forum Bag thief Roleplay

Started March 13, 2018 by @Twitchy

tune

(im here but its not my go!
also, s'ok if you're busy, but could you read over a scene and tell me if it's any good?)

(Great. I wrote this really quickly cause it was just an idea that came into my head so… yeah
The bleak expanse of packed dirt spread far as they could see. Spectators milled about, ready for the show. Dread held the air in its iron grip; the duellers had arrived. The seconds were the first to march onto the field, but it was a quick exchange. They shook hands and backed away without a second thought. The main event was confirmed.
Jasper and Niel straightened up proudly, and strode onto the battlefield. Silver met black as they stared each other down. Then the seconds’ booted feet hit the ground with a resounding crack. It had begun.
Two lives and a thousand hearts were at stake.
“One.” Not a sound was to be heard.
“Two.” A lone cough echoed through the tension.
“Three.” Sydney’s last minute arrival disrupted the stillness.
“Four.” People were fidgeting.
“Five.” The tears started to come.
“Six.” Sydney made it to the front and stared as the step was taken.
“Seven.” Both sets of hands crept to their respective pistols.
“Eight.” The tension mounted.
“Nine.” The penultimate step. Hands gripped whatever comfort made itself available: a familiar hand, a handful of fabric. A gun.
A threatening whisper rippled quietly through the crowd. “Ten.”
Both men whirled around; two bullets were fired. One hit home. One skimmed his ear. One shattered scream rose into the air.)

(Wait. I'm supposed to say my opinion……
ALRIGHTY, HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOO.

1. It's awesome.
2. Just keep reading #1 over and over again.)

Marco sat up. "Do I need to help you two find her physically?"

Althea nodded. "There's an address and phone number, but it'll be more discreet if we seek her out."

(Amber that was fricken awesome! Loved the description and use of numbers. If I could change anything, it would probably be "Four" cause all of them drag you in but that one sort of just leaves you there. All I can think of doing is probably more show-not-tell-type of writing on that bit like their feelings or actions in detail so the reader knows they are fidgeting without being told. "The men anxiously tugged at their coats" or, "the dense air around the neighbouring vulture's mouth quivered". I dunno, something to think about? All together though I got roped in very quickly and love the end.)
"Should we get the portal girl back or walk? Cause unless any of you guys have a car, it might take a while walking with a fugitive." I rub my eyes, "Plus, it's very late and you guys haven't exactly been great up to now, maybe we should rest up until morning."
(if we do we could just skip till morning, if not, there ya go haha)

Althea nodded and set up two extra beds for the boys. In minutes, they were all asleep.
(and I'll take a look at Four. Thanks!)

I open my eyes and slowly creep off the mattress, my eyes fixed on Marco's sleeping body laid on a camping beg across the room. He-he… I almost crawl from the living room to the kitchen, filling up a cup of water on the lowest flow I can, being almost silent. Full. I race back into the living room and chuck the water at Marco, "GOOD MORNING HAPPY CAMPERS!"

Marco shot up and punched Alastair. "God. Don't. Do. That. AGAIN!"

In the midst of laughing and holding my now bleeding nose, I fall to the ground and almost rock on my back, "You should've seen your face! Aha! Worth! It!"

Marco had to admit, it was pretty funny. "Fine. Stop getting blood all over the floor."