forum Journal Entry Critique

Started May 12, 2020 by @SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

tune

Would anyone be interested in critiquing some fictional journal entries? How this would go: I post an entry, you critique it, I respond, repeat until we've gone through the entire journal.

Sure, I'll give it a shot

JOURNAL OF STARK TENEBRIS

Entry #1:
Today I have laid my eyes upon quite a beauty. Her hair was long and brown with a tinge of red. I sadly was not able to see the entirety of what she looks like. I have been told that she is not of noble blood, but she still made my heart quake with something that I have not felt for any other outside of my family. I must find a way to meet her.

Okay, Really cute and romantic in my opinion. I really liked it. Just from this passage, here is what I got:

They are royalty
They are a romantic
Very artistic ( word choice with explaining the hair)

Again, I applaud, it made me smile with how passionate they are with this girl

Okay, Really cute and romantic in my opinion. I really liked it. Just from this passage, here is what I got:

They are royalty
They are a romantic
Very artistic ( word choice with explaining the hair)

Again, I applaud, it made me smile with how passionate they are with this girl

Yeah, Stark's a royal romantic sap…. 😊

Entry #2:
I dreamed about the girl last night. She was always just out of sight, and I was imagining what she looked like.

I like the second. But it's also short and has nothing wrong with it.
The first one seems stilted.

Entry #3:
I have talked to my father, and he has given me the responsibility to be the guide of a family. He told me that the last name of the family that I am to guide into the workings of the kingdom is Renident.

Entry #4
I have met the girl. She is even more beautiful than I imagined. She told me that her name is Debilis. I feel sorry for her, for her name means ‘weak’ in a language that does not belong to this world. I find it ironic that my own name means ‘strong’. Maybe we are meant to be together.

@ShyDark_Angel

Entry #5
I have asked my father for permission to start a romantic partnership with Debilis, and after a heated argument, my mother had talked him into allowing me to court Debilis. Now I am to ask her father if it would be alright. I have no reason to see why he would say no, for I am a prince after all!

Entry #6
(Two years later.)
I have decided that Debilis should be my wife. I’ve asked Mr. and Mrs. Renident if I could have their daughter as my wife, and they have accepted. Obviously, I talked to my own father about this before hand; he too accepted,and gave me his blessing. This would be the first time that noble blood would be marrying the blood of someone like Debilis.

Entry #7
I have already got the ring for the engagement from my grandmother, and have also planned out how I am to propose to Debilis.

Entry #8
Debilis accepted to marry me! I have asked my parents if we could have a ball, at which I plan to personally announce my engagement. They do not know that she said yes, but they think that a ball would be wonderful, for we are having some of the Forest Elves as guests.

Entry #9
The ball was today. I was introduced to three elves during the ball; Daneris, Urchin, and Tritain (they are only teens, just like Debilis and me). Daneris seems like a lovely person, and so does Urchin. I could sense that they would become very great friends of mine. As for Tritain, she was pleasant when I talked to her, but I saw something dark and malicious in her gaze. I will have inquiries about her for my parents at some point in the near future, but I must be careful.

Debilis’ parents, the guests of the ball, and my parents as well were astounded when I and Debilis announced our engagement.We were given many blessings by the guests, including that of the Forest Elves. I also revealed that there will be an engagement party in a month.

Entry #10
Today was the engagement party. Debilis looked stunning in the dress that my mother gave her! Daneris and Urchin gave us a wonderful gift; an elvish mirror that would allow the user to view those that the user named while in front of it. Tritain gave flowers to us that would never wilt, and would fill the room with the smell that the person smelling them liked the most.

Entry #11
(4 months later.)
Tonight was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. What went wrong? Where did they come from? My wedding reception was interrupted by renegades. They came swiftly; killed the guards, and somehow got to my parents. Our knights managed to drive them off. Right now my parents’ advisors are acting as the rulers over the kingdom. This is wrong! They should be coming to me to ask me what to do! Am I not my father’s son? My parents lie wounded in the infirmary, and most of the guests are dead. I will find out who was responsible for this! I am thankful that Debilis is safe! I am also crying for her own loss, for she lost her father during the battle.

Entry #12
(A week later.)
My mother and father are dead; they went into the void last night after fighting through their pain. My father gave me one last order on his deathbed; find out who did this. By Gandalf’s beard, I shall!

((Note: This was going to be a LOTR fanfic, but I'm going to change it to match my own world. For now 'Gandalf's beard' is just a place holder.))

Entry #13
The wills of my parents were read today. They have left a small fortune to the residents of the kingdom, and have given a small portion of land to Daneris and Urchin. They were amazed by this gift from my parents, but accepted it. My father left his sword to me, and my mother has given Debilis her jewelry.

Entry #14
The coronation took place today, and was finished a few hours ago. My first act as King was to order an investigation. One of my knights, Ardis, had asked me what to do. I told him to question all of the surviving guests, and to travel to the surrounding kingdoms to see if anyone had heard anything. He left right away. Another knight, one that my father had knighted himself and trusted, Ardin, has taken it upon herself to round up the other knights. I have ordered her to bring them to me one by one. However, I shall start with her.

Entry #15
Ardin is, as to be expected, innocent. Some of the other knights had seen Ardis talking to someone in the dead of night a few nights before my wedding. Now my suspicion is on him, but I will question him when once he returns.

Entry #16
Ardis has returned from his investigation and told me that the rulers of another kingdom, one that my parents weren’t allies with, was responsible, but I do not believe him. I told him what I learned while he was away, but he denied the accusations against him. Even though it pains me to do so, I shall have him tortured to get him to tell me the truth, and who he had spoke with.

Entry #17
I have gotten Ardis to admit that he had let the renegades into the reception. It took 20 lashes onto his back to get him to admit, so I am going to let him heal before I give him more bites of the whip.

Entry #18
It seems that Ardis had taken his own life last night, but I have reason to suspect that something more sinister had happened to him.

Entry #19
Daneris and Urchin have come to tell me that some of the Forest Elves are missing. I have given an order that the bodies of the renegades be dug up immediately.

My heart grew heavy when Urchin confirmed for me that the bodies of the ‘renegades’ are those of the elves that have gone missing. I have asked them to try to deliver a message for me to the Elven Council. I request an audience with them, here in my castle.

Entry #20
The Council has accepted my invitation, and will be here later tonight.

Entry #21
That was a surprise that I had not prepared for! Somehow Tritain has gained a seat in the Elven Council, and she is the youngest elf to ever be part of the Council. I have brought it to their attention that the so called ‘renegades’ that attacked my kingdom were elves. Daneris and Urchin have told them that what I said was the truth. I also made those on the Council aware of Ardis and his demise. After an hour of discussion, Debilis, the Elven Council, my advisors, and I agreed that the one responsible was an elf!

Entry #22
(Two weeks later.)
I have received word from the Elven Council that they have caught the one responsible for attacking my reception. They sent over the statements of several of their kind saying that an elf by the name of Spartain had asked them if they wanted to make a move onto my kingdom. They have also gathered evidence that Spartain and his crew had stole the weapons that renegades would use from their armory. The Council has decided that they would let me decide what to do about Spartain, and I have decided that I will hold a trail.

Entry #23
The trial against Spartain was today. His peers have sentenced him as guilty, and I, being the King, have given the order that Spartain be publicly executed tomorrow at dusk.

Entry #24
Spartain was executed for his crimes, and he slowly died at the tip of my sword. I am scared that I enjoyed watching that wretch die slowly! Now my parents and those that died at his hands can rest easy.