Rin shrugged very faintly. "I just treat you the way you deserve to be treated." they said, letting out a quiet hum. "I'm here for you, Arquis, no matter what." their voice was soft and gentle. He didn't know what had messed Arquis up like this, but they were not going to hurt him.
That brought a fresh wave of tears to his eyes, but he managed to hold them back. For years he’d thought that he wanted to hear those exact words, and yet they felt like a lie. If he told them what he’d done, they would have to take them back. Nobody would love him if they knew the truth. Not even Marsiquia, who loved easily.
But perhaps that was what he truly deserved. To be hated, to be cast out. To feel a fraction of the pain he’d caused.
“Rin,” he said in a shaky voice. It sounded like he was faintly nauseous. “Rin, if I- if I told you-”
Rin kept rubbing his back. "You don't have to tell me anything that you are not sure that you want to say." they said, looking down at the nobleman. "I don't need to know what happened or what you may have done, not when it is something that so obviously upsets you."
“You are not at all concerned about what it might be?” He screwed his eyes shut. “It is terrible, Rin, truly terrible, and I would not blame you if you did not want to be around me after you learned of it.”
The nausea hit him again at full force. He moved away from Rin and dropped his head between his legs, trying to regulate his breathing. How would they react if he really told him? Would they tell the carriage driver? Get him arrested? Or would they wound him for his actions?
They thought for a moment. "Provided you have not raped someone or hurt a child, I have a lot of forgiveness in me for everything else." Rin replied honestly. He kept a hand on Arquis's back, gently rubbing between his shoulder blades. "You're a good person, Arquis."
“Do not-” Arquis broke off and swore loudly, his lungs straining for air. “Do not say that. Please, not after everything that I have done. I do not- I do not deserve to be told that, I do not-”
He stopped and counted to ten in his head. The vice grip he had on his knees released, though he could still feel his nails digging into his skin. He wondered if it’d bruise. Probably. He deserved a lot worse. He deserved all of the hatred that would come his way when he told the truth. Which was why he was going to.
“When I was v- very young,” he began, pausing to breathe. If he didn’t slow down, he’d hyperventilate. He couldn’t believe what he was doing. Only one other person knew the whole story, and he couldn’t bear to think of her.
Was he making the right choice? He really didn’t want to tell him. It felt like he was dying, except worse.
"You don't have to tell me." Rin said in a quiet tone. "You really do not, Arquis." They were curious, and they wanted to know, but at the same time they did not want Arquis to feel that he had to tell them. They couldn't beat the heartbreak in Arquis's voice, could not bear the way Arquis sounded so broken. "Please, Arquis." They stroked the nobleman's hair with their free hand.
“I cannot live with it anymore, I cannot- I cannot keep lying about everything. You should know what k- ki- kind of p- per-” His trembling grew so intense that he had to stop. He bit his lip before daring to attempt the sentence again. Nothing came out of his mouth. Another moment passed as he struggled to work up the courage to continue. “You deserve to know what kind of pers- person I am, Rin.”
Rin let out a faint breath, still rubbing Arquis's back to try and soothe him a bit. "Please, Arquis…" he trailed off, unsure how to continue his sentence, what he could say now that would help. So they didn't say anything, just kept rubbing his back and gently stroking his hair, quiet.
Arquis took a long breath in and moved down to the furthest seat the carriage. He was not sure he’d be able to say what he needed to if they were to keep touching him. No, he’d always been too selfish. He would crumple too quickly; give in; let them soothe him with sweet lies. Only distance would get him through it.
“When I was very young, I had terrible asthma. It was so bad that I had to take regular visits to the doctor.”
He couldn’t believe he was about to tell them everything. He’d had nightmares of confessing for years, and here he was, doing it in in such a mundane environment. If he tried really hard, he could almost pretend it was a story about someone else, not himself.
“One winter, I went out in the cold by myself, and I got lost. I had an attack that was so severe that it nearly k- killed me. But it did not. I recovered. And I came out of it with a new fear.” He covered his eyes with his bandaged hand, which throbbed with pain inside his glove. “I was so scared of running out of breath. Because I had come so cl- close to running out, and I did not want to d- d- die like that.”
He fumbled suddenly with the collar of his shirt, ripping it open. The carriage was spinning. His fear felt like it was coming true. He gasped several times, clawing at his throat, before catching his breath enough to continue. He would get through this story, even if it killed him. Especially then.
“The following springtime, I developed my- I developed my ability.” Here it came. He battled his nausea, wishing that they hadn’t encouraged him to eat. “I could steal the air from others.”
That was all he was able to say before he slipped from the seat to the floor. He hadn’t meant to; he just didn’t have the strength to stay upright. It almost looked as if he was praying to Rin, his head bent over his clasped hands.
Rin listened quietly, watching Arquis and listening to the words that came out of his mouth. He got up from his seat, sliding over to crouch beside Arquis and place his hand on Arquis's back. "I'm sorry." they said softly. "That sounds awful." magic was such an odd thing to them. They could never make up his mind about how he felt about it, not when abilities so often ended up so awful.
Arquis was so far gone into his own mind that he didn’t recognize who was touching him. He jerked away, eyes wide, and threw his arms up to shield his face. He was suddenly eighteen again, scared out of his wits, bleeding profusely from his palms. Afraid of pain but not of death; afraid to speak but not to scream.
The present hit him like a plunge into icy waters. He gasped, blinking furiously until his vision cleared, and then lowered his arms.
“Oh,” he whispered, barely able to form a cohesive sentence. “Should I keep going? I can. I can, I promise.”
Rin backed off the second Arquis jerked away from him, holding up his hands to show that they meant no harm to Arquis. "Shh, it's alright." he whispered, trying to soothe the young nobleman. "You do not have to continue if you have no wish to, Arquis. I will not force you into anything that you don't want to do." they hesitantly reached out to place their hand on Arquis's shoulder, wanting to comfort him but not knowing if their touch would be okay.
Instinctively, Arquis shrank away from their hand, flattening himself against the nearest seat. It took him a whole half minute to relax even the slightest bit. He forced himself to lean forward and let them touch him.
“It is not about what I want,” he insisted, almost begging. “I do not get to want things. Not anymore.”
Rin's touch was feather-light and barely there, not wanting to further up set Arquis. "No, this is about what you want, and nothing else." they replied in a soft tone. "Tell me what you want from me, what you want to do right now, and that is what we will do." it broke their heart, how upset Arquis was right now.
His face crumpled instantly. An unwelcome tear rolled down his left cheek.
“I want you to hold me again and tell me that everything is alright, even though it is not. And I want you to kiss me like you do not hate me, and I want you to pretend that I am normal, and I want- and- and I want to be happy without feeling guilty.”
He scrubbed at his eyes until they stung, then went on, whispering, “I just want to be happy. And I want to make you happy, too, because you are so, so good. And I want to stop flinching whenever you try and touch me, and I want to please you like a partner should, and- and-”
That was all he could manage. He felt like he tried to swallow glass and some had gotten lodged in his throat. The more he spoke, the more torn up he was on the inside.
Rin gently wrapped their arms around Arquis, holding him close. "Your magic makes no difference to me, Arquis." he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to the nobleman's cheek. "We're going to be fine. I promise. I care about you for you, the way you are, and I do not want or need you to behave any differently towards me. Okay? I promise you that." he rubbed Arquis's back gently, still trying to soothe him.
“It was not the magic that is the bad part,” Arquis croaked, “it was what I did with it.”
He blacked out for just a second, and when he came to, he was really glad that he was in their embrace. He’d slumped against him, his body a deadweight, and now his forehead was pressing into their chest. The four walls around them spun rapidly as he tried to push himself upright. It didn’t work. In about three seconds, his wobbly arms gave up, and he collapsed against them. This time, at least, he was still conscious.
Rin frowned very faintly at the confession, though that vanished as soon as Arquis collapsed. "Okay, okay, no more talking about this for now, okay? If you really want to tell me, we can wait until we're at the hotel, okay?" he said softly, arms wrapped around Arquis. "I promise I will listen to you, whenever you want to talk about this, but your health comes first."
Obvious relief washed over him, and he nodded frantically against their chest. His entire frame was trembling from stress. He’d broken out into an icy sweat, his muscles were sore from tension, and he was so lightheaded that he felt he might pass out again at any moment. If he kept going, he couldn’t guarantee that something wouldn’t end up on the ground, whether it be him or the contents of his stomach. The last thing he wanted to do was make Rin clean up after him any further.
He slipped his arms around Rin’s upper half and hugged him. Since he was unable to express his appreciation of them through words, he would do it through touch. He stroked a hand up their neck and into his hair, which he combed through with his fingers.
Rin leaned into the touch faintly, keeping their arms wrapped around Arquis. "We're going to be alright, I promise." he whispered into the nobleman's ear. "I promise you, Arquis, we are going to be just fine." he rubbed Arquis's back, closing their eyes for a moment and just holding him.
Arquis sank into the embrace, going somehow more boneless than before. The last of his tears had dried on his cheeks. He waited in their arms until he was stable once again, breathing in and out, in and out, in and out. His body stopped shaking, and he no longer flinched away from their every move.
He wasn't sure why, but he thought that they might not have been lying. When they were together like this, Arquis really did feel like everything would be alright. He’d never felt quite so safe. It scared him. That, and the fact that he’d fallen apart so many times in front of them.
He lifted his head and looked into his eyes. “Rin,” he said quietly, and then kissed him.
Rin looked at Arquis when their name was spoken, their eyes flickering shut when Arquis kissed him. He tightened his grasp very faintly as he returned the kiss, holding onto him. They were glad that the nobleman seemed to have calmed down a bit now, glad that Arquis no longer seemed so upset.
The kiss was not gentle like any of their previous kisses. Arquis seemed a little desperate for it, as if it would take away some of the pain of the last few minutes. It wasn’t painfully, exactly, but somehow more intense; deeper, in a way. He briefly broke it off to sigh their name again, then tugged them back in. They tasted faintly of sweet bread, and they smelled like the hotel sheets. He could stay like that forever.
Rin was quite happy to just kiss Arquis and hold onto him, pressed close. He just hoped that Arquis was not doing this just because he felt bad for being so upset. Rin was not going to be upset with Arquis just for crying, just for being upset. That would be a shitty way to behave.