Arquis shuddered and tucked his face into the slope of their shoulder. This was pathetic. He wanted to sob, but he didn’t dare give himself the satisfaction. Rin granted him too much mercy already. He would be cruel to himself in their stead.
“I know it is bad, but I need it. I need it, love. I cannot stand the person I am when I am full. I cannot bear the way that I look.” He couldn’t bear it even when he was underweight, either. If he kept going, then maybe someday he could. Maybe someday he’d look in the mirror and finally see someone thin enough. Maybe at that point he would even give himself a compliment. He wasn’t sure that day would ever come. No matter how hard he’d worked, how much he’d restricted, he couldn’t quite seem to get there.
“Please do not be mad,” he whimpered into their neck. “I know I broke our agreement. I just could not manage it.”
"I'm not mad, love." he whispered, holding Arquis close. "I'm just…I'm just disappointed, and worried." he kissed the side of Arquis's head. "And I want you to know that no matter what you look like, I will care for you the same, but I cannot sit and watch as you destroy yourself." they coughed softly, turning their head to the side so that they wouldn't cough all over their lover. "Please."
Disappointed. Arquis always knew he’d disappoint them somehow, but hearing the word aloud felt like a burning coal had been dropped into his stomach. All of the air left him in a short, strangled exhale. He felt like screaming. It was so unfair. Rin didn’t have to try to be attractive. They were naturally gorgeous. He would’ve given it all to look even a fraction as handsome as them. He traced one of their hipbones with a finger and battled down a surge of envy. How dare he be jealous? Gratitude was the emotion he should’ve been feeling. To be given so many chances was a kindness he didn’t deserve.
“I do not know if I can do it,” he admitted, sounding defeated. “It feels awful, Rin. Every single time. It feels as if my throat is closing, and I cannot stop thinking about- about what it will do, about where those calories will go. I- I do not- I cannot help it. I want to be better, and I know I should, but it is so, so hard.”
Rin held onto Arquis, shaking their head faintly. "Darling…darling, your body uses those calories for energy. It uses them to keep you moving, and healthy. And, yes, it stores extra calories, but you need those. Arquis, love, you're so thin I can feel your bones." he kissed the side of Arquis's head. "You're so light that it worries me. You're over six feet tall, darling. I should not be able to carry you as easily as I could."
Guilty joy bubbled in his chest, and he had to stop himself from smiling. They really did think that he was thin. All his life, he’d worked for that, the sensation that would come when someone else called him light. The admiration in their face, possibly even a touch of envy. But Rin was not jealous. They were worried. It stung. He’d worked so hard for this—why were they so insistent on taking it away? Rationally, he knew the reason, but he didn’t want to believe it. Doing so would mean all the years he’d spent training—starting with picking at dinner, hiding food in napkins, and then, eventually, swapping meals with coffee and forgoing eating entirely—were not spent fixing his body. They were spent punishing it. And he just couldn’t accept that, no matter how many times he admitted shallowly that it was bad.
“I have worked so hard for it,” he choked out, the truth spilling from his lips in a mimicry of his previous thoughts. “I know I am not- I am not attractive, but if- if-” He stopped. He wouldn’t cry. “I just wanted to be liked.” Not loved. Sure, he’d wanted to be loved, too, but for a long time that hadn’t been plausible. To even be tolerated would have been good enough. “I was not when I was heavy, so I thought- it was the one thing I could control. And now I cannot stop.”
"I know, love." he whispered, heart aching at Arquis's admittance. "I know you wanted people to like you, and I know you could control it. But, lovely, you are attractive, and you will be attractive still when you gain weight back again." they didn't say "if". They didn't want to say "if", not when saying "if" would only let Arquis think that this wasn't something that needed to happen. "And I care deeply for you, darling. Your sisters care about you. There are people who like you and people who love you, even if your mother does not." he knew this must be where it was stemming from, that Muria must have something to do with this in some way. "And there are ways to be healthy that don't involve starving yourself, and neither do you have to be heavy. There is a middle ground, you just have to be willing to find it, and darling, this is not the middle ground. This is…this is starving yourself, and it's not healthy."
When they said that he cared about him, Arquis let out a tiny, wounded noise. He didn’t cry—he still wouldn’t allow himself that—but it got rather close.
“I do not feel attractive,” he admitted tearfully. His breath hitched painfully. Without meaning to, his hand crept to his stomach and squeezed the skin there. He pictured stretch marks streaking the flesh of his thighs, his hips growing thick and soft. The images made him feel frantic. He couldn’t go back to that, no matter how sweetly Rin spoke.
“I thought I would. I thought it would be better when I lost all the weight. And since it was not better, I thought that meant that-” His voice broke. Several ragged gasps came tearing from his mouth, but he still didn’t cry. “I thought that meant that I had not lost enough. That I had not tried hard enough. That I should keep going. And I want to keep going, I want to so badly. I can still feel it, here,” he grasped his calf, “and here,” he clawed at his stomach again, his least favorite part of himself, “and here,” he pinched the underside of one arm.
“I want to be healthy, I promise, but I just- I just cannot stop thinking about it. Every meal, every snack. Even when I drink. I cannot escape it. I do not know how to overcome it. I am not sure that I can.”
Rin took a breath, reaching out and gently pressing his palm to Arquis's stomach. "That's not fat, my darling." he said softly. "That softness you're feeling is normal. It's your stomach, love. Your internal organs." his touch was gentle, and he didn't pull away. "Your organs will always be there, and they're soft. That's just how your body works. It needs those organs to survive, and those organs need food to survive." they kissed Arquis's cheek. "I know this is going to be so hard for you, Arquis, and that's okay. I'm here, and I'm going to help you through all of this." he didn't quite know how best to address this; what they could do that would help Arquis.
“Well, I wish my organs were smaller,” Arquis gritted out, but most of the fight in him had dissolved at that simple touch.
He wasn’t sure how to feel. Rin wasn’t disgusted by his stomach, at least not visibly. But he should’ve been, his mind argued, because it was repulsive. It had been the first part of him that anyone had ever commented on. Muria made many negative remarks about his poor physique as he aged, but his father had been the very first to point it out. They’d been at lunch, and he remembered Aurisi’s firm hand landing on his shoulder. He’d scolded him for needing some clothes resized. Then, as if to teach him a lesson, he’d taken away his new shirts and made him wear the old ones. They hadn’t fit. Arquis had refused to come out of his room, too embarrassed that his friends might see him in such a state, and had missed several meals in a row. That was his earliest memory of going without; he supposed it had started earlier than he’d previously thought.
Arquis realized with a pang that he’d been rambling for a few minutes. He wasn’t sure how much of that memory he’d shared. His mouth snapped shut. He hooked his arm around their midsection again and nuzzled into his shoulder.
“I am going to try to be better. But if I mess up again- I might. I might mess up again.”
Rin let Arquis talk, heart aching for how terrible the nobleman's parents had been to him. "Darling, it's alright. It's alright if you mess up again. I am not expecting you to be perfect, or to always make perfect progress. I am only asking for you to try, and to do your best." he cupped Arquis's cheek with his hand. "That is all I am asking for from you. I do not need you to be perfect. Only to try. It's okay if you mess up, but please tell me when you do. I am not going to be angry at you for missing a meal, darling, and I would never punish you for it."
Their patience was going to kill him. He leaned into the warmth of his palm and looked up at them through his dark eyelashes. The blue of his irises was almost swallowed by his pupils. He blinked away tears.
“Alright,” he whispered, turning and kissing the base of their thumb. Gently, he mouthed down to their pulse point, then rested the side of his face against their wrist. The lighting of the room made his cheekbones appear too sharp, almost threatening to burst through his skin. His skin was dry, his lips slightly chapped. He felt rather hideous.
“Alright,” he repeated, “I will try again. I will do my best. And I will let you know if I cannot, if I make another error.”
"Okay." he said softly. "Thank you, my darling." they leaned forward to kiss Arquis's cheek, giving him a soft smile. "You're going to be okay. I promise you will, sweetheart. We're going to work through this." he knew this was going to be hard, and they just wanted to support Arquis through all of this.
Arquis blushed when they referred to him as their darling. It was awfully nice to be someone’s anything, but there was something so sweet about the way Rin had said the phrase. He placed a small kiss at the corner of his mouth and ran his fingers down their side. His partner really did have such a lovely figure. He wished that they weren’t feeling so poorly, though he was very glad that he seemed to be doing a bit better.
Which reminded him. The flush grew darker, and he cleared his throat. “Is Ari…” he trailed off when he realized he wasn’t sure what he wanted to ask. “Does Ari think that I am, ah…”
His brows drew together. Peculiar? A bad match for Rin? Selfish? Irresponsible? He wasn’t sure which was the right question, but he needed some sort of an answer. He hadn’t meant to pressure the young man into leaving. It was still horribly embarrassing.
Rin cocked his head faintly, unsure what Arquis was trying to ask them. "What do you mean?" he asked softly. "I'm…not sure that I quite understand." they kept holding Arquis, arms wrapped around him as he held the nobleman close to themself. They cared about Arquis, and were glad that they had been able to convince him to try.
“I fear that I have made a terrible first impression,” Arquis responded, sighing. The lump in his throat had returned. His words from earlier circled in his head: he so desperately wanted to be liked. In the past, he couldn’t afford it. He’d had too many secrets to hide. But he didn’t have to worry about that at the inn, at least not to the same degree. “He is your closest friend. I really wished to impress him, but I feel as if I did exactly the opposite.”
The truth of the matter was that Arquis did not exactly have friends. He had at one point been close with a group, but he’d left it once his father had passed. The world had lost sense and meaning. He’d been grieving in a strange way for a man who loved him poorly, and yet he hadn’t had time for grief. Muria had become the official head of the Palace, but he’d been placed in charge of mostly everything. Planning events down to the smallest detail, scheduling deliveries and repairs, writing letters until the joints in his fingers throbbed. He hadn’t had time for friends, but even if he had, he couldn’t have shown interest in anyone. He didn’t get the luxury.
So he was outcast. Belittled, but only behind closed doors. Subjected repeatedly to the pranks and cruel rumors of the very people he served. The few people that had liked him either found reasons to turn a blind eye or joined in on the festivities.
Rin cocked his head faintly, listening to Arquis's words. "Oh. Darling, Ari doesn't care about being impressed." they said, reaching up to gently run his hands through Arquis's hair. "He knows this is stressful for the both of us, and he's not going to hate or judge you ill for being stressed and a little out of sorts." he gave the nobleman a gentle little smile. "I promise."
Arquis grinned dreamily at the hands in his hair, and he melted against them like soft wax. His lips found one of the corners of Rin’s smile. The kiss he left there was quick and chaste, teasing of something more. Of course, they couldn’t actually do anything more. His partner was still very sick and possibly contagious. He just wanted to show his appreciation for their help.
“We did have a very interesting talk while you were resting,” he said, tone colored with amusement. “You might have to ask him for the contents of that particular discussion.”
Rin raised his eyebrows, curious as to what this discussion could have been about. "What do you mean?" he asked, smiling a little bit. "What sort of conversation have you been having with my best friend, darling?" their voice was light and slightly teasing, and they gently ran their fingers through Arquis's hair.
Arquis laughed and planted another light peck on their cheek. Their touch felt wonderful. He shivered, embraced them snugly, and let his forehead drop to his chest. He didn’t even have to look for his favorite spot; he found it instantly and nuzzled against it. The rhythm of their heart brushed away the last of his worries. He felt all warm and rather tipsy, like if he continued to drink in their essence he’d be fully love-drunk. It brought a boyish blush to his face and eased the hard lines in his forehead. When he finally did look up at him again, there was a lopsided quality to his grin.
“We had a couple of short yet very interesting discussions,” he restated, pausing only to playfully nip at their collarbones. “One of which was about, ah, how shall I put this?” His hand softly squeezed their side. “The act of making love. Very enlightening.”
He laughed, raising his eyebrows at the topic. "I see, I see. I do hope that you were not giving each other pointers, that would be a touch embarrassing." he replied, holding onto Arquis. They were feeling better, though still a bit weak and sickly and a touch chilled. They still had a low grade fever, too, though it certainly was not as bad as it had been earlier.
Arquis hummed and pulled the blankets tighter around the two of them. It felt safe in their little cocoon, with his cheek against his chest. He stayed still for a little longer before responding. His breathing naturally synced with theirs, growing slower and steadier.
“Mm, not quite.” He did not mention the fact that he’d jokingly asked Ari for tips, though his complexion went rather pink. There was a mischievous glimmer in his eyes. “He said that we should have a discussion on the topic whenever you feel up to it. He also was very adamant that he not receive any of the details of said discussion. Whether or not you decide to fill him in—well, that I cannot control.”
This thought was punctuated by him tracing a small heart onto their hip. It was both an innocent and subconscious gesture; he truly wasn’t hinting that he wanted more, not while they were feeling poorly. He then searched out one of their hands and knitted their fingers together.
He let out a soft breath, laughing again. "I see, I see." he replied. "We certainly should, but perhaps not now. I am still feeling ill, and you should eat something." they hated to bring it up when they knew that Arquis would not like it, but it was important. Arquis needed to eat, and Rin would keep reminding him until he did. He kissed Arquis's cheek softly. "And again, darling, I would never pressure you into anything sexual that you do not want."
The remark about eating flattened Arquis’s mood rather quickly. There was a pain in his stomach that wouldn’t go away. It took him a minute to recognize what it was: hunger. He didn’t get legitimately hungry very often. He had adapted to his eating schedule—or lack thereof—and his appetite was frequently nonexistent. That was why he was surprised when that empty, hollow pain stuck around. His body was finally starting to get fed up with not being fed, apparently.
“Alright,” he sighed. He kept their hands entwined, even when he moved to get a bowl of the food Ari had brought. The support was needed. Though it wasn’t as bad as earlier, he still felt a bit weak. His head had begun to pound with the beginnings of a nasty headache. He settled against the pillows when he’d gotten his tray, frowned, and shifted so that he was in Rin’s lap. His back was against their chest. He tipped his head to kiss his jaw, smiling as he did it.
He ate about half of the meal before his thoughts began to sour. The hand that wasn’t clutching his fork went to find Rin’s once more. He swallowed another bit of food before becoming overwhelmed. Too much. He could feel it in his throat. It was suffocating.
Rin wrapped his free arm around Arquis's waist, holding the nobleman's hand when Arquis reached for it. "I've got you, darling." he whispered. "You're going to be alright." he kissed Arquis's cheek, arm still wrapped around him. "You're doing so well." they knew that Arquis might not be able to finish the plate, but this was progress. He would prefer if Arquis ate the whole thing, but they also knew that eating half of it was so much better than what he had been doing previously.
Ultimately, Arquis did not finish the plate. Half was the best he could do. Part of the issue was, well, his problem, but the other part was that he became full rather quickly. It was a bit worrying for someone as tall as him to be able to eat so little. He knew that was just another item in the very long list of things he’d have to work on.
He set the dish somewhere to the side and turned so that they were chest to chest. At least it was over. He left a trail of tiny kisses down their neck, draping his arms over his shoulders.
“Would you like me to go and fetch Ari?” he murmured. “I imagine that the two of you would like to spend some time together, hm?”
