So like if you've been on notebook for a while then you've probably seen me pop up with a thread doing character critiques and then bounce off a month later because I always get burned out, and then I left notebook for a good while, but I've decided to come back because I really like reading other people's characters. So I'm gonna try to do critiques again for the summer before college starts back up for me. My lil rules are:
Only send one (1) character at a time
Make sure they're public
Don't resend a character I've already read with updates; I'm happy if you take my words to heart but it clogs up the thread a bit
Don't send in characters for a critique if you aren't good at taking critique
I won't create a character from scratch for you, so make sure you've built them to your best ability before sending them for critique
If there's something specific you want me to focus on with your character, let me know! I usually avoid talking about mannerisms in my critiques btw, so if you want those mentioned definitely let me know
I really wanna do a good long critique this time, and ideally I would shove this in the critique/sharing section of the forums, but it doesn't get as much traffic as the character one, so hopefully that's okay that its here ;_; I also might consider making a discord just because I'd like to have a nice little group to talk about writing with more in depth, so let me know if you might be interested in that!
THANK GOODNESS I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS POST. Ok ok, so can you criticize my baby? Queirra Lucis Caelum
But please keep in mind that i'm not good at english so excuse my poor choice of words. And also, i created her character based on two canon characters of final fantasy series, so something might not be able to make sense. You can criticize everything about her, including mannerism. i wouldnt mind coz i lack a lot lol. THANK YOU SOOO MUCH IN ADVANCE :)
Deleted user
Hey! Do you think you could critique Melanie for me? If not, it's alright. If you can though, that'd be great!
@Syfia I'm quite fond of Final Fantasy as a franchise (even if I only like a handful of those games) so this'll be a fun critique! And don't worry about the English thing ^.^ Queirra Lucis Caelum
I like the depth used to describe her appearance, even for something as simple as hair color. I will say though, if she is athletic and is doing a lot of physical activity in your story (which I assume any story drawing from FF would) you might want to give her a few extra pounds just to compensate for muscle weight. I think a lot of people forget that weight doesn't come from just fat, and that people who have any sort of muscle definition probably come into the average of their weight/height category, rather than someone who is thin and doesn't work out at all. I also really like the description of her outfit, it paints a good image!
For her mannerisms, some of these aren't actually mannerisms. They tend to be physical ticks/movements, like her fidgeting with her dagger or guitar pick. Something like talking very little or being easy going around people close to her is more fitting for the personality section, unless you want to point out how her body language might be different between strangers and friends. Also, what does talking with a cold presence mean? I get the image of someone who might be stiff or monotone in conversation, but it's sort of unclear as to what you mean. What gives her an intimidating aura? She's not a particularly intimidating person when it comes to appearance at least. Not particularly tall, or muscular, and she's a girl, so she would probably be greatly underestimated by peers rather than intimidating them. What about her gaze is so intimidating? Is she really good at holding eye contact? That can be uncomfortable for people, so maybe if she was someone who never looks away or doesn't talk out of the left side of their face, I could see how that might intimidate others.
I like the simplicity of her motivations! Sometimes a character with complex motives can be swamped by contradictions, so something like seeking redemption and recognition is nice, especially since it can be relatable for a reader. How far would she go for these motivations, though? Would she do anything to complete this redemption? Is there a line she won't cross?
Hmm, under flaws she's too stubborn to be controlled, but under motivations you mention she had succumbed to a brainwashing of some sort. Wouldn't it make sense that someone who had been hurt like that in the past might struggle greatly with people manipulating them again? Like, a toxic and easy habit to fall right back into? If she can be manipulated into protecting herself by killing others, then she's not too stubborn to be controlled, because the affects of that brainwashing are still controlling who she is now. I think she would be much more interesting if the flaw she grappled with was being too easy to control rather than being too stubborn. That way, she has a constant internal conflict other than nightmares and it can flesh out the trauma of her past in a deeper, more obvious way. Trauma isn't just nightmares, of course, and I rarely see stories that show how trauma can be an inconvenience, so I think this might be something to consider. It would also be an interesting flaw to have because her supporting cast might have to constantly step in to protect her, and that could cause conflict between her and her friends.
Her prejudices are good, and I'm glad you included them! I wonder how her views might change, if they ever do? Of course, that's for your story to tell, not a simple character sheet!
I appreciate that her talents and hobbies are actually separate activities, as that she has a personality outside of being able to fight. She feels more like a person who is capable of doing these things rather than a character who serves a specific goal of completing missions.
I like her colder personality, but again, I've brought up my issues with the idea of her being strong willed earlier. If she ever starts second guessing her brain washing, that'll be a good show of that strong will, of course, but I think to really bring out her past and her flaws you could dive deeper. Make sure that her flaws are a problem, and not just she has nightmares and feels constant pain. Those are good sympathizers, but they aren't her. They're just things that are happening to her because of an outside force. Ultimately, no different from being cut by another person's knife, rather than wielding it her self.
Oof, she never really cared about politics? Definitely not someone I would want to be leading a country, even if she is a good strategist! It's a pretty awful thing to hear that your future ruler might not really care about their future job. This was kind of my gripe with Noctis from FFXV to begin with. Sweet kid, probably would have been a terrible king without his boy squad to help him out.
She's got a pretty cool past, not gonna lie. Definitely sounds like something Nomura might have written, haha! I like the idea of heavy consequences to messing with the realm of death, because honestly, it should be riddled with terrible rewards and deals. It's a bit messy after the being brought back to life thing, but probably won't be once it's actually written.
She's a pretty interesting character, I'll say that! Avoid making her too perfect, because her being a great fighter and great strategist is a sure-fire way to making your conflicts boring, and make sure her flaws come from her, not the surrounding characters affecting her. Other than that, I think she's good, and you don't have to take my critique at all if you don't want to. Thanks for letting me read about her!
@Vampiress-will-have-to-leave-soon Of course I can critique, it's what I'm here for ;) Melanie Falcon Rodriguez
I don't think there's a real need to point out that her hair is a darker color when it's wet. That's how everyone's hair functions, so readers can just assume this. Is there a reason why her strength isn't shown by her physique? If she's strong, she might as well look the part! We don't have a whole lot of visually strong female characters in the first place.
Is caring for her mother a motivation, or just something she does? Like is she motivated to do things because of her mother at all? It just kind of sounds like something she has to deal with. You wouldn't put down that having a job motivates her, would you? So the mother thing is worded a little weird or something, I dunno, it's not really clicking for me.
Her prejudice is… interesting? If she doesn't have friends who are POC that doesn't really make her racist, unless she is actively avoiding these kinds of people in the first place. Does she just have non-POC friends because of where she lives? Because that's also a thing. It would certainly be an interesting idea to flesh out for her character. I'd move her sports stuff from talents to hobbies by the way, unless sports is a big part of her personality and she is particularly talented in these fields.
I think her personality is okay, with a balance of her good traits and her flaws, but I do feel like something is missing to make this character stand out. Maybe I've just seen a lot of this type of character, but I just feel like something else could be added to make her more unique. After reading her past, you say that she's a product of it (as we all are) but I don't quite feel that from her. She's quick to anger, which I think a lot of people from troubled pasts show off and I really like about her personality, but maybe there should be more? People with a lot of trauma tend to be ostracized by society because their coping might show in loud or dangerous ways, and not everyone has patience for it. I wonder also what sort of flaws would she have naturally without her past to mold her personality, and what flaws will she never grow out of as her story progresses. Obviously not everyone with a traumatic past acts the same or deals with it similarly, but I feel like there should be something more extreme about her because her past is extreme and yet she seems to be set in a rather normal, relatable setting (college, yes?)
I think that she just might be one of those characters that does better on actual paper, like the story itself, then an outline like this, so I don't think there's too much wrong about her. I do quite like her, and it's always interesting to see how a writer might deal with these sort of heavy topics, so good luck with her!
@Syfia I'm quite fond of Final Fantasy as a franchise (even if I only like a handful of those games) so this'll be a fun critique! And don't worry about the English thing ^.^ Queirra Lucis Caelum
I like the depth used to describe her appearance, even for something as simple as hair color. I will say though, if she is athletic and is doing a lot of physical activity in your story (which I assume any story drawing from FF would) you might want to give her a few extra pounds just to compensate for muscle weight. I think a lot of people forget that weight doesn't come from just fat, and that people who have any sort of muscle definition probably come into the average of their weight/height category, rather than someone who is thin and doesn't work out at all. I also really like the description of her outfit, it paints a good image!
For her mannerisms, some of these aren't actually mannerisms. They tend to be physical ticks/movements, like her fidgeting with her dagger or guitar pick. Something like talking very little or being easy going around people close to her is more fitting for the personality section, unless you want to point out how her body language might be different between strangers and friends. Also, what does talking with a cold presence mean? I get the image of someone who might be stiff or monotone in conversation, but it's sort of unclear as to what you mean. What gives her an intimidating aura? She's not a particularly intimidating person when it comes to appearance at least. Not particularly tall, or muscular, and she's a girl, so she would probably be greatly underestimated by peers rather than intimidating them. What about her gaze is so intimidating? Is she really good at holding eye contact? That can be uncomfortable for people, so maybe if she was someone who never looks away or doesn't talk out of the left side of their face, I could see how that might intimidate others.
I like the simplicity of her motivations! Sometimes a character with complex motives can be swamped by contradictions, so something like seeking redemption and recognition is nice, especially since it can be relatable for a reader. How far would she go for these motivations, though? Would she do anything to complete this redemption? Is there a line she won't cross?
Hmm, under flaws she's too stubborn to be controlled, but under motivations you mention she had succumbed to a brainwashing of some sort. Wouldn't it make sense that someone who had been hurt like that in the past might struggle greatly with people manipulating them again? Like, a toxic and easy habit to fall right back into? If she can be manipulated into protecting herself by killing others, then she's not too stubborn to be controlled, because the affects of that brainwashing are still controlling who she is now. I think she would be much more interesting if the flaw she grappled with was being too easy to control rather than being too stubborn. That way, she has a constant internal conflict other than nightmares and it can flesh out the trauma of her past in a deeper, more obvious way. Trauma isn't just nightmares, of course, and I rarely see stories that show how trauma can be an inconvenience, so I think this might be something to consider. It would also be an interesting flaw to have because her supporting cast might have to constantly step in to protect her, and that could cause conflict between her and her friends.
Her prejudices are good, and I'm glad you included them! I wonder how her views might change, if they ever do? Of course, that's for your story to tell, not a simple character sheet!
I appreciate that her talents and hobbies are actually separate activities, as that she has a personality outside of being able to fight. She feels more like a person who is capable of doing these things rather than a character who serves a specific goal of completing missions.
I like her colder personality, but again, I've brought up my issues with the idea of her being strong willed earlier. If she ever starts second guessing her brain washing, that'll be a good show of that strong will, of course, but I think to really bring out her past and her flaws you could dive deeper. Make sure that her flaws are a problem, and not just she has nightmares and feels constant pain. Those are good sympathizers, but they aren't her. They're just things that are happening to her because of an outside force. Ultimately, no different from being cut by another person's knife, rather than wielding it her self.
Oof, she never really cared about politics? Definitely not someone I would want to be leading a country, even if she is a good strategist! It's a pretty awful thing to hear that your future ruler might not really care about their future job. This was kind of my gripe with Noctis from FFXV to begin with. Sweet kid, probably would have been a terrible king without his boy squad to help him out.
She's got a pretty cool past, not gonna lie. Definitely sounds like something Nomura might have written, haha! I like the idea of heavy consequences to messing with the realm of death, because honestly, it should be riddled with terrible rewards and deals. It's a bit messy after the being brought back to life thing, but probably won't be once it's actually written.
She's a pretty interesting character, I'll say that! Avoid making her too perfect, because her being a great fighter and great strategist is a sure-fire way to making your conflicts boring, and make sure her flaws come from her, not the surrounding characters affecting her. Other than that, I think she's good, and you don't have to take my critique at all if you don't want to. Thanks for letting me read about her!
THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH, you wont gonna believe how happy i am right now. I'll consider your criticism and try to fix my character. Glad you're fond of final fantasy so you'd be able to understand her better AAAAAA THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH
@a_negligee_blown_away Yup, sorry I took so long! Got a bit busy and I keep running into really bad hand pains when I'm typing ^.^' Willow Fade
Appearances seem good, so no real critique there. Under conditions though, I think that's where you would put an illness or some other affliction, not the tidbit that she's a motherly figure to everyone. Like, if she were to have asthma or something. At least, that's what it describes conditions as in its tab on the website itself.
I don't know if I'd put not a fast runner under flaws, but that might just be me because I keep flaws for personality flaws. Most people aren't fast runners, it's not really a flaw, even physically.
Absolutely no prejudices? Nothing? I know that she's a kind and sweet mother figure, but a prejudice or two would actually make her interesting. I don't mean to say she's not interesting, it's just that she is pretty much a mother figure to a T. If she had some prejudices then she would actually feel like a human being, and not just a character to fill in the niche of being motherly.
I appreciate the mix up of talents and hobbies she has though, because it sounds like she has something to keep her busy and engaging outside of the plot. I'm not sure how crucial she is to the story (like if she's a main character or a minor character) but these are always good things to have! That way, she has a few things that allow her to exist for herself and not just others.
I think my biggest critique of her character is that, despite having a hefty section of flaws filled out, she is incredibly one note. Everything she is, everything she has been described as, simply leads back to her being motherly. It's okay to have these kind of characters existing in the background, but they're not very interesting. Why can't she have prejudices? Why can't she have bigger flaws other than basically 'too nice'? She's too perfect in that sense, and not very engaging. Even the most motherly of women in real life have flaws that go beyond being too trusting.
Wouldn't it be more interesting if the mother figure wasn't someone who was simply too kind-hearted, and rather someone with deeper flaws? Why has she not become distrusting over the betrayal she faced in the past? What would change her? If she holds grudges, what does she do to get rid of those grudges? Does she seek revenge? Is she vicious? Her guilt is interesting, but would she make the same mistake again? If she did make this mistake, would she be someone who an audience could forgive twice? I think she's suitable for someone else's plot point in the story, or serving as a nice home base for a different character, but by herself she's not very believable and, to be honest, not a character I would personally root for in a story. Of course, I'm just one person, and I'm sure her kind of character could still click for many others, so good luck with her!
@a_negligee_blown_away No need to submit Willow twice I saw her the first time ^.^''. I'd prefer if you wait for me to critique your first sent character before you post on the thread again, just for future reference. But since I have critiqued Willow, I'll look at Alice for you! Alice Murray
Okay, so the critique for her will be a bit shorter just because she has a bit less information filled out, hope you don't mind!
It's hard to believe someone who is so unstable is able to figure out other people easily. She seems like someone whose perceptions are warped, or who has some sense of paranoia (especially after the history you gave her) and I just don't see how someone like that could correctly interpret the people around them. If anything, I would imagine that she has a really skewed sense of reality and how people are acting to her instead of having this innate sort of cunning. It just isn't the sort of talent I could believe with this kind of character.
Loathing and distrusting doctors makes total sense and I'm happy it's there, but I'm surprised she comes out of that situation only having a prejudice of doctors. I mean, an asylum, right? Does she not have any prejudices to others with mental illness? Like, being around the doctors might have also warped her sense of empathy if they were so cruel to patients. Or what about people in the outside world? Men? I think more prejudices would fill out her perceptions a bit more, as she's already a character whose head is going to be more difficult for readers to get into.
After looking over her character, I feel as if she is just a woman who is simply her mental illness. The flaws are filled out for her behavior, and they're all good and well, but her personality section itself is just stating that she is unstable and erratic, which I kind of already got from the flaws. She was a good cook before when she was healthy and that's all you've given me as to who she was before this. I don't really feel like there's a trait that's Alice and not just her illness or her trauma and it makes her character a bit muddy. I think she should be defined by more than just that. At least post some likable traits about her, because her profile is only filled with the things that make her unstable or hold her back. Hope this helped!
I'm glad you put that she's skinny in body type because I was completely caught off guard by her weighing a pound less than me and being three inches taller! Other than that, appearance seems good.
It usually takes less than a week for her to open up to someone? I don't feel like that's particularly slow at all to be honest, I would either just leave it at her taking varying times to open up with different people or extend that amount of time.
She has a bunch of flaws and critical traits, but is there anything positive about this girl? When she opens up, who is she really beyond sarcasm? Without trauma and depression, who was she? So far she's just a whole lot of negative and no matter how tragic her life, no one realistically wants to hang around someone like that. There should be something that makes people want to break past her walls and befriend her or at least something to make the readers root for her other than a bunch of piled up misery. A lot of personality seems to be just a product of her abuse. Now, in a room full of victims of abuse, would you assume them to all have the same personality? Would they all show the traits of their abuse on their sleeve? Probably not. Bianca could use something that makes her more human rather than a product of the events around her. Like music is a nice touch, but a little cliche. What really makes her stand out from a looooong list of characters? The critique is a bit shorter, but I don't want to get repetitive, so I hope you understand what I'm trying to get at here ^.^ I think adding some more to her, really polishing out who she was, who she is, who she will be, and giving her a few more specifics to her will really make her shine!
Hey, sorry to be a bother but could you take a look at my character? It would be much appreciated if you could read her listed mannerisms :) Any critique is much needed! Thanks - Annora (Dovahkiin)
Hey dude, cool to have you back! :)
Alright I'm almost 100% sure I haven't sent you this one yet haha: Cameron Ybarra His name's Cameron. He's a side character but I'd still like to have him well-rounded and sandpapered (if that's not too crude a term). Critique of mannerisms would definitely be appreciated! :) Thank you very much!
Thanks for pointing out that he's not human in the weight category, definitely an important note with those kind of numbers. His appearance has a lot of depth, it's really good, and I absolutely love the picture provided for him! It's some really nice character design and gets his character across in one simple image.
A character that doesn't speak is always suuuuper interesting for me (currently in the process of making a mute character too!!) so I'm v excited for this critique. Because he doesn't speak, something like mannerisms is super important because that's what's going to get his intentions across rather than dialogue. The ones he has now are good, but it'd be interesting to see if he had any more mannerisms that were a little more unique to him? I get that he's pretty emotionless, but maybe something like expanding on what you mean by clumsy in physical interactions. I guess I just can't really visualize what you mean by that.
Nice, clean, simple motivation; I like it. He's given me a lot of Noragami vibes if you've ever watched that, with the whole Regalia and god dynamic. Those are some very good vibes too considering it's my favorite show ^.^
I reeeally love a character who grows into emotions/humanity (as much as a non-human person can) over the course of a series, and I know he's listed as only a supporting character, but I find it to be super gripping. I think he has just enough personality for a supporting character too. He kind of follows what you would expect of someone who is just starting to show emotion and interest in the world around him, so I don't have any major critiques to give. I really like him! I will say, he doesn't have prejudices now and I totally get that for this kind of character, but as he develops more of a personality it would be interesting to see if he develops prejudices too. Other than that, he's pretty intriguing. Good job with him!
I think you might have overdone it on the mannerisms, to be honest. Things mentioning how she moves are fine, but the extra details like being watchful or what she's wearing dont' really have a place here and could easily put in another, more relevant section. I'm also not sure how important these particular mannerisms are to her character in general, but that might just be my bias against the mannerism section showing.
I think you could simplify her motivations too, just saying its her destiny and her friends that motivate her gets the point across all the same. Though if she's getting tired of having the fate of the world on her shoulders, how great of a motivation is it actually for her? All lot of her flaws section is actually stuff that belongs in her history, and I wouldn't call a curse one of her flaws. It's something she has to deal with that's negative, but a flaw would be more like a personality trait she has that's undesirable, not something she had not control over. It's also a bit hard to have a character who both doesn't trust easily and is gullible, but I think that might be something that plays out better in actual writing than a character template. I think rather than writing that she steals/has stolen as a flaw, just put down that she's impulsive or doesn't care about consequences/punishment.
This is a personal problem for me reading the profile because I have a lot of other profiles to read, but you put too much unnecessary information in each section. You don't need to build up to saying what her prejudices is with a paragraph saying she doesn't try to be prejudiced but sometimes can be; that's most people. It isn't strictly necessary. I'm pointing this out also because the point of a character template is as a good and quick reference to your character when you're actually writing/using (not sure if your going to be novelizing her or some other media) but having these really big paragraphs defeats the purpose of this sort of set up. Don't get me wrong, I like depth and detail, but I don't think it's really clarifying who she is as a person, and I'm getting kind of confused with all this information. Her politics don't need to be talked about in depth in her prejudice section; there is a tab for politics in social. Just mention that she hates the Thalmor in prejudice and then elaborate on the background of that in the politics tab. The last paragraph of her prejudices is exactly what I need to read, and anyone else who is going to be looking at her, but more importantly it's what you are going to need to read when you do go back to her for reference.
Talents are all good and make sense for her position. Just make sure there are somethings that she struggles to do so that she isn't overpowered. Maybe it would be more interesting if she really struggled with Thu'um even though she's the uber special person who has it? I know a bit about Skyrim, so maybe Dragonborn are naturally speedy at this, I can't recall. If so, just ignore what I said lol
I also like that her hobbies don't directly line up with her talents! It feeds into the image your setting for her. People think they know her by her talents, but people close with her would know her by her hobbies. It's very cute and I like it! Gotta get those cheese wheels u_u
I think her personality is balanced and not too overwritten and detailed like some other sections, but I would like to see more critical flaws for her. Something that could really make or break having a friendship with her. Getting a little intense in combat doesn't really do it for me, especially since it's a bit of a common trope at this point for main characters to show a different side in battle. It can still be done well, of course. Her lashing out at people who try to help her during her down episodes is sort of a 'reasonable' flaw. It's cause and effect can be explained and avoided, even if it is something she needs to build past and grow out of. It's probably more of my personal bias enjoying more intense flaws, so you can also just disregard all of that and she still works as is.
I kind of expected her to have bigger ties to religion because her destiny was listed as her motivation, but I kind of like this approach, too. It's just enough to show her engaged with her world without making it this whole internal conflict that might overtake other, more important parts of her story.
Okay, the favorite color thing is just… extra. It's not that deep.
But the favorite food thing makes sense! It feels more linked back to her personality and past than going off about her favorite color(s) and I quite like it. This makes her more fleshed out. And the favorite possession thing gives a sense of journey as she finds these items in different locations, also pulling back to her hobby of traveling. (I guess traveling is also a necessity with her job, but she likes it and that's important!)
(Looking at her birthday) Does Skyrim have its own calendar system? :0 I never knew that lol that's pretty neat. I don't really have anything to say on her history, it all makes sense ^.^
Overall, I still kind of feel like I don't really know Annora even though there is all this detail written about her. I think I get the gist of who she is, but I have a feeling she translates better on page than on template. You can disregard everything I say and still have a pretty solid character, I think. Good luck with her!
@Kaloobia It's cool to be back, I missed doing this! Cameron
I like how his mannerisms establish him as a louder character and really just sort of set up his personality from the start. I guess it is a bit of a cliche that a foreign person might slip into an accent when excited, but it's not one I personally mind, so I think the mannerisms are good as they are.
Motivations can always be a bit difficult in modern normal stuff for me personally, so I really like Cameron's. It's sensible and relatable, not to mention flexible, which can be necessary in a story. His flaws are also good. Confrontational, finishes what's started. That sort of attitude could stir up drama aplenty, which is great for story telling, because conflict on all levels is needed. Is there anything more specific you could list for him under prejudices? If he's super confrontational and doesn't like to leave things hanging, does he dislike people who avoid their problems or are passive-aggressive? Does he instantly think poorly of those kinds of people?
I like his unique array of talents lol but I dunno if its established how he feels about his talents/hobbies? He values his free time, but is he proud of the things he can do? This is probably a minor nitpick since he's rather sensibly put together and is listed as a side character, but I'm still curious. I don't have any other major critiques on his personality, I don't really see anything contradicting.
Keep believing in those aliens Cam XD But I like the little description of his politics, it fleshes it out. I think you've done this with other characters where you have something in parenthesis and it sounds like the characters themselves are piping in with a quick line to say, and I honestly really love that. Kinda feels like they're looking over my shoulder when I'm reading their profile lol
Oh I'm actually a bit surprised by the passive-aggressive and manipulative past just because he seems pretty straightforward from his personality/flaws description. I guess the combination of confrontational, hot-headed and no-nonsense attitude doesn't really make me think of someone who uses underhanded tactics like manipulation. It kind of drew me out of his character for a moment, so maybe bring those things up in his flaws/personality sections?
I like the extra details at the end of the profile with the music and clothes and such. Overall, I find him pretty entertaining! He sounds like he would definitely keep me glued to whatever story is happening, but you've got a knack for those sorts of characters ^.^ Good job with him!
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