forum I'm willing to critique characters and stuff!
Started by @childoftheuniverse
tune

people_alt 12 followers

@childoftheuniverse

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime
For Mistig:
If he hates talking to people because he stutters, how would not thinking before he talks play into that? Would that be a reason he hated talking to people too? I would assume people who stuttered took lots of time to consider what they said.
Are you going to use his autism as a crutch for his story? OR are you going to use it as an obstacle? That's something to think about too. How high functioning is he? Is autism actually diagnosed in this universe or are you just using it as a comparison?
The favorite food part was a nice touch. That's very common with kids who have autism.
Other than that I think he's great!! Make sure you don't fall into the stereotype of autistic kids. MAke him have a personality besides that.
Hope this helped :)

@childoftheuniverse

Hey Luna!!
Ok, that's a whole lotta characters for me to sift through so it might take some time if that's ok? I'm gonna start from the top and see how far I can get tonight.
For Laura:
What do you mean by side character? Is she vital to the story? If not I would either scrap her or make her important to the plot.
I love the eye color description.
Is there any reason she dyed her hair? Or just because?
I would elaborate more on the body type.
What exactly is a burnt tan? and how is it considered an identifying mark?
What causes her to whisper in her sleep? Is that left over from her witching days too?
Ah yes, Myers Briggs. Make sure you don't stereotype her!!
I find it very hard to believe someone her age doesn't care about politics at all. Maybe just a little bit, but because of her history with witching, if there are any laws or anything with magic she would have to have at least a little bias.
Why is her mom rarely home? And how did her dad die?
What caused her to kill her bf?
Her backstory needs a lot of filling in the gaps.
Other than that I think you're good!!
Hope this helped :)

@childoftheuniverse

For Emma:
What makes her anxious/mad?
And from what I remember from doing Scarlett a little while ago, they both think they're the lesser twin? Jeez…
Again, I find it very difficult that someone her age doesn't care about politics, for the same reasons as before, if she is prejudice against her richer peers, and the government was run by rich corrupt people, she would definitely be biased.
What's a nuclear family?
Don't stereotype ADHD with her.
An incident where she had to protect her sister when she was only 9 has affected her entire judgment on people?
I would make that incident a little more dramatic so the effect is a little more realistic.
Only six more to go! :)

@childoftheuniverse

Ahhhhh I found it…ok here you go
Its a good basis for a character, but I would definitely elaborate on a lot of things. For example, expand on his flaws, why does he go to bed so late? what is he doing during that time? what time does he wake up?
I would also expand his hobbies. Protesting what? What kind of things does he read?
His backstory definitely needs a ton of work. Explain why he was put up for adoption, how he got adopted, his relationship with his adopted parents, or biological parents even.
I'm not sure what you meant by the occupations category…Maybe take a look at that?
Describe his hair color, body types and other things like that in more detail. Maybe something like this- Shiny black hair that fell over his forehead, but not into his eyes. It went in all different directions when he woke up in the morning and he had to struggle with it to make it stay down every morning- (You don't have to use that I'm just showing you what I mean)
Remember "show not tell" you want to show how he speaks with poetic flair, not just say he does. Write the kind of things that make him mad, nervous, etc.
Why does he know so much trivia? Does he spend time randomly researching topics?
Elaborate on his relationship with Andrea in his backstory.
I hope this helped! I can't wait to see what you come up with! :)

@childoftheuniverse

For Clara:
Jeez she is talllll
Does there have to be a song when she's nervous? Is there a specific song?
So when shes mad she just…plans random battle strategies? Interesting…
She hates senseless wars…but plans battle strategies out of anger…hmmmm
Aura power is pretty cool
WHy no religion? Is she an atheist?
navy blue?
again…nuclear family???
There aRE OTHER PLANETS NOW?!?!?
my critiques are getting a little uh, idrk but i hope they still help at least a little bit :)

@childoftheuniverse

Anthony (I have an ex named anthony huh):
wait he's dead
aww his eyes are curious i like that
did the fall into the counter kill him?
was he 15 when he died? or would he be 15 now?
headstrong but timid…interesting…id love to see that in action. but hes dead so i cant. sighhhh
wait…he was dating laura before he died? nooooo
i love his favorite weapons
"organized chaos room" thats awesome
he doesn't get a personality type? aw man
But I wish he were still alive :'(
I love him already and i choose this one to be my son
Hope i helped with this one (even though hes dead)

@childoftheuniverse

Angelo:
So I know what a 5 o'clock shadow is…whats a 3 o'clock shadow?
Triangle body shape? like a dorito? like captain america?
i would put insomniac under flaw not mannerisms. but what im more worried about…why does he not wear socks? like not even with shoes?
Is his father a leader? Or is that just what he wants for his son? either way A+ motivation!
im not sure the prejudice is actually a prejudice
atheist?
writing not being sure on politics is very wise considering his dad wants him to be a leader, no matter what kind of leader you were thinking. (unless you meant you weren't sure yet but either way)
his dad abused him for not wanting to be king?!? no wonder it motivates him…
only 2 more!! :)

@childoftheuniverse

You sure do like names that start with A ;)
Andrea:
Ohhhh this is Cole's best friend
where is her home if shes not there?
good solid flaws
shes an advocate for the underdog? or she is the underdog?
awww my best friends and ENFP
yknow ENFPs are usually misdiagnosed with ADHD, so keep that in mind when using the types as a reference
why are her and cole not dating. why. i must know.
i think they should.
i like the opposite of the cliche with the youngest sibling!
:)

@WriteOutofTime

Thank you! Although I don't understand what u mean by is his autism a crutch or an obstacle. It's neither? He's a character beyond his autism. I don't get why it has to be one or the other. Autism is diagnosed in this universe (it's fantasy but also dystopia) and because of his autism he doesn't think before he speaks. His stutter frustrates him sometimes so he has trouble talking to others. Anyways thank you!!

@Story_Siren group

Here's the link for Alexa: Isabella Esperanza Martinez
and thank you soooo much for doing my other children! To answer some of your questions, yes there are other planets, no the fall to the counter did not kill Anthony, and Cole and Andrea are not dating because I can't think of any platonic boy-girl relationships that I've read that don't evolve into romantic relationships, and I want to change that! You made me laugh so hard with your questions about Anthony XD

@Story_Siren group

Omg, thank you, I will definitely credit you :) Anywhozit, I wanted to show one of the scenes I've written with Laura and Anthony

It's a story stretched into three parts. Also, listen before or after to "Shots" by Imagine Dragons-it's what inspired this story.
PART 1
Laura popped a lemon yellow lollipop in her mouth and adjusted her backpack, jostling the glass jars inside. With a glance behind her, the sunrise gilded her blond hair as she started to walk. The woods stretched miles, the perfect place to hide an insane asylum.
Laura’s flowing black dress brushed the top of rubber boots, squelching through the damp foliage. Birds flew through the cloudy sky, and squirrels chattered. The city girl swallowed at the multiple sounds of nature, lollipop bobbing on her lips. But it was necessary!
She needed to get away from all the bad people in her life, cut them all off. And, and she had to leave him. Laura sniffled, eyes glimmering. “He-he’s fine. He’s fine. He’s fine..”
She swallowed, and squared her shoulders, “He’s fine. I’m fine. I need to do this, for his own safety.” The words kept the desolate teen walking. It was early in the afternoon when she found the asylum.
She stepped through the doorway. The stench of mildew and animal droppings permeated the air. Laura grimaced and then shrugged, “I’m only going to be here for a couple of hours. I’ll be fine.”
“Perfectly, perfectly fine,” Laura muttered as she climbed over a pile of rotten wood and rocks.
She passed through different rooms, a lively heartbeat among the stillness. Broken down beds and scattered equipment filled the dusty places, abandoned dolls or a mislaid boot.
She paused in the middle of one room, and nodded. It was the perfect place to have the ritual. She took multi-colored jars out of the backpack and set them in a circle in the middle of the room. Laura unscrewed the lids and placed a colored candle in each one, set on top of the ingredients inside; angelica and basil leaves, fennel seeds, dittany of crete flowers, ebony stones. Candlelight lit up the walls, giving a macabre feel to the scrawled graffiti, “Get out before they harvest your corpse.” “Dead people down here”. It wavered over Laura’s face, filling in the hollow grooves in her cheeks and dancing over her ribs, stuck out through her dress.
“I’m too-too damaged to be with you. I’m sorry.”

PART 2
With one hand, Anthony adjusted his sleeve and gulped. These woods were where Laura had been reported to be last. Doing his research, he had found that an old insane asylum resided in the woods, where spirits supposedly lurked. The insane asylum that he was currently standing in front of; Anthony rolled his eyes. It was just the thing to lure her in. He hoped this would work; if it didn’t, well, maybe they’d find his body in five or ten years. Taking a deep breath and clutching a bouquet, he nervously walked through the doorway.
The first hallway was white and choked with weeds, seeming more like a greenhouse corridor than a hall of an insane asylum. Years of seasons had dumped autumn leaves onto the floor through the cracked windows and squelched underneath polished Armani shoes. Passing through the other side, Anthony did not expect the darkness. It was midday, the sun directly overhead, and yet the entire building was plunged into gloomy black. The teenager scrambled to pull out his phone and turned the light app on, slowly peeking into rooms. It wasn’t long before one stood out.
Multi-colored jars sat in a circle in the dust, candlelight flickering slowly. He walked through the doorway and approached the circle. “Let’s hope this works.” Anthony stepped inside the circle. The dust and cobwebs in the middle looked disturbed. He set a bouqet of white and yellow daffodils and dark red carnations in the middle, before a sudden wave of heat blasted onto the teen, and ushered him into darkness.
“-ony? Anthony? Are you okay dear?” A white face shoved into his vision, causing the young boy to go crosseyed.
“Yes, I’m okay mother, I’m just tired,” Anthony smiled, “am I okay to go?”
“Of course dear, just make sure you don’t go near that Laura!” His mother’s words forgotten as soon as he heard it, Anthony first caught sight of the forbidden girl dancing by the fire, twirling her dress. He was mesmerized by her. Hours passed, and the girl had slipped by him once, twice, three times. Her golden hair turned corners as giggles followed in his wake.
“Where is she?” Anthony growled. He was determined to find her, and sweep her off her feet!
Suddenly he felt a hand take his from behind, and before Anthony knew it, he fell into a waltz with the girl. Time stood still as the music wrapped around the dancing pair. Anthony smiled as Laura grinned.
“C’mon!” She pulled the boy through the ballroom door, and into an adjacent room.
“Where-where are we?” Shadows wreathed the room. The darkness pressed on Anthony’s eyes. He gripped the girl’s hand tightly, relieved for one of his senses to work. He had lost almost all his senses; darkness clouded his vision, while the static white noise of nothingness grated his eardrums. Anthony accidentally sucked in dust, and the taste of fear alighted on his tongue.
“W-what is this-?” All of a sudden, the girl’s hand slipped from his grasp, “No-no please don’t leave me here!” The flick of a match being struck assaulted his ears. A flame bloomed in the dark, the mystery girl’s face beside it. They stood facing each other, the candle a bobbing light. She smiled darkly, and without a word, blew out the flame.

PART 3
Laura woke up and groaned. Then she blinked. She was lying sideways on the ground in the middle of the the witch circle, next to…
“Anthony! Oh nonononono, please nononono,” Laura trembled as she slowly laid Anthony on his back. A gasp scaped from her lips as tears started to spill out of her eyes. Laura wiped blood off his forehead, his mouth open in a silent scream. “I’m, I’m so so sorry..” Blood slowly trickled out of the corner of his mouth as his glassy eyes seemed accuse her.
People said they saw Laura Heck, but in the end, none of them were right.
“I’m so sorr-“
“What the hell happened?! Is that blood on you?!? What-what, what happened to my-my son?!?”
“He, I, it..he was trying to climb over a rafter to-to r-reach me and-and it was too rot-rotten..”
———————————-
“I’m-I’m so so sorry,”
“We-we know, you keep saying that-“ “But if our son sacrificed his life,” Mrs. Rare’s eyes glistened as she mustered a smile for the desolate girl, “to save yours, then I’m proud that he was able to.”
Tears streaked Laura’s red face as she stammered, “I-I-I will make it up to you, I-I swear.” Mr. Rare slung an arm over his wife’s shoulders as they walked away.
Laura stared at the snow-white headstone. A lily was carved over the words, “Anthony Ross Rare, 2/5/02-9/18/17. Loved and missed by many”.
Laura’s face was a mask as she laid a bouquet of daffodils, dark red carnations, and white lilies on the grave. “I promise.” Laura whispered to the empty air. Walking back to the front of the cemetary, a piece of paper peeked out of her clenched fist. Scribbled hastily across the top were the words, “Things to Stop Doing”. Heading the list- “No more witchcraft.”

(White carnations: pure love and good luck. Light red carnations: admiration. Dark red carnations: deep love and affection. Daffodils: rebirth and new beginnings. Lilies: associated with funerals, symbolizing the soul of the departed has received restored innocence after death.)