This is one of weirdest chats I came across… but it’s perfectly weird for me… also.

HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

My friend that I haven't seen for a year is no longer depressed!!!!!!!

I was getting ready to go to bed. Things were finally looking up.

And then when I go to turn off my lamp, I see a beetle. It’s not that bad until when I try to take it out of my room, it reveals its wings and jumps out at me, causing me to make a noise I didn’t think I could make. So with my lid I had in my hand it bounces off of it and falls onto the floor, where I slowly lift my legs onto my bed. I then watched it crawl under my carpet.

I can’t wait for someone or myself to remove my carpet one day and find the remains of a beetle.

Hey! I have a bit of time, so I thought I'd say hello here!

I brought army rations.

EGGWARD!!

Grandmas: The only people capable of ending world hunger.

AHHH EEEEE TOMORROW IS GODZILLA

W-Wyde
Twenty one UwUs

Lywics:

i just wanna stay in the sun whewe i find (OwO, What's this?)
i-i know it's hawd sometimes 0//u//0
pieces of peace in the sun's peace of mwind Ouo
i know it's h-hawd sometimes (〃∇〃 )
yeah, i think about the end just way too mwuch >.>
but it's fun to fwantasyze (>//u//<)
aww mwy e-enemies who wouwdn't wish who i wus <.<
but it's fun to fwantasyze ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

owowoO, OWOWO
i'm f-fawwing so i'm tyaking mwy tyime on my wy-yde
OWOWO, i-i'm f-fawwing so i'm tyaking mwy tyime on mwy wyde
tyaking mwy tyime on mwy wyde

i'd dye fow u ^u^
that's easy to say o-o
we have a wist of peopwe that we wouwd take - ͡° . ͡°-
a buwwet fow them (/◕ヮ◕)/ •
a buwwet fow u • \(◕ヮ◕\)
a buwwet fow evewybody in this woom • \(^ヮ^)/ •
but i don't seem to see mwany buwwets coming thwough (ʘ-ʘ)
see mwany buwwets coming thwough (^-^)
metaphowicawwy i'm the cat ꖘᴥꖘ
but witewawwy i don't know what i'd do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
i'd wive fow u OwO
and that's hawd to do UwU
even hawdew to say >-<
when you know it's not twue u.u
even hawdew to wwite >->
when you know that tonight <-<
thewe awe peopwe back home which awe tawking to u ouo
but then u ignowe them stiww ÒwÓ
aww these questions they'we fowming wike ??? (;OnO) ???
who wouwd u wive fow? (˵•ω•˵)
who wouwd u die fow? (*ಥ_ಥ)
and wouwd u evew kiww? ΣΣ(ﾟДﾟ;)

owowoO, OWOWO
i'm fawwing so i'm tyaking mwy tyime on my wy-yde
OWOWO, i'm fawwing so i'm tyaking mwy tyime on mwy wyde
tyaking mwy tyime on mwy wyde

i-i've been thynking twoo mwuch (OロO)
i've been thynking twoo mwuch (O.O)
i've been thynking twoo mwuch (OnO)
i've been thynking twoo mwuch (OoO)
hewp me
i've been thynking twoo mwuch (i've been thinking too much)
i've been thynking twoo mwuch (hewp me >n<)
i've been thynking twoo mwuch (i've been thinking too much)
i've been thynking twoo mwuch

owowoO, OWOWO
i'm fawwing so i'm tyaking mwy tyime on my wy-yde
OWOWO, i'm fawwing so i'm tyaking mwy tyime on mwy wyde
tyaking mwy tyime on mwy wyde
OWOWO, i'm fawwing so i'm tyaking mwy tyime on mwy

i've been thynking twoo mwuch (hewp me <n<)
i've been thynking twoo mwuch (hewp me>n>)
i've been thynking twoo mwuch (i've been thinking too much)
i've been thynking twoo mwuch (hewp me >_<)
i've been thynking twoo mwuch (i've been thinking too much)
i've been thynking twoo mwuch (i've been thinking too much)
hewp me… (◕w◕)

(Owo dyear gawsh i typed thys whowe thing owt aww by mysewf, pwese punish me with death syenpai i wawnt to dyeee now, put me owt of mwy mysewy uwu)

I went in a kayak!!!!!!!

eggward needs a gf, any suggestions? I'm thinking Eggna

I went from freaking out/fangirling over a pencil sharpener to fangirling over a Krita update.

…I need new things to fangirl over

There this is!

DC https://discord.gg/sXxwB9D

Marvel https://discord.gg/2sEVYqP

i got stuck on making a jump link in wordpress for my project for 20 minutes while listening to the story of how my classmate used to have fish until they exploded and the other flirted with a picture of a horse

I boosted my score on Clash Royale a lot recently.

PaigeeWorld is shutting down and now I’m sad
I have to post my art to Instagram now
Nuuuuuu

I now have an Instagram.
It's ella_nutelladraws and there's nothing posted to it because I'm the big lazy

“You see, being vegan is like… Pineapple on pizza, except instead of pineapple, it’s just regular apple, and there’s no pizza, so you sit in a puddle of your own tears eating the only good thing you have in life”

My Chem test is not today!

I'm getting a car and it's blue and sparkly and pretty but other than that it's pretty ugly. Maybe. (I'm confused)

"Once upon a time
there was a lovely princess.
"But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort…
"which could only be broken
by love's first kiss.
"She was locked away
in a castle…
"guarded by a terrible
fire-breathing dragon.
"Many brave knights had attempted
to free her from this dreadful prison,
"but none prevailed.
"She waited in
the dragon's keep…
"in the highest room
of the tallest tower…
for her true love
and true love's first kiss."
[Laughing]
Like that's ever gonna happen.

• [Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]
• What a load of…

  Somebody once told me

  the world is gonna roll me #

  I ain't the sharpest tool

  in the shed #

  She was lookin'kind of dumb

  with her finger and her thumb #

  In the shape of an "L"

  on her forehead #

  The years start comin'

  and they don't stop comin'#

  Fed to the rules

  and I hit the ground runnin'#

  Didn't make sense

  not to live for fun #

  Your brain gets smart

  but your head gets dumb #

  So much to do

  So much to see #

  So what's wrong with

  takin'the backstreets #

  You'll never know

  if you don't go #

  You'll never shine

  if you don't glow #

  Hey, now

  You're an all-star #

  Get your game on, go play

  Hey, now, you're a rock star

  Get the show on, get paid #

  And all that

  glitters is gold #

  Only shootin'stars

  break the mold #

  It's a cool place

  and they say it gets colder #

  You're bundled up now

  but wait till you get older #

  But the meteor men

  beg to differ #

  Judging by the hole

  in the satellite picture #

  The ice we skate

  is gettin'pretty thin #

  The water's getting warm

  so you might as well swim #

  My world's on fire

  How 'bout yours #

  That's the way I like it

  and I'll never get bored #

• Hey, now, you're an all-star

• [Shouting]

  Get your game on, go play

  Hey, now, you're a rock star

  Get the show on, get paid #

  And all that

  glitters is gold #

  Only shootin'stars

  break the mold #
  [Belches]

• Go!
• Go!
• [Record Scratching]
• Go. Go. Go.

  Hey, now

  You're an all-star #

  Get your game on, go play

  Hey, now, you're a rock star

  Get the show on, get paid #

  And all that

  glitters is gold #

  Only shootin'stars

  break the mold #

• Think it's in there?
• All right. Let's get it!
  Whoa. Hold on. Do you know
  what that thing can do to you?
  Yeah, it'll grind
  your bones for its bread.
  [Laughs] Yes, well, actually,
  that would be a giant.
  Now, ogres…
  They're much worse.
  They'll make a suit
  from your freshly peeled skin.
• No!
• They'll shave your liver.
  Squeeze the jelly
  from your eyes!
• Actually, it's quite good on toast.
• Back! Back, beast!
  Back! I warn ya!
• [Gasping]
• Right.
  [Roaring]
• [Shouting]
• [Roaring]
  [Roaring Continues]
  [Shouting Continues]
  [Whispers] This is the part
  where you run away.
• [Gasping]
• [Laughs]
  [Laughing]
  And stay out!
  "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."
  [Sighs]
  [Man's Voice]
  All right. This one's full.
• Take it away!
• [Gasps]
• Move it along. Come on! Get up!
• Next!
  Give me that!
  Your flying days are over.
  That's 20 pieces of silver
  for the witch. Next!
• Get up! Come on!
• Twenty pieces.
• [Thudding]
• Sit down there!
• Keep quiet!
• [Crying]
  This cage is too small.
  Please don't turn me in.
  I'll never be stubborn again.
  I can change.
  Please! Give me another chance!
• Oh, shut up.
• Oh!
• Next!
• What have you got?
• This little wooden puppet.
  I'm not a puppet.
  I'm a real boy.
  Five shillings
  for the possessed toy.
• Take it away.
• Father, please!
  Don't let them do this!
• Help me!
• Next. What have you got?
• Well, I've got a talking donkey.
• [Grunts]
  Right. Well, that's good for
  ten shillings, if you can prove it.
  Oh, go ahead, little fella.
  Well?
  Oh, oh, he's just…
  He's just a little nervous.
  He's really quite a chatterbox.
  Talk, you boneheaded dolt…
• That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
• No, no, he talks!
  He does. I can talk.
  I love to talk.
  I'm the talkingest
  damn thing you ever saw.
• Get her out of my sight.
• No, no!
  I swear! Oh!
  He can talk!
  [Gasps]
  Hey! I can fly!
• He can fly!
• He can fly!
• He can talk!
• Ha, ha! That's right, fool!
  Now I'm a flying,
  talking donkey.
  You might have seen a housefly,
  maybe even a superfly,
  but I bet you ain't
  never seen a donkey fly.
  Ha, ha!
  Uh-oh.
  [Grunts]
  Seize him!
  After him!
  He's getting away!
  [Grunts, Gasps]
  [Man]
  Get him! This way! Turn!
  You there. Ogre!
  Aye?
  By the order of Lord Farquaad,
  I am authorized to place
  you both under arrest…
  and transport you to
  a designated… resettlement facility.
  Oh, really?
  You and what army?
  [Gasps, Whimpering]
  [Chuckles]
  Can I say something to you?
  Listen, you was really, really somethin'
  back there. Incredible!
  Are you talkin' to…
  me? Whoa!
  Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I
  tell you that you was great back there?
  Those guards!
  They thought they was all of that.
  Then you showed up, and bam!
  They was trippin' over themselves
  like babes in the woods.
  That really made me
  feel good to see that.
• Oh, that's great. Really.
• Man, it's good to be free.
  Now, why don't you go celebrate your
  freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
  But, uh, I don't
  have any friends.
  And I'm not goin'
  out there by myself.
  Hey, wait a minute! I got
  a great idea! I'll stick with you.
  You're a mean,
  green, fiightin' machine.
  Together we'll scare
  the spit out of anybody that crosses us.
  [Roaring]
  Oh, wow!
  That was really scary.
  If you don't mind me sayin',
  if that don't work, your breath
  certainly will get the job done,
  'cause you definitely
  need some Tic Tacs or something,
  'cause your breath stinks!
  You almost burned the hair
  outta my nose,
  just like the time…
  [Mumbling]
  Then I ate some rotten berries.
  I had strong gases eking out
  of my butt that day.
  Why are you following me?
  I'll tell you why.

  'Cause I'm all alone

  There's no one here

  beside me #

  My problems

  have all gone #

  There's no one

  to deride me #

  But you gotta have friends…

  Stop singing!
  It's no wonder
  you don't have any friends.
  Wow. Only a true friend
  would be that cruelly honest.
  Listen, little donkey.
  Take a look at me. What am I?
  Uh…

• Really tall?
• No! I'm an ogre.
  You know.
  "Grab your torch and pitchforks."
  Doesn't that bother you?
  Nope.
• Really?
• Really, really.
• Oh.
• Man, I like you. What's your name?
  Uh, Shrek.
  Shrek? Well, you know
  what I like about you, Shrek?
  You got that kind of
  l-don't-care-what-nobody-
  thinks-of-me thing.
  I like that.
  I respect that, Shrek. You all right.
  Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want
  to live in a place like that?
  That would be my home.
  Oh! And it is lovely!
  Just beautiful.
  You are quite a decorator.
  It's amazing what you've done
  with such a modest budget.
  I like that boulder.
  That is a nice boulder.
  I guess you don't
  entertain much, do you?
  I like my privacy.
  You know, I do too.
  That's another thing we have in common.
  Like, I hate it when
  you got somebody in your face.
  You're trying to give them
  a hint, and they won't leave.
  There's that awkward silence.
• Can I stay with you?
• Uh, what?
  Can I stay with you, please?
• Of course!
• Really?
• No.
• Please! I don't wanna go back there!
  You don't know what it's like to be
  considered a freak. Well, maybe you do.
  But that's why we gotta stick together.
  You gotta let me stay!
• Please! Please!
• Okay! Okay!
• But one night only.
• Ah! Thank you!
• What are you… No! No!
• This is gonna be fun!
  We can stay up late,
  swappin' manly stories,
  and in the mornin'
  I'm makin' waffles.
• Oh!
• Where do, uh, I sleep?
  Outside!
  Oh, well,
  I guess that's cool.
  I mean, I don't know you,
  and you don't know me,
  so I guess outside
  is best, you know.
  [Sniffles]
  Here I go.
  Good night.
  [Sighs]
  I mean, I do like the outdoors.
  I'm a donkey. I was born outside.
  I'll just be sitting by myself
  outside, I guess, you know.
  By myself, outside.

  I'm all alone

  There's no one here beside me #
  [Bubbling]
  [Sighs]
  [Creaking]
  [Sighs]
  I thought I told you to stay outside.

• I am outside.
• [Clattering]
  [Clattering]
  Well, gents, it's a far cry from
  the farm, but what choice do we have?
  It's not home,
  but it'll do just fine.
  What a lovely bed.
• Got ya.
• [Sniffs] I found some cheese.
• Ow! [Grunts]
• Blah! Awful stuff.
• Is that you, Gorder?
• How did you know?
  Enough!
  What are you doing in my house?
  [Grunts]
  Hey!
• [Snickers]
• Oh, no, no, no.
• Dead broad off the table.
• Where are we supposed to
  put her? The bed's taken.
  Huh?
  [Gasps]
  [Male Voice]
  What?
  I live in a swamp. I put up signs.
  I'm a terrifying ogre!
  What do I have to do
  to get a little privacy?
• Aah!
• Oh, no.
  Oh, no.
• No! No!
• [Cackling]
• [Cackling Continues]
• What?
• Quit it.
• Don't push.
• [Squeaking]
• [Lows]
  What are you doing
  in my swamp?
  [Echoing]
  Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!
• [Gasping]
• Oh, dear!
  Whoa!
  All right, get out of here.
  All of you, move it!
  Come on! Let's go!
  Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!
• Quickly. Come on!
• No, no!
  No, no.
  Not there. Not there.
• Oh!
• [Sighs]
  Hey, don't look at me.
  I didn't invite them.
  Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
• What?
• We were forced to come here.
• By who?
• Lord Farquaad.
  He huffed und he puffed und he…
  signed an eviction notice.
  [Sighs]
  All right.
  Who knows where
  this Farquaad guy is?
• [Murmuring]
• Oh, I do. I know where he is.
  Does anyone else
  know where to find him?
• Anyone at all?
• Me! Me!
• Anyone?
• Oh! Oh, pick me!
  Oh, I know!
  I know! Me, me!
  [Sighs]
  Okay, fine.
  Attention,
  all fairy tale things.
  Do not get comfortable.
  Your welcome is officially worn out.
  In fact, I'm gonna see
  this guy Farquaad right now…
  and get you all off my land
  and back where you came from!
  [Cheering]
• [Twittering]
• [Cheering Continues]
  Oh! You!
  You're comin' with me.
  All right, that's
  what I like to hear, man.
  Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends,
  off on a whirlwind big-city adventure.
  I love it!

• On the road again

  Sing it with me, Shrek.

• Hey. Oh, oh!

  I can't wait to get

  on the road again #
  What did I say
  about singing?

• Can I whistle?
• No.
• Can I hum it?
• All right, hum it.

  [Humming]

  [Grunts]
  [Whimpering]
  That's enough.
  He's ready to talk.
  [Coughing]
  [Laughing]
  [Clears Throat]
  Run, run, run,
  as fast as you can.
  You can't catch me.
  I'm the gingerbread man!

• You're a monster.
• I'm not the monster here. You are.
  You and the rest of that fairy tale
  trash, poisoning my perfect world.
  Now, tell me!
  Where are the others?
• Eat me!
• [Grunts]
  I've tried to be fair
  to you creatures.
  Now my patience has reached its end!
  Tell me or I'll…
  No, no, not the buttons.
  Not my gumdrop buttons.
  All right then.
  Who's hiding them?
  Okay, I'll tell you.
  Do you know the muffin man?
• The muffin man?
• The muffin man.
  Yes, I know the muffin man,
  who lives on Drury Lane?
  Well, she's married
  to the muffin man.
• The muffin man?
• The muffin man!
• She's married to the muffin man.
• [Door Opens]
  My lord! We found it.
  Then what are you waiting for?
  Bring it in.
  [Man Grunting]
• [Gasping]
• Oh!
• Magic mirror…
• Don't tell him anything!
  No!
• [Gingerbread Man Whimpers]
• Evening.
  Mirror, mirror, on the wall.
  Is this not the most
  perfect kingdom of them all?
  Well, technically
  you're not a king.
  Uh, Thelonius.
• You were saying?
• What I mean is, you're not a king yet.
  But you can become one. All
  you have to do is marry a princess.
• Go on.
• [Chuckles]
  So, just sit back
  and relax, my lord,
  because it's time for you to
  meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
  And here they are!
  Bachelorette number one
  is a mentally abused shut-in
  from a kingdom far, far away.
  She likes sushi
  and hot tubbing anytime.
  Her hobbies include cooking
  and cleaning for her two evil sisters.
  Please welcome Cinderella.
  Bachelorette number two
  is a cape-wearing girl
  from the land of fancy.
  Although she lives with
  seven other men, she's not easy.
  Just kiss her dead, frozen lips
  and find out what a live wire she is.
  Come on.
  Give it up for Snow White!
  And last,
  but certainly not least,
  bachelorette number three
  is a fiery redhead…
  from a dragon-guarded castle
  surrounded by hot boiling lava!
  But don't let that cool you off.
  She's a loaded pistol
  who likes pina coladas
  and getting caught in the rain.
  Yours for the rescuing,
  Princess Fiona!
  So will it be
  bachelorette number one,
  bachelorette number two
  or bachelorette number three?
• Two! Two!
• Three! Three!
• Two! Two!
• Three!
  Three? One?
  [Shudders] Three?
  Three!
  Pick number three, my lord!
  Okay, okay, uh, number three!
  Lord Farquaad,
  you've chosen Princess Fiona.

  If you like pina coladas

• And getting caught in the rain

• Princess Fiona.

• If you're not into yoga

• She's perfect.
  All I have to do is
  just find someone who can go…
  But I probably should mention
  the little thing that happens at night.
• I'll do it.
• Yes, but after sunset…
  Silence! I will make
  this Princess Fiona my queen,
  and DuLoc will finally
  have the perfect king!
  Captain, assemble
  your finest men.
  We're going to have
  a tournament.
  But that's it. That's it
  right there. That's DuLoc.
  I told ya I'd find it.
  So, that must be
  Lord Farquaad's castle.
  [Donkey]
  Uh-huh. That's the place.
  Do you think maybe
  he's compensating for something?
  [Laughs]
  [Groans]
  Hey, wait.
  Wait up, Shrek.
  Hurry, darling.
  We're late. Hurry.
• Hey, you!
• [Screams]
  Wait a second.
  Look, I'm not gonna eat ya.
• I just… I just…
• [Whimpering]
  [Sighs]
  [Whimpering, Groans]
  [Turnstile Clatters]
  [Chuckles]
  [Sighs]

  [Instrumental Muzak]

  It's quiet.
  Too quiet.
  [Creaking]

• Where is everybody?
• Hey, look at this!
  [Clattering, Whirring,
  Clicking]
  [Clicking]
  [Clicking Quickens]

  Welcome to DuLoc

  such a perfect town #

  Here we have some rules

  Let us lay them down #

  Don't make waves, stay in line

  and we'll get along fine #

  DuLoc is a perfect place

  Please keep off of the grass

  Shine your shoes, wipe your… face #

  DuLoc is, DuLoc is

  DuLoc is a perfect

• Place

• [Camera Shutter Clicks]
  [Whirring]
  Wow! Let's do that again!
  No. No.
  No, no, no! No.

  [Trumpet Fanfare]

• [Crowd Cheering]
• [Farquaad] Brave knights.
• You are the best and brightest
  in all the land.

• [Donkey Humming]

  Today one of you
  shall prove himself…
  All right. You're going the right way
  for a smacked bottom.

• Sorry about that.
• [Cheering]
  That champion shall have the honor…
  no, no… the privilege…
  to go forth and rescue
  the lovely Princess Fiona…
  from the fiery keep
  of the dragon.
  If for any reason
  the winner is unsuccessful,
  the first runner-up
  will take his place…
  and so on and so forth.
  Some of you may die, but it's
  a sacrifice I am willing to make.
  [Cheering]
  Let the tournament begin!
• [Gasps]
• Oh!
• What is that?
• [Gasping]
• It's hideous!
• Ah, that's not very nice.
• It's just a donkey.
• Huh?
  Indeed. Knights, new plan!
  The one who kills the ogre will be
  named champion! Have at him!
• Get him!
• Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.
  [Woman]
  Go ahead! Get him!
  Can't we just settle this
  over a pint?
  [Man]
  Kill the beast!
  No? All right then.
  Come on!

  I don't give a damn

  about my reputation #

• You're living in the past

  It's a new generation #

• Damn!
• [Whinnying]

• A girl can do

  what she wants to do #

  And that's what

  I'm gonna do #

  And I don't give a damn

  about my bad reputation #

  Oh, no, no, no, no, no

  Not me #

• Me, me, me

• Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

  And I don't give a damn

  about my reputation #

  Never said I wanted

  to improve my station #
  Ah!
  [Laughs]

• And I'm always feelin'good

  when I'm having fun #

• Yeah!

  And I don't have

  to please no one #
  The chair!
  Give him the chair!

  And I don't give a damn

  about my bad reputation #

  Oh, no, no, no, no, no

  Not me #

  Me, me, me

  Oh, no, no, no, no

  Not me, not me

• Not me

• [Bell Dings]
• [Cheering]
• [Laughs]
  Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah!
  Thank you!
  Thank you very much!
  I'm here till Thursday.
  Try the veal! Ha, ha!
• [Shrek Laughs]
• [Crowd Gasping, Murmuring]
  Shall I give
  the order, sir?
  No, I have a better idea.
  People of DuLoc,
  I give you our champion!
• What?
• Congratulations, ogre.
  You've won the honor of
  embarking on a great and noble quest.
  Quest? I'm already on a quest,
  a quest to get my swamp back.
• Your swamp?
• Yeah, my swamp!
  Where you dumped
  those fairy tale creatures!
• [Crowd Murmuring]
• Indeed.
  All right, ogre,
  I'll make you a deal.
  Go on this quest for me, and
  I'll give you your swamp back.
  Exactly the way it was?
  Down to the last
  slime-covered toadstool.
• And the squatters?
• As good as gone.
  What kind of quest?
  [Donkey] Let me get this straight.
  You're gonna go fight a dragon…
  and rescue a princess just so Farquaad
  will give you back a swamp…
  which you only don't have
  because he filled it full of
  freaks in the first place.
• Is that about right?
• Maybe there's a good reason
  donkeys shouldn't talk.
  I don't get it. Why don't you just
  pull some of that ogre stuff on him?
  Throttle him,
  lay siege to his fortress,
  grind his bones to make your bread,
  the whole ogre trip.
  Oh, I know what.
  Maybe I could have
  decapitated an entire village…
  and put their heads
  on a pike,
  gotten a knife, cut open their
  spleen and drink their fluids.
  Does that sound
  good to you?
  Uh, no, not really, no.
  For your information, there's a lot
  more to ogres than people think.
• Example?
• Example?
• Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
• [Sniffs] They stink?
• Yes… No!
• They make you cry?
• No!
  You leave them out in the sun,
  they get all brown, start
  sproutin' little white hairs.
  No! Layers!
  Onions have layers.
  Ogres have layers!
  Onions have layers.
  You get it? We both have layers.
  [Sighs]
  Oh, you both
  have layers. Oh.
  [Sniffs]
  You know, not everybody likes onions.
  Cake! Everybody loves cakes!
  Cakes have layers.
  I don't care…
  what everyone likes.
  Ogres are not like cakes.
  You know what else
  everybody likes? Parfaits.
  Have you ever met a person, you
  say, "Let's get some parfait,"
  they say, "No,
  I don't like no parfait"?
• Parfaits are delicious.
• No!
  You dense, irritating,
  miniature beast of burden!
  Ogres are like onions!
  End of story.
  Bye-bye. See ya later.
  Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
  on the whole damn planet.
  You know, I think
  I preferred your humming.
  Do you have a tissue or something?
  I'm making a mess.
  Just the word parfait
  make me start slobbering.

  I'm on my way from misery

  to happiness today #

  Uh-huh, uh-huh

  Uh-huh, uh-huh #

  I'm on my way from misery

  to happiness today #

  Uh-huh, uh-huh

  Uh-huh, uh-huh #

  And everything

  that you receive up yonder #

  Is what you give to me

  the day I wander #

  I'm on my way

  I'm on my way

  I'm on my way

  Ooh! Shrek!
  Did you do that?
  You gotta warn somebody before you
  just crack one off. My mouth was open.
  Believe me, Donkey, if
  it was me, you'd be dead.
  [Sniffs]
  It's brimstone.

• We must be getting close.
• Yeah, right, brimstone.
  Don't be talking about it's
  the brimstone. I know what I
  smell. It wasn't no brimstone.
  It didn't come off
  no stone neither.
  [Rumbling]
  Sure, it's big enough,
  but look at the location.
  [Laughing]
  Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when
  you said ogres have layers?
  Oh, aye.
  Well, I have a bit
  of a confession to make.
  Donkeys don't have layers. We wear
  our fear right out there on our sleeves.
• Wait a second.
  Donkeys don't have sleeves.
• You know what I mean.
  You can't tell me
  you're afraid of heights.
  I'm just a little uncomfortable
  about being on a rickety bridge
  over a boiling lake of lava!
  Come on, Donkey.
  I'm right here beside ya, okay?
  For emotional support,
  we'll just tackle this thing
  together one little baby step at a time.
• Really?
• Really, really.
• Okay, that makes me
  feel so much better.
• Just keep moving.
• And don't look down.
• Okay, don't look down.
  Don't look down.
  Don't look down.
  Keep on moving. Don't look down.
  [Gasps]
  Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
  Oh, God, I can't do this!
  Just let me off, please!
• But you're already halfway.
• But I know that half is safe!
  Okay, fine. I don't
  have time for this. You go back.
• Shrek, no! Wait!
• Just, Donkey…
• Let's have a dance then, shall we?
• Don't do that!
  Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?
• Oh, this?
• Yes, that!
  Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.
  [Screams]
  No, Shrek!
• No! Stop it!
• You said do it! I'm doin' it.
  I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.
  Shrek, I'm gonna die.
  Oh!
  That'll do, Donkey.
  That'll do.
  Cool.
  [Donkey] So where is this
  fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?
  Inside, waiting for us
  to rescue her.
  [Chuckles]
  I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
  [Water Dripping]
  [Wind Howling]
  [Donkey Whispering]
  You afraid?
  No, but… Shh.
  Oh, good. Me neither.
  [Gasps]
  'Cause there's nothin'
  wrong with bein' afraid.
  Fear's a sensible response
  to an unfamiliar situation.
  Unfamiliar dangerous
  situation, I might add.
  With a dragon that breathes fire
  and eats knights and breathes fire,
  it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
  if you're a little scared.
  I sure as heck ain't no coward.
  I know that. [Gasps]
  Donkey, two things, okay?
  Shut… up.
  Now go over there and see
  if you can find any stairs.
  Stairs? I thought
  we was lookin' for the princess.
  The princess will be up the stairs in
  the highest room in the tallest tower.
• What makes you think she'll be there?
• I read it in a book once.
  Cool. You handle the dragon.
  I'll handle the stairs.
  I'll find those stairs.
  I'll whip their butt too.
  Those stairs won't know
  which way they're goin'.
  [Creaking]
  I'm gonna take drastic steps.
  Kick it to the curb. Don't mess
  with me. I'm the stair master.
  I've mastered the stairs.
  I wish I had a step right here.
  I'd step all over it.
  Well, at least we know
  where the princess is, but where's the…
  Dragon!
  [Screams]
  [Gasps]
  [Roars]
  Donkey, look out!
  [Screams]
  [Screams]
  [Whimpering]
• Got ya!
• [Roars]
  [Gasps]
  [Shouts]
  Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
  [Screaming]
  [Gasps]
  Oh! Aah! Aah!
  [Gasping]
  [Growls]
  No. Oh, no. No!
  [Screams]
• Oh, what large teeth you have.
• [Growls]
  I mean, white, sparkling teeth.
  I know you probably hear this
  all the time from your food,
  but you must bleach, 'cause that
  is one dazzling smile you got there.
  Do I detect a hint
  of minty freshness?
  And you know what else?
  You're… You're a girl dragon!
  Oh, sure! I mean,
  of course you're a girl dragon.
  You're just reeking
  of feminine beauty.
  What's the matter with you?
  You got something in your eye?
  Ooh. Oh. Oh.
  Man, I'd really love to stay,
  but, you know, I'm, uh… [Coughs]
  I'm an asthmatic, and
  I don't know if it'd work out if
  you're gonna blow smoke rings.
  Shrek!
  [Gasps]
  [Whimpering]
  No! Shrek! Shrek!
  Shrek!
  [Groans, Sighs]

  [Chorus Vocalizing]

  [Vocalizing Continues]

  [Vocalizing Continues]

  Oh! Oh!

• Wake up!
• What?
  Are you Princess Fiona?
  I am, awaiting a knight
  so bold as to rescue me.
  Oh, that's nice.
  Now let's go!
  But wait, Sir Knight.
  This be-ith our first meeting.
  Should it not be
  a wonderful, romantic moment?
• Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
• Hey, wait. What are you doing?
  You should sweep me
  off my feet…
  out yonder window and down a rope
  onto your valiant steed.
  You've had a lot of time
  to plan this, haven't you?
  Mm-hmm.
  [Screams, Grunts]
  But we have to
  savor this moment!
  You could recite
  an epic poem for me.
  A ballad? A sonnet!
• A limerick? Or something!
• I don't think so.
  Can I at least know
  the name of my champion?
  Um, Shrek.
  Sir Shrek.
  [Clears Throat]
  I pray that you take this favor
  as a token of my gratitude.
  Thanks!
  [Roaring]
  You didn't slay the dragon?
• It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
• [Screams]
  But this isn't right!
  You were meant to charge in,
  sword drawn, banner flying.
  That's what all
  the other knights did.
  Yeah, right before
  they burst into flame.
  That's not the point. Oh!
  Wait. Where are you going?
  The exit's over there.
  Well, I have to save my ass.
  What kind of knight are you?
  One of a kind.
  [Donkey]
  Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.
  I believe it's healthy to get to
  know someone over a long period of time.
  Just call me old-fashioned.
  [Laughs]
  I don't want to rush into
  a physical relationship.
  I'm not emotionally ready
  for a commitment of, uh, this…
  Magnitude really is
  the word I'm looking for.
  Magnitude… Hey, that is
  unwanted physical contact.
  Hey, what are you doing?
  Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little
  and take this one step at a time.
  We really should get to know each other
  first as friends or pen pals.
  I'm on the road a lot,
  but I just love receiving cards…
  I'd really love
  to stay, but…
  Don't do that! That's my tail!
  That's my personal tail.
  You're gonna tear it off.
  I don't give permission… What
  are you gonna do with that?
  Hey, now. No way.
  No! No!
  No, no! No.
  No, no, no! No! Oh!
  [Growls]
  [Roars]
• [Roaring]
• [Gasps]
• Hi, Princess!
• It talks!
  Yeah, it's getting him
  to shut up that's the trick.
  [Screams]
  [Screaming]
  Oh!
• [Thuds]
• [Groans]
  [Shrek Groans]
  [Roars]
  [Roars]
  [Roaring]
  [Roars]
  Okay, you two,
  head for the exit!
  I'll take care of the dragon.
  [Echoing]
  Run!
  [Gasping]
  [Screaming]
  [Roaring]
• [Screams]
• [Roars]
  [Panting, Sighs]
  [Whimpers]
  [Roars]
  [Roars, Whimpers]
• [Dragon Growling In The Distance]
• You did it!
  You rescued me!
  You're amazing. You're…
  You're wonderful. You're…
  a little unorthodox I'll admit.
  But thy deed is great,
  and thine heart is pure.
• I am eternally in your debt.
• [Clears Throat]
  And where would a brave knight be
  without his noble steed?
  I hope you heard that. She called me
  a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
  [Fiona Laughs]
  The battle is won.
  You may remove your helmet,
  good Sir Knight.
• Uh, no.
• Why not?
  I have helmet hair.
  Please. I would'st look
  upon the face of my rescuer.
  No, no, you wouldn't… 'st.
  But how will you kiss me?
  What? That wasn't
  in the job description.
  Maybe it's a perk.
  No, it's destiny.
  Oh, you must know how it goes.
  A princess locked in a tower
  and beset by a dragon…
  is rescued by a brave knight,
  and then they share
  true love's first kiss.
  Hmm? With Shrek?
  You think… Wait.
  Wait. You think that
  Shrek is your true love?
  Well, yes.
• [Laughing]
• [Laughing]
  You think Shrek
  is your true love!
  What is so funny?
  Let's just say I'm
  not your type, okay?
  Of course, you are.
  You're my rescuer.
  Now… Now remove your helmet.
  Look. I really don't think
  this is a good idea.
• Just take off the helmet.
• I'm not going to.
• Take it off.
• No!
• Now!
• Okay!
  Easy. As you command,
  Your Highness.
  You… You're a… an ogre.
  Oh, you were expecting
  Prince Charming.
  Well, yes, actually.
  Oh, no. This is all wrong.
  You're not supposed
  to be an ogre.
  [Sighs] Princess, I was sent
  to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay?
  He's the one
  who wants to marry you.
  Then why didn't
  he come rescue me?
  Good question. You should
  ask him that when we get there.
  But I have to be rescued
  by my true love,
  not by some ogre
  and his… his pet.
  So much for noble steed.
  You're not making
  my job any easier.
  I'm sorry, but your job
  is not my problem.
  You can tell Lord Farquaad
  that if he wants to rescue me properly,
  I'll be waiting for him
  right here.
  Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy,
  all right? I'm a delivery boy.
  You wouldn't dare.
• Put me down!
• Ya comin', Donkey?
  I'm right behind ya.
  Put me down, or you will
  suffer the consequences!
  This is not dignified!
  Put me down! [Screams]
  Okay, so here's
  another question.
  Say there's a woman
  that digs you, right, but you
  don't really like her that way.
  How do you let her down real easy
  so her feelings aren't hurt,
  but you don't get burned
  to a crisp and eaten?
  You just tell her
  she's not your true love.
  Everyone knowest what happens
  when you find your…
  Hey!
  [Sighs]
  The sooner we get
  to DuLoc the better.
  You're gonna love it there,
  Princess. It's beautiful!
  And what of my groom-to-be?
  Lord Farquaad? What's he like?
  Let me put it this way,
  Princess.
  Men of Farquaad's stature
  are in short supply.
  [Laughs]
  I don't know. There are those who
  think little of him.
  [Both Laughing]
  Stop it. Stop it,
  both of you.
  You're just jealous you can
  never measure up to a great
  ruler like Lord Farquaad.
  Yeah, well, maybe
  you're right, Princess.
  But I'll let you do the "measuring"
  when you see him tomorrow.
  Tomorrow?
  It'll take that long?
• Shouldn't we stop to make camp?
• No, that'll take longer.
• We can keep going.
• But there's robbers in the woods.
  Whoa! Time out, Shrek!
  Camping's starting to sound good.
  Hey, come on.
  I'm scarier than anything we're
  going to see in this forest.
  I need to find
  somewhere to camp now!
  [Bird Wings Fluttering]
  [Grunting]
• Hey! Over here.
• Shrek, we can do better than that.
  I don't think
  this is fit for a princess.
  No, no, it's perfect.
  It just needs a few homey touches.
• Homey touches? Like what?
• [Crashing]
  A door? Well, gentlemen,
  I bid thee good night.
  You want me to read you
  a bedtime story? I will.
  I said good night!
  Shrek, what are you doing?
  [Laughs]
  I just… You know… Oh, come on.
  I was just kidding.
  [Fire Crackling]
  And, uh, that one,
  that's Throwback,
  the only ogre to ever spit
  over three wheat fields.
  Right. Yeah.
  Hey, can you tell my future
  from these stars?
  The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.
  They tell stories.
  Look, there's Bloodnut,
  the Flatulent.
• You can guess what he's famous for.
• I know you're making this up.
  No, look.
  There he is,
  and there's the group of hunters
  running away from his stench.
  That ain't nothin' but
  a bunch of little dots.
  Sometimes things are
  more than they appear.
  Hmm?
  Forget it.
  [Sighs]
  Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do
  when we get our swamp anyway?
  Our swamp?
  You know, when we're through
  rescuing the princess.
  We? Donkey, there's no "we."
  There's no "our."
  There's just me and my swamp.
  The first thing I'm gonna do is build
  a ten-foot wall around my land.
  You cut me deep, Shrek.
  You cut me real deep just now.
  You know what I think?
  I think this whole wall thing
  is just a way to keep somebody out.
• No, do ya think?
• Are you hidin' something?
  Never mind, Donkey.
  Oh, this is another one of
  those onion things, isn't it?
  No, this is one of those drop-it
  and leave-it-alone things.
• Why don't you want to talk about it?
• Why do you want to?
• Why are you blocking?
• I'm not blocking.
• Oh, yes, you are.
• Donkey, I'm warning you.
• Who you trying to keep out?
• Everyone! Okay?
  Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
  Oh! For the love of Pete!
  What's your problem?
  What you got against the whole world?
  I'm not the one
  with the problem, okay?
  It's the world that seems
  to have a problem with me.
  People take one look at me
  and go, "Aah! Help! Run!
  A big, stupid, ugly ogre!"
  [Sighs] They judge me before
  they even know me.
  That's why
  I'm better off alone.
  You know what?
  When we met, I didn't think you was
  just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
  Yeah, I know.
  So, uh, are there
  any donkeys up there?
  Well, there's, um, Gabby,
  the Small and Annoying.
  Okay, I see it now. The big shiny
  one, right there. That one there?
• That's the moon.
• Oh, okay.

  [Orchestra]

  [Dulcimer]

  [Farquaad]
  Again. Show me again.
  [Music Stops, Rewinds]
  Mirror, mirror, show her to me.
  Show me the princess.

• Hmph.

• [Rewinds, Resumes]

  Ah. Perfect.
  [Inhales]
  [Snoring]

  [Vocalizing]

  [Vocalizing Continues]

  [Whistling]

  [Whistling Continues]

• [Vocalizes]

• [Whistles]

• [Vocalizes]

• [Whistles]

• [Vocalizing]

• [Whistling]

• [Vocalizing, High-pitched]

• [Whistling, High-pitched]

  [Continues]

  [Sizzling]
  [Sniffs, Yawns]
  Mmm, yeah, you know
  I like it like that.

• Come on, baby. I said I like it.
• Donkey, wake up.
• Huh? What?
• Wake up.
• What?
• Good morning.
  How do you like your eggs?
• Good morning, Princess!
• What's all this about?
  We kind of got off
  to a bad start yesterday.
  I wanted to make it up to you.
  After all, you did rescue me.
• Uh, thanks.
• [Sniffs]
  Well, eat up.
  We've got a big day ahead of us.
• [Belches]
• Shrek!
  What? It's a compliment.
  Better out than in,
  I always say. [Laughs]
• Well, it's no way to behave
  in front of a princess.
• [Belches]
• Thanks.
• She's as nasty as you are.
  [Laughs] You know,
  you're not exactly what I expected.
  Maybe you shouldn't judge people
  before you get to know them.

  [Vocalizing]

  [Man]
  La liberte! Hey!
  Princess!

• [Laughs]
• What are you doing?
  Be still, mon cherie,
  for I am your savior!
  And I am rescuing you from this green…
  [Kissing Sounds]
• Beast.
• Hey!
  That's my princess!
  Go find your own!
  Please, monster!
  Can't you see I'm a little busy here?
  Look, pal, I don't know
  who you think you are!
  Oh! Of course!
  Oh, how rude.
  Please let me
  introduce myself.
  Oh, Merry Men!
  [Laughs]

  [Accordion]

  Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo

  I steal from the rich

  and give to the needy #

• He takes a wee percentage

• But I'm not greedy

  I rescue pretty damsels

  Man, I'm good #

• What a guy, Monsieur Hood

• Break it down.

  I like an honest fight

  and a saucy little maid #

• What he's basically saying

  is he likes to get… #

• Paid

• So

• When an ogre in the bush

  grabs a lady by the tush #

• That's bad

• That's bad

  When a beauty's with a beast

  it makes me awfully mad #

  He's mad

  He's really, really mad #

  I'll take my blade and

  ram it through your heart #

  Keep your eyes on me, boys

  'cause I'm about to start #
  [Grunts, Groans]

• [Karate Yell]
• [Merry Men Gasping]
  [Panting]
  Man, that was annoying!
  Oh, you little…
  [Karate Yell]

  [Accordion]

  [Shouting, Groaning]
  [Groaning]
  [Chuckles]
  Um, shall we?

• Hold the phone.
• [Grunts]
  Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
  Hold on now.
• Where did that come from?
• What?
  That! Back there.
  That was amazing!
  Where did you learn that?
  Well… [Chuckles]
  When one lives alone,
  uh, one has to learn these things
  in case there's a…
• There's an arrow in your butt!
• What?
• Oh, would you look at that?
• Oh, no. This is all my fault.
• I'm so sorry.
• Why? What's wrong?
• Shrek's hurt.
• Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt?
  Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.
• Donkey, I'm okay.
• You can't do this to me.
  I'm too young for you to die.
  Keep your legs elevated.
  Turn your head and cough.
• Does anyone know the Heimlich?
• Donkey! Calm down.
  If you want to help Shrek,
  run into the woods and find me
  a blue flower with red thorns.
  Blue flower, red thorns. Okay,
  I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.
  Don't die, Shrek. If you see
  a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
• [Both] Donkey!
• Oh, yeah. Right.
  Blue flower, red thorns.
• Blue flower, red thorns.
• What are the flowers for?
• For getting rid of Donkey.
• Ah.
  Now you hold still,
  and I'll yank this thing out.
  Ow! Hey!
  Easy with the yankin'.
• I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
• No, it's tender.
  Now, hold on.
• What you're doing
  is the opposite of help.
• Don't move.
• Look, time out.
• Would you…
  [Grunts]
  Okay. What do you propose we do?
  Blue flower, red thorns.
  Blue flower, red thorns.
  Blue flower, red thorns.
  This would be so much easier
  if I wasn't color-blind!
• Blue flower, red thorns.
• [Shrek] Ow!
  Hold on, Shrek!
  I'm comin'!
  Ow! Not good.
• Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head.
• [Grunts]
• It's just about…
• Ow! Ohh!
  Ahem.
  Nothing happened.
  We were just, uh…
  Look, if you wanted to be alone,
  all you had to do was ask.
  Oh, come on!
  That's the last thing on my mind.
  The princess here
  was just… Ugh!
• Ow!
• Hey, what's that?
  [Nervous Chuckle]
  That's… Is that blood?
  [Sighs]
  [Bird Chirping]
  [Grunts]

  My beloved monster and me

  We go everywhere together

  Wearin'a raincoat

  that has four sleeves #

• Gets us through all kinds

  of weather #

• Aah!

  She will always be

  the only thing #

  That comes between me

  and the awful sting #

  That comes from living in a world

  that's so damn mean #
  [Croaks]

  Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

  Hey!

• La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

• [Both Laughing]

  La-la, la-la, la-la

  There it is, Princess.
  Your future awaits you.

• That's DuLoc?
• Yeah, I know.
  You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's
  compensating for something,
  which I think means
  he has a really… Ow!
  Um, I, uh…
• I guess we better move on.
• Sure.
  But, Shrek?
• I'm… I'm worried about Donkey.
• [Blubbering]
• What?
• I mean, look at him.
• He doesn't look so good.
• What are you talking about? I'm fine.
  That's what they always say,
  and then next thing you know,
  you're on your back.
• Dead.
• You know, she's right.
  You look awful.
  Do you want to sit down?
• I'll make you some tea.
• I didn't want to say nothin',
  but I got this twinge in my neck,
  and when I turn my head like this, look.
• [Bones Crunch]
• Ow! See?
• Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
• I'll get the firewood.
  Hey, where you goin'?
  Oh, man, I can't feel my toes!
  I don't have any toes!
  I think I need a hug.
  Mmm.
  Mmm. This is good.
  This is really good.
• What is this?
• Uh, weedrat.
  Rotisserie style.
  No kidding.
  Well, this is delicious.
  Well, they're also great
  in stews.
  Now, I don't mean to brag,
  but I make a mean weedrat stew.
  [Chuckling]
  [Sighs] I guess I'll be dining
  a little differently tomorrow night.
  [Gulps] Maybe you can
  come visit me in the swamp sometime.
  I'll cook all kinds
  of stuff for you.
  Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare…
  you name it.
  [Chuckles]
  I'd like that.
  [Slurps, Laughs]

  See the pyramids

  along the Nile #
  Um, Princess?

• Watch the sunrise

  from a tropic isle #

• Yes, Shrek?
• I, um, I was wondering.

• Just remember, darling

  all the while #
  Are you…

  You belong to me

  [Sighs]
  Are you gonna eat that?
  [Chuckles]

• Man, isn't this romantic?
  Just look at that sunset.
• Sunset?
  Oh, no!
  I mean, it's late.
• L-It's very late.
• What?
  Wait a minute.
  I see what's goin' on here.
• You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?
• Yes!
  Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.
  You know, I'd better go inside.
  Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to
  be afraid of the dark, too, until…
  Hey, no, wait.
  I'm still afraid of the dark.
• [Shrek Sighs]
• Good night.
  Good night.
• [Door Creaks]
• [Donkey] Ohh!
  Now I really see
  what's goin' on here.
  Oh, what are you
  talkin' about?
  I don't even wanna hear it. Look,
  I'm an animal, and I got instincts.
  I know you two were diggin'
  on each other. I could feel it.
  You're crazy.
  I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.
  Oh, come on, Shrek.
  Wake up and smell the pheromones.
• Just go on in
  and tell her how you feel.
• L…
  There's nothing to tell.
  Besides, even if I did tell her that,
  well, you know…
  and I'm not sayin' I do
  'cause I don't…
  she's a princess,
  and I'm…
  An ogre?
  Yeah. An ogre.
• Hey, where you goin'?
• To get… more firewood.
  [Sighs]
  Princess?
  Princess Fiona?
  Princess, where are you?
  [Wings Fluttering]
  Princess?
• [Creaking]
• [Gasps]
  It's very spooky in here.
  I ain't playing no games.
  [Screams]
• Aah!
• Oh, no!
• No, help!
• Shh!
• Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
• No, it's okay. It's okay.
• What did you do with the princess?
• Donkey, I'm the princess.
• Aah!
• It's me, in this body.
  Oh, my God!
  You ate the princess!
• Can you hear me?
• Donkey!
• Listen, keep breathing!
  I'll get you out of there!
• No!
• Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
• Shh.
• Shrek!
• This is me.
  [Muffled Mumbling]
  Princess?
  What happened to you?
  You're, uh, uh,
  uh, different.
• I'm ugly, okay?
• Well, yeah!
  Was it something you ate? 'Cause
  I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea.
• You are what you eat, I said. Now…
• No.
  L… I've been this way
  as long as I can remember.
  What do you mean? Look,
  I ain't never seen you like this before.
  It only happens
  when the sun goes down.
  "By night one way,
  by day another.
  "This shall be the norm…
  "until you find
  true love's first kiss…
  and then
  take love's true form."
  Ah, that's beautiful.
  I didn't know you wrote poetry.
  It's a spell.
  [Sighs]
  When I was a little girl,
  a witch cast a spell
  on me.
  Every night I become this.
  This horrible, ugly beast!
  I was placed in a tower to await the day
  my true love would rescue me.
  That's why I have to marry
  Lord Farquaad tomorrow…
  before the sun sets
  and he sees me…
  like this.
  [Sobs]
  All right, all right. Calm down.
  Look, it's not that bad.
  You're not that ugly.
  Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.
  But you only look like this at night.
  Shrek's ugly 24-7.
  But, Donkey,
  I'm a princess,
  and this is not how a princess
  is meant to look.
  Princess, how 'bout if you
  don't marry Farquaad?
  I have to.
  Only my true love's kiss
  can break the spell.
  But, you know, um,
  you're kind of an ogre,
  and Shrek… well,
  you got a lot in common.
  Shrek?
  Princess, l…
  Uh, how's it going, first of all?
  Good?
  Um, good for me too.
  I'm okay.
  I saw this flower and thought of you
  because it's pretty and…
  well, I don't really like it,
  but I thought you might like it
  'cause you're pretty.
  But I like you anyway.
  I'd… uh, uh…
  [Sighs]
  I'm in trouble.
  Okay, here we go.
  [Fiona]
  I can't just marry whoever I want.
  Take a good look
  at me, Donkey.
  I mean, really,
  who could ever love a beast
  so hideous and ugly?
  "Princess"and "ugly"
  don't go together.
• That's why I can't
  stay here with Shrek.
• [Gasps]
  My only chance to live happily
  ever after is to marry my true love.
• [Deep Sigh]
• Don't you see, Donkey?
  That's just how
  it has to be.
  It's the only way
  to break the spell.
• You at least gotta
  tell Shrek the truth.
• No!
  You can't breathe a word.
  No one must ever know.
  What's the point of being able to talk
  if you gotta keep secrets?
  Promise you won't tell.
  Promise!
  All right, all right.
  I won't tell him. But you should.
  I just know before this is over,
  I'm gonna need a whole lot
  of serious therapy.
• Look at my eye twitchin'.
• [Door Opens]
  [Snoring]
  [Fiona]
  I tell him, I tell him not.
  I tell him,
  I tell him not.
  I tell him.
  Shrek!
  Shrek, there's something
  I want…
  [Snoring]
  Shrek.
• Are you all right?
• Perfect!
  Never been better.
  L… I don't…
  There's something I have to tell you.
  You don't have to tell me
  anything, Princess.
• I heard enough last night.
• You heard what I said?
  Every word.
  I thought you'd understand.
  Oh, I understand.
  Like you said, "Who could
  love a hideous, ugly beast?"
  But I thought that
  wouldn't matter to you.
  Yeah? Well, it does.
  [Gasps, Sighs]
• Ah, right on time.
• [Horse Whinnies]
  Princess, I've brought you
  a little something.

  [Fanfare]

  [Yawns]
  What'd I miss? What'd I miss?
  [Muffled] Who said that?
  Couldn't have been a donkey.
  Princess Fiona.
  As promised.
  Now hand it over.
  Very well, ogre. The deed
  to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.
  Take it and go
  before I change my mind.
  Forgive me, Princess,
  for startling you,
  but you startled me,
  for I have never seen
  such a radiant beauty before.
  I am Lord Farquaad.
  Lord Farquaad?
  Oh, no, no.

• [Snaps Fingers]
• Forgive me, my lord,
  for I was just saying…
  a short… farewell.
  That is so sweet. You don't have
  to waste good manners on the ogre.
  It's not like
  it has feelings.
  No, you're right.
  It doesn't.
  Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair,
  flawless Fiona.
• I ask your hand in marriage.
• [Gasps]
  Will you be the perfect bride
  for the perfect groom?
  Lord Farquaad, I accept.
  Nothing would make…
  Excellent! I'll start the plans,
  for tomorrow we wed!
  No! I mean, uh,
  why wait?
  Let's get married today
  before the sun sets.
  Oh, anxious, are we?
  You're right.
  The sooner, the better.
  There's so much to do!
  There's the caterer,
  the cake, the band, the guest list.
  Captain, round up
  some guests!
  [Fiona]
  Fare-thee-well, ogre.
  Shrek, what are you doing?
  You're letting her get away.
• Yeah? So what?
• Shrek, there's something
  about her you don't know.
  Look, I talked to her
  last night. She's…
  I know you talked to her last night.
  You're great pals, aren't ya?
  Now, if you two are such good friends,
  why don't you follow her home?
  Shrek, l…
  I wanna go with you.
  I told you, didn't I?
  You're not coming home with me.
  I live alone!
  My swamp! Me! Nobody else!
  Understand? Nobody!
  Especially useless, pathetic,
  annoying, talking donkeys!
• But I thought…
• Yeah. You know what?
  You thought wrong!
  Shrek.

  I heard there was

  a secret chord #

  That David played

  and it pleased the Lord #

  But you don't really

  care for music, do ya #

  It goes like this

  the fourth, the fifth #

  The minor fall

  the major lift #

  The baffled king

  composing hallelujah #

  Hallelujah

  Hallelujah

  Hallelujah

  Hallelujah

  Baby, I've been here before

  I know this room

  I've walked this floor #

  I used to live alone

  before I knew you #

  I've seen your flag

  on the marble arch #

  But love is not

  a victory march #

  It's a cold

  and it's a broken hallelujah #

  Hallelujah

  Hallelujah

  Hallelujah

  Hallelujah

  And all I ever

  learned from love #

  Is how to shoot at someone

• Who outdrew you

• [Moaning]

  And it's not a cry

  you can hear at night #

  It's not somebody

  who's seen the light #

• It's a cold

  and it's a broken hallelujah #

• [Moaning]

  Hallelujah

  Hallelujah

  Hallelujah

  Hallelujah

  [Thumping Sound]
  Donkey?

• [Grunts]
• What are you doing?
  I would think, of all people, you would
  recognize a wall when you see one.
  Well, yeah.
  But the wall's supposed
  to go around my swamp, not through it.
  It is around your half. See,
  that's your half, and this is my half.
  Oh! Your half. Hmm.
  Yes, my half.
  I helped rescue the princess.
  I did half the work,
  I get half the booty.
  Now hand me that big old rock,
  the one that looks like your head.
• Back off!
• No, you back off.
• This is my swamp!
• Our swamp.
• Let go, Donkey!
• You let go.
• Stubborn jackass!
• Smelly ogre.
  Fine!
• Hey, come back here.
  I'm not through with you yet.
• Well, I'm through with you.
  Uh-uh. You know,
  with you it's always, "Me, me, me!"
  Well, guess what!
  Now it's my turn!
  So you just shut up
  and pay attention!
  You are mean to me.
  You insult me and you don't
  appreciate anything that I do!
  You're always pushing me around
  or pushing me away.
  Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you
  so bad, how come you came back?
  Because that's what friends do!
  They forgive each other!
  Oh, yeah.
  You're right, Donkey.
  I forgive you…
  for stabbin' me in the back!
  Ohh! You're so wrapped up
  in layers, onion boy, you're
  afraid of your own feelings.
• Go away!
• There you are, doing it again
  just like you did to Fiona.
  All she ever do was like you,
  maybe even love you.
  Love me? She said I was ugly,
  a hideous creature.
  I heard the two of you
  talking.
  She wasn't talkin' about you.
  She was talkin' about, uh,
  somebody else.
  She wasn't talking
  about me?
  Well, then who was
  she talking about?
  Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.
  You don't wanna listen to me.
• Right? Right?
• Donkey!
• No!
• Okay, look.
  I'm sorry, all right?
  Hmph.
  [Sighs]
  I'm sorry.
  I guess I am just a big,
  stupid, ugly ogre.
  Can you forgive me?
  Hey, that's what friends
  are for, right?
  Right. Friends?
  Friends.
  So, um,
  what did Fiona
  say about me?
  What are you asking me for?
  Why don't you just go ask her?
  The wedding!
  We'll never make it in time.
  Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where
  there's a will, there's a way,
  and I have a way.
  [Whistles]
• Donkey?
• [Donkey Laughing]
  I guess it's just
  my animal magnetism.
  [Laughing]
  Aw, come here, you.
  All right, all right. Don't get
  all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.
  All right, hop on
  and hold on tight.
  I haven't had a chance to
  install the seat belts yet.
  [Donkey Laughing]
  Whoo!
  [Bells Tolling]
  [All Gasping]
  People of DuLoc,
  we gather here today…
  to bear witness…
• to the union…
• Um…
• of our new king…
• Excuse me.
• Could we just skip ahead
  to the "I do's"?
• [Chuckling]
  Go on.
  Go ahead, have some fun. If we
  need you, I'll whistle. How about that?
  Shrek, wait, wait!
  Wait a minute!
• You wanna do this right, don't you?
• What are you talking about?
  There's a line you
  gotta wait for.
  The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now
  or forever hold your peace."
• That's when you say, "I object!"
• I don't have time for this!
  Wait. What are you doing?
  Listen to me!
• Look, you love this woman, don't you?
• Yes.
• You wanna hold her?
• Yes.
• Please her?
• Yes!

  Then you got to, got to

  try a little tenderness #

• The chicks love that romantic crap!
• All right! Cut it out.
• When does this guy say the line?
• We gotta check it out.
• [Donkey Grunting]
• And so, by the power vested in me,
• [Shrek] What do you see?
• The whole town's in there.
• I now pronounce you husband and wife,
• They're at the altar.
• King and queen.
• Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
• Oh, for the love of Pete!
• [Grunts]
  I object!
• Shrek?
• [Gasps]
  Oh, now what
  does he want?
  [Crowd Clamoring]
  Hi, everyone.
  Havin' a good time, are ya?
  I love DuLoc,
  first of all.
• Very clean.
• What are you doing here?
  Really, it's rude enough
  being alive when no one wants you,
• but showing up uninvited to a wedding…
• Fiona!
• I need to talk to you.
• Oh, now you wanna talk?
  It's a little late for that,
  so if you'll excuse me…
• But you can't marry him.
• And why not?
  Because… Because he's just
  marrying you so he can be king.
  Outrageous!
  Fiona, don't listen to him.
• He's not your true love.
• And what do you know about true love?
  Well, l… Uh…
• I mean…
• Oh, this is precious.
  [Chuckling] The ogre
  has fallen in love with the princess!
• Oh, good Lord.
• [Crowd Laughing]
  An ogre and a princess!
  [Laughing Continues]
  Shrek,
  is this true?
  Who cares?
  It's preposterous!
  Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away
  from our "happily ever after."
  Now kiss me!
  Mmmm!
  "By night one way,
  by day another."
  I wanted to show you before.
• [Whimpers]
• [Crowd Gasping]
  Well, uh,
  that explains a lot.
  [Farquaad]
  Ugh! It's disgusting!
  Guards! Guards!
  I order you to get that
  out of my sight now! Get them!
• Get them both!
• No, no!
  This hocus-pocus alters nothing.
  This marriage is binding,
  and that makes me king!
• See? See?
• No, let go of me! Shrek!
• No!
• [Farquaad] Don't just
  stand there, you morons.
  Get out of my way!
  Fiona!
  Arrgh!
  I'll make you regret the day we met.
  I'll see you drawn and quartered!
• You'll beg for death to save you!
• No! Shrek!
• And as for you, my wife,
• Fiona!
  I'll have you locked back in that tower
  for the rest of your days!
• I am king!
• [Whistles]
  I will have order!
  I will have perfection! I will have…
  Aaah!
• Aah!
• All right. Nobody move.
  I got a dragon here,
  and I'm not afraid to use it.
• [Dragon Roars]
• I'm a donkey on the edge!
• [Belches]
• [Donkey Laughs]
  Celebrity marriages.
  They never last, do they?
  [Cheering]
  Go ahead, Shrek.
  Uh, Fiona?
  Yes, Shrek?
  L… I love you.
  Really?
  Really, really.
  I love you too.
  [All]
  Aawww!
  [Fiona's Voice] "Until you
  find true love's first kiss…
  [Echoing]
  And then take love's true form."
  [Echoing Continues] "Take love's
  true form. Take love's true form."
  Fiona?
  Fiona.
  Are you all right?
  Well, yes.
  But I don't understand.
  I'm supposed to be beautiful.
  But you are beautiful.
  [Chuckles]
  I was hoping this would be
  a happy ending.

  I thought love was only true

  in fairy tales #
  [All]
  Oy!

  Meant for someone else

  but not for me #

  Love was out to get me

  That's the way it seemed

  Disappointment

  haunted all my dreams #

  And then I saw her face

  Now I'm a believer

  And not a trace

  Of doubt in my mind

• I'm in love

• Ooh-ahh

  I'm a believer

  I couldn't leave her #

  If I tried

  God bless us, every one.
  Come on, y'all!

  Then I saw her face # Ha-ha!

  Now I'm a believer

  Listen!

  Not a trace

  Of doubt in my mind

  I'm in love

  Ooh-ahh #

  I'm a believer

  I couldn't leave her if I tried #

• Ooh!
• Uh!

  Then I saw her face

  Now I'm a believer

  Hey!

  Not a trace

  Uhh! Yeah.

  Of doubt in my mind

  One more time!

  I'm in love

  I'm a believer #
  Come on!

  I believe, I believe

  I believe, I believe #

  I believe, I believe

  I believe, I believe, I believe, hey #
  Y'all sing it with me!

  I

  Believe

  I believe

  People in the back!

• I believe

• I'm a believer

  I believe

  I believe

  I believe

  [Hysterical Laughing]
  Oh, that's funny.
  Oh. Oh.
  I can't breathe.
  I can't breathe.

  I believe in self-assertion

  Destiny or

  a slight diversion #

  Now it seems

  I've got my head on straight #

  I'm a freak

  an apparition #

  Seems I've made

  the right decision #

  To try to turn back now

  it might be too late #

• I want to stay home today

• Don't wanna go out

• If anyone comes to play

• Gonna get thrown out

• I wanna stay home today

• Don't want no company

  No way

  Yeah, yeah, yeah

  I wanna be a millionaire

  someday #

  But know what it feels like

  to give it away #

  Watch me march

  to the beat of my own drum #

  And it's off to the moon

  and then back again #

  Same old day

  Same situation #

  My happiness rears back

  as if to say #

• I wanna stay home today

• Don't wanna go out

• If anyone comes my way

• Gonna get thrown out

• I wanna stay home today

• Don't want no company

  No way

  Yeah, yeah, yeah

  I wanna stay home

  stay home, stay home #

• I wanna stay home today

• Don't wanna go out

• If anyone comes to play

• Gonna get thrown out

  I wanna stay home today

  Don't want no company

  No way #

  Yeah, yeah, yeah

  I get such a thrill

  when you look in my eyes #

  My heart skips a beat

  Girl, I feel so alive #

  Please tell me, baby

  if all this is true #

  'Cause deep down inside

  all I wanted was you #

  Oh-oh-oh

  Makes me wanna dance #

  Oh-oh-oh

  It's a new romance #

  Oh-oh-oh

  I look into your eyes #

  Oh-oh-oh

  The best years of our lives #

  When we first met

  I could hardly believe #

  The things that would happen

  and we could achieve #

  So let's be together

  for all of our time #

  Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

  that you are still mine #

  You always consider me

  like an ugly duckling #

  And treat me like a Nostradamus

  was why I had to get my shine on #

  I break a little something

  to keep my mind on #

  'Cause you had my mind gone

  Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh #

  Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

  Let's just rewind the song #

  'Cause all I want to do is

  make the rest years the best years #

  All night long

• Oh-oh-oh, makes me wanna dance

• Makes me wanna dance

• Oh-oh-oh, it's a new romance

• It's a new romance

• Oh-oh-oh, I look into your eyes

• Oh, yeah, yeah

• Look into your eyes

• Oh-oh-oh

• The best years of our lives

• Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

• Oh-oh-oh, makes me wanna dance

• Whoa-oh-oh, dance, yeah

  Oh-oh-oh

  It's a new romance #

• Oh-oh-oh, I look into your eyes

• Look into your eyes, yeah

  Oh-oh-oh

  The best years of our lives #

  Everything looks bright

  Standing in your light

  Everything feels right

  What's left is out of sight

  What's a girl to do

  I'm telling you
  You're on my mind #

  I wanna be with you

  'Cause when you're

  standin'next to me #

  It's like wow

  And all your kisses

  seem to set me free #

  It's like wow

  And when we touch

  it's such a rush
  I can't get enough #

  It's like… It's like

  Ooh-ooh #

  Hey, what

  It's like wow

  Ooh-ooh, hey #

  Hey, yeah

  It's like wow #

  Everything is looking

  right now, right now #

• It's like wow

• And I got this feeling

  This feeling

  it's just like wow #

  It's just like wow

• You are all I'm thinking of.

• Like wow

  Everything feels right

  Everything feels right #

• Like wow

• Everything looks bright

  All my senses are right.

• Like wow

• Everything feels right

  Baby, baby, baby

  the way I'm feeling you #

  Is like wow

  [Instrumental]

  There is something

  that I see #

  In the way

  you look at me #

  There's a smile

  There's a truth #

  In your eyes

  What an unexpected way

  On this unexpected day

  Could it be

  This is where I belong

  It is you I have loved

  All along

  There's no more mystery

  It is finally clear to me

  You're the home

  my heart's searched for #

  So long

  It is you I have loved

  All along

  Whoa, over and over

  I'm filled with emotion

  As I look

  Into your perfect face

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