forum I want to critique some peeps
Started by NOpe
tune

people_alt 9 followers

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

Ok, here's a character, and an excerpt for ya! I ask that you use the excerpt to further understand the character for critiquing him.

He sets the dog down, and sees the devil’s trap. He looks up quickly. “What’s the meaning of this, Nadia Thorn?” He snaps. He looks angry. The dog goes and cowers behind William’s legs, despite William being the actual threat.
“I was advised I should talk to you.” Nadia says. She wore a pair of shorts and a tight shirt. William glares at her.
“I don’t think that putting me in a devil’s trap was needed just for you to talk to me, Nadia. All you had to do was call.”
“Well, you see, I was going to leave, but then I thought why not talk to William.” Nadia mutters more to herself. “I think it’s time we had a chat.” She pulls up a chair and sits down. William continues glaring at her.
“Let me out of this thing, and we’ll talk alright.” Fucking bitch, trapping me here. He looks down at the dog at his feet. “Besides, this dog and I have some business to take care of.”
“Let you out? Well see, if I do that, who says you’ll stay to chat?” She pauses to glance at the dog. “Now? I'm sure the business can wait.” Nadia states and looks at him. In the corner she turns on the TV. Having recorded the news, she plays it. “See, the thing is, I know you did this. I am not George; I don’t make sealed deals. I am going to ask you to stop killing in mass numbers, and people who have families and lives; murderers are fine, criminals are fine, not innocent people.
“Oh, that! I was just having a little fun, no harm in that. Is there?” The dog barks in response to William’s question.
“Yes there's harm in that.” Nadia states. “Why is it you can't just kill people who have no meaning in life, like those who deserve to die?”
“I take it that George forgot to tell you that part of our deal is that I can kill whoever, whenever, wherever, and however as long it’s not anyone working for him. Stupid old man, always forgetting to say important things!”
“No, he told me that. Unlike him though, some of us don’t need others combing this area for a serial killer, and for the record, it's not that hard to kill people who aren't innocent.” William snorts.
"Just so you know; everyone in that building was guilty of something. Lust, greed, gluttony, laziness, wrath, envy, pride; any of these ringing a bell for you? I happened to kill a couple that were trapping children in their basement to have sex with them. I could go on and on!”
“And you yourself are guilty of lust, pride, and who knows what else.” Nadia looks at him. “And as for the couple, would you like a brownie?”
“That’s entirely different. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m a demon! We pride ourselves on mayhem and manslaughter! After all, what would ‘good’ be without ‘evil’; nothing! So I go out and burn a building full of people down, boo fucking hoo!”
“You know you have a soul.” Nadia points out.
“Don’t make me laugh; I lost that thing a long time ago.”
“Actually, in my view, that’s all a demon is, a corrupted soul that lost their way.” William stared at her, and started to slowly crack the floor behind him.
“Well yippee for you.”
“Thank you.” She says sarcastically. “But the thing is if you don't stop you’re on your own with George and everything else. Either we set boundaries here or you can leave, which entitles me quitting and then hunting you.” Nadia states. The devil’s trap breaks, and William goes to step out only to be blocked. He looks up to see the Key of Solomon painted on the ceiling.
“You clever bitch!” He telekinetically throws Nadia to the wall. “I’ll let you go if you promise to let me out.”
“Sorry, but no.” She says calmly. William looks disappointed.
“Then we’ll both be here for a very long time.” He sits down, making himself more comfortable.
“I figured we would be.”
“You know, this is actually the first time that I’ve been out here; on Earth, I mean. George was my first deal. He and I are gonna have fun once time’s up for him, and I am very much looking forward to that day. The things I have planned!” He smiles.
“Fun for you. I’d ask if you want a cookie, but I really don't think I’d give you one even if I had one.” Nadia rolls her eyes. William lets loose a bark of laughter the likes of which Nadia hasn’t heard from him before. It sends a chill down her spine.
“Maybe we could work out a deal…. It’ll cost you though.” He says, an eyebrow raised.
“I'm not some fool. I don’t make deals with demons.”
“Oh, so she’s not stupid after all! Wise and beautiful. One can admire that.”
“I don't take well to flattery, and stupid, no; I have more knowledge than most. The only way out of here is for one to make a set of boundaries; rules or whatever you want to call them, or you can off me.” William smiles, and slowly starts to crush her airway. He stops, and smiles wickedly.
“Killing you does sound fun and all, but then I’d be losing my murdering sidekick, wouldn’t I? No, it’s better to let you live. So let’s say I stop killing these so called ‘innocent people’, what’s in it for me?”

NOpe

Is this a Supernatural fanfic? This is odd lol. Is William a prince of hell? how does that work? I also do not see how this excerpt explain his character? It seems like the common banter between two oddly similar characters.
the character design is kinda unique but nothing that hasn't been done before. The background is lackluster, there has to be more to him than simply being a prince of hell. A decent character

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

Is this a Supernatural fanfic? This is odd lol. Is William a prince of hell? how does that work? I also do not see how this excerpt explain his character? It seems like the common banter between two oddly similar characters.
the character design is kinda unique but nothing that hasn't been done before. The background is lackluster, there has to be more to him than simply being a prince of hell. A decent character

Kinda. The story was meant to take place in the same reality, yet outside of the show's storyline with some references to the show and it's characters. I made up the Princes of Hell before Spn retconned the yellow-eyed demons. Yes, William is a Prince of Hell. They're demons that were actually never human, and were created by Satan/Lucifer himself. The excerpt should show you that he's a cocky, sarcastic, rude being that can be somewhat caring; he actually rescued the dog from being hit by a car, and was gonna give it back to it's owners. Which I now see that I should've included in the excerpt….

NOpe

@TheMusicalVampire Alright, here we go imma ask questions and point things out as I read through your character page, I might answer some of my own questions lol.

Who calls him Lucifer? 132lbs is a lot for a 13-year-old kid even if he is "slightly overweight"

Why will the gashes always stay on his body? does he cut them repeatedly so they don't heal?

This character seems very centered around his depression and anxiety, I am not trying to underplay that or anything but that cannot be all a character is. Even if his suicidal thoughts are a big part of his life, he is human he has other thoughts. You say that he has a lot (I mean a lot) of talents but his only motivation is to keep from killing himself? There has to be more than that!

I've been reading and rereading around Nature tab, I find it offputting that you put down his anxiety and depression as a flaw. Another thing, you go on and on about how depressed and anxious he is but you never (as far as the nature page) explain why, why does he have PTSD? Why is he suicidal? Why is school so difficult for him? If he is so introverted and anxious how is he also "Sarcastic and mature" seems a little contradictory.

*Atheist sorry the spelling was bugging me
Social seems solid
History, boy, this is a trip. Okay, so it doesn't really make sense. nothing is explained, when it is explained its exaggerated to unrealistic levels. Why was he depressed, to begin with, how would people spread rumors about him liking a girl cause that level of drama and that kind of panic attacks? And further along how did this all give him PTSD?

This could be so much better if you went back and explained in detail how Lucas feels instead of just repeating how depressed and suicidal he is; depression is more than just well depression; its a mixture of many different emotions, moments and, thoughts mushed together into a terrible amalgamation of sadness.

This character has a lot of potential if done correctly, more detail, less cliche, and some more expression put into his history would be a nice start.

NOpe

@castcool Before anything else. I was so excited for a moment to have an Ace character, we never get enough representation; she prefers girls? Huh. You know what Ace means right? they don't swing either way. Anyway personal prejudice aside
She's cool, little short for her age.You didn't put much in to explain her personality. More detail on the Personality type and mannerisms could be used to fill in some of the gaps. Social is fine. History could use more; where she now? What is she doing?
Overall nice character just needs some more detail is all :)

@castcool

Oh, I am sorry for jumping to conclusions lol, I like her even more now :)

don't worry about it :) thanks for the critique

Deleted user

What do you think this character is like?

Sam Samudrala

  • "Oh my fucking hell," Sam winced. "Haha, it's not as if I need to hear jokes about this all day on how no one would reproduce with whom,"
  • This @$$hole bribed me to steal the test answers in biology, Sam wanted to say. And when I got caught, I took the blame. They didn't mention the numerous flirtations and dates that Sam had thought actually meant something. Little did they know, it was all just one big freaking lie. "Nothing you need to know about," they actually said.
  • "Haha, very funny," Sam said sarcastically. "Just don't sever any major blood vessels, but you're incompetent enough to even do that,"
  • Sam concentrated hard, trying to block out the noise of battle from around them. The tingling began in their heart, spreading to the rest of their body and wracking them with spasms. This transformation was harder than anything else Sam had ever tried, but they were sure they could make it. Just a bit more… They opened their wolfish amber eyes and launched themselves at Mrs. Moon.
  • Sam came outside, holding a wallet. They turned around to see Kiera on the steps, nearly tripping over her. "hOLY SH*T, Kiera! There you are!" Then they noticed Kiera's head in her hands. Sam sat down with her. "Hey, you okay?" they asked softly.
  • Sam sighed. "I'm sorry, but my honor is at stake. I can't just call off a duel. Can you tell him to meet me at the front of the school?"
  • Sam smirked. Although Gnaw was extremely powerful, they had an ace up their sleeve: They had touched Jessica when she was a wolf. Sam had no idea what was going to happen, but they hoped it would be something powerful.

NOpe

@wwmoxie
Lila Salazar
Seems simple enough with her design but nature is a little contradictory.
In motivation and flaws make her out to look up at others maybe even with aw wanting to prove herself. But in the second half, she is challenging and condescending.
Social is pretty solid.
Note not really a complaint more of a question; arent AP classes a part of high school? or is it different where you live?
The background is nice and well put together.
How is she Dyslexic but likes working with numbers? Is it because she likes the trouble of trying to understand them?

Oliver Mercado
Design is nice
Where do his powers come from? His motivation/background seems to contradict with his attitude. If he killed a kid and is stated to be and I quote "Tries to be really careful" but he is now "really violently angry when provoked, completely irrational and violent. Kinda needs to chill" I guess It could make sense, just a thought
Another question, why does he feel like he doesn't fit in?
More info on his background would be nice,
Nice characters

NOpe

What do you think this character is like?

Sam Samudrala

  • "Oh my fucking hell," Sam winced. "Haha, it's not as if I need to hear jokes about this all day on how no one would reproduce with whom,"
  • This @$$hole bribed me to steal the test answers in biology, Sam wanted to say. And when I got caught, I took the blame. They didn't mention the numerous flirtations and dates that Sam had thought actually meant something. Little did they know, it was all just one big freaking lie. "Nothing you need to know about," they actually said.
  • "Haha, very funny," Sam said sarcastically. "Just don't sever any major blood vessels, but you're incompetent enough to even do that,"
  • Sam concentrated hard, trying to block out the noise of battle from around them. The tingling began in their heart, spreading to the rest of their body and wracking them with spasms. This transformation was harder than anything else Sam had ever tried, but they were sure they could make it. Just a bit more… They opened their wolfish amber eyes and launched themselves at Mrs. Moon.
  • Sam came outside, holding a wallet. They turned around to see Kiera on the steps, nearly tripping over her. "hOLY SH*T, Kiera! There you are!" Then they noticed Kiera's head in her hands. Sam sat down with her. "Hey, you okay?" they asked softly.
  • Sam sighed. "I'm sorry, but my honor is at stake. I can't just call off a duel. Can you tell him to meet me at the front of the school?"
  • Sam smirked. Although Gnaw was extremely powerful, they had an ace up their sleeve: They had touched Jessica when she was a wolf. Sam had no idea what was going to happen, but they hoped it would be something powerful.

Not sure what to think of that lol

@Tarrant_Korrin

Good timing, I just finished the first character of my new story. the plot is to complex to explain concisely but essentially a girl from modern day earth, a prince from a high fantasy world and the woman I'm about to share end up in a world at the centre of all universes.

let me know if she's too over the top.

NOpe

@Tarrant_Korrin No plot is too complex lol.
Starting off with Looks 60kg is slightly underweight for someone as tall as she is and for being so muscular as you say under Body type. Her hair is peculiar, why the reference to forging steel and coals? does her hair glow? Mannerisms seem more like personality type than Mannerisms, more description of how she acts in general, like how does she walk? how does she talk? what kind of accent does she have? how does her face move when she talks?
not much to complain about aside from her simplicity as a person, she seems like an all "hey I'm an absolute badass who has so much power and no weaknesses" type of character. Im sure thats the point lol.
Nice character but could use more of a personality.