Rin gave him another little smile, pressing soft kisses along his cheeks. "You're welcome, my darling." he said in a soft tone. "You are not foolish for having fears and insecurities. I promise." they closed their eyes for a moment, nuzzling his cheek again, still above his partner.
Arquis relaxed and let them shower him with kisses. When he felt them nuzzle against his cheek, he decided he should probably start things up again. He softly thanked him for all the reassurances before bringing his hands to cup their hips. He leaned forward so that his lips grazed their neck, then spoke.
"I did say that I would kiss all of you, my love. He drew a long breath in, letting them sit in anticipation. His voice was low and seductive. "Every part, if I remember correctly. And I was nowhere near finished."
It was a little bit harder to do considering he was lying flat under them, but he ducked his head and began in the same place that he'd left off. He sucked on his collarbone, then slowly kissed his way to his side. Once he was there, he stopped to look at them. He gave their hips a gentle squeeze before shifting to cup his chest. His breathing stuttered. He grinned against their skin before nipping at the left side, then the right.
(if it's going to get any more, ah, heated, then we should take it to PMs. andrew (Our Supreme Lord and Overseer) doesn't like smut/sex in public forums)
Rin inhaled softly, eyelids flickering. "Do you, ah, wanna be on top, then?" they asked softly, his own breathing trembling just a little bit at the kisses and nipping, at the way Arquis was touching and treating him. "Darling." for all Arquis's claims to not know what he was doing, he was doing quite well.
(oh yeah haha I was gonna ask in this message actually if you wanted to move it or if you'd prefer a fade to black type situation? either is fine with me, so it's whatever you wanna do—I could also find a way to end/interrupt the scene! there's no pressure for any option, just whatever you'd prefer)
Though he was encouraged by the way they were reacting, Arquis still wasn't quite sure how to proceed. His lack of experience was showing. He could kiss and bite and do all sorts of small gestures, but he wasn't comfortable taking the lead. That was what had made him insist that they should switch in the first place. He wouldn't be able to stand it if he did or said the wrong thing. His movements slowed, and he pressed his cheek to their left shoulder.
"Oh. I, um, would prefer to stay where I am," he replied, though it trailed up at the end as if he was asking a question. He cleared his throat and stared at a spot on the ceiling. "If that is alright?"
(lol either one is also fine with me, so we could go to PMs, then?)
Rin nodded a little. "That's fine, darling." he replied softly. "We can stay like this. I just wondered if it might be easier if you were on top, but it is quite alright if you would rather remain like we are." they reached to run a hand through Arquis's hair, shifting a bit to balance on their other arm.
(alrighty then! I’m not actually sure how to send a message there so would you mind sending it?)
(I got it!)
(soo I actually cannot message you because you don't have an @ symbol in your username. If you want me to do the message, you need to go in and edit your profile. You shouldn't actually have to change the username, just go in as if you're going to change it, then resave it and it should give you an @)
(I think I might’ve changed it to the @ format? let me know if that didn’t work though!)
(perfect, thanks!)
[Day Twelve]
Arquis awoke with his face in the crook of his lover's neck. Even without checking the time, he could tell that it was very early in the morning. There was hardly any light at all filtering in through the window, and it was unusually quiet. He was tempted to give in and return to sleep. His rest hadn't been peaceful, but it had left him refreshed, and he could always use more of it. He was halfway back into dreamland when his mind finally caught up with his body. It flooded with memories of the previous night.
Fear prickled at the base of his skull. His mouth went dry.
He'd enjoyed it. Of course he'd enjoyed it. They loved one another, and Rin had treated him with nothing but kindness and adoration. Why, then, was his heart starting to race? Why was his stomach churning? He bit his lip and tried to steady his breathing. Everything was fine, wasn't it? Why was he starting to panic?
But he knew why. He'd told Rin all about it the previous day. His father's lectures and shouting matches. His family legacy. His image. He felt his palms go cool with sweat, and the bitter taste in his mouth grew more severe. What if someone had walked in on him and Rin? What if one of the workers had overheard? What if his appearance at The Cecilia Rouge had been the subject of rumors? What if Honey was secretly working against them? What if they got caught?
What-ifs ran endlessly through his head. He pulled himself out of Rin's reach and made a hasty beeline for the bathroom, the only private space his frightened mind could conjure. The door slammed behind him. He went to his knees by the tub that they'd washed in, yanked up the lid of the toilet, and waited. Nothing happened, but he still felt terribly sick. Desperate, he crammed his fingers into his mouth and down his throat. That did the trick. He retched until his throat was sore. He was trembling nonstop. Tears burned in his vision, threatening to leave him as quickly and fiercely as the breath from his lungs.
Rin awoke when the door slammed, eyes blinking open. He looked around for Arquis, before spotting the closed door. He paused for a moment, then heard the retching. "Oh, no." They breathed. Had they pushed things too far last night? Had they overstepped boundaries and hurt their partner somehow? He took a deep breath, getting out of bed and knocking gently on the door. "Darling, are you alright?" He asked, running a hand through his hair and blinking tiredly at the closed door.
Arquis blanched. He hadn't really been expecting for them to come to the door. He hadn't really been thinking much at all. His body had acted purely on instinct, driving him forward as the result of panic. And now he was kneeling on the floor, sick, breathing hard like he'd run some great race.
Logically, he knew there were steps that he should take. Pull his hand from his mouth, close the lid, take a few breaths to calm himself, and tell his partner what was happening. They would understand. They had seen his panic before. But this felt different, something to be ashamed of. Something physical, something disgusting. His lover had seen him ill before on the mountain, and he'd seen him doing so as well over the past couple of days, yet this wasn't that. This was an intentional purging of the negativity inside him, and it was ugly.
He couldn't talk around his fingers, but even if he'd been able to, he wasn't sure what he would say. That he was sorry? That he didn't regret what they'd done, even a little? True as that might be, he was worried that they'd hear it as the opposite. He was out of options.
In the end, the only answer he gave was a choked sob.
Rin took a deep breath. "Darling, can I come in?" they asked softly, hand resting on the knob but not opening it up. He didn't want to come in if Arquis did not want them to come into the room, but they wanted to make sure that he was alright. "Is…are you okay?" he was worried, though he tried not to let it show too much. He couldn't help, though, the way his voice sounded, couldn't help the notes of worry in it.
Those notes of worry in their voice were enough to propel him to act. His hand slipped from his mouth, dragging against his tongue on the way out, and he sagged against the bathtub. The air left his lungs in great, strained huffs. He could barely see through the door because of the tears in his vision. His mouth tasted terrible, all sour, and his fingers felt disgusting. They were slightly pruned, like they'd been in water for some time.
"I am not," he said. Or rather, he tried to say. He was breathing so heavily that the words came out wrong. He flattened himself against the tub, grateful that he could feel the press of the cool porcelain through his shirt.
His panic worked in an inescapable loop. Every time he thought of the situation, of how pathetic he felt, he also thought of what had gotten him in it. And every time he thought of that, he immediately felt sick again. Wanting to gag made him even more anxious, as it would undoubtedly make Rin worry. Thinking about Rin made him think about what they'd done, and thinking about that made his fears surge even stronger than before. This would cause the thought loop to work backwards at an even higher intensity than before. Eventually, once it reached the start, the cycle would start again.
"Rin," he sobbed, bringing his knees to his chest. It was the worst episode he'd had in quite some time. That one word was all he could manage. He hoped it would convince them to come in, but he also hoped it wouldn't. He didn't want them to see him like this, but he really needed help.
Rin hesitated for a long moment, but when they heard their name sobbed out like that, he opened the door and came straight to Arquis. "Darling, what is it?" he asked softly, wrapping an arm around his partner's shoulders. "Is this…what's wrong?" he didn't know how to ask just what was wrong, but he did know that he wanted to help Arquis. He wanted to make all of this better, somehow.
Once they were settled, Arquis immediately lunged for him. He couldn't answer their question. All he could do was cry into his chest, making an awful mess that only made him feel worse about himself. He was disgusting. Nobles prided themselves on their image. They would literally kill to maintain their beauty and fortune. Anything that seemed too human—sickness of the non-tragic sort, acne, weight gain, poor posture, slow speech—was seen as shameful. Nobles were supposed to be almost ethereal, far above all the rest. They weren't meant to be huddled on bathroom floors after vomiting. They weren't meant to be so short of breath or splotchy-cheeked, and they certainly didn't cry like he was crying. If they cried at all, it was dramatic; it was pristine. Their tears rolled slowly down their cheeks as they reunited with lovers or faced some grand travesty.
He was a failure. Everything he'd learned was going to waste. Muria would be furious if she could see him. That thought was enough to make him ill once more, and he nudged Rin out of the way so that he wouldn't ruin their outfit. He waited for a moment before realizing that, like before, nothing was going to happen unless he made it.
"Do not watch," he pleaded, voice high and scratchy, before following the same steps as earlier. It was humiliating to do it in front of Rin, to make himself sick while they were in the room.
Rin held him, releasing him again when he pulled away. "Darling…" He breathed. They followed Arquis's request, eyes flickering down to the floor. Even so, they winced when they heard the sounds of retching. "Darling, what can I do to help you?" He didn't know what was wrong; didn't know if Arquis was ill, or if he was…what was going on. He really didn't know. But he was not judging his lover. He just wanted to help.
Arquis closed his eyes and slumped back against the tub. His entire chest was heaving from the effort. His hand fell limply to the floor, and he had the sudden urge to stand and wash it in the sink. If there was no physical evidence of what he'd done, then, his frantic mind reasoned, Rin wouldn't be upset. They could pretend that he was just feeling sick and move on. But even as he thought that, he knew it wasn't true. Authentically sick people didn't hyperventilate or cry, at least not to such a worrying degree.
That second round left him feeling empty. He was glad for it, in a twisted way. It was a familiar sensation, one he basically worshipped. Though he wasn't supposed to be thinking that way anymore. He was meant to be making progress. Eating. Healing. This was a setback. In truth, however, what he'd done hadn't actually been related to his issue. He hadn't making himself ill because he couldn't stand the calories or the weight of the food inside him. He'd made himself ill because he was panicking. His stomach had started to turn on him. It had been the fastest way to make himself feel better.
And honestly, he did feel better. The attack was on the decline. His throat burned, stomach ached, and breath was likely horrid, but his panic was fading. He lowered himself down onto his side and shifted so that his head was on their knee.
"Nothing you can do," he mumbled softly, riding out the last waves of anxiety. "Just in a bad way."
He gently rested his hand on Arquis's head, lightly stroking the nobleman's hair. "Oh, my darling." they said softly. "Is this…is this because of the food?" he asked, not wanting that to be the reason but unsure whether or not it was. "Or…or is it something else?" they kept trying to soothe their lover, even though they had little to no idea what was going on, or why Arquis was feeling so bad. But they wanted to help, no matter what the reason was.
"Something else," Arquis confirmed in a small voice. The hand in his hair was starting to relax him, even though there was still plenty left to be worried about. His eyes opened a crack, and he looked out over the tile floor. There was a bottle of some sort of soap sitting nearby that he couldn't read the label of. He stared at the bubbles inside it for a while as he thought out what to say. No matter what, he couldn't leave them without an explanation.
"I started thinking of my family. My father." The crease in between his brows deepened as his expression grew tense. "Muria. All that is expected of me, and everything that I was meant to become. I do not regret choosing a different path. I do not regret choosing you, love, nor do I regret what we did last night. But…" He sighed, scrubbing at his cheek with the knuckles of his clean hand. "But I became overwhelmed. I could not stop thinking of all the ways I would be punished for it. How much I would lose if anyone found out. How they might hurt you. So I was feeling sick, and I just… I just had to get it out."
Rin listened quietly, still gently stroking his lover's hair. "I see." they said softly. "I'm sorry, my darling. I know this is not my fault, but I am still so sorry that you felt this way." he let out a faint, soft little breath. "You are not going to be punished for this, love. I won't let it happen. Muria is never going to be able to get to you to hurt you." their voice was soft, but firm. They believed what they were saying. "I promise."
(hey so I've been wanting to ask—at some point I do have a bigger plot thing I want to insert that'll change the setting and kind of the track that the story's on, and it'll involve a lot of Arquis's family history and stuff, but I wanted to ask and see what you thought about that first. I don't wanna give too much away on what I want to happen, but I was wondering how soon maybe you'd be alright with it occurring? cause I know at one point you mentioned maybe Lysander coming to the inn. also, I know we have the whole ari/honey plot we were talking about but that could technically still be worked in with this change—ari/honey could just come along or something similar. but anyways it doesn’t have to be super soon I’ve just been thinking about it!)
Arquis shuddered and dried his eyes with his sleeve, trying not to let sentiment overtake him once more. He laughed, but it was bitter and forced, like was talking to a rude stranger at a party.
"She is very powerful," he spat, then softened. As if he were painting, he traced his index finger in swoops and circles along their knee. His expression was still dark, yet it wasn't as openly angry. "Powerful enough that I am not certain this plan of ours will work. There is so much that could go wrong. So much that might. I know I should not think like that, but I cannot help but consider all of the possibilities. Everything that could tear us apart."
Muria's face swam in his mind. She always looked disappointed in his memories. He didn't have very many of her smiling or laughing, and he especially couldn't recall a time in which she looked at him with love. As a really young child, perhaps, before he got so plump. Or maybe even as a preteen, when he started to get involved with traveling, family finances, and polite society in general. That was all so long ago. It felt like a blur.
(i mean sure? I still haven't made up my mind about bringing Lysander in or having them run into him later on down the line, if/when they end up in Kevra or something (I know at some point we had discussed the possibility of Rin's father visiting the Palace de Vey, so Lysander could come along if we do that?). But anyways, if you'd like to work in some other things with ARquis's family history then that's fine with me :) and yeah Ari/Honey can come along if/when we do it)
"It will work." Ari said softly. They would make it work. They technically outranked Muria, and they would pull rank if they had to; a prince, even a prince of another country, outranked a noble no matter the status. He didn't want to pull rank, and he couldn't spill that secret just yet, but he would if he had to. If it was the only way to keep them both safe. "I can protect us, my love. Trust me." he bent to kiss Arquis's forehead, still trying to soothe him.
(actually that would work! because the setting change would involve going back to the Palace, so after some stuff there was worked out, then eventually Rin's father and Lysander could come visit? but that whole process wouldn't have to even start until a couple more days or so in the story have passed anyways, I'm just asking in advance cause I've been thinking through it)
Arquis nodded, though he wasn't quite convinced. "Thank you, my love," he responded softly. When Rin gave him that forehead kiss, he actually smiled. It was small and trembling, but it counted. "You might not want to, ah, kiss me on the mouth yet. I really need to brush my teeth."
The prospect of getting up and actually doing it sounded like a struggle. He groaned. Luckily, he'd managed to keep his clothes clean, but his mouth tasted horrid. He let them stroke his hair for just a moment longer before pulling himself upright and giving his teeth a good scrub. The toothpaste tasted of something vaguely minty, but it wasn't the pleasant sort of mint. He pulled a face in the mirror. There were some breath mints in one of the cabinets, and he popped one in between his lips. That would certainly help.
"I look a mess," he joked weakly, cringing at his reflection. His hair was tousled from all the caressing, and his eyes were puffy. His lips were cracked. He tilted his head back and forth, observing the various hues of his face. Purples and reds and pinks. He looked very much like he'd had a hard cry, which was accurate. It made his heart ache.