forum The forced facade of insanity is a heavy weight to bear // oxo // closed // Mature

Started July 07, 2023 by @ElderGod-Icefire

tune

Erix didn't take his gaze off of Cas as the prince seemed to grow lost in thought once more before he spoke again. How many people in his life had done 'nice things' for him before it was revealed what they really wanted? Far too many to count, he presumed, if he was having issues trusting. Then again, they had only known each other for one day, he had every right to be distrustful and cautious of the man in his room. If the roles had been reversed he would have felt the same way, but as it was, Erix was the one with his mind still intact, he was the one trying to convince the man before him there he had no ulterior motives, that he wasn't like those who had clearly fucked him over before. There wasn't much else he would be able to do, at least not right at that moment, maybe not for a while. All he could do was repeat and reassure as well as he could. Would it even be worth it, though, when Cassio's mind was at risk of slipping away from him in an instant?

There was a knock on the door and his hand moved to his sword on reflex, but then Maura walked in and Erix removed his hand from the hilt of the sword. The guard offered a small, tight-lipped smile in response to the woman, nodding in greeting, too, as she set the table for them. Erix didn't know if he would be able to grow used to that, not when he was so used to cooking and making his own food. He was not a prince, or a noble or lord, he had never had someone bring food too him, before. And honestly, if he had half expected to have to find his own food, or eat on his own. Why? He didn't know, but the guard stood a few moments after the prince did. Erix fastened his sword to his side and crossed the short distance to the table. It smelled good, whatever it was.

"Ah, yes, uneventful indeed," He replied eventually, taking a seat at the table across from the prince, "It has been interesting, to say the least." Trying to get to know the prince, to work his way around his mind and understand what was going on, to try and explain how he wasn't a threat to him and was trying to help. Interesting and uneventful. There would be days where it would be far more eventful, he was sure of that much.

Maura smiled lightly, setting a few more things on the table and then stepping back. "Well, that is good. Remember, if you ever need anything, you can ring, and myself, Nola, or someone else will answer." she ensured that everything on the cart was still in place, and then turned back towards the door. "I'll be back in a bit to collect everything, enjoy your dinner!" and then she wheeled the cart out of the room again, shutting the doors behind herself and leaving Cas and Erix alone in that room, with their nice hot food.

Cas looked over at Erix, then took a bite of his food. "They never give me any knives." he commented, stabbing into a piece of steak with his fork and lifting it to his mouth. "So they aren't going to give you any either." when he finished chewing, he gave Erix another one of those strange, slightly too wide-eyed looks. All the food was pre cut into bite-sized or at least mostly bite-sized pieces, precisely because there were no knives. Not even butter knives.

Cas laughed after a moment, shaking his head and looking away again, gaze flicking down to the food. "Anyway, the food is good, and they'll feed you as much as you want, so you can eat as much of it as you want." that laughter had been strange, not exactly the sound of a normal laugh, but it wasn't as if it was abnormal for him. It was clear that, well, his control might be slipping a little bit, now, as it wore later in the day.

Maybe he could ask for a knife… but then again, he doubted that he would get one. If Marua didn't bring him one to begin with, Erix doubted that she would give him one if he asked now. Rules. Rules and regulations to keep the prince safe from himself, and so Cas wouldn't hurt him, either. The last thing that anyone needed was Cassio lunging at Erix with a knife, and the guard didn't need another scar to add to the array that he already adorned on his body. Each one was a weight in itself, another from the prince would only be an added reminder to his failure to protect him. No knife it was. He could survive for the time being. Maybe at a later date, he would be able to wrangle someone for one. Maybe one for them both. After all, he was going to be letting Cassio use a sword eventually, what harm was there in a knife for some steak?

Luckily, everything was already cut to bite-sized pieces. He wouldn't deny that he found it strange, especially after he had been so used to cutting his own food, and preparing his own meals for his whole life. Well, that had been when there was food to eat. Being a child and having nothing definitely put the whole situation into perspective. Strange was an understatement. Cassio might have been used to this treatment, whether he was sane or not, but he certainly wasn't. Erix had never been waited on in his entire life. Now, being here as the guard to a prince, everything had changed. He was staff, and had not been expecting to eat with the man sitting across the table in front of him. Even stranger.

"Thank you, Maura," Erix replied, nodding to the woman before he turned to his food. It looked good, and he stabbed it with a fork before he looked to Cassio. He was being given that look again. Erix raised a brow but didn't comment or look away until the other laughed, and then he placed the piece of steak into his mouth as the other spoke, "I'm used to no eating for long periods of time, I'm sure I'll be fine."

Cassio hummed faintly. "Yes, but you've got plenty now. You may as well eat it." he replied. "Besides, someone your size probably needs a lot more." it had not escaped him, how much larger than him Erix was. It would certainly be interesting. The other man's size would make it far harder for Cas to physically try and fight him, even if the prince somehow managed to get ahold of a weapon. He'd need an element of surprise.

But he had no plans of attacking Erix at any time soon, so the planning was useless. He ate his own food, watching Erix still. "Did…" he trailed off, second guessing his own question for a long moment. He knew Erix had grown up poor, knew that he probably had never had enough food growing up. "I know that you, ah, could not afford much when you were growing up. What of the army? What was your experience there?"

Cassio, while he had been a talented swordsman and a good strategist, had never had more than a ceremonial ranking. His parents had not allowde him to truly do much beyond a very few fights, and even then there had always been plenty of other soldiers nearby. He had never been in true danger. Some days, it used to bother him. It felt like he had not trule earned a title as a good swordsdman and fighter. But now, when he hadn't touched a sword in years… well, that didn't matter much anymore.

Erix paused before he took his next mouthful of food. He knew that he had told Cas to ask him any questions that he may have had about him, but he hadn't expected him to ask about his past, of all things. There wasn't much to tell, it wasn't interesting, at least to him. Maybe because they were from different worlds the prince would feel differently. Because to Erix, his past was one that had been built on hard work from being dealt the shit end of the stick year after year.

His family had never had enough food. Had barely been able to afford where they lived half the time and it had been a run-down, three-room place that had been smaller than the entirety of the prince's bedroom all together. Nothing exciting, and then again, with two growing boys it had been even smaller. Eria had always had her own room, or at least, as close to her own room as possible when they had only had one door in the entire place - the front door. And Erix had gone days without eating as a child. Even though he had needed food, and was desperate, he had refused to eat until his siblings had been full, and even then, sometimes there was nothing for him. Different to the massive display of food that now lay before him.

He cleared his throat, "The army was…" How could he describe it? Better than living in the slums of the city but not by much. Not when he was an outcast and only had his mentor to guide him and teach him, "An experience. At least there was food on the daily in the army. Something that I certainly had not been used to as a child," And even though he was tall and well built now, those days where he had first joined he had been the skinniest man there, "The meals certainly weren't as lavish as what is presented with, here."

Cas listened, eating bites of his food while Erix spoke. Again, food. His parents had been good people, good rulers, but yet…had they not done much to help the poorer people? He couldn't imagine his mother, kind and lovely, letting people starve. Especially children. But yet, here was Erix. Who had never had enough food growing up. Could his parents really have failed their people so badly?

"Well, the palace is the place for lavish food." he replied softly, pushing away his memories of his parents. Thinking about them for too long always made things worse. The images of their bodies was burned into his brain, and if he tried to think of them, it was always their deaths that eventually flickered to life in his mind. He exhaled, studying Erix for a moment. "How old were you, when you joined the army?" It had been three years since his parents' deaths. Had Erix been in the military at that time? Or had he been doing something else?

He looked down at his plate, at his hands, at the missing fingers. He reached and idly rubbed his fingers over the stumps on his hand, then shook himself faintly and went back to his food. Dwelling on the past would do him no good. Not anymore. Nothing really did. THInking just went in circles, and he could hardly even leave this room to try and distract himself. How many days had he paced this room like a caged animal?

Erix tried to keep his opinions about the royal family to himself. After all, this was the second job he had had in his life where he was employed by one of them, but he had never been overly fond of them, that had always been obvious. At least, that had been Cassio's parents. They had seemed like good people, really, and he had no doubt they would have been at heart, but after living in poverty, seeing people who he had been friends with die from starvation or dehydration, sickness from having not enough medical supplies, Erix was more inclined than most to have less than a positive view on them. He didn't know what Marcus was doing, either, for those who needed help, but it would never be enough in his mind. They deserved more. They needed more. He pushed around the food on his plate, taking another mouthful despite losing his appetite thinking about it.

"I was sixteen," He replied, feeling the prince's gaze on him and refusing to look at the man, instead focusing on his food as he thought about the day he joined, "My brother had passed away not long beforehand. I worried that my sister would succumb to the same illness that took him. I had no other choice, there are not many places that are keen to hire a teenage boy who is known for getting into trouble. My… mentor, saw past that, though."

Rowan had been more of a father to him than his own had ever been. At least Rowan had been there, which was something to say considering his real father had never done so. After his death, too, Erix had decided that that had been enough for making friends or connections. Not that he had had many to begin with. There had been minimal in the army and yet they had died, too, or left for something better. He was cursed, he was starting to believe, that he would never truly have someone in his life permanently. As much as he tried not to think about it or be phased, his heart ached at the thought.

Cassio listened, watching Erix, but he did notice how the other man seemed reluctant to talk about this, reluctant to even look at him. He leaned back in his chair, looking down at his own plate for a moment. "You do not have to answer my questions." he said, lifting his gaze back to his guard after a long moment, studying Erix again. "If you do not truly wish to, then I shall not force answers from you." he knew that as a prince, even a mad one, sometimes people felt that they owed him something.

"I know you said that I could ask questions, and I have, but if you do not want to talk about something, you do not have to." he took a few more bites of food, then pushed his plate slightly back from himself, done eating. He didn't eat as much as he used to, didn't need to eat as much as he used to. His lifestyle was more sedentary now than it had been, and he didn't need to eat as much. he could have gorged himself if he wanted. COuld have let himself eat to the point of illness, and let himself gain weight. But he had not. He had, a few times, attempted the opposite. TO starve himself, and see how far they would let it go. The answer was that after abour four or five days of him refusing to eat, they usually forced it into him somehow.

He had long ago learned that acting out only brought in more heavy handed control, and even more tight fisted grasps on the already very short reins of his freedom. If he complied and rolled over like a submissive dog, things were a little better.

It was hard to ignore the ingrained training that he had been given for the last few years of his life. Erix had been trained and told to obey those who were above him, whether that was his general or commanding leader, the man above him that controlled his actions and moves, the one who could end his career if he so much as acted out. That was even more so ingrained in him when it came to royalty. As much as his feelings towards the family were… strained, difficult to decipher at times when the man before him had struggled so much and didn't deserve the pain that he had been put through, it made it far more difficult to ignore what he had been taught. Don't act out, don't ask questions, be nothing but a good solider. It was already difficult when Cassio was telling him to ask questions about himself, even more so to deny answering the questions he was asked in return.

It was wasn't that he felt he owed the mad prince an answer, more that he couldn't refute what had been hammered into his brain a thousand times over. Erix was no longer hungry. For a man who was so large, muscular and built - a soldier, warrior, through and through, it always surprised others when they learnt how little he tended to eat. But, much like Cassio, he had been raised in a lifestyle that had followed him through to his adulthood. there was little he could do now to ignore it or change it, not after so long.

"I know," Erix replied after a moment, looking up from his plate to the prince on the other side of the table, "But, if we are to be together for most, if not all, hours of the day, topics such as these are bound to arise. I have… no qualms with speaking about them, it has just been a while since I have done so. Forgive me for my hesitancy."

"There is nothing to forgive you for." Cassio responded. "We have only just met, and i have practically interrogated you about potentially sensitive matters. We will, ah, learn about each other as we spend our days together. I should not have rushed finding things out about you." even if he was a touch worried about it. Even if he was concerned about what Erix wanted, concerned about his own safety around a man who could easily overpower him… interrogating Erix about his past wouldn't help anything.

He exhaled, and finished up his own dinner, then pushed his chair back and got up from the table. "Maura will be back to collect the dishes in a bit, so don't worry about that." he said, pausing in place for a long moment, and then giving his head a quick shake and making his way over to the window, looking out of it as dusk crawled over the palace gardens. "I…must admit that holding my mind together is very tiring, and I am nearing my limit for today." he glanced back over at Erix. "My capacity for intelligable conversation may be, ah… strained. But, I have cards, and we could play a card game."

Playing cards would be less of a strain, and, well, if he lost… it didn't matter that much. It would be pretty easy to do it with little to no conversation, and with the gameplay to distract his mind, it might be easier to talk anyways. Or maybe it wouldn't. He… wasn't really sure, honestly.