Day 5
" If you were able to leave without hurting anyone, would you, and if so why? "
If I was able to leave without hurting anyone, that means either I have no one to care for, or no one cares for me. Why would you want to stay in a situation like that? I would leave and go somewhere where I can feel the wind in my hair and the grass beneath my feet, I would go to start a new adventure, a new life, a new chapter in my book.
Day 5 " If you were able to leave without hurting anyone, would you, and if so why? "
I'm thinking of the 1946 movie It's a Wonderful Life (not, I repeat not to be confused with the 1997 movie Life is Beautiful which was a predecessor, let's say, to Jojo Rabbit)—just, shifting to a parallel universe in which I was never born and find out how everybody's getting by. It would be interesting if I could examine that other world…honestly, no judgement, like "oh so I was always the problem the whole time, was I, there's no climate crisis or dictatorships on this planet if I'm not here huh" or "of course everybody I ever met is so much worse off without me and they don't even know why: I'm a living rainbow made of joy hearts in holographic neon glitter." I doubt it'd be either extreme, it'd just be different.
Ask me 15 years ago and I definitely would have said yes, because every waking moment was plenty of pain. Ask me 2 years ago and I definitely would have said no, because I had the sheer good fortune to get the tools to work through the issues that made life such a pain a decade or so before—and 2020 was going to be my year! (The cruel gods laugh.) Now…? The 21st century of human society on planet earth hasn't exactly been uninterrupted happy fun times for most people. I think I have the dubious privilege of curiosity about what happens next—but, I would be equally curious about what's next if I left.
So, I don't know…just have the wish-granting genie or angel or whoever is giving me this option give a twenty-sided dice a roll and if they roll an 11 or above then I'm gone. It's not that it makes no difference to me, I'm sure the experiences will be very different from each other, but I'm equally curious about both so I can't decide. (This is also what happens every morning if I am faced with more than one breakfast option: catch me at noon weeping with indecisiveness over three differently-flavored packets of instant oatmeal.)
Day 5
" If you were able to leave without hurting anyone, would you, and if so why? "
sure, why not? it's always an adventure, starting a new life in a completely different place, where no one knows you, like moving to a big city or even another country, where there's no one to judge me. I'd miss my old life for sure, but I'd be more interested in the present and the future. honestly, I wouldn't really care if my family was sad about me leaving. it is I who matters the most in my life.
Day 3
" How do you cope with your pain? "
I usually write poetry or songs, sometimes I draw or write a scene in my head, or just watch YouTube and eat junk food. Not very healthy, but it does help.
Day 4
" What's the best advice someone has ever told you? "
This wasn't exactly advice, but something someone said to me and really got me thinking. I was in fourth grade at a state robotics championship, the winners would go to the global event. I'm not sure who he was, maybe a referee, but someone told me "Good skill" rather than "Good luck", and that really got me thinking about how, if I want to succeed, I can't rely on luck all the time.
We didn't make it to World's because of a tiebreaker, but I still had fun, my best friend on another team made it to World's, and I still have our team's t-shirt!
Day 5
" If you were able to leave without hurting anyone, would you, and if so why? "
That's kinda vague, but any way I interpret it, I wouldn't. Now that I think about it, I like it where I am in life, and although things have to change eventually, at this point, I'd rather let it happen slowly and more naturally instead of uprooting myself. Eventually, I definitely want to go places and see the world, but I also don't want to do it alone, and not right now.
Day 5
" If you were able to leave without hurting anyone, would you, and if so why? "
Yes. I don't know where I would go, but a place aside from where I am now would be nice and liberating.
Next question is about religion. This is a nonjudgmental thread, so whether you’re an atheist or not, any answer is acceptable. As always, feel free to skip this question if you’re not comfortable.
Day 6
“ If you had the chance to sit down and talk to God, what would you say or ask? “
Day 6
“ If you had the chance to sit down and talk to God, what would you say or ask? “
I'm an atheist, but if there is a God, I would ask them "what the flipping heck have you been doing while the world you created is tearing itself apart?"
Day 6
“ If you had the chance to sit down and talk to God, what would you say or ask? “
"are You a sadist? or a writer, just like me? watching people suffer from above or below, wherever You are, do You like that? You've given us freedom, right, but aren't You tired of seeing millions of people fighting wars in your name? I know that You've created us so we could live, but why would we live in a world full of hate? tell me everything what's in your mind. I need to understand."
I like to see God as a writer, and we're living in His book, as my characters live in mine. and I'm putting them through hell to make them cherish their happy ending more. but not everyone in the world has a happy ending, so I'd like to have a deep conversation with Him about that.
Day 6
“ If you had the chance to sit down and talk to God, what would you say or ask? “
I'm unsure. I've personally never believed in a god. Though if ever I had to ask one something, I'd ask them what they have planned for me.
Sometimes my life feels like it's without direction, or them I'm supposed to give up on what I love most, or that I'm supposed to hurt people. Or even that my life has just come to a standstill, and there's no way to recover from what feels to be the greatest low in my life. So I just wonder, is there really a god out there with good intentions? Or am I my own god, one that's tearing me down in spite and hatred of myself?
Day 6
"If you had the chance to sit down and talk to God, what would you say or ask?"
I honestly don't know what I'd say, ask, or even do.
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Day 5
" If you were able to leave without hurting anyone, would you, and if so why? "
TW: Depression & suicidal thoughts mentioned
Yes, yes; a thousand times yes. I think im such a bother that I physically cannot force myself to speak, cause I feel I'll bother someone by opening my mouth, even if I want to, not in class when called on, not to the cute girl in my english class, not to my parents about how I want to off myself, nothing. Even when the voice in my head is like 'just say it, just say it, JUST. SAY. IT.' I cannot do it, and its honestly really painful, so yeah I'd like to just whoosh, not exist. But like for real, I wonder how the people I know, would be affected, how would their lives be different? sometimes I contemplate this topic to much in my freetime but yeah-
Day 1
" What color would you describe yourself as, and why? "
A dark mossy green (hehe i bet you werent expecting that one). It's such a comforting color and it reminds me of a forest during the sunset. It's dark but warm, a bit like me. Im pretty quiet and shy around new people but once I get to know them I'm a lot more comfortable. (Also funny story, my friend and I made moodboards for each other and the one she made for me was almost entirely green).
Day 2
“ If your life was a book, what would it be called?
I honestly don't know. I'd be surprised if someone made a book about my life. I think I'd be the one writing it so it would be an autobiography. It would take me ages to think of a title.
Day 3
" How do you cope with your pain? "
I listen to music, draw, try to get out of the house. Just whatever I can to get my mind off whatever is bothering me.
Day 4
" What's the best advice someone has ever told you? "
That every day is a new opportunity. Even if yesterday wasn't good, that doesn't mean that the next days wont be better. If you messed up, you can do better in the future.
Day 5
" If you were able to leave without hurting anyone, would you, and if so why? "
No. Some part of me is filled with hope and wants to fall in love. And there's still so much to do. I feel like my life has barely even started and I have so much dreams for the future.
(not me spending my time writing these instead of my actual journal writing for my classes)
Day 7
" What's the most unforgivable thing someone could ever do to you? "
Day 7
" What's the most unforgivable thing someone could ever do to you? "
not respecting my privacy. if someone just touched me, my things or go through my stuff on purpose without my permission, I would never forgive them. this is my private space, my comfort zone, and no stranger should be allowed. I don't want my thoughts to see the light of day. one day my friend scribbled something in my notebook and I couldn't gather my wits for a month. I felt hurt and became even more insecure than I was at that moment. I don't really know why I acted so weirdly because of such a trivial problem, but from this day on I knew what is my biggest weakness.
Day 7 " What's the most unforgivable thing someone could ever do to you? "
I'd say the upper limit of that, the most unforgivable thing, is murdering me. It stands to reason that I'd be too dead to process what happened, and forgiveness wants a process.
The least thing which still levels off in the plateau of Thou Art Un-Personed…huh. I don't want to say that I follow my emotions all the time, like attack close friends' vulnerabilities with snark whenever I'm hangry, or whenever a television show I like took a turn for the disappointing, and then never apologize "because I honor my feelings" or some other rationalization—but I do check in with my own feelings a lot, because those are a big factor.
For example, back at school I had this dream that everybody had pinwheels, but this one boy at school would take the pinwheel that others had and then break them. I shouted at him to stop, and he laughed at me like it was obvious he wouldn't vandalize my pinwheel and that I should be flattered. In waking life, this boy existed and he'd pick on people for things like speech impediments—but I guess he'd liked my face, because he'd treat me nicely. I really didn't like that because it obviously wasn't rooted in his being a good person in general. I didn't care if I benefitted compared to the disabled people he picked on; it felt wrong and gross to ever have this attention, and it came out in recurring nightmares, like that with the pinwheels.
I won't Un-Person somebody because of one bad dream, but it's my dreams and feelings that usually tell me when I've put up with too much of a bad thing.
I don't expect people to be telepathic when it comes to my personal boundaries, like "Don't pass on a message from somebody too cowardly to give me a direct and civil talk, because I refuse to hear any problem they have with me from anybody but that specific person who has a problem with me," or "For the third time, I'm not telling you my home address!" Sometimes people want to be peacekeepers or intermediaries and they genuinely think they're helping rather than being manipulated or enabling passive-aggressive cowardice; or they want to know where I live because they want a pen pal for like feeling nostalgic about the mid-1990's when snail mail was still a thing—not because they want to break into my home while I'm sleeping and steal both my kidneys.
I give the benefit of the doubt a lot. Maybe somebody forgot the first two times I said that I'm uncomfortable with divulging where I live, and that I'm uncomfortable with their continuing to pester me about where I live after I already said that I'm uncomfortable.
So, it's not usually one big thing that happened—not like, one time a person paid back a debt they owed me in unrolled cents, or one time they giggled at a cruel and untrue joke that somebody else was saying about me that I overheard…that alone doesn't get me going, "You're dead to me, you are Un-Personed."
Instead, it's usually a pattern of petty yet disproportionate "vengeance" combined with the entitlement to the continued friendship (or even admiration) of the same people they punish for imaginary slights; underhandedness, one-sided transactional approach to relationships, self-centeredness at everybody else's extreme expense, chronic boundary violation, resistance to processing criticism, egotistic deflection, hypocrisy, ultimately detrimental performativity, "dishonesty" that may or may not be a refusal to admit that they can't remember what they actually did to somebody else's detriment for some out-of-proportion vengeance for an imaginary offense—but is still a lack of basic critical thinking and reality checking skills that everybody should have—and other very stressful dynamics to be mired in for any amount of time in our finite mortal lives.
There's always reasons for all that which must make perfect sense to the perpetrators at the time, and to contextualize those behavioral patterns in a specific way—conclusively, people who act in this way probably can't control their behavior and do need therapeutic help or to get into a much better situation that they're in.
Even with that understanding, what I'm usually more inclined to do is cut and run. When it's reached that point that I decide to do this, then it frankly doesn't usually matter if they get better or where it comes from: I won't forgive them, I'm just not the forgiving type. I'll remember how all the misguided layperson's patience and understanding I invested before that point hollowed me out into a husk that used to be a human being with every twisted, careless disappointment they turned it into, how many more times I remember being deceived and used, and the dread will drop in my stomach whenever I hear their voice or see their face for decades after cutting them out of my life, and—exposure therapy, schmexposure therapy—I'm going to remain more inclined to Nope from their interactions.
I've wasted decades of my life on a birth family dynamic that involved all of that and worse, and they never got better—they are awfully self-righteous about not having to be better as people. The toxic demand/expectation for loyalty has ruined what should have been the best years of my life, and could have ruined the rest of my whole life.
Now that I've found people to keep in my life who take scrupulous care to be honest and fair, who won't punish me for voicing my perspective or having needs that they're not central to all the time, who we can respectfully debate with one another and find more growth and insight than unresolvable argument, and who reliably show genuine compassion…Why would I put up with so much less than that basic common decency? Nobody's perfect, but cruel Fates deemed fit to introduce me to several faces of evil, subtle and not so subtle. It's hardly the same as garden-variety basically decent person's imperfections.
Day 7
" What's the most unforgivable thing someone could ever do to you? "
probably promise me something and be there for me, then randomly leave for no reason, or talking stuff about me behind my back.
Day 8
" Are you happy with the person you've become today? why or why not? "
Day 8
" Are you happy with the person you've become today? why or why not? "
somewhat, I think. I surely am happy with my today self in comparison to me a few years ago. I understand more about human nature, I know what I am and I'm not afraid to make mistakes, even though my mind sometimes refuses to believe it. I'm glad that I grew up to be myself. and I don't need to go through the dark ages of puberty, now that I've entered the age of enlightenment.
but in comparison to my future self, I'm not so glad at all. still, I strive to be even better. I don't fully understand the human mind yet, I can't really sympathize with anyone, I can't be brave. yet. I hope that as I age, I'll become someone's guiding light. somebody will look up to me, and will try to be someone like me. I want to be known, I want to be admired.
even though, I still don't know if I am really becoming better. maybe my worldview is misleading me, and I am becoming somebody's burden. but I have time to figure that out. we never truly stop learning, and I believe that my adventurous future self will be proud of my past road to kindness.
Day 8 " Are you happy with the person you've become today? why or why not? "
Yes and no, depends on the certain aspect of myself we are focusing on. When discussing my self worth I think i'm doing great, I no longer let people walk all over me, let alone disrespect me. Discarding my gender dysphoria and the automatic self-hatred that come with it, but when it comes to the days when my dysphoria is slightly silenced more that usual, I find somewhat comfort in my physical appearance, which is more than I ever had. When ut comes to standing up for myself, I no longer let my toxic family members say rude and hateful things to me, without saying something back; most people look at this as me being 'disrespectful' but I don't care, they've said some pretty fricked up shiz to me, but I no longer let them get to me like they used to anymore.
But when it comes to myself as an entirety, maybe this is the self hate talking but, I feel genuinely disappointed, considering I let people walk all over me for this long, but I am proud im planning my future so early, though I still have two years until I graduate and move out. I have been planning what im going to do with my life for the past 6 months, which is a huge step forward for me, both now; because I've never been one to plan that far ahead, and for my future self, for having a plan to follow.
Day 7
" What's the most unforgivable thing someone could ever do to you? "
I don't think there could be a thing more unforgivable than the things I've done to myself. I've been my greatest hindrance in most that I've pursued, and over time, I've had a hard time finding a way to forgive myself for it. Though I can't quite call that lack of forgiveness a hatred.
Day 8
" Are you happy with the person you've become today? why or why not? "
I can't quite say whether I'm happy or unhappy with myself. Though, from who I was a few years ago, the changes I've made have been for both better and worst, but despite the bad I've done, I'm glad to have done it. Because it means I've truly changed as a person to recognize it as bad. So even if I'm not happy with myself, I've made changes I'm proud of.
Day 8 Are you happy with the person you've become today? why or why not?
Mostly yes, because so much of that personal work was learning how to be happy. Early in life I had an incapacitating amount of anxiety and depression, and when I figured out where all of it really came from (not only genetic predisposition and brain wiring, but a family legacy of abusive behaviors combined with inequalities in the world) then I got pretty consumed with rage. I regret not having the guidance and support that I needed while much younger, and it would have been best to have always had that and grown up properly—but it's better to have grown out of all the bad stuff eventually (as in, taking at least a decade) than never at all.
If I can come down with a bad flu that leaves me bedridden for fewer than eight times a year, and I don't have some internal thought generator in that situation fill my mind with "useless, worthless, lazy"—which it doesn't anymore—then that's practically a life purpose achieved.
I can be very happy with the mere absence of distress and misery, really.
That said, when I did have an intrepid vision of the future when I was a child, I sure didn't think: "I want to be orphaned, without a university or vocational education, with inessential skills, with moderately compromised executive functioning, and unemployed during a global pandemic and climate crisis in the age of late-stage capitalism and the gig economy." Personal growth by itself doesn't cover the rent, bills and groceries.
I thought I would have the first draft of a full-length novel done and submitted to the slush piles of several prestigious publishing houses before the age of 20. I didn't make it to that reality.
What with the Plague going around and new strains popping up left, right, and center, it's a simple fact that I don't know how much time I have left—or in what unpredictable and undignified ways this lifetime will be permanently terminated.
Still, the main difference between who I want to be and the way I am now are more steps that I haven't taken yet. So, it's slow going, but I'm more optimistic about getting there…compared to the version of me in a parallel dimension probably where I got to go to university, and the global pandemic never happened, and I did publish a novel by the age of 20 and still managed to be anxious and depressed about it like I Guess I Live Here Now. In the homeworld version of what happened instead, at least there's still the potential to become a little more happy with myself tomorrow.
Day 7
" What's the most unforgivable thing someone could ever do to you? "
Use me. That's just the simplest way I can put it. I'm a headstrong, independent, stubborn-ass human being and just the mere thought of someone messing with me just sets my nerves on fire. I need to be my own person. I just- I can't even bear the thought of falling into line and being just like everyone else. If someone consciously manipulates me and uses me as a pawn for their own plans just makes me want to scream. I am not an object, and I don't belong to anyone. I am a human being who makes my own choices and has my own life that nobody, and I mean nobody, should mess with or even be in.
Day 8
" Are you happy with the person you've become today? why or why not? "
This is a hard one because I've never had expectations for myself. It might sound depressing but a philosophy I live by is "if you walk into something without expectations, it's impossible to be disappointed." The thing is, I've never really had an idea of who I've wanted to be, so I don't really know if I should be happy with who I am or not. Sure, there are ways that make me go "agh, why did I do that?" or "maybe I could've done this differently," but the past is the past, and there's no point on dwelling on it. What's done is done and I can't wallow in self-pity or loathing because there's no way to change it. There's really no point in not being happy with myself because I know that there's no way to go back and change it, only make a plan on how to do better in the future.
Day 9
“ What’s something you could have told your younger self? “
Day 9
“ What’s something you could have told your younger self? “
"Don't care about what other people think".
I don't think I need to explain this one so elaborately. I've spent too many days of my thinking "but what will they think of me?" but now I know that it's not that important. I can walk through my city with my friends wearing the craziest clothes we could find and I wouldn't care about others as long as they don't offend me directly. I wish I had that confidence a few years ago.
Just wanted to say, I'm appreciating everybody's well-written and insightful responses!
Day 9 “ What’s something you could have told your younger self? “
Remember how at the end of The Amber Spyglass there was this big thing about "what you knew by grace that now you've lost, you can regain by study"? You can't study harder to keep it, but you're not going to have your sharp working memory and writing poetry you're proud of skills for long. So, I know that you think you need to tidy up after yourself because you're planning to go…but, uh, that's actually not going to happen no matter how many times you try. You're literally losing your mind. Don't throw away your notebooks full of novel outlines and poems that you're actually proud of. You won't actually remember them, because your sharp memory is shutting down in self-defense, and it's not coming back as sharp as you're used to it being. You probably won't believe anything else I tell you about how there's an other side to this heckscape you're going through, as in, it will pass and you will get better…but just…don't… throw…all your notebooks…away…
Day 10
" What's a moment that changed your life? Was it for the better or the worse? "
Day 10
" What's a moment that changed your life? Was it for the better or the worse? "
the most life changing moment for me was almost 10 years ago, and I still remember it so clearly. my friend and I were thinking about how to name our newest childhood game. I came up with a name so good, that we both immediately agreed on it. I thought "wow this almost sounds like a title of a book or something" and from this day on my passion for writing started growing. I started to write down the stories we were playing, and this is how I became a writer. I wouldn't be here if not for my friend and our game. I would be a completely different person.
Day 10
" What's a moment that changed your life? Was it for the better or the worse? "
I think when I came out/telling people I like girls, though it distanced me from my old friends, it showed me that they were not really my friends in the first place, considering they didn't accept me for who I am. Its made me a lot of new friends, having a thing to bond with other LGBT members over, but it has also cause a lot of new great pain, considering my stepmom, that I live with, is homophobic. So determining if it was for better or worse, I would say better, its made me feel alot better about myself.
Day 11
" What do you see yourself doing in 10 years? "
Day 11 " What do you see yourself doing in 10 years? "
I'd have finished the vocational courses I wanted to take in business management and accounting, and at least have started my own publishing house with an art collective style approach to content creation. Every writer in my employ will get three months off a year to work on their passion project that won't be affiliated with the cash-grabby entertainment side of the publishing house, it'll be a rule: don't give me your creative "babies", we're writing to make the money to fund your vacations at which you'll be really writing.
I just wanna be a cornerstone of financial security. (So apparently I'll place a startup-capital sized bet on reading still being a lucrative form of entertainment in 2031. In the science fiction, fantasy, and horror genres. Nobody insert the clown emoji all up in my dreams just yet, it could happen…)