Tohru relaxed a bit and let out a heavy sigh, resting his cheek in the crook of the other's neck.
"I appreciate it. You don't- you really don't have to, but thank you. I'll do whatever I can to help you as well."
With Levi's grip on him, Tohru actually managed to calm down a lot more and even completely stop the tears from flowing, even though they had threatened on and off for a while.
Lis shrugged.
"It does feel like that sometimes, but the plan is to get somewhere that's less of a nightmare, and hopefully live safely there. I think it's worth everything to keep trying."
She smiled.
"And sometimes, part of keeping your chin up is finding a little thing that makes you happy. A little thing from before to hold onto. Mine's pretty silly, but why do you think I do a bit of makeup every day? To look good for the zombies? No, I do it because it's a small thing from before that makes me kinda happy."
Mori looked up at Lis meekly, looking pretty confused, but curious nonetheless. "A little thing that makes me happy?" He repeated. "So… I should… put on makeup…?" He asked, not seeming to quite grasp the concept. "I don't think I know how to do that. I've never done anything like that before, after all… and I don't even know if it would look good on me."
Lis chuckled softly.
"That's not what I mean. Though if you really wanted, I could always help you do a little makeup. Anyone looks good in it, sweetie."
She paused a moment, thinking about how to explain it better.
"What I mean is makeup is a little thing that I did before the zombies that makes me happy. I think I saw that Tohru had a sketchbook… So he probably draws. That's what makes him happy. Do you have anything that you did before the zombies like that? I know you must've been really little then, though."
Mori considered for a few seconds. "I don't really remember a lot from back then… I don't think I did much at all other than be quiet and stay out of the way as much as he could. Maybe I'll have to get a new thing. Or borrow someone else's thing, I dunno."
"You could always draw! I used to draw a lot before this happened," Lilac added, smiling. "I stopped though…after Hailey…y'know," she sighed.
"I-I dunno… I mean, I used to draw some when I was little, but… I don't think I was very good at it." Mori fidgeted nervously with his hands, looking away. "I haven't tried it in a while."
(Alright, I'm gonna go ahead and push us to the next day. Feel free to make any plot suggestions? Although I haven't seen a lot of the group in this rp around at all recently, so uhh idk if they'll be back or not.)
The night in the hospital was fairly quiet. The walls and doors were much sturdier than those of the little farmhouse, and being up on a higher floor kept them even further away from any additional commotion that might be happening on the ground outside.
Tohru managed to sleep better than he had on most nights recently, slumped up against Levi and gripping his hand like his life depended on it. He woke up to a little daylight trickling though the blinds onto his face, but he didn't come to with a start, which was a nice change.
Lis had slept close to Mori and the Rose kids, of course after making sure they were blocked into the area securely. No one ended up even needing to take a watch that night, which was also a most pleasant change after all this time. She wasn't the first awake, but Lis was the first to get up, walk around a bit, and take a quick peek outside the window.
Kas slept pretty fitfully, and he awoke early in the morning to be disturbed by his thoughts alone for hours. He curled in on himself, feeling uncomfortable and unfamiliar and generally pretty uneasy. It took him a while to decide what to say and to muster up the courage to do it, but he eventually got to his feet and carefully limped down the stairs. He looked around at the people sleeping around him and found Tohru. After another minute or so of hesitation and consideration, he tentatively shook the man's shoulder in a weak attempt to wake him. "Hey… uh… Mr. Tohru?"
Tohru was already awake, even if barely. He slowly looked up at Kas, blinking to filter out some of the sunshine.
"Hey, Kas," he whispered, his voice a little hoarse as he was still waking up, "What's the matter?"
"Um…" Kas looked around to see if anyone else was awake, clearly uncomfortable and upset about something. "S-Sorry, it's stupid, I should just… I should just go… I'm sorry for waking you, sir…" He mumbled, struggling to get back to his feet with his injured leg. Even though he hadn't been with the group long, the way he was acting was obviously unusual for him. He was never so meek and apologetic about anything.
"No- no, it's alright. I was already awake," Tohru replied softly, finally letting go of Levi's hand, being careful not to wake him.
He got to his feet and did his best to help Kas up without hurting his knee more.
"Seriously, I won't think it's stupid, whatever it is you want to tell me. We can go sit in the waiting room area out there if you want to talk to me away from the others."
"Okay, okay… fine…" Kas replied softly, allowing Tohru to help him up and following him to the waiting room. "I-I just… um…" He began once he was sure that they were out of earshot of the rest of the group. "I-I'm feeling… really weird, and dumb about some things, and… I-I just don't know what's wrong with me?" He looked up at Tohru weakly, his voice breaking and straining a bit as he tried to force himself through the words. "And… I-I dunno, I just… thought you might be able to help since I don't really trust the others all that much yet… and you've respected my boundaries and stuff so far, s-so…"
Tohru took a seat and let Kas sit next to him.
"Alright," he said, giving a nod and a slight smile, "I'll try my best to help. I'm glad you feel like you can trust me, though. I… I really do try to make sure everyone is comfortable talking to me. It's important to communicate, now more than ever."
He rubbed at his arms a bit where the bandages covered, hoping that the light touch and massaging would relieve some of the pain and soreness.
"So, what's up exactly? Like you said you feel weird, but how so exactly?"
Kas seemed pretty tense as he sat down, and he was hunched over a bit, fiddling with his fingers nervously. His heart was pounding and his hands were clammy, and he couldn't help but overthink all of this. But… it was too late to back out now, and maybe Tohru really could help.
"W-Well, I… um… I feel really uncomfortable just like… in my own skin. And sometimes, I… uh…" He looked away, flushing and rubbing the back of his neck with one hand, "…s-sometimes I want to try things that aren't… 'manly'…" He mumbled softly. "L-Like… uh… tying my hair back, or…" He flushed harder, obviously embarrassed and uncomfortable in the situation, "…makeup, like eyeliner and stuff… I-I dunno, it's really stupid…'
"Oh? Is that all?" Tohru replied, his expression softening a bit, "You do what you want, you know? There's no harm in trying out new styles, and worst case scenario, you don't like it. And if others don't like it? Well, that's their problem, and if anyone has the nerve to pick on you for it, they can take it up with me."
He tilted his head.
"So, um… I've sort of been here before, I guess? I don't know if I ever came forward and said it, though I know some of you know, but I'm gay. Sure, gay guys can be masculine too, but for me, growing up was kind of weird. I wanted to grow my hair out, I got my ears pierced, painted my nails, spent maybe a little too much time worrying about what to wear. And honestly, my parents hated it. But breaking expectations for my gender is the most freeing thing I ever could've done for myself. There's definitely nothing wrong with messing around with your style and gender presentation. Even now. Actually… especially now. You might as well live your best life if half of what goes on is just hell."
Tohru laughed to himself.
"At the end of the day though, gender put on styles and presentation is pretty much just made up. It's really about what makes you most comfortable in your own skin, and it might take some trying before you find what is comfortable, but that's okay too."
Kas looked up at Tohru as he spoke, trembling lightly from nerves. He felt a little more relaxed now, but he was still uneasy, and now he was even more confused with all of the new information. "I… um… I'm not entirely sure if I feel 100%… uh…" He stumbled over his words, struggling to find a way to explain how he was feeling. "I don't know if I feel entirely… like a boy…" He mumbled, looking away again as he fidgeted. "I-I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't mind being referred to as 'he' most of the time, but sometimes it doesn't feel… right. I don't know what's wrong with it though… a-and I'm supposed to like girls, right? And I think I do?? But… um… sometimes I kinda feel the same feelings about guys as I do girls, and my parents always said that kinda thing isn't right, s-so… I'm rambling, sorry…"
"Well," Tohru explained, "Whether you're a guy or a girl, or something else entirely- that's not decided by who you like. I'm a guy. I only like guys. But that doesn't make me any less of a man. As for what your parents said… It's- it's common for people in the older generations to not want men to love men or women to love women, but it's truly okay, Kas. I know my parents weren't so happy when I told them. They never said it was wrong, but they hated the idea I would never give them grandchildren. I know that much."
He shifted, thinking a bit.
"And I don't really have the same experience as you, because I don't like girls. I've never wanted to date one myself. But yeah, it's totally common to like both. The most common term for that is bisexual. There are others, but we don't have to unpack all of that right now. My… my last boyfriend was bisexual, actually. So he dated his fair share of all genders before me."
Yet, Tohru found himself a little stumped on the last bit, which was actually addressing Kas' gender confusion. It wasn't really something he'd experienced himself, at least not beyond his awareness that he didn't conform to many gender norms for men.
"As for whether you're a boy or not, that might not be something you understand right away. It's not something I have much experience with, because I have always been sure I was a guy. But that's for you to decide. I can't really answer the question of whether you are fully a boy, or if you could possibly be a girl, or even if you're somewhere in the middle or something completely different. If you want to come to me to try different pronouns, mess with your hairstyle, paint your nails, or something, though… That's something I can help with. You don't have to bring it up to anyone else until you're ready."
Kas rubbed at his eyes a bit, struggling to process everything. It all seemed important, and it felt helpful, but he was still pretty confused on where he stood on it all. He still wasn't entirely sure what his gender or sexuality were, and it felt like he was just being an inconvenience about silly stuff like this in the middle of an apocalypse. "I don't… I don't feel like a girl, though…" He said softly. "I feel like a boy at least kind of most of the time, you know? Some days are worse than others, though… like… some days I don't really feel masculine at all, but I don't feel feminine or anything either. It's just… really uncomfortable, and I don't know how to f-fix it…" He hiccuped and bit his lip, trying his best to keep himself from crying. "It's all really confusing… you know? Like… I-I don't really know what my options are, I guess. But I guess they're not really options because I d-don't get to choose who I like or how I feel…"
(Hhhh Kas I feel you sweetie)
"You're right," Tohru said, "You don't get to choose those things, but you do get to choose how to express what you feel like. There's nothing wrong with how you feel, though, and there's nothing to be fixed, per se. Changing how you dress could help some with those uncomfortable feelings you get sometimes. At least I think so. It is confusing. It really is. And I'm sorry if I'm not doing a good job of helping you. I don't have a lot of experience with what you're feeling myself, but I've had friends over the years who have had experiences that sound not so different from yours."
He took a short pause.
"So, uh, most simply put, there are some people who don't fully feel like men or women, and a lot of them call themselves nonbinary. And there are others who feel like their gender changes depending on the day. Like they might wake up one morning feeling like a man, another feeling like a woman, and some days, not really feeling like either one. People like that might call themselves genderfluid. I've had friends to identify in many, many different ways that aren't simply man or woman, so I'd like to say I can answer some of your questions, even if I don't completely understand what you're feeling. I do have a question for you, though. Would you like to try out they/them pronouns?"
Tohru cleared his throat.
"Like… uh… Like this: This is Kas. They are an excellent hunter and fighter, and they mainly use their bow to get the job done. Yknow… like that, basically."
Kas sniffled a bit and rubbed at their eyes again, looking up at Tohru weakly. They listened closely to everything he said, trying to figure out how they felt about all of it. "I-I… um…" They flushed again, embarrassed and still very nervous about the whole thing. "I-I think I'd like that, yeah… I still don't mind 'he/him', even though I like the 'they/them' too… am… am I allowed to use both of them sometimes?" He asked softly. "Because… uh… like I said, some days it's… more uncomfortable than other days… I kinda suck at explaining this kinda thing because I really don't understand it at all."
"Of course," Tohru replied with a smile, "A lot of people use they/them along with something else. I've known quite a few people to do that myself."
He gave a little shrug.
"It's really a matter of what makes you comfortable. There's no right or wrong here."
Kas nodded, seeming to feel a little better even if they were still kind of confused about the whole thing. "R-Right… cool… um… I-I dunno who could help me with the whole… 'expression' thing." He mumbled stiffly. "Like… with… with makeup and hair and stuff. Clothes isn't really something I can do much with since it's an apocalypse, but… you know."
"Yeah… so I can help with hair, I think," Tohru said, "And I mean… Lis would be the logical person for makeup. I can't say I know much about her, but she seems nice enough. I'm sure she'd get it. And as for clothes… I need to find some new clothes myself, since mine are basically torn to shreds at this point. We could raid an old clothing store while we're in town."
"Yeah, I guess so…" Kas bit his lip, still looking pretty tense and nervous. "I-I mean, not that I care that much, but… what if… what if the others don't like me because of this…? What if they see me differently? What if I try out the different pronouns and then decide later that I don't like them anymore? What if… w-what…" Tears pooled in his eyes and he started trembling a bit more. "What if I'm reading my feelings wrong and I'm just lying to myself or something? I-I don't… I d… d-don't know…" The tears fell, and he screwed his eyes shut, trying to quickly rub them away with one fist.
Tohru took a deep breath.
"Hm… well… I really don't think anyone here would think any less of you for it- and if they do, that's something wrong with them, not with you. And if anyone gives you a problem, I can go talk to them for you."
He hummed softly to himself, thinking again.
"And if it doesn't work for you, you can change it. Gender can be really tricky. But you can experiment with things as much as you need. It's not always as simple as making a few changes and being done with it. Sometimes you have to mess with pronouns and expression a bit until they feel right."
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