forum i'm really bored give me stuff to critiques

Started October 31, 2019 by @Reblod flag

tune

Send me something to critique. I prefer to do stories and I'm not so good at characters so..
I'll do one at a time

just so bored
need something to distract me

Here ya go lol. I hope this keeps you not bored

Hey, um, do you know the Ramones…?

Me? Or @Reblod ?

You bc I'm going back to cringey middle school kid writing band fanfiction but it's the 70s and about the Ramones and I kinda just wanna see how it's coming along

Sorry it's my first real person fic so-

Hmm. Well, @Reblod was the one who wanted to do critiques, so maybe ask them? I don't know anything about the Ramones, so. Sorry!

Oh shit sorry I didn't pay attention to the usernames and mixed you guys up. Sorry, I am very sleep deprived

@Icefire Aight so it's been like a week so sorry about that

The prologue is a pretty cool concept but I feel like it could flow better. I particularly like the first part, probably because of the use of repetition there. Oh and the rhyming of course. The 'this was the prophecy' part doesn't work as well though. I think using repetition too much sort of doesn't work as well. I think if you changed the beginning of those sentences slightly so it doesn't take so long to read through. You did mention that the prologue was rough but maybe you could use this when you make it not so rough.

So onto the actual stuff. I love the introduction of this character. It's a great way to start the story. The description of him being a 'tall, brown-haired boy' seems a bit out of place though. It's better to hint at a character's appearance over a period of time even though it's easier just to plunk it in the same sentence. I find that it helps to maintain the flow of the story and doesn't take you out of it but a sudden description of a new character. We don't need to know what he looks like yet, just who he is as a person.
'when everyone turned out to watch the queen give a speech' Maybe I'm just being slow but I don't get what you mean by this sentence?
Anyway, the first paragraph is good because it helps to establish the character early on. My critique for it would be that you need to work on your flow. I feel like you're trying to include information that isn't very important for the situation or is repetitive. You state that he's a thief/pickpocket twice which isn't necessary.
'Perhaps too easy' feels like it was just tagged onto the end. It implies that there might be some repercussions behind pickpocketing everyone if you get what I mean? (I'm bad at explaining myself) But then nothing happens so it just feels out of place.

Next paragraph. I feel that the three separate sentences used to describe people's expressions could be merged into one or two so the rhythm doesn't get too choppy. Also, to me, it feels as if you're over describing people pickpocketing. This can be addressed in a few words. People know what pickpockets and thieves do and don't need it to be described to them all the time. (sorry if that was a little harsh).
It's a bit contradictory stating that Fivon doesn't have many visitors but has a tourist sector. Maybe I'm being nitpicky but it's just odd for those two statements to be right next to each other. My suggestion is removing the part that states that not many people go there. I think this is something that can be assumed if crime is a big problem so it doesn't need to be highlighted.

My only gripe with the next paragraph is that you described two actions that illustrated him being nervous or apprehensive. 'He shuddered' and 'He swallowed'. I just found this to be a little repetitive.

'and he waved'. I don't think this pronoun is necessary because you've already used it at the beginning of the sentence.

Right, so I'll continue this later. Sorry if I was a little blunt at times. I actually look forward to continuing this

Thank you so much!! Yeah I see what you mean. For now though, I'm not really going to go back and revise (is that terrible? I feel like that's terrible lol) but I'll keep what you said in mind for future chapters, and try to clarify things

Hey! I don't know if you're still doing this at all, but if so:
Here's a little concept I've been playing around with. It's not very good, but I'm just starting out on it, and I've re-written it several times already. Any thought you have about anything would be welcome! Thank-you!