Outside of this, my name is Antonia and I'm 18. I am a flexible biromantic asexual female, and I'm not religious. Here are some experiences of mine that I have already gone into a little bit, but here they are:
c) My first crush was a girl in primary school, but my second was a boy near the same time. I'm not sure what I would have done if she hadn't been in a relationship during those years, and if I wasn't so shy, but I know I focussed more on the boy during this time. I think the first time I questioned my sexuality was with the same girl, but in secondary school and I said to myself, "It is easier to be straight." because I've always wanted kids, I am terrified of confrontation, and it was 'normal'.
c) I had more girl crushes in school, but since I literally squashed those feelings, I never really noticed besides feeling like I wanted to be around them more.
c) I've never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, never kissed anybody, and I've never wanted to have a relationship until this year when I let myself figure this all out.
c) I didn't know I could be bisexual or biromantic because of how old I am. Everybody else I knew ( and people on tv and books) came out in school so I believed that people 'realised' during school, and I didn't really think anybody would not know after this time. I know I had questioned it but I didn't know.
c) People got bullied in our school. We had posters on the walls each with a different statement like "'gay' lets get the meaning straight" to 'promote anti-bullying. The school held itself high for it's lack of racisms, homophobia and bullying. I got called a lesbian a lot, and it was okay for me because it was like calling a purple person blue in my head. It wasn't who I was so it didn't matter. I got called worse. I got hit a lot. So that never mattered. I had friends who were bi, and they got bullied a lot. I didn't know and I swear if I did I would have gone crazy.
c) I cried myself to sleep after watching Shane Dawsons coming out video, because I was so happy that I wasn't alone. That you actually could still be gay or bi even if you didn't figure it out or realise during school. I felt like an idiot for that to be honest. I know I was crying so much because there was a word. But I was also crying because I felt fucked up (sorry for my language). All this time, I was screaming it's easier to be straight, but how can I love anybody when I'm literally stopping myself from doing that.
c) Every time after and around that, I felt horrible and I hated myself for liking girls, whenever I liked any women.
c) I came out to a friend online three weeks ago. She was the first person I'd told. I guess… I watched Love, Simon a few days before and that might've helped but, I was just so scared of letting myself out I guess. She was great, I did it mid-joke, and it was fine. I told her, because even typing it was hard. I thought, it'd help to tell somebody who I don't care about hating me, or wanting to get rid of me from their lives.
c) I thought about it, and after that I wanted to tell my bi friend in person at college, then my closest friend that I've known since primary who is also bi, then my family. After that, I didn't care who knew or in what order.
c) I told my friend, in person, and I cried. Not a lot, but I was shaking like mad and it was funny because at first she said, "How?" and when I started laughing like, "What?" I started shaking and she hugged me after saying, "Oh god this is really scaring you." which was just so good of her. While she was hugging me, a pansexual friend of mine said in a pretty mean tone, "What? Did she just come out as a lesbo or something?" and I laughed saying, "Bi actually." Worst mistake I've made in a long time.
c) All day, he was making horrible jokes. I took him to the side at one point and kindly said that I wasn't comfortable with these jokes 'yet' and I pointed out that only them two knew, so could he stop. He… toned it down.
c) The next day the rest of my friends, including the Bi girl (kitty), went out to Nandos with me. All of us but this guy. While eating, one of my mates went, "So Toni! I've heard that you've got something to say?" I didn't even think about it, I was just confused like, "Huh?" and then she just goes, "You know? That you're Bisexual?" And everybodies eyes shot to me. No smiles just shock and I fucking wanted to die. I instantly looked at my Bi friend and she just whispered with pure anger, "Jonathan." My other mate quickly realised what happened and, she's Bi too so she just kept saying sorry while my other two mates who are straight kept saying how it's really cool of me and that they're proud but, I just smiled and said it's okay, held my mate to calm her down cause she was fuming, and we happily kept eating. My mate kitty screamed at Jonathan when I wasn't there, and he apparently said, "Oh sorry mum!" and walked off.
c) While walking back to college, I remember hearing my two straight mates shipping me and kitty which I normally didn't mind but… God I was sad.
c) When I got home, I cried a lot and I was so angry because I didn't know why I was crying, it didn't matter. I thought my Mum was gonna be home at 8, but she was home at 6. I came out to my mum while crying, and I remember saying things that I didn't mean. I said that I was sorry, that I didn't want to be, that I was still figuring it out, that I might not be. God…
c) My mum told my older brother, but he pretended that he didn't know. Two days later, I 'told' him, knowing he knew, but still. He is the best big brother ever. He said all the right things that I needed (The whole family will love you anyway, uncle Simon might make jokes but if you have a girlfriend and somebody says something bad, he will knock them out and you know it, I won't tell his girlfriend I'll leave that for you to do etc.) and I told me that he was questioning in school, even had a boyfriend, but realised he wasn't. I told him that even though I hadn't had a relationship, I knew and he completely understood.
c) All of this happened in two weeks. I didn't know how to tell my best friend, but I wanted to do it in person. Two weeks later, we went camping, just the two of us and I think we spent most of that week asking eachother what we thought of different girls either from tv shows, movies, general media, or in school. We talked about what we thought was wrong, right and what needed to change with things relating to the community. Shit, we organised going to gay clubs to try to meet women haha. Still a little too socially awkward for that though I think.
This is a lot, but I think it'd everything I can offer for writers. I do have something somewhere that I'll add on in a sec though. Oh and also, we just bought two male guinea pigs that keep humping, and my mum literally shouted, "WHY IS EVERYTHING IN THIS HOUSE GAY!" I love my family.