forum Marvel OxO // Closed

Started February 08, 2021 by @ElderGod-Icefire

tune

Shea crossed her legs and leaned forward, resting her chin on her palm. "I-" She started but stopped and shook her head. "I can't even control my abilities. They- I-" She stopped again, rubbing at her eyes. "I can restrain them, but not control. In the end, they always come back to fuck me up."

Jason listened quietly, considering what she had said. "Well, we have rooms here you can go to when you need to, to let your power out without hurting anyone." He said softly. "So you don't need to worry about that." He ran his hands through his hair.

Shea clenched her jaw, staring a hole into her comforter. "Isteriya," She mumbled, her voice barely a whisper. "That's what they called me." She looked up with shining eyes at Jason. "I ran a mission in Russia a few months ago. They sent me alone into a HYDRA base… Fury- he… He needed something from there." She sighed. She didn't know why she had begun to tell Jason about last August, but now she was too far in to stop. "I-" Tears pooled in her eyes. "It was supposed to be a simple stealth op. Get in, get information, get out. But…" Her hands wrung at the comforter in hand. "I was caught. There had to have been a hundred fully armed men around me… Fury- Fury he told me to take them all down. I had two knives and only a thin bulletproof vest."

Shea took a shuddering breath. "So I had to let go."

Her eyes screwed shut, a few tears escaping out from under. "I killed six men."

"They all had families."

Her lungs struggled for air. "Their nightmares came for me a week later. And- and they still haunt me." She shook her head violently. "Isteriya, Isteriya, Isteriya. They- they compared me to the Winter Soldier. The- The Winter Soldier destroyed bodies, I destroy minds."

"You did what you had to do. We all get ordered to do… uncomfortable things. Or…things that haunt us later." Jason shrugged vaguely. "I…shit, Shea, I've been SHIELD's pet spy since I was 13. None of the…child labor laws or anything technically protect me, so anything was legal. Anything. And the things I was… ordered to do or to let be done to me were…" He took a deep breath, shaking his head a little. "Shit. Yeah. Uhm. I've killed…god, probably too many people for a seventeen year old. And I may not have the mind abilities that you do, but it's still a lot. And, I mean, hell, Bucky is the Winter Soldier, Shea, how do you think he feels? But he does his best, and that's all we can do, really. I guess. I don't know."

"At least he had an excuse." The words escaped her lips before she could stop them, not that she would've anyways. Shea was notorious for always speaking what was on her mind at all times. "He didn't have a choice. HYDRA was controlling him. I made the decision to kill those men and send the rest into a mental hospital."

She turned her eyes to the traffic outside, words forming on her tongue but never leaving her mouth. At least Bucky doesn't feel the heart-stopping terror you had inflicted onto others. At least Jason doesn't wake up screaming with unwanted powers clawing at your insides. At least every other decent hero has helpful powers that don't destroy lives.

"Bucky had an excuse, fine. I can see that. I don't, though. You wanna talk about that? At 14 I was making my way into criminal enterprises and killing the leaders in order to bring down the organizations. And killing anyone else I had to. Most of them had families. Some were only there because they didny have a choice. I killed them. I've been… fuck. The things I've done with SHIELD aren't pleasant, Shea. Just because your way of killing is different doesn't make it any worse than mine." He said.

"It's still killing." Shea's words had never sounded this small, nor this defeated. "And it could all have been avoided." When she looked up, her violet eyes were wide, glassed over with unshed tears.

Every man she struck down was a flashback. When she threw her blade into the chest of a victim, all she could hear were the gunshots. As the body collasped to the floor, Shea found herself staring at another recreation of her parent's deaths. And whenever somebody stepped in front of their comrade, all Shea could see was her brother shielding her with the same goddamn martyr complex.

Every kill was another strike to the heart.

(dsgksjbdh I accidentally typed "herpes" instead of "heroes" lmaoo)

Jason ran his hands through his hair, grimacing a little. "Yeah, well, we're…heroes. Killing is…well, for better or worse it's part of our jobs. Part of what we have to do to make the world…safer, I guess." he looked over at her. "Would you rather have assassins loose on the streets? Mafia and gang kingpins ordering more death and destruction, sucking in kids to a criminal underworld they won't escape from? Pedophiles…pedophiles remaining in power because no one's been able to take them down? Is that what you would rather have?"

(sorry I disappeared for a month or two I was just in a funk… Hopefully, I'll be able to be more active on these!!)

"Death let's them off easier." Shea spared a watery chuckle. "Those type of people should be punished for the rest of their lives. Locked up deep underground with no chance of escape. No sun, no visitors, no outside world." Out of habit, she brought her fists together and pushed, crackling all eight of her knuckles loudly. She flexed her fingers, pawing at the wrinkled gray sheets beneath her. "I hate killing… so much."

(you're alright! Tho next time, could you at least let me know that you haven't abandoned me completely? Not to be rude, I just like to be kept in the loop about what's going on!)

"They do." He agreed. "But the world doesn't have enough of that type of prison. Plus it's inhumane. They deserve death. Killing is a means to an end." Maybe he was bad at this; he'd been raised as a weapon and a spy, what else could he say? From a young age he'd been taught not to care as much about killing as he should have. "I…none of us want to do it. Nobody wakes up in the morning thinking "oh I can't wait to kill someone today". Or at least, no one normal does. But…we do it because it saves other people."

(yeah I can! Again, sorry bout that)

Shea sighed, sliding off of the bed and to her feet. She padded over to the floor to ceiling windows overlooking the bustling nighttime city. She folded her arms, staring at her reflection in the glass. She looked like shit.

With a small laugh, she rubbed her palms underneath her eyes, wiping away the dampness of the tears.

"You don't have to stay," She muttered. "You can leave me to my own demons."

(thank you! No problem!)

He blinked at her. "I… would rather not do that unless you want me to." He replied after a moment. This was the right thing to do, right? Even if he was absolutely shit at comforting people, it was still the right thing to do to offer company. He wished he was better at this but, well, he wasn't, for multiple reasons. "I know I'm not the best form of company, and I'm…y'know, not great at this, but I'm not going to abandon you." he didn't add the part that he felt leaving her while she was like this might be worse for her.