forum ONE SHOTS, ONE LINERS AND SHORT STORIES AND POEMS OF ALL KINDS

Started August 22, 2019 by Deleted user

tune

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In the title, luv. Be nice to others, feel free to critique. Nicely. Share your short stories so my attention-span lacking self can read them

um, i have one that if you want you can critique…. its only like a page long. Is that short?

Yeah!!

Btw, your name is excellent

(aw thanks lol)
Well here it is

Soeng-Jins heart dropped like an anchor in the waves. He's had heartbreak explained to him as a scar on your heart… But this one felt like a bruise more than anything. His heart was bleeding out, but there was no medicine to ease the pain, no bandages to stop the bleeding, and no cure. He felt as if all of the butterflies in his stomach from whenever she saw her gorgeous face, had all withered and died. He wanted to cry…. He wanted to scream…. He wanted to hold her… one last time.
"But-"
He stopped himself from saying anything, for he knew his weak, faltering voice would give away his heartache. His hand quivering….. he wanted to take her hand and kiss her forehead gently, like a flower pedal landing on her face.
He looks at her, holding back a tear. He ruffles his sleek, yet tousled, frosted alabaster hair with his hand. He casts a yearning gaze at the street light flickering on and off.
The moonshine reflecting off of the slightly salty water in his ironically innocent, yet surpassingly calm, misty blue eyes. He wanted to slowly crawl in his bed and hide from the brutal, unforgiving reality, under his heavy blankets.
"Can I….. hug you…. one last time?"
He manages to push out of his burning throat, avoiding eye contact. He couldn't face her, not with a miserable heart such as his own. He should've known that they wouldn't of lasted long.
He should have known…That no matter how much he loved her…. he couldn't keep her.

The night was dark and the full moon illuminated the thick clouds surrounding the city. It seemed that many had the same idea because the streets were mainly empty, the sound of laughter and chatter coming from nearby houses. Down the road in a decent sized apartment, a young couple were talking. Life it seems was perfect until she dropped the bomb

"I want to break up."
Robin winced. She didn't know how he would take it, but she couldn't fake her feelings anymore. "I'm sorry…"
Soeng-Jins heart dropped. He felt as if all of the butterflies in his stomache from whenever she saw her gorgeous face, had all withered and died. He wanted to cry…. He wanted to scream…. He wanted to hold her… one… last…. time.
"But-"
He stopped himself from saying anything. His hand shaking….. he wanted to take her hand and kiss her forehead.
"suit yourself"
He looks at her, holding back a tear. He ruffles his soft white hair with his hand and looks at the street light flickering on and off.
His blue eyes shining in the moonlight. Clearly watery. He wanted to lay in his bed and hide under the blankets.
"Can I….. hug you…. one last time?"
He asks her avoiding eye contact. He couldn't face her, not with a broken heart.
He thought she called him out here for a cute date. Boy was he stupid. He should've known that they wouldn't of lasted long.
No matter how much he loved her…. he couldn't keep her.
She blinked quickly and nodded. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I wish it didn't have to happen like this." She really did mean it. It hurt to see him so upset.
He let out a little laugh. It was fake obviously. His throat burned, nothing came out. He looked at the ground and smiled at himself in disbelief.
"heh, so i guess i can't….. hug you?"
He looked up at her gorgeous face.
Why did'nt i relish her more. Shes so incredible….
He thought to himself. Even thinking about it hurt his chest so badly.
He had to hold himself back from hugging her without permission… along with the tears. He was so afriad they would fall down his cheek, he didn't want to show her that he was sad. Although he already failed, He looked in her beautiful eyes and sighed.
"I-Im sorry…."
She stepped closer and wrapped her arms around him. "I'm sorry," she repeated again, not bothering to hide her own tears.
As if on cue, the clouds rumbled with thunder and flashed with lightning. The rain came down with a vengeance as the howling wind faded into a whisper. Crashing against the apartment window, the weather outside replicated the mood inside the small room. Tears formed and danced as they rolled off her face and onto the bare ground. The welcoming aura of the small, cozy apartment now hostile a d emotions went to war with each other as the young couple controlled their grief as best as they could.
He haunches over and hugs her tightly
"what did i do wrong? Please i can fix it….."
His voice cracks and shakes. Tears suddenly start to stream out of his eyes. He couldn't hold it back any longer.
It hurt to badly. His throat hurt like hes been crying for days. His arms shaking as he hugged her.
"Let me fix it…. please"
His voice cracks once more. His eyes red. His blonde eyelashes were already soaked, along with his cheeks.
He didn't want to let her go. He never wanted to, from the moment he met her….. he told himself not to…. and this is why.
"im so sorry….."
He whispered shakily, his voice so weak. He normally sounded so confident, so sure of himself, not heartbroken, shaking like this.
This wasnt him, this isnt what he does. He shouldnt be crying like this…. over a girl nonetheless.
He couldnt help it. He loved her so much….. but he had to let go.
Robin hated herself for eternity for breaking his heart. "I'm so sorry… I'm so so sorry…" she whispered faintly. "I never wanted to hurt you like this… I'm sorry…"
He lets go of her. He knew he eventually had to but right as he did he instantly regretted it.
His chest hurt so bad, he felt as if a someone had just slowly placed a boulder on his chest. He wanted to push the boulder off but he was to weak. He couldn't breathe, he could speak. All he could do was cry. He looked at the wet ground. thunder crackling, making the ground below him shake. He felt like his eyes were swollen from a bee sting.
His throat stung like one to. He didn't want to be here…. He wanted to vanish…. At least that's what he wanted his emotions to do. He didn't want a boulder on his chest. He didn't want to get stung by the bee. He didn't want to be there, in the middle of a park, where they had they're heart to heart conversation. Right there on the bench next to them. The rain was soaking his clothes. He gave her his umbrella that he brought along.
He thought he was going to share it with her as he held her and they would walk home. He was just an unsuspecting victim of heartbreak.
He felt like his lungs were collapsing and his heart stopped pumping blood. He missed the times where every single time he saw her sweet smile his heart started racing, and every time he saw her face he would find her even prettier than the day before. Ever single time he would talk to her… He would feel like he's falling in love with her, all over again. That was his favorite feeling….
Her.
"I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy. Keep the umbrella. "
He said as he postured up and walked away.
He felt like an abandoned puppy in the rain, it's fur getting soaked a it weakly cracks back into its little box.
Yearning for his owner to come back to love him as if he never stopped.
He stopped walking and just sat on the bench and looked up to the sky. He let the rain fall on his already freezing face. He felt as through his tears would freeze on his freckled cheeks. The cold air made his nose hurt whenever he breathes. His legs felt like they were about to give out, he let out a receiving sigh when he sat down. In the same bench where he knew for the first time, that he was so madly in love with her.
Even though his body was freezing, he didn't let out a single shiver. He was already drained.
why couldn't I make her happy… Why
He thought miserably to himself.
"Why"
He manages to let the word slide through his throat. It was like he just stabbed himself with that single word. The rain felt like needles hitting his skin then sinking into it.
don't let me go….
Robin watched him go, fighting the urge to run after him. She closed her eyes and let out a soft sob. I'm so sorry… I never wanted to hurt you…
He looks over at her, tears just flowing through his eyes yet with a blank face. It hurt so bad, the tears stung like acid. He wanted to just sit there with her and hold her….
He knew he couldn't though.
The lightning flashed lighting up the whole park for a second. His hair flashed white, his blue eyes looking so sadly… Directly at the girl.
He got up slowly, stepping in the puddle getting his brand new shoes dirty. He didn't care… He had worn one if his nicest outfits for their date… It's ruined, but he doesn't care. He walks away as a car slashed by. Soaking him even more, but.. He didn't care. He looked back on last time at her, then he vanished into the misty darkness and loneliness. He felt as if he had just died, as if that boulder finally killed him. Do you know why they call it a "crush"? Because sooner or later they crush your heart and soul. Leaving you with no will to live, no emotional feeling, feeling that you have no meaning in life. He was the tiny ant that got stepped on for fun by all if the kids. He was the puppy that was kicked and abandoned.
He was that victim of heartbreak….
He wanted to go home now…..

I-
I just-
I'm crying now ;-; I want to give him a hug sooooo bad.

Okay, on a more logical note; the repetition in the beginning is a little off-putting. Why do you repeat the same information twice? I would suggest changing this.

Yeah i was thinking about changing that some time. thank you for reminding me about that lol
(and thats what everyone whos read that said XD)

It's just, the raw emotion conveyed through this is incredible! I rarely cry when it comes to stories, because many authors nowadays just don't have it. You do!

I’d agree with SwimWithGamers.
Also, your imagery and description are beautiful. You convey emotion very well, which can be really hard to do. (I really wanna hug himmmmm)
Only critiques I have are there are a few places where commas, apostrophes and separating sentences would do you a world of good, and the flow is a bit rough and it may prevent the reader from fully appreciating the gorgeous description.

thank you so much! Im still working on my punctuation so I appreciate that!

i've got a little piece, there are bits in my universe's language so i'll have translations at the end :)
PREQUEL KNOWLEDGE: cas is a darksider, which means he's a Not Great Person, and ben/dede are both lightsiders, which means they are Decent People

Cas Herath wasn’t afraid of the dark.
This is something everyone in Bryer knew. No matter who you were, Little or Host, it was obvious that Cas wasn’t afraid of the dark. He wasn’t afraid, period.
Why?
“Why should you be afraid of who you are?” Cas hissed from behind the bars of his cage. His younger brother, Ben, sat outside shaking his head.
Cas and Ben were almost opposites. Cas had chosen life as a persecutor, and that is the life that he kept. Ben had also chosen that path, but he changed his ways, becoming a protector and going on to co-host, one of the most powerful, difficult, and Lightsided jobs in Bryer. Persecutors, on the other hand? It was the darkest job there was.
“You are a nightmare, right, Benjamin? You’re a son of the House of Herath, the only true Darksider family left in this country. We’re the only two of our kind left, Benjamin. Why are you co-hosting? Don’t you miss being partners in crime with your big brother?”
“Eysoerth. Meo ker Lightside, ur eres? Ue bela eyho.” Ben never spoke Nȇateł except for when he was furious at his brother. Nȇateł was their native language, but English was what they most often spoke.
“Eysoerth ur bela eyho, even! My own brother, calling me an eysoerth. Did you ever consider the fact that since you’re a traitor, a Lightsider, you’re really just an eysomare? And by dating that one girl, DeDe? Calling her your eysomā? You’re really just digging your own grave, Benjamin. Imagine Mother’s dismay if she would have heard you were in love with a Lightsider. Meo ker Darkside, ue edre leif-eysomare ur trieāt.”
Ben let this sink in for a moment. You are a lifelong blood criminal and traitor.
This made Ben furious. He’d stopped associating with the House of Herath a long time ago. Why was Cas only now getting mad about it? Ben spat out one final curse before leaving Cas alone. “Ue edre bela eyho, Cas. Bela eyho.”
You’re a monster, Cas. A monster.
Cas chuckled as Ben left. Of course, he was a monster! He looked the part, as did Ben, and he acted the part. Cas was a sociopath, an attempted murderer, and a nightmare. He was a persecutor through and through, and he was happy about that. It was the life he chose, the life he wanted to live.
Meo ker Darkside. Meo enfraie Dark, becue es wheoe meo ie.
Meo ker Cas Herath.
Derea wiec ae.

A FEW TRANSLATIONS:
Mei- my
Meo- I
Ker- am, am a
Darkside- Darksider
Lightside- Lightsider
Ue- you
Ur- and
Edre- are, are a
Bela eyho- monster, to be a monster
Derea wiec ae- deal with it.
Meo enfraie Dark, becue es wheoe meo ie.- I'm unafraid of the dark because it's who I am.
eyso-stemmed words don't have direct english translations, sorry.

I love the world!! The intricate characters and language make it realistic and believable, and your mood and tone are perfect. I could have guessed they were estranged relatives or friends without the direct statement of it, though clarity is good, I’m just complimenting your dialogue. Your sentences are smooth, and your story is interesting.
As for critiques, I think you can do even more worldbuilding without directly stating facts. For example, when Cas talks about ‘Mother’, revealing that they are brothers, rather than pausing the story to explain that Nêatel is their language.

I love the world!! The intricate characters and language make it realistic and believable, and your mood and tone are perfect. I could have guessed they were estranged relatives or friends without the direct statement of it, though clarity is good, I’m just complimenting your dialogue. Your sentences are smooth, and your story is interesting.
As for critiques, I think you can do even more worldbuilding without directly stating facts. For example, when Cas talks about ‘Mother’, revealing that they are brothers, rather than pausing the story to explain that Nêatel is their language.

thank you! i'm glad you liked it! i'll make sure to find a way to rework in the nêateł info!

So I just started writing poetry, and can I have a critique on this one please? Thank you so much!
"Burning the Ships"

Weigh anchor
Set sail
The ships are leaving harbor.

Trim the topsails
Set the course, and
Lookout in the Crow's nest crying
"We're off!"

The first few days are
Nice.
They are
Sunny.
They are
Perfect.

Then comes a
Storm.
Sails are furled, it's
"All hands on deck!"
The captain roars orders as
The masts sway.

The waves throw the ships
Like little toy boats.
They care nothing for the sailors
Aboard those small ships.

The winds rage
And the storm smashes about
Those little small ships,
Foundering.

Then with a groan, the timbers
Give way.
The first ship
Has sunk.
The first dream
Is gone.

The storm
Ends.
It's wrath
Extinguished.
Blown out like a
Candle.

The valiant little ships
Limp to harbor.
The sailors
Write home.
The captain writes
To command.

The bells clang
And the sailors return
To those gallant
Proud ships.

The captain gives his orders,
And those proud little ships
Must be burned.

The powder is laid
The oil dripping from masts
That did no wrong
Flowing into a hull that only
Did her duty.
And the captain gives the order:
"Light them up."

And we are burning
The ships.
No more shall these
Valiant boats bear
Men across the ocean.

Because the ships
Are burning,
Having done
No wrong.

Like the first,
They founder and
Sink.

The last dreams
Are
Gone.

Woah.
I don’t have much experience with freeverse, but I’ll do my best.
Your rhythm and flow are good, the way they tell the story is beautiful.
You can always work on figurative language and other things to make it more interesting.
That’s all I’ve got.

Thank you so much!!

I wrote a poem for school about an image and I want feedback on it because my teacher didn't give any. It's a weird mix of question/response and a free verse, I was trying something and i'm not quite sure it worked.

It's a mellow day for the world,
Silence has fallen all across the land
Everything seems to disappear.
Not a soul could be found.

What happened to everyone?
They are all gone.

Where did they go?
Away.

Who is she?
The only one left.

Why did she stay?
Because she is special.

The peaceful water was disturbed,
Creating waves in a tiny backyard ocean.
Warm rays of sunshine through the surface.
The vibrant plum purple of her hair contrasting the green water.

She seems so calm, what is she thinking?
She is thinking of the water.

Why the water?
It can determine her fate.

Her fate?
It can rob her of her breath.

Won’t that kill her?
Yes;

But she might want it to.

Okay, first of all, WOW.
Second of all, I’m so sorry it took me so long to respond I’ve been busy (and depressed).
Your formatting captures the feeling of the poem perfectly. It’s cool how it could be read as a conversation or a lament, and either way it flows. I’m also in love with how delicately it changes tone from thoughtful to dark, good job good job!

As for critique, I’ve got only the 6th stanza.
“Warm rays of sunshine through the surface.
The vibrant plum purple of her hair contrasting the green water.” Captures the picture well, but feels like it could be improved. Maybe add some gemstones or flowers or fabric in there as comparison to really get the picture.

Thank you for your feedback on the poem! I hadn't thought about adding anything else because it was based on an image where there wasn't much to see, but now that you mention it, I think its a great idea. I was really unsure about it and my teacher gave me a random bad grade on the assignment, but hearing this really life my spirits!

It’s no problem, thanks for sharing it with me. I love reading poems and it’s nice to find a good one that’s not super angsty:)

(I guess I'll just put a little bit up here)

Hairs rose as five clammy fingers passed over my scalp. Scrutinizing eyes pierced into mine. Shaky breaths filled the small room. I was face to face with a complete stranger. I didn’t know them, they didn’t know me, but somehow, we were stuck together. The same place, at the same time. We were inseparable but in a bad way. We were the same but couldn't be more different. I was full of unrealistic fantasies. And they were nothing but the painful reality of this world. I didn’t want this. I wanted to escape that room, run forever, be free. The breaths got louder, steady, harsher. They rang in the room, my vision began to spin.

Shatter.

Oh, the wonders of looking into a mirror.

OH
OH OK

I can feel emotion in this paragraph and I love it. The inner struggle and confusion and even hatred are so well communicated. The end was absolutely gorgeous writing-wise, and the style is unique but perfect for the story.
I’ll admit, it got better as it progressed. I don’t know if you meant to do that, but the first few sentences are so detail oriented they’re hard to understand. That problem goes away really quickly, though. The middle was good, but could use some organizing. It’s scattered, and as an ADD human even mine aren’t that spread, usually things have a word or feeling that lead to the next couple ideas. Also, I’m pretty sure you meant “couldn’t be more different.” As in, you are so different there is no way you could be more so.
Now I’m gonna fangirl about the end again because damn. It’s so well done, you can feel the tone shift to wanting to escape, and the choppy-ish flow reflects the feeling of panic, then bam. Good job.

OH
OH OK

I can feel emotion in this paragraph and I love it. The inner struggle and confusion and even hatred are so well communicated. The end was absolutely gorgeous writing-wise, and the style is unique but perfect for the story.
I’ll admit, it got better as it progressed. I don’t know if you meant to do that, but the first few sentences are so detail oriented they’re hard to understand. That problem goes away really quickly, though. The middle was good, but could use some organizing. It’s scattered, and as an ADD human even mine aren’t that spread, usually things have a word or feeling that lead to the next couple ideas. Also, I’m pretty sure you meant “couldn’t be more different.” As in, you are so different there is no way you could be more so.
Now I’m gonna fangirl about the end again because damn. It’s so well done, you can feel the tone shift to wanting to escape, and the choppy-ish flow reflects the feeling of panic, then bam. Good job.

Oh, thank you for the feedback.

No, it’s why I’m here:)

(Umm, okay, so, I have a poem. I'm pretty sure it's trash, but I'm still going to share it.)

"Lost Dog"

She breathed slowly.
Head hung low.
Tounge flopped out.
Helpless paints littering the air.
She breathed.
Out, in, out, in, out.

She walked alone.
Something she wasn't used to.
No one there beside her.
Paws slapping against the ground.
She walked.
Slap, slap, slap, slap, slap.

She waved her tail sadly.
Drops of rain falling from it.
Fur dripping quietly.
Tail waving through the atmosphere.
She waved.
Left, right, left, right, left.

She whimpered quietly.
A high-pitched noise in the world.
Longing for what didn't exist.
Whimpers for a home.
She whimpered.
In the rain, in vain, and in pain.