So, basically, I have a story I wrote a few months ago (unfinished) and decided that I'd decide to try to improve it. Just wondering which start you like better. Second intro will be the first comment.
Intro #1
“Come on, Alix, wake up already! Wakeupwakeupwakeup!!!”
I wake up to the sound of my little brother Caleb’s voice. I rub my eyes and groan, then look at my clock.
“Aw come on, Caleb, it’s 6:30! Let me sleep!”
Caleb rolls his eyes as I try to sleep again. “You’re boring,” he groans.
An hour later, Caleb wakes me up by screaming some annoying rhymes he definitely spent the last hour writing to annoy me.
My mom hears this and yells, “Caleb! It’s your sister’s birthday, of all the days! Be nice to her!”
“But Mommy…” Caleb starts to whine, but Mom shushes him. “Shhh, Caleb. We have Alix’s birthday present! Isn’t she going to love it?”
“YEAH!” Caleb screams.
Intro #2
In the mountains of the Forgotten Realms, an old lady in a hut woke up to an alarm. Weird, she thought. I haven’t had a message from them in ages.
The lady opened up her golden watch and watched the holograph of her former colleagues speak to her.
“This is urgent. The tablets are in grave danger.”
-*-
Meanwhile, miles and miles away, a girl in New York was about to fall asleep. Just as she was about to close her eyes-
“You’ll love what we got for your burfei!” her little brother screamed.
The girl’s mom walked in and picked up the five-year-old boy. “Shh,” she whispered to him. “Let your sister get some sleep! Tomorrow’s her birthday, after all!”
“Mom, what’s he doing in my room? He should have been asleep four hours ago!” the girl said.
But her mom had already left the room.
Both are not bad, but can be improved.
The first one seems too chaotic to me. There is too much going on and the pace is fast. Still, I like that you jump right into the action. This intrigued me and I would like to continue reading this chapter.
The second one is mysterious. I like this. I'm moving into the world of Forgotten Realms and I'm prepared for a story about an old lady, but I barely find out about her news and now I'm moving to New York. That makes me think, "Wait. What am I reading about?" This does not spark joy. You have to introduce one story at a time.
Remember, the first line has to grab the reader's attention and the first paragraph has to make them read on. Also, it would be best if you finish the story first. Do not edit, go back, or improve, unless you have a clear direction you want to go. If it's your first draft, only here and now counts.
Hope I helped. Keep writing!
Veg
Both are not bad, but can be improved.
The first one seems too chaotic to me. There is too much going on and the pace is fast. Still, I like that you jump right into the action. This intrigued me and I would like to continue reading this chapter.
The second one is mysterious. I like this. I'm moving into the world of Forgotten Realms and I'm prepared for a story about an old lady, but I barely find out about her news and now I'm moving to New York. That makes me think, "Wait. What am I reading about?" This does not spark joy. You have to introduce one story at a time.
Remember, the first line has to grab the reader's attention and the first paragraph has to make them read on. Also, it would be best if you finish the story first. Do not edit, go back, or improve, unless you have a clear direction you want to go. If it's your first draft, only here and now counts.
Hope I helped. Keep writing!
Veg
Thanks for your feedback! I'll try to keep that in mind.
