Rin laughed a little bit, and was a touch disappointed when Arquis began to pull away. "Why…what do you mean?" he questioned, raising their eyebrows faintly, but didn't try to stop him from pulling away. Arquis was well within his rights to pull away, and Rin was not going to force him not to.
“You have not seen me in a similar state,” Arquis responded. He anxiously fiddled with the edge of his shirt. His entire face was aflame, as was his neck. “And, um, that general area is supposed to be kind of sensitive. I did not know if you were alright with that sort of contact, or if it would, ah, do anything else. That you had not wished for. If that makes sense?”
He wanted to curl up in the corner of the bed and turn invisible forever. His shoulders had begun to inch up towards his ears, as if they could hide him, and his teeth were gritted. He felt ridiculous and a bit rude for not having asked Rin first. Wasn’t he supposed to be taking care of them?
“And so, I am sorry. For all of that, and for not asking permission first. I had not thought it through.”
"Oh." Rin replied softly, studying Arquis for a long moment. "Well. I don't mind." their voice was soft and quiet. "I did tell you that you had my permission, and, ah, it is my choice not to button my shirt, though I certainly can if it makes you uncomfortable." he laced his fingers through Arquis's. "And, darling, I would have told you if I were uncomfortable."
Arquis nodded emphatically. “You should always tell me if I have done something to make you uncomfortable. Always. No matter the time or place.”
His eagerness slowed, transforming once again into that nervous shyness. He fidgeted with their fingers for a few moments. The furrow in his brow grew deeper. And then, he sat up. Placed his hands on the bottom of his shirt. Swallowed.
“If I were to, um, take this off,” he began, voice small and afraid, “would that be alright?”
The question meant a great number of things. He was asking if it would make them uncomfortable. He was also asking whether it’d be fine for him to take it off even if they weren’t going to go all the way. He was asking if they would reject him if he did, if he would be turned away for his body. And he was asking if they would be gentle with him, because he didn’t think he could take it if they laughed.
Rin nodded a little, releasing Arquis's hand when he pulled it back. "Oh. Darling, you do not have to remove your shirt if you do not feel comfortable doing so. And…it would be alright with me if you wanted to, so long as you actually want to take it off, and are not doing so simply because I did."
Arquis’s jaw clenched as he nodded, and he wasn’t surprised at all to find that his eyes had gotten misty. This had almost always been a hard subject for him, but it had gotten worse with age. He took a few long, deep breaths. Everything was alright. Rin cared for him. They knew how he struggled with his image. He wouldn’t make jokes or snide remarks, wouldn’t tell him to cut out sweets and coffee. They wouldn’t pay anyone extra to size down his clothes if he ever gained weight.
The shirt came off slowly. He shivered when it did, and not just from the cold. His upper half was worryingly thin. Everything about him was too sharp. Also concerning were the thin scars on his stomach. There were a couple of them, one of which extended from his hip to just below his ribs.
He wrapped his arms about himself, extremely self-conscious, as he lowered himself back against the bed. “Is this still alright? Do- do I need to put it on again?”
Rin watched quietly, no judgment in their gaze. Worry did cloud their features, for a moment, as they realized just how thin Arquis was, and again when his eyes saw the scars. "Darling, you do not need to put it back on again unless you want to." they wrapped their arms around Arquis. "But, ah…you are very thin, love, and it…it worries me." their voice was oh-so-soft, and still free of any judgement. He didn't say anything about the scars; those weren't his business, even if he was worried that they were self-inflicted, or inflicted by someone else. Either option was…was awful.
(well this is sad)
Arquis must not have heard them right. They sounded so soft. Nobody had ever been so kind to him, not when seeing him like this. He remembered being thirteen, barely a teenager, and having a dressmaker pinch at his pudgy hip. She’d been cordial enough, at least, to express her disapproval in a few nasty words. His father had never been so curt. He remembered a very long lecture about keeping his figure trim in order to impress ladies. Nobody, Aurisi had said, could love someone so heavy. Try as Arquis might, those words never really left his mind. Which was why he smiled when Rin said he was thin.
“Oh. Thank you,” he said, beaming, and then frowned. The compliment had gone on. Why was Rin worried? He understood the eating thing. Food was energy, and he didn’t always take in as much as he should. But watching his weight was supposed to be a positive thing. Everyone had always told him that it was proper. “I am not sure that I understand.”
(yeah)
Rin blinked at the way Arquis first responded, cocking their head faintly. "It's…you are a little bit too thin, love." he gently traced a finger along Arquis's ribs, wincing a little at the way his bones were visible against his skin. He hated to seem at all critical, not when Arquis had been so apprehensive about taking off his shirt, but he was beginning to think Arquis had been apprehensive due to a completely opposing reason. Arquis seemed to think he was…well, overweight, maybe, when he was the opposite. No wonder it had been so oddly easy for Rin to carry him, that day in the snow.
“Too thin?” Arquis repeated. He looked down at himself, trying to make sense of their words. He didn’t think he was too thin. In fact, he didn’t really think he was thin at all. He brought his hands to his hips and mimicked what that dressmaker had done. Cupping the skin there, then pinching and squeezing it. Not gently, either. His lips flattened into a line.
Rin’s wince hadn’t gone unnoticed. That, at least, he understood. He too winced whenever he looked at himself shirtless. Which was why he almost never wore revealing clothing. He often put layer upon layer, vest on button-up, jacket on top. Nobody else had to see what he often saw.
“This is upsetting you,” he said in a sad tone, hurt but not angry. “I should not have done it.”
Rin shook his head a little, kissing Arquis's cheek. "No, darling, I'm not…I'm not upset. I am only worried that…that maybe you aren't eating enough." their voice was still so soft and quiet. "Can…can…" he trailed off, gently taking Arquis's hand and putting it on their own ribcage. "Do you feel that? The layer of muscle– or fat –between my skin and my bones?" his voice was still that soft, gentle tone, void of any judgement.
(i'm heading to bed. not gonna be too active tomorrow, either, sorry)
(that’s alright! no need to apologize, just hope you’re ok :) goodnight!!)
Arquis nodded very slowly. He swore he could feel his pulse in every part of his body. His mind was cruelly telling him that this must have been Rin’s plan all along. Wait until he was fully undressed. Wait until he was vulnerable, at their mercy. And then show him that his body was inferior to theirs, that they had strength and beauty while he had nothing at all. But Rin wouldn’t do that. They weren’t cruel. His partner was sweet and passionate, and despite Arquis’s best instincts, he did trust them not to break his battered heart.
“I can,” he confirmed weakly. If they weren’t trying to mock him, then what was he doing?
(I'm fine! Just out and about with friends today)
Rin nodded slightly, then placed Arquis's hand on his ribs. "Do you feel that here?" They asked, voice still very soft and quiet. "Or do you just feel bone? Because I can only feel bone." They weren't trying to hurt Arquis, they were just trying to show him that there was something wrong. That he couldn't continue living like this.
(oh nice have fun!!)
Several emotions flickered through his eyes. First was confusion, then pain, and he finally settled on denial. He shook his head, lifted their hand from his skin, and kissed it.
“Well, we have different body types, my dear. I am taller than you.” That explained absolutely nothing, but he had to give some sort of justification. Otherwise, he’d have to face the truth, and he couldn’t possibly do that. “And you are stronger than me. It would make sense that we are not exactly the same.”
He kissed their hand again, pressing one to each of his fingertips. His love for them was evident in the small gesture, and when he looked to them again, he smiled gently.
(thanks!)
Rin's brows gathered very faintly, but they decided not to press it too much tonight. This was clearly a hard topic for Arquis, and they didn't want to hurt him. "If you say so." they said in a quiet tone, not wanting to agree and let Arquis think it was all fine, but also not wanting to argue and potentially hurt his partner.
Arquis stilled. He took their hand in his own again and settled it over his own heart, which felt, for reasons unknown, as if it was shattering into a million pieces. His eyes were damp. He tried to hide them behind his sleeve, then remembered that he didn’t have a sleeve. His forearm would have to do.
“Are you mad at me?” he finally asked, voice trembling faintly. The unsteady, nervous rhythm of his pulse was distressing. “I did not mean to be a bother. I just- I thought-”
He didn’t know what he’d been thinking. Did he think that Rin would automatically fall in love with his body? Why had he decided to take the shirt off in the first place? Everything would have been better if he’d just kept quiet.
"No, darling, I am not mad at you, and you are not a bother." he said quickly, reaching out to hold Arquis. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." that was true; they had not meant to upset him. "I was just…I've been worried about how little you eat, and…" he trailed off, shaking their head faintly and pressing a kiss to Arquis's brow.
“But I do eat,” he protested, though it was halfhearted. Rin knew that he struggled with it. They’d had that discussion over a meal already.
His hands shook as he pulled Rin even closer, draping his leg over their hip. He began to wonder if he actually liked the proximity. Arquis knew somewhere deep down that his partner was truly just concerned, but his spiraling thoughts told him otherwise. Rin loathed the way he looked; they thought he was repulsive; he only touched him because they felt forced. The thoughts went on and on and on, and he looped back to his previous way of thinking. They thought he was too big, too much, too heavy. He’d end up crushing them.
But Rin had said thin. Multiple times. Arquis set his hand on his own rib cage and took a breath. Then another. He cautiously placed that same hand back on Rin’s chest, mimicking what they’d done minutes before.
“Oh.” And that was it. Just soft and sad, a tiny little exhale of a word, like he’d had the air punched out of him. It took him another minute before he could speak. “It… it really is bad.”
"You hardly eat anything." they whispered, holding Arquis gently, and just watching him as he mimicked the earlier actions. Watched as realization dawned in Arquis's eyes. "It is, love." they kissed Arquis's cheek softly, rubbing his back gently. They did not say anything else; they would help Arquis all they could, but change had to come from the nobleman himself. All Rin could truly do was support and care for him, no matter what.
Arquis didn’t say anything for a long while. His hand kept rubbing slow, repetitive circles into his own skin. Feeling his own ribs. Hoping that he’d been mistaken, that there was nothing wrong with him after all, but knowing that it was the truth. What he was touching was real. Even if his eyes betrayed him, even if his mind spat bitter, terrible insults, his hand wasn’t lying.
“Oh,” he said again. His jaw was tight. He finally let his fingers skim down to his hips, which he’d pinched, disgusted, just moments prior. He gave them another squeeze. Once again, he could feel bone. There was hardly any muscle or fat there; most of it was taut skin. It wasn’t as if he was a skeleton, but he had let it go too far.
It felt as if his entire world had suddenly shifted ninety degrees. Everything he’d known to be right was wrong and vice versa. Suddenly, all of the excuses of the past week or so flooded his mind, and it dizzied him like a rush of blood to the head. He’d lied about having breakfast. On the day he’d fallen ill in the snow, he’d avoided eating entirely. And then there was every time someone offered him a meal, and he would smile and take a sparse portion, feigning fullness from another time. He’d all thought it was fine. Just trimming down. Just keeping an eye on his figure. Just maintaining his look; the head of such a strong household had to have a certain look.
He realized he was speaking without thinking. It was just a stream of apologies, one after the other. He didn’t know what he was apologizing for, but they wouldn’t stop.
“Oh, Rin, love, I am sorry. I am so sorry, love, I am so, so sorry.”
"Shh, hey, it's okay." he whispered, holding Arquis so, so gently. "It's okay, my darling." they kissed his forehead again. It was painful to see the nobleman so upset. "You're going to be fine. It's okay, I promise. It's okay. We'll work on this. Everything is going to be fine." they knew it would be. They didn't mind reminding Arquis to eat, if that was what they ended up needing to do.
The apologies trailed off, but Arquis was still making small, pained sounds, like he’d been wounded. And in a sense, he had. What scraps were left of his pride had been eviscerated; his heart ached.
Why had nobody ever said anything? Had they not seen him withering? Muria, he understood, and Quirisa as well. They hadn’t been on good terms, up until recently. But why not Marsiquia? He knew as soon as he thought it that the question was unfair. She was a child. It wasn’t her responsibility to look after her adult brother. And he did remember, in some corner of his mind, some degree of concern on her face whenever she’d needed a hug. Perhaps that was why she’d always requested that they get hot chocolate after she’d had a nightmare. Or perhaps she really, truly just liked hot chocolate.
Thinking of her calmed him down a little. He began to pull himself together. No tears had been shed, but he wiped his face anyways, then gave Rin a kiss.
“I am alright. Truly. This is nothing. I can recover from it. I can.” Saying it was one thing. Doing it was another. He pictured eating breakfast the next day before finding Lovey and immediately shoved the thought away. He hadn’t had three full, well-proportioned meals in a single day for a long time.
"Yes. You can recover from it, and I will do my best to help you do so." he said softly. "And we're just going to start with two full meals a day, darling. I know three would be hard for you, so we'll start with two and a light snack at mealtime, and eventually move that snack into a third meal." they hoped that this would help. That this would work. Maybe Arquis could eat breakfasts and dinners, and a light snack at lunchtime, just to get his body used to eating something at those times.
(just want you to know I was listening to something as I typed and I accidentally typed "breakfasts and children" soooo that's how my Monday is going lmaoo)
(pffff not the children lol)
Arquis felt pathetic. Was he truly in such a bad state that two meals seemed like a challenge? He’d had one that day, and already he could feel himself burning with a desire to go out walking. His father’s words clawed their way to the front of his thoughts: nobody could ever love him if he kept gaining weight. But Rin did care for him, and Aurisi generally had not. Or at least, his brand of love wasn’t the kind that Arquis had needed.
He could do this. He had to do this. The only other option was failure. Of course, failure had never seemed so appetizing—or unappetizing, he supposed—before.
“Alright,” he whispered, resting his head on their shoulder. “But that will start tomorrow, and it is currently tonight. And I… I think I just really need to be held more tightly right now.” His voice hitched up like a question at the end. “And to be told that I look nice, even though I do not.”
(lol)
Rin complied, squeezing Arquis gently. At the man's final sentence, they sighed softly. "Darling, did I ever say you did not look nice?" they asked, voice still light and soft and gentle. "I don't believe I ever said that. Yes, you are worryingly thin, and I would like to help you change that. But you are still lovely, darling." he kissed Arquis's cheek softly, smiling a little bit.