal. It confused me at first. And someone with a similar mind to myself would probably get confused too.

I'll be back later to finish this chapter's critique.