forum --i'd love to critique some characters! bring me your unfinished lads--

Started March 31, 2020 by @darling-velocipede group

tune

Sure thing, I'll shoot you a pm! ^^

I've got one for ya if you're up for it-
I saw that we can bring in our half finished characters and I kinda got one

Tear him apart for me

hey atlas! i'm not going to go into a full critique like i've done for some others here, because i think you need the opposite– to take some stuff away. the long and short of it is this character is effed up as hell, and has had a heck ton of terrible shit happen to them since forever. this is going to be a painful, grotesque story to read and at points i feel it slips through the bars of horror into just an awful wallow-pit of bad. he's got so much going on that he must be the main character of the story or else it's overwhelming, and even then you aren't going to be able to fit everything with his various alters in.
i understand you're trying to play DID in a meaningful and dimensional way, but honestly? there's plenty of media out there with violent psychopaths with DID, and i don't feel this character is playing that community any service by adding to these stereotypes. there clearly hasn't been a speck of light in this guys life, and that's hella, hella sad and awful. but if you want my full honesty, he's not a good character as he is now. i'm only saying this cause you're clearly a talented writer who can take it, but this is not someone readers will see as real or meaningful in the least. as he is now, he's not a good character. best of luck doll.

–velocipede

fuck
well, at least i have someone to be honest with me-
i'll get working on all this mess man
it wasn't my intention to portray him this way but i do understand how i would giving into the stereotype
mmm thanks dude, this really means a lot ^^

If you could review this character, I would appreciate it. Some of the terminology might be hard to understand without context, so hopefully I will be able to tag what is needed.

I've got one for ya if you're up for it-
I saw that we can bring in our half finished characters and I kinda got one

Tear him apart for me

hey atlas! i'm not going to go into a full critique like i've done for some others here, because i think you need the opposite– to take some stuff away. the long and short of it is this character is effed up as hell, and has had a heck ton of terrible shit happen to them since forever. this is going to be a painful, grotesque story to read and at points i feel it slips through the bars of horror into just an awful wallow-pit of bad. he's got so much going on that he must be the main character of the story or else it's overwhelming, and even then you aren't going to be able to fit everything with his various alters in.
i understand you're trying to play DID in a meaningful and dimensional way, but honestly? there's plenty of media out there with violent psychopaths with DID, and i don't feel this character is playing that community any service by adding to these stereotypes. there clearly hasn't been a speck of light in this guys life, and that's hella, hella sad and awful. but if you want my full honesty, he's not a good character as he is now. i'm only saying this cause you're clearly a talented writer who can take it, but this is not someone readers will see as real or meaningful in the least. as he is now, he's not a good character. best of luck doll.

–velocipede

fuck
well, at least i have someone to be honest with me-
i'll get working on all this mess man
it wasn't my intention to portray him this way but i do understand how i would giving into the stereotype
mmm thanks dude, this really means a lot ^^

please know you've taken this like an absolute –god–. after you've simplified things a bit, added some good stuff, i'd love to see him again!

Hey there! If you’re still taking requests I have a half-baked character at the ready:

Hey! I would love to get some criticism on my oc Levis (there’s a high chance I’ll change the name)! So if you want to here’s the link Levi Collins

I know you've already dawn them for me, but would you ind giving Dakota a lil' critique?Dakota Jaye Royal
:)
Also, I haven't been able to figure out how to get your painting of them onto their gallery, maybe you can help me there as well? xD

as you know from my portrait, i already kind of love dakota and you've clearly put a lot of work into them already! i think they're properly dimensional, with a solid balance of negative and positive traits. the one thing i feel you're missing is their childhood, and a lot of it. why don't they like people? is it something they inherited from their parents, or kind of a mystery? were they alone a lot as a child? there's also the aspect of this character's non-binary-ness. it's so lovely to see an nb adult who's gender is not the summation of their story, but i would love to know a bit more on this matter that you could explore without even disclosing whether they're afab or amab. how young did they know, and how was the process of coming out to their community and parents? did everyone take it well? did they experience dysphoria? a past adds a sense of depth to a character, especially an anti-hero or villain. knowing who someone once was can be just as valid as knowing who they are now when it comes to interpersonal relations among characters. with that sense of past, you could add a couple details to the "trivia" section (the random stuff under social). favorite food– did their parents make things for them as a child? favorite possession– do they have anything from when they were young or have they always been more immaterial? religion– how did their genesis in this field effect their relationship with their parents and community? was it accepted, or were they shut out? could that have impacted how they feel about people today?

another thing that i kind of can't stand in a character is a "don't care about politics" field. (yo @AtlasDefeated, this might be a good thing for you to consider also). i'm a strongly political person myself, so the impact it has on my life might be disproportionate but i don't believe anyone who exists and thinks can be truly apathetic about this. facts are, even if the government doesn't have a direct effect on dakota's way of life, they have opinions. for example, taxes! if dakota doesn't care about people very much, and doesn't feel obligated to help out, they're probably not a big fan of high taxes and would lean more republican in this field. in contrast, they value their freedom and likely would not support a mandatory military draft. what's their connection to the queer community? their great-great-great (i think i counted right idk) grandparents were immigrants, how does this effect their beliefs? choosing not to vote is a serious character flaw. but it's impossible not to have political opinions, because it doesn't break down into what party you wan't to be in control. politics are the rules of how you, and other people, are allowed to exist. there is –nothing– more unreal than a character who doesn't give a fuck about that.

anyway, those are my thoughts love! what i've said actually applies to a weird majority of aspiring writers and the fact that this is all you have to worry about really speaks volumes about the high quality of this character.

cheers, lad!

-velocipede

Sorry to bother, but if you're not too busy, could you take a look at my boy? I haven't got a lot down on him, but I'd like to improve!

Hey @Mellowsauc3! It's no bother at all, don't worry! like you said, you haven't gotten this whole thing filled out yet, but that's no crisis. you've got the bones, and as i'm fond of saying everything else is just meat attached with scotch tape (worth noting: i've never said that before in my life but that's my aesthetic, kid). i'm gonna give you some of the same stuff i gave @megandawnkorain, so please go back and read my critique for them also, as you guys have some shared problems. i'm gonna suggest right off the bat to go through these two lists and try and come up with an answer for every one, even those that won't be directly relevant. write it all down, and translate what you can't into other traits. ((https://i.pinimg.com/originals/2e/41/49/2e41497f1edd5bab5027326c1c320e79.jpg, https://i.pinimg.com/originals/ec/8a/01/ec8a0151567e209f3e79b52eac87e98d.jpg)) aight, with the intro out of the way, i'm gonna go after what you do have. i might be kind of an ass, cause that's how i am, so keep in mind i have every confidence in you as a writer and a person.

–overview–
right off the bat, we need a pronunciation guide for that last name! i've never heard this as a last name before, so i'm not even sure if it's a good one– if this character is in a world similar to ours, they'll be more realistic with an actual last name. however, if you're attached to it, please make a note of how to pronounce it! next, we have gender. we all love our questioning/trans/gender non-conforming characters, but let's have some more specifics instead of male with a lot of question marks. is he a trans guy? is he assigned-male-at-birth but dysphoric and questioning? or is he a gnc dude who enjoys some things often coded as more "feminine"? details, love!

–looks–
specifics. thats all i have to say. choose some gd specifics and, to exactly rephrase what i said to megan, "lets get some nouns-as-modifiers up in this bitch(…)!" describe the mask, too! what kind of mask is this? full face? half face? medical mask? is it store bought or handmade? ceramic or rubber or cloth? does he have a variety of them or does he wear the same one every day? a mask on it's own means nothing to readers, because a mask can look like so many different things. writing is about creating emotion, and to get emotion you need some specifics. give us details!

–nature–
just– specifics. again. come up with some stuff, bc right now there is nothing for me to critique, because this guy is so vague. i do like the flaws you've listed, but the fact that there's simply no positive traits to balance them just makes him annoying. is he intelligent? is he kind? is he good in a crisis? can he cook? give us –something– for this poor lad. use the lists. use your brain. you'll figure something out.

that's all i got, kid. please fill this lad out more, because he has good bones and he deserves it. and please send him in again once you've got more! i'd love to help again. until our next venture, kid.

-velocipede

Okay… So uh.. I think I'm late, but I'm really hoping you could critique my boyo? Invalid Character

hey chloe! you aren't too late at all, dear. i'm still bored, still in quarantine, still glad to help y'all out with your kidz. you've clearly put some thought into this sweet juniper boy, and i don't want to ignore that but- take a deep breath cause i'm gonna be mean- he's not a good character because he lacks any flaws that could make readers take fault with him. even small things like his faults are cloyingly sweet; ex: no one snores in a cute way (on that particular detail, it'll mean more if you don't pretend it's cute. he snores, and it's annoying, but the people who -love- him think it's cute). but more than anything, you need to add one big, inexcusable fatal flaw. it can't be sweet, or clever, or any way beneficial to his character. it has to be irritating, petty, foolish. because that's what makes readers see themselves in him. here is my favorite list of "fatal flaws" for characters: (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FatalFlaw). as you can see, many of these things could be smoothly added to your character without changing the fundamental fabric of the dude. if you want more of my help, i suggest you choose one or two and then get back to me! i would be thrilled to help you integrate them.

with respect and love,
velocipede

Hey Velocipede!
I have this character that I need to fill in a few more things for. I don't have his couple down yet on here but he's in a diff story; here's the link for the beanie.

Thanks!

I'm quite late, but thank-you so much!! I'll make sure to work on their nb and childhood, I didn't even realize I was missing those sections xD There's a lot more detail I'll go into base of this critique! I really appreciate it!

Actually about the politics thing, normally I 100% agree with you, and you reminded me I actually meant to talk about that more in both the politics section and their flaws section. Most of the reason I don't mention it is because it's largely irrelevant to their story, but there is a lot more detail to it I never got around to adding. So thanks for reminding me! xD
But very long story short, Dakota would probably lean Republican under normal circumstances, however by the time they're the age I'm writing the profile for, they do have a serious flaw where they believe themself to be above that. They don't care what the rest of the word decides, because they think it can't touch them, They do what they want, when they want, and how they want. They've been both undefeated and left alone for long enough that they're starting to believe this is just a fact that will never change. Whether or not they're right about that, is something talked about in the later books they show up in, when things start demanding them to care. But at the time of this profile, they don't have a radio, or TV, and spend very little time on the internet, so as another thing I meant to add to their flaws, they're incredibly politically unaware. They've made a little paradise for themself, and the rest of the world will do what it will, according to them. They only care that they're independence isn't tampered with.
Again, this is but a bare bones basics, but I hope it helps clear up the very underdeveloped section as it stands! ^^

sweet! thanks for the help, Oakley! I dunno how to reply to the comment so I'm just writing here so.

I'm quite late, but thank-you so much!! I'll make sure to work on their nb and childhood, I didn't even realize I was missing those sections xD There's a lot more detail I'll go into base of this critique! I really appreciate it!

Actually about the politics thing, normally I 100% agree with you, and you reminded me I actually meant to talk about that more in both the politics section and their flaws section. Most of the reason I don't mention it is because it's largely irrelevant to their story, but there is a lot more detail to it I never got around to adding. So thanks for reminding me! xD
But very long story short, Dakota would probably lean Republican under normal circumstances, however by the time they're the age I'm writing the profile for, they do have a serious flaw where they believe themself to be above that. They don't care what the rest of the word decides, because they think it can't touch them, They do what they want, when they want, and how they want. They've been both undefeated and left alone for long enough that they're starting to believe this is just a fact that will never change. Whether or not they're right about that, is something talked about in the later books they show up in, when things start demanding them to care. But at the time of this profile, they don't have a radio, or TV, and spend very little time on the internet, so as another thing I meant to add to their flaws, they're incredibly politically unaware. They've made a little paradise for themself, and the rest of the world will do what it will, according to them. They only care that they're independence isn't tampered with.
Again, this is but a bare bones basics, but I hope it helps clear up the very underdeveloped section as it stands! ^^

neat, that makes a lot of sense! it's no problem at all to critique, and i honestly really enjoyed it (:

I'm happy it does! ^^ And I'm so glad! :D

Hey Velocipede!
I have this character that I need to fill in a few more things for. I don't have his couple down yet on here but he's in a diff story; here's the link for the beanie.

Thanks!

oh boy hiya drained! the first thing i'm seeing is there isn't much on this lad, so i can't do much of a detailed critique as he is now. the main problem is that he has no real flaws at the moment, and therefor it super single dimensional. i'm actually going to copy/paste in a chunk of critique from my bit for chloe in here for you, because y'all have basically the same problem– a character you have some solid ideas for, but who lacks the most important thing of all: ~flaws~. (copy/paste starts) You need to add one big, inexcusable fatal flaw. it can't be sweet, or clever, or any way beneficial to his character. it has to be irritating, petty, foolish. because that's what makes readers see themselves in him. here is my favorite list of "fatal flaws" for characters: (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FatalFlaw). as you can see, many of these things could be smoothly added to your character without changing the fundamental fabric of the dude. if you want more of my help, i suggest you choose one or two and then get back to me! i would be thrilled to help you integrate them. (copy/paste ends) a few other, random pieces it might be good to clarify include the scar (what does it come from?) and other, more flawed and personal motivations. no one, even the most dedicated and adorable of couples, live solely for each other. in fact, that's not even really a healthy relationship.

that's about all i've got right now, pretty much identical to what i told chloe. ~please~ work on some proper flaws and then get back to me! i'd love to see this kid again

nothing but support,
velocipede

Hey Velocipede!
I have this character that I need to fill in a few more things for. I don't have his couple down yet on here but he's in a diff story; here's the link for the beanie.

Thanks!

oh boy hiya drained! the first thing i'm seeing is there isn't much on this lad, so i can't do much of a detailed critique as he is now. the main problem is that he has no real flaws at the moment, and therefor it super single dimensional. i'm actually going to copy/paste in a chunk of critique from my bit for chloe in here for you, because y'all have basically the same problem– a character you have some solid ideas for, but who lacks the most important thing of all: ~flaws~. (copy/paste starts) You need to add one big, inexcusable fatal flaw. it can't be sweet, or clever, or any way beneficial to his character. it has to be irritating, petty, foolish. because that's what makes readers see themselves in him. here is my favorite list of "fatal flaws" for characters: (https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FatalFlaw). as you can see, many of these things could be smoothly added to your character without changing the fundamental fabric of the dude. if you want more of my help, i suggest you choose one or two and then get back to me! i would be thrilled to help you integrate them. (copy/paste ends) a few other, random pieces it might be good to clarify include the scar (what does it come from?) and other, more flawed and personal motivations. no one, even the most dedicated and adorable of couples, live solely for each other. in fact, that's not even really a healthy relationship.

that's about all i've got right now, pretty much identical to what i told chloe. ~please~ work on some proper flaws and then get back to me! i'd love to see this kid again

nothing but support,
velocipede

Thanks! I started sometime mid-year last year, so it's been a while. I only have one other character, and I finally realize I should do some research on certain topics to develop characters. I literally just jotted down what I had, and your right; he does seem kinda flat. Thanks for the help with this! I'll send him back later, along with Rheya, when she's done.

It might be awhile… I had everything typed out and now it's all gone so … This is aggravating…

This is a character sheet for a fairly ridiculous sci-fi roleplay that I plan into turning into an actual character

Name: Casio Kosteck

Age: 23 years old

Sexuality: Straight

Hair color/length/style: He has under-cut chin length, curly golden blond hair, dip-dyed half way with shades of lilac.

Eye color: Large brown eyes

Height: 5' 9"

Skin tone: Pale white

Build: He has toned arms and small hands, a lean torso, and muscular legs.

Scars/Identifying marks: His whole body is a canvas for a plethora of weapon and tribal tattoos.

Usual clothing: He usually wears simple, form-fitting spacesuits with multiple holsters for his various weapons. The only breach in his tactical wear is a gold bracelet that was given to him by Nikola.

Backstory: Born on the planet that was once Earth, he watched from the shadows of a major city as the world literally crumbled to pieces. Some crazed scientist decided it would be a good idea to shoot an atomic bomb into the molten core, and the result set a cataclysmic chain of events that turned the planet into a solar-system wide puzzle. He boarded the last emergency transport without his mother, who had been crushed by a falling building only the day before. He quickly bonded with another orphaned child, Nikola Kupiec, during the full year that they were drifting through empty space. Sadly, they were separated when the ship landed on the moon Titan, each giving each other one thing to remember each other. Casio gave Nikola a dog-tag chain with his name sloppily carved into it and she gave him a gold bracelet in return. He still wears it to this day.

Personality: Casio's past has turned the young man into a blunt, insensitive individual. He had enough sarcasm to fill an entire room with and is always willing to take any challenge that is thrown his way. While not the traditional type of intelligent, his knowledge of open space piloting, species, and various weapons has kept him alive throughout all of his years as a wanderer. Cranky as they come, he is never afraid to speak exactly what he's thinking of and will always give a completely honest answer to any question.

Other: His southern Earth accent often gets a lot of looks, since it is assumed that everyone that was on that planet is dead.

I've got one for ya if you're up for it-
I saw that we can bring in our half finished characters and I kinda got one

Tear him apart for me

hey atlas! i'm not going to go into a full critique like i've done for some others here, because i think you need the opposite– to take some stuff away. the long and short of it is this character is effed up as hell, and has had a heck ton of terrible shit happen to them since forever. this is going to be a painful, grotesque story to read and at points i feel it slips through the bars of horror into just an awful wallow-pit of bad. he's got so much going on that he must be the main character of the story or else it's overwhelming, and even then you aren't going to be able to fit everything with his various alters in.
i understand you're trying to play DID in a meaningful and dimensional way, but honestly? there's plenty of media out there with violent psychopaths with DID, and i don't feel this character is playing that community any service by adding to these stereotypes. there clearly hasn't been a speck of light in this guys life, and that's hella, hella sad and awful. but if you want my full honesty, he's not a good character as he is now. i'm only saying this cause you're clearly a talented writer who can take it, but this is not someone readers will see as real or meaningful in the least. as he is now, he's not a good character. best of luck doll.

–velocipede

fuck
well, at least i have someone to be honest with me-
i'll get working on all this mess man
it wasn't my intention to portray him this way but i do understand how i would giving into the stereotype
mmm thanks dude, this really means a lot ^^

please know you've taken this like an absolute –god–. after you've simplified things a bit, added some good stuff, i'd love to see him again!

ahahaHA- dude i went back and looked on it and for a second there i was like "who tf made this character?"- was kinda disappointed in myself then i remembered i made this on a night where i was feeling down and had gotten no sleep- so i was being super edgy-
anyways yeah- i changed him up a lot and i intend to add more stuff and see if it doesn't conflict with the other stuffs i got down

also, about the politics thing- most of the time i usually don't know what put there because im not really into politics myself, but i guess i better start doing some research -
also, thanks, really, you really helped me clean up my boi there

I've got one for ya if you're up for it-
I saw that we can bring in our half finished characters and I kinda got one

Tear him apart for me

hey atlas! i'm not going to go into a full critique like i've done for some others here, because i think you need the opposite– to take some stuff away. the long and short of it is this character is effed up as hell, and has had a heck ton of terrible shit happen to them since forever. this is going to be a painful, grotesque story to read and at points i feel it slips through the bars of horror into just an awful wallow-pit of bad. he's got so much going on that he must be the main character of the story or else it's overwhelming, and even then you aren't going to be able to fit everything with his various alters in.
i understand you're trying to play DID in a meaningful and dimensional way, but honestly? there's plenty of media out there with violent psychopaths with DID, and i don't feel this character is playing that community any service by adding to these stereotypes. there clearly hasn't been a speck of light in this guys life, and that's hella, hella sad and awful. but if you want my full honesty, he's not a good character as he is now. i'm only saying this cause you're clearly a talented writer who can take it, but this is not someone readers will see as real or meaningful in the least. as he is now, he's not a good character. best of luck doll.

–velocipede

fuck
well, at least i have someone to be honest with me-
i'll get working on all this mess man
it wasn't my intention to portray him this way but i do understand how i would giving into the stereotype
mmm thanks dude, this really means a lot ^^

please know you've taken this like an absolute –god–. after you've simplified things a bit, added some good stuff, i'd love to see him again!

ahahaHA- dude i went back and looked on it and for a second there i was like "who tf made this character?"- was kinda disappointed in myself then i remembered i made this on a night where i was feeling down and had gotten no sleep- so i was being super edgy-
anyways yeah- i changed him up a lot and i intend to add more stuff and see if it doesn't conflict with the other stuffs i got down

also, about the politics thing- most of the time i usually don't know what put there because im not really into politics myself, but i guess i better start doing some research -
also, thanks, really, you really helped me clean up my boi there

i'm so glad i could help! <3

Hi!! If you’re still doing these i’d love if you could look at Stella? I just figured out her history and backstory so opinions on that would be great!! Thanks!! :))