Carbon
Hello everyone. I've got the beginnings of a story I would like to like to continue but I really need some feedback on how it sounds as of current. Please be as harsh as you can as I really need to know how you feel. It is around 3-4 pages and I'm currently in the middle of a fight scene and trying to determine how to get from point A to B. Anyways here it is:
" The sound of rain was deafening. Water was pouring downing in torrential sheets of freezing cold bullets, soaking through clothing and feathers alike. That meant it was high time to find somewhere to hole up and wait this out. My leather trench coat was standing up to most of the abuse from the storm, but my socks and boots were another story. Wind whipped around me, pulling at my clothes and holsters, forcing them to lash around in a sort of dance. It may have been interesting to watch, had it not been making me increasingly less dry. A particularly strong gust caught my coat and caused the sheathed sword on my back to flail and the raven on my shoulder to squawk in annoyance. It then turned to me and poked me in the neck.
“I understand you’re getting wet. So am I, you know.”
Squawk.
“I’m working on it. I want somewhere the roof won’t fall in, especially on our heads.”
The raven turned her head and blinked at me once, before looking around, inspecting the nearby buildings through the rain. I watched her for a second, then, I too began squinting through the downpour in search of a decent shelter. It took a few tries, but we eventually found a small, slightly worn house on one of the side streets. It looked as if no one had been inside for months, which is to be expected with some crazy disease running amok for a couple years. The house itself looked in usable condition from the outside and after clearing a growth of ivy off the back door, we cautiously entered. Immediately, the raven and I began a thorough search of each room of the house. You always have to be careful when entering a new residence. Sometimes people got locked in rooms or closets by concerned or unaware friends and families. This thing that had been affecting humanity had done very different things to different people, even in family groups. Some gained sort of “powers”, some weaker, some stronger, while others had received far worse. Others who had changed into things no longer human; twisted and deformed creatures from nightmare, each unique and grotesque. You never knew what you might come across while trespassing. Fortunately for us, the house was deserted. After every room and closet was searched, I made my way back to the living room. The raven was already there, standing on the back of an armchair close to an old fireplace. She cawed softly to get my attention, fluttering across to a small stack of split logs. She looked at me and I smiled.
“Good idea. It’s freezing out there. Why don’t you change while I deal with the fire? Feathers are great but you might warm up a little better, no? There’s a shirt on the back of the couch that should fit you.” I motioned towards an old sofa facing the fireplace. “If you give me your sweater I can hang it up by the fire.”
She cocked her head and gave me a look before gliding to the couch.
“Don’t worry. I won’t look while you change. I know you don’t want me to see. I just want you to know that you have nothing to be ashamed about. I don’t judge. You know that.” I said, building the fire. While I crouched, my back to the couch, I could hear the gentle patter of bare feet and a zipper being undone. Then the rustle of cloth and the squeak of the sofa, followed by a light cough.
“So am I ok to turn around now?”
“That depends.” A soft female voice responded “Will you make dinner?”
I turned towards the speaker. No longer was there a raven, but a young woman with long dark hair, green eyes and fair skin sitting sideways on the couch. She was wearing the shirt I found, a red heavy metal band shirt and her black short shorts. I took the black hoodie from her and hung it from the chair with my own coat and sword.
“I always make something. Why don’t you make it?”
She gave me another look. “I would but you always complain when I do.”
“Well maybe you shouldn’t burn it then.” I teased, winking at her. She stuck out her tongue and I chuckled. “I’ll see what I can find, although, I must warn you. It might just be soup again.”
“That’s because the only thing you know how to make is soup.” She retorted, winking back. I held up my hands in mock defeat. “Alright. You caught me. I—“, Suddenly alert, I stopped. As quickly and quietly as I could, I reached over and drew my sword, a hand and a half bastard, out of the sheath. Raven was already crouched on the floor, dagger drawn, listening hard. Sound was coming from the back door. It was very similar to the noise fingernails make scratching against wood. Great. One of those freaks had found us. It was impossible to tell what it was based on the auditory data we received, especially through the clamor of the storm. We moved toward the hall leading to the back door, both scarcely breathing, listening hard. Scratching continued as whatever it was explored the door with its fingers, followed by the noises that usually accompanied the opening of a door.
Shit. I forgot to lock the door. I shot Raven an apologetic look as we both raised our blades, ready. I moved into the hallway towards the now open door, Raven shadowing me. As we approached I could hear whatever it was breathing; heavy and rasping intakes. Whatever it was, it wasn’t human anymore. I angled my head trying to determine what I would be going up against. Sounds of wet cloth dragging across the floor were punctuated by the clacks and scraping of long nails. My guess was that it couldn’t walk upright; only drag itself around using its arms. Fun. That either meant that it would be comically easy to stab it through the brain or it would be extremely difficult to keep my lower extremities from being mutilated. What an exciting prospect. And of course I had to deal with it, as it was me who didn’t lock the door. I glanced back at Raven and mouthed, ‘Do I have to?’ She smirked slightly and nodded. I sighed and raised my sword higher and peered around the corner into the other room. The sight wasn’t a pretty one. I have to admit none of them are but this one took the cake. Obviously the disease favored the thing’s nails, although I couldn’t really call them nails anymore. More like knives. Curved, six inch, razor sharp knives. My original hypothesis had been correct, as it dragged its useless legs behind it. The arms it was using to drag itself were long and spindly with too many joints, like a spider’s. From what I could see, it must have been carnivorous. Blood covered the chin and neck, probably its most recent meal. I pulled my head back and began to scan the hallway. I was hoping to find out two things. How intelligent it was and how fast it could move. I found something that would suit my purpose. A small glass pebble from a flower vase. Being careful not to expose myself, I tossed the glass into the room. I heard it tack off the back wall and the sounds of the creature moving. I took a chance and snuck a look inside the room to watch. The creature had turned and was hauling itself across the floor at a terrifying speed.
In that moment I made my decision. As stealthily as I could I began to creep towards that monstrosity, sword poised. It was at that moment I was betrayed. The floorboard creaked under my foot and ruined my surprise. The creature’s head snapped around, giving me a good look at its face. Eyes yellow and bloodshot, clouded by cataracts. Gray skin that stretched too tight across the face gave it the appearance of a skull. Its hair was long, covered in thick layers of blood and grime and falling out in large chunks. Gore covered its face and neck, while pieces of flesh hung, caught between rotting yellow teeth like shards of broken glass.
It was so grotesque that it made me pause in my attack. Its jaws opened wide almost unhinging and it unleashed a scream that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. A scream full of rage and bloodlust; the kind of hellish noise that stops your heart cold and haunts your dreams for the rest of your life. It capitalized on my hesitation and lunged towards me, claws extended.
Instinct took over. I hurled myself aside, awkwardly rolling to my feet. Trying to dodge; gathering my wits, trying to prepare. It hurtled toward me, a demon hell-bent. Steel shrieked and sparks flew as we collided, claws against sword. It swung again and I leapt back. Snarling, I returned fire aiming for its neck. Raising a grotesque hand, it stopped the blade, closing its fingers around the sword. It was trying to wrench it from my grasp. Having none of it, I struck, driving the pommel into its nose. I then drove my knee into its chin, causing its head to snap back. Immediately I drove my sword down between its neck and collarbone. It twitched and then was motionless. With a wet squelch, I yanked the sword from its corpse and the body slumped to the ground. I turned and smile at Raven. It was over.
“See? That wasn’t so bad. I—“ I stopped, mouth dry. Sounds of bones cracking and popping were coming from the body. The body that was supposed to be dead. I spun on my heel and stood ready.
The corpse had pushed itself up on one hand and seemingly pulled its head back to where it was supposed to be. “Persistent bastard, aren’t ya?” I spat. “Alright then. Bring it on, freak!” It screeched in response and hauled ass towards me, claws raking the floor. I stepped to the side and swung low, shouting, “FORE!”
It saw my stance shift and tried to alter its course and defend itself, raising its claws. Oddly enough it is rather difficult to change direction mid-air. My blade tasted blood again, biting into the flesh just behind wrist, severing its hand completely.
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it pounced, throwing its whole body toward me. Before I could act, it slammed into my chest. I stumbled under the impact, and promptly tripped over the door mat. Air rushed from my lungs as my back slammed to the floor and the creature landed on top of me. My sword flew from my hand and slid across the floor. Gasping for breath, I tried to sit up and fight. I managed to catch hold of one of its wrists and I tried to throw it off. Its weight and long arms was impossible to move without better leverage. I made a grab for the other wrist before it could shank me, but a thick rope of bloody saliva slid between its jaws and into my eyes. Blinded and in pain, I did all I could to wipe the disgusting mixture out of my eyes with one hand. With the other still gripping its wrist I squeezed with all my might and felt it pop and heard the scream of pain. My eyes cracked open, still blurred from the sludge and made out the shadow of the other arm I didn’t have hold of. Too late I saw knifelike fingers slicing the air towards my head. Searing pain lanced across my face and I could feel blood begin to pour from the wound. I screamed in agony, the gash burning white hot. It was like someone taking a flaming knife to my skin. I wasn’t going to win this. I had to risk the noise. Still fighting to buck the creature off and maintain consciousness through the pain, I reached for the holster on my right thigh. I felt the cool metal of the grip and drew. Despite everything else happening the .45 released smoothly and I felt it’s cold, comforting weight. Before I could raise it however, I felt the weight of the creature lessen. I tried to open my eyes but my vision was obscured as my left eye was covered in blood. Squinting through the haze of blood, saliva and pain, I saw Raven drive her knife into its temple, pulling it sideways off of me.
“You look like shit.” She said, bending down and looking at my face. She moved some of my hair out of the wound and grimaced. She quickly wiped her knife on the destroyed clothing of the now properly dead corpse and proceeded to cut open my shirt.
“At least take me to dinner first..” I groaned weakly.
She smirked and replied. “It’s for your face, dummy. Give me your arm.” I raised hand and she helped me to my feet, putting my arm over her shoulders. “Hold this. I’ll make sure you don’t walk into any walls.” Holding what used to be my shirt on my face, I let her escort me back to the living room. Her voice softened, “You’re going to need stiches. Sit down. I’ll be right back.” I slumped onto the couch, holding the cloth to my head. Raven ducked from the room and returned a minute later with a needle and thread."
That's what I have so far. Sorry for the long post but I really appreciate the help guys!
