Steve slowly stepped across the balcony, pacing little-by-little across the edge of the railing, looking out at the sea of cars beneath him. It's a long way down. He thought to himself, L'appel Du Vide; it's the call of the void. Steve rested his arms on the rail handle, leaning as far forward as he dared, smiling a little. It would be a long, long fall. He leaned further, hooking his feet under the rail, making sure he wouldn't fall, it was just for fun. I don't know if I'd survive that. Or maybe..I would. He chuckled.
Bucky sighed softly, running his hands through his hair and laying down on the bed. Almost immediately, he shot up again, taking a deep breath as he tried to shake away memories of a different bed. Of being pinned down and hands on his body and he had been ordered to hold still and spread his legs and he wasn't allowed to say no, he couldn't do anything but lay there like a lifeless doll as they did whatever they wanted- a choked sound left his throat.
A flash of white against black. A screeching of metal and pleading yells. A figure falling from reach into the jagged and snowy ravine. Steve stepped away from the balcony, releasing his death grip on the handles and backing away, careful not to remember anything else.
(what should we do now? :)
Bucky took a deep, slightly shaky breath as he stood up. He stripped the blankets and pillow off the bed, and lay them out on the floor in an almost nest shape. Stealing the clothes from the closet, he added them to the pile and then climbed into the nest to test it out.
(hmm…idk XD)
(~brainstorming~ what would be cute/ memory jogger?)
(hmm….not sure tbh lol. Maybe they go somewhere that they used to go to a lot together??)
(yeah, that might work, like where tho? jus make one up?)
(yeah just make one up lol)
Steve decided that he didn't want to stay here any longer. His feet moved from under him, almost if his body wanted this more than his mind did. He stepped silently through the door and into the hall, turning towards Bucky's door. His hand knocked a gentle tap, "Hey, Buck, it's me. I'm gonna take a walk, you don't have to come if you don't want to. Just wanted to let you know. "
Bucky sighed softly. "Alright. I'll…I'll come with you." He replied after a moment. He came out of his room. A walk would help take his mind off of his memories. He ran a hand through his hair.
Steve nodded, walking to the elevators slowly as Bucky tagged behind him. He pressed the button to go down, watching as the rims of the circle lit up. Where he would go, he didn't exactly know. Maybe to central park? It wasn't too busy, or…not as busy as the street.
Bucky followed Steve. He was quiet for a long time, then said, slowly, "I'm…remembering one of my handlers." he admitted in a quiet voice. "And I…I'm not sure I want to." he didn't look at Steve, looking down at his hands instead.
Steve leaned against the cold metal rail in the elevator, "Really?" He inhaled, eyes twisting in a gaze of worry.
"Do you…want to talk about it?" He asked, trying to read him from his lost expression, nervous and troubled.
Bucky hesitated, then shook his head after a moment. "No. I just…" he closed his eyes for a moment. He opened them again and let out his breath in a soft sigh.
(I gtg to bed soon)
"You just.." Steve repeated slowly, studying his dusty boots, "Don't want to remember?" He swallowed, listening to the whirr of the elevator as they dropped, slowly moving down. "I felt that too, for a while."
(oh goodnight if u see this :)
Bucky shrugged a little, closing his eyes again for a moment. "I guess." He replied. He paused for a bit, then said in a quiet, slow voice, "I didn't…I couldn't tell them no. Not…not about anything." He leaned against the wall of the elevator, looking up at the ceiling to avoid Steve's eyes.
"Tell them no?" Steve said, looking down at his shoes as if they were the most interesting thing in the world,
"No to…hurting you?" His gaze drifted lazily from the ground to the corners of the descending elevator, trying to reach Bucky's face but guilt weighed him down, it's own internal pushing of gravity.
(ok so uh…I realized that I need to know how dark you're alright with me going. Because…I just realized that I was planning to go really really dark with this, and I need to get your input/permission first so I don't like scar you for life or something)
Bucky nodded a little bit, closing his eyes again and not opening them again this time. "…yeah." He swallowed slightly, crossing his arms and trying to push the fragments of memory away. Trying not to remember.
(oh don't worry abt it, i can go as dark as you like ? and same with other stuff, im ok)
Time had seemed to slow around them, the elevator suspended in some type of frozen movement as if the hands of the clock were being held. "They did…things, bad things." Steve said, almost posing it as a question, though he was scared that he might've already guessed the answer.
(alright cool cool. Just needed to double-check that because I wasn't sure, and like…I didn't want to scar you lol)
Bucky nodded again. "Yeah." His voice was quiet, and he swallowed hard, pushing away memories of hands and limbs and facedown on the bed being ordered not to move don't move don't make a sound just lay there and take it like a good little bitch– he took a deep, slightly shaky breath.
"You can share it with me," Steve said again, remembering Bucky's coldness at breakfast and not caring if he pushed him away again. He just wanted Bucky to know that he could be vulnerable with Steve, even if that meant asking a hundred times before. "Or…someone else, if you want." Steve said softly, all he could give him were his words, his sympathetic smile, and his shoulder to cry on.
"I-I…" Bucky released the breath in a sigh. "Not…now." he said slowly. "I don't…I can't." He couldn't speak about it. Not right now. Because it would make the memories all the more clear and hard and he didn't remember enough yet to be able to block them out. God, he wanted to remember something positive.
The door's of the elevator chimed, opening at ruining the peace. "C'mon," Steve said, touching Bucky's hand gingerly for a moment before walking out.
(gtg try to be back soon!)
Bucky stiffened a little at the touch, and followed Steve out. He focused on the area around them to try and distract himself again. His left leg gave a twinge of pain, but he ignored it.
