Iolana voiceover
"The world you're currently feasting upon with your two eyeballs is colloquially known as Iter. I'm not sure what the aliens call it, I haven't asked. On this world are four continents;
The Northern Nightscape
The Eastern Empire
The Southern Sunland
and The Western Wilderness
I myself live in the Northern Nightscape. I'm a member of one of the eight Northern Families, the Mysturians. All the families work in a form of professional crime, with each one specialising in a specific job, except for my own and that of the Exhibitos. We share a job between us.
The job of Assassination.
This is the story of how my life went down to 0 and beyond in less than a day.
And how I got revenge.
Intros have never been my strong suit, so I thought I'd post here to get some feedback. What you think?
The concept sounds really cool! I'd be on board for the story! But it's quite a lot of information in not a lot of space, which I think is something to be wary of in any introduction. Is all of this information absolutely necessary right now? Would it make sense to reveal some of the things later as you go?
All in all, I think it's super cool, just a tad exposition heavy.
All the best with your writing!
Yeah, I know. It used to have the names AND professions of every single family. I'll see how much more I can reduce it. Thanks for the feedback, I'm glad you liked it!
(oooh…. ohh. hi there lol)
i like the intro, and it's a great concept, and since i'm already familiar with the character, it's cool to learn more about iter. but i would agree with @ninja_violinist in that the reader is sorta flooded with info at the beginning, and a bit of the wording could be changed, i think, just to make it flow a little easier. your vocabulary is impressive, but that soon into the story i feel may throw some readers off a bit? maybe changing the first paragraph to something a little shorter and attention-grabbing could be a good thing? for example, maybe "the world you are looking upon with your own two eyes is often referred to as iter. iter itself is comprised of four continents: the northern nightscape, the eastern empire, the southern sunland, and the western wilderness. …etc." this way it's simplified and not such an onslaught of information, and it makes a little more sense as a whole? the only other thing is the "the job of assassination. this is the story of how my life went down to 0 and beyond in less than a day." i feel like it's just worded a little weird, is all. "the job of an assassin. this is the story of how my life was flipped around and became a living nightmare. …etc" might work a smidge better? i don't know for certain, seeing as i'm pretty awful at introductions, too. hopefully this helps, but i know i'm not that great at constructive criticism, so i apologize in advance. i still think iolana is an amazing character, and i can't wait to see what you do with the story!
Updated! I tried to get some of the unneeded information out, but replaced it with more general writing. I also decided to spoil some of the story in the intro, with the idea being it gets people interested in how those things happen, so let me know if I did that well! I'm hoping it's a better read than before despite being longer, but it might not. Thoughts?
Introduction
Iolana voiceover
"The world you're currently feasting upon with your two eyeballs is colloquially known as "Iter". Apparently in the ancient days, the idea of naming a planet was pretty unconventional, but as is the case with History's usual bullshit, the name "Iter" stuck and several people died to keep it that way. One person didn't even get paid. As for the aliens, I'm not sure what they call it, I haven't asked. Maybe "Hell"."
"On this world are four continents;"
"The Northern Nightscape"
"The Eastern Empire"
"The Southern Sunland"
"and The Western Wilderness"
"I myself live in the Northern Nightscape, which is home to and run by eight ancient families. Each family specialises in a unique form of professional crime, but all you need to know is that my family, the Mysturians are masters of Assassination. Also that first part was a lie, because we share that job with the Exhibitos. Other than that all the families do different jobs. Anyway, the story."
"You are about to witness how my life went down to 0 and beyond in less than a day."
"And how I got revenge. "
"And how I almost murdered an entire family."
"And also how I overthrew two governments."
"And insulted multiple Gods."
"And saved the world."
