forum LotR Fan-fic Critique/Beta-Reader Needed
Started by @SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group
tune

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@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

Hello my fellow notebookers! I worked on a LotR fanfic with one of my friends, and need to have someone beta-read/critique it.

Note 1: I need this done because I am planning on re-writing the story as a new story in and of itself. I figured that it might help with the re-write…. Please don't hold anything back, be as brutal as you want to.

Note 2: I have only read The Hobbit and have watched the movies. It was my friend that made the original a LotR fanfic, I was just helping write it.

Please don't hold anything back, and feel free to write down any and all questions you have, even if said questions get answered. I also ask that you go chapter by chapter.
NOTICE: There's around 40 or so chapters, so you're gonna have to have time to go through things and keep me updated.

@ninja_violinist

Hey there! I'm generally interested in betaing, but it's been a while since I read LotR and I'm not sure how much I remember. Would it be okay if I read one chapter just to see if I have any idea what's going on, and if I do then I'll critique the entire thing? I just don't want to fully commit to 40 chapters only to realise that I have no idea what's going on and how to critique it.

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

Alexa, Simon Says
CHAPTER 1
Everything was black. Everyone was running, screaming.
“Run Fala!” my mother yelled. I raced to the horses as my father prepared my horse.
“I need you to take them to the safe hold,” my father said. I stared at him.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Fala, don’t look back; never look back,” he said, handed me the reins, and pulled me into a hug. I swung into the saddle.
“Don’t look back,” my father whispered as I rode off into the dark with the others. It took five days of riding until we reached the safe hold.
“HALT!” an elven guard yelled. I pulled the group into a stop.
“Who are you?” the guard asked.
“I am Fala; Princess of the Forest Elves.”
“What is your business here?” he asked.
“We are looking for shelter; our homes were attacked in the middle of the night,” I responded.
“You may enter,” the guard said. I unmounted my horse, and lead my people in.
“FALA!” Lilly yelled, seeing me. She was my aunt. I walked past her, leading my horse into the stables. I walked out to see her standing there.
“Fala, where are-?”
“Dead; they stayed behind,” I said, removing my cloak. She stared at me. I hadn’t seen my aunt in years.
“You’re so grown up; your hair,” she said. My hair was black, brown and red. I had grown up, and now I would become the leader.
“We need to call a meeting of the Elven Council. Can you do that?” I asked. My aunt nodded, and I headed to a room to change. I searched through my old clothes, only finding jeans and a shirt; it would have to do. I braided my hair, and traced the scar on my arm. I wouldn’t look back; I would move on.
“Fala, they’re ready,” I went out to the Great Room.
“Hello Fala,” Peter said, seeing me.
“I’m not here on a social visit,” I said as I opened the Great Doors. The Elders turned. Seeing me, a great uproar occurred; The Council never really approved of me.
“Why is she here?” one of them yelled.
“LISTEN! My parents are dead. I am now in charge of my people, and I am going to declare war!” I said. I would not let them beat me down.
“YOU CAN’T DECLARE WAR; YOU’VE NO ARMY!” Lilly yelled.
“I do not need an army. Those who will follow me are welcome; those who wish to stay at peace may stay,” I snapped.
“And how do you plan to declare war?” Tritain asked.
“In an hour I will be riding out. I will come across the camp, and will kill all but one. That one survivor will return to its kind with a message,” I announced.
“You are destructive!” Lilly yelled. I turned on her.
“At least I can get things done without cowering behind others; asking them for help,” I stated.
“You can’t do this!” Lilly snapped.
“I don’t need your permission,” I said back. The Elders knew that once I had a plan I wouldn’t stop until it was done.
“Fala, you may do what you want,” Evon said.
“Thank you,” I said, bowing and walking out.
“Are you insane?” Peter yelled behind me.
“No.”
“You could die!”
“Thanks for the warning,” I said as I opened the stable door.
“Fala, you can’t,” he says grabbing my shoulder. I turned on him, and put my knife to his throat.
“I will, and I can. I trusted them, and thought that they were my friends. This is my fault, and now I’m going to fix it!” I said. He stared at me as I removed the knife from his throat. I mounted Raka. She was my friend, and the fastest horse we had. Other than the white moon on her forehead, she’s pitch black.
“Fala,” Peter pleaded. He reached for my hand, but I kicked Raka into a run.
I unmounted Raka as I found the camp, and she runs off. I pulled my cloak’s hood up around my face, and raced into the camp. I grabbed a piece of burning wood, tossed it on to the nearest tent, and watched as it erupted into flames. I held my sword at the ready as people came running out.
“Kill all but one!” I ordered.
“P-please don’t,” A boy pleaded.
“Tell your leader that she has sparked a war that will end in her death!” I say. As I turn, the boy goes to attack me. I spin around; slicing his hand off. I whistled and Raka came running to me. I swung onto her back.
“Tell your leader that she has been warned!” I yelled while riding off back to the safe hold.
“You have an army Fala,” Peter says. I look at him.
“What do you mean?”
“We’re willing to follow you to the death, My Lady,” Dread (Gae) says.
“How many?” I ask.
“There’s 15 of us. Me, Dread, and some of your people that followed your parents,” Peters says.
“Bring only what you need; we leave in two days,” I order.

@ninja_violinist

Hey so I looked it over and I think I could probably work with this if you want me to! I really like the premise of your story so far!
I've added a bit of inline feedback in this google doc, so I guess you could look that over and see if my critiques make sense. If you don't like my critiquing style, or if I'm too harsh, please let me know! I'm always open to feedback on how I give feedback since I feel like I can be overly harsh sometimes.
If you read it and realise that you prefer not to work with me for whatever reason, that's totally okay too. Whatever is helpful to you works for me - whether that's me reading the 40 chapters or not.
Thanks so much sharing this with me! I enjoyed it

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

Note: I don't know what the words in Elvish mean, and I didn't start helping my friend write this until chapter 6.
CHAPTER 2
Two days had passed, and I stood at the gate.
“You’re going to die!” Lilly snapped.
“Then I’ll die for a reason,” I said back.
“Tritain only lets you because she hopes you’ll die.”
“Then let her hope; I’ll survive,” I said back.
“You’re an idiot!”
“No. Not even close. That would be you!”
“We’re all ready Fala,” Peter said, coming up to me. I walked away with him, mounted Raka, and lead my small army off in silence until we reached our first stop.
“Fala?” Dread asked me curiously.
“Yes?”
“Why did we stop in a human place?”
“Because it’s safe here,” I mouthed as they all headed into an inn. I took the horses and took them around back. A hand touched my shoulder, and I spun around.
Deldir?” I said. He smiled.
“Remove your hand,” I said, and he did.
“I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.” He said with a smile.
“Leave me alone.”
“Come on,” He said.
“I said leave me alone!” I snapped. He grabbed me, pinned me against a wall, and stood inches away from me.
“What happened to the Fala that I knew?” He said. I could see Dread coming.
“She became a leader,” I whispered.
“Oh? I highly doubt that anyone would follow you!” Deldir whispered. Dread grabbed him.
“Is he bothering you?” Dread asked while holding him off the ground.
“Yes he is. Thank you,” I said.
“Put me down!” Deldir yelled.
“Should I put him down?” Dread asked.
“Over a cliff would be nice…. Wait, on the other hand, put him down,” I respond to Dread, who put Deldir down. He walked away. “That’s why we’re here Dread; he’s gonna lead us straight to our target,” I said.
“Should I get the others?” Dread asked.
“No. This is a job for me and you. Deldir has a habit of drinking too much,” I said.
“Ahh,” Dread said.
“Why don’t we follow him?” I said. We followed Deldir to the inn. “Keep your distance,” I mouthed to Dread, who nodded. He blended in with the rest, and I sat down at a table where one of Deldir’s men sat down.
“Do I know you?”
“Maybe?” I said with a smile.
“I do know you! You’re the girl that Deldir kidnapped, and then gave that scar-!”
“You have a good memory.” I say, cutting him off. He smiled proudly.
“You come back to see him?”
“Why yes, I did!” I said with a smile. He got up, headed over to Deldir, whispered something into his ear, and pointed to me. I waved at Deldir as he walked over.
“So, your bodyguard is off duty?” Deldir asked.
“Maybe,” I responded.
“Well, why are you here Fala?” He said while sitting down.
“I need information,” He looked at me for a minute.
“On what?”
“A person named Tritain,” I said.
“I thought she was on the Elven Council?”
“She is.”
“Well, why are you looking for information on her?”
“Because she’s the one who lead an attack on my family.”
“How do you know this?”
“I know this because she pretended to have her daughter become my friend, and then she herself pretended to be a friend to my parents.”
“Wait. What?” Deldir asked while leaning forward across the table.
“When I got away from you, and went back home there was this girl. She was short, and had short brown hair. I became friends with her, and thought she was actually my friend until she started yelling at me one day; saying that everything was my fault…. I later found out that she was Tritain’s daughter.”
“Oh hell. What was her name?”
Daeris,” I whispered.
“I know her; she was in here the other day looking for someone named Dread.”
“Why?”
“She said something about him owing her.”
“What does he owe her?”
“Owed her his life or something,” Deldir said, watching my facial expressions which never really changed.
“How did he owe her his life?”
“Said she saved him from dying.” Could I trust Dread? Could I trust Deldir? Who could I trust? I stood up suddenly when I saw the boy with the missing hand talking to Dread.
“Deldir, I’m going to do something,” I whispered, grabbed Deldir, shoved him out of his chair, and held a knife to his throat.
“You know if you wanted to-,” I hit him in the face before he could finish his sentence. Deldir’s men lurched forward, trying to get to him. I leaned down, and put my mouth next to his ear.
“Omenta fui tulwe,” I whispered, and took off. I mounted Raka, and left a note for Peter. I knew Deldir would come with the one-handed boy. I got to the pillar at the top of a the hill, and took everything off of Raka; telling her to stay close, and to only come when I whistled. Come midnight I lay hiding. When I heard Deldir he tossed the one-handed boy into the light. I walked forward from my hiding spot.
“Thank you Deldir for bringing me the one-handed idiot.”
“What do I get in return?”
“Um. Living!” He stared at me.
“What, it’s fair that I let you live!”
“That’s not at all fair.”
“It is too!” Deldir sighed and left. I picked the one-handed boy up, and tied him to the pillar.
“Mankoi lle Dread. Cora a’kwentra ho tanya a plan.” The boy responds. “Mani? Ndengina lle,” The boy says. I unsheathed my knife, and slit the boy’s throat. I started to walk away towards the woods when I heard Dread. He was yelling, and I started to run. My feet barely touched the ground as I ran.
“I WILL KILL YOU FALA!” Dread yelled into the darkness. I already knew that he would try.

@ninja_violinist

Inline feedback here! Apologies if anything is unclear or unnecessarily rude, I'm just commenting as I go.
I have to say I'm slowly getting lost in all the action…

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

Hopefuly things improve when you get to chapter 6. Keep doing what you've been doing! :-)

Though I do have to say that the 'sanwich method' helps (good, bad, good). I use this for when I critique things myself. I point out some things that were enjoyable, go to things that I had problems with (giving suggestions on how to fix them), and cap it off with more enjoyable things. I find that it leaves the person that I'm critiqueing for less hurt from what I say in the middle.

Yeah, like I said, I didn't officially start helping my friend with this until chapter 6, where my character makes his first appearance. Thanks for taking the time to read this! Hopefully it'll help for the rewrite!
Also, I never said that the story itself was finished. Sorry if I mislead ya; I didn't mean to!