@"Aloe Vera"
Looks are good, you have a well put together idea of what he looks like and you explain it very well.
Nature is good tooo dang I cant find anything to complain about!
Social is also good and only two issues with history
1) you make Yuki and the other ice wizards out to be very powerful yet they were all killed by humans? did they not fight back at all? If they didnt fight back then it should be mentioned.
2) How does this nameless girl convince Yuki to travel with her?
Everything else is great and Your story sounds interesting.
:)
Hey! Thank you for the critique, I actually explained in Yuki's looks tab that his race is peaceful and does not get involved in wars, therefore do not know how to fight in one. With the girl, that's where his story begins and it's a bit of a summary of what happens in his part of the story, so I kept it missing a lot of intense details because that'll be when I get into writing his story. Again, thank you!
Basically, I need to give him some deeper flaws. But any other thoughts are appreciated. He's my least developed character and he really needs some help.
@traditionalartist
Looks are good, but dark nails is all that differs witches from humans?
Nature goes downhill a bit; everything but mannerisms I mean.
Motivations: First, Wipe* not wiped, it is a small thing but it confused me.
Now for her literal motivations, why does she hate humans so much? all you put here is a checklist for what she's trying to do when what belongs here is why she is trying to do it to begin with!
Same for prejudices. It needs to be explained.
Talents are a bit disappointing, magic witchcraft and sorcery? That is like saying, someone is speedy quick and fast, its just redundant. Also specifying what exactly her magic is capable of would be nice.
Hobbies, this character has lived for over 7 centuries and the only hobbies she gained were picking berries and reading? Come on.
Personality type has the same problem as motivation and prejudices, there isnt enough depth; each and every detail needs to be explained otherwise your character seems like just a bunch of evil words strung together.
Social: all that hatred and whatnot and she has a bestie? Huh.
Also that's a lot of enemies, skimmed through them and I see that they are all siblings, what does she specifically have against those kids? are they the protagonists? Even so, why does she specifically hate all of them?
Moving on the None on politics and the Jobless really irk me. What has she been doing all her centuries of life?
An explanation of why she likes these three peoples things would be a good thing to put in there.
Okay onto the history
several complaints
1) the first line states that Helga and her family "coexisted" with humans. But She wants more, "to live in harmony" whats the difference?
2) Immediately gets an explanation to the first complaint but is too stubborn to delete it soooooooooooo.
3) Alright, the whole wanting to be a part of the human world makes sense but it only gets weird when the witches die, how did the humans know where the witches were? If they knew the whole time why wait until now? Most importantly why didnt they kill Helga?
Alright, overall Helga is a decent antagonist, just add detail, there is no such thing as too much detail! Ive asked a lot of questions in this critique answer them in your character profile.
Good luck :)
@traditionalartist
Looks are good, but dark nails is all that differs witches from humans?
Nature goes downhill a bit; everything but mannerisms I mean.
Motivations: First, Wipe* not wiped, it is a small thing but it confused me.
Now for her literal motivations, why does she hate humans so much? all you put here is a checklist for what she's trying to do when what belongs here is why she is trying to do it to begin with!
Same for prejudices. It needs to be explained.
Talents are a bit disappointing, magic witchcraft and sorcery? That is like saying, someone is speedy quick and fast, its just redundant. Also specifying what exactly her magic is capable of would be nice.
Hobbies, this character has lived for over 7 centuries and the only hobbies she gained were picking berries and reading? Come on.
Personality type has the same problem as motivation and prejudices, there isnt enough depth; each and every detail needs to be explained otherwise your character seems like just a bunch of evil words strung together.
Social: all that hatred and whatnot and she has a bestie? Huh.
Also that's a lot of enemies, skimmed through them and I see that they are all siblings, what does she specifically have against those kids? are they the protagonists? Even so, why does she specifically hate all of them?
Moving on the None on politics and the Jobless really irk me. What has she been doing all her centuries of life?
An explanation of why she likes these three peoples things would be a good thing to put in there.
Okay onto the history
several complaints
1) the first line states that Helga and her family "coexisted" with humans. But She wants more, "to live in harmony" whats the difference?
2) Immediately gets an explanation to the first complaint but is too stubborn to delete it soooooooooooo.
3) Alright, the whole wanting to be a part of the human world makes sense but it only gets weird when the witches die, how did the humans know where the witches were? If they knew the whole time why wait until now? Most importantly why didnt they kill Helga?
Alright, overall Helga is a decent antagonist, just add detail, there is no such thing as too much detail! Ive asked a lot of questions in this critique answer them in your character profile.
Good luck :)
Yes, the nails are the only thing differ witches from humans.
I have this idea where Helga forms an unexpected friendship with a human, who, like her, is also rejected. Helga because of her species (a witch), and this human because of her ability to see and interact with dead people. And when Helga learns that this human is rejected by her own kind, it's an eye-opening revelation for the witch.
Her enemies are descendants of one of the girls who humiliated her at the ball. One of them, Evelyn, is a protagonist.
Rosalia used to brush her daughters' hair as a sign of her motherly love for them. Madara taught Helga some tricks with the dagger, like cutting berries by a single throw or playing pranks on other witches. Ernestina told Helga whenever the latter wanted help, she just needed to ring the bell and the former would be by her side, ready to help her.
Before Helga entered the human world, the humans initially thought of the witches as a myth. But when she used her magic to transform the fake bud into an actual flower, she indirectly revealed herself as a witch and the fact that witches are real. So when she ran home, the girls devised a plan to taught her a lesson by humiliating her in front of the humans. And one of them happened to know the border between the human world and the witch world. So now that they know witches are indeed real, their plan extended from humiliating Helga to wipe out all witches, because for the humans, they only heard bad things about the witches. So naturally they were alarmed when the girls told them their encounter with Helga. And you can guess how the rest played out.
Wow, your critiques helped me in figuring out some things to develop her much, much better than the initial idea. Thanks so much!!! :D
