forum The Strangers in the Palace (Closed)(Fantasy)

Started October 31, 2021 by @LovelyRose

tune

(this whole thing is a MessTM lmao)

Rin still didn't understand. Arquis seemed so cold about this whole thing. As if he didn't care. Even the semi-apology, if it could even be called that, rang hollow. And gods, the track of this conversation felt familiar in a way that made his stomach churn. Maybe he just hadn't gotten enough sleep, maybe he was overthinking it all, but. But, wasn't this how things had gone with Lysander? They would have a fight and Rinlos would come back trying to ask what was going on, trying to talk, and then he would get some half-hearted or partial thing, and then if he didn't just accept it, he got cold shouldered. And he had been so young, and all he had wanted was to be loved, and he had always folded. Had always swallowed back his fear and his uncertainty and his misgivings, and let Lysander mold him into what he wanted.

And now it felt like history was repeating, and maybe he was wrong, but his hands were starting to shake and his mind was starting to race. "I…" Arquis had sent him away. If Rin had not come back, would Arquis have ever looked for him again? Would Arquis have even cared? He had never answered if there was someone else. He had said that they weren't breaking up, but that wasn't the same thing.

For just a moment longer, Arquis let his hand stay outstretched, still hoping Rin would take it and allow everything to return to normal. When they didn't, he let his arm drop to his side. He didn't know how much more time they had together. It could be minutes, though he suspected it might take a little longer than that. He hoped they'd have a full day, but he doubted he'd get that lucky.

"Rinlos," he said again. This time, a hint of urgency bled into his tone; he cleared his throat and glanced away. He wondered if they'd let him move on from the topic if he tried a different approach. He hadn't exactly argued back, after all. That implied that they might not have solid proof that Arquis left the previous night, which in turn meant that he might be able to sweep the whole conversation under the rug. He hated to do it, but it was necessary—he'd hate to spend their last hours squabbling with one another.

"Shall we find something to do, now that you have returned?" he asked. "Perhaps you could play me something? Or you could model for me, as you did in the past."

Rin crossed his arms faintly, more in an effort to provide himself some comfort than anything else. "You still have not explained anything to me. I appreciate the apology, but you cannot just expect one apology to patch everything up. I…" he swallowed, gaze moving around the room, unable to remain on Arquis for very long. "You were very angry with me, yesterday, and then you disappeared last night, and now you are behaving as if one apology should make up for that, and darling, I…I am only asking that you explain what is going on to me. Please." he almost hated the faint note of pleading that had entered his voice, almost hated the fact that he was practically begging Arquis to let him in, to explain.

Arquis glanced away, but only for a moment. If Rin read the pain in his expression, it'd be all over. There'd be no pretending that everything was fine, no more cover ups or excuses. So he hid his face for just long enough to put on a neutral look, then met his partner's gaze.

"There is nothing to explain. I was in a rather foul mood, and I lashed out at you. That is all that happened, Rinlos."

His voice was steady, and for once in his life he was grateful he'd had so much practice in public speaking. He knew how to make himself sound self-assured and professional, even when he felt like he was going to crumble apart. Part of it was knowing how to lie. He wasn't nearly as good at it as some of the people he'd met in his life, but he knew the basics better than most. Almost all believable lies were built out of the truth.

"Yesterday morning was overwhelming." That was true. "Too much, I will admit." Also true. "I spent too much time in my head, and not enough out here in the real world, with you." That was only half true. Being alone with his thoughts had led him to make the decision he had the previous night, and he didn't regret it, no matter how terrifying it had been. "But I have realized the error of my ways, and now I would simply like to spend time with you."

Everything Arquis was saying felt right, but it also rang false, somewhere. Something still felt wrong, but maybe Rinlos was just overreacting? He knew that his background set him up for that, set him up for reading too deep and thinking the worst, but…but something felt wrong. But what if he was wrong? What if all this worry, all this concern, was just for nothing? He exhaled, rubbing a hand against his upper arm. He could not decide what to do. What he should do.

He sat down on the bed, looking up at Arquis with soft, still confused eyes. So many things had happened in the past few days, and so much of it had felt like something that, from anyone else, could have led to a break-up. Would have been the prelude to one. Those notes, that Rin had found in the middle of the night, about whatever it was that Arquis had never been able to bring himself to tell them. The argument yesterday, where Arquis had practically forced them to leave. It felt…gods, it just was so much.

Internally, Arquis had to admit that he felt rather guilty. Lying to Rin was awful. He had to keep telling himself that it was necessary in his situation, that there was no other way. Every time he repeated that, however, his heart only continued to sink. This wasn't how he wanted to spend their last day together.

"Rinlos," he began, then, softer, murmured, "Rin."

Whatever else he'd planned to say died on his tongue. He reached out to them, just like he had moments prior, but hesitated. He'd already forgotten that he was wearing his gloves. It seemed wrong to have them on after all they'd been through together; Rin had already seen his scars. But Arquis had put them on to travel out to the village, and he hadn't taken them off upon his return, not even to drink his coffee. He'd been paralyzed that someone would break down his door to drag him away and see the state of his hands. Just the thought had almost sent him into one of his panicked fits.

He hoped Rin hadn't noticed the way he'd paused, nor his staring at his hand. If he asked about the glove, he wouldn't have an answer ready for them. He wouldn't have needed gloves to sleep in their bed, after all.

Rin's gaze did find the gloves, staring at them for a long moment. He exhaled, shaking his head minutely. "Just don't lie to me, Arquis. I don't…if you have found someone else, just tell me. Don't…don't lie to me about it. Please. That is all I am asking for, darling. I know you left last night, and you've…you've already lied to me about it. And I just want to hear the truth." his eyes flicked up to Arquis, eventually moving away again as he took a deep breath in, and out. He just wished he understood what was going on, what had happened. Why Arquis was being like this. It just didn't make any sense.

He shifted a little bit, arms wrapping faintly around themself as their gaze moved around the room, then back up to Arquis, waiting for him to answer them. To give them any sort of answer. The truth. Not another lie, another obfuscation. He just wanted the truth, even if it hurt.

Arquis swallowed hard when they paused, his gaze clearly on the gloves. He considered taking them off, but that would draw even more attention to them, and Rin would likely ask about them if he did. Instead, he dropped his hands to his sides. That didn't feel quite right, so he crossed his arms, then uncrossed them, then ran one hand through his hair. Anxiety fizzled in his chest when he realized he'd messed his hairstyle up. It hadn't taken long to do, but he couldn't risk looking unpresentable, not even for a second. He cast a desperate glance towards the bathroom door, though he didn't move. He needed to fix it, and yet, he knew he couldn't until he talked to Rin.

"I have not lied to you. The truth is what I have already said. I was upset yesterday. I did not go anywhere to seek out companionship." He emphasized the last word so that they'd understand what he meant. What he didn't outright state, however, was that he hadn't left at all. The less they talked about why he really left, the better.

"Believe me, Rin, when I say that- when I-" A strand of his hair had fallen into his eyes. He tried to brush it off and continue, but it was quite hard to focus. "When I say, Rin, that- I am sorry. I am sorry, but I- I will be right back, please, I must-"

He hurried to the bathroom mirror and quickly began to fix his hair. His pulse was quick, and he felt unsteady. Even when his hair was fixed, he began to notice a million other details, a million imperfections. His vest looked like it was too tight, which was impossible. He'd worn it recently. He tugged at it, trying to see if it was maybe just sitting on his frame wrong, but that only caused a number of other issues. His collar looked creased. He smoothed his fingers over it, which caused his knuckles to bump into his tie, making it crooked. He'd worn ties a thousand times before, but suddenly, he couldn't remember how to make his look right. He untied it and tried to start again, but his fingers were clumsy and his mind was foggy. He couldn't recall how to do it. None of the steps stood out. His muscle memory wasn't kicking in, either. He scrunched his fist in the tie and yanked, frustrated, angry at the panic fluttering to life inside him. This was supposed to be the easy part.

(sorry for the wait againn)

"I don't…" he started, but then Arquis was running to the bathroom, the door closed behind him. And Rinlos was alone again, sitting on the bed. What was he to do now? He had asked, three times now, for the truth, for Arquis to explain, and every single time, the nobleman had dodged the question, had refused to answer it or just tried to slip out of it. They didn't know what to do now. They loved Arquis, wanted to make this all work, but at the same time…they could not make it work if Arquis refused to communicate with them. If Arquis refused to even answer questions, what was Rin supposed to do? He could not make Arquis talk, could not somehow make Arquis explain. It was up to the nobleman in the bathroom, for how this was going to proceed.

He exhaled, running his hands through his hair, then got up and moved over to the window. Gods. Everything had been so tough for them both recently, and they almost felt as if they could not catch a break. He had been sick, and Honey's issues, and Arquis had started having health problems, and now this. And it was all just piling on top of each other in a horrible mix.

(you're good!)

After several more minutes of unsuccessfully battling his tie, Arquis gave in and opened the bathroom door. His chest was rising and falling with great, rapid breaths, which, in combination with his pallor and slightly dilated pupils, made him look horribly frantic, as if he'd witnessed a horrid crime. It didn't help that he was so hopped up on caffeine. Everything about him was jittery and off, even the way he walked across the room to his partner. His legs wobbled like he hadn't used them in years, turning his stride to a clumsy stumble, and his gloved hands swung uselessly at his sides.

"I cannot fix this," he breathed out, eyes wide as he stared hopelessly at Rin. He sounded lost and almost a little scared. A moment later, he mumbled, "The tie. I cannot fix the tie. I have tried, but my hands do not remember, and it is all wrong. I cannot fix it."

Rin exhaled again, coming over to him and gently working to tie the nobleman's tie. "Darling, you do not…need this full outfit. It is only us. Who are you…who are you dressing up for?" he asked, not meeting Arquis's eyes as he carefully worked to tie the tie around Arquis's throat. "I don't understand what is happening, Arquis." all he knew was that previously, when he expressed worry and upset, Arquis would comfort him. This time, instead, Arquis was almost dismissive of his fears. There had been little comfort from his partner and he was so worried for what that meant.

"Please help me understand." he said softly. "I am…I am lost, Arquis. I don't understand what you are…what is happening. I only want answers, darling. That is all I want from you." he still was not meeting Arquis's eyes, gaze still on the tie as he carefully fixed it and ensured that it looked just right.

Arquis felt a surge of affection for Rin, though he knew he couldn't act on it. If he tried to hug him, they'd surely push him away, distressed by his conflicting behavior. Still, he yearned to pull them close and feel the warm, steadying weight of their body against him. He could picture it clearly. He'd press his face to their neck, close his eyes, and let everything else fade into the background. They'd smell of Honey's perfume or maybe Ari's cologne or just sleep. They'd kiss him on the cheek, and when he'd tell him of what he'd done, they'd understand. In this fantasy, Rin wasn't mad at him for turning himself in. They knew he'd done what had to be done.

He snapped back to reality, where Rin was avoiding his eyes and standing a little ways away, even though they were doing up his tie. He couldn't help but feel disappointed.

"Nothing is happening," he replied. "I have just been… thinking, that is all. What if we were in public and someone were to recognize me? I must be sure to look my best."

"We are in our room. Not in public. Are you planning on going somewhere again?" they forced a light note into their voice, but it faded again after a moment. "I just…I don't understand what is going on, Arquis." they finished the tie, gently smoothing it down, and then stepping away again. In any other context, he might have stayed close. Might have pulled on that tie to bring Arquis in for a kiss, might have played with it a little more just to have some fun. But in this one…in this one, where he could still tell that Arquis was not telling the truth, that he was covering something up? He couldn't bring himself to act like it was all fine. Like nothing was wrong.

Rin cleared their throat softly, glancing out the window again. He just wished Arquis would talk to him. Anything. It was all…gods, he just didn't know what to do.

"We tend to go out quite a bit," Arquis offered, but he knew they wouldn't be satisfied with that answer. It took him just a second to think of another. Like all great lies, it built on what he'd already said and a good amount of the truth. "I suppose I have been thinking about our discussion with Honey. He did say that there is supposedly a reward for turning information about me over to the Anvillean guard. Say that someone saw me looking, ah, unprofessional in public, then shared it with the guard. That could cause all sorts of rumors to spread, which could damage my reputation. Or, rather, the reputation of my family. I would no want Quirisa or Marsiquia to suffer because I was too lazy to dress well."

The longer he spoke, the more the words started to tumble out. By the end, he was a touch out of breath, and he had to pause to regain it. He slicked back his hair with a hand and was a little irritated to see more of it come away in his gloved palm. He brushed it away in what he hoped was a somewhat discreet manner.

"Darling, if someone told the guard about you, you looking unprofessional would be the least of our worries." he replied, still confused about what was happening. "We would…we would have other, larger issues on hand. And I doubt you not wearing a tie twenty four seven would truly harm the reputation of your family enough for your sisters to suffer for it." or maybe it would; he was not from Anvillea, after all, and he was not one hundred percent sure on waht effect that could truly have on the de Vey family. It seemed rather ridiculous an idea that it could have that much of an impact, but who knew. Maybe Arquis was right. "But either way, you do not…you do not need to always be ready to elave the building. That…"

Sharply, much more so than he meant, the nobleman said, "Well, it is good to be cautious, is it not? We have not been careful at all thus far, and besides, I find it is beneficial to be prepared for anything. Perhaps we shall not go out on a stroll right this instant, but say that we did later. And also imagine that someone saw me looking disheveled, then spread that bit of gossip around. My family would not be instantaneously drained of their fortune, but there would be consequences. Questions would be raised. I am certain that they would start to speculate on the state of my mental health. The rumor mill has never been kind to me, my love. I can already hear the things people might whisper. That I lost myself and have been senselessly roaming the countryside, that I am an addict, that I have hidden myself away because I am having a long, drawn-out affair with a married woman. It is easier to put on a tie than it is to be the laughingstock of Anvillea."

He knew that all that he'd said were just nonsensical ramblings. In an alternate world where he hadn't turned himself in and sealed his fate, someone seeing him without a tie wouldn't ruin his life. It wasn't like his gloves, which were still being hotly debated.

Rin stared at him for a moment. "Darling, how about you take a nap?" he said slowly. "You…you aren't making any sense." he exhaled softly, unsure what else to say. Arquis's words didn't make any sense, and Rin had a feeling that this conversation was not going to go anywhere productive, if they both continued to talk about this. Arquis was refusing to discuss anything with him, and what he was willing to discuss was very quickly starting to deteriorate into nonsense. He ran his hands through his hair again, their features drawing into a faint, confused frown. He was still upset, but he didn't know what to do. Clearly this discussion wouldn't go anywhere.

When Rin suggested that he take a nap, Arquis could feel his heart sink. He must be coming off like a raving madman for them to make such a proposal. He tried to picture himself from their perspective: wide-eyed, struggling with basic tasks, speaking in a rush, shaky, flushed, bordering on paranoid. If he were his partner, he'd assume that he was having some sort of manic episode or breakdown. He wasn't. He had everything under control. It was just his body that didn't agree, and sometimes his mind, which was frequently second-guessing his choices.

"I do not need rest, love." That was maybe his biggest lie yet. He didn't feel that tired physically because of the coffee and his nerves, but he'd stayed up all night. He'd need to crash sooner rather than later, though he wasn't going to admit that. "I do not need anything other than to spend time with you. Does that sound agreeable?”

"Darling, none of your words are making any sense, and you seem very…frenzied. I think you need to get some sleep before we…discuss anything further, or do anything else." and he wished htye could finish this conversation, find a conclusion, and then spend time together, but clearly Arquis was not in any sort of mental state that would work with that. So now Rin would have to find some way to talk their partner into resting, just so they could have this same conversation all over again when Arquis awoke.

Gods, this whole thing…he still did not understand what was going on, why Arquis was behaving this way, but he knew that something was wrong. Whether Arquis was…planning on breaking up with them, or had found someone else, they still were not sure, but something was wrong. Arquis was behaving strsangely,not making sense, and this whole thing was just…they didn't know what to do about it all.

"Rin, I do not need to rest! It is morning!" Arquis argued, moving over to the bedroom's one window. In a single sweeping gesture, he threw it open, causing hazy sunlight to flood into the room. He stood still and let it warm his tired body. His eyes fluttered shut. There was far too much caffeine coursing through him for him to consider sleeping, but he secretly wished he could. He'd been through a lot.

"Please," he murmured softly. His voice cracked. He knew he should've been embarrassed at how quickly he'd given in to his emotions—he'd had so much training on how to appear calm and professional—but he didn't care. If someone was going to come and arrest him before the week, or possibly even the day or hour, was over, then he wanted to spend his last moments being comforted. He wanted his lover to take off his gloves, hold his perpetually cold hands, and tell him that he loved him. He wanted to have a few moments of peace before he was thrown back into his old life.

"Arquis, sit down." Rinlos said, moving over to sit on the bed and then patting the comforter gently. "Come here. Sit down. Take the tie off, and get some rest. You are nearly frenzied, and this isn't working, for either of us. Please just sit down and take some deep breaths." what in the world was going on? He had never seen Arquis behaving like this, had never seen his partner this concerned and worried and just…frenzied. Even when the doctor, Elise, had been coming over, Arquis had not been this stressed. Clearly something had happened, and Arquis was not being forthcoming about it, and this whole thing just wasn't working.

He didn't know what to do at this point. He really, really didn't, and he just wished that ARquis would listen to him and sit down and take some deep breaths. Some sleep would be ideal, maybe some food, too? Anything other than this fast, rushed talking, with those wide, worried eyes.

Arquis felt like screaming. It was as if he was trapped in a bubble and Rin couldn't hear a single thing he was saying. They kept insisting over and over again that he get some rest, even though he'd told them that he didn't need any. One sleepless night was nothing. He'd gone without rest for much longer periods of time without experiencing any issues. Or, he supposed, any serious issues. Sure, every now and then he might've felt a little lightheaded or accidentally dozed off during his lessons. That was hardly significant.

"I do not," he muttered, voice strained, "need to sleep. How many times must I say that? How many times must I say that I did not leave the inn last night? How many times must I repeat all of this until you believe me? I have tried to be patient. I have tried to explain it all. But what is the point in explaining if you do not listen? Why do I bother to speak, if my words will be disregarded? I am not frenzied in the slightest, I am simply exasperated!”

"You aren't listening to me either, Arquis. You have not been honest with me and if you think I cannot tell, then you are lying to yourself, not just me. I know you left. I know there are things you aren't telling me. And I know you are…worried about something. Someone? Because you haven't…you haven't worn gloves around me in a while, and now you refuse to take them off. And your tie…" he trailed off, still sitting on the bed and looking over at Arquis. "Arquis, you don't have to tell me. But don't lie to me and pretend you've told the truth. You can't…you can't do that to me and expect me to just let that go."

Lysander had done that to him so much. Had lied to him so much about so many things and then gaslit him about it, or tried to make Rinlos think that Lysander was telling the truth. And the worst part was that it had worked, especially when Rinlos was younger. Lysander had so successfully made Rinlos doubt his own reality sometimes, that it had been so hard to pull himself out of it and trust his own instincts and memories. And he couldn't let Arquis do that to him, even if the nobleman didn't mean to manipulate them.

Arquis hesitated. It would be so easy to just give in and tell Rin everything he'd done, but at the same time, there were a million reasons why he couldn't. He'd known when he'd left the previous night that this might've happened, that Rin might have caught him or been angry about the way they'd argued earlier in the day. He'd always been worried that they might not have been able to get their happy last moment or day or week. Still, he'd held out hope, and that hope was dwindling.

He wasn't sure what he could say to his lover, so he sat on the bed beside him and reached out for his hand. His gloves made the sight of their hands entwined unusual, and he couldn't imagine the sensation was comforting for his partner. They wouldn't really be able to feel the warmth of his skin, just the scratch of fabric.

"You are right," he mumbled. "You are right, my heart. I have done something that I cannot speak of. Something that I am not sure you will forgive me for." He looked towards them, his brows drawn. "I have not been with another—I was not lying when I said that. I have no desire to lie with anyone else. The act that I have committed is of a different nature."

(sorry for the wait times, I'm on vacation)

Rinlos exhaled, listening quietly to Arquis. "I see. Can…would you be willing to tell me what act you have committed? Or is that…not something that you are willing to speak of?" he hoped he could get the truth out of Arquis, but he honestly wasn't sure. He could only hope for the truth, but knew that if Arquis was not willing to give it, there was nothing that he could do to force it out of him. He did reach over and take Arquis's hand, though, not overly minding the scratch of the fabric against his skin.

This was all just…complicated, and annoying. Not that Rin thought Arquis was annoying. He was just…annoyed that this was so confusing and hard and complicated. He didn't quite know how to properly handle it, and could only hope that he was doing things right. He was doing his best, he was trying, and he just hoped that that was enough for them both.