Marcus pressed his face into Cyrus's hair, humming softly at the warmth. "I guess that's a good strategy. I'll try that too." He murmured, bringing the other closer with a soft sigh. "Isn't it strange? Doesn't it feel weird? Normal almost feels wrong." He mused, laughing gently. "I like being able to just lay here though, and cuddle with you."
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"Wrong, sure, but definitely better," Cyrus said with a slight laugh, "And at the end of the day, even if we never fully fit in again, we have each other. We've been through a lot of the same stuff."
"Much better. I really prefer this to anything else. Especially if it's with you, Cyrus. We have each other and I couldn't ask for a better partner to get me through all of this." Marcus closed his eyes and took in the small moment as a whole. It really was a strange situation for both parties really. It would almost be amusing if it wasn't so terrifying of a situation. He and Cyrus were two wronged individuals who would really never get the justice they deserved in their situations because of the things they had done. But neither of them were ever really at fault for their actions. Regardless of that fact, however, they would never be seen as the 'victim' side of it all. Especially with the crimes both had committed. But they could still go out in public and be semi-normal. They could actually go out and find work and they had the opportunity to get higher education if they wanted…
"Cyrus?" Marcus started, breaking his train of thought as a happier idea came to his mind. "Does this mean we can go on more dates? We won't have to worry about getting caught together. Wouldn't it be fun to go out for dinner a few times?" He lit up suddenly, pulling back a little to look at Cyrus's face. "We could go to the zoo! I've never been to a zoo but I've always kinda wanted to go to one. As long as we stay away from the little mice-like things then I think I'd like it, you know?"
"Oh, absolutely!" Cyrus agreed, fully smiling for the first time in a while, "I'd love to go out with you! There was that time we went to that coffee shop. I've been craving more dates ever since."
He thought a bit at the mention of zoos.
"I've never been to one either. I've always wanted to see big cats and stuff like that in person. And pandas. There's so much of this world that I've never seen before."
Marcus lifted his head to look at Cyrus's face, bringing him into a chaste kiss. "I want to take you out on all the dates. Maybe that's what we need instead of staying in this apartment so much. It might help both of our mental states and do us some good." He pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes.
"Big cats look fluffy. I wish I could actually like pet one or something without getting mauled." He mused, sighing softly. "There's so much I haven't seen or been able to enjoy too. I really want to see it all, and it would be even better with you."
"Of course. We're going to have to start small, though," Cyrus sighed, "I'm still having trouble walking. I can make it across the apartment alright, but stairs and any long distance isn't so easy for me at the moment. That zoo date may have to wait a bit. But we can still go to lunch or coffee, or see a movie. Something that's less physical."
He frowned.
"I've been told I'm going to be fine, that the healing is going alright. But it's still worrying. I'm getting antsy. Guess I lived, though, so maybe I shouldn't complain."
"How about we start at small walk dates? There's that little garden, park thing nearby? Maybe walking a little more will help you heal up. Then we can come back after and rest up so you're not too sore." Marcus murmured, tilting his head a little as he thought. "You're allowed to be antsy, love. So much has happened and you're hurt and it's scary. So much has happened, Cyrus. But you are healing, and it does seem to go well. I'm glad. I was worried I didn't do enough to help you." Marcus nuzzled into the other's cheek, kissing him a few times over. "I'm happy you're healing. Are you still in pain?"
"I think that’s a good idea," Cyrus replied softly, brushing Marcus' hair back from his face, "The pain comes and goes. Usually it's just when I overexert myself, though, so that's at least better than it hurting all the time. I could probably take short walks. It just… leaving the house sounds hard, honestly. And not just because of my injuries."
He lowered his head.
"Life just keeps going on, huh? It surely doesn't wait for people like me. That bright sunshine, happy couples taking walks, parents with their kids on the playground, people walking their dogs… They have no idea what's going on in our minds when we pass them by. I see smiling faces and sun, and it almost angers me. It angers me that I lost so much of that. I too would like to move on and simply be, but it's not that simple."
“Good. Don't overexert yourself. I can help you if you need it, too. Though I see where you’re coming from. It is scary to think about going back out there… which is why taking small walks or even just standing outside will do a lot to help. Small steps.” Marcus gently tilted Cyrus’s head back up and held his face lovingly.
“You have a right to be angry and upset over it. Be upset and angry about it. Just don’t be idle, Cyrus.” Even with Marcus’s habit of repressing traumas, he too had a bit of a hard time adjusting and just being. He was damn good at hiding it, but it was there still the same. Maybe their shared fear could help motivate each other? Or drive them both deeper… hopefully it wasn’t that way.
Cyrus nodded.
"I understand," he said, "It's hard. But I get where you're coming from."
He shifted a bit. Aimless walks would probably just leave him alone with his thoughts anyway. Might as well stay inside, alone with his thought. Unless? Maybe he'd give himself a goal when he went out. Perhaps picking flowers for Marcus, or meet three new people, or something. Anything at all. Just anything to keep him from his thoughts while he sorted everything out.
Marcus looked a little more relieved after hearing the words. A little bit of the tension he had been holding in melted away. "I've never really liked staying inside for too long - probably because of my past situation - but now that we have this space and it's safe, I kind of enjoy it a lot more. So I see where you're coming from too, with wanting to stay in." Of course, Marcus had a limit to that kind of stuff. He couldn't stay in a confined space for long before he had to get out or leave or do something. He blamed the basement Marx would lock him in. What a time… He was glad that trauma hadn't surfaced quite yet… maybe it would never? Maybe? It sure did leave him in a panic whenever the word was spoken or mentioned. And he wouldn't go into any basements at all regardless if they were normal or not. He just physically couldn't. Not without a lot of force at least.
"Yeah, I think it's a product of my situation, too," Cyrus said, "It was usually dark and quiet in my room. And away from all the bullshit. And when there's a lot going on in my brain, I always want to go back to the dark and quiet. But sometimes I just don't leave unless someone makes me."
He tilted his head.
"But it's probably a habit I can break."
“It’s good to have a safe space but I do think going out might do some good for us both. Especially health wise. You need some sun, Cyrus.” Marcus chided gently, adding a few kisses. “Even if we just go sit out on the steps.”
"I know, I know," Cyrus chuckled softly, "Perhaps we can start tomorrow. Start slowly getting me out, that is."
He tried to smile a bit. Everything still felt kind of pointless, but he wanted to at least try for Marcus' sake, if not for his own.
“That sounds like a good plan. Tomorrow for sure then. Even if it’s just the front step.” Marcus looked Cyrus over a few times before he leaned in and kissed him softly. “You’re being so strong here, Cy. Thank you for that.”
Cyrus gave a little pause as he accepted the kiss and listened to Marcus' words.
"I wouldn't say I'm strong for just… existing, and struggling to exist at that, but I appreciate the sentiment. If there's anything you want me to help you work on, just say the word. You know I'd do the same for you in a heartbeat."
“It’s a struggle on its own even without the shit you’ve been through, Cy. You’re doing really good for everything that has happened in your life.” He smiled at the other. “But I’m thankful you’re so willing to help me back too. It means a lot cy.”
"It's the least I could do. What, with all you've done for me. Even that aside, I just really like you as a person and would do almost anything for you because of that alone," Cyrus said softly, "For now, you're really all that's keeping me from fading away. But I can't just take from you without trying to give back. You're hurting too."
“Me? It’s just a few missing fingers” he mused, lifting his hand and flexing with a soft smile. “But thank you again. I’m not used to all the help and praise and kindness. Its nice. Much better than what I was dealing with before.”
"That's not what I meant by hurting," Cyrus said softly, cradling Marcus' injured hand, "I mean the emotional burdens you're carrying. Because sure, you're pulling yourself up to help me, but it can't be easy."
Marcus hesitated to respond, staring at their hands in silence. He took in a deep breath and nodded gently, offering Cyrus a weak smile.
“Honestly, I’ve had to pretend my emotions don’t exist for so long I don’t know how to approach them anyways. It’s easier to help you with yours then to let mine out.” He sighed gently, shrugging lightly. “Honestly I’m surprised I can do this much. Marx really tried to get me to be dependent on him and only him.”
"I'll be here to help you sort that out when you're ready," Cyrus promised, "It might not be today, or even a week from now, but I know Marx left his scars."
He chuckled a little bit.
"I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. It kills me that sometimes that means I unload it all on other people. And I hope it's not too much of a burden for you. Sometimes emotions feel like a curse of existence either way. You hold them in, they sit and fester. You let them out, you risk influencing others. There's not really a right way to be with that stuff. And I'm sure no one way feels good. Especially not when you've gone through heavy trauma."
Marcus shook his head, sighing gently. "They're so complicated too… Any little thing causes too much trauma…" He complained, pressing their heads together and frowning. "I don't even know where to start because I don't know what's wrong and what isn't wrong and what thoughts I have that are normal which ones aren't. It feels too hard to even deal with at this moment. I just want to ignore all of my issues."
"You don't have to start yet," Cyrus reassured him, "One step at a time, my love. Think about what you need right now, and everything else will happen when you're ready. And I'll be here to help you face it all. I promise."
Cyrus lifted his face up and kissed Marcus on the forehead.
"Did you want to get started on dinner now? I'm doing… a bit better, I guess."
"Thank you, my love. You mean the world to me." He replied quietly, his voice filled with emotion and love. He accepted the kiss with a smile, wrapping his arms tighter around the other and breathing in the smell of his hair and clothes.
"If you're better, then yes. Eating is good for us both especially while we're recovering. But if you'd like, you can stay here and I'll go make it for us and bring it in here for dinner in bed."