forum Let's go chapter by chapter....

Started May 16, 2020 by @SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

tune

I have something that I need more than one opinion on. Ask me questions, give me suggestions on how to fix things, etc.

NOTE: This was co-written; I didn't officially join in until chapter 6, so you should eventually notice two different writing styles.

Chapter 1: Fala

Everything was black. Everyone was running, screaming.

“Run Fala!” my mother yelled. I raced to the horses as my father prepared my horse.

“I need you to take them to the safe hold,” my father said. I stared at him.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Fala, don’t look back; never look back,” he said, handed me the reins, and pulled me into a hug. I swung into the saddle.

“Don’t look back,” my father whispered as I rode off into the dark with the others. It took five days of riding until we reached the safe hold.

“HALT!” an elven guard yelled. I pulled the group into a stop.

“Who are you?” the guard asked.

“I am Fala; Princess of the Forest Elves.”

“What is your business here?” he asked.

“We are looking for shelter; our homes were attacked in the middle of the night,” I responded.

“You may enter,” the guard said. I unmounted my horse, and led my people in.

“FALA!” Lilly yelled, seeing me. She was my aunt. I walked past her, leading my horse into the stables. I walked out to see her standing there. “Fala, where are-?”

“Dead; they stayed behind,” I said, removing my cloak. She stared at me. I hadn’t seen my aunt in years.

“You’re so grown up; your hair,” she said. My hair was black, brown and red. I had grown up, and now I would become the leader.

“We need to call a meeting of the Elven Council. Can you do that?” I asked. My aunt nodded, and I headed to a room to change. I searched through my old clothes, only finding jeans and a shirt; it would have to do. I braided my hair, and traced the scar on my arm. I wouldn’t look back; I would move on.

“Fala, they’re ready,” I went out to the Great Room.

“Hello Fala,” Peter said, seeing me.

“I’m not here on a social visit,” I said as I opened the Great Doors. The Elders turned. Seeing me, a great uproar occurred; The Council never really approved of me.

“Why is she here?” one of them yelled.

“LISTEN! My parents are dead. I am now in charge of my people, and I am going to declare war!” I said. I would not let them beat me down.

“YOU CAN’T DECLARE WAR; YOU’VE NO ARMY!” Lilly yelled.

“I do not need an army. Those who will follow me are welcome; those who wish to stay at peace may stay,” I snapped.

“And how do you plan to declare war?” Tritain asked.

“In an hour I will be riding out. I will come across the camp, and will kill all but one. That one survivor will return to its kind with a message,” I announced.

“You are destructive!” Lilly yelled. I turned to her.

“At least I can get things done without cowering behind others; asking them for help,” I stated.

“You can’t do this!” Lilly snapped.

“I don’t need your permission,” I said back. The Elders knew that once I had a plan I wouldn’t stop until it was done.

“Fala, you may do what you want,” Evon said.

“Thank you,” I said, bowing and walking out.

“Are you insane?” Peter yelled behind me.

“No.”

“You could die!”

“Thanks for the warning,” I said as I opened the stable door.

“Fala, you can’t,” he says grabbing my shoulder. I turned on him, and put my knife to his throat.

“I will, and I can. I trusted them, and thought that they were my friends. This is my fault, and now I’m going to fix it!” I said. He stared at me as I removed the knife from his throat. I mounted Raka. She was my friend, and the fastest horse we had. Other than the white moon on her forehead, she’s pitch black.

“Fala,” Peter pleaded. He reached for my hand, but I kicked Raka into a run.

I unmounted Raka as I found the camp, and she ran off. I pulled my cloak’s hood up around my face, and raced into the camp. I grabbed a piece of burning wood, tossed it on to the nearest tent, and watched as it erupted into flames. I held my sword at the ready as people came running out.

“Kill all but one!” I ordered.

“P-please don’t,” A boy pleaded.

“Tell your leader that she has sparked a war that will end in her death!” I say. As I turn, the boy goes to attack me. I spin around; slicing his hand off. I whistled and Raka came running to me. I swung onto her back.

“Tell your leader that she has been warned!” I yelled while riding off back to the safe hold.

“You have an army Fala,” Peter says. I look at him.

“What do you mean?”

“We’re willing to follow you to the death, My Lady,” Dread says.

“How many?” I ask.

“There’s 15 of us. Me, Dread, and some of your people that followed your parents,” Peter says.

“Bring only what you need; we leave in two days,” I order.

This might just be the style of writing but the whole chapter is dialogue and i think that it would help if there were some paragraphs that maybe describe what conditions they were under when riding to the safe hold. Just things like that. It can be hard to really imagine the scenery if there's no scenery being described.

I noticed that toward the end, the tense switched from past to present. Just wanted to let you know in case you didn't notice. Otherwise, I feel that this chapter is very dry.

"I ordered. [blank] said. I said. [blank] yelled. [blank] snapped. [blank] pleaded."

You get what I mean? It has no real… emotion. It's like the verbs are trying to be used to show emotion, but there's not really much. Lackluster, truly. There's a bunching of telling, but no showing. I want to see the person pleading. Not just being told that's what happened. It kinda feels like when you're telling a story to some co-workers and you keep saying.

"and then they were like, and then I was like," blah, blah, blah. That stuff.

Oh, however, the style of the chapter (the whole almost nothing but dialogue thing) somewhat reminds me of The Time Machine by H.G. Wells. So that's something.

There'll be more showing after I get involved, so that's a plus!

Chapter 2
Two days had passed, and I stood at the gate.
“You’re going to die!” Lilly snapped.
“Then I’ll die for a reason,” I said back.
“Tritain only lets you because she hopes you’ll die.”
“Then let her hope; I’ll survive,” I said back.
“You’re an idiot!”
“No. Not even close. That would be you!”
“We’re all ready Fala,” Peter said, coming up to me. I walked away with him, mounted Raka, and led my small army off in silence until we reached our first stop.
“Fala?” Dread asked me curiously.
“Yes?”
“Why did we stop in a human place?”
“Because it’s safe here,” I mouthed as they all headed into an inn. I took the horses and took them around back. A hand touched my shoulder, and I spun around.
"Deldir?” I said. He smiled.
“Remove your hand,” I said, and he did.
“I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.” He said with a smile.
“Leave me alone.”
“Come on,” he said.
“I said leave me alone!” I snapped. He grabbed me, pinned me against a wall, and stood inches away from me.
“What happened to the Fala that I knew?” He said. I could see Dread coming.
“She became a leader,” I whispered.
“Oh? I highly doubt that anyone would follow you!” Deldir whispered. Dread grabbed him.
“Is he bothering you?” Dread asked while holding him off the ground.
“Yes he is. Thank you,” I said.
“Put me down!” Deldir yelled.
“Should I put him down?” Dread asked.
“Over a cliff would be nice…. Wait, on the other hand, put him down,” I respond to Dread, who put Deldir down. He walked away. “That’s why we’re here Dread; he’s gonna lead us straight to our target,” I said.
“Should I get the others?” Dread asked.
“No. This is a job for me and you. Deldir has a habit of drinking too much,” I said.
“Ahh,” Dread said.
“Why don’t we follow him?” I said. We followed Deldir to the inn. “Keep your distance,” I mouthed to Dread, who nodded. He blended in with the rest, and I sat down at a table where one of Deldir’s men sat down.
“Do I know you?”
“Maybe?” I said with a smile.
“I do know you! You’re the girl that Deldir kidnapped, and then gave that scar-!”
“You have a good memory.” I say, cutting him off. He smiled proudly.
“You come back to see him?”
“Why yes, I did!” I said with a smile. He got up, headed over to Deldir, whispered something into his ear, and pointed to me. I waved at Deldir as he walked over.
“So, your bodyguard is off duty?” Deldir asked.
“Maybe,” I responded.
“Well, why are you here Fala?” He said while sitting down.
“I need information,” He looked at me for a minute.
“On what?”
“A person named Tritain,” I said.
“I thought she was on the Elven Council?”
“She is.”
“Well, why are you looking for information on her?”
“Because she’s the one who led an attack on my family.”
“How do you know this?”
“I know this because she pretended to have her daughter become my friend, and then she herself pretended to be a friend to my parents.”
“Wait. What?” Deldir asked while leaning forward across the table.
“When I got away from you, and went back home there was this girl. She was short, and had short brown hair. I became friends with her, and thought she was actually my friend until she started yelling at me one day, saying that everything was my fault…. I later found out that she was Tritain’s daughter.”
“Oh hell. What was her name?”
“Daeris,” I whispered.
“I know her; she was in here the other day looking for someone named Dread.”
“Why?”
“She said something about him owing her.”
“What does he owe her?”
“Owed her his life or something,” Deldir said, watching my facial expressions which never really changed.
“How did he owe her his life?”
“Said she saved him from dying.” Could I trust Dread? Could I trust Deldir? Who could I trust? I stood up suddenly when I saw the boy with the missing hand talking to Dread.
“Deldir, I’m going to do something,” I whispered, grabbed Deldir, shoved him out of his chair, and held a knife to his throat.
“You know if you wanted to-,” I hit him in the face before he could finish his sentence. Deldir’s men lurched forward, trying to get to him. I leaned down, and put my mouth next to his ear.
“Omenta fui tulwe,” I whispered, and took off. I mounted Raka, and left a note for Peter. I knew Deldir would come with the one-handed boy. I got to the pillar at the top of a the hill, and took everything off of Raka; telling her to stay close, and to only come when I whistled. Come midnight I lay hiding. When I heard Deldir he tossed the one-handed boy into the light. I walked forward from my hiding spot.
“Thank you Deldir for bringing me the one-handed idiot.”
“What do I get in return?”
“Um. Living!” He stared at me.
“What, it’s fair that I let you live!”
“That’s not at all fair.”
“It is too!” Deldir sighed and left. I picked the one-handed boy up, and tied him to the pillar.
“Mankoi lle Dread. Cora a’kwentra ho tanya a plan.” The boy responds. “Mani? Ndengina lle,” The boy says. I unsheathed my knife, and slit the boy’s throat. I started to walk away towards the woods when I heard Dread. He was yelling, and I started to run. My feet barely touched the ground as I ran.
“I WILL KILL YOU FALA!” Dread yelled into the darkness. I already knew that he would try.

Chapter 3
I didn’t stop running until I reached Rivendell. Raka reared up high as she followed me into the courtyard. Peter stood there, worried. I ran into his arms.
“Fala. Dread said that you were dead, and that you killed an innocent,” Peter said.
“I killed no innocent. That person that I killed sent a message to Dread telling him to kill me,” I said, backing out of his arms quickly.
“Fala, listen to me. He said that Deldir-.”
“No. No. No. Deldir is innocent,” I said, interrupting him. I raced past Peter. Dread held Deldir at sword point.
“NO!” I yelled, running into Dread, knocking him down. I stood up, knife in hand. Deldir lay knocked out.
“Touch him and I’ll kill you!” Dread smiled while coming towards me with a sword. I timed it perfectly. I brought my knife up cleanly through the bone of his finger, slicing it off as he drops his sword.
“What’s he to you?” Dread yelled.
“None of your business.”
“So, you’re in love with the enemy.”
“Deldir is not the enemy, nor my lover; he is my brother!” All eyes turned on me, surprised that I had a brother. It never surprised me when I found out, because we were alike in many ways; we didn’t trust. Dread thought fast and lunged for his sword, but as he does he grabbed my hand, driving my knife into his chest.
“Now you’ll be labeled as a killer!” Dread said with a smile.
“No!” I yelled. I pulled the dagger from him, and whistled for Raka. I placed Deldir on Raka, and mounted behind him.
“Run,” I whispered. Raka raced off. The sun began to set, casting an orange glow over the land. Raka ran until we reached a small village.
“HELP!” I yelled, dismounting Raka.
“What in Gandalf’s name?” A voice said. I turned around.
“Sarah!” I exclaimed.
“Fala!” She rushes forward.
“It’s Deldir; he’s hurt!” I said.
“Take Raka to the stables, then come inside,” Sarah ordered. I did as she told me, and walked into her house.
“He’s going to be fine Fala, but what about you?” Sarah asked, seeing the blood that was on me.
“I’m not hurt…. I-I’m on the run,” I said in barely a whisper. Sarah nodded, and left to attend to her chores. I left Deldir, packed food, and opened the chest where Sarah had stored my armor for me. I packed it, and then searched for my weapons. I found my bow, and snuck out. I mounted Raka; I still had a war to win. Deldir would be safe with Sarah.

Chapter 4
The sun was rising, a light red marking the sky…. I rode into the camp of Deldir’s men. They all stared. I had to convince them to fight alongside me.
“Where is our leader?” A boy yelled.
“He’s healing; listen to me…. There is a war starting against Daeris. Will you fight alongside me like you would Deldir?” I said.
“Why should we fight alongside you, Fala?” Urdir said. His hair was pitch black, and he had blue eyes.
“Because I am Deldir’s twin…. We have the same blood in our veins; the same hate and evil,” I said.
“Prove it!” Urdir snapped.
“Have I not proven it every time that I fight? I do not give anyone a chance to live once they have waged war against me!” I snapped back.
“We will follow you Crow,” Urdir said, bowing.
“Dearis’ camp is a three nights ride from here; we leave tonight!” I ordered. They all hurried to pack up. I forgot what it was like to have actual warriors that followed my orders. They were all packed up in under ten minutes, and then we rode off.

“Crow. They’re all awake, and there are ten guards. They are positioned here and here,” Urdir said while drawing a map of the camp in the dirt.
“Split people up, and make it even on each side. We’ll surround the camp to make it so that no one can escape,” I said. Urdir got his men ready. I grabbed my sword, bow, other weapons, and mounted Raka.

“Now!” I mouthed to Urdir. I rushed into the camp, jumped off of Raka, backflipped behind a guard, drove my sword into his back, and sliced off his head. As I could hear Deldir’s men, I fought off my own targets. I turned around and saw Urdir as I did.

I was 14 again. I had been sent away to a training camp.
“Again!” The teacher yelled at me. My arms were like rocks.
“I-I hurt,” I whimpered.
“AGAIN!” The teacher yelled; this time coming at me with his own weapon. He swung at me. My arms failed, and another sword met his.
“Leave her alone.” The new swords owner said. The teacher grabbed the kid, and tossed him to the ground.
“You will not tell me what to do Urdir, Son of a Killer.” The teacher said. Urdir got up, and went to help me up.
“Do not judge someone by the acts of their parents! I know what you have done.” He said.

I drew my bow, and shot an arrow straight into the heart of my target. They fell dead. Urdir and his men looked at me.
“She’s-,” A man started to say, but Urdir shot him a look.
“She’s what?” I asked.

Chapter 5: Urdir
Seeing Crow standing there as the sun set made me wish that I was right for her. Her hair was shining with an odd mix of colors; black, red and brown. Her determination was showing on her face. I had only thought this one other time, and then I stopped. Crow would never be like me then, but now here she stood, wanting revenge on those who had killed her parents. Her eyes were a chocolate brown. They were once soft and caring, but now they were hard and cold; no longer caring. As she stood there I remembered our time together a long time ago.

“Don’t let her escape.” Deldir ordered, pointing to the tent where a girl was being held.
“Yes sir.” I responded. I pushed open the flap to the tent and stared. I knew this girl.
“Get away from me!” She yells. Her hands and feet were tied together.
“I won’t hurt you.” I said, cutting her bindings. She rubs her wrists.
“I know you.” She whispers, pushing a strand of loose hair from her face.
“You had best not be telling anyone around here that.” I said. She lunged forward, and seized my knife. I jumped back and grabbed her hands.
“Don’t you get it girl? If you attempt to escape we’ll kill you, so don’t try to escape!” I snapped.
“I don’t want to be here!” She yelled and started to cry.
“Shhh.” I whispered.
“Stay here.” I ordered, and she obeyed. I walked over to Deldir’s tent.
“What is the meaning of kidnapping that girl?” I asked. Deldir turned, and then it hit me.
“She’s my twin sister…. I am saving her life.” Deldir said.
“How do you mean to save her by bringing her into camp bound, and tossing her onto the ground like a sack of potatoes?”
“It was the only way to get her here!”
“Who is she?”
“I told you; my sister.”
“WHERE IS SHE FROM?”
“She’s from the Forest Elves. Her parents are King and Queen of them.”
“Wait. What?”
“Listen…. We were born from evil. My birth mother had had a set of bastard twins, decided to keep the female, and threw her son to the next merchant wagon that came by.”
“We can’t keep her here Deldir!”
“If I take her back there right now, they will kill us both!”
“You don’t know that.”
“Daeris’ mother is trying to get her executed!” he yelled.
“Deldir….” I said.

Something I would recommend is not starting every line of dialogue with dialogue. For example, instead of saying "'Don’t let her escape.' Deldir ordered, pointing to the tent where a girl was being held", maybe try "Deldir pointed to the tent where the girl was being held. 'Don't let her escape!' he ordered." It's just good to switch things up a little bit because the repetition isn't very satisfying to read and it gets boring very quick. All it take is a little bit of reorganizing in the sentence, and you spice it up a little.

Yeah, that. And perhaps a description of the character as they speak rather than just "I said". Anything would help, like tone of voice, facial expressions, or even body language like speaking with hands or cocking of the head.

And I agree with @Kyomi_naidesu that the dialogue is very flat and you're telling what's happening instead of showing. Which a little bit of showing is fine, even good sometimes, but when that's all that's happening through the entire book, it get very repetitive and boring. And while it's easier said than done, just rewording some stuff and adding more detail will help this so much.

((Lux is one of my characters in this, so what he says, does, etc are my doing.))

Chapter 6: Fala
“Burn the bodies,” I ordered. The men obeyed. Urdir stood staring at me.
“Urdir, don’t you have something better to do?”
“Not really.”
“Then find something!” I snapped. I wanted to hate him, yet I couldn’t. That’s when I heard the screams. Running, I swung into Raka’s saddle, and started to race towards the screams.
“FALA!” Urdir yelled. I reached the screams, jumped from Raka, and landed in between the child and the attacker. Drawing my knife, the attacker came at me.
“NO!” the girl screamed as an arrow pierces my shoulder, just barely missing my chest. I staggered, regained my balance, and that’s when I pushed the child down as another arrow barely missed me. My duty was to protect my people. The attacker came at me, I threw my knife, and it stuck into their chest. I picked the child up, and sat her on Raka.
“Run. Don’t stop until you find Urdir,” I whispered to Raka, hitting her on the rump. I grabbed my knife from the dead attacker. The child was yelling and pleading; saying that her family was in danger. I looked to the north and saw flames. I ran towards them, but I was too late. That’s when I saw the note.

You’re a fool to trust me Fala.
Peter

I sat down against a tree, and watched the flames as they rose higher and higher. I grabbed the arrow in my shoulder, and I somehow got the feeling that it was poisoned. Taking my knife, I cut the arrow out of my shoulder, and laid there, staring into the burning house as the smell of burning flesh hit me. My only hope was that Raka got the girl to Urdir.

“No!” I screamed. The tents were in flames.
“Run Fala!” Deldir yelled. I knew that he wouldn’t escape.
“No.” I refused. I knew what they wanted.
“Over here!” I yelled. The raid’s leader turned and saw me.
“Save your people,” I told Deldir, and ran in the opposite direction as I was being chased.
“Kill her!” the leader of the raid yelled to his people. I would accept my death. Hands grabbed onto me, holding me. I stared into the face of Gosdir.
“You think that you can escape me girl?” He sneered.
“I would rather die than be yours!” I snapped.
“Then die you will,” he said with a smile. The pain as the knife sliced into my chest and arms was intense. However, I would not beg for it to end; it would show weakness. I would not give this man the satisfaction of making me beg. He smiled as he drew the knife across my body.
“You will beg me to let you die!” he whispered into my ear.
“Never!” I yelled, and freed my hand from the one holding me. I grabbed onto Gosdir, and leaned into the knife as he went to cut into my side. A sharp pain erupted from where the knife drove into my side. I smiled, he yelled out, and I knew I would pass out. I turned, bashed the other man holding me in the head, and ran, the knife sticking in my side. Each breath hurt, but I had to get away. I knew they would come after me. I stumbled upon a house, which I ran into to hide. I passed out shortly after that.

“Fala!” Urdir yelled as I opened my eyes. I instantly hugged him, tears welling up in my eyes. “Don’t cry,” he whispered into my ear. I didn’t.
“How?” I asked, knowing that he saved me.
“Lux found you just in time,” Urdir said with a smile.
“Lux?” I had heard that name only once before, and that was when I lay dying in that house. “Where is he?” I asked.
“He’s out talking to the men. He said that you needed to rest,” Urdir said. That’s when I realized that he never knew how I got away. He was staring at my scars.
“Crow….,” he said while reaching out to touch one. I moved back, and pushed him away.
“Don’t,” I said.
“What happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it Urdir! It’s in the past, and it belongs in the past.”
“Okay,” he responded. I sat cross legged. I wanted to see Lux.
“Fala?” Urdir said after shaking me. “LUX!” Urdir yelled. Lux came in.
“What is it Urdir?” Lux asked.
“Look,” I looked to where Urdir pointed, where the arrow had been. I could feel myself losing my grip on reality.
“Please, don’t let me-!” I said while grabbing Lux’s muscular arm. I went back into my head before I could finish telling him not to let me die; the one prison cell that still plagued me.

I opened my eyes, my body screaming out in pain, when I heard footsteps. My first instinct was to fight. I stood up, ignoring the pain as it ripped through my wounds, and walked out of the room to see a man. He was tall, had black hair with a red stripe in it, and oddly colored eyes. The left one was bright blue and the right one was brown. I had two options; kill him, or figure out who he was.
“Ahh, you’re finally awake, she-elf!” the man said while standing up, looking at me. I didn’t speak. “I am not here to hurt you. You happened to have stumbled upon my hiding place. I patched you up when I saw that you were gravely injured,” he said. I still didn’t move my eyes, but just stood staring at him. I didn’t mean to stare, but his scar was fascinating. It started just above his right eye, and extended over his left eye.
“Who are you?” I finally demanded.
“I am Lux; a knight,” he responded. I could tell that he was human, and he could somehow tell by the look on my face that I was still unsure of him. “Who might you be young elf girl?” he asked.
“I am Fala, Princess of the Woods,” I responded. He stared at me.
“I thought that they-.”
“I am only half woodland. The other half I have come to discover is darkness.”
“We all have darkness inside of us that we fight day in and day out, young one,” I continued to stare at him. What does he know about darkness? “Well Fala, Princess of the Woods, would you please sit down so that I can check your wounds and redress them?” I stayed standing.
“Why do you help me?” I demanded to know.
“Is that not what you wanted?” he said with a perplexed look on his face, head tilted to one side.
“They will come for you,” I whispered.
“The ones who hurt you and pursued you are dead; piled up burning,” he said matter-of-factly.
“Oh god, Deldir!” I said.
“As for the one you call Deldir, I do not know,” I sank to my knees. “May I ask what happened to you?”
“I was kidnapped by a brother that I never knew I had; a twin. He kidnapped me to save me from being killed. Then the men that you killed were sent to kill Deldir’s people, but I knew that they would want me more…. I protect my people no matter the cost,” I said. He stood staring down at me.
“Well, young one, you are safe now,” he said, unsure whether to touch me or not. I did not move from my spot for 4 hours. I stood up and looked at him. When I did he was staring at my back.
“What is that?” he said suddenly. I spun around to face him.
“Nothing.”
“It doesn’t look like nothing,” Lux said.
“I SAID IT WAS NOTHING!” I yelled, pushing him. I tripped over the rug, my neck became exposed, and my Evening Star birthmark was revealed. Lux took a step back, and stared. I stood up.
“Are you happy now?” I snapped.
“Why do you have that?” Lux asked. That’s when I stopped to think. I wanted to tell him that I had drawn my own pictures, and had one of my friends duplicate them onto my skin. I changed my mind, for I sensed that Lux would not believe that explanation.
“Don’t question things that do not yet have an answer.”

“She’s only around for a few minutes Urdir,” Lux said.
“Crow, we’re working to find a cure…. Can you hear me?” Urdir asked. I opened my eyes, nodded, and then looked up at Lux.
“Don’t worry about me,” I whispered into Urdir’s ear, and passed out again. This time I was taken back to a time after I had met my new found friends.

I was standing on the outskirts of the circle; I wanted to know what was going on. I pushed my way to the middle.
“Today we kill the traitor in our midst!”
“NO!” I screamed, running forward. The man who had showed me kindness in my kidnapping, the man who stopped my teacher, was kneeling on his knees about to be beheaded. The sword…. I yanked it from the grasp of the executioner, and stood over the man that was going to be killed.
“Move out of the way, Fala!” My mother yelled from my left.
“No,” I said. I would not let them kill the only person who cared for me during my captivity. It was my turn to show him kindness in return! Dawn came at me. She smiled.
“Don’t come any closer!” I warned her. Little did they know of what I had learned in my absence. Dawn came at me at a run. I dropped the sword, and Dawn smiled as she unsheathed her knife; flashing it in my face as I leaned back to avoid it. She laughed at me, and I reached into my boot to grab my knife. I stabbed it into one of her legs, and she screamed out in pain. The people stared in surprise.
“This is an outrage!” Dawn’s mother yelled.
“You will not lay hands on this man!” I yelled.
“Don’t, Crow.” The man whispered.
“MOVE!” Dawn yelled.
“I will not let you kill a man who saved me.” I yelled, and Dawn’s mother came at me with a sword. I moved as the sword barely missed me. I grabbed the man’s sword, taking it in my hand, and drove it into Dawn’s mother.
“NO!” Dawn screamed. The guards grabbed her and took her away.
“Run.” I whispered to the man; handing him the sword, and cutting his binds. I turned to face my parents.
“Now you have a choice to make; kill me, or the man who is innocent.” I said.
“ENOUGH!” My father yelled.

I woke up yet again from my nightmares.
“How long was I out?” I asked.
“A month.” Urdir responded.
“Then we leave now.” I said while standing up.
“What? You just got-!”
“My people are in need of my help, and I have failed them for a month!” I snapped.
“Are you trying to get yourself killed Crow?”
“It is not to get myself killed, it is to save my people from being killed!” Urdir sighed.
“Fine.” He leaves, and Lux walks in a few moments later.
“Why are you rushing into battle? You should be replenishing yourself!”
“They may not be blood related Lux, but they raised me. They are my family just as Deldir is.” I said.
“Fala….”
“Don’t Lux. I have a role to play, and if that means dying than that’s what the spirits want.”
“So you’d die for them?” Lux said with a hint of what looked like admiration on his face.
“I would die a thousand deaths, but that means that my enemy will also die with me.”
“What do you mean by that?” Lux asked while staring at me.
“I have a plan…. That’s all you need to know.”
“No! Tell me your plan!” Lux said, grabbing onto my shoulders and holding me in place with a firm grip.
“If I tell you, then you won’t let me; you’d stop me.” I said while glaring at him.
“Well, yes.”
“And I won’t be stopped!” Lux removed his hands, and I walked out. The camp was already packing; I watched their every move. Deldir would be coming soon. I would have to act fast.
“You! Take as many as you can, and go to Deldir. The rest of you, I want under Urdir and Lux’s command!” I ordered, and the men nodded. I opened my tent flap, grabbed my weapons, placed them in their spot, and then I stared into a bowl of water. I saw the reflection of a warrior; not the girl who was raised by royalty, but a girl who was destined to rule. I sat my armor aside, and left a note for Urdir; the armor was not made for a female…. I slipped into my leather armor instead, and left. I started to ride towards the heart of Daeris’ city…. I would end this my way!
I reached the city just before the gates closed for the night. I shooed Raka away, and entered the city. People stood in the streets, unhealthy, begging for help of some kind. How could someone do this to their own people?
“Halt!” A guard yelled, but I kept walking.
“I said HALT!” I turned around.
“That’s more like it!” The guard said.
“You do not get to tell me what to do!”
“I am too! Who do you think you are?” The guard glares.
“Someone that you should fear.” He laughs at that.
“If you do not believe me, why don’t you take me to Daeris?” I stated. He did, and Daeris, with her short brown hair and brown eyes, stood staring at me, hiding behind Dawn.
“Remove her!” Dawn yelled.
“Ma’am, she wanted to see-.”
“I do not care!” Dawn yelled.
“Now come on! Is that how you treat a guest? I came here so that you didn’t have to chase me down.” I said. Dawn smiled, and I started to scream in pain.
“You silly idiot! Last time I didn’t know all of my powers; now I do!” Dawn said while smiling, and stared at me. I stared back at her.
“Well that’s good, because if you didn’t I would have laughed!” I responded, which sat her off even more. The pain worsened, but I refused to fall to my knees before the traitors.
“Why did you come here?” Dawn asked.
“Why do you think?” I answered back.
“Because your idiotic family was killed by me! Here’s something that you can have.” Dawn said. I was thrown back through time by her magic, and forced to relive the pain that my parents went through.

“Tell us where she is!” Tritain yelled at my father.
“Burn in Hell!” He responded as a knife was drove into his chest.
“Tell us!”
“I’d rather die before losing her!” He yelled.
“Why do you protect the evil one?” Tritain asked.
“Because Daneris asked me to!”
“But she’s evil!” Tritain yelled
“She is not evil, Tritain; you are!”
Daneris? Who was Daneris?
“Do not follow the path of evil.” My mother said calmly.
“The evil path is your path, not mine!” Dawn said, and my mother started to scream.

“NO!” I screamed, breaking free of Dawn’s magic.
“Poor little Fala.” Dawn said with a smile.
“I will kill you all!” I yelled, and Dawn laughed. Daeris had left. I reached behind me and grabbed Fang; the sword that had been passed down for generations without a name until it came to me. The guard came at me, and I freed his head from his neck.
“You want to kill me, do it. You’re weak, miserable!” I yelled at Dawn.
“And you’re not?” she said.
“I do not take from my people and wear the finest clothing in the land; I would die for my people to give them life.” I said.
“Then die you shall!” she hissed.
Give me strength. I prayed in my head…. Dawn’s magic was something that I did not fear, but she didn’t know that.
“Well, am I going to die, or will I get to have a party?” I said sarcastically. Dawn came at me with her sword. I dodged and ducked her blows until I caught her sword with mine; hearing the clink of metal on metal.
“Goodbye!” Dawn said. A knife entered my back, and I spun around. Peter stood there. I didn’t think twice right then. I tore the knife from my back, and drove it into his chest. I turned back around to face Dawn, but she was gone. I sat on the floor as Peter lay dying.
“F-Fala.” He whispered.
“You turned on me.” I whispered. He reached for something, grabbed my hand, and placed his Evening Star in my hand before touching my face.

I do definitely see a slight change in style here. Almost like a mix. A significantly better job of showing was done. Also, I did notice and improvement of comma usage with direct address, so good job there.

Chapter 7: Peter
I stared in awe at the Princess as she walked with her head held high. Something was different about her. I wanted to be by her side. Her hair was braided down her back, and the crown was entwined in it. The way she acted was just part of what attracted me to her.
“Look, it’s Miss High and Royal,” my brother said, annoyed. How could he not see what I did? She was amazing; the way she looked, the things she had done for our people. I knew I would follow her to the death if I had to.
“Why do you do that?” I asked without taking my eyes off of her.
“She is born of evil, Peter.” He responded.
“How do you know?” I turn to look at him.
“I have seen it in her eyes.” He said while walking away. I did not believe him; I still wouldn’t on my deathbed. Weeks passed until I finally talked to her, and I knew at that moment that I loved her. One day a guard yelled out.
“Where are the West’s?” I and my brother walked over.
“What is it?” My brother asked.
“Your parents were killed in battle.” The guard said with a somber expression on his face. Both I and my brother did the stupid thing; we ran to our home, grabbed our swords, and took off to battle. I did not know how to fight very well at the time, neither did my brother. As we fought, my brother went down, and I yelled out in anguish; not only had I lost my parents this day, I had also lost my brother! That’s when I felt something stab into my back. I turned around, and didn’t know what to do; I was too shocked that I had been stabbed. That was when Fala came out of nowhere, and killed my attacker.
“Don’t move!” She ordered, and I obeyed. She placed two soldiers to guard me before fighting her way back to the warriors’ camp.
“You! Get him help!” She ordered, pointing to a person. They obeyed. That’s when we became a thing, but I left her to become a spy for our people. I had to betray her to repay her; she had saved my life!

Chapter 8: Fala
I stared into Peter’s eyes. I had almost forgotten about the day I saved his life, and I had just stabbed him.
“Oh god.” I said with tears in my eyes.
“D-don’t l-let o-our people l-live w-without a- a leader.” He said in a hushed tone before dying.
“No!” I screamed. Everyone I cared about was either getting hurt, or being killed because of me. “Peter!” I yelled. I did not care about the pain in my back; I cared more about losing the ones I cared about. He had known I would kill him; he gave up his Star, and I took up my sword.
“I will kill all of them!” I swore. That was when my men rushed in and saw the dead body.
“Bury him.” I ordered in a hushed tone. I walked out of the castle doors to where the people stood. “Listen to me; I am Fala, Leader of the Wooden Realm! If you want justice, join me! A leader should not allow their people to suffer by their hand!” I announced.
“And how are we to trust you?” Someone yelled.
“She has freed you of the evil that took your homes, family, and freedom; she is fighting for your people, her people. She is born to lead the people against those that are evil!” I was surprised to see that it was Urdir that yelled. He walked up the steps to my side, and knelt before me.
“What are you doing?” I asked, whispering.
“I am kneeling at my Queen’s feet!” He said, and looks up at me.
“Urdir, I am no queen!” I said as the others began to kneel themselves.
“I did not ask for you to kneel; I am no different than any one of you!” I announce.
“Ahh, but you are, young Fala, you are!” Lux says, scaring me. He had his hood up, and was speaking in a different voice for some reason.
“H-how!”
“When people see hope they need a leader; you have proven that you will fight for them. You will lead them; these people need a leader!” Lux says.
“I don’t know if I can.” I say to him quietly.
“Fear not, I will help you.” Lux says, and then everyone stood up. I still held Peter’s Star in my hand.
“Here, take it!” I say to Lux.
“Fala, I-!”
“I’m giving you the gift of a long life! Take it!” I demand.
“Fala,” He says, closing my hand around it. “Peter gave it to you! Use it on someone who needs it.” He whispers. That was when everyone stopped what they were doing, and stared at me.
“You’re bleeding!” Urdir says. I could feel it.
“Lux.” I say. He picks me up, swiftly races into the castle, and sets me on a table, where Urdir applies pressure to my wound. The tattoos that marked my body were revealed as Lux worked to quell the bleeding; I clung to Peter’s Star.
I killed him. I killed him. I killed him!
“Stop it Fala.” Urdir says.
“What?”
“Stop beating yourself up! He knew that he would die, but he died to save you, so stop it!” He says.
“I- I.”
“Fala, look at me. I love you; Peter loved you as a leader. I love you like you love to fight, and like you love the feel of killing.” Urdir says; I could just imagine the look on Lux’s face.
“Now none of that Urdir; don’t go giving the girl a heart attack as well!” Lux says, and I laugh.
“She needs to know!” Urdir says.
“I already knew Urdir; from the first moment that you saved me from that teacher.” I say.
“What?”
“I just never told you that I knew.” I say, and Lux chuckles.
“Well see, you didn’t even need to say it!”
“No he didn’t, but it helped.” I say, and Urdir stares at me.
“And don’t be expecting me to say all that stuff. I have a war to fight. Like you said; you love me like I love to fight and kill. Besides, this war needs to be fought, and people need to be killed to my love right now as it is.” I say.
“Oh come on!” Lux says, rolling his eyes.
“What?”
“Just tell the boy how you feel!”
“Fine…. I like you.” I mutter to Urdir.
“Fala….” Lux says, tapping a foot on the floor with his arms crossed. I sigh.
“I love you.”
“See? Was that so hard?” Lux says.
“Yes. Yes it was.” Lux rolls his eyes and shakes his head.
“The people are calling you Callon, or Hero.” Lux states.
“I am no hero.” I state back.
“Then what are you?”
“I am Fala, Born of Evil, Sister to Deldir, Leader, Friend, and Warrior.” That night everyone slept except for me. I walked around the castle searching for something, but I didn’t know what… until I found a journal.

Today is the day that I must prove my worth to the Elven Council. They fear that my blood runs with darkness, yet I have shown ever worth to them that I am not evil. I wish so much that they did not fear me, for with fear comes weakness; that is why I have no friends or anyone to care about. I only hope that my future brings me a life that I can be proud of….
-------
I have proven to the Council that I can be trusted, yet they fear me still! I have done nothing to them to make them fear me. I was born an orphan, and left for dead when the Wood Elves took me in. They too are dead; they were killed by the evil that lurks so heavily on the Council seats. I worry that this evil will destroy all good in life.
-------
4 years later
I have found out the true evil that lurks in the Council; it is the one person that I would have never guessed. I must leave with haste! I must take Urchin with me, for he will be deemed a traitor and killed if he stays. If only he knew that I carry twins; I will have to give my children up if I am to fight the evil that is coming!
-------
My good friend, Lux,
-------
Wait. Lux knew this person? Why is this in this castle then? Was it confiscated? I continued to read.
-------
offered me and my family a home. He does not yet know that if we stay for too long that they will come to find him! Urchin did not come; he said he would not betray his people, and that he would not be a father to twins who had evil in them. Why do they think that I am evil? My children will learn that the real evil people are those who pretend to be good! I only hope that Lux can be safe!
-------
They came today. Luckily a spy awoke Lux early, and he has hidden us away. I fear for his life, but also mine and the two I carry. My family has a long line. I have done the one thing that I knew; I gave up my long life to Lux. He needs it more than me. When I give life to these kids they will find life outside of me. I have arranged them to be raised by the same family who had raised me. My adopted sister knows that the girl will be hers. The son will go to Urchin’s brother, who has been more accepting than his brother. I only hope that they can raise them to be great one day.
-------
I have named the one Fala, she was born with the Evening Star upon her back. I have named the other Deldir; I know that his name means dark young man, but Deldir has so much to offer. He is already so strong. I will have Lux give them to their parents, for I am leaving; I must stop Urchin from starting a war that will put us all at risk if the wrong side wins!
-------
17 years later
I have only a few minutes to write. I only hope that one day that one of my kids will get a hold of this. DO NOT TRUST TRITAIN TRONDANT! That family is the source of the evil. They are looking to enslave our people; they have no care for who gets hurt. I fear that one day a war will either send us to darkness, or into the light. I can only place hope that one day our people will have a great leader who will lead my people to greatness. I leave my belongings to my children when they find this!

I stared at the blood stained, yellowing page.
“This was-.” I started to say. I found a key taped to the back. I took the key, and it unlocked a door to a room where I found bones. I yelled, and Urdir came running with Lux.
“What?” Urdir said as Lux moved me out of the way to look into the room.
“Bury the bones.” I ordered, and that was when Lux made the connection.
“Oh god, Fala.” Lux said. I walked to a pile of things; a knife, bow, arrows, and a quiver. They were almost identical to the ones that I already had. I found another journal, grabbed these things, and then walked out of the room. “Oh, Fala I-.” Lux started to say before I interrupted him.
“Don’t Lux! She’s dead; I never knew her, but I do have her journals. She wanted us to find these. I need a rider sent to Deldir telling him that Fala urges him to come.” I said. Urdir nodded and left. I turned back to face Lux.
“Leave me Lux.” I said, and he looked at me.
“Are you sure?”
“I am sure. You knew her; I didn’t.” I said.
“I didn’t know her Fala. I only knew of her.” Lux says. I showed him where his name is wrote down in the journal.
“I think that your mother was actually writing about my father. You see, I am Lux Tenebris CCL (the 250th); named after my father, who was named after his father. Still, she was your mother.”
“No, she gave birth to me; she did not raise me. My parents are dead blood and adopted.” I said to him, and walked away. I knew that it was harsh to say, but it was the truth in the end. I did not know this person other than from what I had skimmed in the one journal; I would spend all night reading them.

I met my new parents. They seem nice, but the other people stare at me as if I carry a disease as I walk. Someone said that I am evil; how can I be evil when I have yet done anything that is evil? I feel as if I am going to have to constantly prove my loyalty to everyone. I still remember the screams; I was too late to get back home as the house burnt down to the ground with my twin brother, and both my parents inside. I only had time to get my horse from the stable joined to the house. I watched as the house turned to ash; I could hear the screams for help, but also the yells at me not to go in. They said I was the hope that people needed; I still do not know what my father meant by that. I wish that I could be at home in my own bed listening to my parents’ stories and playing with my brother, but instead here I am being treated by royalty. I do not like this; I hate being catered to by people. They freak out every time I leave the castle. I wish so much that my parents hadn’t done what they did to the Elven Council; they said that I would one day understand. How could they let my brother stay in that house; they could have gotten him out. I wanted so badly to be at home with them.
-------
Day two
Today I had to stand in front of people as they crowned me; I do not see why I should be crowned when I have done nothing worth being known for. They said it is because I am their daughter now, so I must take their place when they die…. I met a boy named Urchin; I asked him how he got his name, and he said he got it from finding a sea urchin as a young child. He is kind of funny. He has brownish red hair with eyes that remind me of a child’s; still, I think that I have made a friend. He did not leave my side once today. I wish that….
-------
A month later.
I have learned many things living with these people. The Evening Star is a way of life for elves; with it you can have a long life. I only sit here because I am not allowed to leave my room; I beat up a guard for trying to hurt a young child.

I sat the journal down, and I stared at the knife that lay next to mine. I had been told at a young age that my knife had a twin, yet no one had known where it went; I had found it wasting away with bones.
“Death.” I whispered, naming my knives. It may be weird, but when I named my weapons, it was as if when in a fight we became one. I was in need of new clothes; mine were soaked in blood from the day’s events. I opened my saddlebag and only found a dress; it would have to do. I changed, braided my hair, and then turned. I was staring at my reflection when Urdir walked in.
“Wow.” He said, and I turned around.
“Wow?”
“I have never seen you in something so-.” He walked towards me.
“What do you want?”
“I bought you clothes, but they are more of-.” I grabbed them from his arms happily.
“Anything but a dress!” I said, stripping down in front of him to change.
“Um….” He muttered.
“What?”
“You just-.”
“Oh, sorry.” I said, and turned around to face him. I looked into his blue eyes. I wanted to fall into them, they were like another world. Urdir leaned forward, and I stepped back.
“Urdir, don’t.” I whispered.
“Crow.” He said while reaching for my hand.
“I can’t have distractions Urdir! I need to focus on-.” He kissed me, and I kissed him back before pulling back to glare at him. He smiled.
“Don’t you ever-.” I started to say, but he laughed.
“Come on.”
“Urdir, I have a war to attend to!” I said.
“About that….” He said.
“Yes?”
“Well, the men… they want Deldir back.”
“Well, he should be coming back soon.” I responded.
“And I think that they fear you.”
“Why?”
“Well, you’re amazing, deadly, and stunningly beautiful.” Urdir said.
“They have a right to fear me; I bring death to everyone I care about.”
“You can’t-.”
“Urdir, look around you!” I told him.
“I am, and I see a future for the people; I see a path that only you can lead us to. You are our only hope!”
“Hope is such a huge word. How can I give them hope when I have none?” I stated.
“Then I’ll hold hope for you Callon.” Urdir said and knelt. “Lead us into battle for life, or for death. I give you my life!” I stared at him.
“You’re-?”
“You are my Queen! I swear to my Queen that I will die with honor to serve her, I will uphold all laws, and I will die by her side if need be!”
“Then we shall both die.” I stated. Urdir looked at me, and I walked out, leaving him in the room.
“Come quick!” A young kid yelled. I followed her as she led me to her home, where a man lay on a table, a dagger sticking in his side.
“Can you help him Callon?” The child pleaded, looking into my eyes with her own blue eyes.
“I can try.” I said. I walked to the table, and the man looked at me. I pulled the dagger out slowly, and then looked at the child.
“I need string.” I said. The child ran off, and the man grabbed my hands which were covering his wound.
“I must be seeing things.” He muttered.
“I’m here to help you.”
“Daneris?” He said, staring at me.
“I don’t know who that is.”
“You have to be her…! Daneris, they told me that you died after you gave life to twins.” The man said.
“I am not Daneris.” I stated.
“You have to be!”
“Why?”
“You look so much like her.” That was when it hit the man. “You’re her daughter!” He said.
“I do not know anyone by the name of Daneris; I am sorry.” The man looked at me.
“You bear the birthmark that my family line has, the Evening Star, do you not?” He asked.
“You’re Urchin; the coward who stayed with his people over his own family!”
“I stayed with my people because Daneris told me to.” He said.
“Stop talking.” I told him. I needed to focus on trying to stop the blood. The child returned, and handed me needle and string. I stitched up the wound.
“Will he live Callon?” The child asked me.
“My name is Fala, not Callon. I will stay here, and watch over him to make sure that he lives.” The child grabbed one of Urchin’s hands, eyes brimming with tears ready to fall.
“Go and do your chores; I won’t let him die.” I said while patting the child on the head like I would a warg. The child headed off to the other room. I wanted to let this man die so badly, but I wouldn’t. It was my duty to save as many lives as I could.
“Daneris.” Urchin called out in his sleep. I removed my cloak, and washed my hands clean of the blood.

I stood in the medical tent.
“Don’t you dare do that!” Trondant yelled at me as I went to grab a knife.
“The boy needs help!” I said.
“I don’t care!” Trondant snapped. I waited until she looked away, and grabbed the knife. I sliced open the small boy’s chest, reached my hand in, and grabbed the arrow head from his chest. Trondant yelled at me as I had my hands on the boy’s chest, holding the wound closed.
“I need help!” I yelled, and Trondant went to pull me away. I kicked her away.
“Either help me, or get out of here!” I snapped.
“And who will make me?” She challenged.
“Peter!” I yelled over the sound of the snowstorm. He walked into the tent covered in snow, grabbed Trondant, and tossed her outside. He then hands me a needle and string before walking back out. I stitched the boy up, and stayed there, holding his hand until his eyes opened.
“Kill me.” He pleaded. I stood there holding my knife. “I don’t want to suffer.” He said, eyes wide.
“I-I.” My eyes brimmed with tears as I placed the knife against his throat. He grabbed my hand, and pressed it into his neck. I stared at him as his blood sprayed, covering me.
“ATTACKERS!” Peter yelled, running in.
“Get them to safety!” I ordered Peter, and he obeyed. I raced out into the storm wearing leather riding clothes. I made it to Raka, and unsheathed my sword. I turned to face the attackers as sword met sword. I could barely see them, the snow was that bad. As I killed my attacker something strange happened. I looked up to see the silhouette of someone killing the rest of the attackers. I watched in confusion until I heard someone yelling.
“Fala, we have to leave!” Peter yelled over the wind. Raka strode up to me, I swung into her saddle, and offered my hand to Peter; he got on behind me.
“Take us home.” I said to Raka. I held my side, not knowing if it was my blood that stained the snow red, or someone else’s.

I was holding Urchin’s hand, but I let go. I stepped back, and his eyes opened and stared at me in horror.
“What? Who? What is that?” He said, indicating my scars and painted skin.
“None of your concern.” I stated. Only two people knew my story, and they had saved my life.
“Why is your name Fala?” Urchin asked as I grabbed some food.
“Eat.” I ordered.
“Answer my question first!” He said back.
“My name is not of Elvish words; it is of another. My name means crow…. Crows are curious, temperamental birds, yet they are loyal to their own; I am like them.” I stated. In truth, I had no clue why I was named what I was.
“What of your twin?” He asked.
“Deldir; he’s like me.” I responded.
“Ahh, it is a he!” Urchin says surprised.
“Yes, my twin is male.” I said, rolling my eyes.
“Oh. Does he look like you, or-?”
“Deldir has fought more battles than I have. He has suffered more than I have due to being raised with the rangers. He has many enemies that have become mine as well.” Urchin eat, but he reached out to me like a father would. I stepped back.
“I do not want your affection Urchin. You should know that I am not one who wants attention; I have come far without people who are like you. I was raised by my parents; they taught me what I know. I have no meaning of calling you dad or father. A father in my eyes is the one who died to keep me safe; one who raised me, not one who runs from the role!” I say coldly.
“I meant no-.”
“Whether you meant it or not, you still are no father of mine!”
“Callon? A man is here saying that he needs you at the gate.” The child called from the door. I walked to the door. Placing my cloak on, and hiding my face, I followed the child to the gate.
“BLASTED! LET ME IN! I AM DELDIR!” My brother yelled at the gatekeeper.
“How do I know?”
“LET HIM IN!” I yelled, and Sally laughed at the arguing.
“Raise the gate!” I yelled, and raced up the stone stairs to get to the path. I grabbed a bow and arrow as the gatekeeper opened the gate. I was ready. I sensed something out in the woods; something wanting to strike. As Deldir and Sally got in the gates closed again, and I came down.
“Crow.” Deldir said, smiling.
“Deldir.” I said, acknowledging him.
“You took my men….”
“For a good cause.”
“Oh really? Where is Urdir?” He asked, and Urdir walked up.
“Here.” Urdir said.
“Why am I here?” Deldir asked.
“Our parents.” I responded.
“What?”
“Our mom is dead, and our father is lying on a table.” I responded while walking back to Urchin’s house.
“What do you mean?” Deldir yelled.
“I mean what I said! Urdir, take him to Lux, he should be able to explain it better than I can.” I said. Urdir led Deldir away as I walked into the house.
“NO!” I screamed. The child held a knife to Urchin’s throat.
“He’s evil!” The child said. I looked into the child’s eyes, and I saw a killer.
“Put the knife down.” I said.
“He is evil!” The child repeated.
“No. I am evil…. I carry the blood in my veins that is evil.” I said.
“You lie.” The child said, and I removed my cloak.
“You are not a killer.” I said.
“I am to, Daeris said I was; she said I was her prize.” The child said.
“Put the knife down.” I said again.
“Maybe I should use it on you.” She snapped, and came at me. This is what I wanted. I grabbed the child, and knocked the knife from her hands. I felt pain in my shoulder as the child bit me. Not letting go, I yanked her head back.
“I will kill you!” She screamed. I sat her down, and that was when something in me changed.
“Then try.” I said. The child grabbed the knife, and came at me again. I unsheathed my sword, and it goes through her. That was when whatever took over left me.
“Oh no.” I said, ripped my sword from the girl’s body, and held her in my arms. “No.” I whispered, dropped the body, and stepped back, appalled at what I had done. I stood against the wall, staring at the dead child, and Urchin sat staring at me. The door opened, and Lux stood there with Sally.
“Fala!” Sally said.
“I-I-I killed-.” I stammered.
“Shh.” Sally whispered. She started to come near me.
“No! Stay away!” I said quickly.
“Fala, close your eyes.” Lux ordered, and I obeyed. He again spoke in a different voice from his normal voice, and I wondered why.
“She attacked me.” I said to them.
“Then you killed her to save yourself Fala.” Lux said. “You can open your eyes now.” He said, I did, and the dead child was nowhere to be seen. Urchin was staring at me.
“She…. I didn’t believe it… the curse.” Urchin stammered. He made no sense.
“Fala.” Lux said, grabbing my attention.
“I…. Something took over.” I stated.
“What do you mean?”
“It was a spirit.” I whispered, knowing full well who’s spirit it was. “I will be fine.” I said after a few minutes.
“Are you sure?”
“I am fine.” I said.
“Okay.” Sally said, and walked out.
“Your brother wants to see him.” Lux told me.
“Then let him.” I said, and Deldir came walking in.
“YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU KNEW ALL ALONG ABOUT US, AND YOU HID LIKE A COWARD WOULD! GOSDIR HUNTED US! YOUR ENEMY ALMOST KILLED MY SISTER! I SHOULD GUT YOU LIKE I WOULD A TRAITOR TO MY CLAN! YOU DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE!” Deldir yelled.
“Gosdir?” Urchin said.
“INSTEAD OF GOING AFTER YOU, HE WENT AFTER US; YOUR KIDS!”
“Gosdir…. He…. He…. The last time that I saw him he was with a young-.” Urchin stared at me.

I was 7, and I stood walking with Gosdir.
“Young child, you are such a beauty.” He said. He made me scared. He looked at me funny. I didn’t like him. He grabbed my hand, shoved me into a wall, and I screamed for help. A man grabbed him.
“Leave the girl alone Gosdir!” The man said, standing between me and him.
“Get out of here, traitor, what I do with girls is none of your-!” The man placed a sword at Gosdir’s throat.
“You will not touch another girl!” The man said. He turned and handed me the knife. “Here.” He said, and walked off.
“WAIT!” I yelled. I somehow knew this man.

“I- I remember.” Urchin said.
“You were the man who saved me.” I said.
“What’s going on?” Deldir asked, confused.
“Fala met Urchin when she was a child. He saved her from Gosdir the first time that they met.” Lux said as if he had seen the whole thing as well.
“But what you don’t know is that that man-.” I started to say, and choked on the words. “You could have taken me away, instead you left me! He hunted me down! He did this to me!” I yelled, pointing to my scars. Urchin suddenly stood up.
“I did not know you. I would have taken you, and fled with you if I had known. You have to believe me.” He said.
“You left me.” I told him.
“I was not welcomed.”
“YOU LEFT ME!” I yelled. I had blamed that man for leaving me with Gosdir, and here this man stood. “YOU SHOULD HAVE KILLED HIM!” I yelled.
“Gosdir was my twin!” Urchin yelled back.
“THAT MAKES IT WORSE!” I screamed. I wanted to kill him; I wanted to make him suffer. Lux grabbed me and Deldir, and lifted us from the floor, stopping us from attacking Urchin.
“Your children are not ones to anger, Urchin; trust me. I have watched over Fala her whole life; saving her only when needed. I lost sight of her for a while until Sally came to me. Gosdir had a wizard who veiled Fala. Sally saved your daughter when I couldn’t…. Fala, calm down! You to Deldir!”
“I am calm.” I and Deldir both say at the same time.
“No you’re not; your hand is trying to get to your knife Fala.” Lux stated.
“Fine!” I snapped, and folded my arms over my chest.
“Let go, old man!” Deldir said.
“And let you kill him?” Lux said. I couldn’t see his face, but I knew by the way that he spoke that he was not amused.
“No…. I’m going to go find Urdir, and beat him up instead.” Deldir said.
“No you won’t!” I said.
“THAT’S ENOUGH CHILDREN!” Lux yelled. I shut up, and Deldir does to. It was the first time that we had heard Lux yell, and it frightened us. “You will not lay a hand on Urdir, and Fala… please do calm down! Urdir is not a child.” Lux said.
“I know he’s not a child!” I said. Lux let go of us, and Deldir left. “I want to know his story.” I said after a while.
“What do you mean?”
“I want to know why.”
“Here.” Lux said, and handed me another journal, which he had on his person. I did not care to know why Lux had it. I just wanted to know why Urchin had done what he did. I opened it, and sat down.

Today I have met the most amazing person. Her name is Daneris. Her hair is so weird; black, brown and red, but her eyes are like that of a loving horse with brown eyes. I know that she is scared of us. I have yet to know why; I wish I knew. She looks as if she is in pain, or is missing a great loved one. My own parents say that she is evil. I do not know how they can say she is evil, when she is nothing but strong, and soft on the weak. She has only done good since I have met her. Her skin is dark. I knew that she is not a full elf. I can tell by the way she acts.
-------
3 months later.
I worry for Daneris. She seems to be more quick to react to things than anyone. She seems scared of something. She keeps saying ‘you should run…. Get them to safety.’ She woke up screaming ‘no, don’t take them’ last night. I know I should not have been hiding in her room, but I fear for her safety. She reminds me of myself. I hid my identity from everyone. My birthmark was something of a big deal to people. I am of a great ancestry line, but some would kill us off. My brother, Gosdir seems to think that Daneris likes him. When, in truth, she has told me she is scared of him. She says that he is not to be trusted. He is my twin…. I myself do not trust him, for he tried to kill me when we were young children. Our parents would not get rid of him, saying that he’s just a troubled child.
-------
A few years later.
I have done something that is frowned upon. Daneris and I have married. While she was away traveling I was walking in the market where Gosdir held a child. I grabbed him, and we fought. I saw evil in his eyes, an evil that they said was in Daneris. I unsheathed my knife, and sliced him across the chest. He staggered back, eyes wide that I had fought back against him. I have put myself in danger of his men, and the torment that they would inflict.
No one stood up to Gosdir without dying. That was when Daneris’ mom banished him and his friends from our small homeland. I fear that one day something bad will happen to my family. Daneris is scared; she says that someone is trying to tear down her people, and that someone was trying to put evil into our hearts. She says that she must go for a while. I trust her, but I know only of one person that I would let travel with Daneris, and he knows how much her life means to me.

“Why should I care?” I said to Lux.
“Urchin loved your mother Fala. He had his own demons like you and others do. Use that brain little elf…. He was trying to do what he thought was right.” Lux said.
“You know that I am old…. I’m, like __ in elven years.” I said.
“Ahh, but you are still young compared to your elders.” Lux said. “Read on child.” He said, nodding towards the journal that I held.

6 years later.
Daneris is expecting twins. My people fear what this may bring, for they fear that they will become like my twin and I did. Daneris thinks that they still say she is evil, when in truth, people call her hero. She has done great things. I only wish that she could see what she had done for her people. She has become more worried about the evil with her carrying the babies. Tritain has done something that is going to cost millions of lives; she has declared war against a king… a king that I will fight beside. I leave with Daneris to aid him tonight. I only hope that he can talk some sense into her.

“Wait. What king?” I asked.
“In time you will learn.” Lux said. I walked over to Urchin. I had some power; I would touch Urchin’s head and enter his memories of the war.

“DON’T BREAK THE LINE!” I yelled. “HOLD YOUR GROUND!” The humans stared at me. They still did not know why I and my people fought alongside them. My king and queen sent us out with Daneris.
“DANERIS!” I yelled, grabbing her arm. “Get back to the castle.”
“Take this.” She said, handing me her knife. I took it and she walked back to the walls of the castle. These humans needed encouragement; their king was trying to ready more fighters.
“LISTEN HERE, THIS IS YOUR HOME! DON’T LET THEM TAKE YOUR HOMES; THEY’LL KILL YOUR WIVES, MOTHERS, CHILDREN, AND ANYONE THAT YOU LOVE! FIGHT TO YOUR LAST BREATH, AND NEVER GIVE UP YOUR FREEDOM!” I yelled. I slapped Emu on her rump, and she ran off. I stood clothed in armor, and that was when it started. I charged forward, and the war began. It took hours of killing until night came. They retreated, and I called my fighters back into formation.
“We can’t do this. They’re-!” A human man started to say.
“We can do this; never lose hope!” I said to him.
“How can you be so sure?”
“I have hope and freedom; they can’t take that away unless you let them.” I stated. The men suddenly started to shout.
“Urchin! Urchin!” I did not know what to do.
“Urchin!” Daneris said, running with tears in her eyes, and the king behind her.
“What is it?” I asked, worried.
“They will breach the walls. I’m leaving with the king, and those who wish to come.” She said, and I held her in my arms.
“I’ll come with-.” I began to whisper to her, but she interrupted me.
“No. The men need you; they need someone to keep them alive.” She said, stepping free from my arms. She was no longer crying. The king stepped forward, cloaked. I have never seen his face.
“Will you take care of her and my kids?” I asked him.
“I swear on my own life that I shall!” The king said, and walked off with my family.
For four days we fought, until we lost all but 20 men. We were lined up, starring our attackers in the face. A man lay out in front of us screaming in pain. They had left him alive to teach us something. I raced forward, and slit his throat. I could not watch someone suffer, I wouldn’t. I stood tall as the leader of my enemy walked up. Trondant.
“Get back in line!” She yelled in my face.
“No!” I said back in defiance. She nodded to her left; some men grabbed my arms, and tied me in between the gate by my arms and legs.
“This is what happens when you disobey your new leaders!” She announced. I looked up, seeing the riding whip as it was brought down on me. I would not say anything, nor cry out; I would never bow to the traitor!
“Beg for mercy!” She yelled after 30 lashes. I looked at the men.
“Never!” I said softly, yet vehemently. Her eyes turned to hatred, and she cut me down. I fell to my knees.
“Bow!” She snapped. I managed to stand up, and looked her in the eyes; I had changed right then and there.
“I will not bow to scum!” I said to her.
“You’re defeated, why do you still fight?” She whispered.
“You cannot take away my hope, nor my freedom without me giving it up; I will never be defeated as long as I have hope!” I said loud enough for everyone to hear.

I staggered back, and Lux caught me before I fell to the floor. Magic was not something I used a lot, but when I did, it always left me feeling weak. I looked up at Lux.
“Your mother knew she would die; she wanted him to live. I do not know why, but she said that if he had fled with her he would have died. Your mother had dreams that sometimes came true. She lived in fear up until that moment when she vowed to change the world.” Lux said. How did he know so much? Why…? I knew that he knew them, but how did he know what went on? Why did he watch over me? Questions flew through my head making me dizzy. I grabbed the wall, and looked at him.
“She wanted us to fix what she couldn’t, didn’t she?” I asked.
“She hoped that you and Deldir would make the right decision when the time came.”
“What if I don’t make the right-?” He interrupted me.
“Do not go there. There is no right decision until it is made, and then anything could happen.” Lux said before asking me to leave him alone with Urchin until he came back to get me. I did what he asked of me, and went to tend to my people.

Chapter 9: Lux
I waited until Fala had left. I was glad that she had not caught that I said that I have been watching over her for most of her life. I turned to Urchin. He just stared at me in confusion.
“Why did you have one of my journals?” The old man asked me. “How do you know what happened?”
“Are you telling me that you don’t remember the sound of my voice?” I asked him in my normal voice.
“Who are you?” He asked.
“Do you recall the line of the family Tenebris?” I asked him. He took some time to remember where he had heard that name from.
“I do.” He finally said. “They died out long ago.”
“That is where you are wrong Urchin; the Tenebris line lives on. I myself am part of that noble bloodline. Do you remember the king that you gave the position of guarding your family to? I am that very same man.” I said to Urchin. He just stood there in silence for several minutes before speaking again.
“I do not believe that you are telling me the truth; you are too young to have been there.” He stated. I grabbed my cloak, and put it on.
“Maybe this will convince you of who I am.” I said, and pulled my hood up to conceal my face. “Do you remember now?” I watched Urchin as he staggered back, his eyes growing wide with shock.
“I-it can’t be, you are but a youth!” Urchin said.
“I am much older than they have yet to know, old man. You knew my parents, Stark and Debilis while in your prime. You also knew me when I was but a mere child. I recall that I called you and your wife aunt and uncle at that time. I was gifted by your wife, Daneris, at a young age with a long life; a life far longer than that of an ordinary human’s. As a result it slowed my physical aging, thus making me look like I am but in my prime.” I told him, and then he got down onto his knees.
“Why do you bow before me Urchin?” I asked the elderly man that I had once known so many years ago.
“I bow because the rightful ruler of his people has come back. I, Urchin, pledge allegiance to you, oh Lux Tenebris, Last Great King of the Humans!” I stared at the elderly form of the young elf that I knew back then. While I admired and respected that he had given me allegiance, it was not needed, not at that moment.
“There is no need for you to kneel Urchin! I am not yet back in my rightful seat. First those that took that seat must be thrown out of it, and then I shall reclaim that seat; the seat that my parents left me!” I stated, and he rose to his feet.
“I must tell Fala and Deldir of who-.” I cut him off, and turned to him in anger.
“You will tell no one of who I truly am Urchin. Beware, for if you do, I shall be forced to silence you! Understood?” I snapped at the frail old elf. He shook where he stood. This was not the brave, strong, defiant, hopeful man that I had known, but a man that had seen so much pain that it had eventually defeated him. I felt pity for this man. He shook his head in agreement, and then I left him alone to his thoughts; I had someone else to visit.

I managed to make it to the secret entrance that leads down to the castle that lay below the earth unseen. I had lit a torch before I went any further into the darkness that enveloped me. I worked my way through the labyrinth of passageways until I reached the dungeons. Here I would meet the one that had cursed me. I walked into the dungeons until I had found who I was looking for. She shielded her eyes from the light that I had brought with me. She looked emaciated, nothing but skin and bone. Her skin was green, and wisps of gray hair hung from her scalp. She shrieked at first, until I had told her to be silent. She quieted down, but continued to mutter something that I could not hear.
“Hello…. Witch.” I said. I began to speak in the language of the elves, and she turned to look at me, smiling. I had to restore her broken mind to speak to her. Most of her teeth were missing, and she looked deplorable.
“Have you come to set me free, young man?” She asked.
“No. I have come to only see you, and to talk to you.” I told the ugly witch.
“Oh? Who might you be, young man?” She stepped to the bars of her cage; her home. She examined my features, and she crunched her face up in confusion. This had only made her even more unpleasant to look at. “It cannot be; Stark had died ages ago!”
“So you do recognize me; that’s good. I want you to see the man that I have become!” I spat at her. I had discovered the journals of my parents, and had found out where my mother had hid the witch in one of them. I detested this woman for what she did to me, but she did not know that I had turned the curse she put upon me before my birth into an actual gift. I have learned a great secret that many in the world did not realize.
“It is impossible; he is dead!” She says to herself. I took pleasure in her confusement.
“The impossible is only impossible until it happens.” I told her.
“That is true; you are wise for being at such a young age.”
“I see that you still do not believe that I am who I am. I give you permission to look into my memories, but I must warn you witch; I have seen many things throughout my life.” She reached her hand through the bars, and laid her bony hand upon my chest. She whispered a spell, and was taken into my memories. I was focusing on what I had wanted her to see. After a moment she removed her hand from my body, and stared up at me.
“It is you; you are Lux Tenebris!” She was astounded that I had been telling the truth of who I was.
“Now that you see the truth, we must get down to business. I have come to tell you of what is happening in the open air, and to make you an offer.” I told her.
“An offer? An offer of what?” She asked me.
“Shush, and I will tell you. Your former master has done something to reignite the flames of war. Right now, as we speak, this war rages on above our heads. There have been many losses on both sides, and it looks like things are at a stalemate. I have come to gain information on my enemies’ weaknesses.” I told her.
“And if I were to tell you?” She asked.
“I shall see to it that your former beauty be restored.” I told her.
“I do not know of any weakness that you can take advantage of, but I do know of a prophecy that might be beneficial to your cause.” A prophecy? A prophecy could either be a good thing, or a bad thing, but I knew that if a natural born witch were to tell of one that they could not lie.
“Tell me.” I demanded of her. She looked at me, unsure before letting a sigh escape her lips.
“When one born from two races, and another born of royalty meet, their bond shall become as bone. Both shall take claim on the darkness within, and a kingdom, now unknown, shall rise from the ashes like a phoenix.” The foul witch said. I felt that the prophecy was about the one that I had secretly protected, and myself. I turned to walk out of the dank dungeons, and that was when the witch said something that had caught me off guard.
“Beware the moon, or everyone will die soon.” This small phrase put worry into me. I began to fear that my own worst fear would come to pass. I decided that I would have to go make a visit to an old acquaintance of mine; it was time that I see Lumen.