Notebook.ai

Deleted user

January 24, 2020

idk I had a pretty hefty drug reference in my username a while back and nobody said anything so I think you're good

@Nie-Huaisang-is-lost-in-the-stars

January 24, 2020

(Let me give more detail, we have the format planned out, but not the pun itself)

-something horrific happens-
Dave: is horrified, says something
Steve: makes horrible pun about it
Dave: “Steve, people are dying”

terribly drawn credits roll, happy music plays

I, personally, think I'm bad with puns, but I have a faint idea of one.

-a murderer is going around killing people and tying them by their ankles in nothing but their undergarments-

Dave: looking at bodies "This is horrible. Do they find this funny?"
Steve: also looking at bodies "I don't know, they look deathly serious to me."
Dave: turns head to Steve "Steve, people are dying."

@Althalosian-is-the-father

January 24, 2020

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
One man's trash is another man's treasure. Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

"Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "It's Dave!" "Dave who?" Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive.

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked. "To the morgue," the doctor replied. "What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!" "And we're not there yet," the doctor said.