forum LittleBear and Hollydraws read each other's stories because writing buddies are amaze

Started April 12, 2018 by @Oakiin

tune

Hey, there @LittleBear!

Here's the place for us to enjoy each others writing :)
I really liked what I saw of yours, and I hope you enjoy mine too! :D

Here's the first couple paragraphs of my story:

A long, long time ago, long before you, or I, or any of our distant ancestors, or even any of theirs, I imagine, could recall, in a land of similar origin, which, at the time was known as Edir, there was a small kingdom. When I say small, I do mean just that. It was hardly a kingdom at all, and could more have been seen as a cluster of houses with a bigger house in the middle.
Still, the rulers there were of fine stock, and you would have been at a loss to find any who could be considered as noble and majestic as they. The king, Havar Dere Sane, and his wife, Sheela Zene Sane, were both beautiful people, outside and in. They had bronzed skin, (quite uncommon for the cold region), deep, dark eyes that missed no detail, and were strongly built. They had ruled their land for many years, with not a hint of bother from their neighbors, who were both in fear and in awe of them, and had one son born to them on the brightest day of winter’s coming. He was a most well-looking babe, who shared his parents fine features and tanned skin. He was given a fine, noble name, as was only fit for a prince to be ruler. He was called Java Ratan Sane, Java meaning King, Ratan meaning Stone, and Sane, of course, being the family’s after-name. Take that and translate it directly, the whole conglomeration translates directly to mean “Reliable Ruler,” which in itself was fitting, as he was a very loyal and thoughtful boy, and only far too aware of his social position. We shall allow him to grow in peace for a few years, while we pan down to a land which was really quite far south of Edir, over Rorre and through Rodor. It was an entirely different trybe, one of wild forest peoples, who danced and sung and made mischief wherever they went. This land, known as Hukx, was home to many a fine story, none of which I shall tell in this book. All you shall need to know for now, while we wait for Java to mature, is that there was one myth that rose above all else. It was the legend of the Death Hound, whose real name had been thousands of years forgotten.

Let me know what you think! :D

I'm so excited! I will sit down to edit when I'm not so swamped with homework, but my initial thoughts are that you have definitely thought a lot about this world. However, it feels a lot like an info dump. A well written one, but an info dump nonetheless. This may be best to keep in your own notes, because your first scene really should be one to grab the reader by the lapels and drag them into your story. I look forward to the next post!

looking forward to your thoughts! :D

Yeah, I do realize it's a bit dumpy xD I'm looking to work on that in later drafts, but goo to hear a second opinion!

Looking forward to reading yours! :)

So, I am going to go through this with all the nit-picky things that I see. And sorry if I seem blunt, I’m very straight forward when I edit. That being said I am the absolute worst at grammar, so take everything with a grain of salt.

• A long, long time ago, long before you, or I, or any of our distant ancestors, or even any of theirs, I imagine, could recall, in a land of similar origin, which, at the time was known as Edir, there was a small kingdom.
• Whoa, there are 10 commas in one sentence. My eyes hurt and so do my lungs. The best advice I can give is to read your sentences out loud. Each comma should be a breath; too many and you end up hyperventilating, to few and you run out of air. I get that you're trying to go for a storytelling vibe but… the commas jar me out of the words. I love commas, but this is too much.
• "A long, long time ago, before any of our distant ancestors could recall, there was a small kingdom in the land of Edir." You get the same effect that it was a SUPER long time ago, but more to the point.
  *
• It was hardly a kingdom at all, and could more have been seen as a cluster of houses with a bigger house in the middle.
• It was hardly a kingdom at all; it could not have been more than a cluster of houses surrounding a larger one.
• So the words are kind of twisting in on themselves, "could more have been seen" could easily be condensed to "looked like" but for the sake of the lyrical tone I used "could not have been more than" to be similar and more direct. Also a pet peeve of mine is having the same word more than once in the same sentence or surrounding sentences, so I took out the second house.
  *
• Still, the rulers there were of fine stock, and you would have been at a loss to find any who could be considered as noble and majestic as they
• Still, the rulers there were of fine stock, and you would have been at a loss to find any more noble and majestic than they.
• "Could be considered" is passive voice and is needlessly indirect.
  *
• They had bronzed skin, (quite uncommon for the cold region), deep, dark eyes that missed no detail, and were strongly built.
• Outside of academic writing, parentheses are the bane of my existence. Here is a link on how to get the same effect with commas. http://www.grammarmonster.com/lessons/commas_for_parenthesis.htm
• Also this good characterization because it sets them apart - but this is the care where show don't tell comes into play. Let it come into the story organically, maybe have someone remark on it.
  *
• They had ruled their land for many years, with not a hint of bother from their neighbors, who were both in fear and in awe of them, and had one son born to them on the brightest day of winter’s coming.
• Break this into two sentences: They had ruled their land for many years and their neighbors, who were both in fear and in awe of them, did not dare to bother them. Then on the brightest day of winter’s coming their only son was born.
• So I like the winter’s coming bit, it gives an intriguing and odd feeling – just make sure that there is continuity later on.
  *
• He was a most well-looking babe, who shared his parents fine features and tanned skin.
• He was a handsome babe.
• You don’t need the second part, unless he differs from them in some way, its’ not worth mentioning (show, don’t tell)
  *
• He was given a fine, noble name, as was only fit for a prince to be ruler.
• They gave him a fine, noble name, fit for a prince.
• If he is the only son, he will be the ruler. The last part is redundant.
  *
• He was called Java Ratan Sane, Java meaning King, Ratan meaning Stone, and Sane, of course, being the family’s after-name. Take that and translate it directly, the whole conglomeration translates directly to mean “Reliable Ruler,” which in itself was fitting, as he was a very loyal and thoughtful boy, and only far too aware of his social position.
• So again show, don’t tell. Have it come up organically, maybe his mother tells him this as she is bouncing him on her knee. Or maybe have it come up in one of his lessons from his tutor. However, if you do decide to keep it – here is what I would change.
• Java Ratan Sane was destined for greatness; it said so in his name. Alone Java meant king and Ratan meant stone, but when the two came together it meant “Reliable Ruler”. It fit the loyal and thoughtful boy.
• You don’t need the bit about Sane, you already told us his family’s name. “And only far too aware of his social position.” Keep this part for his characterization, how is he too aware? It doesn’t fit here.
  *
• We shall allow him to grow in peace for a few years,
• Take this out. It both gives a level of disconnect and gives the impression that the narrator is going to directly influence him – unless that is what you are going for, leave it out.
  *
• We pan down to a land which was really quite far south of Edir, over Rorre and through Rodor. It was an entirely different trybe, one of wild forest peoples, who danced and sung and made mischief wherever they went. is that there was one myth that rose above all else. It was the legend of the Death Hound, whose real name had been thousands of years forgotten.
• If one decided to travel south from fair Edir, over Rorre and through Rodor, they would come upon Hukx. Here lived an entirely different trybe of wild forest peoples, who danced and sang and made mischief wherever they went. There are many tales that lived in this land, but there was one myth that rose above all the others. It was the legend of the Death Hound, whose real name had been thousands of years forgotten.
• “We pan down” makes me think of flying over with an airplane or scrolling on a map on a computer. It is much too modern for the genre.

Wow, thank-you so much for the in-depth critique! :D I agree with a lot of these, and it was good to have them pointed out to me :) I see what you mean with that last one especially, I much prefer your way of saying it :)

I do have a very long-winded style, and I appreciate you helping me reasonable xD
The only thing I'll say is that I very much love parenthesis is stories, in both narrative and in dialogue, because my favorite stories were written that way, but that's probably the only thing in there that I won't be changing based off your recommendations :)

Thanks again, and can't wait to read more of yours! :D
(Heck, I'm so excited, I've always wanted a writer buddy >w<)

Sorry It's been awhile. I promise I'm working on something but school has been crazy. Also don't worry about my feelings if your don't like my edits, I have super thick skin.

A little one shot:

~Edited
Strisen -

“What are you doing?”

I kept going through the movements just like the weapons master had shown me. “Practicing.”

“You look like you learned from a book,” She chuckled and I could feel my face burn. I looked straight ahead, gritted my teeth, and continued. Nati gasped clapped her hands; she could read me like a book. “You did! Has no one taught you properly?”

“Nati, I am an incredibly skilled archer –”

“I am sure. You would never catch me even eyeing a bow and arrow. That is a completely different world. However, if you are going to pick up a sword you should do it correctly. Your movements are much too stiff for swordplay.”

“I am doing just fine! If you were not so pretty, I would be mad at you.” I immediately regretted my words. My cheeks were betraying me; I just knew it.

“Oh,” she crooned. “You think I am pretty?” She sang the word ‘pretty’ as she fluttered her eyelashes. She picked up a sword from the table and swung it around to get a feel for it. They were just practice blades and horribly
imbalanced, but it looked like an extension of herself.

“I – I think you are–” She was never going to let me forget this. “I am just going to ignore you.”

“I am impossible to ignore because I am, what was that again? Oh yes, I am pretty,” she teased as she moved towards me. With a deft rap, the steel of her practice sword hit mine and sent vibrations up my arm.

“Come on, Nati,” I groaned. Gods, she was like a kitten playing with a mouse. A deadly kitten.

“Disarm me and I will stop.” She swung her sword around and I knew that there was no possible way that I was going to be able to beat her. But braver men have done more stupid things to impress women.

“Oh I will.”

She disarmed me. Again. And again.

And again.

“Come on then. Beat me.” Nati tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear and grinned.

Our blades crossed in front of our faces and they caught each other at their cross-guards. A terrible thought came to mind and before my more rational side could stop me, I leaned forward and kissed her. It was fleeting, no more than a few seconds, but – wow. Her lips were so soft and warm.

Startled, she took a step back and her sword faltered. I took the opportunity to twist my sword and my cross-guard caught hers. It fell from her grasp with a clatter. “Ha!” I laughed. It had actually worked!

The moment was short lived. The look on her face was terrifying; she narrowed her eyes and clenched her jaw and she looked like she was considering murder. She marched up to me, it did not matter that I towered over her; it is a miracle that I stood my ground. Our faces were a breath apart. "That was dirty," she hissed as she grabbed my face and

Hey, that's ok! :) Life happens sometimes, I totally get it xD
I'll keep that in mind, good to know :) I know that personally I tend to be more sensitive, so I usually try to act like every one else is too, at least when I first meet them :)

Oh, and I'll be posting a critique tomorrow of you blip :) I like it from what I've read so far!
btw, I'm having a really hard time writing rn, got any advice or motivation ideas? ty!

I'm in a bit of a rut myself. The best thing that I do is put on Spotify, a favorite show, or movie. If there is a particular scene that I like I will rewrite it with my own characters and my own little spin. That or pinterest. Here is my board if you want to take a gander: https://www.pinterest.com/dpcjogging4chai/writing/

Ah, thankies, those are great ideas :)
Followed! I like a lot of the stuff you have on there :)
Here's mine if you're interested: https://www.pinterest.com/Mydogaddiction/story-refs/

Here's my lil critique of your story!

Strisen -
“What are you doing?”
I kept going through the movements just like the weapons master had shown me. “Practicing”
“You look like you learned from a book.” She chuckled and I could feel my face burn. “You did! Has no one taught you properly?”
-Good intro! Gives a sense of motion and fluidity to the whole piece I think. The one thing I noticed on reading the whole think is that sometimes you leave out words or punctuation, such as when he says he’s practicing.

“Nati, I am an incredibly skilled archer –”
“Sure. You will never catch me even eyeing a bow and arrow. That is a completely different world. However, if you are going to pick up a sword you should do it correctly. Your movements are much too limited for sword play.”
-Swordplay is one word. And personally, I would merge those first two sentences or Nati’s: “Sure, and you would never catch me even eyeing a bow and arrow.” To me that just flows a little better. The use of the word “limited” could be changed too, maybe to “stiff,” “incomplete,” or “restricted,” because I was a bit unsure of exactly what you meant by “limited” there.

“I am doing just fine! If you were not so pretty, I would be mad at you.” I immediately regretted my words. My cheeks were betraying me; I just knew it.
“Oh,” she crooned. “You think I am pretty?” She sang the word ‘pretty’ as she fluttered her eyelashes. She picked up a sword from the table and swung it around to get a feel for it. They were just practice blades and horribly imbalanced, but it looked like an extension of herself.
-I would make “were not” into “weren’t,” it sounds a little more natural to me, and I don’t think the semicolon is necessary here: My cheeks were betraying me; I just knew it.
That should just be a comma. I really like the character interactions here,
they’re very fluid and natural.

“I – I think you are–” She was never going to let me forget this. “I am just going to ignore you.”
“I am impossible to ignore because I am, what was that again? Oh yes, I am pretty,” she teased as she moved towards me. With a deft rap, she sent vibrations up my arm.
-Agan, I would make you are into you’re, just for the sake of fluidity (which I’ve mentioned a lot, haven’t I? xD)

“Come on, Nati,” I groaned. Gods, she was like a kitten playing with a mouse. A deadly kitten.
“Disarm me and I will stop.” She swung her sword around and I knew that there was no possible way that I was going to be able to beat her. But braver men have done more stupid things to impress women.
-I would like to know a bit more about how these characters know each other, if there was a way for you to work that into this script somehow, I think that would add some much needed background to the story.
I like the little challenge she presents him with, almost flirting, but also very “fite me”

“Oh I will.”
She disarmed me. Again. And again.
And again.
“Come on then. Beat me.” Nati tucked a stray hand behind her ear and grinned.
Our blades crossed in front of our faces and they caught each other at their cross-guards. A terrible came to mind and before my more rational side could stop me, I leaned forward and kissed her. It was fleeting, no more than a few seconds, but – wow. Her lips were so soft and warm.
-You say that she “tucked a stray hand behind her ear” I think that should be hair, not hand? I quite like his boldness in just kissing her, and I like how simple and effective your description is. Also, did you want to add “thought” here? “A terrible came to mind”

Startled, she took a step back and her sword faltered. I took the opportunity to twist my sword and my cross-guard caught hers. It fell from her grasp with a clatter. “Ha!” I laughed. It had actually worked!
-I again like how you portrayed his sense of victory, that was well done :) Quick and simple, just how it should be.

The moment was short lived. The look on her face was terrifying; she narrowed her eyes and clenched her jaw and she looked like she was considering murder. She marched up to me, it did not matter that I towered over her; it is a miracle that I stood my ground. Our faces were a breath apart. “That was dirty,” she hissed, grabbed my face and kissed me.
-Great descriptions here! I love that she’s so scary even though she’s way shorter than him! Well done! And it has a very nice satisfying ending to it as well :)

Overall, really good job! I like how you wrote it, you seem very comfortable in your style, and you had a lot going for you on this one :) Thanks for the great read!

Thanks so much for the edits! They made me smile! Most edits I took in stride, but these I left, just incase they pop up again:

So while I do agree with you that contractions do make for better dialogue. I am making a conscious choice to stay far away from contractions. And the semicolon is actually the edit that Microsoft Word told me to do. Thanks so much for everything else.

Glad I could be helpful! :D
Thant's ok, and tbh, I'm trying to try away from contractions as well in my story as well xD
Happy to be able to make you smile! C:

Here's the next part of my story, and one thing I want to mention is that I plan to move this to a later part in my story in a later draft, but here it is for now :) Looking forward to your thoughts!

This man was said to have been the most powerful Alectric of all time, (the peoples of this land carried special, untamed powers with them, don’t you know), and could cast such a storm the likes of which had been seen before by none, living or dead, and was thought to have never been seen again. In the depths of his supercell, he would whirl and spin, killing with reckless abandon, slaying all his foes in the form of a huge lion, black of fur and jagged of claw. His roars sounded like a thunder, rolling across many miles, as rich and deep as good soil. The dark clouds he summoned could be seen by lands far away, and the earth itself trembled at the chaos.
Death Hound was, as all his kin, a wild sort, with long, dark hair, blue eyes and black skin, (when in his man form), and a rich laugh and an easy smile. He loved the stars, the night, and his power. He found the deaths of those lesser than him amusing, and killed for fun. The taste of blood drove him into a mad glory, and though he brought death wherever he went, hate had no place in his heart. In his younger years, the rest of his kind respected him, and thought little of his killing, holding no grudge at what they considered a fair show of power.
He had a sister, who he loved more than even his power, whose name and face were forgotten long before his. She was much less powerful than her brother, and when killed by the King’s men on acts of supposed treason, Death Hound flew into such a rage that he couldn’t be calmed from. The entire land of Hukx, (which is VERY big, the biggest in all the lands), was thrown into a hurricane of thunder and lightning, many, many dying. The King, who had ordered his sister’s death, gathered all his armies, and his strongest men to battle the great lion, but each was slewn, hundreds at a time. The Death Hound’s anger knew no bounds, and for days, the rain that fell in the lush forest county was a rain of blood, rusting everything with it’s horrible color. Soon the King was dead, his family dying, and his armies scattered. Still no respite came from the killer, and the the massacre continued, until one man, (who was almost as powerful as the Death Hound), came forward to defeat him.
This man’s name was Hud, and he too, has passed down into the ranks of children’s stories, (for no one really believes any of this happened), however, fact or fiction, Hud defeated the Death Hound, and locked him and all his fury deep underground, where the stories say he still lives.
This is ridiculous, as that was over three thousand years ago, and no man, beast, or goddess can survive that long on hatred alone.

I am working on your critique right now, but in the mean time here is what I have been working on.

Strisen -

An almighty thunk jarred me out of my thoughts. A muffled yelp and a groan followed soon afterwards – one from the front and one from the back. I fell sideways as the carriage swerved. I almost called out to Jakion, but something held me back. Usually a bump in the night would not warrant any response, but somehow knew that this was cause for concern. The carriage sped up and I could feel every rut in the road.

Trying not to panic, I yanked at the door handle only to find it jammed. Cursing softly, I fumbled under my vest for my knife. My heart beat in my ears and my legs tensed up. I filled my lungs with as much air as possible and then there was another much lighter sound. Three. Three of them. Gods, I wish I had my bow with me.

There was a small clink and I caught the glint of a blade peak through the leather where the canopy latch connected with the roof. I scrambled for the corner and tried to steady my still erratic breathing. The sunroof door swung open and a thin figure dropped down into the carriage, landing with hardly a sound.

I leapt forward and tacked the intruder, pinning him to the ground with my body. My knife was at his throat when we passed by a street lamp and the yellow glow peaked through the curtains. There was no Adam’s apple. They sent a woman to kill me. How could I defend myself from a woman?

“Who are you?” I hissed, “What do you want from me?”

“I am here to save your royal rear end,” she said and I recognized her voice from somewhere. “If you do not mind, I do not care for knifes so close to my throat.” We passed another lamp and its light illuminated her face.
I immediately withdrew from her. “You are the girl from the courthouse!” I could just make out the flash of her teeth in the dimming light.

“Indeed I am, although, you are not Kraiotan.” We went over a particularly large rut and both of us bounced into the air. Our faces were so close that I could detect the fain scent of vanilla and something fresh, not quite like grass but close. Embarrassed, I scrambled off her and was eternally grateful that the darkness was here to hide my burning cheeks.

“H-How did you get here?” I stammered.

“I will answer all of your questions, but first let us deal with your kidnappers.” Again light seeped into the carriage and I could see that her hair was pulled back and she was clad entirely in black. The most astonishing thing, however, was that she was wearing trousers. So many questions flooded my brain. “Two armed men jumped onto your carriage and knocked off the footman and driver. Last I saw, they were both alive.” She got up and took two blades out of sheaths strapped to her thighs. There was also a bullwhip attached to her belt. “Which one do you want?”

I snapped back into reality. “Uh, what?”

“Do you want to take the driver or the footman?” She sounded like she was rolling her eyes. “Or I guess more importantly, how are you with horses?”

“Terrible. I’ll take the footman,” I decided.

She nodded, grabbed the lip of the sunroof, and pulled herself up. Who in the three hells was this woman? I jumped up and had to kick at the air to get myself through the opening. When I finally got up, I peeked down at the footman and found him with his back to me, watching the surroundings with a hand on his sword pommel. I turned to her and she mouthed at me: three, two, one.

I jumped off the roof and landed square in the middle of the thug’s back. With all of the force I could muster, I pushed off of him. With a startled grunt, he tipped forward and tried unsuccessfully to catch air with his arms. His hands managed to connect with the ground first, but his forehead slammed into the cobblestones and he did not get back up. There was groan and a second later, I saw the driver on the ground as we flew past, clutching his arm. It looked dislocated.

The carriage gradually slowed to a stop next to an old limestone building. I jumped off the back and immediately she came to my side and put a hand on my elbow. “Come with me, we can talk on the roof.” We slipped inside and it was like walking into an embrace. An intricate rug covered the floor and a fire roared in the massive fireplace. There were velvet couches scattered about, bookshelves lined all of the walls, and the faint scent of vanilla floated through the air. She guided me up the staircase.

Three floors later, we came to a door and found ourselves on an equally cozy roof. It was clearly meant for entertaining; there was a roaring fire in a pit, chaise lounges scattered about, and a fully stocked drink cart. “Are you going to tell me what in Sivula’s name is going on?” I ran a hand through my hair.

“I would not expect you to curse,” she said as she hovered the drinks. “Can I get you anything?”

“Water. Now stop stalling. How did you get into my carriage? Who were those thugs?” I suppose I should have been more appreciative, but my patience was beginning to wear thin.
She put a glass of cool water into my hand and strode to the roof’s railing. I took a grateful gulp and followed her. She took a sip of red wine as she looked at the street below. The carriage was still there but two footmen were leading the horses out of their harnesses to what I assumed was the stables. “First answer: I jumped. Second –”

“You what?” I cut her off.

“I was walking on the second story roads and I saw those ruffians attack your men. So, I ran and jumped onto your carriage as it passed under a bridge,” she said as if it was a stroll in the park. She took another sip and flicked an undetectable spec off her sleeve.

“Who are you?” I took her in fully now. She had a pretty face, with a small button nose and full lips, just as I had remembered it. But, most stunning of all were her eyes. They reminded me of the Strician Ocean – deep and penetrating, you could get lost in them, just drown in their splendor. I made a conscious effort to look just at her face, even just thinking about her trousers made my ears warm with impropriety.

“Oh,” she shook her head “Where are my manners?” She put her drink on the ((I’m looking for the top flat part of a roof railing, you know like the little wall that keeps you from walking straight off of a roof but still lets you see outside? Not bannisters, (not quite) railing, idk help pls)) and she offered me her hand. “Call me Natiselle.”
How odd. Usually this is where I would bow and kiss her hand, but she was offering it as a man would – with an open palm. I followed her lead, gripped her hand firmly, and we shook as equals. Her hand was unlike any I had ever held. It was tough and covered in callouses. “Strisen.”

Her eyes grew wide as she pulled away and her hand fluttered to her heart. “I remember!” she gasped. “I remember where I have seen you before!”

My heart sank. “We met almost two weeks ago in the court house.” Was I truly that forgettable? “You confused me with someone else.”

Her eyes shone as she swatted my arm with an astonishing familiarity. “No silly, I remember it now! You were getting out of a carriage, and you dropped something.”

There were threads of a memory coming back to me.

A carriage ride.

A nanny.

A cloudy day.

A beam of sunlight.

A little black haired girl who picked up my puzzle box.

As the thoughts came, I began to pace. “That was you? I remember now. Gods, I was what? Six?” She tucked a stray curl behind her ear. “You gave this back to me.” I pulled the little box out of my pocket and showed it to her. The panic I felt all those years ago came flooding back, I could almost see it bouncing down the steps and onto the busy sidewalk. “And for that I will always be in your debt. I can see it so clearly. I was going to thank you but the sun was in my eyes and then you were gone.”

“Why would you be in my debt? I just returned it to its’ rightful owner,” she said and I suddenly could not meet her eyes.

I rejoined her at the ledge (again the word?) “My mother had this made for me.” What was I doing? I had not talked about her in years, especially never to a perfect stranger.”

Her voice was so soft, almost a breath. “What happened to her?”

“She died in childbirth.” I tried to sound matter of fact. It was a long time ago. I had never met her, I should not be this affected by her absence.

She put a comforting hand on my arm. “I am sorry.” Her expression was kind but otherwise unreadable.

Thanks! Looking forward to your thoughts, I'll start your first thing tomorrow :)

So here are my edits. Also if it isn't too much trouble, could you double enter between your paragraphs? That way it doesn't look like a big block of text in the server. Your text has the grey line and my edit is the first bullet.

This man was said to have been the most powerful Alectric of all time, (the peoples of this land carried special, untamed powers with them, don’t you know), and could cast such a storm the likes of which had been seen before by none, living or dead, and was thought to have never been seen again.

• They called him the “Most Powerful Alectric of All Time”, a man who could cast a storm the likes of which had never been seen before.
• “Was said” is Passive voice. I know that this is your stylistic choice but passive voice is something that puts a lot of distance between the reader and the action.
• The entire part in parentheses is the perfect case of show and tell. Flesh this idea out, I want to know more but here it is just a throw away detail. Also, When there is a parenthesis in a sentence, the sentence should read smoothly if the parenthesis is removed. So I changed around the sentence structure a bit.

In the depths of his supercell, he would whirl and spin, killing with reckless abandon, slaying all his foes in the form of a huge lion, black of fur and jagged of claw. His roars sounded like a thunder, rolling across many miles, as rich and deep as good soil. The dark clouds he summoned could be seen by lands far away, and the earth itself trembled at the chaos.

• He would whirl and spin from the depths of his supercell, killing with reckless abandon. People from far off lands could see the dark clouds he summoned and the earth itself trembled at the chaos.
• “Could be seen” is passive voice.
• I took the lion portion out because this is super interesting and I want to know more about it, but it is confusing information from within the storm. Is he making a storm or shredding them. He can do both, but my mind can’t grasp how he would be able to do it at the same time. Wouldn’t his foes be blown away from him with the wind? This verges on an info dump, I’m going to denote this by ID (info dump) and SDT for (show don’t tell) This is good information for the reader to have but it needs to be made separate and definitely not in the middle of the storm passage.

Death Hound was, as all his kin, a wild sort, with long, dark hair, blue eyes and black skin, (when in his man form), and a rich laugh and an easy smile. He loved the stars, the night, and his power. He found the deaths of those lesser than him amusing, and killed for fun.

• They called him the Death Hound. He was a wild sort with long, dark hair, blue eyes and ebony skin. He loved the stars, the night, and his power. He found the deaths of lesser men amusing, and killed for fun. His rich laugh and easy smile accompanied each atrocity.
• I took out the parentheses because "his man form" is implied, so this is redundant.

The taste of blood drove him into a mad glory, and though he brought death wherever he went, hate had no place in his heart. In his younger years, the rest of his kind respected him, and thought little of his killing, holding no grudge at what they considered a fair show of power.

• In his younger years, the rest of his kind respected him, and thought little of his killing. They held no grudge at what they considered a fair show of power.
• Break this into multiple sentences.

He had a sister, who he loved more than even his power, whose name and face were forgotten long before his. She was much less powerful than her brother, and when killed by the King’s men on acts of supposed treason, Death Hound flew into such a rage that he couldn’t be calmed from.

• There was only one thing he loved even more than his power, his sister – long forgotten by history. And when the king had her executed for treason, the Death Hound flew into an unquenchable rage.
• This is an awkward sentence I would separate the thought about her level of power and her death. Also don’t be afraid to use pronouns
• (I would use a more descriptive verb here like hanged, beheaded, executed etc for more effect)

The entire land of Hukx, (which is VERY big, the biggest in all the lands), was thrown into a hurricane of thunder and lightning, many, many dying.

• This sentence is almost like a rhyme or a song lyric and it doesn’t match the tone of the previous paragraphs. I like this sentence a lot but is jars me straight out my thoughts.

The King, who had ordered his sister’s death, gathered all his armies, and his strongest men to battle the great lion, but each was slewn, hundreds at a time.

• The King gathered all his armies, and his strongest men to battle the great lion, but each was slain, hundreds at a time.
• I took out the "who had ordered his sister’s death" because this is redundant, the only King that was mentioned was the one who had ordered his sister’s death.
• Slewn is not a word, try “Slain”.

The Death Hound’s anger knew no bounds, and for days, the rain that fell in the lush forest county was a rain of blood, rusting everything with it’s horrible color.

• The Death Hound’s anger knew no bounds. For days, blood fell in the place of rain in the lush forest county, rusting everything with its horrible color.
• "It’s" is a contraction “its” is possessive

Soon the King was dead, his family dying, and his armies scattered. Still no respite came from the killer, and the the massacre continued, until one man, (who was almost as powerful as the Death Hound), came forward to defeat him.

• Soon the king and his family lay dead or dying and his armies scattered in the wind. Still, no respite came from the killer, and the massacre continued, until one man, (who was almost as powerful as the Death Hound), came forward to defeat him.
• delete second “the”

This man’s name was Hud, and he too, has passed down into the ranks of children’s stories, (for no one really believes any of this happened), however, fact or fiction, Hud defeated the Death Hound, and locked him and all his fury deep underground, where the stories say he still lives.

• This man’s name was Hud, and he too, has passed down into the ranks of children’s stories, (for no one really believes any of this happened). However, fact or fiction, Hud defeated the Death Hound and locked him and all his fury deep underground, where the stories say he still lives.
• I deleted the comma after Hound, you don’t need it
• Commas my dear, the commas have murdered me.

Also! I just uploaded a competition in general chat if you're are interested! https://www.notebook.ai/forum/general-chat/short-story-writing-competition

Ooh, thank you! :D That was a super helpful critique, I liked A LOT of those ideas :3
And sorry about the blocky text! I hadn't even noticed it was formatting like that, I'll fix it next time :)

I should have yours ready by tomorrow night!

Thanks! And I'm looking forward to it!

Hey, sorry about this, but I think I'll have to postpone it until tomorrow, my job ran a little later then I thought, and I ran out of time to work on it. Sorry gain, I'll have it to you as soon as possible! :)

No problem!

Here it is!

Strisen -
An almighty thunk jarred me out of my thoughts. A muffled yelp and a groan followed soon afterwards – one from the front and one from the back. I fell sideways as the carriage swerved. I almost called out to Jakion, but something held me back. Usually a bump in the night would not warrant any response, but somehow knew that this was cause for concern. The carriage sped up and I could feel every rut in the road.
–I like how this kicks off, it’s easy to get what’s going on without needing too much context, so good job there
–I do think it’s a bit of a low key response, if he heard a yelp and a groan, to me that’s already a pretty major red flag that something out of the ordinary is going on, and that I’d want to get my butt in gear pretty quick. You should add a little more urgency to your tone here.

Trying not to panic, I yanked at the door handle only to find it jammed. Cursing softly, I fumbled under my vest for my knife. My heart beat in my ears and my legs tensed up. I filled my lungs with as much air as possible and then there was another much lighter sound. Three. Three of them. Gods, I wish I had my bow with me.
–Good job describing the panic here, I like how you did that
–What I will say is I’m a bit confused as to how a “lighter sound” told hi there were three of “them.” I’m confused as to the nature of this sound, and as to who “they” are, although that second one might be a contextual thing.

There was a small clink and I caught the glint of a blade peak through the leather where the canopy latch connected with the roof. I scrambled for the corner and tried to steady my still erratic breathing. The sunroof door swung open and a thin figure dropped down into the carriage, landing with hardly a sound.
I leapt forward and tacked the intruder, pinning him to the ground with my body. My knife was at his throat when we passed by a street lamp and the yellow glow peaked through the curtains. There was no Adam’s apple. They sent a woman to kill me. How could I defend myself from a woman?
Do you mean “peek” instead of “peak in the first sentence?
Saying that he pinned the attacker down with his body is a bit redundant. What else would he have pinned him under after tackling her?
–Again, this is probably mostly a context thing, but the way you say “How could I defend myself from a woman?” makes me think one of two things: a) that he’s terrified that he hasn’t the prowess to defeat a woman, like he’s saying “oh, no! A woman!!” and b) that women are rarely seen in the hitman world.

“Who are you?” I hissed, “What do you want from me?”
“I am here to save your royal rear end,” she said and I recognized her voice from somewhere. “If you do not mind, I do not care for knifes so close to my throat.” We passed another lamp and its light illuminated her face.
I immediately withdrew from her. “You are the girl from the courthouse!” I could just make out the flash of her teeth in the dimming light.
“Indeed I am, although, you are not Kraiotan.” We went over a particularly large rut and both of us bounced into the air. Our faces were so close that I could detect the fain scent of vanilla and something fresh, not quite like grass but close. Embarrassed, I scrambled off her and was eternally grateful that the darkness was here to hide my burning cheeks.
“Knives” not “Knifes”
“Faint” instead of “Fain”
–I like this bit, it’s a great (second?) introduction for this character, and I can tell that I already like her.

“H-How did you get here?” I stammered.
“I will answer all of your questions, but first let us deal with your kidnappers.” Again light seeped into the carriage and I could see that her hair was pulled back and she was clad entirely in black. The most astonishing thing, however, was that she was wearing trousers. So many questions flooded my brain. “Two armed men jumped onto your carriage and knocked off the footman and driver. Last I saw, they were both alive.” She got up and took two blades out of sheaths strapped to her thighs. There was also a bullwhip attached to her belt. “Which one do you want?”
–Ooh, I like the bullwhip detail.
–My main questions would be at this point: Why haven’t the other kidnappers noticed anything? Did she drop down unnoticed by them? Wouldn’t they have stopped the carriage to check that they’re kidnapping the right person? It just seems that a lot of time passed there, and a little explanatory sentence or two would not go amiss

I snapped back into reality. “Uh, what?”
“Do you want to take the driver or the footman?” She sounded like she was rolling her eyes. “Or I guess more importantly, how are you with horses?”
“Terrible. I’ll take the footman,” I decided.
–Good description of her voice via assumed body language. I like that touch
–Also a fun insight into both characters, so great job here :)

She nodded, grabbed the lip of the sunroof, and pulled herself up. Who in the three hells was this woman? I jumped up and had to kick at the air to get myself through the opening. When I finally got up, I peeked down at the footman and found him with his back to me, watching the surroundings with a hand on his sword pommel. I turned to her and she mouthed at me: three, two, one.
Three hells? Awesome. I really want to know more about these people’s beliefs
You should orient the reader a little bit more in this scene: are we facing the front or the back of the carriage? Where’s the other one?
–I think the word “peeked” could be replaced with “peered”, it just sounds better in the sentence structure to me.

I jumped off the roof and landed square in the middle of the thug’s back. With all of the force I could muster, I pushed off of him. With a startled grunt, he tipped forward and tried unsuccessfully to catch air with his arms. His hands managed to connect with the ground first, but his forehead slammed into the cobblestones and he did not get back up. There was groan and a second later, I saw the driver on the ground as we flew past, clutching his arm. It looked dislocated.
–Good flail description. You should add a detail about Strisen’s actions there to avoid following the dude off the carriage. Did he grab at anything to steady himself?

The carriage gradually slowed to a stop next to an old limestone building. I jumped off the back and immediately she came to my side and put a hand on my elbow. “Come with me, we can talk on the roof.” We slipped inside and it was like walking into an embrace. An intricate rug covered the floor and a fire roared in the massive fireplace. There were velvet couches scattered about, bookshelves lined all of the walls, and the faint scent of vanilla floated through the air. She guided me up the staircase.
–I’m assuming when you say the carriage eventually slowed, it’s because the lady stopped it, but I can’t be sure, so you should mention something about that. “Always write with your dumbest reader in mind,” as my dad says.
–The dialogue should be the start of a new paragraph. Remember TipTop: a new Time, Topic, Person, or Place, should indicate a new paragraph
Good description of this place.

Three floors later, we came to a door and found ourselves on an equally cozy roof. It was clearly meant for entertaining; there was a roaring fire in a pit, chaise lounges scattered about, and a fully stocked drink cart. “Are you going to tell me what in Sivula’s name is going on?” I ran a hand through my hair.
“I would not expect you to curse,” she said as she hovered the drinks. “Can I get you anything?”
“Water. Now stop stalling. How did you get into my carriage? Who were those thugs?” I suppose I should have been more appreciative, but my patience was beginning to wear thin.
–I take it that this Strisen’s a prince, king, or some other sort of noble, and this lady either is not, or is just of a lower class then him?
–I like how his tolerance for stalling is low, that’s very realistic

She put a glass of cool water into my hand and strode to the roof’s railing. I took a grateful gulp and followed her. She took a sip of red wine as she looked at the street below. The carriage was still there but two footmen were leading the horses out of their harnesses to what I assumed was the stables. “First answer: I jumped. Second –”
“You what?” I cut her off.
“I was walking on the second story roads and I saw those ruffians attack your men. So, I ran and jumped onto your carriage as it passed under a bridge,” she said as if it was a stroll in the park. She took another sip and flicked an undetectable spec off her sleeve.
–Good interruption! Well timed, I know so many times I’ve read badly written interruptions, so good job there.
–You should give her a little motivation here. Why did she help him? Out of the goodness in her heart? Because it looked fun? People only do things with good justification, and it’s always good to get that across to your readers asap
–I also like how nonchalant she is about all this.

“Who are you?” I took her in fully now. She had a pretty face, with a small button nose and full lips, just as I had remembered it. But, most stunning of all were her eyes. They reminded me of the Strician Ocean – deep and penetrating, you could get lost in them, just drown in their splendor. I made a conscious effort to look just at her face, even just thinking about her trousers made my ears warm with impropriety.
–Good eye description. I read a thing somewhere that I thought made the good point of eye color not being the most helpful descriptor. What you did here, describing what the eyes are like, is a much better effect.

“Oh,” she shook her head “Where are my manners?” She put her drink on the ((I’m looking for the top flat part of a roof railing, you know like the little wall that keeps you from walking straight off of a roof but still lets you see outside? Not bannisters, (not quite) railing, idk help pls)) and she offered me her hand. “Call me Natiselle.”
–There should be a new paragraph where she sets down her drink
–Would balustrade work?
–Pretty name, also :)

How odd. Usually this is where I would bow and kiss her hand, but she was offering it as a man would – with an open palm. I followed her lead, gripped her hand firmly, and we shook as equals. Her hand was unlike any I had ever held. It was tough and covered in callouses. “Strisen.”
–I really like this girl. Just sayin xD
–I think to say her hands were “tough and calloused” would work a bit smoother there, just to keep your description flowing

Her eyes grew wide as she pulled away and her hand fluttered to her heart. “I remember!” she gasped. “I remember where I have seen you before!”
My heart sank. “We met almost two weeks ago in the court house.” Was I truly that forgettable? “You confused me with someone else.”
Her eyes shone as she swatted my arm with an astonishing familiarity. “No silly, I remember it now! You were getting out of a carriage, and you dropped something.”
–Good setup for a flashback, I like it. I almost would say to add something about time, like have her say “a long time ago” somewhere in that sentence, but I also think it works really well the way it is, so I’ll just throw that idea out for you to decide on.

There were threads of a memory coming back to me.
A carriage ride.
A nanny.
A cloudy day.
A beam of sunlight.
A little black haired girl who picked up my puzzle box.
–I really think the splitting each memory into its own paragraph was a good idea, much better than a block of text. The main thing I would say is to make sure each part there is expressly relevant to the scene so it corresponds well with how you might (or might not) be bringing it in later.

As the thoughts came, I began to pace. “That was you? I remember now. Gods, I was what? Six?” She tucked a stray curl behind her ear. “You gave this back to me.” I pulled the little box out of my pocket and showed it to her. The panic I felt all those years ago came flooding back, I could almost see it bouncing down the steps and onto the busy sidewalk. “And for that I will always be in your debt. I can see it so clearly. I was going to thank you but the sun was in my eyes and then you were gone.”
–Aww, that’s honestly kind of adorable, one of my favorite things is a character who loves a certain possession to the point of almost “needing” it in their life. Great job on this paragraph :)

“Why would you be in my debt? I just returned it to its’ rightful owner,” she said and I suddenly could not meet her eyes.
I rejoined her at the ledge (again the word?) “My mother had this made for me.” What was I doing? I had not talked about her in years, especially never to a perfect stranger.”
In this case, (if you used balustrade earlier), I would change it now to railing? Just for the sake of variety.
–When I first skimmed through this, before I actually read it, I was thinking that maybe he was opening up to fast, (anytime a character questions themselves, the reader’s gonna question too), but I actually think it was fine in this situation, given the stress he was just in, and the reunion with someone he’d felt helped him immensely a long time ago.

Her voice was so soft, almost a breath. “What happened to her?”
“She died in childbirth.” I tried to sound matter of fact. It was a long time ago. I had never met her, I should not be this affected by her absence.
She put a comforting hand on my arm. “I am sorry.” Her expression was kind but otherwise unreadable.
–I see too many writers make the assumption that just because a child never knew a parent, they don’t feel, and that honestly is not true, so I’m liking how he’s missing a mother he never had, and maybe longing to know what it’s like to have one. I know, for example, that I really wish I had met both my grandmothers, but they died before I was old enough to remember them, so I’m glad to see someone finally writing this accurately.
–Back into critique. xD I think the facial description is a little awkward, maybe the word “distant” instead of “unreadable” would make a little more since.

I’m sorry I couldn’t really “critique” this story, I couldn’t find a lot wrong with it! You’re honestly a really good writer, but if you want, in future I can be more picky if you’d like a more critique-y critique. Let me know!
Also, you probs won’t get this til tomorrow, but I am sorry about yet another delay that pushed it back until the night instead of the morning. Last weeks of school are super hectic in my college, so yeah TwT I’ll try to be more on top of the game next time!