forum Character Analysis- sup, give my your character and I'll critique it: I'll analyze every single one! (closed- go away)
Started by Jana
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Jana

Would you be willing to critique a short story?

Yeah sure, I mean I can analyze it and then put in what I think you should change or something which is basically my whole English class- and Macbeth- don't forget Macbeth.

Jana

hello :)
i don't really have anything specific i'd like for you to look at, just anything that sticks out to you or anything i should add
Alice - Alice Carpenter

So hey, great character by the way, but I do have some notes:

  • Okay, so an 11-year-old was wondering the streets for a year without the help from her magical abilities? She would be the easiest target for human trafficking, kidnapping, and more things like that- you have to more specific on how she survived- did she live in a homeless shelter, find little places around that where her safe spaces, etc. And she had to go to school, like its illegal not to for a twelve-year-old, an officer at some point would have spotted her around at the time school would have been in session.
  • her dialogue in the quotes section seem vague, devoid of real characterization, and are predictable to what an inexperienced writer would write for their character. (I know this seems really harsh, but I have the same problem and after you write more, research more about the craft of writing, you'll improve. It honestly is not the worst thing I've read, but not the best. You need to learn how to put in your character's personality through what they say. Some good examples of this I can recommend is Gilmore Girls- will give you some snap and wit, Harry Potter- mostly character dynamics, and youtube videos- many, many of those.)
  • everything feels a little predictable, which is not bad if that's what you're going for, but my advice is to really try and make it into your own thing by putting in little twists and uniqueness to the characters, plot, and overall story.

But honestly great job. You don't have to take my advice, just know if this seems too harsh it's because I care and want you to succeed. (I also think this would be very funny if this was a live action tv show with a kind of documentary style to it like the office or something)

Good Luck

  • Jana

Jana

Hey! Can you look at this character?
Coallen Wendsley - Coallen
If you want his backstory, I can try and type it out for you
Just an overall critique would be great

And/or this character:
Charlie Lionel Trellaerne - Charlie
Same things apply
Thanks!

Omg, I just typed up this long response, but it glitched so now I have to start over… There goes that hour of analyzing your work….

Okay first off is Coallen!

  • he is too young to have that role yet- make him older so it seems for realistic like 27 or 30. This will make it more believable that he had gone through all that and is getting over his PTSD.
  • this docent seems like it's on earth- so what I would do is really expand on your world to make it feel like a place people live in. Not just a place where your characters live in. What are the rules and quite lines of it, what are the quirks and uniqueness of it? Ask yourself things like that.
  • He honestly feels like a cardboard cut out. Flesh him out? Give reasons behind his choices and actions to make him feel more human. Remember people do not make the most logical choice all the time, we act on our emotions at least some of the time. Nobody always male the most rational decisions every time.
  • give him more character moments- like why does he go by this name instead of his given one?

Now it is Charlie!

  • he is the start of a great character. I see him as a sort of mirror that Coallen sees himself as and Charlie to Coallen- so they see the differences and same characteristics and hate them all the same in each other as well as themselves.
  • there is really nothing there of him, so just dig deep! Fill out more and be more descriptive!
  • Coallen and Charlie feel like they need to be together in the story (sorry to pull out this example, but its the best I can think of. In Naruto, Naruto and Sasuke are meh characters by themselves, but put them together they play off each other with their dynamic, so it makes the story much better with the characterization)

I recommend a podcast on youtube called Tip of the Tong by jelloapocalypse- they go over everything, but you can skip some videos because they only apply to voice actors, but what they say on world building and characters would be great for you to hear. Please go check them out

Sorry if I sound too harsh,
Jana

@Your_Local_Scrivener

Hey! Can you look at this character?
Coallen Wendsley - Coallen
If you want his backstory, I can try and type it out for you
Just an overall critique would be great

And/or this character:
Charlie Lionel Trellaerne - Charlie
Same things apply
Thanks!

Omg, I just typed up this long response, but it glitched so now I have to start over… There goes that hour of analyzing your work….

Okay first off is Coallen!

  • he is too young to have that role yet- make him older so it seems for realistic like 27 or 30. This will make it more believable that he had gone through all that and is getting over his PTSD.
  • this docent seems like it's on earth- so what I would do is really expand on your world to make it feel like a place people live in. Not just a place where your characters live in. What are the rules and quite lines of it, what are the quirks and uniqueness of it? Ask yourself things like that.
  • He honestly feels like a cardboard cut out. Flesh him out? Give reasons behind his choices and actions to make him feel more human. Remember people do not make the most logical choice all the time, we act on our emotions at least some of the time. Nobody always male the most rational decisions every time.
  • give him more character moments- like why does he go by this name instead of his given one?

Now it is Charlie!

  • he is the start of a great character. I see him as a sort of mirror that Coallen sees himself as and Charlie to Coallen- so they see the differences and same characteristics and hate them all the same in each other as well as themselves.
  • there is really nothing there of him, so just dig deep! Fill out more and be more descriptive!
  • Coallen and Charlie feel like they need to be together in the story (sorry to pull out this example, but its the best I can think of. In Naruto, Naruto and Sasuke are meh characters by themselves, but put them together they play off each other with their dynamic, so it makes the story much better with the characterization)

I recommend a podcast on youtube called Tip of the Tong by jelloapocalypse- they go over everything, but you can skip some videos because they only apply to voice actors, but what they say on world building and characters would be great for you to hear. Please go check them out

Sorry if I sound too harsh,
Jana

Awesome! I've been meticulous about cultivating a tough skin, so this information's really helpful, especially for Charlie.
(Also, Coallen and Charlie are together for most of the first book, and their viewpoints will alternate in the second, so that at least I have!) Thanks!

Jana

So…..
I have these characters, Malin, Rostal, Nax and Marco the Manticore. I tend to go somewhat overboard with the backstories and stuff so it's fine if you only look at one of them.

Wow ok, I must hate myself or something because I'm analyzing all four… after going to bed for 6 hours after doing this for 3…..

First off we have: Malin

  • ok, so the name. what ethnicity does it come from because I take Mandrian and that translates to horse woods, or mom woods… so is it from something else? like I want to know now.
  • so… you're story really doesn't need the ringmaster to have magical abilities, it's like your giving magic out to anybody that which is just overkill and makes everything feel over baring and messy.
  • It doesn't feel like she's a real person, just a character- I want her to feel human, so make her more grounded in reality.

Now we got: Rostal

  • the names you have given them are too gimmicky and strange, like if they were from different countries and stuff then that would be fine, but I feel like you're just making up all these names yourself.
  • what does a body type "Well trained for wrestling" look like??? Because wrestlers can be fat with muscle so they way much more, or just muscular. You should expand more on that.
  • explain why he is like he is- why does he always give the benefit of the dought? Nothing happened to him or he's just a good person? Idk explain more and not just that part- everything. It will make him grounded in reality and seem like a person rather than someone's OC.
  • you gotta give him more hobbies than just his job, this makes him just one-dimensional character. Very boring and doesn't get mast most publications. Give him motivate on everything- why he did that, why he even joined the circus. And IT cant just me "because he was bord and wanted a new adventure" Becuase that is the weakest story writing and gives you nothing about the character.

Over half way there: Naxaschirqal

  • again with the hecking names!!! If you give a character a weird name like this you gotta give a backstory to them. Did their parents just hate them or something? Do they go by this instead of their given name and why?
  • to quote parks and rec, "Who had sex with what and give birth to which?"
    -still just feels like a strange cardboard cut out character.
  • all the character dynamics seem as stale as bread that was sitting out on the counter for way too long. Give them unseen motives that have placed them where they are now. It could be one of them secretly hates the other, but with more volume and a unique twist on it. I feel bored just read and seeing: they are all friends.

The last one: Marco!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • ok, so what is his need to be there? is he plot relevant? Explain. Every character should be there because they need to be, not just because you want them to be.
  • yep just is a one-dimensional character, too. Take what I said with the others and put it towards him too.

And overall: you need to find an overall tone to the story, there doesn't feel like there is one- also the same with the theme.

My resources that I would recommend are watching good movies the boarded on the fantasy but are still grounded in reality- So anything really by Wes Anderson, George Orwell books would be great, and lots and lots of videos on these subjects on youtube.

I know I seem very harsh, sorry,
Jana

Jana

Would you be willing to critique a short story?

Yeah sure, I mean I can analyze it and then put in what I think you should change or something which is basically my whole English class- and Macbeth- don't forget Macbeth.

so yeah, I can

@Kev

Hey, I'd really appreciate if you could critique character I've had in the works for an awfully long time named Jesse. He's nearly finished, but I'm still not sure he's completely up to par. Want to give him a look? (Side note, this story takes place in a post-apocalyptic world, hundreds of years after total nuclear annihilation. It's just something you'll want to take into consideration if you decide to review him.)

Here's a link: Jesse David Reeves

Jana

Hey, I'd really appreciate if you could critique character I've had in the works for an awfully long time named Jesse. He's nearly finished, but I'm still not sure he's completely up to par. Want to give him a look? (Side note, this story takes place in a post-apocalyptic world, hundreds of years after total nuclear annihilation. It's just something you'll want to take into consideration if you decide to review him.)

Here's a link: Jesse David Reeves

Hey, I just want to say thanks for the background info, it really does help. You have a great character here, but I do have some notes.

  • so if he is 5'10 and muscular- that would mean a good weight of 168-178 lbs for a skinniness to him, or even higher, not 157lbs, that is pretty unrealistic for a male.
  • can you explain more on the unbeknownst PTSD? like how does he not know what it is, or that he has it?
  • I think that you need to dive deeper into his character by finding out what it means to be him. I know that doesn't make much sense, but think about questions like, "What consequences does him making this desition say about him and what effects will it have on him that might/ might not change him?" What motivated him to become a mercenary and not just apart of an army?
  • also, dive deeper into his psyche to show and see that he is grounded in reality and this, in turn, will make him feel more human.

Some great things: you have the tone and almost everything down, I really don't have too many comments on what I think you should correct. What I would say right now is get the theme and plot ready. Work on dialog and small character moments to show his personality threw it. I'm going to recommend for this because I want you to find your own voice and uniqueness to your story, a podcast that goes over almost everything in a story- Tip of the Tong by jelloapocolypse- you can find it on youtube.

Please write it and get it published into whatever media you want!!!

Jana

@M.W.Poel

First off we have: Malin

  • ok, so the name. what ethnicity does it come from because I take Mandrian and that translates to horse woods, or mom woods… so is it from something else? like I want to know now.
  • so… you're story really doesn't need the ringmaster to have magical abilities, it's like your giving magic out to anybody that which is just overkill and makes everything feel over baring and messy.
  • It doesn't feel like she's a real person, just a character- I want her to feel human, so make her more grounded in reality.

Now we got: Rostal

  • what does a body type "Well trained for wrestling" look like??? Because wrestlers can be fat with muscle so they way much more, or just muscular. You should expand more on that.
  • explain why he is like he is- why does he always give the benefit of the dought? Nothing happened to him or he's just a good person? Idk explain more and not just that part- everything. It will make him grounded in reality and seem like a person rather than someone's OC.
  • you gotta give him more hobbies than just his job, this makes him just one-dimensional character. Very boring and doesn't get mast most publications. Give him motivate on everything- why he did that, why he even joined the circus. And IT cant just me "because he was bord and wanted a new adventure" Becuase that is the weakest story writing and gives you nothing about the character.

Over half way there: Naxaschirqal

  • to quote parks and rec, "Who had sex with what and give birth to which?"
    -still just feels like a strange cardboard cut out character.
  • all the character dynamics seem as stale as bread that was sitting out on the counter for way too long. Give them unseen motives that have placed them where they are now. It could be one of them secretly hates the other, but with more volume and a unique twist on it. I feel bored just read and seeing: they are all friends.

The last one: Marco!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • ok, so what is his need to be there? is he plot relevant? Explain. Every character should be there because they need to be, not just because you want them to be.

Ah, I forgot to say. It's a very high fantasy setting Dungeons and dragons style. For the names, I always just take what I think sounds fun so I am making them up myself and it has no meaning whatsoever or I base it on what the dnd-guide has to say about normal names to their race. Also, I can't change them because I already put out some stories because I'm on deadlines and no-one was reacting to the individual threats for them… =.=
It's super important for Malin to have magic otherwise she would be long dead since she hasn't always been a ringmaster. And it's written like a bunch of short stories about how they joined the circus but Marco isn't actually that important. He's more just there because the whole point of half the conflicts is Oh my god! there's a whole bunch of monsters in town and most of the characters I'd written could still be seen as partially human.

I'll work on Rostal because I indeed felt like he was missing something. What would be more interesting? Raised by a loving family of minotaurs or never knew his parents, got cast out by society at a young age and was raised by impartial tryants (tree-people) who at first thought he was a failed wizards experiment?
Do you have a few specific pointers for Malin? I don't really know what you mean with just a character or how to counter it.
I don't think snake people really have relationships the way human's do? It's more like Nax was raised by the collective.
Would you travel around for years with people you don't even like or even hate? That said, you're secret hate suggestion is exactly the case with Malin towards Nax. She doesn't like him at all but he's necessary to the circus but I'll keep it in mind when revising their stand on characters I haven't introduced yet.

@jantz

hello :)
i don't really have anything specific i'd like for you to look at, just anything that sticks out to you or anything i should add
Alice - Alice Carpenter

So hey, great character by the way, but I do have some notes:

  • Okay, so an 11-year-old was wondering the streets for a year without the help from her magical abilities? She would be the easiest target for human trafficking, kidnapping, and more things like that- you have to more specific on how she survived- did she live in a homeless shelter, find little places around that where her safe spaces, etc. And she had to go to school, like its illegal not to for a twelve-year-old, an officer at some point would have spotted her around at the time school would have been in session.
  • her dialogue in the quotes section seem vague, devoid of real characterization, and are predictable to what an inexperienced writer would write for their character. (I know this seems really harsh, but I have the same problem and after you write more, research more about the craft of writing, you'll improve. It honestly is not the worst thing I've read, but not the best. You need to learn how to put in your character's personality through what they say. Some good examples of this I can recommend is Gilmore Girls- will give you some snap and wit, Harry Potter- mostly character dynamics, and youtube videos- many, many of those.)
  • everything feels a little predictable, which is not bad if that's what you're going for, but my advice is to really try and make it into your own thing by putting in little twists and uniqueness to the characters, plot, and overall story.

But honestly great job. You don't have to take my advice, just know if this seems too harsh it's because I care and want you to succeed. (I also think this would be very funny if this was a live action tv show with a kind of documentary style to it like the office or something)

Good Luck

  • Jana

thanks, friend :)
i'll do my best to improve everything and try to make her less predictable. thanks for the input

Jana

First off we have: Malin

  • ok, so the name. what ethnicity does it come from because I take Mandrian and that translates to horse woods, or mom woods… so is it from something else? like I want to know now.
  • so… you're story really doesn't need the ringmaster to have magical abilities, it's like your giving magic out to anybody that which is just overkill and makes everything feel over baring and messy.
  • It doesn't feel like she's a real person, just a character- I want her to feel human, so make her more grounded in reality.

Now we got: Rostal

  • what does a body type "Well trained for wrestling" look like??? Because wrestlers can be fat with muscle so they way much more, or just muscular. You should expand more on that.
  • explain why he is like he is- why does he always give the benefit of the dought? Nothing happened to him or he's just a good person? Idk explain more and not just that part- everything. It will make him grounded in reality and seem like a person rather than someone's OC.
  • you gotta give him more hobbies than just his job, this makes him just one-dimensional character. Very boring and doesn't get mast most publications. Give him motivate on everything- why he did that, why he even joined the circus. And IT cant just me "because he was bord and wanted a new adventure" Becuase that is the weakest story writing and gives you nothing about the character.

Over half way there: Naxaschirqal

  • to quote parks and rec, "Who had sex with what and give birth to which?"
    -still just feels like a strange cardboard cut out character.
  • all the character dynamics seem as stale as bread that was sitting out on the counter for way too long. Give them unseen motives that have placed them where they are now. It could be one of them secretly hates the other, but with more volume and a unique twist on it. I feel bored just read and seeing: they are all friends.

The last one: Marco!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • ok, so what is his need to be there? is he plot relevant? Explain. Every character should be there because they need to be, not just because you want them to be.

Ah, I forgot to say. It's a very high fantasy setting Dungeons and dragons style. For the names, I always just take what I think sounds fun so I am making them up myself and it has no meaning whatsoever or I base it on what the dnd-guide has to say about normal names to their race. Also, I can't change them because I already put out some stories because I'm on deadlines and no-one was reacting to the individual threats for them… =.=
It's super important for Malin to have magic otherwise she would be long dead since she hasn't always been a ringmaster. And it's written like a bunch of short stories about how they joined the circus but Marco isn't actually that important. He's more just there because the whole point of half the conflicts is Oh my god! there's a whole bunch of monsters in town and most of the characters I'd written could still be seen as partially human.

I'll work on Rostal because I indeed felt like he was missing something. What would be more interesting? Raised by a loving family of minotaurs or never knew his parents, got cast out by society at a young age and was raised by impartial tryants (tree-people) who at first thought he was a failed wizards experiment?
Do you have a few specific pointers for Malin? I don't really know what you mean with just a character or how to counter it.
I don't think snake people really have relationships the way human's do? It's more like Nax was raised by the collective.
Would you travel around for years with people you don't even like or even hate? That said, you're secret hate suggestion is exactly the case with Malin towards Nax. She doesn't like him at all but he's necessary to the circus but I'll keep it in mind when revising their stand on characters I haven't introduced yet.

Wow, I feel pretty bad now. It seems like you have everything under control then. I think that would be a good backstory for Rostal. (lol every time I write Rostal, I always think roster) And since its D and D, its fine for her to not be as complexed as a book or movie character. That would add too much. Haha, I thought Nax was just some weird OC that was like half human, half snake! Other than that I think you're all good.

@M.W.Poel

@Jana, no worries. I can't tell myself whether a character really makes sense or not so it still helps. I also always forget that other people don't read Bard, magic or Faerûn and think dnd.

Jana

Hi! Can you critique one of my characters?

Hey

  • Ok, so she seems a little too young to work at an orphanage. What made a 19-year-old want (or have to) work at an orphanage???
  • who did she get that injury that made her have a limp? How does it affect her fighting style? What are the consequences of that?
  • she feels by-the-books or boring as a character. Everyone has different tendencies with different people, and to make her so flat as a character makes her not feel human but a boring alien. You need to give more predecessors to her actions and make her not just a grumpy little thing that loves her sister and would do anything to protect them. I feel like I've seen characters just like that in every book, movie, and show I've seen. Give her unique twists only you can conger up.
  • Why is she aloof and cold? What type of conflict can she get into for consequences for these feelings and actions? Rember no human ever has been 100% one thing.
  • Dive deeper in her psyche; I feel like she is just the beginnings of a character.

You're getting there! Don't feel discouraged! Come back to me after you add more stuff that I recommended and I'll help you make her feel very realistic and a great character from there. Right now what I recommend to you is searching "how to write characters" on youtube, this will give you more knowledge on what you might do. If you are from the ages of 11-13 I recommend Jenna Moreci (that's what I did). If you are from the ages 14-15 I recommend Captin Kristen's videos, A Closer Look, and a video called "writing strong characters". Then 16 and up I recommend Tip of the Tong podcast on youtube.

Good Luck, and come put this character back in here once you got a little more on her.
Jana :)

@HighPockets group

Hi! Can you critique one of my characters?

Hey

  • Ok, so she seems a little too young to work at an orphanage. What made a 19-year-old want (or have to) work at an orphanage???
  • who did she get that injury that made her have a limp? How does it affect her fighting style? What are the consequences of that?
  • she feels by-the-books or boring as a character. Everyone has different tendencies with different people, and to make her so flat as a character makes her not feel human but a boring alien. You need to give more predecessors to her actions and make her not just a grumpy little thing that loves her sister and would do anything to protect them. I feel like I've seen characters just like that in every book, movie, and show I've seen. Give her unique twists only you can conger up.
  • Why is she aloof and cold? What type of conflict can she get into for consequences for these feelings and actions? Rember no human ever has been 100% one thing.
  • Dive deeper in her psyche; I feel like she is just the beginnings of a character.

You're getting there! Don't feel discouraged! Come back to me after you add more stuff that I recommended and I'll help you make her feel very realistic and a great character from there. Right now what I recommend to you is searching "how to write characters" on youtube, this will give you more knowledge on what you might do. If you are from the ages of 11-13 I recommend Jenna Moreci (that's what I did). If you are from the ages 14-15 I recommend Captin Kristen's videos, A Closer Look, and a video called "writing strong characters". Then 16 and up I recommend Tip of the Tong podcast on youtube.

Good Luck, and come put this character back in here once you got a little more on her.
Jana :)

I already watch the Cyborg Queen's videos, but I'll check out the other guy!
She's more developed than her profile lets on, but she's also not a major character.

Jana

Hi 👋🏼 could you critique Evette?

Sup, sorry I was gone for so long. I'll get on it now.

So we got Evette here:

  • give her more mannerisms, you need her to feel like a real person- not just this one-sided thing. Giving her more mannerisms will help you and others see her as not just a character, but she could be actually alive.
  • same things with more flaws
  • instead of what feels like a copy and pasted script from a personality website, describe her- not just the stereotypical ESFP.
  • she really doesn't feel done at all. fill in more

I'll give you more pointers if you come back after you fill in more.

Jana

Would you be able to critique my Alpha Bitch character, Cecelia? Cecelia Bishop

Sorry I was gone… So Cecelia is a pretty good character.

  • ummm… do you think you could add a reason for her eating disorder to be rooted in? I could be from an abusive parent or just as simple as she was bullied for her weight. This will add in some depth, sympathy, or weak piots (this depends upon how you play off it).
  • what is her goal? like a job that she aspires to?
  • add more stuff on how being super rich affected her growing up and now. look at real-life people for these examples on adding more characteristics on her. I read an article on how power affects brain function. You should do more research and look into these things.

Overall, pretty well done.

  • jana