forum Character Critique Doctor

Started May 28, 2018 by @AmmyPajammy

tune

Hello everyone! I decided that I will throw my hat into the ring and try my hand at character critique! I will critique your character sheets and try my absolute best to help them become the best characters they can be by offering an in-depth analysis, as well as questions that will challenge you to think about what exactly you would like your characters to become.

The deal is simple: submit your links (to ensure that I get to your character in a timely manner, please make sure that the privacy setting is set to 'public'), as well as a very short blurb describing the story that the character is in. In the interest of fairness to others, only submit one character at a time, please.

I'm just letting you know that I will not pull punches. I won't be mean, but if I see something that's bad or doesn't make sense, I will tell you. But don't worry, I don't believe in being cruel to be kind, and I will tell you about the things that I think you did right as well.

Also, please submit character sheets that have been reasonably filled out. I can't help you if there's nothing there to fix.

The doctor is in!

Would love for someone to critique her because I haven't had anyone's opinion on her yet. Would appreciate it if you could check her out :)

My character Evita, she's a young girl that gets turned into a vampire against her will. She goes out to try and punish the people who turned her and hates what she has become but realizes that she can't discriminate against the vampires because of something one of their kind did. She ends up having a lot of personal struggles as she adjusts to her new life. This character sheet is how she is before she gets turned so a lot of the personal beliefs and such will be changing throughout my story.

JASON: Invalid Character
BLURB: Jason is framed for a crime that he didn't commit. To clear his name he must battle not only those against him, but himself as well. What does his enemy want? Revenge, or something else? Will his nemisis get away with it, or will Jason be able to clear his name, and rebuild his ruined life?

LEVI: Levi Darker
BLURB: Levi Darker is a new art and literature teacher at Winchester High. Set in the future -exactly 18 years from 2013 in a small town in Michigan- technology has advanced, and the old government of the United States of America has been eradicated and rebuilt. When a horrifying string of murders begins, Levi takes it upon himself to stop the murderer before all of his students are killed. Will he be able to save them in time, or will the killer get away with everything?

LUX: Lux Tenebris
BLURB: This is still in the planning stages, but my co-writer and I do have somewhat of an idea for the story. It's gonna be a fantasy peice, involving the usual fantasy tropes and war.

WILLIAM: https://www.notebook.ai/plan/characters/384845#
BLURB: A human summons a demon, and sells his soul so that the demon may act not only as the man's son but hitman as well. Along the way William, and his coworkers face off against gangs, hunters, deities, and secret government organiztions. Will they kill all who get in their way? Who will survive?

Ok, Madison, let's break Evita down:

Looks

Pretty solid, I'd say. I know that it's difficult to describe a character through text and that nuances don't always shine through, but I like that you gave her some unique characteristics such as her bigger lower lip. I will say, however, that since she is an indigenous Canadian, a.k.a. an ethnic group that is not commonly written about in such a setting, I would advise that unless you yourself are Indigenous, please take great care to make sure that you haven't made her looks stereotypical. Her being olive-toned/tan is a popular way to describe native people, but their skin tones are much more diverse and in many cases are pale because of colonization. If you yourself are indigenous, this doesn't apply to you of course, but if you're not, be careful and do as much research as possible to make sure that you're not just describing what you think Evita should look like versus what she would most likely look like. It would also help if you specify which tribe/group of she belongs to. Is she Inuit? Cree? Yupik? Algonquin? Be specific.

Nature

Right off the bat, I'll say that you can stand to be way more specific. Making a list of traits is good at first, but the more in-depth you can go beyond single words, the better understanding you and your readers will have of the character. That being said, your mannerisms aren't mannerisms, they're personality traits. Don't feel bad; I too made this mistake when I first started out and I have to go back and fix it, but it needs to be said here. mannerisms are more like things that the character does that sets her apart from the people around her. For example, one of my characters talks quicker when she's lying. Another character looks at people deep in their eyes when she lies because she believes that it'll help sell the lie and prevent her from looking away nervously. These two characters have different mannerisms, and you would know exactly how each would react when thrown into a situation where they would be required to lie. Little things like that can help your character seem more like a real person, as well as color the interactions that she has with other characters.

Your motivations are pretty vague. I can kinda see the point of what you were going with, but I still have to ask: why? Why is she so competitive and what kinds of competition gets her going? Is she super competitive to the point where she feels like she has to win everything all the time ever? Or is it a specific thing that triggers her competitive nature? You say she's motived by animal cruelty, but in what way? I'm going to assume that she despises it based on other things about her character, but what exactly does that mean? What does she do about it? How does she react when it's mention or when she witnesses it? Since you put it down as a motivation, does that mean she's an animal rights activist that actively tries to speak out or act against it? If not, I would probably not list it as a motivation. Same with feminism; is she some kind of activist? Does she set out to make the fact that she's a vampire more feminist somehow? It sounds silly, but that's why you should be more clear so that there's no room for others to guess.

Her flaws are pretty good in theory, but think about what exactly she has trust issues about and how that may hamper her throughout the course of her story. You say she's social, but how does that work with her trust issues? Is she only social superficially, as in, she'll hang out with a hundred people all day every day, but will not allow anyone to get close to her? By no filter, does this mean that she's one of those "brutally honest" types? Or does she just fly off with curses in inappropriate settings? I see that you do say that she curses, but are you saying that the cursing itself is inherently a flaw? If so, why? If not, do you mean she curses too much? Be specific.

She hates vampires; got it. That's a prejudice that makes sense for her character, assuming she regrets being turned. If that's the case, I think you should indicate that.

Nothing to say about her talents. That's a bit too subjective for me. It's good as long as you utilize her talents properly in the story. Same with hobbies, though I will say that I'm not clear what you mean by history/socials.

For her personality, after you factor in all the traits that you gave her in the Mannerisms section, I still wonder why others would want to hang around her. You say she's sociable, which partially explains it, but how? How does she socialize? is she really fun to be around, and if so, how? Is she funny? Is she really sweet? Will she give you the shirt off her back? This section needs vast improvement, otherwise, she'd just be pretty generic. It's especially important to explain this because people generally don't like to be around people that are "preachy", and you describe Evita as someone who will call out injustice whenever they see it, so how does she compensate people for that?

Social

No complaints. It all makes sense for what kind of character I think you're trying to make, although I will say that for her politics, you might wanna put "anti-racism" instead to avoid confusion.

History

This whole section needs to be revamped. For her background, where does she come from? Who is her family? Where does she live? What college does she go to? What are some major events that have shaped who she is today? Talk about the vampire stuff. How'd that happen? How does she feel about it and what is she gonna do with her newfound powers? These are just some of the things you should consider putting in the background section. Treat it like a mini-biography.

I hope this helped Evita out. Here's a black band-aid with an olive silhoutte of a kitty on it <3

Lukas: Lukas Jay Payge
Finds out he has a brother who lives with his father and actually rules another city. Him, his girlfriend, brother and his brother's love interest (although they aren't official yet) go on a quest to save the city they live in and beat his father. There are many challenges along the way and sometimes they think they're beaten, but they always come up with a new plan.

I should've mentioned this earlier, but only submit one character at a time. @Syguy20132 you can resubmit afterward, but please only one at a time so that I can get to other people in a timely fashion.

I should've mentioned this earlier, but only submit one character at a time. @Syguy20132 you can resubmit afterward, but please only one at a time so that I can get to other people in a timely fashion.

Okie dokie! You can start with Jason, then. :-)

oh wow that was super helpful thanks, this was the first draft of moving all the info on my character from my google drive to my notebook, so in this i just tried to summarise everything that I had on her. I understand what you mean for her looks making sure that i am not racially profiling her, both of my sisters are indigenous and one of my sisters looks like my character(which is where i have been taking Evita's traits from) while the other has red hair and pale skin. I will take care to be more specific about her background because I do have much more information about that in other documents. I understand the risks of creating a character from a different ethnic group when I myself arent the same one as her.
And i must have completely misunderstood what mannerisms were so i will definitely have to go back and fix that, and will definitely take the suggestion to not describe everything with only one word.
I will definitely go back over Evita and apply all the suggestions you gave me, and hopefully improve my writing skills by going in depth with my characters. Being the only writer in my family and friend group it is hard to get good feedback so I really appreciated this thank you.

This is my (quite new) character Cass. She's a Fae Slayer cursed with eternal life. In her world, Slayers take out Unseelie Fae who come into the human realm, and also police the Seelie and Solitary Fae, ensuring they behave. There's lots of magic and stuff that I'm still developing.

RubyJane, let's take a look at Lukas:

Before I do the breakdown, I wanted to get some general things out of the way. Lukas really seems like a sweet, kind guy that wants to do good in the world and prove that he's not like his father. I looked at him for a long time and talked him over with my partner, and we both projected a lot of traits onto him hat we personally feel would make him better, which I will explain and try to justify in the breakdown below. But I will say is that he comes off as a good but generic hero type, which is perfectly fine if you do one of three things: a) have every other character around him be interesting, like his girlfriend, for example, b) have generic characters but an interesting story, or c) have a very strong and omnipresent villain that constantly forces the characters to learn and grow. Keep this in mind going forward:

Looks

Already I see that Lukas is a big dude, almost like he's built like a bodybuilder. If that's what you were going for, then great! You nailed it. If not, then you might wanna adjust his weight. I was confused about his eye color. Why are they rainbow-colored? Is that something that's inherent to his race? Also, what exactly do you mean when you say "rainbow"? Do you literally mean rainbow as in Roy G. Biv, gay pride flag, God's promise to all mankind after the flood? Or just multi-colored in a different fashion, and if so, what colors specifically can be found in his eyes? Other than that, I have no problems picturing him.

Nature

From his mannerisms, I can tell that he's a big sweetheart, so I think you nailed that. My main issue is how he mimics his brother when he's angry. What exactly does that mean, and most importantly, why does he do that?

But now we get into the meat and potatoes of this critique: his motivations/flaws. You are so close to making him believable! His motive to be a hero and to prove that he's not like his father makes perfect sense from what you described him to be, but I have so many questions. I understand why he wants to separate himself from his father, but I still have to ask, why? Do other people know that he is the son of (what I presume is) an evil tyrant? If not, does he just want to prove this to himself? His family seems like they love him very much and there's no troubled home life in sight other than an overbearing mother, so why is proving himself such a big deal to him? Just from what you wrote, I don't believe that his mother believes that he'll end up like him, so what's the deal? What exactly and to whom exactly is he trying to prove? In that vain, some of his flaws contradict his motivations. He wants to be a good hero, but he saves people too much? What exactly does that mean? This can be a flaw, don't get me wrong, but all too often, writers fail to go far enough to give the hero consequences that match this flaw. What I mean is, so he likes to save people too much. Ok, fine. But how is that a bad thing in the context of the story? Does he get badly hurt and put his team in jeopardy for the sake of saving others? Is he just plain terrible at it? My partner and I headcanoned that Lukas wants so badly to do good, but he sucks at it. I know that this flies in the face of what you wrote, but you might wanna consider it; just a thought! Because other than that, I don't see how his flaws really affect him as a character. So he's afraid of heights. Ok, so what? Will he refuse to help someone if they're too high up?He's afraid of falling and that affects his performance in battle; how? What kind of falling is he afraid of, falling on his face or falling from a great height? You mentioned that he wants to make up for a past humiliation; did it involve his fear of heights or falling in any way? That's something I would indicate somewhere, or think about moving forward. I did see that you did mention that he gets so wrapped up in trying to save people that he ends up getting hurt, which is perfectly fine, but my original point still stands: take care to give him actual consequences for this in the story, because otherwise he'll end up with a few booboos but will ultimately always be right, and that will not help him to grow as a character. Flaws are ultimately there not just to make a character less OP, but to give them things to work on in the story so that he becomes a better character by the end. Being overly heroic is fine and all, but if he's vindicated in the story every single time he does it, then it ultimately won't matter, so please keep that in mind.

I'm gonna assume that the Outsiders are an important group in the story and Lukas has a good reason to hate/be mistrustful of them, but it would be helpful if you specified this somewhere.

I'm not gonna lie, I have a real soft spot for older brother/sister characters who adore and play with their multitude of cute younger siblings, especially when it's a big brother and little sisters, so this gets points from me. I have an older brother character who has seven (7) little sisters, so you can easily see that I just really love that trope. It's more than obvious that he's just a big softy who has a great capacity for love, and that's great. However, I would make sure that you know exactly how his character is gonna develop going forward because he already seems like the perfect guy. What hardships does he face and how do they change him? Does he become a more cynical character? or does his love get reaffirmed after it's almost forced out of him by conflict? Whichever you decide, just be sure that you stick with it through the end, otherwise he'll just remain a generic good guy.

Also, with his talents, what exactly do you mean by teaching? Is he good at teaching people how to fight? Is he good at explaining things to people? Be more specific.

I hope all of this is relevant to Lukas, because I had all of this in mind before I saw in your custom field that most of his character is just an act. That threw me for such a loop that I almost quit, so I really hope that you're not implying that his character is literally false. I assumed that you meant that he pretends to be more cheerful than he actually is due to some insecurities, but because I'm not sure, that is something that you really need to explain. This is something that would be explained if other people knew who his father was and Lukas, like many big and tall people, is trying to downplay himself and make himself seem more personable so that he doesn't get picked on/discriminated against, but this is just a personal headcanon. You need to explain what's really going on.

Social

I saw of this talk about the Academy (and I did read Camie's note about it), but I am curious as to what exactly it's for and why they train children to fight. What are possible careers for people who get pushed through the Academy? Did Lukas have any aspirations before he set out on his quest to defeat his father? Was there nothing that he did in between the academy, his quest, and marrying the princess?

His favorite color being the same shade of green as his girlfriend's eyes seems so him, so good job on that.

So many calories! It makes perfect sense that a big, highly active dude like him would like foods that are very caloric, but sis, the carbs! He needs some protein in his diet, stat! In case you didn't know, protein is a major building block in building and maintaining musculature, so it's something to keep in mind.

…his favorite weapon is a switchblade? This part baffled me the most! How does that work when he's a swordsman? Switchblades aren't even comparable to swords; is this why he's so bad at saving people? I'm pretty sure that's not what you were going for, so you might wanna give him a proper sword, or at least have a very good explanation for why a swordsman prefers fighting with a knife. If it's just a memento and he doesn't actually fight with it, that's really something you should state.

History

What's a normal level of education in your world? Is it the three R's? Is there some science or art involved? Is there some kind of public education before kids get hauled off to the Academy? Or are they taught by parents? That something you might wanna specify.

His background is pretty standard; it doesn't really explain much. How did he meet his long lost twin? How did he leave the Academy when you state elsewhere that students aren't allowed to leave until they're 18? How did his twin prove his identity? Also, he was spoiled, but his mother was overprotective of him? How exactly does that work?

Misc

In your custom fields, you state that Lukas is the 2nd best fighter in the Academy. is that 2nd best of his class? His generation? Of all time? And if that's the case, why is it such a problem that he likes to save everyone? With his skills, he should be able to do it all with no issue! Once again, I think you should really ask yourself how this character is supposed to work, because his flaws are slowly getting erased and/or negated by his skills. My partner and I headcanoned that he's a staunch pacifist who can fight, but doesn't like to hurt people, as well as the fact that he's hiding being related to his asshole dad. He wants to help people, but won't fight to his fullest unless in self-defense/defense of another person. His teammates are annoyed with him because in every fight that they get into, he doesn't pull his weight. He's always putting them in harms way because he's trying to save others first before looking after his team, and they always only get away by the skin of their teeth. This would force him to grow as a result, or lose the respect of those around him. Like I said, just a suggestion, but I can really seem him as that kind of character (like Aang from Avatar the Last Airbender, almost).

If he's a fighter who's questing, why does he wear such light clothing? No armor? Not even some pants and a proper shirt? I'd really think a little harder about this one if I were you.

Also, if he's a big strong guy, how can he be both a brute strength fighter and a speed fighter? People who are this big aren't usually built for speed and are most definitely never both. It makes him seem overpowered, which again flies in the face of his supposed flaws.

So yeah, that's my take on Lukas. I hope you understand that I criticized him so much out of love; I really enjoyed overthinking about this character a lot! Have a green sticker with a little horsie on it; I'm sure one of his sisters would love it ❤️️

@Syguy20132 I read your blurb like a hardboiled narrator for a crime drama; I hope that's what you were going for!

First impression of him is that he comes off as a bit of an edgelord, which if you've spent any kind of time on the internet in the last 2 years, you would know isn't really a good thing. I understand that he's an anti-hero, but I hope that he doesn't turn into one of those protagonists that are really unlikeable, but readers are told to like them anyway. But that's why I'm here; to make sure that doesn't happen!

Let's get down to brass tacks and break Jason down:

Before I get into it, does anyone really refer to him as "Jason the Silent"? That seems kinda hokey to me. If they do, then fine, I guess, but I don't think it fits with this super serious story that you seem to be trying for.

Looks

No real complaints, though if you describe him as thin and slightly muscular, I just wondered how thin? If he's 158 pounds, he wouldn't necessarily be overweight since his height offsets it somewhat, but 5'11" isn't that tall. But ultimately, it doesn't really matter because who really cares about weight in a story? I've never figured out how one would work that into a story in a relevant fashion anyway.

Nature

Not gonna lie, his mannerisms are pretty cliche for his type of character. I can understand having one of those, but all of them? If I were you, I keep the nervous laughter, because I think that does lend well to his character, and one other of these, then make up something else that's not so cliche for his character type. How about nail-biting? It's really hard to be edgy when you're always chewing on your nails in front of other people and would help readers to understand that his tough guy persona hides a scared kid who's desperate to clear his name and live a normal life.

Solid motivation that makes sense for the story; if I were framed for a murder, that'd be the only thing I really cared about, too.

His flaws are cliche for his character type, but in a well-written story, they could work. Maybe you can emphasize the rough time that he had growing up and that he's like this because he believes it protects him from harm, whether physical or emotional. However, there's a fine line you gotta skate between him being a sympathetic kid who's been hurt, and a douche who just likes to take his pain out on other people, so take care not to sway too far to the latter side.

His prejudice makes sense for a kid who's been in and out of juvie, but I noticed that you made him have quite a few adult friends. It seems rather contradictory, especially since one of his friends is a cop. I know kids like this, and unless this particular cop was especially kind to him and/or helped him clear his name, a kid like this wouldn't trust any cop. On that note, he's also friends with what I presume is a teacher, as well as the priest who I'm gonna assume is from the church that he accidentally set on fire? I know I talked a lot about cliches and trying to avoid them, but this doesn't make sense for the kind of character he is. One of these would work just fine, and if I had to pick the most interesting one, I'd say the priest, although that's a cliche in itself. I'll admit that this is more subjective, but I really think that him having all of these adult friends that are in positions of authority over him flies in the face of his supposed prejudice against adults.

For his talents/hobbies, what does he like to draw and/or write about? How good at it is he? For his singing, that's an interesting talent for his character. Is he a good singer? Does he have the voice of an angel? Or is he terrible? Why does he not like to sing in front of others unless he's comfortable? Does he think it makes him look weak?

So he seems like he's a bad dude with a heart of gold. Cliched, but like I said earlier, can work in a good story, and is almost necessary if you want people to sympathize with him. But how well does he treat his friends? How hard is it to become his friend? Do his friends think that he did the crime? or are they loyal to him? How does he treat people who aren't his friends, but aren't;t his enemies? Does he like scaring his friends? Do his friends know that he has powers? How bad is his temper?

Social

He's got a listed religion, so how religious is he, and how much does it inform his character?

You stated that he's in and out of juvie, so how does that affect his school life? Does he even go to a regular high school? Has he ever been expelled? Did he graduate on time, and if so, how did he manage that?

He doesn't have a favorite color at all? Why not? I'll admit, it probably wouldn't be plot relevant, but it can go a long way to giving Jason some depth.

I like that he hates pickles put likes cucumbers. It reminds me of how I love grapes but HATE [REDACTED] RAISINS!

No favorite possessions? That can't be right. There must be something in this world that he holds dear to him, even if it's frivolous. It helps with character depth.

No weapon is fine since he's pyrotechnic.

What kind of animals does he like since it's clearly not all kinds? Is he a cats and dogs kinda person? And why does he like animals so much? I'm gonna take a wild guess and assume it's because they're "less complicated than people".

History

His history is intriguing and appropriately tragic, though I think you can stand to add a bit more detail. As far as why there are psychics in the world, that doesn't necessarily have to be explained, but you should explain what the events leading up to him roasting his own brother alive were. You can also explain the plot a tiny bit in his background: why exactly would someone wanna frame him for murder? Convenience? Does he know the person who did it?

Misc

I like that you explain how his powers work, but I think you can go into a bit more detail about this. Which emotions fuel his fire? Anger? Sadness? Anxiety? Also, I have to ask: what kinda of world is this where no one recognizes that there are people with literal powers? Why do they keep it a secret? How has Jason been able to keep it a secret if he can't control his powers and keep burning things down?

All in all, Jason can use a little bit of work, but I recognize that he's mainly an archetype, almost like a comic book character. The best thing to do for a character like this is to throw him into a really good story. I wish you success, and here's a ice pack for your hot-tempered boy ❤️️

@lonnielei I'm confused about the kind of story that you're writing and exactly what you wanted me to do with your "character" because when I decided to look up his first name, I saw that he's actually a real person. Are you writing some kind of WW2 historical fiction? If so, that's fine, but I can't really critique a character that's a real person unless you fundamentally changed who he was.

In hindsight, I now understand what you mean by saying he's the equivalent of Aaron Burr from Hamilton, but I'll be 100% real with you: I don't like what Hamilton is, and I especially don't like revisionist historical fiction, especially those written about people who committed real crimes that still effect people to this day.

@WriterK1018 Finally getting around to your character! You guys put me through the ringer today 😩

Nevertheless, let's get to it for Cassandra:

Immediately, I already like this character because I too have an immortal character who's lived too long but holds on because she wants to do the right thing.

Looks

This has nothing to do with you, but you and everyone else here described their white character's skin tone as "tanned". Not to be stereotypical, but if your character's a redhead, they usually are pale and don't tan well. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but I just thought that was pretty interesting that no one wants their character to be pale or the usual peach color.

Moving on, I see that your character is described as hourglass/pear-shaped. Those are two different body types, so you really outta pick one because it'll be the difference between her top and bottom being even, or her being bottom-heavy. Also, you describe her a muscular, so that means that, coupled with her height and weight, she's extremely musclebound and strong. I hope that's what you were going for.

What's the mark on her shoulder? Is it a scar? A magical marking? You should state this and describe what it looks like. Also, how'd she get the scar on her abdomen?

Nature

I see you skipped mannerisms all together and just went straight into her personality, or at least that's what I'm gonna assume you did. You really ought to include something that she does that makes her stand out from the crowd and is uniquely her. For example, I sometimes start rolling my eyes up to the back of my head when I get tired. It's some kinda eye twitch that I have that no one has even been able to explain, but it sets me apart from other people. You get it? As far as her personality, it needs to be expanded. You say that she's proper, but what exactly does that mean? Is she prim/snobbish? Is she very respectful of authority? Polite? You also say that she's "cool-natured", but only when speaking to fae folk. Do you mean that she's cold to fae folk? If so, why? And how is she to non-fae? Her tense look, is she just a naturally tense person? If so, why? What makes her relax if she ever does?

Her motivation is too vague. She wants to protect people from what? And why? I supposed you can say from the fae folk since she kills them and all, but why? What made her decide to take up fae slaying? Sure she was born into it, but there's gotta be a reason she stuck with it. Revenge, maybe? You did say that her parents were killed in action. Also, how does she reconcile being part-fae with the fact that she slaughters them wholesale?

In her flaws, you said that she's greedy. What is she greedy about? Money? Food? And why is she that way? What consequences arise from her greed? Also, being distrusting but also easily attached to others is a contradiction. I won't say it's impossible to pull off, but you would really have to explain how this works. Unless you're talking about objects, but you would still have to specify this.

Why is she prejudiced against these particular fae folk? You say she eventually grows out of it, so does that mean she stops killing fae in the future? Why are the Unseelie so untrustworthy, and if they are, why would she bother to slowly begin to lose her prejudice against them?

Talents make sense for the character as a magical being, although I would like to know what Blessings are. I'm gonna assume it's a type of magic, but you might wanna specify that.

Her hobbies are ok, but why does she like to attend these parties? Is she a social butterfly or general party girl? That doesn't seem likely because you describe her as cold and tense, so you might wanna revamp her personality a little bit.

Social

She's a Christian? In this political climate? But seriously, how does she, or anyone in this world, reconcile their Christianity with the fact that there are magical creatures running around? Do Christians of this universe view these creatures as inherently sinful and therefore should be destroyed? You might not have thought about that much, but I think that if you're gonna include her religion, you should explore what it means to her character in this setting and how it works here. It's too interesting a concept to ignore.

You specified that she's a freelance slayer; does that mean that steady, sponsored slayer work exists? If so, why did she decide to freelance instead? Are there any benefits to freelancing versus sponsored? And if sponsored does exist, who's sponsoring it? The government? A slayer guild, perhaps?

No complaints until I saw the friend's violin. Does she play it? Who did it belong to and why is it important to her? Is it burdensome to carry a violin with her everywhere, or does she leave it at home?

What kind of sword does she have? What does it look like? Is it enchanted?

And I, too, like cats.

History

Is her birthday vague on purpose?

Where was Cassandra educated and/or who educated her? What kind of history did she learn? What did she teach herself to do over those 100 years? What exactly does she know?

Her background does a pretty good job of explaining some events that happen to her in the story, but I will say that I'm slightly confused about her interactions with the wizard girl. You say that they got along in spite of her being a wizard, so is Cassandra prejudiced against wizards? You also talked about them falling in love with the twins; did they fall for the same twin? Or did only the twin that she liked die? I think a small edit would clear up that confusion. Also, were you implying that Cassandra is suicidal when she was being so reckless against her enemies? Or does her immortality make her invulnerable to all harm, so she doesn't have to care anymore? Or both?

All in all, Cass can use some work, but there's some potential. The story itself seems pretty interesting, so I hope you take her and make something great! Here's a lollipop; hopefully it'll help her appreciate the sweeter things in life ❤️️

Would you mind, critique another character? I worked hard on her and i still need a view more opinions if something is still missing: Osiria Rosewell
So her role is hard to describe, but she will be important for the process of the story, because of her secret.. yeah something like that.

@AmmyPajammy
Oh my goodness, thank you so much for spending so much time on my character. I will try to do your time justice and clear up/change as much as I can(in order probably) but the biggest one, I feel like should be immediately cleared up is that no Lukas isn't fake at all. But he always tries to be a calm/happy person in front of others. He isn't going to let others know that he's insecure/worried/upset. Yes, the headcanon you suggested I really like and will use the general idea of it. I hope that makes sense. From now on, I'll go in order
For him being a generic hero, I really want that to change. I'm just trying to figure out how and I really think this critique helped so so much.
I will tone his weight down a bit, I want him to be a bigger dude but not by a huge amount.
His eyes are a mixed rainbow. (in my world that I created it's a normal thing to have strange and different colored eyes)
Mimicking his brother might be better phrased as "does the same as his brother" they do the same because some siblings have some of the same traits. Although it's worth pointing out that Lukas rarely acts on his anger, so seeing his side of him is a very interesting occurrence since he is normally more angry in his head. When they get angry it's very hard to calm them down and they will want to fight whoever did it to them.
He wants to because he knows he had another father, other than his stepfather, whom he knew left his mom. He felt guilty for that because he loved his mom and didn't want her to think of him the same way she thought of his father. They do know they're related at the end of the first book with him in it. He's trying to prove himself to himself honestly, he thinks it's for his mother, but it's really for himself.
His main issue with saving people is that he doesn't know when to quit. He will try to save other people whom could'be saved themselves and that it in the story it really does put his team in danger.
His fears of failing will make him reckless and more prone to make dangerous decisions.
Yes, I think it did.
I want to give him those, any suggestions of realistic consequences? I have one instance in my story that the four main characters think they're about to get caught so Lukas runs and distracts the guards, leading them away from them but ultimately he gets caught and pretty much tortured. But his fight was in vain because his friends end up getting caught too. Is that what you might be talking about?
Yes, the outsiders are important and he does and I will specify.
It makes me happy too, this was a newer idea but I needed to give him a life before the story, and a reason for him being ok with girls.
HIs character arc goes like this: (that might explain what I'm planning to do with him)
Seemingly perfect
oh wait, he actually isn't perfect, he just hides some of it
gets captured, changed, really mistrusting and quietly scared
gets better
becomes a much better person, similar to the beginning.
The academy is a very long story. He did other things, but I haven't developed that as much, but I will.
Thanks about his fav color.
He will eat other things then carbs, but that's his favorite. He does know though that he has to eat other things to keep him healthy.
He has a sword, but he can't always carry that around. It's more of him just liking having a weapon on at all times.
Meeting his brother is part of the series, but basically, his brother found him. You can be spoiled but still have overprotective parents. But also his stepfather would talk to his mom and help him to do some of the things he wanted but his mom initially said no to.
I am changing that about him being 2nd best. It's to op. But yes, he doesn't like to fight much either. He does it out of necessity. I really like the headcanon and I will be using it, thank you.
He will wear different things when he is fighting, but I really was talking about whenever he got to choose it, like just on a relaxed day.
I'm changing his fighting thing, it was too op.
Thank you again so much all of your time in helping Lukas. I hope some of this made sense. (he loved the sticker, well he gave it to Eva, so she loved it)

Wow, your critiques are so in-depth! Please critique one of my children??
Evera: Evera Kyŏng-Bennett

@Clinquant I briefly looked over your character, and I see that my usual template won't work. She seems interesting, but before I can properly help you, I'm gonna need you to describe your story at least a little bit, especially since your character is not attached to a universe. If you're worried about spoilers, you can do it in your character notes, or even in my inbox. As I was reading through, I noticed that you put a lot of work into your custom categories, but there's a lot of German in them. I don't speak German, so you need to tell me the relevance of it, and translate some of the things you didn't translate. I'm very interested in Osiria (at first I thought she was some kind of android), so I hope you help me to help you!

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime Same to you, I need you to write a blurb describing your story/your character's role in the story before I can help. Doctor's can't help without a medical history, after all!

@AmmyPajammy okay i am giving my best: so the story is about a new project for synthetic voices and Osiria is one of the five members. Lucius, Somi, Mana and Will are the other members, Anthony is the leader of this project. The main Character is Somi but i don't want to show her to others. Well, there isn't an seperate universe for my story, it's the same world we live in so there won't be any magic.
Now the translation:
Sonstiges - others
Ängste - fears
Verhaltensweise/ Verhalten - behavior
Nachteil - disadvantage
geheimnis - secret
Don't care about the problems, this category is just for me to know about issues in the story, thats why it's still in german.
Hope i could you with that.

I also run a critique page for characters, but I'm awed by how much work you put into these…! I'd be really humbled if you could look over one of my newer characters; https://www.notebook.ai/plan/characters/438049#overview_panel
Kamith is a witch set in a fantasy world with technology similar to the 1900s. He was a child soldier and currently spends his time working for a detective agency as a small way to redeem his actions. For the plot of his character arc, I plan to break him down further (negative growth) and then hopefully give him a turn around that promotes positive growth, to end his story on a sort of catharsis. I hope that helps enough…!

@Clinquant Ok, thank you, that helps a bit. So, let's get to it, shall we?

Knowing that she's not the main character was actually quite important, so I'm glad that you made that distinction. I treat main characters and side characters rather differently; I'm more lenient to sides because they're not the main focus of the story. I say this because I noticed that she's almost overbearingly perfect. If this were the main character, I would have lots of issues with this, even despite her major flaw. But since this is a side character, the fact that she's so perfect but is a little Miss Liar is actually quite interesting. So the question instead becomes: does she ever face any consequences for this? If she's not the main character, is she an antagonist? Antagonist doesn't necessarily mean villain, it just means someone who opposes the protagonist, so that's something to think about.

Looks

I'm gonna assume that 1,72 means 1.72 meters. Since I'm a filthy American dog, I had to convert that to feet. She seems to be average height for a woman, so that's ok. No weight, though? I already mentioned in an early critique that weight doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, which I do still maintain, but for a character sheet, it can help me gauge what her body type might be. You stated that she has both a weak and "normal" body type, but I'm not too sure what that means. Are you saying that she's frail? Is she unnaturally thin? What is considered a normal body type to you? If by normal you mean average, then ok, but how can she be both average and weak at the same time?

About her race, you said that this world is similar to our own, but are their other races besides humans? If not, then you should consider putting in her ethnicity. Where exactly does this story take place? Is it in a familiar country? Or a fictional one? Is her ethnicity what one would normally find in her country? Or is she from a family of immigrants? When you said her skin tone is white, I'm gonna assume you meant pale, which makes you the first person to describe a (presumably) white character as pale in this thread. This isn't a problem or anything, just a personal point of contention.

The biggest thing is her eye color. I see that you established that she has "Alexandria's Genesis", which explains why her eyes are purple. In case you didn't know, this isn't a real thing. But if that doesn't matter to you, that's totally fine. This is a fictional story, after all. You didn't even have to explain the purple eyes, to be honest. But since you did, did you know that there's more to AG than just purple eyes? It also supposedly gives the affected person "extremely fair skin (that does not get sunburned), dark brown scalp hair (but no body hair), the lack of a menstrual cycle (which does not affect the ability to bear children), strong immune systems, well-proportioned bodies that never gain weight (but extrude “very little waste”), the uncanny ability to always look five to ten years younger than one’s true age, and a lifespan of about 150 years". Will you make any of these apply to her? if not, you might not wanna add that she has that condition, because it was a characteristic made up by a fanfiction back in 1997 to make characters seem more special than they actually were (credit to Snopes.com for the info).

I like the tattoo idea. It brings to mind a mysterious organization. But is the tattoo from Voicebreak or the cult that she belongs to?

Nature

Osiria's mannerisms are good for her character, but they're a little cliche without context. Why does she play with her hair? Is it a nerves thing? Why does she talk fast when she's nervous? What makes her nervous? Being caught in a lie? I would also add another that's more unique to her.

What exactly are her motives? Family and loyalty is a good start, but what exactly does that mean? Is she loyal to her family? You kind of go into this a little bit in other categories and explain that loyalty is very important to her, but why is it? Especially if she's supposed to be dishonest. You said that lying does nothing to protect her family and that she just likes to do it, so how can she be both loyal and a liar?

Her flaws make sense, especially when taking the Verhaltensweise section into account, but I do wonder about her lying. Why is she like that?

Speaking of behavior, you said that she's always happy and never has a bad day. Does that mean that she never suffers consequences for her actions? I said earlier that I'm more lenient to side characters, but she's perfect to the point of being inhuman (which is why I thought she was some kind of robot). Does she have a character arc where her perfect little world comes crashing down around her, and then she learns and grows from her mistakes? Or does she turn evil or something? I'm just saying, a character like her that's as delusional as she is would make an excellent villain.

As far as the rest of personality, I just have to admit it: she comes off as someone who is deliriously delusional with a falsely cheerful personality. Her being loyal to her friends might keep her from going down the wrong path, but her the fact that she's in a cult that also demands her loyalty, and the fact that she loves to lie, would make her a strong villain. What I'm saying is, make her a villain. She's evil. There's no other way I can slice it. Because if she's not secretly evil, then her character is boring because she has no real flaws that hurt her in the story. Everyone seems to like her and she gets away with everything and is extremely beautiful; there's no conflict in that, and stories are built on conflict. So make her a villain/antagonist, or else she needs to be completely reworked.

Honestly, I can end the critique here. There's no need for me to continue because she's not an inherently bad character at all. She's just miscast. And if she's not, it doesn't help that I don't really have any idea what she's supposed to be in the story. My advice is to go back and think about her place in the story, and then fix the issues that I stated above.

Or take the easy road and make her a villain. Or think about putting robots in your story. Wouldn't that be a twist? She thinks she's human but is actually a Voicebreak android. Or something.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be of more help. If you'd like, you can inbox me more specific questions, and I can try to work with you. Here's a complementary medkit so that you can patch her character up, and good luck with your story ❤️️

@AmmyPajammy Thank you so much, you really helped me with this and you also gave me some ideas i am going to add to my story! I want to excuse my english, since i am german, i translate some things directly into english without thinking about, if there might be a more correct word for it.
So yeah, i know that there is more about the alexandia's genesis but i only needed an excuse for the purple eyes. I will change some things, since i really like the idea of making her evil and it can work, because Anthony is the actual villain and she loves him.. well, thanks again for your help

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime Same to you, I need you to write a blurb describing your story/your character's role in the story before I can help. Doctor's can't help without a medical history, after all!

You can take a look at her universe through the link on her profile. I'm on my phone, so idk if I could write anything that made sense rn…

@Syguy20132 I read your blurb like a hardboiled narrator for a crime drama; I hope that's what you were going for!

First impression of him is that he comes off as a bit of an edgelord, which if you've spent any kind of time on the internet in the last 2 years, you would know isn't really a good thing. I understand that he's an anti-hero, but I hope that he doesn't turn into one of those protagonists that are really unlikeable, but readers are told to like them anyway. But that's why I'm here; to make sure that doesn't happen!

Let's get down to brass tacks and break Jason down:

Before I get into it, does anyone really refer to him as "Jason the Silent"? That seems kinda hokey to me. If they do, then fine, I guess, but I don't think it fits with this super serious story that you seem to be trying for.

Looks

No real complaints, though if you describe him as thin and slightly muscular, I just wondered how thin? If he's 158 pounds, he wouldn't necessarily be overweight since his height offsets it somewhat, but 5'11" isn't that tall. But ultimately, it doesn't really matter because who really cares about weight in a story? I've never figured out how one would work that into a story in a relevant fashion anyway.

Nature

Not gonna lie, his mannerisms are pretty cliche for his type of character. I can understand having one of those, but all of them? If I were you, I keep the nervous laughter, because I think that does lend well to his character, and one other of these, then make up something else that's not so cliche for his character type. How about nail-biting? It's really hard to be edgy when you're always chewing on your nails in front of other people and would help readers to understand that his tough guy persona hides a scared kid who's desperate to clear his name and live a normal life.

Solid motivation that makes sense for the story; if I were framed for a murder, that'd be the only thing I really cared about, too.

His flaws are cliche for his character type, but in a well-written story, they could work. Maybe you can emphasize the rough time that he had growing up and that he's like this because he believes it protects him from harm, whether physical or emotional. However, there's a fine line you gotta skate between him being a sympathetic kid who's been hurt, and a douche who just likes to take his pain out on other people, so take care not to sway too far to the latter side.

His prejudice makes sense for a kid who's been in and out of juvie, but I noticed that you made him have quite a few adult friends. It seems rather contradictory, especially since one of his friends is a cop. I know kids like this, and unless this particular cop was especially kind to him and/or helped him clear his name, a kid like this wouldn't trust any cop. On that note, he's also friends with what I presume is a teacher, as well as the priest who I'm gonna assume is from the church that he accidentally set on fire? I know I talked a lot about cliches and trying to avoid them, but this doesn't make sense for the kind of character he is. One of these would work just fine, and if I had to pick the most interesting one, I'd say the priest, although that's a cliche in itself. I'll admit that this is more subjective, but I really think that him having all of these adult friends that are in positions of authority over him flies in the face of his supposed prejudice against adults.

For his talents/hobbies, what does he like to draw and/or write about? How good at it is he? For his singing, that's an interesting talent for his character. Is he a good singer? Does he have the voice of an angel? Or is he terrible? Why does he not like to sing in front of others unless he's comfortable? Does he think it makes him look weak?

So he seems like he's a bad dude with a heart of gold. Cliched, but like I said earlier, can work in a good story, and is almost necessary if you want people to sympathize with him. But how well does he treat his friends? How hard is it to become his friend? Do his friends think that he did the crime? or are they loyal to him? How does he treat people who aren't his friends, but aren't;t his enemies? Does he like scaring his friends? Do his friends know that he has powers? How bad is his temper?

Social

He's got a listed religion, so how religious is he, and how much does it inform his character?

You stated that he's in and out of juvie, so how does that affect his school life? Does he even go to a regular high school? Has he ever been expelled? Did he graduate on time, and if so, how did he manage that?

He doesn't have a favorite color at all? Why not? I'll admit, it probably wouldn't be plot relevant, but it can go a long way to giving Jason some depth.

I like that he hates pickles put likes cucumbers. It reminds me of how I love grapes but HATE [REDACTED] RAISINS!

No favorite possessions? That can't be right. There must be something in this world that he holds dear to him, even if it's frivolous. It helps with character depth.

No weapon is fine since he's pyrotechnic.

What kind of animals does he like since it's clearly not all kinds? Is he a cats and dogs kinda person? And why does he like animals so much? I'm gonna take a wild guess and assume it's because they're "less complicated than people".

History

His history is intriguing and appropriately tragic, though I think you can stand to add a bit more detail. As far as why there are psychics in the world, that doesn't necessarily have to be explained, but you should explain what the events leading up to him roasting his own brother alive were. You can also explain the plot a tiny bit in his background: why exactly would someone wanna frame him for murder? Convenience? Does he know the person who did it?

Misc

I like that you explain how his powers work, but I think you can go into a bit more detail about this. Which emotions fuel his fire? Anger? Sadness? Anxiety? Also, I have to ask: what kinda of world is this where no one recognizes that there are people with literal powers? Why do they keep it a secret? How has Jason been able to keep it a secret if he can't control his powers and keep burning things down?

All in all, Jason can use a little bit of work, but I recognize that he's mainly an archetype, almost like a comic book character. The best thing to do for a character like this is to throw him into a really good story. I wish you success, and here's a ice pack for your hot-tempered boy ❤️️

Firstly, I just want to say thank you for taking the time to analyze Jason…. I honestly just wrote the blurb up right on the spot. I'm just using "Jason the Silent" as a filler for now until I come up with something better. Others will call him by this nickname in a mocking manner.

Your Questions/Concerns, Answered
1: Jason is just starting to come into a more muscular physique. His abs are replacing his slight gut, and pecks are starting to form/become more visible/whatever…. Honestly, I'm sure that it's just so that we writers have an idea on how to describe appearence better.

2: You may think that his mannerisms are 'cliche', but they're realistic. Mannerisms should be realistic, whether or not they are cliche shouldn't really matter. I do admit that they are cliche, however I am going to add more mannerisms eventually.

Actually, Jason was framed for setting fire to his school's gym, not murder. Though, the fire does sadly take some lives, and others are injured and hopitalized.

3: Like his mannerisms, Jason's flaws are realistic for his character. I'll also be adding more flaws that will work for him.

4: I'm glad that you like his his prejudices. I'm gonna dress his relationships with Johnny (the cop), Father James (the priest), and his teacher, Mr. Stockton.

Jason respects Johnny, for Johnny has treated Jason with nothing but respect.
Father James is actually a minor support character that gives Jason money for the things that are needed for Jason to live. Father James convinces Father Thomas, the priest that took Jason off of the streets, and then eventually kicks him out, to support Jason throughout the rest of his schooling career.
I can't really divulge much about Mr. Stockton other than that he has his own reasons for being the way that he is, and that I have something planned for him. He supports and trully care about his students.

5: Jason enjoys to write about the supernatural, mainly horror, fantasy, and fanfics; he mostly writes fanfic. He draws things that he likes looking at/finds interesting, such as werewolves, or pieces inspired by what he's read/watched on tv.

He is quite talented with his artistic skills. His friends, and others though they'd never admit it, absolutely love seeing the things that Jason draws. His group of friends enjoy reading the horror, fantasy, and fanfics that he writes.
Jason, despite having a 'deep' voice, is capable of hitting high notes, and has an amazing range. Those that hear him sing wish that he'd do it more. Jason only sings around people that he's comfortable with, otherwise he is nervous wreck, messing up lyrics, 'choking' on them, and mumbling…. In otherwords, he's stagefright and shy when it comes to singing. (Oh look, another flaw!)

6: Jason likes to tease his friends, but does so out of a place of love, not hate. He'll sneak up behind some of them, and scare them. It can be surprisingly easy to become Jason's friend. So long as you treat him and his other friends with respect, he'll treat you the same way. Jason may even decide to strike up a normal, everyday 'ice breaker' converstion with you.

Jason's friends (at least those that were present in the gym) are loyal to him; his other friends have thier doubts due to knowledge of Jason's past 'arson' events. No, like most of the genreal population, they don't know about his powers, nor believe in 'psychics, etc.'
His anger range varies, depending on the situation.

7: Jason, despite being a Christian, swears, and struggles with living a Christian/Godly life.

8: For the story-verse, public schools, which is the type of school that Jason goes to, are required, by law, to give juvinile delinguints an education. The criminal pasts don't really effect the juvinile until, and if, they decide to go to colloge. Other students do their best to stray away from these individuals.

9: I've added some favorite colors. I just couldn't think of anything at first.

10: I gave Jason some favorite possesions/keepsakes.

11: No, not something that trite and cliche. Jason is an animal lover, because they can scense that Jason is actually a lot kinder and more gental than he lets on. As a result he loves a bunch of different species.

Jason hates snakes, for he had a dream that he was devoured by a giant snake while he was a child and still lived at home with his parents and brother (he was alive at that time.) He hates spiders, yet is able to kill them when he has to. The reason that he dislikes spiders is that Connor used to torment him by placing spiders in Jason's bed.

12: I can't say, for those are plot points that are vital to the narrative itself…. I can however say that like our world, 'psychics', and other paranormal things haven't been scientifically proven, thus not everyone beileves that they exist.

Connor made Jason angry after breaking a promice, and since Jason's anger was entirely directed at Connor that is how he is burned alive.

13: Like I said, Jason's powers/abilities are tied to his emotions. Admitedly, they are predominately tied to anger, but there are other aspects of his abilities that are connected to othe emotions.

Thank you. You pointed out some issues that I'll need to look into. That being said I kinda feel that I should give you some advice in return….

Never start a critique off with a joke. It's unprofessional, and then the person that you are doing a critique for will have a hard time taking you seriously throught the rest of the critique. I know that you meant it as a joke, but the line for your 'first impression' was actually quite rude and insulting. Yet another reason why you shouldn't start off with a joke. You should start by stating what you liked, then move on to what you didn't like (giving suggestions/advice on how to fix things, but in a polite manner. Finally, you should end with some more things that you liked.

@Syguy20132 I'm glad that you found my critique helpful! We will take your suggestions into consideration! Have a lollipop 🍭 and a nice day ❤