forum Please Critique This Overly Long First Chapter
Started by @SprigofThyme
tune

people_alt 53 followers

@SprigofThyme

Rip it apart, I dare you.

Ezra Hartwell considered himself a perfectly functioning member of society, thank you very much. He had almost completed his apprenticeship under one of the best apothecaries in the country, and the family that disapproved of his very existence was blessedly absent.

All in all, life was pretty much perfect.

The sound of a bell and the creak of an opening door pulled him from his thoughts and back into the musty pharmacy he stood in, one hand still half-raised towards a small bottle on the shelf in front of him.

"Young man, do you have any idea when Fabian will return?" came a shrill voice from somewhere behind him.

Well, life was almost perfect.

Ezra turned around and wiped off his look of mild annoyance. "Ah, hello Mrs. Carmichael. What can I do for you today?"

"Don't you 'hello' me, boy. Didn't your parents ever teach you respect?"

Ezra bit back a sigh. Some customers had a tendency to be more… difficult than others. Mrs. Carmichael had been a customer of Mr. Belmont for decades and didn't seem to be planning to kick the bucket anytime soon, so it was advised to stay on her good side.

Unfortunately, that was easier said than done. Not wanting to waste any more time than he had to, he turned to the wooden shelf behind him, smoothed from years of use.

"Hmm, burdock root, if I remember correctly," he muttered to himself.

Mrs. Carmichael must have heard him, because out of the corner of his eye he could see the old woman glaring at him.

"Of course its burdock root, you nitwit! That hasn't changed in twenty years, I'll have you know! Now, Fabian never forgot, what he was thinking when he took you on as an apprentice I'll never know."

Ignoring her tirade, Ezra carefully measured out the dried root and and wrapped it in thick brown paper. He handed the package over to the irritated woman, who snatched it out of his hands with a glower. She spun around and strode towards the door with surprising gusto for someone her age.

"Have a good day, Mrs. Carmichael," Ezra called after her.

When the door closed with a resounding clatter, Ezra let out the deep breath he had been holding.

'Why did Mr. Belmont have to leave now, of all times? It's flu season, for goodness sake! And leaving me in charge of the shop? He knows my people skills are…'

He was interrupted yet again by another customer, this time a young, fair-haired woman. Judging by the quality of her clothes, she wasn't particularly wealthy, but her dress was neat and in good condition.

"How may I help you today?"

She visibly swallowed. "It's my son. He's sick, and–"

"Miss…"

"Barnett," she finished.

"Miss Barnett, perhaps a physician would suit your needs better?"

She flushed, before giving a jerky shake of her head.

"I, erm, can't pay for a doctor. My husband, he… well," she trailed off.

Ezra pinched the bridge of his nose, and sighed. If this woman couldn't afford a physician, chances were she wouldn't be able to get the medicine she needed, and he really didn't need that on his conscience.

"So, what are your son's symptoms?"

The woman's face briefly lit up before immediately turning ashen.

"High fever," she answered. "He's so young, and fragile, and I don't–I don't think," the blonde woman abruptly stopped and sniffed.

'Please don't start crying, please don't start crying, please don't start crying,' Ezra silently pleaded.

"Yarrow," he said suddenly.

She lifted her head and looked at him, eyes red from unshed tears.

"Yarrow. It's used to lower fevers, and you can use it with peppermint or ginger for stronger effects. I can't do much without an actual prescription, but–"

"Thank you, oh thank you!" The woman cried.

Ezra gave an awkward smile, before taking the few steps to the cabinet over to the side. He opened one of the drawers, and pulled out a glass vial filled with murky liquid. Measuring and crushing yarrow, ginger, and a few other fortunately common herbs, he carefully transferred the mixture from the mortar to the vial. The woman stood by and watched silently as he worked.

With a few stirs, the liquid turned a muddy blue, and Ezra carefully corked the potion.

"This is a fever reducing solution, and a rather potent one at that. How old is your son?"

"He just turned two."

"Is he fully human?"

She nodded.

Ezra let out a sigh of relief. The Fae on their own were hard enough to find proper doses for, much less halflings.

He furrowed his brows. "For children that young… hmm." After doing some quick mental calculations, he nodded, and picked up a fountain pen and a scrap of paper. He wrote the dose and instructions in neat, looping script, and folded the slip.

"Thank you so much!" the woman said excitedly after he handed her the solution and paper. "Though, I can't pay you much…"

"It's fine," he waved. "Just take it. You need that money more than I do."

"But–"

"I said don't worry about it."

The woman left the shop exactly one potion richer, and from her gait, much happier as well.

The rest of the day's orders went by without a hitch, but Ezra was exhausted by the end of it.

"I'll never understand how people can socialize for hours at a time, really," he sighed as he wiped down the counter. William, the assistant, had called in sick today, so Ezra had to do everything himself.

"Mr. Hartwell?" a quiet voice came from the open doorway.

The postman was there, a hand in his hair and a sheepish expression on his face.

"Yes?"

The postman rummaged around in his bag, and pulled out a pair of letters. Holding them out to Ezra, he stated, "Two letters for you."

Ezra eyed them curiously, before gingerly taking the envelopes.

"Thank you," he said.

The postman gave a quick nod before striding out the door. Ezra's gaze followed him as he leaped into the air, arms seamlessly shifting into wings, and flew off.

Locking the door, Ezra turned off the lamps and activated the security runes throughout the room.

'Check, check, and check,' Ezra thought in satisfaction. Taking the still-lit oil lamp, Ezra climbed upstairs to his room.

'Well, it won't be my room for much longer, I suppose,' he thought wistfully.

There was less than a year left in his seven-year apprenticeship, so he would soon have to leave the place that had been his home since he was fourteen, and start making his own way in the business.

He set the lamp on his oak desk, and placed both envelopes next to each other. Ezra eyed the first letter. It was from someone named Marcus Perry, and both the ink on the envelope and the paper looked to be expensive and of high quality.

'Marcus Perry, huh. I've heard that name before. He's some big artifact collector, I think.'

Taking a letter opener, Ezra neatly sliced through the paper of the first envelope, and unfolded the letter.

"Mr. Ezra Hartwell,

I write to you to extend my invitation to afternoon tea this Sunday at 4 o'clock. I hope to discuss a possible business opportunity you might be interested in. My good friend, and your teacher, Fabian Belmont has praised your abilities as a botanist and apothecary, and I have to admit, I'm quite curious. Please reply whether you will be attending as soon as possible. I hope you consider my offer.

Sincerely,

Lord Marcus Perry"

'Mr. Belmont has never mentioned this man before,' Ezra mused.

'Well, he doesn't get back for a while yet, and William said he'll be well enough to work then, so I suppose I could go.'

Before writing a response, however, he picked up the second letter. This one was from Mr. Belmont himself; the paper was crinkled and the ink faded from the long journey it must have taken to get to him. He opened the envelope, and his eyes scanned his teacher's neat, small script.

"Ezra,

I hope that you are successfully keeping up the shop on your own and that you remain in good health, what with it being that time of year after all."

Ezra resisted the urge to scoff. 'Successfully keeping up the shop on your own', he says! Well, certainly no thanks to your ever so well-timed trip.'

Silently fuming, he continued to read the letter.

"I was discussing things with my old friend Marcus when you came up into the conversation, and he thought of a fabulous business proposition for you. He should send you a letter soon with more details, and I hope you make the smart decision."

"Smart decision?" Ezra asked aloud. "Is he joking?"

Well, knowing him, probably not.

"Anyway, I am pleased tell you that I will be returning soon, so you won't have an excuse to complain anymore, as I'm sure you have been doing."

"What? I haven't been–" Ezra quickly cut himself off.

'Ah. He may have a point,' he grudgingly admitted.

"Just remember this, boy: you have a good head. Use it.

Your teacher,

Fabian Belmont

P. S. There's feverfew tea in the kitchen. I have a feeling you'll need it."

Ezra sighed, and turned his attention from the letter to the soft sound of rain pattering on glass. He had been so engrossed in the letters that he hadn't even noticed it. He slid back his chair and stood up, walking over to the source of the sound, a large window partially obscured by midnight-blue curtains.

Ezra pushed the cloth to the side, and contented himself with watching the raindrops trail down the glass, turning the simple view of the street into an impressionist painting; the bright yellows and oranges of streetlights and the few lamps still lit in windows reflecting across the sea of grey and brown below. Up in the dark and cloudy sky, the lights from airships seemed to mimic the glow of stars.

'I think writing a reply can wait a little while, can't it?'

It was in rare moments like these that the normally dreary, monotonous city felt truly alive. Ezra closed his eyes and took in a deep breath.

He stayed there until the torrent of rain began to lessen, and the clouds parted to reveal a sliver of the moon.

Turning his attention back to Lord Perry's letter, Ezra frowned. He opened a drawer in his desk and pulled out a crisp sheet of paper and a pen. He carefully avoided getting any ink splatters on the page as he wrote his response: he would love to attend, and many thanks for the invitation.

Walking over to the crowded bookshelf that took up most of one wall, he skimmed his fingers across the volumes before finding the book he was looking for.

A Comprehensive List of Magical Artifacts and Their Properties, the 38th edition.

It wasn't the newest edition, as the newer ones omitted artifacts only rumored to exist; the very artifacts that were most interesting. Lord Perry was an artifact enthusiast, so it would do to read up on what was most likely going to be one of the man's favorite topics of conversation.

Ezra skimmed the thick tome, gaze staying a bit longer on the pages he had bookmarked previously. Never dog-eared, though. He couldn't stand the thought of needlessly ruining a perfectly good page when bookmarks were so much better.

All the listed artifacts were under one of three categories: found, confirmed, or mythic. Chances were, Lord Perry would be most interested in the latter two categories, because what use was discussing something already found?

One particular artifact Ezra had yet to bookmark caught his eye.

'The Temporal Heart, eh? It really is a shame it's under 'mythic'. Studying the effects and possible uses of temporal magic would be fascinating.'

He caught his thoughts drifting to one particular use it could have, and shook his head.

'Nothing but a fantasy.

Besides, happy endings and perfect solutions only exist in fiction. I'll just have to find a different way.'

After researching the artifacts in that edition, Ezra took the more interesting ones and went on a search for any additional information from the shelves, wood sagging under the weight of the books.

It was only in the wee hours of the morning that Ezra finally blew out the flame of his oil lamp and went to bed, tomes stacked in no particular order on his desk, with some migrating to the floor.

He dreamt of murky blue potions, crimson gems, and perfect endings.

@ninja_violinist

[Why would I rip it apart?]

I'm not really sure what you're looking for in the ways of critique (I have no idea how to critique, actually) so I'll just give you my thoughts on it I guess?

Overall it was solid. I didn't notice any grammatical or spelling errors in the first read through, which is an immediate plus. The tone of the writing seems quaint, calm, collected, with a few subtle hints at possible further plot points [his "family that doesn't approve of his existence", the idea that he has to move, the whole thing with the Lord, the Temporal Heart, the Fae and the flying postman and airships and stuff like that]. Honestly I'm getting a sort of "Beauty and the Beast" kinda vibe (don't ask me why though).

Ezra's a good character, his characterisation is clear and his motivations established.

Before I move on to the critique aspect, things that I think you could improve on or maybe reconsider, I'd like to start with a little disclaimer: I am in no way trying to be rude or trying to imply that my way is better than your way of doing it. A lot of what I'm about to say is just my experience as a reader, how I would change it or improve it, but know that I'm in no way trying to tell you how to write your story. This just my opinion based on my preferences as a reader/writer, and if you think that I'm wrong you're probably right.

Anyway

First off, I guess one reason I'm being extra critical is because you called this your first chapter. A first chapter is one of the most important chapters there is, it sort of sets the tone for the rest of the book and gives like a preview of what's to come. So I'm not really sure if this is the most effective way to set up the vibe for your story. It feels kind of… tame? there were a few hints of deeper tensions/themes that might resurface later in the story (the Fae?? that's so exciting to me??? This is gold!! I'm already invested in human/Fae interactions and tensions and then that Temporal Heart business I feel like that might be a major plot point) but generally, again, on the surface level it was sort of held back by the character introductions and interactions that seem to only serve to show Ezra off as a character. I guess I'm just not very patient when it comes to exposition, but idk. There's nothing wrong with it per se, I just get the feeling that it may not make for the strongest first chapter.

Plot wise - once again I feel like there's a lot of set up for future story but not much going on in this chapter yet. As far as I can tell, it's basically "slice of Ezra's life, he's happy, kinda grumpy at being left in charge, kinda anxious about the future, studious, oh hey there's this Lord Perry guy". From my perspective, there's a lack of stakes/tension. This sounds really harsh and awful and I swear I don't mean to be awful but it just feels sometimes like I'm expected to care about something without a reason to care about it

Again, Ezra's a great character, but if there's something that I can't find in him it's… drive? Passion? idk he just seems to be chill with everything
For example,
'Well, it won't be my room for much longer, I suppose,' he thought wistfully.
There was less than a year left in his seven-year apprenticeship, so he would soon have to leave the place that had been his home since he was fourteen, and start making his own way in the business.

It's fine the way it is, but at the same time it feels like he's holding back somewhat? Maybe that's just Ezra as a character? Is he naturally more reserved?
Please don't misunderstand, he's a great character, but I just… there's no reason for me as a reader to sympathise with him because he doesn't seem to have any sort of problem with what's going on. Or does he? I'm a bit confused on that.
Sometimes his emotions actually sort of hit me as a surprise, like I wasn't quite on board with how he was feeling about being left alone in the shop because I thought he said it was "perfect" but then suddenly he's complaining that Belmont is gone and annoyed at the constant socialisation, and suddenly he's "silently fuming".
There just doesn't seem to be an immediate tension between what he wants and what he has so I'm left wondering what his story will be about
Honestly this is just me though
Once again, I'm telling you stuff I like to see in a story but maybe that's not the story you want to tell and that's perfectly fine
I'm probably just overanalysing.

Something that's probably just a matter of style is the way he talks to himself? idk that sort of hit me off guard a bit because it seemed like he would just say exposition type things. It didn't really seem like it was a nervous habit or anything, just a way to tell us his characterisation, backstory, and general worldbuilding rather than showing.
Eg: 'Marcus Perry, huh. I've heard that name before. He's some big artifact collector, I think.'
Maybe that would be more effective if it wasn't dialogue? Idk I don't quite understand the effect you're going for here
Honestly just a minor nitpick though, I'm a bit extra like that.

Your writing style and flow were, once again, pretty good. There were a few hiccups in the flow of the writing, with a lot of similar sentence beginnings a la "he did this" "he did that" but generally I like your writing style. Especially your descriptions.
turning the simple view of the street into an impressionist painting; the bright yellows and oranges of streetlights and the few lamps still lit in windows reflecting across the sea of grey and brown below. Up in the dark and cloudy sky, the lights from airships seemed to mimic the glow of stars.
wooooooooo that is some poetic language can I just absorb it via osmosis and just
"an impressionist painting" like YES I know exactly what you mean
Yeah your descriptions really make it for me, they're honestly my favorite

Actually no my favorite bit is the worldbuilding. There are so many glimpses into it and I just LOVE every aspect and how it's so seamlessly added into the narrative. Honestly I reread it like three times to catch all the stuff with security runes and the postman with wings and the Fae and just. Aaaaaah! The way you set up your worldbuilding is just so ingenious I can't even
even in the extract above with the airship
WHAT IS AN AIRSHIP DOING IN A MEDIEVAL ISH TYPE SETTING (?)
I wANT TO KNOW!
AAaaaaah you've already got me invested
I would read this story just to see how you develop your world

TL;DR - Overall I really enjoyed it! [sorry about the essay] [actually though I'm so sorry this is like obscenely long] There were a few minor hiccups in style that I came across, in general I just feel like the tone and voice falls a bit short of doing the rest of the story justice (from what I can tell from the hints you put in there)

(Can I just say
If Lord Perry is the bad guy I'm totally calling it)

Anyway

Thank you for sharing this! sorry once again for the obscenely long and probably mostly incoherent answer

@SprigofThyme

(Sorry about the late reply) Thank you so much for critiquing this mess of a first draft! I've been kind of stuck on what to do, so thanks for some much needed commentary.
Anyway yeah I totally see where you're coming from for all of your points so I'll be getting to fixing those.

You were totally right about the Temporal Heart being a huge plot point; it's kind of the main force that drives the story. And I have a bad habit of dumping exposition before actually getting to the plot (maybe I should just add a prologue that takes place during one of the more exciting bits?) but I dunno.

A big part of Ezra's character is that he's really reserved (this is partly because of his upbringing) so I definitely see why he comes off like that. I mean, I guess I should probably foreshadow his curse or something so that there are actually narrative stakes.

I definitely need to fix some of his internal dialogue because as you saw, it's a bit choppy and strange so thanks for picking up on that :D

I think some of the hiccups in the writing might be because I wasn't particularly motivated while writing this chapter so I kind of stretched it out over a couple of days. And also I'm so happy that you like my descriptions! For the rain impressionism thing I just remember seeing a picture of a window in the rain on the internet, and I went to an Impressionism exhibit quite recently so that's where I got the idea from I guess.

Ok so the setting is actually kind of steampunk-ish so that's where the airship is coming from. It's just that magic is a really big part of this universe so I guess that magic and machines kind of seamlessly work together? Ezra is actually a really talented mage so he generally doesn't focus on the mechanical aspects of the world. The vast majority of the population can use magic, so I tried to incorporate magic without it seeming out of the ordinary? I certainly hope it worked lol

Unfortunately, Lord Perry is not quite the bad guy, though he's not all sunshine and rainbows either. The main antagonist gets introduced waaaayyyyyy later but will get foreshadowed a bunch and the characters will have some run ins with their minions.

Anyway thank you for the "obscenely long and probably mostly incoherent answer" it's a really big help!

@SprigofThyme

After literally 2 years since posting this and about 1.5 years of inactivity, I suddenly remembered about this site's existence, and about the time I posted my attempt at a first chapter on its forums. @ninja_violinist I'm not even sure if you're active anymore, but I wanted to say how much your constructive criticism helped me as a writer. You probably don't even remember me (I wouldn't hold it against you), but you were basically the first person to review my writing, ever. I was 15 when I posted this, and now looking back I can only see highly flawed, repetitive writing, and for a chapter that's only about 2.5k words, it took everything I had not to fall asleep while rereading it. And yet, you managed to find things to compliment, and I still take pride in my descriptions and worldbuilding, I think partly thanks to your critique. It would have been so easy to tear into my writing, but you were so nice about it, and for that I thank you. I've completely restructured the story this first chapter was for, with a different plot, a mostly changed cast of characters, and a tweaked setting, and recently I wrote this new version's first chapter. So, thank you. Thank you for drawing my attention to character consistency and pacing and word flow, and for supporting my descriptions and worldbuilding. I like to think I've grown a lot as a writer these past 2 years, and while some of your criticisms (though worded very gently) may have stung 15-year-old me a little, they definitely helped me a lot.

tl;dr - your constructive criticism was amazing and helped me a lot in my development as a writer these past 2 years.

Thank you.

@ninja_violinist

fhfdhjd I think my grinch heart just swelled three sizes

thank you!! this is the coolest thing to hear!! I just read through what I wrote again and uh. yikes. I guess just as you're cringing a bit about your old writing, I'm certainly cringing about my old critique and how wild and disjointed and partially kinda rude it was. so I'm really glad to hear that it somehow still helped?? It's so cool to hear that stuff I say can actually matter to people, so this genuinely made my entire week.
And, congratulations on your writing growth!! I'm sure you've come a long way since this (though I stand by all the positive things I said? I wasn't just saying them to be nice or anything, I genuinely thought and think that those were excellent aspects of your writing) and it's so cool to hear that you've developed this story and all its points even further. All the best with that as you keep going!

(also, I saw you say that this was two years ago, then I scrolled up and it was written in 2018 and I just????? when did that happen????? why and how is 2018 two years ago???? who authorized that?? can we go back)