forum LittleBear and Hollydraws read each other's stories because writing buddies are amaze

Started April 12, 2018 by @Oakiin

tune

OMG Thanks so much for this critique, it made my heart so warm and I was having a kind of (do you mind cursing?) day. And honestly I like these types of critiques that get into the analysis of the characters and the work. This was SUPER helpful. And I feel that with the assignments. I literally have 6 tests/projects/papers due this week…. yay for sleep deprivation. But don't worry about "deadlines", that is the last thing I want to be.

Oh and super sorry if I seemed terse in my last post, its been a hella stressful week.

Aww, so glad I could make your day a little brighter!! (No, I don't mind swearing at all >w<)
Okay, good to hear, I wanna make sure you're getting the most out of these! :D
Haha yeahh….I hate the last days of school TwT
But wow, you're waaaaay busier then I am, heckin good luck!! If you want, I can hold off on posting my next bit til you're more free? Anything I can do to help out with your workload
I'm glad you don't mind my being late on some of these things. It's something I really struggle with, and I'm working really hard to get stuff done in a timely fashion :)

And no worries! :) I figured you must have been busy, and you didn't sound terse at all!

Here are the major changes that I made based on your critiques, and also a question.
SO question -
I made this edit:
From:

I leapt forward and tacked the intruder, pinning him to the ground with my body. My knife was at his throat when we passed by a street lamp and the yellow glow peaked through the curtains. There was no Adam’s apple. They sent a woman to kill me. How could I defend myself from a woman?

To:

I leapt forward and tacked the intruder, pinning him to the ground. My knife was at his throat when we passed by a street lamp and the yellow glow peaked through the curtains. There was no Adam’s apple. They sent a woman to kill me. I would never lay a hand on a woman. How on Earth could I defend myself without harming her?

My intent is to show that he would be more than happy to kill anyone who threatened him, but he can't stomach the idea of even hitting a woman - not that he fears her. Does this edit do that?
From:

“H-How did you get here?” I stammered.
“I will answer all of your questions, but first let us deal with your kidnappers.”

To:
“H-How did you get here?” I stammered. “Were you seen? How do you know who I am? ”
“My lord, your house emeralds are hard to miss.” She was right, I was not making a good impression.“I will answer all of your questions, but first let us deal with your kidnappers.”

Little bit of clarification, all twelve of the houses have gems/colors that signify what house they belong to and that they are a part of the Pravaci Court. Those that are affiliated with those houses wear the house colors but not the gems.

I added this little section to explain why she helped Stris.

“Why?” I asked.
She paused for a moment and seemed to be considering her words carefully. She looked away and shifted her feet slightly, as if uncomfortable. “That day in the courthouse seemed odd to me. I could not rest until I understood it and so I may have looked into your family afterwards. When I saw your colors, I could not help but intervene.”
Each answer just brought forward more questions.

Also here is something else I wrote that was no on the original thread that you read. It is the flash back excerpt that is going to be either in a prequel or very early on in the book as they grow up. I'm thinking this may even be the opening scene…. idk

The two weaved through the crowds and seemed extraordinarily unremarkable. Since she had demanded to be put down earlier, he held his daughter's hand as she walked beside him. She looked about five or six and even though her face was obscured underneath her hood, it could be seen that she was a pretty child. The rain drizzled on the city streets and the citizens hurried on their way, all of them huddling under their cloaks.

“Papa” She asked, “will Kraio be alight? He looked so pale.”

He turned to her, picked her up, and placed her on his hip. “Nati, your brother will be perfectly fine as long as we finish our task. Now do you remember what I told you about being in the city?”

She nodded solemnly and whispered, “In the city we have to be like spies and spies have to be sneaky and silent.” He kissed her cheek and nodded.

They stepped up to the Apothecaries’ window, grateful for the awning’s shelter from the rain. With his back turned to Natiselle, Erion began describing Kraiotan’s symptoms to the little man inside. Natiselle took this time to watch all of the people go by. This was nothing like the main street in Holvim, They were moving so urgently, everyone here looked as if they had very important places to be. The mix of different people baffled young Natiselle, the range in clothes – from laborers worn rags, full of patches to the fine garments of important looking ladies under big umbrellas.

Natiselle was especially captivated by a sleek carriage that rolled to a stop just in front of the apothecary. It was black and covered in ornate gold filigree, and, it was hard to tell, but it seemed as if it was also covered in emeralds. The door swung open with abandon and Natiselle could hear the shrill sound of a woman scolding someone. A boy around her age appeared in the door, his face turned to the woman inside. He must have been nervous, for not two seconds passed before the trinket the boy was fiddling with slipped from his fingers.

She watched as the pretty little box tumbled down the steps of the carriage and rolled to her feet. She bent down to pick it up when she noticed how frantic the boy looked as he jumped out of the carriage. As she stood up and held out the box to him, her hood slipped off and shiny black curls bounced around her face. She squinted at him. Little Strisen had never seen a face so sweet. He stood there dumbfounded before he noticed the box and snatched it from her fingers.

“Thanks,” He said hastily, realizing that his nanny would scold him if she saw.

Usually, Natiselle would have said something snarky in the way that only children can. But, she was too stunned by how closely this boy resembled Kraiotan, almost exactly except for the color of his hair. Her mouth fell into a little “o” and she would have said something if Erion had not whisked her up into his arms. With the ease befitting spymaster, he slipped into the crowd.

Strisen tried to see where the bearded man and the little girl went. But in that moment the clouds decided to retreat and with the sun in his eyes, she was gone. “Come Strisen. Stop being naughty, we have to go to your lessons.” His nanny chided as she steered him in the opposite direction.

“Papa, who was that?” Natiselle asked Erion, whispering shakily into his ear. He reached over and pulled her hood up.

“Who are you talking about?” He asked her, the pit of his stomach sinking as he thought of how this would traumatize her.

“The boy. The one who looked like Kraio. With the white hair.” At Erion’s silence, Natiselle began to panic. “Papa don’t say that, you’re scaring me.” He stayed mum for a beat. “Nati, darling, there was no boy.”

She almost kicked him with her little legs. “Papa, he was there! He had a little box!”

“How much did he look like Kraio?” He asked her, hating himself every step of the way.

“Just like him,” she whispered as wrapped her little arms around Erion, “but he had white hair, just like old lady Camran.” She felt Erion stiffen and she grew a little louder in her fright. “Papa! What are you not saying?”

“Shh, quiet my little spy.” He took a breath and wondered how dearly he would pay for this in the future. “It just means that we need to get back to Kraio faster. We have what we need, I know I promised you I would take you to see the fountains, is it all right it we come back another day?” Little Natiselle burst into tears.

“Yes Papa! I want to go back now! I know that I fight with him all the time but I don’t mean it. I – I, I – don’t want to see the Kraio ghost again.” She was close to a full on wail.

He put a protective hand on her back, “We will get there in time. Don’t worry.”

((On the road))
“Maybe don’t tell Kraio you saw his spirit. I think he’s been through enough, wouldn’t you say?” Erion asked Natiselle and she gave him a very serious nod.
((After three day’s ride they finally arrive home, to be written later))

When they did eventually get back to the house, Natiselle ran straight to Kraiotan’s bedside and threw herself on top of him, causing him to cough in surprise. She hugged him with all of her little might and stammered “D-don’t ever do that again. You’re not allowed to be sick anymore,” she hiccuped, “who will I play with?”

Kraio, confused and very feverish, patted her little head and wheezed, “Get off me fatty, I can’t breathe.”

She leapt off him and wipped her eyes with her fists. “You get to be mean just because you’re almost dead.”

Hey! :D
Sorry about the late reply, still figuring out time stuff so I actually have time to do the things I want >w<
I'm working on a critique that I hope to have done very soon! :)

As far as the edits you made, I liked them! They were really good :)

Here's the next little bit of mine :3

This is ridiculous, as that was over three thousand years ago, and no man, beast, or goddess can survive that long on hatred alone.

You may wonder why, in all things wholesome, I am telling you this story, of a land beyond a land, so far away from young Java. The truth be told, I cannot spoil it for you as of this moment. You will soon learn why, I’m sure, and you will be grateful I kept my pen silent about it, for I could have ruined this whole story by telling.

However, I believe it is time to return to Java, as he will have grown enough for me to start telling his story without boring you. Time, as it often did long ago, travels much quicker than today’s age, and he is now in his earliest of twenties, a fine, noble age for a young king-to-be.

He had grown into a quiet, slightly brusque, wise, loyal and courageous fellow. He was, being royalty, a bit haughty, and had a holier-than-thou air to him when talking to others, but he had a kind heart, and a beautiful (if rare) smile. He had few friends amongst his own kind, but more amongst animals, specifically his shaggy, white pony, whose name was Snowjon, and who had an attitude twice the size that he was. He was a well bred Edic Throe, one of the finest in the land, and stood at fourteen hands square; sturdy, loyal, hard-working, if a bit prone to biting those he disliked. (You will find that he dislikes almost everyone save Java later on).

Java and Snowjon were practically inseparable, and while Snowjon might not have been a noble drestier like the baroque friesians his family kept, Java refused to part with him.

I must have mentioned to you at a previous point the name of this world, (on re-read I found that I have not), but I will reiterate regardless. From the highest point of Riahc, the far north-east, to the tip of the lands of Hukx, the farthest south-west, the land was spoken of as Etihw Gge. I apologize if that is difficult for one to pronounce, but you must understand that languages were much different to the ones today. But! On with the story. Java and Snowjon were, at the time we catch up to them, travelling through the cold, wintery forest outside their kingdom, which I also may have forgotten to mention the name of. It will show up on no map, but is called Dragga, and is is a good place to want to be, if you are a Java or a Snowjon travelling in the cold, wintery forest right outside of it. They were on no path to speak of, and Java was letting Snowjon choose their route home, as you should often do when you are on no path in a woods. (Ponies, and equines in general have a very good sense of home, and even the most delicate and high-strung ones can pick their way a path if it means a long pasture and some alfalfa at the end).

So they went, the reins loose in Java’s hands as he let his thoughts wander far and wide. In pouches on either side of his cantle were three rabbits, and in the quiver on the pommel was his bow and arrows.

Is this a good size, roughly for these blips? Normally I would make it a little bigger, but that was the best stopping spot before I got into dialogue, so it's a little shorter :)

I swear I haven't forgotten you. Finals are crazy… good luck on yours!

hhhh same! :D I wish you all the best, its okay if you want to wait till they're done I'm probs not going to have hardly anytime for the next couple days, due to a trip we're taking TwT

So finals are finally done! Here are my edits and hopefully I will have something for you soon! Hope that your trip went well!

So here I just took out some things that seem extraneous in Paragraph 1

• “You may wonder why I am telling you this story, of a land beyond a land, so far away from young Java.”
• The “in all things wholesome” is confusing and I am not sure if it fits. Once it is taken out, none of the meaning is lost and it reads cleaner.
• “The truth be told, I cannot spoil it for you.” ‘As of this moment’ makes it seem like you will spoil it later on, before the even happens. I think that you mean the audience will learn about it in due time. So by taking it out, it clears it up.
• “You will soon learn why, I’m sure, and you will be grateful I kept my pen silent about it, for I could have ruined this whole story.”
• I took out the “by telling part” because the added phrase is a little redundant.

Paragraph 2

• However, I believe it is time to return to Java, as he has grown enough for me to start telling his story without boring you. Time, as it often did long ago, travels much quicker than today’s age, and he is now in his earliest of twenties, a fine, noble age for a young king-to-be.
• Turn “he will have” to “has” since (I think) this is third person omniscient (unless it is limited) and by having it be ‘will have’ makes it seem like the narrator is just giving guesses or rough estimates. If you are looking to make him an unreliable narrator then keep going with it, but if he (or she) is meant to be omniscient I would take it out.

Paragraph 3

• “He had grown into a quiet, slightly brusque, wise, loyal and courageous fellow.” – This feels like a laundry list of attributes and gets in the SDT (show don’t tell) arena. I would cut it down to one or two; five seems a little excessive. Let the reader make their own decisions about him.
• “He was, being royalty, a bit haughty, and had a holier-than-thou air to him when talking to others, but he had a kind heart, and a beautiful (if rare) smile.” I would break this into two different sentences:
• “As one would expect from a royal, he was a bit haughty. However, he had a kind heart and a smile that could melt your soul – that is if you were lucky enough to behold it.”
• “He had few friends amongst his own kind, but more amongst animals, specifically his shaggy, white pony, whose name was Snowjon, and who had an attitude twice the size that he was.” Girl, your sentences are murdering my eyeballs again.
• Cut this into two: He had few friends amongst his own kind, but more amongst animals. He especially loved his shaggy, white pony, Snowjon, who had an attitude twice the size that he was.”
• “He was a well-bred Edic Throe, one of the finest in the land, and stood at fourteen hands square; sturdy, loyal, hard-working, if a bit prone to biting those he disliked. (You will find that he dislikes almost everyone save Java later on).” I would just take out the “later on”, that’s implied.

Paragraph 5

• “I must have mentioned to you at a previous point the name of this world, (on re-read I found that I have not), but I will reiterate regardless.” This sentence let the audience know that the narrator is going to be pretty involved in the story telling, but I feel like you have a lot of other sentences that achieve this affect. I would take it out as it doesn’t add anything to the story.
• “From the highest point of Riahc, the far north-east, to the tip of the lands of Hukx, the farthest south-west, the land was spoken of as Etihw Gge.” I love that we get a visible map! The only thing I would change ‘was spoken of as’ to ‘was called’. If my memory serves me right, you haven’t used this phrase before so to use it now feels a little off.
• “I apologize if that is difficult for one to pronounce, but you must understand that languages were much different to the ones today.” I would change the ‘much different to the ones today’ to ‘much different from the ones today’.
• “Java and Snowjon were, at the time we catch up to them, travelling through the cold, wintery forest outside their kingdom, which I also may have forgotten to mention the name of” Take out the ‘which I also may have forgotten to mention the name of. Just get straight to business (to defeat the Huns)
• “It will show up on no map, but is called Dragga, and is is a good place to want to be, if you are a Java or a Snowjon travelling in the cold, wintery forest right outside of it.” First off, you have a double ‘is’ and then the “wintery forest right outside of it” is outside the forest of Dragga? This sentence makes it seem like its forest outside of a forest. I think that maybe this is just a typo?

Paragraph 6

• “So on they went, the reins loose in Java’s hands as he let his thoughts wander far and wide.” I added an “on” that sound more complete I guess? Idk.
• “In pouches on either side of his cantle were three rabbits, and in the quiver on the pommel was his bow and arrows.” By cantle do you mean saddle?

AND the size of that blip was perfect!

Hey! :D Thank you so much! :D I'll have time to properly reply in a few days, sorry again for the delay TwT
Chipping away at yours, but I have two rambunctious nephews demanding my attention 24/7 xD
Hope you're doing well, and thanks for asking about my trip, it's going well! :D (Still can't wait to get home though :3)

Hey, just letting you know I am still alive, I am SUPER BUSY right now (going to bed at 12 waking up at 5 busy) though. So I will not be available until after the 16th!

That's okay!!
tbh I'm really stressed rn, not doing so well mentally, so I don't mind at all :)
Looking forward to your return, however! :D

Hope you feel better, I know we're just internet friends but if you need help you can pm me and I am more than willing to talk

Thanks, that really means a lot. hugs
I'll defiantly keep you in mind, and if you ever need to talk, I'll be here as well <3

(( Hey girly! I'm back for a brief spell (before I head to Germany for a month) and struck with inspiration! So I'm going to upload like a fiend, feel free to critique at your own pace! Thanks so much for being patient with me! Also how are you!))

Erion

The best officers are not made by solely by the brilliance of their maneuvers or the number of battles won, rather by how they regard their soldiers. Severe and tyrannical treatment may be passable in the short term; however, it does nothing to inspire loyalty or discipline – only resentment. There is such a way to motivate men with a proper example of compassion for ones fellow soldier. It is imperative that when giving orders to troops that one does – “Erion!” Eline shook my shoulder and pulled me out of my textbook.

Lady Morn just happened to passing at that moment and her hawkish eyes narrowed as she stopped in her tracks. “Miss Camile, you know better than to shout in the library. Either carry on your conversation elsewhere or stop,” she said sternly and continued on her way.

Eline looked both mortified and furious, her mouth gaping like a fish at Lady Morn’s back. I stifled a snicker as I gathered my books and notes. Gods, I could feel her seething next to me as we left the library.

Eline found her voice the moment the grand doors closed behind us. “Honestly! That woman! I – just, ugh!” she sputtered.

Without thinking, I laughed. I immediately regretted it.

“You think this is funny, do you?” She spat and bumped me with her hip.

I am not proud to say that I stumbled slightly. “Alright, that was in poor taste. I deserve that,” I said as I rubbed my side. “You have such a bony backside. I believe you cut me.”

She shot me a glare for a moment but then broke into a smile. “You are a bony ass.”

“There you go again. Not nice.” I grinned at her as she laughed at me. “Now what was so important that you risked incurring the wrath of Lady Morn?”

“Risked? I did incur her wrath,” She said, rolling her eyes.

“Stop arguing semantics and spit it out Eline,” I teased. But to my surprise instead of a witty comeback, the blood rose to Eline’s cheeks.

Was she okay? Was she sick? Eline never blushed. She tucked a stray strand of blond hair behind her ear with a shaky hand and my concern only grew. There was a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. There was something wrong. What was she hiding?

“Oh, stop being impatient. I will tell you when we get to the courtyard.” She was deliberately not looking at me. Her hand was balled into a fist and it was trembling ever so slightly. Eline was going to tell me something devastating; I could feel it in my bones.

We went the rest of the way to the courtyard in an awkward silence. Thankfully, it was not too much further. I trailed after her as she strode to her favorite bench, the one under the cherry tree. It was in full bloom and a few petals escaped every time the wind blew. She patted the spot next to her and looked up at me expectantly.

I could hear my heart pumping in my ears as I sat next to her. “Yes?” The hairs on the back of my neck were standing on end and looking at her was like trying to look at the sun – unbearable.

Eline looked down at her hands folded carefully in her lap. She was holding them so tightly that her knuckles were white. “It has taken me so long to find the courage to say this so you had better let me finish or the gods themselves will fear my wrath. Understand?”

I nodded.

“Other than my family, you were my first friend. I have made all of my other friends because of your kindness. Without you, I would still be that sullen little girl in the kitchens with her nose stuck in a book, making snide comments about dumb people.”

I could not help myself. “You still do that!” I ribbed.

She hit me, but rewarded me with a smile. “I will end you Uradavi.”

I held up my hands in surrender.

Eline looked off into the distance. “Now, I have a whole group of people who accept me for who I am. Who laugh with me. Who help me dry my tears. Who will support me when I need it. And I them. All because of you. You have given me the world without asking anything in return.” She seemed to find her strength because she turned to me. “I mean at first you just wanted my food, but you have not asked for anything since. Whenever I have something happy or sad to share, I want to run to you. You have become my safe place, my home.” She took a shaky breath and grabbed one of my hands. “You have to promise me that whatever I say will not ruin our friendship. I do not need an answer now, but please do not hide from me. That would break my heart.”

My head was a swirling pool of emotions. Up was down. Left was right. My body was turning to stone. I did not know whether to be relieved or scared. I had thought that someone had died or she was leaving or she had some flesh-eating disease. But, if she was going to say what I think she was going to say – that was almost worse. Do not jump to conclusions! Hear her out! I chided myself.

“Of course, I could not hide from you if I tried,” I said as I picked a stray cherry blossom out of her hair.

“I think that I love you Erion. I think that I always have.”

Gods above and below, I was going to break her heart. Until now, my greatest fear had been
Marielle finding out how I felt about her. But this was worse – so much worse.

“I know that you fancy Marielle, but Jerlorn is starting to woo her and –”

Wait. She knew? Who else knew? Did Marielle? I could feel my eyes growing wider. Sweat was starting to bead on my forehead. Any thoughts I had were replaced by internal screaming.

She must have seen me panicking because she sighed, “Do not worry, you infant. I only know because I know you so well.”

Oh, the agony she must have felt as I pined over Marielle. I wanted to hide from the shame of it all.

She tucked her hair behind her ear again. “I do not need your reply, but promise me you will think on it.”

I stared at her for who knows how long before I regained control of my brain. “I promise,” I croaked. With sweaty palms, I held both of her hands in mine and gave them a squeeze. “And you and I will be friends until the end of time. I promise that too.”

She nodded curly, all the tension gone from her little body. Then she got up, kissed me on the cheek, and walked away. As she left, she whispered, “Thank the gods that is over with” under her breath.

I watched as the wind played with her hair and skirts. More blossoms rained down and I was struck by how beautiful the scene could have been had I not been thunderstruck.

Eline.

Eline?

Eline.

She did have a beauty about her, with her small features and fiery personality. She was like a murderous pixie, just waiting for the opportunity to rip you to shreds. Even the way she moved was like that – she always looked like she had somewhere to be. She always moved with a purpose.

Could I love her back?

I thought about all the times that we sat next to each other, poring over textbooks and wishing for more adventures. I thought about all of the times we snuck out of the castle to explore Estonie. Every memory of us seemed to float around my head. I wanted so desperately for that spark to ignite, the one that I felt when I thought of Marielle. That breathless feeling, the one that made me feel like a fish out of water.

Nothing came. There was only the low hum of friendship. It was a gentle warmth of a hearth on a cold day or of cookies straight from the oven.

Defeated, I finally forced myself to make my way home. The entire ride was a blur; my mind just dissected every one of Eline’s words over and over again. I moved mindlessly towards my chambers before I was called out of my stupor.

“Erion!” Mother yelled. I blinked up at her as she descended the stairs. “I have called you more times than I care to count.”

“My apologies, Mother. My mind is elsewhere,” I said, making sure to look her directly in the eye.

Her brow furrowed slightly and she motioned me closed to her. I met her at the foot of the staircase and she raised the back of her hand to my forehead. “You are not feverish, and yet you look afflicted.”

“It is nothing Mother. My day was taxing is all.” I made sure to stand as straight as possible, praying that she would move on so that I could go think my life over.

She looked skeptical but she dropped her hand and the subject. “Go and pack a bag with some clothes. I am sending you to continue your learning elsewhere. You –”

“What? No! I –”

The look on her face was thunderous. In that instant I would have rather had the ground swallow me whole or have my tongue ripped out by Rionel in the Third Hell than be in front of Mother. Her eyes were like ice as she looked down at me. “Do you wish to continue? If your words are more important than mine, I will wait.”

“No Mother. I have nothing of importance.” I looked at my shoes.

“You will not be returning for some time. Were I you, I would bring a few things of sentimental value. Go.” She pointed up the stairs and I took the opportunity to flee.

I only stopped once I had reached the top of the staircase on the third floor to look down at the foyer. Mother was wiping down the bust of her favorite philosopher and for a moment, I truly and deeply despised her. I pushed the thought away. There was no way that she could have known the dilemma I was facing. This was not her fault. Still, the anger lingered.

Once I had packed the essentials, I took a moment to look around my room. Nothing stood out to me. Oddly, it felt wrong to take anything of real worth. Mother did not approve of sentimentality and so her advice felt wrong. Instead, I took only an inkwell, my new quill, and a roll of parchment. I promised myself that I would write Eline the moment I had a chance.

Travel case in hand, I made my way down the limestone steps. I had almost made it to the last step when I heard a sound behind me. Before I could turn, coarse fabric fell over my head.

Then something hit the back of my legs and I fell to my knees. Someone grabbed my arms and wrenched them behind my back. I manage to yelp before something hit the side of my head, hard. Nothing followed but blackness.

(Hey hey hey! :D Great to hear from you! Ooh, you're going to Germany! OoO That sounds so cool! How long are you there for?
On first skim-read, I REALLY like it, I can't wait to sit down and get into it >w< Hopefully I'll have it critiqued by the time you get back <3
Hey, I'm more then happy to be patient with you, considering how patient you've been with me hugs
I've been pretty good! Working on scripting my first video game so yeet xD It's A LOT of hard work TwT
How about you?)

I'm back and will have something uploaded (hopefully) soon!

Thanks for being so patient with me! Beware the passage is LONG (Ill give it a quick read through, so sorry if I miss any typos or grammar!). Also side note, Erion calls Eline "Cat" because she can be so temperamental some days and affectionate in others.

Erion -

The moment the carriage door opened, I felt as if the weight of the world fell off my shoulders. The air was cool and humid, the breeze was gentle, and the road was paved with limestone. The sun did not scorch my skin. But, most importantly, there was no sand. Finally, I was home.

Somehow, I had expected it to change in my absence, but it looked as if I had only left yesterday.

“Lad, your things,” Sangar said as he thrusted my bags at me. One was the standard issue all the apprentices received and the other was the bag I had packed so many years ago. I took them and without another word, he shut the door and the carriage rode off.

Out of curiosity, I opened the clasp and found a few clothes and the roll of parchment, inkwell, and quill. Only now, the parchment was horribly creased, the quill broken, and the ink had dried long ago.

“Erion?” asked a high and musical voice, like a viola. “Erion!”

I turned and saw her. Gods above and below, time had been kind to her. Gone was the pretty girl who tripped over her own feet. In her stead was a beautiful raven-haired creature, tall and willowy, who moved like a dancer as she flew down the stairs. Only those big eyes were familiar to me.

I set my things down, ready to hold her hands in greeting, but Marielle had other ideas. She launched herself at me and I thanked the gods for my training, for our faces almost collided. I held her to me and her hair tickled my face as I rested my cheek on her hair. She still smelled of vanilla and oranges.

“Where have you been?” She exclaimed, a little too close to my ear. “It has been so long and I missed you so! I have so much to tell you!” She pulled away from me and it took all of my strength to let her go. The feeling of her against me comforted my bruised heart. It was fitting that she was the first one to embrace me in all this time. It was her face that kept me strong through the grueling training and horrifying tasks. The thought seeing her smile gave me the will to continue on.

“My mother did not tell you?” It was odd to think that Marielle had seen Mother more than I had.

“She told us that she sent you to study culture across the sea,” Marielle said, her brow furrowed. “But, it was so strange of you to just disappear. Jerlorn and Solin were convinced that you were dead. And Eline, oh Eline was livid with you for the longest time.”

I smiled at her and simply said, “That is more or less the truth. I learned slightly more than culture.”

“Oh, Erion! You know how I hate it when you act so tight-lipped! Tell me all about your adventures,” she scolded as she nudged me.

“Truly, I –”

“Is that Erion?” boomed a rolling baritone.

“By Archanie, it is him!” was the slightly more bass answer. Before I could do a thing, I was bowled over by two hulking men, one with hair as deep as Strician dark roast and the other’s could rival a setting Lianian sun.

“Solin! Jerlorn!” I managed to wheeze from the courtyard floor. “I cannot breathe!”
Laughing, they leapt up off me and pulled me to my feet.

“Where in three hells have you been?” Jerlorn asked. His close-cropped beard suited him well and from the looks of it, it barely covered a new scar on his cheek. “You have missed so much! It felt wrong that you were not with us for all of our adventures.”

“We were both sent to the Lianian badlands,” Solin said.

“Then to the Strician Ocean,” Jerlorn had started to count on his fingers.

“Over the Macraton Mountians –”

Suddenly a window flew open and a blond woman leaned out. “What is all the comot –” Her eyes caught mine and I knew that sharp gaze anywhere. It was Eline. Twenty years or a second later, I really could not say, she pulled the window closed and disappeared.

Solin elbowed me and whispered, “Heirokeps have mercy on you.”

“Why would I need him, of all the gods?” I looked away from Eline in the window to see him looking quite solemn.

“Eline was a right terror for at least six months after you left,” he said. “She just about tore off all of our heads, one time or another. She missed her best friend.”

I ran a hand through my hair and tried to compose myself.

Marielle grabbed my free hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze, “this was years ago, we have all grown so much since then.”

“Thank you,” I breathed and after a returned squeeze, I made my way inside the palace.

It had not changed in the slightest since I had left. The same velvet runners were laid precisely across the floor and up the staircase, bordered with embroidered braids of all of the house colors. The crystal chandeliers still glittered with light from white candles, up in the lofty rafters. Once I reached the third floor, in the Camile house’s wing, the runners turned to the amethyst of their house gem.

I went to the door that was as familiar as my own and ran my fingers across the engraved plaque on the door. I could still remember the day they put it up, Eline was so proud that she could barely contain herself. It read Eline Camile and underneath it had her family crest and moto, Guardians of Knowledge, Agents of Progress. I knocked gently.

“Enter,” was the quiet answer.

She was a sight. The sun streamed through the open window and set her neatly pinned curls aglow. The breeze played at the gossamer curtains and stirred the gentle air. The only sound was a faint scratching of her quill across what looked like a ledger. She did not look up.

“Cat?” I whispered as I entered and closed the door behind me. The click had a certain finality about it.

“Did you not have a quill and parchment?” At her cold tone, I could not help but think of the first time we met. It had taken me weeks to get her to smile.

“I did,” I lied. How could I tell her that I had been an assassin apprentice in all the time I was gone? Telling her I could have written her would have just led to more questions. The very thing hurt me to no end, but there were greater things at stake than my feelings.

“Did you become illiterate?” She continued to write.

“I did not.” At this, she finally looked up at me.

“I see that you are still in possession of your hands. So why did you not write me?” she paused and waited for my excuse.

I could not think of anything. I was too busy looking at how she had changed. She still looked like a fairy, but she had grown into herself. Fair had turned to elegance.

She dropped her quill on the blotting cloth and pushed herself to her feet. The scraping of her chair against the floor was deafening.

“Do you have an answer? At all?” Eline asked as she strode up to me. One thing had remained unchanged. She was not afraid to invade a man’s personal space to make a point – which she did by shoving me with all her strength. She pushed so hard that I actually had to take a step back. “Answer me you idiot!”

She spun away from me and went to the window, her infuriated breathing filling the silence. Eline patted her hair back into place and it struck me how adult the movement was.

After what felt like an eternity, I found my voice. “I could not find the words. I wanted desperately to get back and accept you. But mother sent me away the very day you told me how you felt.”

Briefly, I thought about reaching out to touch her. In a way, I did love her and seeing her in pain caused a pang in my own heart. I just did not love her the way she wanted. In the end, I kept my hands by my side. “When I was able to write, I realized that I could not change my feelings. I thought of you, but my heart only yearned for her. I thought that you would be better off if you moved on without me. Kinder.”

She turned to me with piercing eyes and clenched fists. A tear ran down her cheek and the weight of it caused my chest to constrict.

“You were gone for four years.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “I never had a chance, did I?”

“I –”

She held up a hand and cut me off. “I do not want any more excuses. Leave me.”

“Eline –” I made a move towards her.

“I will see you another time Erion.” She moved past me and opened the door. “I need to be at Solin’s side.”

I watched her skirts swing around her as she left.

Haha, no, no, thank-YOU for being patient with ME! xDD
Here's a lil' tiny story concept that I only just started developing, what do you think of the plot idea?

The Third

World war 3 is happening, nuclear warfare is a possibility, and Shaina Hopson, a sixteen year old survivor of the initial attacks, loses out on her dream of becoming a video game concept artist. Shaina, her sister, Maddie, mother, Leyla, and father, Chris, all escape from their house on the edge of Jackson, Wyoming, fleeing the invading soldiers and managing to lose them in Yellowstone National Park. They find more survivors as they go: Cason, a ten year old who's parents were killed in the initial fighting, Karli, Leyla and Evan, three more survivors without family of their own who befriend Shaina's parents.
Together, with the occasional help of an old doctor who seems far too good at surviving for his age, the family manages to avoid detection by the soldiers who are combing the park for survivors just like them. Shaina vows to protect Maddie and Cason, but her loyalties are challenged by the choice between her charges, the rest of her family, and the possibility that she could play a part in ending the war.
Her choices could dictate weather or not her family survives the war, and weather they can pick up where they left off in their lives. Though things will never be the same, Shaina will never give up hope that they might again be okay.

I know this is a terribly written overview, but hey I just hashed it out real quick xD

I like it a lot! It seems like a cross between Red Dawn and the Walking Dead! The only thing I would say is Leyla is a pretty uncommon name so to have both the mother and one of the three survivors have the same name is probably not the best idea.

Oh heavens I mis-wrote that! xDD Thanks so much for catching that >w< There is only one Leyla, (the mom), I just accidentally stuck her in the other survivors list too, lol xDD
Glad you like it though!! :D It is a little bit based off the Walking Dead. My friend showed me two random episodes in the middle of like season 5 I think? So I got pretty inspired. Never actually watched it myself though :)

Whoo, its been a long week. I've just finished moving in and all that jazz which left me like no time to write! But here it is!

Side note: Erion finds out that Jerlorn is marrying Marielle and Solin is marrying Eline. He has resolved to try and win Marielle – despite his friendship to Jerlorn.

Erion –
The man was plain in every sense of the word. Even as I was looking at him, I began to forget what he looked like. I supposed that is what made him one of our best.

“Yes, and what did your men find?” I asked.

There was no emotion in his face as he gave his report, “There is an influx of immigrants at our borders. Unfortunately, there is no way to tell exact figures since there are no outposts or checkpoints. The majority of them are family units from Lian, Marcat, and Rondolvo. All of the locations, except the one near Holvim are ideal candidates for your Lady Mother’s projects.”

I made my way to the large map hanging on my wall and looked for the word. “And what is so special about Holvim?” I asked.

“You will not find it on a map, m’lord. The town is much too small for that,” he said as he pointed to a part of the map that looked to be a full week’s ride or more from Estonie. “The community is very small and entirely too interested –”

“Interested?” I interrupted.

“Curious. Our men could not stay longer than two days without raising suspicion,” he finished.

My own curiosity was piqued. Part of me yearned to know what this grand operation was and the other, much wiser, part of me knew that I did not want to know – not in the slightest. In the end, I left it alone.

“Very well, if you would turn please,” I said as I sat down at my desk. I scribbled the down last details of the new report and blew gently on the ink until it faded away. I added it to other stack of seemingly blank parchments, flipped it over and gave the fake medical documents a quick glance, and then slipped it into its envelope. The wax dripped prettily into a opalescent wax blob and it gently warmed my signet ring as I stamped it. “Ensure that my eldest brother gets this before nightfall.”

He took the envelope gingerly and took his leave, as silently as he had come.

Regarding the map again, my mind wandered to my travels. I was lost in thoughts about the missing Lianian princess when there was a timid knock.

“Enter,” I called and a maid opened the door.

She curtsied deeply and said, “The Ladies Eline and Marielle request your presence in the Vrualti wing.”

What ever could the two of them want with me? Marielle I could see, but Eline? As far as I was aware, she still wanted to flay me alive. “Would you do me the pleasure of showing me exactly where they are? I must confess that I rarely spend time calling upon the artisans,” I bade her.

“Of course, m’Lord” she breathed and we began our way through the winding halls of the palace.

After a time in silence, she dared ask “M’Lord may I speak out of turn?” The poor thing looked as if she was about to pass out from fear of breaking etiquette.

“Speak freely; you will face no reprimand from me.” The words seemed to bring her a little solace.

“All of the palace staff missed your dearly whilst you were away. But it seems as if you have returned in body alone. There is a change about you m’lord and we worry is all. Should there be anything at all that you require, please do let us know.”

I turned and truly took her in. As I had done with so many other servants before, I had forgotten that she was a person beyond the neat palace uniform and perfectly slicked back hair. She was a girl who, despite having painfully little compared to me, was offering solace. “Thank you Miss…” I trailed off.

“Emaline, m’lord. Miss Emaline,” She said with a quick curtsy. “And that brings us to the Vrualti wing. Will you be requiring anything else m’lord?”

“No, you may take your leave,” I said as her words still swirled around in my head. “And again, thank you.”

She smiled kindly and slipped away as an unmistakably shrill voice called out, “Erion! It has been so long!”

“Briness, indeed it has. How have you been?” I asked the Vrualti heir.

“So, so wonderfully busy with the double wedding. The entire palace is alight with anticipation!” She giggled, gesturing wildly. “It seems that everyone, simply everyone must have new wardrobes for the event. Is that why you are here? Have you come for a new doublet?”

“Ah, no Marielle and Eline sent for me.”

A knowing look flashed across her face as she turned and beckoned, “Well come on then, best not to keep those two waiting.”

We turned the corner and came to a room of mirrors; which in and of itself would have made anyone gasp with wonder. However, my eyes were only on the woman on the platform.

“Would you just look at how it flows! I do not believe I have ever seen anything so fine in my entire life.” She spun slowly and indeed the glossy fabric moved with her, pooling around her like water. Lace crept up her arms and around her bodice like a rose vine. And the veil flowed from her hair with an unparalleled air of regality. Briness and her house must have worked for months on the ensemble. She was so lovely that I feared the goddess Jesimae would smite her in a jealous rage.

“Oh Erion, you are here!” She exclaimed as she caught me in the reflection of the mirror. “So what do you think?” she asked, turning to face me. “Do I look like a proper bride?”

In that moment, I could see a future that could have been ours. I would marry her in the grand temple. I would bring her to my noble house and her caring heart would bring light and goodness back into its halls. We would have a hoard of beautiful, adventurous children.

I wanted nothing more than to sweep her up kiss her with all the passion in the world. I wanted to kiss her until my lips were swollen and numb. I wanted to give her the world and my heart and anything she wanted. But, all I could do was mummer, “You look incredible.”

She blushed and gathered my hands in hers. “I just wanted to thank you. My life has changed so much because of you. If you had not helped me at the well, so long ago I would never have met Jerlorn or had these wonderful friends or beautiful gowns,” she giggled abashedly and swished her skirts. “I know it is a little bit silly to love them so much, but I will always appreciate how the silk feels on my skin and how much work went into each piece. It is almost like wearing love itself.”

Eline cleared her throat from the chair.

“Oh! Thank you Eline! I almost forgot. Erion, we have something we want to ask you,” she said as bounced on the balls of her feet. “I mean it was Eline’s idea, but it is just perfection! Seeing as you are the only reason I am here. I would just be so poetic with all of us up there–” she trailed off as if she were imagining it. “So will you?”

“Marielle you forgot to ask him.” Eline deadpanned in her familiar way. For a moment, I felt transported back to our childhood.

“Oh! You are right!” She shook her head and laughed at herself. “Erion we want you to give us away! Just think of how perfect it would be, all five of us up there at once, like one family.”

It took all of my training to force a smile onto my face. But nothing could stop me from looking over Marielle’s shoulder to Eline. She looked back with cruel triumph in her eyes, her arms crossed defiantly. “You want this too Eline?”

“It was her idea you ninny. I know I said that part!” Marielle laughed.

“It is fitting Erion, do you not agree?” Eline said softly.

I turned back to Marielle and nodded, “I would be honored.”

Marielle wrapped me in a massive hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. How can I ever repay you? You have given me my world!”

I found my voice long enough to say, “Marielle you owe me nothing, all I ask is that you bask in your happiness.”

She kissed both my cheeks and exclaimed, “Oh this is going to be wonderful; I have to go tell Jer.” Without another moment, she gathered her skirts and ran from the room, I could faintly hear her calling out, “Briness, it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, but I must fly and you know who cannot see me like this!”

After she left, I turned to Eline once more and an unspoken thing passed between us. In a way I deserved this, for all of the heartache I had caused her. “I admit that I deserved that. Are you done? Have I suffered enough now?”

Eline briefly looked like she wanted to push me out of a window. “No. However punishing you is exhausting and I would like my best friend back.” She stood up and put her hands out to me and I pulled her into a hug.

“I missed you, Cat,” I murmured into her hair. “And I am sorry for the pain I put you through.”

“I missed you too, but part of me is glad you left.” She pulled away from me. “I have found my happiness in Solin. I truly do love him, and if you had not gone, I do not think I would have let him in.”

Hey hey :)
Sorry I didn't reply to this for so long omg xD
I didn't see it for like a week, and then I started critiquing it, but my page refreshed about half-way through, so I lost all my writing T/\T
AND THEN I got hit with a really bad depressive episode, so that is breaking down an motivation I have left.
I promise it's on my to-do list, and I'll get with you as soon as I can :3

That's okay, take your time!